my every thought, consideration, theory, muse, word and whim
Sunday, July 22, 2012
The Wisdom of Leo's Fool
Kevin Ervin
i like this. deeply. i have been a fool these past few weeks. something, a frame, concept, inhabitation i have struggled, fought, resisted, resented and ran from my whole life; but just now, about since May 31, I have been a fool. Just so i can break my cycle of eschewing men, one showed up at my door, almost literally...asking him for fruit in his yard, across my street, and then,...so it started...and when I encountered his issues, fears, baggage and his running, I stayed. I persisted. I fought for him. And I have learned a lot. Finally in maturity I learned what it is to navigate the macho male psyche (the real male in a landscape of many forms of effeminate), and what it means to have to navigate and dance to keep peace; and what it is to release the pride and ego, and what it means to be female, when and how, for what purpose, and then how to be graceful with a broken heart...for it is easy and the simple will always take easy rather than fight and fight through, and fight themselves to get to truth, easy is always the lover chosen...and i have learned how many easy women there are out there.. .like leaves on a tree in the tropics, they never fall, there is never any shortage. and all without panties, mind or clothing...I have learned how not to wrangle with that...it is not my fight. I have learned how we cannot control any other, but ourselves. SO i have seen myself be sick with heartbreak and cry, for realizing how i am stands in the way of getting what i want (two manrat in one hole never works), so i had to learn how to find a place where a man i want wants to take place. It has been fascinating. Learning these things in a half life, for a woman, is interesting.
And so now I am learning to let go. release from any expectations.
Then learning how to slip away peaceful, to take on the cloth of indifference not maintain connections.. Learning about humanity, human nature and the motivations of men and when you decide you want to be motivated to be different from your history. its been deep
and no, i dont have baggage. not the male female kind and dynamic, because for years, I stayed out of the ring, and away from men, owing to the fact there are few in number, more males and creatures roaming...so I got saved from bitterness, acrimony, undermining hatred. no male bashing or manhatred to counter...so its been an interesting experience, being a fool for a woman whose heart and soul is open...
but this has been my season of being a fool for a Leo. ;)
(thanks for letting me write this. i would not have otherwise...now it is a blog piece)
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Star Night Snake Tellings
seems i was a scrapped out and scrapped down computer
to nothing but its framed metal (of what zero value?) to be recycled. used, taken to the scrappers or the dump.
period
but appears as though the point came after, the decision of which or both i am not clear. i just know the two conclusions or derivatives existed:
one, gratitude. overwhelming gratitude. maybe the issue was i was scrapped down to nothing empty of no use and consequence and yet still, i am filled of gratitude
two, empty to nothing so, of no value in the world, I was still, invaluable
weird huh. I know
even my dreams are riddles and puzzles to put together
i ponder whether to share a conversation i had with a long time friend yesterday who is now a minister. i really feel, now, today that trinidad is missing out on not hearing the inner views, insights and thoughts of this person/ on our society (it is brutal full of personal trauma where children suffer it from small and grow up under it, that is their nourishment), on men ("you ehnt hear the Minister say 40% of the population mentally ill"; "I do hear that a lot about the men - bipolar schizophrenia". "listen the men are hogs and the women have come to that assessment" on women: they have come to the understanding of how hoggish the men are about what they want so they have decided to use it against them and so relations are nothing but negotiations to get what one wants" on relationships: dismal. On work: "I was shock to see the level at which sex pervades the office" " the women there are parlaying and using it to promote, survive and maintain" "I have long said this is a highly sexualized society" "how the desk banter and conversation in any office is empty mopshit separate from the heavily infused sexual inuendo at the watercooler amongst and amidst all...and even as he went on to tell me how difficult i am because i am not contending these things, how men would not have the patience to get to know me because men here do not know women are specialized, each individually, and how I do not mix in with people's vibration at their level...all about all the things I dont do to make me not fit. He tells me all the sordid things that imbues, pervades, emits, grows this place that validates staying away. It was amusing. I gave that feedback...his response is that all must survive and the fact "that i was not grown here I never "acculturated" to the madness, so that is why it is almost impossible for me" and how much I am like his wife, she having given back a contract for she did not want to hear any story about minister's wife...he says, "who does that?" "nobody does that here" but for her and me, "we are absolute morality people"
i cant begin to tell you how deep this exchange, how much underground is its foundation - full of irony, tragedy, personal disappointment, long life friendship, drama, past resentment and anger...LIFE...just nine years worth about...
