Calamities

a





afternoon stories:

you can be soft-hearted and have a biting bitter tongue
you can be generous and yet wield spine knives
everyone can have you down as kind
but you still be churlish and mauvae launge*
when you have the power, status and position to give guidance and set a tone and instead of building and keeping positive you steep a tone and incline...for disintegration...

folk need to study zen and the art of suffering
psychology and the creature of damage
and how human beings create their stories

i do wish folk would encounter some more black sheep so i dont have to be the only one. different. iconic. mad. eccentric.
but that is not gonna happen in colonial trinidad is it ?? the place so small to make all overseers and slave owners

#conformordiebattered
#learningbutnotwhattheywriteforlessons

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morning muse that i could not post:

is confusion the result of seeing life and experiences in snapshot and moments as opposed to one long string, a compendium, the full picture?

if someone has to learn something what is the point on postponing the learning? pausing the heat in the cauldron?

i dont want to blame the supermoon but last night was a doozy and the afterburneffects self reflection result is not a pretty picture/i have really failed the standard

my exposure and experiences make me doubt any one really has this relationship thing understood

and yet, i wonder if i am not being railroaded and learn to stop using such impassioned language and descriptors by someone who defies/d easy definitions and characterizations. then everything you knew before needs to be thrown away.

what if we disband the term 'relationship' and just have moments? but then again, did i just write myself a circle and that is the problem: a compendium of moments blinds the whole full picture? i dont know.

#livingaconundrum

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tomorrow projections:

i go to meet someone who supposedly needs a writer. this person's name is leroy baptiste. the name of my first uncle. an uncle gone on. you all want to read that mathematical science for me? before or after tomorrow?

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eccentrics are for huge metropoles not for lightpoles

#nottrinidad

even if gay, trans, tatted, ---what other forms of nonconformity are there? here? ---isnt the persona, psychology, mentality and behavior uniform and the same? across subalterns? from top to bottom? everyone trying to access the same small pie?

#trinidad

you never know how you are impacting people. you may think you are incidental and of no consequence, but somehow, in some realm, you are an example. a light, an aspiration.

likewise, you may think you are doing your thing in freedom and honor of all to have the same right, and they think you mad.

#gofigure

i am more than a little bit touched
i put the idea of goddamnedindependent to shame

i am testifying that no sane person should be this different. i admit.
on official record.

and do i know that i am the problem, really? Or am i a canary in the mad gold mine of western sociopsychopathology . against the black wombmyn survival and freedom? and still with audacity to rise?

-================

it just hit me how i used to want to be a student, sitting at the feet of a grad spirit master. when i think of the people around me now, i realize i am a student. there are teachers. two main ones> marjorie and chase, incidentally

teaching me how not to be. mirroring for me who/how i am. teaching me what fairness and real mirroring is > do you tell someone 'you did not come and help me navigate my car, when you fail to see that you did not come to help me navigate mine? Lol

#wow
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who is the arbiter of it all?

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i woke up feeling out of sorts.
writing words and not knowing where to place them
what to do with them
incomplete concepts, ideas and sans any understandings

and where i am now, hours later, is a realization that a life rightly aligned is one perhaps with many questions, no answers;
many poses, no finalities;
many puzzles, yet no designations;
no confirmations

the idea of water comes to me
it just seeks its own level

the day from 11pm last night was just one big questioned
kudzoku shrodinger*

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• Jp Parsons:  "After wading through the magnificent water words here- it occurs to me that any standards- that society might have...really can't apply to you. You soar and swim on a different transcending level...Keep doing what you do. You are perfect."

  
  
• 

  Maven Huggin: "you are good for and to my soul Jp Parsons. Thanks for being present. I know we weathered one storm bridge, so the thank you is of that depth too...!"
  
