Riddle Resolved: Sister Threat

 


"well Melise, all i can tell you , when i come into my riches, I will set you up girl"

my long time girlfriend Debbie/

i just had an hour conversation or more with my college girlfriend.
we ended up falling into a deep conversation. about male mental illness and
overcoming. then i asked her questions, if she felt or observed how prevalent the incidences. i gave her examples of trinidad, and the violence against women, among men, the casual use of the language of someone "tripped" and it is those violent eruptions like volcanoes that get to hand and a lot of times death.

 men here, women and children, get slapped, regularly, daily, like nothing. like breathing. she felt it was all over. and common. she is in new jersey. we both come out of new york city. and then i asked her about the incidence of the same mental illness among black women, and how come it is not seen as much, her response was that women do not have the same level of pressures as the men, that the men, as black are seen as threats. 

but beyond the threat, debbie felt it was all due to our history, slavery and its residue; you know that whole sexy phrase of post traumatic stress syndrome.

but back to black males being threats. Deb admitted she is not as well read on the PTSD due to slavery or other matters linking the whole phenomenon of this conversation...

it all made sense. she says how she sees it at work...the only men hired and working are effeminate men and if not that, very diminutive slight men. she even called/referred to men on cnn. debbie works in media. abc media.

she talked of a colleague who told her how she wants to be liked,. and it hit another resonance for me. i with my very black self am very much of a threat to all and sundry, white people, the white establishment, black males, and females of all stripes and kind. i not trying to be liked. I trying to find survival, health, wholeness and wellbeing. i from young, was always trying to save myself and by extension, people who found themselves as victims. and me always trying to avoid the sand traps and snares..

it was deep and profound. i then asked her cause in my mind it was a direct link if she thought the effeminizational rise of black males was intentional, poisoned, planned. she was not familiar with that preponderance. my question and position is how come we do not see the same level of boy child male effeminization among the white population? i told her forgive me for sounding like a conspiracy theorist.
i linked it all : that threat of the black male, and the big black strapping black male in particular. and how he is curtailed from a child, sent into the prison industrial system..

and i told her my sandra batie story, how it was my girlfriend Masego who used the term "blackballed" to explain my professional story of being removed as the head runner of a national candidacy to head the Agricultural Economics Lobby of the United States.. My office would have been at the Capitol Hill Building. But due to racism, my consciousness; my awareness. I have always been a threat. In all my profession, I have always been about black people. I arrived to do my PhD wanting to research the robbery of black farmers of their land, stock and resources.

She talked about the two way double edged sword, that people like me, who see, are not as trusting of white people, so we dont open up and that leads them, white folk, to not open up to us. But i think of how one cant help but know the beast you are dealing with an act accordingly.

Then she refers me to Sandberg ? FB's Sheryl Sandberg's book Lean In--  written to tell women how to step in and step front, and how in her book, Sandberg recognizes an element and dynamic prevalent for black people as well, but Debbie tells me Sandberg tells us, "to do it, but be careful how" which is itself an erasure. cause white males dont have to be careful how they do, so why us, same khaki pants restrictions and control.. But it was all deep. Cause I have heard that so much since coming to Trinidad: professionally": that i am aggressive, who do i think i am. and that is the point. I always knew who i was. no one was put here to confine and define me which is totally diametrically opposed to the paradigm of slaves and the enslaves being controlled and defined. I lived and sought to construct a life outside of that.

We, Debbie and I , solved my life puzzle. I been catching my ass cause I am a threat to all and sundry; from family to friends to males to men to professional colleagues. even up to last night when they want to protest at the DR's embassy, I was telling them, what they conceive as the approach aint the tact, it calls for far higher risk and protocols. the pansy placard carrying dont match the bodies of children chopped and arms dangling. not in 2015/

wow. i am relieved, and yet too, still, stunned

Lets Raise US$ 10 Million Global Endowment

 

somebody.
start a kickstarter. and a gofundme. and all the other crowdfunding sources there in america, and in the uk.
targeted to sane minded individuals.
if the white establishment can collect $2mill? $1mill for Storm Roof, for killing 9 innocent African Americans in a history Denmark Vesey church, then surely we can match, raise and double that amount to build our empires to freedom.

here is one:
Songhai Trinidad, Textiles and Trade/
Songhai Textiles
built under the rubric of Promote A Black Caucus Lobby An Economic Agenda
all the contributors will end up being investors.
create a proper log of all contributors
we can use this crowdfunding model to build one business after another
and each business built will trade with and under ipo. so we shall also create a Trade, Exchange and Investment Commission.
Songhai TTT will sell African fabrics, and cloths, printed, woven and linens.
it will also be a Home Store Studio where home furnishings will be made and couture bespoken using said fabrics.
every crowdfunding account or initiative should have leading it, one of the murdered or maimed by police, or any one of these terrorists. and we need to go international. Ethiopians in Israel. Haitians in the Black Dominican Republic,
hm. IN the shop this fund will first finance, the collections will be set up according to the title of injustice or the name of the murdered.
There is no liberation but for our Economic Freedom and Liquidity
As of this evening, US$4Mill his supporters have raised. Where are ours?
https://newswatch33.com/…/charleston-church-shooter-dylann-…
MDHuggins

Economic Freedom and Financial Liquidity is the Only Liberations

Empty Promises: CrossEthnic Dishonesty and Human Distrust in Trinidad Motorsport.

i have something that looms big, to write about
i am sitting here wondering if i want to take up the task
thinking it might be long, wondering if i really want to spend the energy exploring the right phrases to convey this experience, but despite my lethargy to do so,
lines pop up in my thoughts, so i am going to try
it is really quite peculiar.

it consists of people of white, black and indian identities. in trinidad.
it relates to motorsport, a small cavern of activity in the country but that represents multimillions of dollars. so it relates to race,

it also relates to dishonesty, deceit, distrust, and treachery of the passive kind. treachery borne of distrust, the undermining of connections and relations for the distrust, so that way and kind, treachery. and that is what i wondered did i really want to discuss this tired topic again. how many times can you write this exists in trinidad? does it not get boring. but i think one amusement of the subject written now is to see how race promulgates all external relationships, in ways one or more parties may never know. i write that and i think the only one who would not know is the one not pitching and projecting suspicion, bias or racism. and in this national context of the general election, so segmented according to race and ethnicity to party, it would be interesting i thought to show how there are other areas just as sharply defined, cordoned off and perpetuated. thus proving to show that this idea of us fixing politics is the panacea to our national problems is a lie, cause then what would continue to happen in the other areas of our lives? if it were only politics, i would not have this piece to write that i am circling like a hungry tiger around a wounded gazelle . i want to write that we are sick , but i am tired writing that. i will write we are doomed though. i will write my own puzzlement cause the treachery often comes out from people you had some kind of bond, rapport, understanding , and so it bollocks my mind to find out down the line, just a little ways from when everything is good, everything falls apart, with no reason, impetus or event to rationalize. so you are left holding a bag trying to figure out the hidden pieces inside that made it implode..its elements vanish to empty.