but it was that richness and the insights squeezed from it, i feel I wanted to share to show you how much you miss from looking at people and not never knowing who they really are, and what they have to offer. and I am not talking about me but him. he needs to be on a show, giving running commentary, with quiet interviews with someone sensible who knows him to elicit the information out for consumption.
then when i pondered whether to share this content, I imagined...to you the reader the trinidad public: you have a minister, and could not even imagine his personal story...that man was unemployed for years before now. that these are pictures and truths about our society..
it made me wonder the personal life stories of the other members in public life/ and in juxtaposition to other people/
but he might be unusual. He like me, spent some years outside and abroad. there is a few of us who may need to be rounded up, corral for a purpose. what i am not sure
there is the seen and unseen and then, the world cosmic between
i think too between all these night thoughts and yesterday experiences my universe gave me who will see me and relate to me. for some reason a white man, of no particular identity, but he has a face, appeared on my screen..perhaps as I have been writing musing and insighting about men and relationships so much these past days, he showed up. daylight will tell
another random thought: fb is just another blog to me.
I write to no one in particular. but myself. just myself. just releasing and emptying the cup to myself. Kind of like going to the river in the back every morning...you live one consciousness at sleep and prepare for the other consciousness during daylight..of sorts...as it is becoming clearer, I am not prepared or equipped to deal with my current daily realities, and so i took recluse as an option. we talked of that too..how I used to be an opposite. a butterfly socialite from barataria, "Until trinidad battered me"
leading leaving me to morph into the snake medicine moruga company merikin obeah intergalactic sephirot lightworker universal wombmyn of port of spain
this is all validating. i am being real and authentic to myself and not playing to the crowd or society...uhm something else he said too that comes to mind...:how i saw people were selling their souls to survive here and I decided that was neither my pot nor spoon: something like that...
i write a story, a personal testimony of a place where I currently stand...
Good Sunday July 8 Morning
stuff makes no sense until you start writing
you should do the same
lets write for those who cant or dont
Marquez.
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Circular and Cumulative SocioPsychoPathological Manipulativeness
as i view notifications i am taking back to this graphic. quite profound really
i think this morning. well. something comes to mind in response to what its message and word poses> it is possible that we underestimate how common and pervasive man is sociopsychopathic manipulative sadomasochistic. i think we underestimate since it is not our bend as humans to see truth, get past our denials, and rationales, to admit our base craven sickness as human forms and living/ the financial crisis is the only real shocking thing that happened to prove this whole dynamic. look how all things appeared honky dory only masquing turmoil and set timed disaster behind the curtains of grand appearances.. look at trinidad lawrence duprey and ewart williams for example and one if thinking correctly begins to see what i speak of. they too are sociopsychopaths. and still free and on podiums. so you see the system and population itself is sick to accept them, their performances and exactings. with impunity they exist in grand great unmeasured balls to still show their face in public
so perhaps if this is the condition...these are the same characters whose seed gives birth to these women, so why would unconscious asleep women not cleave to parts of what made them? what would women choose if they are not aware of teh sickness they themselves swim and breathe?
why would women be any separate from the greater population of other men who get railroaded every day in daily life. see trinidad public spectre, life and conditions. the men and children are being phucked too just as equally. it is just that the women and children are preyed upon in hierarchy, so for them it is multiple forms of abusive realities. I submit for the males too in silent ways so we have what, a pool of really sick bastards that if you feign to be natural and in the flow of the population, from them you will chose and the rest of the asleep will make graphics wondering how and why and yet, no one putting the pieces together to realize they are standing back looking at themselves phucking another part of themselves/ just maybe under different conditions, in a different settings with a lot of compromises (money, post, job, position) that delude them into thinking they are different, above or better, when in fact, by doing so, you are perpetuating, investing and strengthening the said system
did you get that?
in other words, maybe, if you want to wonder why women end up, fall in love, stay with and make children for douchebags > ask yourself why you do?