  

  ===================

  
  

  
  

  David Vaughan Rockerchild:

  
  

  "Wow! The ole Super Moon is Blood Red,right now ! I feel big changes afootin :D"
  (@5:55pm on June 24, 2013

  
  

  =============

  Reagan Des Vignes:

  
  

  "I like weird people. Weird people are sincere. It's the 'normal' ones i don't trust."

  --------------
  
  i wonder what Orisa would say of my path, my head, my destiny, my characterizations and experiences??

  
  

  -------------------

  
  Kabir, XX
  
  II. 22. man tu pâr utar kânh jaiho
  
  To what shore would you cross, O my heart? there is no traveller before you, there is no road:
  Where is the movement, where is the rest, on that shore?
  There is no water; no boat, no boatman, is there;
  There is not so much as a rope to tow the boat, nor a man to draw it.
  No earth, no sky, no time, no thing, is there: no shore, no ford!
  There, there is neither body nor mind: and where is the place that shall still the thirst of the soul? You shall find naught in that emptiness.
  Be strong, and enter into your own p. 70 body: for there your foothold is firm. Consider it well, O my heart! go not elsewhere,
  Kabîr says: "Put all imaginations away, and stand fast in that which you are."
  
  from Sherry McDonald
  
  
  

  ================
  

  Niran Beharry: "Why Be Happy When You Could Be Interesting?"

  
  Take me down to the river bend
  Take me down to the fighting end
  Wash the poison from off my skin
  Show me how to be whole again
  
  

Maven MD Huggins: SNAFU: "Mentally Ill" an md-engineer reads me after five minutes, virtual/ The MUSE of it All

Maven Huggins 

 

so.

definition: snafu/s

1. are mistakes
2. expression: [s(ituation) n(ormal) a(ll) f(ucked) u(p).]
3. A chaotic or confused situation.
adj. : In a state of confusion or chaos.
tr.v. : sna·fued, sna·fu·ing, sna·fus
: To make confused or chaotic.

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you know i thought i remembered the word from cartoons growing up...'you made a snafu'. all the other formats is now news to me. but seems
my life. the dictionary should just have a pic of me and my life. SNAFU

the more i read this page the more nuance i see in the match to my state of affairs, my existence, my history, my path...'all over the place'
kind of wild really

http://www.thefreedictionary.com/snafu

 

 

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this was written as a comment to a post of mine on SNAFU but it was so long it would not post so i made it a note.
one stream of consciousness thought/writing..i only began to breathe at the end...and as serious as this was i had moments of reading it as i wrote it that it was also funny...i think i am a comedian waiting for perfected timing