anyway, a month or so ago i got a gig to be the operations manager for a motorosport event. it took place last sunday, father's day. i learned so much in that short gig down to the day of the event, things unexpected and unthinkable, like how for some events, some people, the two are inextricably linked. like circuit racing in trinidad is all indian. mostly. that there are some events you can plan, and you need not raise one finger or drop one dime to advertise, bring participants, get buy in, there is a ready command audience that all you need to do is blow the whistle, drop the flag, and they are there in droves. that. is circuit racing in trinidad for and with indian people. i saw it. a locked in following, so to speak. and someone explained the link to me and asked: who is it that owns all the car repair shops, parts places, the bamboo, and i can extend to roll on roll off..so you see how we are acknowledging territory in this land, where things we see and may talk about it we may not see it for its full magnitude...there are some fields and services that are all manned by one ethnic group.

so one of my biggest roles was to bring in funds to finance the event, made by robert and asatt*. off the bat, i thought two things: one, to integrate all the segments of motorsports. see it is sectioned into drag, circuit ,bike, dirt, track,mud, . and, to tap the government in its related ministries: sport, mainly.

well, as luck would have it, in a matter of three short weeks, i managed to learn a lot and get success. i learned that motorsport is incredibly segmented according to ethnic lines. black people were generally unseen, it was just indian and whites.

the success came when i got some white folk, bad granny people, to the table and in the first meeting got a $300K pledge. it may have something to do with the fact that here were two women negotiating and planning business and constructing a mutual vision for a sport or activity. or the fact that both of us were schooled abroad in high end finance, economics and business management. so game knows game kind of thing. we had great rapport. and girlfriend was sharp. she wanted for her money to be placed on the board. and i knew any money i collected was not going into the traditional organization's bank or turned over to any person or management. i was not going to be a dumb tool. at best i planned on an endowment, or an account to grow matched funds, and or use that as leverage. so from the start, we both had above average operational ideas and strategies.

well. just after i brought that to the table, things fell apart.
which is part of the features of this telling...to document how success can lead to your downfall. it is one of those puzzlements. the other thing to show and tell here is how there are secret, buried and unknown dynamics hidden in the heart and mind of body beings. i cease to call them humans, cause everything in the handling of such thoughts and emotions is anything but human, neither is it animalistic either, cause animals show their distaste for things before walking away.
 
so having brought that $300K to the table, upon the first time meeting with the potential investor. and then on the same day a subsequent meeting with the head robert , pemberton the owner of grannie bad* and me, we finalized the pledge.

and i want you to be mindful that the meeting to confirm the pledge consisted of an indian man, a black woman and a white chick, around one table., at my desk really, those two as guests. i remember robert telling me to come in now as operations manager for the event and i can continue on as ceo of the company he wanted to build. and so from the onset, my operations were not just the event, but to build the organization and create the company for operations and services and to create a club with a restaurant.

stephanie was to write her proposal and submit it, having stated what she wanted and what she would give which included a vip package and stands.

and then she went off to monaco with a formula one car team/ and before her two weeks for return could finish, I was told different arrangements were made there was no need for my services ongoing. i was thanked, told it was a pleasure, told i had tickets to the event and that was it.

now, while i was working my mojo those three weeks, one of my missions was to get this event legitimized with the ministry of sports. and for that suggestion, i heard from robert all manner of dismissal, undermining and disdain for government people, interference or participation. but he did have a vice president, and he met sancko somewhere and seems as if mutual interest and benefits to get were married, sancko seeming to think he could use jameer on political walkabouts to get him votes, and jameer expecting government treasury money. well i think their plans worked. match made in heaven. i think seeing the event on sunday, that happened way beyond everyone's expectations. and that the government probably bankrolled the whole enchilada. for kamla and her clan , the minister of sport and his family, and all who may have been tag alongs, were at the event, running the circuit. and in the monitoring booth. it explains in one way why my services to collect funds were no more needed. and this is me trying to make sense of what happened about me, not that i was told any of this; it is all observations.

i remember asking robert if i did not collect any money what and how was the event going to be managed and he never answered me, i just always felt funny. a business man with contacts and presumed money and presumed contacts in an industry and I was not given those leads to mine. I often wonder what i was called in for really. but i know that too. it is a thing where people consider themselves more than they are. they think they are more polished, more professional, on a certain level that appertains to certain patterns, people , behaviors and accoutrements, and so they reach for it, only to have the bitter realization, my operations not on that level of vibration. so many times he had to tell me this is not a corporate office or he would make the joke and say, you feel we running a barn or parlor shop or something so. i always laughed it off but i realized in hindsight that it was his insecurities being tossed like a salad, and his quips were his way of deflecting the truth. i stayed home when my cycle came cause there was not a proper women's bathroom for me to use in the boland building. and it was not something i felt comfortable to share. the good thing is this was a gig and a freelance and discussed as not one where i would need to be present all the time, which was another dynamic. people, robert said things when he was contracting me, that changed oppositionally once i started. so though he said i did not have to be there all the time, he got a conniption when i was not there. so again the deceit and dishonesty of people. what they say is not what they mean. the constant putting on, presenting and posing to catch you like fish and then they and what they represented vanishes. catfish

i had one meeting with a potential investor coordinator and she told me she felt the whole of motorsport was a lot of illegal activity funding it, money laundering in particular. i have no basis of that, other than that is how the rest of the country running so why not this circus. and one must realize this is one of the most expensive

 before the event taking place this past sunday where i got to see the coverage and presence of government relations, when i was disbanded, i did think robert got fearful that these two powerhouse females would somehow undermine his idea of himself and his operations.  i thought we may have appeared too powerful. i remember him telling me he did not want anyone coming in to take control, and that was in direct response to stephanie asking to be on the board. i shielded for her, but i saw the play, people will take your money and value but still want to maintain their fiefdom . now i think i was disbanded because they got a full flow of government money and thus was no need to keep an interloper longer than necessary.  i put it in context o f a possible ethnic interloper but it may very well be because i was female, good looking, powerful, talented and intelligent, threat to any young playing wife with half the goods to a big bellied man who feels he has an empire when in fact it is a history of privilege and money wasted in failed experiments. plenty business badly handled. which is another aspect of this story that i briefly touched on...the sham operations called business in trinidad

so that gig ends. a gig that came with the promise to fix my car, was reneged the first day when i was asked to pay, i was so taken aback i did not engage a discussion to find out how much i was to pay , just that i was told it would cost $7K when robert had offered to pay. i still thanked him for his class cause he paid me in advance of work from day one and brought my vehicle up from a smart man schemer in siparia

stephanie goes off to monaco . and my life lumbers along into another adventure with a new set of motleys catering for drama.

so we get to mid june. stephanie offers to take me out to lunch, by this time my phone was stolen she promised me one. we made plans for a saturday, she preferred that day but i had a meeting prior. it was the day i was going to my first therapy session to discuss why nothing in trinidad works. how is that for meta stories. so she says she will come pick me up. all in writing. so i told her, barataria with a question mark and when i get to the session i will phone her as to the time.

