Contradictions and Lanes of NonAlignment

it appears that a level of practicality, truth shearing, final wisdom have taken over me, unrivaled by any time in life before. and quite frankly, i am asking myself how come no one else around me.

why am i in a family with two girl young teens, almost wilding on the elders: their grandmother, elder aunt, younger aunt, and forget their mother, they run her and their father. i had to put my hand on my favorite niece last thursday. and called my sister to tell her about it. and it happened in front of our mother. Those girls have an exposure to a life and living in this house that they do not see or process in comparison anywhere else. We know that all or little that they know, they learned here with us, not with or by their parents, who are two big town professionals, vacuous in a fake marriage,, too busy pretending they are. and yet, their girls show and prove their truth. one is a dyslexic and in a school that seems more fraud and farce than anything, that child is learning zero tools to transcend those learning challenges.. seems to me just a school of all the same so they all dont feel threatened or less than. and is that not what I am talking about here...? how we surround ourselves with people that somehow aid us to keep to the bottom, flat and mediocre line...

the other one smart and insightful but wow, with a streak of fire, rage and real madness we have always seen. and i personally thought she had grown out of, but no. maya went beserk on thursday, told me and my mom to "piss off", then used frigging to my mom, and when i tried to tell her to hush and control herself, she refused. I box/slapped her , she persisted, i box/slapped her again, and then do you know this wire of a girl tried to start fighting me. if my mother was not there they would have had a hurting child.

we are too good to her for her to wild out on us.but it was a deep situation. I realized it is because of the silent dimensions they put forth and also too, ignore. they, in total, dismiss and undermine me, and then wonder why they have girls who do them the same. they dont respect me, and wonder why they have girls who disrespect them.

i wonder if i am wrong, but you know what i see. children and especially insightful, wise children, shrewd children even, can see the breaks in the foundation, can see falseness and farce, quicker than any words can shield or achieve. their contempt of me, has bred contempt in those girls for all. and i am not saying it is because I am so important to the girls. not it at all. but children scan and xray the truth of dynamics, relationships, and it does not make sense to them the lies they are told. they only respond to what they see. and energy.

these girls have been indulged to an extent that there is no returning, by all the adults. from early on i wanted to be more stringent and strict with them as I am naturally. and they were shielded from me/ so here we are. cussing their grandmother, aunts, fighting those who try to correct them, and then days later, family meetings with two members, and the one who brought the correction, absent. see what i mean. we keep saying and doing things, that are so far off and away from the mark as to make it just stage theatre. it aint real. and then we act surprised when things blow up in their truth.

the dance of contradictions that I am currently struggling with , wondering why i am the only one in the theatre and trying to decide what to do with it all. how to respond. I just remember my cousin yesterday regaling us on how a few times he sent women or chicks on their way. packing up their things, sending them back home. saying peace out. but i know, i am in lanes of nonalignment.


-----

when i wrote this above yesterday, it was a much longer piece, but in attempting to copy it from one platform to another, i lost half of it and left it alone. now a day later, I come with another writing and am met with this..."lanes of nonalignment". it is a perfect segue but the writing might still be disjointed. I will leave it so. for how poignant                                                  -----


June 28, 2016 -- an email to my older sister..

Ok Sister.

This is the downside of being present.

So i wake up at what i believe when i turned on the computer at 4:34 am

It was slight heartburn and then answers started flooding my brain, so i woke up to write

I really do feel in my spirit something is wrong. I have been seeing the signs but did not know what they were. Could not nearly prescribe or assess the wildest things for someone you think you know who used to be a friend and an ex-boyfriend

I think to see a learned academic parent ==not parent. To see his very small children literally running amok about him. To see them not pay him zero mind on camera. To sense that long before you saw anything. That I sensed he had zero authority with them and then see it. Them climbing over him as he does a video chat, Them not paying attention to his instruction. 

Seeing autistic behavior in one child, mindlessly beating a stack of plastic drawers. And another

child up in the laptop screen screaming. Lunatic asylum scenes Much?? I marvel now in hindsight.