Maven Huggins

you know sometimes in life you have these encounters: mysterious, weird, peculiar, purposeful, but they are brief, moments long, or of great depth in minutes and then it is over forever.. or sometimes you learn something, are given a nugget of information, a planted seed, a drop of vinegar, or a sugar cube. whatever. it is. but you hold on to it like a baby with a new toy, shaking it, playing with it, tasting it, trying to place the improbable thing in your mouth..staring at it...(i just had a flash of how hard it is to be the opposite of who you are - though that may be required, the exact thing you need to do --that when you have the impulse or instinct to walk it is just then that you need to sit; or when the instinct to talk, it is the moment you need to zip it. dont share. but silence. yeah. how the hell to do that the impossible?)..and never letting go....well that is what this is for me...yesterday i was written, "i have lots of snafus in my life" and i have been on a ride ever since. the truth of it, the depth of it, the accuracy of this seer woman surprises. she also said i am mentally ill...but i eh reach there yet. i think because perhaps in a faraway place i know that is true. one has to be mentally ill to live in a totally socio psychological pathology that is western society...and as you can see...i am not doing too well in that regard. i am one of those homeless vagrants you see on the streets of port of spain, but it is just that i have held onto something that keeps me over the edge. but the truth is, i am over the edge, just a different ledge of edge. I am still inside so to speak. not only do i still bathe, but do so many times a day. when i was going to be homeless, my family pulled me out and in. when i branched back out onto my own making a lot of people rich and buying a car or two and my employment ended a second time, i was housed again by family-- a mother most than others, and most than the one who birthed me. i know i am mentally ill cause despite that level of care and housing, i still have time to bitch and moan when they dont vibrate on the same sphere as I-- to value nature, and plants, and protection of home space, and loyalty among women against patriarchal misogynist men like their nephew, and they are not like me, my type of mental illness where i breathe fire and let mfs know that they are treading on the wrong side of midnight..and i am mentally ill not coming from here but having my reiki master craig young tell me that i am from the outer planet that had no name and i have three integalactic guides that are with me at all times. or to have the dreams of my grandmother maria that was really astral travel telling me "teacher say you well smart" three times she repeated and i knew that each time was a different teacher... the first my godfather uncle pat and the second some seer unknown to me and the third god.universe or nature whomever is the supreme being but that my grandmother mary maria the virgin the yemaya?! was connected to that source to be able to indicate that to me...and i know i am mentally ill to learn that we /i am annunaki...for when my great aunt lilla died --why or how she was so connected to me of all people, second generation to the relation...she appeared in michigan inside my front door standing there as if a full real person. it was the first time i had ever seen a spirit so formed and human. i screamed and was scared shitless. 2am on a monday morning. and holding a bucket. a pain can bucket. empty. tin...the likes of which only reliefs of annunakis and sumerians hold in their hand. what was the purpose of that encounter? even when i tried to calm myself and ask. she just stood there for a long time, the time it took for me to try and summon courage, go back out and confront and ask what it is i need to know but always the countenance so form and strong scared me and so she left without conveying any word or purpose. those stories. dont they make me mentally ill. and what i am trying to say as what i say of those vagrants is that mental illness is a heightened maintained state of consciousness and vibration attained, a frequency too loud and fine, too high on the spectrum to be discerned as anything but abnormal here among the heavy laden, blind and enfeebled,..the mentally ill are strong on one side but it is that strength that weakens them, mentally and emotionally after awhile. there is only so much battering a body can take before you sign out. so some of us sign out differently.. some of us stay in and sign out. i am one of the latter. i look normal, i can have a serious real conversation with the best, highest and accomplished of any of them as if i am one of them, as if we dance to the same music have the same aspirations, but then i turn around and spit on their fame, their pedestal, their ladder and exit. and that flabbergasts flummoxs and confuses, cause it aint supposed to be so. and i have always been like that...i remember now how one of my old white cool professors at MSU, cool in the sense that you never heard of him pledging the grad students given them trauma and trials...he told me that i was always walking around as if life was pie and most folks were either strung out, stressed out, hungry, struggling, striving...and i guess i was ...gomer pyle i dont know, all things cool and honkey dorry. they werent. and i am even challenged to explain what was going on but that was my shield. i did things and made a life so i would not be consumed. i have friends who killed themselves at gradschool doing a phd in ag economics...the brother from kenya comes to mind, and a sister who had her own mental health problems of nervousness and what else i never knew but she never finished...and i am not playing with the term and identity and category and condition of mental weakness..but it dawned on me as much as i interfaced with psychologist, psychiatrists and counselors all my life, my parents sent me when i was young...i was 'high strung" like horses. like fine beautiful arabian horses-- and had stomach pains as a way to convey that i hated the shit that was surrounding me but had no power to control, stop or alleviate myself from it and that is the first time i got angry or perhaps by then, the second...the first few times was being pulled away from trinidad, maybe before that was how my mother was unhappy and maybe before that, in the womb, from her own stress and whatever else i would never know... but anyway, i was always talking to people and professionals. aint none of them EVER diagnosed me with anything. I aint never been on meds, i aint never had to be controlled, quarantined, or channeled. I just always knew stuff. saw stuff. riding waves of my own against the grain, always fearless to do my own thing and of no respecter of persons or institutions it is like i always knew i was bigger than everything...on the outside, but on the inside, there is nothing but bitter loneliness, alienation, difference, deep othering, and the warriorhood of being a black woman with a head of her own. WooSah!...talk about mental illness. who is made to be so contrary and survive, live and thrive?
I am writing this why...hm..as i scroll back at the top to try and find myself, find my mission here.. for who else writes their soul on facebook? who is so brazen? so bold? So human? and knowing the sheep deride me for it but as I posted a few days ago a revelation: it is only the lessers and those at your back who can talk about your passing, your bottom, your back>>your path...they all have to be behind your or under you...otherwise they would be before you and have nothing of your life in their front view. you understand me? life for me aint been no crystal stair and i struggle now as I can come to terms with the truth. how my being made in the form character, and function as I am is only trouble and there is no one to blame, that is just how it is. and there would be no conflict ever, if NO ONE had ever tried to change me, control me, exclude me, or batter me for being different, for making them feel inferior, for staining their insecurities like a biochemistry assay test.. i did not do that. i did not ask for that. i did not intend that, i was just being the me i knew how to be, that my conditions life and characters made me/ how i learned to survive .what all got me here.. that is all. it wasnt about you. it was not for you to get offended. it was not for you to try to shut me down and out, malign me among your friends and family...without that, i dont think i would ever have had a problem but that is it. can we let the weird people be? can we help them as much as we do the ones who make us feel comfortable and secure in our own dysfunction ? why do we hate the ones who show us how stupid we are...arent we all trying to grow.? arent we all going to die? is this not all going to end ? so what difference the pattern on the inside? so what else can my life be but a SNAFU.? what else would i be if not mentally ill? I know the life people are living is not real. I learned that in economics. one of my professors, al schimdt told me i was 'over the top' and that i had better learn the economics and its concepts and tenets before i tried to rewrite them. me. this little black african girl from the caribbean trying to rewrite the white man and them economics. to correct the injustice and exploitation in the world...where from such audacity? it have to be a mental illness. so yeah. i am. that.