so said so done. she asks all this crazy stuff requiring the therapist to give her directions on how to get there cause she was not driving. and i immediately thought, if you offered to take me to lunch, why are you not driving, but i did not take it on. then she phones ten minutes later, in this disjointed rant that made no sense..about not driving, her boyfriend picking me/us up, dropping us off, and picking us up again. and will we go to grand bazaar cause she knows nothing else in the area. and all of this taking place on an iph speaker ph. i have no idea why the therapist asked to put it on speaker. might be too she was implementing security,which is an interesting prospect, for she was black like me. all i could tell stephanie was, "cant we talk about this when you come pick me up" and i was growing real impatient and bothered, for what she did not know is that she was eating up my therapist time, and it was all so unnecessary, well, with me not knowing what was twisting in this girl's mind. the more i think about it now i realize it might have been her boyfriend who created the alarms and the problems. i remember that is one thing she told me too on the phone, that she wanted me to meet him and he was coming to lunch with us and i responded, well i guess we wont be talking about our business and follow up, cause i had no dealings with him, and if i am not mistaken her boyfriend was the first person i reached out to in bad granny, he saw my mail and did not respond, he accepted my friend request and then unfriended, never engaging me about the project or responding to my inquiries, real ass behavior for such a public persona. i have no idea what people are thinking
so still on the speaker phone, i am getting antsy , annoyed and perplexed. and i say to stephanie, listen if this is not convenient we can do it another time and she says, monday, maybe tuesday, maybe wednesday, in that succession. i swear i felt i was talking to a three year old. but it was amazing. it provided me the opportunity to display to the therapist the shit i go through here on a level normal day with everybody. the hiding, the lying, the deceit, the cowering, the dancing. anything but straightforward honest human and heart interaction. she thought i handled it well but i really wanted to lose it. cause it always comes out of nowhere and out of sequence to everything that went on before.

so that was the last i heard. stephanie told me once again, she would pick me up where ever i am, at the office or in town and i told her well that is one thing i wanted to talk to you about, i am no longer in the office and she asked me where i am , i said home otherwise. i never heard from her. i wrote her to ask if she would be going to the event she never answered.. it was only this morning, waking up i had an epiphany, these hoops and loops and drops without a parachute were about this white chick, with her white man, talking to me, a black woman, about meeting her in barataria, and all that may mean to people, despite it being a long time traditional middle class community of families of a left over estate...and i guess , i am learning, that this place is now considered a bandit haven? I dont know. at least somewhere seedy? where white people dont go? one block between the priority and the eastern mainroad, which is one of the most elegant and monied places in barataria. down the street from the johns, and architectured big houses.. that she thought maybe i was setting her up? I dont know. i came up with it. it sounded more than plausible. but as I write, I am thinking, who knows. people are just flipping crazy and inconsistent and polaric

and it seemed real in my mind too because i dealt with this once before, with my older cousin, when i chucked her for keeping laventille in such a bad light she told me it was just her accepting how people even her close friends see and engage laventille and dont want to come there by here, one block up from the eastern main road and directly in front of the angostura rum silver towers painted with red, yellow and blue ladders? and how strong those negative feelings were, projected onto her, and how she navigates them and i was insisting to her that she ignores them and that , only for me, once again to run into what she was trying to tell me. these people, this place are full of racist biases that no amount of time and arrangements, persons involved or character will ever change. and so here it is. barataria.

the stigma of place attached to race and risk and criminality. gosh,. i shake my head as i write, there is no corner of reprieve in this place, if it is not one thing or another it is everything compiled into one.
so this morning i woke up and wrote her my epiphany. she just wrote me back and told me i am overthinking. i am glad. i did say i was perplexed and disappointed. and in the absence of information one thinks and overthinks. she does read super busy, but i dont buy the ongoing story of everywhere empty promises

this makes for a great scene in a series or movie though, huh?
so i am keeping it.
how much of it is true or imagined? real or relevant?
whatever. more smokescreens
i give credit for her answering though.

I am gone. it is now 11:01. it took me as i knew it would, an hour to write this. and the half hour prior to construct it in my mind.  11:16 a brief editing...

heart emoticon love to stephanie, myself, my therapist all impressive chicks

This is Ruth, Root of Mine

Ruth Huggins
my paternal Grandmother
who it is said, I look like

look how playful she was even unto a grown woman crone

and all her jewels of gold. arms and fingers
gold rimmed glasses

Racial Rachel Corrupted and Steweed Trinidad

two things. as i keep receiving revelations...

racial rachel dolezal.
i just saw a piece, new perspectives on bbc focus on africa
and something new occurred to me that did not before.

how many of us make our families apart from the one we are born to:
so many of us claim cousins and sisters and brothers who are just childhood friends. or even people we just met. i count my godsister in that that, i just met her last year. realizing even i have taken her in too much too soon, i know she may think me crazy and full of drama. but that is the life.
but those of us who move away from our parental circle and upbringing

claiming mothers and fathers, siblings and a life totally foreign to what we were exposed. all of us do that. and all of us black people all over the globe do that, i presume white people do it too. but i can only talk of what and who i know. and i have not been so exposed or planted in white environments, despite most of my education and professionalism before trinidad was in the dominant culture. but personal stories i dont know so much.

but the thing is, rachel has not done anything any of us have not done. you know what makes it peculiar and what is the lightning rod, is that she crossed color segmentation but if we were to extricate that one fact, small to some, huge and everything to others, but if we extricate it, we may see we are just watching, reading and tearing apart a human story. just another way to look at it.

try to see and search that video and see if that does not occur to you. she could have been anybody in that piece, a man, a black woman (god, dont kill me), a brazilian in mozambique...i will leave it there
the bottom line is that these constructs we have dominant have led us into a cabbage patch of sinking sand that we struggle to harvest, or even make it out a live, let alone a narrative that makes sense to us all. i have no answers or judgments, i am just reading and offering. i am the referee. unpaid. my new tag line

------------
then as I showered i had another revelation about trinidad...

it is high time that we here accept the place we have and living in. and stop with all the lies and the myths, the dissonance, and the fantasies, cause what that is causing is a lot of futility, up and down the line, across the corridors. here and abroad.

we build and erect systems and institutions only for them to fall down and seem like we dont know that real institutions dont fall. see white supremacy, as wrong as it is, as much as it seeks one people's interest at the costs of the earth, and all other humans, numbering far more than its adherents and privileged, it remains, and merely keeps morphing in survival. that is an institution. all those in trinidad have fallen and crumbled. our political system has unraveled from its farce and appearance of respectability. it never was. it was just better shielded under the pnm they been at the pageant longer, and were more colonial and unconscious, so the mimicked. our man naipaul already told us all of this and even in 2015 we deny the facts as the earthquake of our lives fall into ruin.

i shant proving how much we are a farce. we only birth, make and give breadth to criminals and corrupt men and women. "smartman" for how long has been our prime caricature upheld. Anansi come to town?

we lie and bring deceit even among our friends. say one thing twelve hours prior and do the exact opposite as the sun rises. how do you explain away that. we make alliances and want to have friends in secret. you will ask one for help and they will ignore the entreaty as if it has never been written. we have no word. nothing about us is noble.