The two divorces, by fortyfive? or younger? One ex=wife who wants you destroyed? For you to write that you never loved your wives, that you dont recall what led you to marry the first, the latter was the pregnancy . That you in this modern day did not realize that you doing the right thing just meant to take care of your child, not to be yoked in marriage?

You being involved with a huge project, this preK academy and it be so off the chain haywire? Unfinished by the contractor. Delayed opening. And you writing that you will never undertake a big project without your own project plan, instead of relying on the contractor? who does that? Who in our sphere would do that>

For your two boys to be special needs and apart from some apparently very lame and very non-responsive school you have them enrolled, they are not receiving any treatment.

To see the apartment and its condition over the video chat.

To have it happen one time, the first time with the video chat with the boys and your stream buffering you decide to remove yourself from the video without any thought to the fact of what i am seeing, nothing wrong with my video, you be so mindless to just remove yourself, go to the sofa, and recline and all i am seeing is leg.  and then, even, you in your drawers , for a video chat. squenches face. Who Does that? Who of our ilk does that>

Do you sense at all what I am showing you Jackie?

We see signs but explain them away, give them pass, for who might be involved, by various rationale, and permittance. all the while overlooking the obvious, the wrong, the red flags. the daytona runaways.

I wake up this morning believing cb is mentally ill. He is in the throes of episodes. I have no idea what the diagnosis. I wake up wondering now for the first time, why someone like him took a package? took retirement? So young still ? and is not still at Jackson State? But at two lesser universities it appears? But I never ever before this moment thought to ask, now it is too late. 

 I think there is something there . It makes no sense.

How do you say "your boys are your life" but these are the scenes with them? no structure. No patterns. No schedules/ You all sleep together. If you dont sleep when they go to bed, there will be no sleeping? I even wrote him one time, how come it seems there is no practice of doing things together in your household with the boys, like planning dinners and stuff. I get the sense of hamburgers and hotdogs.

something not right Jackie

I do think C might be mentally ill.

He did tell me he takes three types of drugs of a specific class. I cant be bothered to go back in the history to find it, it is too tedious. But for anxiety/ He said he gets attacks, starting at MSU>  after me. and that he takes zoloft.

The whole scene of him being a sheriff. In mississippi, the academic, the school...I just got a sense between all of that and the ex wives, that he seems to be locked into some scene to prove himself, to disprove the obvious. But all the social markers were there..the huge houses, the bikes, the fancy rides. He even told me that his second wife thought he had money. And all i thought about is why did you pick these kinds of women to be with???!!!! Twice.

Seem to me a person obviously not learning. Not picking up clues. Not mature. the Parent thing just stumped me. He told me back when we were together, I seemed to be looking for "an evolved man" part of my alarm bells is meeting him now and realizing and seeing, he seems to be the exact same, totally unevolved.

I am writing to tell you that.

His response yesterday was off, was out of sync and line with the tone of our engagement,

and outside our or my attempts to not let it descend, when I wrote, lets leave it alone and he writes, no lets not and continues. for him to write and offer what he did all these months and then go to "me living off of him" blows my mind.

Yeah. some real extreme swings there.

i really do feel i broke the code here.

And then I wake up to news that brexit might not happen.

Think there is any mirroring going on there at all?

that those people over there thought they had the power to do such and really did not/

Further to all that I wrote, I was also stumped, completely that a mature sane right thinking person , and an academic, and parent would handle this transfer and life shift that was so huge in both our lives in such a casual, rush into everything manner. that was killing me. And if I did not know C, anybody who do that we would have how many red flags and police calling, not so? ehnt we done learn all of that alreadY??

eh eh. I struck some serious cords with him yesterday. I called him out for the second time in our knowing this rounds. And i dont see how he can , we can rebound from this. he jumped way over the deep end yesterday.

The only way i can see this happening is if he writes legal documentation now. Signing me up for everything. Signing me up as beneficiary , and as guardian, and as caretaker. Fuck outta here with that "Living off of you" bullshit. That bitch thought i was desperate. Never. not ever enough to jump from frying pan to fire.