---------
It is not just about who we mate.
This is a classic case of how SocioPsychoPathology is inhered in a population from early, inculcated, perpetuated and colonialized
Gillian Goddard:
Cheyenne Baptiste well said Gillian!
Gillian Goddard Yup Brian. It's the solidifying of the teaching of greed, competition, envy, working in isolation and AGAINST others, the silent agreement of unfairness through contact (as manifested in the 20% lists) and a complete silence and acceptance by those of us with access because we love our children and want them to get what should, in all fairness, be available to all. I guess that in a way we almost, as a society, cannot imagine what it would be if everyone had access to a GREAT school. It's not that expensive. Most of the good schools actually have worse facilities and worse paid teachers than the middling or mediocre schools. I wonder what the Common Entrance experience was of the worse of our politicians?
Gillian Goddard Vomiting sounds like a super-appropriate response here Elana. Let's keep putting attention and articulating what we want and not let it be sidetracked by complacency and a new crisis (which our governments keep in ready supply on the shelves.) What DO we parents and children and ex-members of the system want? What would make us and our children and our relationships with each other thrive when it comes to learning? And where can we find places that we can openly talk about this? Where can we cry about seeing what happened to our children when they hit 10 and the pressure was exerted? We need spaces. Robert Anthony Young, when are you going to have a session about this in your space?
Janine Mendes-Franco Let me know when that session is...I'm so there! The system is a proven failure - and yet, we keep doing the same thing and expecting different results. Change has to come from parents, as the powers that be have no vested interest in changing the status quo. To do that requires a shift in thinking; a major overhaul. I agree: great schools that respect and honour the spirit and interests of children should be the norm rather than the exception.
Natasha Ramnauth Why would the State have an interest in changing the system when the PARENTS so obviously want it? For years I have heard parents complain about lessons, the stress and strain on them, on their child etc but when asked, what would you do to change the system the answers never cease to amaze. Instead of subscribing to the ideal that the education experience should start at a standard base so that across the board, all schools should provide a quality experience, they mumble something about that will never happen. Of course it won't until we demand it. I have come to the conclusion that many Trinidadians prefer the drama and angst. ASlso wish to feel superior, even at the expense
Friday, July 6, 2012
Shower Revelations
Shower Revelations
people are so badly and repeatedly emotionally battered, abused and
disappointed they become irreparably damaged, especially if they never
move out of their recoil and resentful resistance. those are padlocks
that restrict change, block light, and blind view further
it made me realize the reason for compassion, cause it is not them. it is the experience. their behavior no matter how ugly is not who they came to be, but the altering, the poisoning. so what fool are you to react, battle and engage that? (darkness)?
it is nothing short of fighting phantoms cause that too, the experience, the reaction, the negativity, the learned behaviors are not real. but we absorb stuff. without the right consciousness we think our bad experiences by the hands and minds of others are about us. but they are not. it is about them
then we get infected as if a virus., and we repeat and project, making the illusion a second time/ still out of consciousness
you just have to walk away. in silence
it made me wonder > does black rage engender mental illness. and I know it does. I know i am asking a rhetorical question. i read a book in 1991 called Black Rage by psychologist team and couple, the Wares. beautiful book.
But somehow, i think the phenomena is overlooked, uninvestigated and especially when it comes to the black males. the ones not in jail. the ones looking sane and appearing like catches. some of them, i think a lot of them are sociopsychopaths waiting to reveal . i pick up from yesterday...as clarity comes to me. as answers reveal themselves
the case i saw was depressed bipolar mental illness schizophrenia of internal demons one fashions or imagines in events. and then the blowout. that makes no sense. leaving all who are observing, receiving, wondering. "what happened"
i am thinking > every time that happens, know for sure that is a sign of much of what i speak of here/..
then i wonder is it only black men? but i have less exposure and no experience of non-black men so i dont know cant answer. the non-black sisters will have to answer>>.and as i said yesterday, in the places i live: here in this caribbean, it is the morgue, the bodies and the maiming of women and children, all black and brown, that tells me there is a snake of a problem to deconstruct...and it always goes back to the men. and the women who were unable to see, discern, get out, and protect themselves and their children. So i am just looking at evidence and asking myself; what of?