these are a summary and overarching truths about this trinidad that we must accept, and stop running away from...it is only catching us on the road by bullet, henchmen, rapists, and flipping crashing vehicles as monsters seeking demanding that it be fed. the greater the time, the greater the lies, the more the victims.

do the maths.

my point: it is time we accept the hell fire place this is and move accordingly.
\
it is only then the hope might arise for us to make something legitimate of this place. we are not a real country.

and so what does that mean, to move accordingly in that context.
well. we stop lying to our selves that one party or another is going to be our panacea and fixer. that aint gonna happen

we need to stop acting like we have moral people here, folk who are not seeking to build their fortunes off seats of power, access to the treasury and the leverage one gains by navigating and negotiating with folk who too wish to be bandwagonists and ride coattails and pick the crumbs off the table of crime. lets stop doing that.

lets stop thinking that we have competent people here. we dont. if we did, half the problems we live daily would not exist. no water, perennially broken roads, half the country living in slums of various characters, electricity outages, filthy water when we have it. fancy buildings and towers that never get cleaned, hvac systems never sucked out and cleaned. eric williams tower ducts have black soot rounding its square vents. they thought i was crazy refusing to be in that building in my office more than i had to. must i go on.
you tell me what works here. hospitals full of doctors who you would seem are in training to be cadaver carvers rather than healing agents for the sick and those merely trying to give birth or find life. just today in the news some site where they dump hospital waste is piled high, exposed, a few metres away a new incinerator, not working. for the living god, are we for real.?

so what am i suggesting.
that we realize we are a criminal enterprise and land island

that we chose people who can accomplish and do things rather than pose, and perpetrate. i wonder if Manga's last post is what set the seed for me to realize this.

for if we just accept what and who and where we are, people will not continue a procession of lies to us that we imbibe as if we are the douens, vacuous of any means to assess or critically think our truth of what is possible. it is like we are all alices in wonderland, not on an adventure but constantly sent on a search to find the grand canyon. it dont live here. it dont exist here. and so mad are we, we have people who make canyons for us. remember the one cut out illegally somewhere in the east from illegal stealing of land and quarrying for all the buildings to nowhere and nothing just more emptiness...

and that is it. we are bereft and empty.
and we shall never be filled with lies,
\they will just continue to be presented us as mirages

tell me when you are ready.

i have the answer for who would be great to lead this country out of its iniquity
understanding who and what we are , where we are and who we birth, may mean we cleave to those who expressed the height of that pinnacle. for they themselves might have the most to prove. they may be the one most vested to turn their life around. i dont know. that too might be a good fantasy. and even if not, a great ending to the current story.

selah

and we are writing it. but we think they are jokes, not realizing...that thereby , is the key:

Citizen Daren Mc Leod: "If lies could have been exported for profit now would have been the best time to diversify this economy!"

Devindra Partap : "The PPG ministers are experts on advising others how to perverse the course of justice, break out of jail, hide weed, kill lawyers, launder and steal money, and the list goes on."

Ozy Merrique Jr.: "Do I have a ting for the crazies?
Or do the crazies have a ting for me?
Like meh poster on a wall in a St Anns room?
Like I have on mad people perfume?"

Clarence Rambharat: "Local police confirm that the ganja not found at the PM's residence was found at the PM's residence. The investigators who did not investigate are being investigated."

Oya! Blessings and Remembrances in Battle, Success , Winning and Vindication

some blessings, bestowings, becomings and empowerings

 


"my prayers are always with you...but you are Oya...mother of storms..... you wield lightning and ride the winds into battle....i fear not for you priestess Queen...."

"but even in battle warriors fall....it is not in that falling that a warrior is undone....it is surrendering to the fall..."

ohk. well i did nt do that

"i never thought you would...not the Queen Maven i know...."

i certainly did not do that..i even went back to the scene as if to prove it is neither me, my close nor defining moment

"Oya indeed..."

wink emoticon thanks for reminding me to keep focused and in the right frame identity

"we hold each other up...."

i am glad to hear I do that for you!

"even when you do not know...."

that is very encouraging!

Portentious Dreams of Train Wrecks and Disintegrating Vehicles

therapist: "you are attempting the wrong things, with the wrong people, is why all the blockages. I need to be on a higher vibration: meditation, tai chi, go see doc mayers"
and i wonder, "if the right people are found in trinidad; my right people"
and i come home to write my experience, pick up my last photo card to entry and i see my last writing: a dream i had last saturday, june 6 reads:

"I had such a weird sci fy alternate reality magical realism dreams last night. getting in car accidents where the whole right front side gets dismantled away and yet, the driver, me, feels nothing. Then driving the car and what feels like fifth st at night, and the car disintegrates where there is no vision, like if the windscreen gets smaller or my vision retards, and the car seems to be driving itself into a "train wreck" and i try to drive it to park and its parts fall off and away, seeming to enter a huge type of drain. endangering myself and others almost hitting a couple, a rastaman threatened to hit me. I felt the dream is telling me my vehicle, my life, my movements are taking me toward destruction"
that is what i wrote a week ago today.
the week's event proved to be just that:
-------------------
"I will try to make sense.
I am being bullied by two political crackpots.

And everything that happened, is all in writing, either email or fb inbox so no skews or lies on my end.

Long and short, I had and made and wrote a project with Marcia Braveboy, ONLY to write for a website she would set up. We, she and I, had a four hour meeting at the Hyatt in April where we structured the thing, my brain power and instruction to her for negotiating for our inputs and needs. There are written notes on both our end, mine are brief as I was the one instructing.

$10k/min $15K preferably

apple suite: Laptop, tablet, and phone

office and computer equipment

A second meeting was promised for me to meet her funder as I wanted to know who i was dealing with.

That never happened.

ON June 2, she phoned, asked to meet me, She disbursed $10K, it was to be $7500 but i asked for more to pay off a loan to my sister. She gave me the $10K. She knew what the money would be used toward.

Mind you, all along my working with her was affable and in a partnership and mentoring mode.

I was also trying to work with her professionally to elevate her image from the gutter where most people have her, and to move away from the public wrangling she has with so many other journalists. We talked too of a professional makeover I would do for her.

Upon Jun 2 I was dispatched to the apple store, with her driver to get my suite. but she sent me without information and instructions, which I have in writing, asking:  who to ask for, what to ask for, what is to be done. She never answered.

So i get the hardware but it could not be set up as I had no sim.

A day later, she agreed to pick me up, take me to get a sim, take me back to apple to get machines set up.

She did not follow through. That too is in writing fb inbox. This all happened this week.

The next day she had Jason Lewis write me. Though i had no engagement with him at all regarding this matter, nor did I know he or anyone else was involved, and she and I working together was to be under strict confidentiality.

A transgression of our agreement as I told her i would only work with her privately and confidentially because she is so messy i did not want to be associated with her publicly.

Since the first discussion and I seeing on fb that she would agree with me in conversations but continue acting in the same derelict manner publicly, I decided I did not want to work with her in an office as we had first set out. I realized the set up was some kind of ego boost for her and I just wanted to keep my distance. She seemed to get upset about that. And rather than discuss it with me, she shut down.