Alright honey. I have shocked you enough. Back to your fine tuned life. smh

Me

Spiritual Partnerships and Social Enterprises

We should make a product and brand out of our novel partnership.

I thought if it as Social Enterprise of Partnerships or Personal Partnerships as Public Enterprise.

The new experiment for a new world is to see how people can come together in unexpected and novel ways to build empires, survival, and means. A new form of the Celestine Prophecy maybe?

that literally just flashed before me while I slept and made me get up. I went to bed at 4:44, woke up at 7, went back to sleep at 9...12:37pm

We should somehow brand this, write about it, make it public, get publicity for it, speaking engagements, monitoring of our evolution and maybe even finding ways to help other people get together

Amulets

amethyst, orgonite reiki symbol: shoku rei

sitting here. just woke. remembering my dream very clearly. wondering why, if it is because of the subject. and hearing the cabinet in the kitchen close, the one where all the spirits are kept. and i remember one episode and it dawns on me how much people's energy, intention, spirit and will comes out from big to small things. that even if it is hidden, contorted or unknown, one only has to be awake to study it. imagine: my cousins gifted me some bottles of alcohol after a reunion about a year ago I believe, if i am not lying, i brought it home, and these two birds here. the one cant tell the other backwards or different, be it young to old, old to young, sense from nonsense. the older one took the bottles she said first because i did not put them in the cabinet, but i had images long before that when i start to build back up my bar i would put it on the side table stand that I stacked in the corner of the dining room to living room. then beyond her deciding where i can put and leave things, she and them assumed I took, stole or have the alcohol from means other than honest. and this is family eh. we all come from a family gathering. these bitches never occurred to them that there might be leftovers, or dare, anyone would gift me the black sheep anything. but that is what it was, first of all my HR cousin at pricesmart took me with her to purchase for our tent, and asked me to pick up what i wanted, I just picked up vodka and brandy, she picked up honey jd and jb. well as we returned to the venue she asks me , did i want to take the bottles outside, cause it is my call, she bought them for me. so we left them in her car. then her brother, when he was leaving, he gave me a bottle unopened and one half finished of jb. but when i get home ms marjorie here will abscond them. i go for a drink about a week later, cant find it. i blew a gasket.i even had alcohol I kept in my bedroom, as a function of the broken bridges here, and put them out one time, thinking things were on the mend, and those were gone too. then i calmed down and told her to keep them. she said she wanted to talk, i wanted talk nothing. i just let her know. i called vans on the phone and let her talk to her, and let her hear that is vans and neil give me that liquor stash.

but here the point of me writing that this morning. this morning, after six years, I realize, that episode captures everything about these people toward me, no matter what they say, how they pretend , how they declare they pray for me...they never intended for me to have nothing, to get nothing, it is why they will see fit to take some bottles of spirits, it is the same energy for big or small. that is my revelation..whatever the episode or situation, study it good, the intent is there. they never wanted or intended for me to have anything:: not land to build a town house out back to bring revenue into the compound. not space in the house to maintain an office in the library, not space in the house to run an mini-cafe in the side patio, not jobs, connections or opportunities from any of them. and it is seen in the small insignificant taking of gifts to me in the form of spirits.

selah

so now the dream.
my mark. seems i was in the south land somewhere, perhaps in my grandmother's village, but not really, but it was rural, open lots and lands, no walls, no gates. i was in a yard, not sure if it was my own but seems like it was, or a place i frequent, and maybe some kind of rural hangout..and mark came in with his brother and father, and telling them about me, like in whispers, talking about me./ then he eventually was talking or telling me> about the birth of his first child, how the mother got up to two hundred pounds, and the baby was in there so long that their fingers were fused (not possible is it?), and how he named him mark jr. but that makes no sense cause mark a nickname. but then time rolled on in the lime, and in moments he tried talking to me, and he was driving a golf cart around , and he came and went a few times, all in between trying to talk to me, engage me, but hiding it and running away all at the same time.