i realize too...and have to say...this is not male or black male bashing. i have been protected, kept away and apart so i have been saved from the illness, the pathologies, the burning and the bitterness. i am an equal opportunity truth teller of the women and the men, without having been proven by fire, that fire. the male female poison of non-relating only battling.
tell you something else. i recently came into this revelation...whatever you hear a person regaling or telling of their male female experiences...you know how they rail; the black men talk about hating black women, how they are lost, worth nothing, doing nutten...and the black women who talk of men as aint shit, about shit. ...ha~ Ah. ...i beg to believe it is all projection of self. we are these things so we look for others to be different but we cant be, see or gather difference cause that is who you are. and even if you slip and fall and encounter someone of a higher vibration and purer frequency, bet your dollar that poisonous toxic person will perceive and convert every good thing that person shows or exhibits as not, lacking, obverse.
Life is Wild/
To try and build in connection with another has practically reached the point of total futility. I am just telling
you
stop saying "the good ones are married" cause the married ones are the maleable sicknesses that some woman decided she was going to door mat compromise swallow for. no hate. just harsh truths talking.
the few who are really good are too few to number
we cant talk of madness and sick societies and not admit the population IS.. married or single... how many do you really think escaped?
challenge you on that mathematics.
the alchemy for that aint make yet/
the viruses and pathogens roam free
i am just now watching it replicate in population
no lab
Life and Living/
it made me realize the reason for compassion, cause it is not them. it is the experience. their behavior no matter how ugly is not who they came to be, but the altering, the poisoning. so what fool are you to react, battle and engage that? (darkness)?
it is nothing short of fighting phantoms cause that too, the experience, the reaction, the negativity, the learned behaviors are not real. but we absorb stuff. without the right consciousness we think our bad experiences by the hands and minds of others are about us. but they are not. it is about them
then we get infected as if a virus., and we repeat and project, making the illusion a second time/ still out of consciousness
you just have to walk away. in silence
it made me wonder > does black rage engender mental illness. and I know it does. I know i am asking a rhetorical question. i read a book in 1991 called Black Rage by psychologist team and couple, the Wares. beautiful book.
But somehow, i think the phenomena is overlooked, uninvestigated and especially when it comes to the black males. the ones not in jail. the ones looking sane and appearing like catches. some of them, i think a lot of them are sociopsychopaths waiting to reveal . i pick up from yesterday...as clarity comes to me. as answers reveal themselves
the case i saw was depressed bipolar mental illness schizophrenia of internal demons one fashions or imagines in events. and then the blowout. that makes no sense. leaving all who are observing, receiving, wondering. "what happened"
i am thinking > every time that happens, know for sure that is a sign of much of what i speak of here/..
then i wonder is it only black men? but i have less exposure and no experience of non-black men so i dont know cant answer. the non-black sisters will have to answer>>.and as i said yesterday, in the places i live: here in this caribbean, it is the morgue, the bodies and the maiming of women and children, all black and brown, that tells me there is a snake of a problem to deconstruct...and it always goes back to the men. and the women who were unable to see, discern, get out, and protect themselves and their children. So i am just looking at evidence and asking myself; what of?
i realize too...and have to say...this is not male or black male bashing. i have been protected, kept away and apart so i have been saved from the illness, the pathologies, the burning and the bitterness. i am an equal opportunity truth teller of the women and the men, without having been proven by fire, that fire. the male female poison of non-relating only battling.
tell you something else. i recently came into this revelation...whatever you hear a person regaling or telling of their male female experiences...you know how they rail; the black men talk about hating black women, how they are lost, worth nothing, doing nutten...and the black women who talk of men as aint shit, about shit. ...ha~ Ah. ...i beg to believe it is all projection of self. we are these things so we look for others to be different but we cant be, see or gather difference cause that is who you are. and even if you slip and fall and encounter someone of a higher vibration and purer frequency, bet your dollar that poisonous toxic person will perceive and convert every good thing that person shows or exhibits as not, lacking, obverse.