I know Jason, we used to be friends...we were trying to do projects together as well. He was also trying to get me a job, until he just stopped communicating, when he got a job with the PM.

So him writing me out of the blue when he had dropped all our projects and communications offended me. Then he was writing me in this very officious and obnoxious manner. I told him i have no agreement, arrangement or involvement with him.  He told me he was trying to get me to keep this job. I stopped exchanging with him. I told him Marcia transgressed several modes and agreements by sending him to me.

I continued writing my bits and sending them in. I just started actually two days ago, using my own equipment as I had been waiting to get the new equipment set up. Why that is, I wanted to not get entangled with the wrong people .So doing this gig, with so many things going off: Not meeting the funder, Not knowing where the writing was going: Something else i asked repeatedly and it was never forthcoming. But i found it, a website and two fb pages under GO Brave. I saw that it was innocuous  so i felt the risk was low. So I began submitting with my own computer.

Marcia knew and I made it clear what i was going to write: Middle of the road professional pieces, no partisanship and mixed subject matter; I could write on any topic, not just Trinidad politics. or for unc/pp. My first pieces were to be on jack warner what i had written on my fb pages. But i saw on the site it would be out of sync.

Anyway, in a matter of three days this deteriorated. With Marcia saying she did not want to work with me. but she did not tell me that. she sent Jason. I thought this was childish.

I refused to deal with Jason. They tried again on gmail. with him giving me instruction. I ignored him.

So the message below is what is the last missive. And the threat along with notice that the agreement is disbanded.

The threat of baliff off the bat is the bullying that jason has been carrying on with.

Trying to place me in an employee position when I am not that, not even for big wigs I work with. Far less for these two.

HE has also entered not knowing a lot of the details of my involvement with Marcia. I want to emphasize this is akin to making an agreement with someone on a project and once it starts, all the rules flip and change and because I have resisted their MO; I become the problem. And their MO is anything but preferred It is very gutterish. The whole thing. But I was trying to be smart and wise and navigate around them, and just produce, but that has not worked.
I know for a fact he came in after Marcia and I set this up.

So i wanted legal help.I cannot abide by the bullying, the changing of conditions, arrangements, agreements, who i am working with, how and under a changed payment structure. All without my consultation. That is not how agreements are managed. and certainly third parties intervening in a two person deal is inappropriate. I did not sign up for what they are trying to impose on me.

I want to place a restraining order that neither of them contact me. Cease and Desist

I want a letter to them indicating deal with 'my lawyer" and quash this matter.

And the option given them, either leave me with the equipment or pay me the $60K of the four months and the equipment.

That if they want to disband me, fine, but they get nothing from me. You dont get to stop a contract and want to determine the terms of disbanding. But I have no interest in negotiating with them I just want us to part ways at no risk, bullying, control of me and certainly not any nastiness as they are around people and may have the mindset to go down that road.

And the bottom line is this:

Marcia has a problem with me. That developed in one day. Her stopping communications as a result.

What i think is I show her how much of an incompetent she is. And that did not go well.

Marcia transgressed our professional arrangement and personal friendship by bringing in someone to bully me

I think it is all about control.

Both Marcia and Jason are trying to make me write and produce work outside my integrity after something else was arranged. ( i am repeating myself)

Marcia and then Jason decide to break the agreement, not me.

The manner in which they are moving is obnoxious

As a result , on a broken contract, they dont get to take back the equipment.

And i take exception to threats of a bailiff.

MIND YOU:This agreement was just for four months. And the equipment we were to keep.

I just want to push back without tangling with these cretins.

I have not answered Jason's last mail.

My last communication with Marcia was when she wrote she does not want to deal with me.

I told her she does not have to, Just receive my writings and dispatch the driver when money is to be disbursed.
So i have attempted to provide my side of the bargain, which is being rebuffed.

This is the matter

I got myself entangled with unscrupulous politicos, who refuse to allow me to function as how i outlined in the beginning, and now want to threaten and bully and I am trying to find a way out, quietly, decently and at their loss based on their behavior.

i forgot a critical piece that i did not stipulate clearly: A complete changing of the terms of work,

after agreement was reached on how it was structured...after lump sum for writing.

then it was changed twice: ending in $500/piece, in a matter of one day.

then in terms of content. and approach..

IF this were a real situation they would have to pay compensation for breach of contract, i think the equipment is fair game on what was to be a $60K gig"

The Heights of Privileges: White, Light, and LightSkinned Female

http://financialjuneteenth.com/woman-accused-of-pretending-to-be-black-in-order-to-get-a-job/

the height of white privilege:
to be black when you are as white as the driven snow,
no modern mix of any african or strained brown
and yes, we accept and know and agree Lucy
and if not her, we know africa as the source of all you human specie
the one race, human

nevertheless, the story is intriguing
first of all, someone needs to make a pictographic of the history of all the national, regional and state naacp heads. there might be a story that is long as its creation to tell. or see. nothing new. this is just the height and privilege of a value system

then this is also poignant for the black african american historic joke that "no white person would ever choose to become black and live that life in the KKKamerika
and here it is. chris rock has the most often touted commentary on it. but plenty have played on that former reality.

so the question becomes: when and why and how did that change

we have an interesting conundrum here, just like how racist white and other people will say black people are being racist, which is a blatant lie, to be racist means you require power to affect other's lives, experiences and opportunities, so black people can be biased, prejudiced and in preference but with no power, impossible to be racist. so too are those who want to say she is passing. to say so means you have been lost to the truth. passing was done and mentioned and refers to those who are african and have enough lightening to appear white, and so pass into the dominant paradigm. no one passes into the subjugated realm. we actually had systems structured to block and ban such alliances.  where poor whites were separated from former slaves and poor black people. creating again, a divide and rule, lest people really wake up to see all these mechanisms are to keep workers and the poor from uniting

the other thing that i am now just acknowledging in a holistic fashion: the uniform likeness of germans to appear mixed...their strain, i have always seen it, their color always a natural burnished bronze, this chick too shows it. she reminds me of the girlfriend of my elder cousin who was my driver and chaperone during middle school in nyc. she was from the midwest, and i always felt she looked, 'odd'./ white but not. and now i see it/ remember it..she too was of germanic background, and much of the US and predominantly the midwest US, is.

but what does it mean when everything is turned on its head. this article is the best spin...the perspective that she played white to get a job. I can only agree if i know her full life and history. the irony and twist. is the unemployment story so bad that white people are playing black to get a job? cause black people's own organizations wont hire, choose, pick and employ their own, black africans? makes me think of the pnm in trinidad.  who do they choose to represent their so-called stated intrest of 'black people'. one myth propagated even as the populace watches the consistency in which they are overlooked, ignored and marginalized as if they do not exist, fade to black dark, no inclusion in sight.

i touched on it before but the height of white privilege. the height of light skin privilege. the height of white light skin female privilege.

it is lovely, it is rich. the stories to excavate. the themes to engage. and i writing this and I have yet to open and read one article. just seeing the depictions and snatches of the story since yesterday.

the farce of so much peeled back and exposed: who do we get and accept to represent us? our interests. it is proof perhaps, a suggestion that we have no guards, zero precepts, no policy, no standards, and very wishy washy at best, our mission and mandate. it all speaks to our politics, or lack thereof, in our varied dimensions, identities, and direction.

 
another angle on this dolezal story.
here in the caribbean
people are so deceitful
white people with black strain chirren
meaning the father is as black even if called brown or red -- man african as he could be....they feign under this we rainbow nation, no color designation, mark no spot.. identify not. negation is their tactic to never have to name the genetic hybridization back to africa, no. not after all these years of privilege reckless.

cause they will bawl blood if their white constructs and life had to be impeded in any way of being called nigger, negro, african, colored.
the plantation aint no ways tired
the blocks keep moving, for their betterment and outcomes
the white chirren ehnt all white.
but they could pass, and pass they will, as long as we tick no color.
bwaahahahaa...