i know in the dream it was me looking on and noting: so clearly i still have you marked and i reside still in your consciousness to bother to talk about me to your family, but the funny thing is his father appeared to be someone I know and see around at football. and then our constant dance still, even as silent as it currently is, we are still dancing somehow.

i have that dream and realize how much the dreamer projects their desires and dreams onto their own landscape and life movie screen.

i did not even eat late or much yesterday, but the level of detail and memory, the depth of the dream
good afternoon

one idea i had too, overnight: i think this weekend was my last horrah. and then i thought i have a birthday weekend coming up, two parties in one weekend. but i certainly feel i am powering down
and envisioned myself..wondering...how weird the world for me to land elsewhere and want to throw myself on the ground, give thanks and praise, speak the holies to have escaped, mostly intact. giving thanks for the grace and gift.

then i also thought about how and why nothing ever worked out for me here, personally, with men, i would have been marked, traumatized, distorted,, and for nought of nothing worthwhile. I was just here to heal, get grounded, get sense, learn human nature. learn my true self, and be prepared for what is next/ that maybe the real deal and purpose

symbolisms, colors and messages?

i realize the necklaces hanging on my coat rack are in fact, two chaplets, both of black beads with blue finishes so they change colors in light, so lets say that is cobalt blue, then there is an amber necklace so lets call that copper, and then my silver mismatch chain made of several different links, with my amethyst *(royal purple) crystal, holding too a gold mezzuzah, pearls, shell from yara beach, and cowrie. I just got my travelling amulets of protection

Cobalt Blue, Royal Purple and Copper

i had such an amazing four hours of sleep, it is amazing that i call it sleep, i was very aware.

I am going to flourish when I get there.. the greatest light comes from the darkest places...i did not have the tools to be there twenty eight years before, I do now. the tools of alchemy and transformation and transcendence, and the power of creation.

But all the four hours, content.

the color of deep blue, i had it all night long but now the name escapes me, deep purple and copper. as if they were the elemental table for the future. color and material

i feel a lot of afro futuristic, sci fy stuff was there conjuring up

the creating of the next world that i have been musing about for the last few weeks when I was inveigled to write on pan africanism, women, gender; then on justice, activism, resistance and love; then been writing and working with work of an artist whose drawings I describe as very futuristic, even so, african, cause in the double imagery, african masks appear. i am drawn to integrate all of this into one, while charting a new course.

then last night two gem bracelets i have been wearing and in recent weeks endlessly breaking off my arm, i decided to link them, perfect measurement for my ankle, green, black and gold beads...the colors of fari? the colors of ogun? whose number is seven of completion, clearer of paths, opener of roads? is there to wear on my right ankle

I felt i was communing to conjure a new world between aliens, human aliens.and ancients. i feel I was either around or creating a portal. i wished I could have craig young present with me.

the art of the initiate kept coming to me ...as a double entendre. the art i will do as well as the art of living as an initiate/ but that is the theme

i no longer remember the afro futuristic sci fy stuff/content. it was all writing and words, it was only at the end images to paint came to me.

a studio will be a first order of business

///

when i search for cobalt blue, royal purple and copper, one image comes up, of blue egyptian a healing calcium, and then that of egyptian women holding a lotus, and just last week i was told a three petaled lotus sits atop my head in my aura

-=======================

Aquarius Horoscope for week of June 16, 2016

Verticle Oracle card Aquarius (January 20-February 19)

The prison population in the U.S. is over two million, more than twice what it was in 1990. In contrast, Canada keeps about 41,000 people in jail, Italy 52,000, and France 66,000. That's the bad news. The good news, at least for you and your tribe, is that a relatively small percentage of you will be incarcerated during the next 15 months. According to my analysis of the astrological omens, Aquarians all over the world will specialize in liberation. Not only will you be extra ethical; not only will you be skillful at evading traps; you will also be adept at emancipating yourself from your own delusions and limitations. Congratulations in advance! It's time to start singing some new freedom songs.