Life is Wild/
To try and build in connection with another has practically reached the point of total futility. I am just telling
you
stop saying "the good ones are married" cause the married ones are the maleable sicknesses that some woman decided she was going to door mat compromise swallow for. no hate. just harsh truths talking.
the few who are really good are too few to number
we cant talk of madness and sick societies and not admit the population IS.. married or single... how many do you really think escaped?
challenge you on that mathematics.
the alchemy for that aint make yet/
the viruses and pathogens roam free
i am just now watching it replicate in population
no lab
Life and Living/
Maven Huggins •Men will always be mad, and those who think they can cure them are the maddest of all.
-Voltaire pseudonym of Fran c° ois Marie Arouet
Siris King/
"Neptune the hidden planet of love: In alchemical astrology neptune is a higher octave of venus. Neptune is totally unconditional love. Yet we need the experience of venus(bad relationships or materialstic relationships) to help our consciousness connect with the energy of neptune and experience higher vibrational love"
Mg Hardie/
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Ten Years Since the PhD: What FIve Things Am I?
The Nora Ephron Five Things I Am Today:
1. single, uninvolved, uningaged.
and i have been this for several decades; at core since 1991
2. unemployed
I have been this at core since forever; really and truly, except for blips and gigs, do i really have a career;
ever? one of the farce of my life. no matter what the compilation of incidences on my CV paint
3. clueless about my purpose and work in life; have no idea what i was born to do/ this has also always been
so
4. am i really these things:
writer, artist,
are you really an academic if no institution ever paid you to teach, mentor or research beyond student?
are you an author by the publication of three essays and a few poems all over the western hemisphere
map?
am i really an economist? yes I have a phd that has largely been unused in all its ten years. Ten Years
(i just got the title to this muse)
5. i like entrepreneurism. i am ambitious and enterprising at heart
but am i really an entrepreneur?
yes i have initiated a few attempts, but what is the marker and bar to say one has accomplished?
At No time in my life before now have i ever struggled or queried as to who i really am. or what.
The real list is thus:
1. Alive
2. Ostensibly Phenotypically Black
3. Female Wombmyn
4. Aspiring
5. Perpetual Dreamer
and that says a lot of nothing. but it is as real as it gets..
July 3, 2012
and this is the time of Full Moons, Completions, and Soul Transformations
so what list of New Five Things I Am? What Story Am I Writing?
https://www.facebook.com/notes/dale-osadchuk/03-july-2012-capricorn-full-moon/444508088917167
----------Post Scripts
1. single, uninvolved, uningaged.
and i have been this for several decades; at core since 1991
2. unemployed
I have been this at core since forever; really and truly, except for blips and gigs, do i really have a career;
ever? one of the farce of my life. no matter what the compilation of incidences on my CV paint
3. clueless about my purpose and work in life; have no idea what i was born to do/ this has also always been
so
4. am i really these things:
writer, artist,
are you really an academic if no institution ever paid you to teach, mentor or research beyond student?
are you an author by the publication of three essays and a few poems all over the western hemisphere
map?
am i really an economist? yes I have a phd that has largely been unused in all its ten years. Ten Years
(i just got the title to this muse)
5. i like entrepreneurism. i am ambitious and enterprising at heart
but am i really an entrepreneur?
yes i have initiated a few attempts, but what is the marker and bar to say one has accomplished?
At No time in my life before now have i ever struggled or queried as to who i really am. or what.
The real list is thus:
1. Alive
2. Ostensibly Phenotypically Black
3. Female Wombmyn
4. Aspiring
5. Perpetual Dreamer
and that says a lot of nothing. but it is as real as it gets..
July 3, 2012
and this is the time of Full Moons, Completions, and Soul Transformations
so what list of New Five Things I Am? What Story Am I Writing?
https://www.facebook.com/notes/dale-osadchuk/03-july-2012-capricorn-full-moon/444508088917167
----------Post Scripts
Thawenoken Bradd Powless:
Monday, July 2, 2012
the LightBearers See
Monday July 2, 2012
Jonathan Bhagan"You have a natural 'light' in your aura , fools are in darkness
the best aura is closer to white ie. Jesus's aura
when you have a bright aura , even people who are unconcious of the spiritual realm will feel it
hence why people 'hate' you
your light hurts their dark ignorance
Chill out Maven
take a rest , relax and pray.God bless you
ttyl"
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