On The Journey to Curanderismo

LOok
Life is getting more crazy. if that can be possible.
i know african americans used to laugh or chide that white people never want to really be black. weeeellllll! we can hang up that story now. dozlal. the naacp rep/ i am not even gonna check the correct spelling of her name. i saw the story yesterday, this morning it greets me on bbc. the world is bizarre. do these people think no one will ever find out? makes me think of a ten days ago, and my lust love interest, i think he got burdened by a year of silent pretending...if what you are hiding doesnt break you, someone else will. the story will emerge. do you have a plan for then? it is wild. cause there are a bunch of black people who look like that chick. my cousin's white girlfriend in the late 70s early 80s was like her, and then there was something a bit fascinating about her for me. this white chick from the midwest, when i had never heard of such place nor used that lingo. i just knew it all did not fit my sense of the world that was my family and existence, and she herself, her features, werent all white, she was more exotic somehow. well anyway. you know i think that woman's name was diane? i should ask my cousin patrick. he is 60 now and a grandfather. smh.. life and memories.

so i wake up with amusing views.
thinking that the world is so increasingly crazy, i am encountering so many crazy people. and to me crazy is merely inconsistent. and look, on bbc now, grayson perry a psychiatric nurse artist. are there any mistakes and coincidences...well what i am saying is that i am so filled of the non-segue behavior, the psychopathic responses, the sociopsychopathic nervousness of the twisted. the dissonance, deceit and the subterfuge..and all these people refuse to go and get some help and guidance. so guess what? I have decided to do so for them. Since I am the sole one in the class with the brain anyway. I shall take notes. and return to sessions for sharing, if they will stop their life schedules to gain some insights...but who else but me.

i also woke up thinking did i really get/come here to sleep, dream, write and muse?
and so part of that is learning, teaching and exploring. so let me explore an old practice in a new time and write about it. let me do something old in a new place, and document it. i feel i am here to live a totally leisured life of introspection of every kind. and i am excited. i once wanted to have sessions with the uwi psychiatrist gerard hutchinson, but since regular citizens rarely reach out to a professional and say, i want to hear your views of the issues in the country as it relates to your work, and they be male and i be female and they not think i am making a move, so i does drop that shit real quick when i realize people on shit, that their life and culture does not allow them a larger grander scale of seeing the world, and that is part of this therapy thing eh : to develop a wider pantheon of responses to crazy stimulus.

i dont think the world will get saner, grounded or find more wellbeing anytime soon, so i need to go and contrive some new responses for quiet observations.

that delightful meal i had yesterday, of idaho baked potatoes and middle of the night my sinus was practically closed shut, and i could not figure out why, the sleep predominated, for which i am glad, but only when i wake up do i realize it is that. GMO. i am a lightning rod for so many things. madness. and every time i write that or crazy i cant tell you how consistently one or another twisted soul in some scenario or in remembrance of some out of timing response or projection they gave me that made me realize, this person i thought was sane, is really crazy. how consistently that has happened in the last few weeks in particular. so for people  as well as for food. I am a lightning rod. i am the water stick...the means to find the solution

so my dream last night is from the one major starring couple in my life, the one of my long time closest friend. and his very mentally ill and off balanced and mixed bag and mixed up mate...and I have decided I am sneaking away from that corridor of their life, relations, dynamics and unraveling...you know i have told my friend for someone to be with someone crazy and off balanced, requires them to be so too. else you would not be with them. it is a thought I apply to myself. why did i end up in a place full of mad people. a country mad a culture sick. a land deformed and scarred, poisoned and dumped on? why am i embedded in a mental hospital. cause that is what trinidad is. the whole of it. read the history and one realizes. st. anns not in st. anns. those for the sane people. st. ann's is everywhere else in trinidad .i want to know why i am here. why i keep meeting the crazy ones, and not the sane mad ones. where are the well people/ where is the well. ? I am trying to find.

so in the dream last night, he was in some procession , ceremony or ritual, at his home, it was a new and different house, but the same character was there, but also in the dream, it was more so, more artsy, more avant garde, more cutting edge, and actually an old house. Like I now wish my grandfather's house was still existing, and i could have turned that into an art deco tapia trinidad house ..the big open windows, the french doors. the idea of integrating old architecture with refined fine modern attributes, like make the old kitchen real fly in all its old norms, . turn the bath and toilet into a fab bathroom salon. and the same small bedrooms without all its furniture. and perhaps build a huge gallery or more rooms under a gallery for the stuff put out...and then the whole place would be this symbol of caribbean artistry and verve. that is what the house in the dream looked like. and my friend was acting weird, and he was always behind his mate. and it made me think either that is the pinnacle of all that has been said, he is totally and irrevocably locked in, or that was the ceremony happening. although there were others in the procession as if it was a pledge line. and white cloth over their heads and eyes. lots of friends like every other gathering at the studio. and i was there moving around and floating as i always do, impervious to all or any.


the ultimate of this madness that is this place, this week. no not jack warner. the best option for the next prime minister. or the collection of the broken, twisted and sick that make up my normal daily life. but the latest financial ratchifee bold and emboldened with cash for a cant' miss advertising campaign of full page ads, news reports, and yet, I am the only single solo one i see raising an alarm

get this crazy.
a company been in various forms of ratchifee for a decade or more. as far as I can surmise, they been playing money chess since day one. something you can do when money is freely flowing, backing up to clean and launder, and you are at the trough. well..perhaps when the dispensation shifts and changes to the others, your time card is ejected out...and you find your operations squeezing over time into debt. time for you to really find the money to pay your partners, debtors the bank. so what do you do if you are chinese, syrian, white, monied? you set up an ipo, cause other people in debt, the poor and middle, dont think up some schemes, well maybe one or two, me, but it will be a cold day in hell to have the system take you on and run your gauntlet, if not set you up to take in your victims.

and that is what we have here. a brand new company. an ipo. going to the stock market, to sell shares, bonds? certificates? to the public. and what are you buying for $1000? the white male wealthy people and them, their bills and debt. it is part process of the patterns that led to the wall street crash. the selling of empty. the selling of inflated zero value. the selling of nothing. and what are you doing when you buy:? bailing out their troubles. you buying it wholesale, as if you dont have enough of your own. and someone everyone the landscape, the stock exchange the central bank the fiu, the justice ministry the attorney general ...all those persons and ministries, think this is perfectly alright.