The Blessings' WombmynAse'

 

 

 

 

does the soul, mind and spirit remember who you were in past lives, and leads you to that, in various ways and capacities, unaware to you, and even when you dont know your own history?

i am thinking that it appears, and might be proven in the future, that i was a woman of powerful ase', which i have been told before, and which, i can tell you, all my life, until 2000 or so, everything and anything i put my hand to turned to gold and was successful.

but as i sit here and watch my physical self on moon, something odd... i am still a wombmyn waiting for her children. but given the so-called journey i have been on and my location, something of a wilderness, i must say, my cycle and moon got real light, from five days to three, and so reduced the volume. but all of a sudden, as i prepare for a shift, where a friend of mine reminded me to begin that mission, my cycle all of a sudden has sprung back up as if someone turned on the faucet a few pressures higher. and i wonder what and how that is. I wonder if my body and womb itelf, like my life, saw my condition and the desert and decided, better we power down to save our energies and abilities, and now that potential shows up like a new galaxy, it rises up again...to meet its flow and level...water rising to its rightful level?

so then i pondered? hm. does my body and spirit self body, energy body know more than i do? has its own mind and mechanism, its own awareness and mission, and aiding on that?

then i wonder, hm,. am i even more powerful than i think..that what i set out and knew and been all along in my life, the natural mother, is it now time, and appointment of and for its manifestation? so it is a case of me speaking something and it is just time that it comes to be seen.

then i think even of my current circumstance, which i have done a few times prior -- am I really in the wilderness as i construct it, am i really in a failure as those closest around me say? or am I really living a declaration i spoke in 2002 or so. I used to ask for a patron.

i think too i am trying to tell you, my thoughts as glancing and casual as they were, seem to carry much weight, and were prayers of sorts, of the most fervent kind with much rocket energy behind them. So too are my seekings, i think. My mental and emotional desires. But is it that my blessings and gifts dont come as I pictured them, and to the highest consternation of those providing them, but nevertheless, we all must , have no choice, our very core of existence is in obedience to the cosmic universe...resentful. but this has been a break, a healing, a retreat, a huge grace, even while i cursed it, questioned and was even confused by it, but that is the whole thing about spirit, spirituality and faith ah/...you have no information or confirmation, but you hold on to the idea of pronoia...all things for your highest good

so to it would seem a dispensation in life i have always wanted seems to be forming and that neither is doing so in the normal fashion. one thing that is consistent is that my life and its contents breaks all normatives. even my godsister , knowing me only two or three years, but we are of a connection that binds through time and generations and a few people well. two fathers both named carl, from the same village and her very close connection to my grandmother ruth...Ruth. Remember Ruth of the bible and her story. I am living that, this rounds...anyway, even carlene told me...nothing happens to me normal, always some spectacular evolution.

and that might be my blessing to those who see me and treat me to the vibration of my being...you get to benefit from my spring..

just like the video i posted the other day about the tree and the little boy, how prescient. i am the tree, giving food, rest, shelter, cover, company, once you tend to me and love the tree. it is just a natural order of things.

"Gala Event"

---------------------------
"Would you be able to donate your time and talent to our upcoming Emancipation Gala event please? We, SOSTT, would love to have you as our guest speaker. You can speak on the things you mentioned higher up in this thread. I feel it is meaningful and poignant and could be inspirational. If you agree I will email further details."

me:
[what is the date?
and time?
and do be specific, I can scroll above and focus on something other than you intend. Give me items and subjects, missions and ideas so I can be clear. or what ever else was not/ is not mentioned above so i can see...will respond when that is clear. Thanks]

"Friday 22nd July 2016 @8pm, Skiffle Bunch Pan Theatre on Coffee St, San Fernando
Above where you mentioned if invited to speak, you would talk about your unrealised dreams, lack of help from family and others etc. Just scroll up"

me:
[about donating time...do your group not pay dues? can you not take up an offering.
you are in south, right?
I have no car, so will need to pay for transport... to get me there and back.
a serious talk at a pan yard? seems out of sync , no?
8pm is also late? what is the program do you have that to share?
see. i am glad i asked. I never would have focused on that. i thought i was talking on business ideas.
in my mindset now, I see no relevance on talking on that, what is the benefit of talking about that subject?? and in a pan yard. lol? seems off to me.
thanks for coming back to me Onika, but we need to work this. I cant show up playing fool. gotta be on point
time changes relevance, and people make shifts, they cant talk about the same things any more. for me to talk about that as a focus takes me back from where i came out. i dont do backwards. forward only]