a Snafu.
a mentally ill SNAFU

made moreso as a facebook exhibitionist
and then to be so alternative,,,on facebook without a face
She and she say she is a HE. is she for real?

you then come to understand the utter, complete, reach where it going and tun back. madness of her higherself ALL>

All the characters turned into one: All the Goddesses In Fire one, from Egyptology to Orisa, Samurai and Native First People and then all the Power Animals of Uniqueness...the corbeau, the turtle

what else. what fuqing else?
the only thing i have not done is turn into a man and chase and i was talking that last night, it already done. is now because of him i have to find a functional female to inhabit, but one who did all that (nods head to above and all that i did not write)..cause now i have to try and be normal. i tired.

i write so you dont have to feel so bad..there is others and worse out there. So pick yourself up and keep going snafu.. we are all. there is no contest..dont let their lies stop you.

<3 br="">
and as i title this piece, i recall the last bit "get help" and i wondered who this person would suggest i get help from? those more sick than I? surely. if you ever begin to understand the underworld aliceland we live, you will surely be castigated as nothing else...peace and strength

i was trying to find a picture for this note...imaging an image that conveys "flying without wings, a plane or any other device" i just find westfield - eyes in exasperation-- too sweet and idyllic for the reality i am trying to convey here---i post it anyway...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fZOW8ZuLG2o

then as i try to find it i see Tobago Technocratrix posts something on Occupy Everything..and i did not read it. but that is how i see this extolling of self: how i describe my path...I occupied everything. i Occupied Self to such a degree that others were deeply offended...and when that happens, you know what is going on...no one can control you and boy! is then self they hate you

i am receiving pieces to bring completeness to this telling.. that is helpful. that is pronoia.
The Occupied Self
what a notion.
it is so damn new there is NOTHING on google for it. Google translates it into "self occupied" which is NOT the same thing.
I rest my case yeah. I done.

you cant keep proving the rubric

the occupied self: is one on fire...who regularly burns others...