see why i am going to take notes in therapy. you all fuckers need it.
after clico and duprey, here we are again
while you want to excoriate jack you quickly go to organize your money, i imagine.
i have no news on how it is progressing and its sales numbers.
i am going to find a way to steal and take every hair on you all's living dead zombie bodies and sell it back to you as a rare piece of art. each single one.

 there are no witnesses so i have to be my own

Thinking Woman Trinidad Sorrows, Two

when you know you came close to the edge of the end, at the hands of another..and you see all around you, in a matter of days, so many other women who werent so lucky. one slashed to death. two missing. and those are just the ones in the news. this week, since weekend. always by people you trust and love. reminds me of that piece in For Black Girls Who Considered Suicide When The Rainbow Aint Enough..the one who got raped on a date she thought was innocuous, inviting the man into her home for a cooked meal...the idea of the beasts and demons we try to love all the while being excoriated of alienating our black men....

your heart gets heavy

the brave face you were attempting starts to crack
the tears roll
for all you know and cant say and cant express

then after all the chicken heads screaming about the sky is falling cause of all their acculturation to shit and calling it culture, the shame of the nation's truth finally being exposed, and still it aint really not even close by a country. turkey is in the middle east somewhere... and bemoaning the state of the country, then they turn around and post== one of the loudest proclaiming another frog crapo of money and dirty history most likely... just cause he light, weightlift chest and leave his scrawny legs like toothpicks, and these black hens calling in chorus "sexy" to buy the air time and you feel to kill yourself. cause isnt that what we were just excoriated about. are these beings from which alter creation? not one with brains for consistent logic, surely. some alice in wonder under land shit that has yet to be cateallegoried.

the ones you worried about not worth saving
and you know there aint nobody to see about you


-----------------------------

 i am looking forward to sleeping later. not two hours of sleep even. guess i am going to make up for all the over sleeping the last few days

but before going to sleep i thought something:
i now know why and how those white people are always getting mauled by wild animals, particularly the game of thrones editor just the other day...they hold this being that they are good and pure and the wild animals they are approaching will see that, and there is all this projection and fantasy, delusion, that you are loving it. want to embrace it. and in that love there is no guard. all loss of sense, if ever there was any. but, too, there is this total unknowing, ignorance, innocence, even, for playing with what is outside your realm, and then you become easy prey to predators. and thus, the end of your life.

it is that.
it is why women end up dead and mauled
playing with wild animals
the male beast of the concrete wild
some embroiled in mental illness
we think we can save them
our love will save them
same thing
same story


 

Thinking Woman: "Always Enjoy Life Who Knows What Tomorrow Brings"

 

William S. Carter' Woman Thinking

Hey Carlene. 

How life flips on a dime.  

I did something stupid last night and ended up hurting myself. not badly but i am not flying like yesterday, nor is it easy to walk with a sprained big toe, and a knee out of alignment. 

ask me no stories so i dont have to tell you the story. just that i was very foolish so i wont be walking to the bank BUT< i did learn tomorrow is a national holiday? Did you put JP on alert? Do you think he can come up tomorrow? Then when I realize he has to come and get the bank receipt anyway, I am thinking just give him the money. And i have the original receipt he made me sign, so perhaps he can sign off on that same receipt.. Does this work?.

Ooops..be careful. I will tell him. That will be fine about the receipt. Mourning the sudden death of a friend

 

so much of that is going around. my condolences.

Thanks. Always enjoy life, who know what tomorrow brings

 

yeah. i got hit last night by my lover, and feeling quite confused. first of all it was my fault, cause I hit him first, playfully, we werent fighting or anything and he tripped. then i continued to make a series of errors. followed him as he left, i went to apologize but ended up smacking his head he hit me back after swinging and missing one .

i hit the ground, scratched a bracelet, scrubbed my elbow , sprained my left toe, and knee. It was completely my own idiocy , fault.

I dont know what i was thinking> this guy is a strongy, not one someone would think to lift their hand to It makes me think, something is wrong with me. 

There have been times in my life that i did things that made no sense and left me asking who was that? who was that that did that? 

 I also realize how lucky i am cause he could have really gone off and beat me up . I never knew he was like that he even said once "I was lucky he is not a person to raise his hand" once when I was playing with him struggling with a gate but he wasnt playing

 It is a weird feeling, I now know what it is about violence in a relationship. all my life I never dealt with that. i had a boyfriend once who tried to collar me and pushed me on a sofa and i flew up and pushed him back. but never anyone to swing at me I am shocked at his ease to do so And my feelings are mixed which confuses me and makes me feel numb. It was my fault so I cant have the anger I would think. I feel a loss of innocence; and just some weird sadness that is a numb regret. 

and what is deep the back of my head is hurting me. 

I really got my alignment jolted. I thought to go and get some reiki but I dont think there is anyone here who is good at it like my guy in michigan 

 I am writing . i decided to tell you to see if it would be some kind of release I also feel shame. I realize when this happens, both parties feel shame; I saw it. I heard it. After he hit me he said, "I told you I not good; i been trying to tell you that. I is a criminal. The things I would do to you" I just told him i thought you were good. and nothing good will ever come to you , trust that" 

But it is the inability for the day after for me to be normal. I am limping. my left elbow is tied up because the scrape though clean and washed is oozing blood

 You would think the older you get one would be better at handling life and situations but seem like I am the opposite .

The other thing that disturbs me is that Carlene I knew and used to say trini men are dangerous and violent stay away from them. And like from since 2009 it appears i have gone on a mission to prove this. sometimes 

I do think there is a demon about me, within, seem like it is intent on wreaking havoc and creating experiences for me to live through as if some kind of gauntlet and requirement. It is a bit discomfiting i wish i could just shake it off and move on, but i cant even say why I feel i am just as crazy as everyone else. this situation was and is mad. makes no sense 

Sorry to share all that ugliness. 

Help me alchemize it 

Somehow I was surprised to hear how much Mark does not like himself. and really he was talking to me about that all evening.. He says he is bipolar, and i can tell he is tortured by it. I could be wrong but he also told me for the first time that he real likes me and I got the sense that he likes me but seeing me and my family and how we appear to be and live he is not comfortable being with me, exposing 'his shit' to my life . it was like he was saying it cant happen. I dont belong there. I am not worthy of that. I am damaged. and I felt bad for him. He feels too he cant manage his condition, and I know there are ways. but I am sure no one is around him helping him But...it is bizarre.

that whole damage thing;

I think i must be too
and getting more so every day

and with injuries like a hurting head, what else would that be. but just that.

Funny thing too the stars alignment talked of this being a period of things ending and the truth of matters coming forward.

 I think i feel traumatized..

i think it was bad but for some reason I dont know it or feel it actually and only now sensing how bad it was, in hindsight i think he must have really whacked me in the head, and seem i remember him pulling my locs. I guess that is what you call rage from nowhere. I dont know 

Trying to make sense of craziness. Especially my own 

 I remember too my mother's old friend, and I was present when she mentioned or my cousin told me that they went to a fete, she met this guy, went with him for sex, and the guy beat her up. badly! and she had to hide it from her husband. I never forgot that story; One of the many that told me to beware 

I also now realize and know that once you get touched, it changes who you are. I now know that 

Also realizing that you can talk about anything horrible sounding, but living it is a totally different kettle of fish.. i realized the distance of violence from me and my life...from before...and experiencing it now.