"OK no problem. It is your own mindset, if you saw the relevance then but not Now, it's fine with me. You could speak on whatever you feel will be of value . The group consists of three ladies myself included and no we don't pay dues. YES a panyard, which is what we could get for free considering our limited resources. Sorry we couldn't get Sapa or Hyatt ballroom for you. I'm a firm believer in making a start and growing from there. Thought an educated woman would unrealised dreams of her own would appreciate. Yip a panyard for a serious talk doesn't seem incongruous to me. Christ taught by a seaside. Anyway considering your transport challenge I will understand..."

me:
[well... your snide comment says it all.
thank you]

"Just responding in kind. Thanks "
=-========================

you all be the judge.
there are a few folks I would tag on here, but i wont. will leave it open.
tell me where I was snide. or if i was just talking to an idiot toting serious issues, unresolved. and knowing nothing beyond how to try to get without offering anything, as well as doing shit, shitty

mind you, please take note of my offering to find an appropriate topic for the audience and the space, but i guess that is too high tech.

but for me, i love when people get rope. and then to observe what they do with that rope, something positive and building, learning, constructive, expanding, or if to hang themselves.

sapa and hyatt the ___ say you know
meanwhile, a few of you on here will know that you asked and had me speak at just those places, and all times for free.

But you see when folk start with the donate...do they go to market and ask for donations? but what gets me is when such requests come without context, conversations, or even a fraudulent attempt to indicate to you, I know you will have to put out for this but lets see what we can do.
it is often not what you do you know, but how. and well...
when you show your ugly easily, and effortlessly, i know it was all an instruction.

it have flowers growing by the labasse?
"an educated woman like me"

i have already said too much; but all yuh,you tell me..


 ===============part two

non-alignment and incongruency

look those words up

energy and vibration

either matches itself or oppose

sense, protocol, and consciousness

either of similar exposures or from diametrically opposed sides

i would never imagine to have and hold, far less spew that level of attempted disrespect to someone I was asking of their time, energy and experience

i hear people talk of hognorant...

this is the second time in a few days a female, who does not know me, try to challenge me to do what my life has been about. one screw loose tried to tell me to go learn trinidad history, then now telling me of an educated woman like me would...

i leave it open cause it is a lot/not one thing but many.

when you bringing content, comportment, and propriety, those foreign to it might very well be undone, outdone. . story of my life.

i wonder if i can still show up and talk about THAT?!!!!

=--------------------part three

something about this strikes me about my recent interaction with the ungraceful...i am presuming I was supposed to be in awe to have been asked to speak. I should have been like most folk in trinidad, elated to have a mic and a podium in front of me?? my ego spinning and gravitating?

hm

not i, this jah, douen. wont even call you sistren at this point.

i not impressed. that dont get me/

"unrequited awe"?

maybe

insecurity is a hell of a thing too eh..

if you feel ahow about where you are at and how you operating, you will find and take insult when none is intentioned.

also teaches you how people see their landscape

girl thinks something is wrong with a pan yard, me who played pan with renegades, who lime on the streets and anywhere. think there are places where "better people" are found/ no honey. not so. content is inside, not in presentations, impropriety or empty accolades, wrong topics, mismatched programming, etc. etc.

[Leah Marville on Twitter: "unrequited awe"]

-------------------------------------- 

by her own accord:

"Pet peeves = When people could give but can't take and folks with no sense of humor who get unduly pressed about miniscule shit! NOT TODAAAYY!! *yankee spranger voice*"

so i guess i took her and her miniscule shit and outfit, way too serious. got it.
so obvious. so clear.