I also decided to tell you after you wrote what you did: "Always enjoy life who knows what tomorrow brings" and i thought yes, but too that enjoying life can also bring you trouble. I was with this guy for that reason, trying to just enjoy life as it comes and shows up. And you know, we would have been together for a year now. on the 25th of this month.

I wish i could wash this from my energy field, mind and body but not so. you know being hit in my head was a trip too ...i discovered in 2013 that i have a brain infarction ...a small blood clot that nothing can be done about....and now feeling the hurt in the back of my head...makes me wonder how things can be effected or compacted upon/ I could drop dead too, i have known that since, and told very few people. just told my mom a few weeks ago.

Anyway, i think i am writing to write. Sorry There are no accidents and why do i sabotage myself as I do?

------------------

I reposted this inbox conversation and as I left it a truth hit me. I am not that crazy. I did not act out for no reason.

I was being sexually bullied, if not receiving unfair, heavy handed , one sided engagement

and I acted out
same madness
just not as without reason as I betrayed.

there is a lot of ugly we put up with, cause it is not very blatant
=================


then i reread to insert spaces and make sure it is not as disjointed as it feels, and at one point i felt the need to be washed clean as in famous Jesus folklore...being washed in a river, like i did in israel

being cleansed

and i felt a palpable vision of the need for both mark and i to be so washed and cleansed and made whole again..

and i remember. =
last night to his friend, he spoke of wanting to find a church, to tell his soul and sins.

I heard him but had no thought nor reflection or comment. but now it becomes significant prescient.

actually i did give a response, i told him to come to my church. i want to have a church, to heal people and teach them how to live


then an hour later when we were in bed on our way to our precipice, he told me i was a muslim


and he asked me while we showered if i was a baptist, orisa, he thinks i do obeah.


all the pieces of a thinking woman
------------------




ongoing communication

Girl that is a lot So sorry about what happened. My dear when it comes to hitting there are no grey areas..it's black and white. .he hit you, you walk. Even if you provoked the hit. It's says a lot about him, you eh no therapist. .walk away

Meant grey areas. No grey areas when it comes to hitting

 

i agree. it is done. all of that is why i say my behavior was mad. You never hit anyone. never ever. Never hit a man, cause this. you dont know how he might respond.. i really thought he was the type to not raise his hand. 

but see that crazy shit, somehow I thought it was okay to do. Just mad crazy shit. Anyway, i am glad i wrote. made a blog post. sigh

Okay sis, take it easy, doh let no man be the death of you

 

just holding my self to task is all. i did mess up.

 

Hmmmm that's what battered women say

 


wow. told you i talked of being damaged

 you know i am feeling I am so done with men for awhile. before this happened i was felling that...that i was losing interest to keep trying

now the battered women comment spurs... a lot to check and correct moving forward.

Damage is more than a notion

Dont give up there are good men out there

i got to get right first. think i still living generational curses. my mother was a battered woman. think i told you that

 

No I didn't know that. What do u mean by get right?

 

i think my willingness to be with Mark proves i am not right. some things are off get good so i attract same. i used to think you cant attract anything but what exists, and i had made the decision to take what i could get, having done without for so many years. but that not right thinking..and just seeing my behavior in this case, last night..tells me plenty.

i think what i feel is depression now too. from the heights i was at if you can realize/believe

i also dont listen to my spirit. i had stopped hanging out being out. had i stayed home last night as well...that too

I understand. Where r u meeting these guys?

 

in my neighborhood 

Dam girl!

 

 you know for all my life i thought i was so much better than most, women, especially. and like life in trinidad has been a long decathalon to show me I am not

[Game of Thrones editor killed by a lioness on a safari while organizing anti poaching efforts] 


 

But girl that eh mean you have to hang out in the hood. Eh no good come out if it so far. Yes you are better cause you know better.

 

with no car and money... 

And look, i met Chase in town, in a meeting to talk business.... 

 i just took a shower. smoked some cigarettes. i feel a bit better. I will shake this off. I wont wallow.

 thanks for bearing a witness to my soul.

No problem my dear. Just remember that you are fearfully and wonderfully made. Let no man lower than you make you feel lower

Than them

 

yeah. that is an interesting thing eh i shall remember

Please do sis

 

nods...i will. i will get it together

I know

 

Carlene!! Look how blessed I am always despite my experiences. 

 i can tag you on the post to show you what i wrote. and eddie is the guy who say he going to just such a person in the morning..

and he explains me this: "like acupressure, give what you can, sometimes I don't have any money, but most times a blue - you lie on a massage table and he presses, not massage, into points on the body - it's not a cure all scenario, nor is he an educated man, simple guy who's been doing this for some years, 'straightening people out"

this is what i shared back so he knows under what spirit he moving: "oh my eddie, this is so perfect. i hesitate to tell you, why but my god you are like a godsend. I got into some violence last night, with my lover and wish to have my energy cleansed and cleared> yeah. that. me.

say a prayer on your head for seeing my post. for responding. for sharing your hand and for choosing to allow me to tag along. See the weight of it all by need!"

peculiar, eh?

That's interesting. I guess things fall in place without our help

give thanks. i am very grateful for this godsend and opportunity

==============

Michael M Law:

"I have not dated a big woman in a while because the last one I dated 5 Years ago almost killed me. I told her it was over and she told me she was getting in a cab in the rain, I thought she was joking. within 15 minutes, I heard the door bell rings. I thought it was Jesus. I opened that door and oh boy; i got my ass whoop with some mike Tyson Combos. I wanted to fight back but this girl is big and she is 6 ft 1 and if I hit her back, not only she would not feel it but that would only get her more mad and I would be found dead. I just took those punches to the head and waiting for Jesus to help, there was no white Jesus coming to save my black ass. Thankfully she finally stopped and left me with nots in my head and I had to chase her down the street to beg her in the rain to get in the car so she would not be out there late in the rain. I still love her, she had my back when I didn't have a pot to piss in. I will never forget that beatdown. Big women are no joke. They may be sweet but when they are mad, it can be fetal**."
------------------------------

Shaman Angels, Energy Healers & Truth Warriors - The Lightworkers Journey

"This Mercury Retrograde has been a record-breaking doozy, and you may have experienced some harsh misunderstandings or drama. The beautiful blessing is that these experiences also are mirrors to help us recognize and finally overcome recurring negative patterns.

That's where your card today comes in, urging you to spend quiet time alone, reflecting on any choices that you made that might have been against your inner guidance
Mercury goes direct on Thursday (with a bit of a shadow period afterward), so right now you have an opportunity to completely eliminate negative patterns that have been magnified by Mercury's influence

Sometimes, we need to hit bottom pretty hard in order to become aware that there IS a better way. So, spending time in self reflection is an investment that will pay off greatly forever"