The Sick Mother, Twisted Feminine

 

 

 

this is why and how you see me documenting so much hatred and attempted trauma from these two biddies here/ broken twisted females who never ever considered shit might not be right. and it is not just them. the oldest female cousin is the pinnacle of the three, having had her own sexual abuse, and seeming to internalize the most subjugation from various quarters, being dark too

"It may feel dangerous for a woman to actualize her full potential because it may mean risking some form of rejection by her mother."

that.

and i have heard it in various ways:

"you real like yourself"

"you are too confident"

"you are selfish" but what that really meant is that i have not engaged self erasure as a means to survive in the pod, the culture, society, plantation patriarchy...

"This is because the daughter may unconsciously sense that her full empowerment may trigger the mother’s sadness or rage at having had to give up parts of herself in her own life. Her compassion for her mother, a desire to please her, and a fear of conflict may cause her to convince herself that it’s safer to shrink and remain small."

what is deep for me is that none of these women are my mother, who is deceased, and with whom i had almost no relationship with it seems like, i remember. she too was in full self erasure in her attempt to live and maintain with my father, also a sick broken black man from the colonial plantation...these are aunts and cousins, of a previous generation and years older

i never pondered their reaction to my options for beingness. I just came. i just be. but oh their rage. is palpable. and that resentment is what I located and identified as soon as I got here. they did not send me with a desire to please. not anyone, and hence my hatred from almost everybody. I never ever once thought it was safer to shrink. i am very clear on misgynoir

wow. this thing is so real. so accurate:

"She may fear her mother feeling threatened by her dreams or ambitions."

and i have. threatened them all with my wildness, my ideas, my freedom

blow mind

"The truth is that no child can save her mother.

No sacrifice a daughter makes will ever be enough to compensate for the high price her mother may have had to pay or for the losses she has accrued over the years, simply by being a woman and mother in this culture. And yet, this is what many women do for their mothers very early on in childhood: they unconsciously make a decision to not abandon or betray their mothers by becoming “too successful,” “too smart” or “too adventurous.” This decision is made out of love, loyalty and a true need for approval and emotional support from the mother."

"too successful" "too smart" "too adventurous" Insert my name and every initial of my name in between there

"Many of us confuse being loyal to our mothers with being loyal to their wounds, and thus, complicit in our own oppression."

most and more than rejection...it is inferiority complexes, it is insecurity. resentment...and woah onto you when people feel that in your presence. Hatred.

"it can truly feel like a rejection when your child surpasses or exceeds the dreams you thought possible for yourself."

"There may be a sense of feeling owed, entitled to or needing to be validated by your children, which can be a very subtle but powerful manipulation."

that entitlement is the language used here. from the one who considers herself major. it has been phenomenal for me to watch for as much confidence as I have, entitlement is not one of any of my quarters. my life taught me that. that even despite all the work and sacrifice my life has been. success is not foregone and entitled, at least not configured. yet, these biddies, with so far less, and not done, feel the greatest entitlement. but i am learning that is the equation. cause it is compensation you see. delusional compensation. when you are more full, you have less (issues?fuckedupness?)

the sad thing: I see the early dynamic with my nieces

"This dynamic can cause the next generation of daughters to keep themselves small so that their mothers can continue to feel validated and affirmed in their identity as a mother, an identity that many have sacrificed so much for, but received so little support and recognition for in return,"

my elder and favorite niece, she has told me at age six, how her mother was a pushover and in short, substandard. she was very clear on this. without anyone ever saying a thing negative. she asked her grandmother how it is she allowed her daughter to marry daddy wayne. that was the language. just insert quotes. I was floored when my mother repeated that to me. so because the girls recognize their mothers' weakness, they then go about trying to pacify, help hide, lie, against it. deep manipulation>and what is so sad, to see how children's characters are formed, turned, spoiled and corrupted cause of this bullshit. If i can tell you how deep that has hurt me. and had to be silent about. it is amazing.

"sacrificing the self in an effort to somehow ease the mother's pain"

and that is what i see my nieces do

funny for me. I was ten years old when the only time and way I tried to ease my mother's pain was to tell her to leave my father, and I will come with her. she ignored me and I was done. i remember that incident as if it was yesterday. our closet hallway upstairs, we were standing.

"Of course, most mothers want what is best for their daughters. However, if a mother has not dealt with her own pain or come to terms with the sacrifices she has had to make, than her support for her daughter may be laced with traces of messages that subtly instill shame, guilt or obligation"

but tell me and show me one woman who has processed through this? who has dealt with their pain???

i love this article. it is artfully almost completely addressed in corners and underbeds

" They can seep out in the most benign situations, usually in some form of criticism or some form of bringing praise back to the mother. It’s not usually the content of the statement, but rather the energy with which it is conveyed that can carry hidden resentment."

"fully grieve and mourn her own losses."

from what i see in my family, pain and losses are just buried under a lot of superficial stuff: houses, clothing, education, accomplished and futilely attempted in competition, but just under the surface. and my life has made it easier for them, so they believe to beat up on me. my costs and price for being a god damn independent person in a world of subjugation, so it is easy for them they believe. they have proof, but all that has happened is that my blessings just keep growing, mushrooming

where strength and integrity are absolutely absent:

" The issue at the core of women’s empowerment is the mother wound

In our patriarchal, male-dominated culture women are conditioned to think of themselves as “less-than” and not deserving or worthy. This feeling of “less-than” has been internalized and passed down through countless generations of women.

The cultural atmosphere of female oppression puts daughters in a “double bind.”

Simply put, if a daughter internalizes her mother’s unconscious beliefs (which is some subtle form of “I’m not good enough”) then she has her mother’s approval but has in some way betrayed herself and her potential.

However, if she doesn’t internalize her mother’s unconscious beliefs in her own limitations but rather affirms her own power and potential, she is aware that her mother may unconsciously see this as a personal rejection.

It may feel dangerous for a woman to actualize her full potential because it may mean risking some form of rejection by her mother.

The daughter doesn’t want to risk losing her mother’s love and approval, so internalizing these limiting, unconscious beliefs is a form of loyalty and emotional survival for the daughter.

This is because the daughter may unconsciously sense that her full empowerment may trigger the mother’s sadness or rage at having had to give up parts of herself in her own life. Her compassion for her mother, a desire to please her, and a fear of conflict may cause her to convince herself that it’s safer to shrink and remain small.

Of course, most mothers want what is best for their daughters. However, if a mother has not dealt with her own pain or come to terms with the sacrifices she has had to make, than her support for her daughter may be laced with traces of messages that subtly instill shame, guilt or obligation. They can seep out in the most benign situations, usually in some form of criticism or some form of bringing praise back to the mother. It’s not usually the content of the statement, but rather the energy with which it is conveyed that can carry hidden resentment.

Mothers must mourn what they had to give up, what they wanted but will never have, what their children can never give them and the injustice of their situation. However, as unjust and unfair as it is, it is not the responsibility of the daughter to make amends for the mother’s losses or to feel obligated to sacrifice herself in the same ways. For mothers, It takes tremendous strength and integrity to do this.

what strength and integrity??

this article sums everything up here

"For daughters growing up in a patriarchal culture, there is a sense of having to choose between being empowered and being loved."

that is it. that is my life. that is what I have learned.

and beyond that it is not just an either or imbalance. you will get punished and persecuted for being empowered, the more so , the greater the ugly, but for any modicum, the backlash , cost and price is high. it is what i referred to above when I said they had ammunition...for my experience in the wider world. under white supremacy, in the colonial plantation great house

wow. from early on. as a child. i chose not to be fake loved. not to go chasing waterfalls and mirages. i have the string of estrangements to prove it

There aint nothing vague about it

"there is a vague but powerful sense that your empowerment will injure your relationships."

again..."

As a woman, there is a vague but powerful sense that your empowerment will injure your relationships. And women are taught to value relationships over everything else. We cling to the crumbs of our relationships, while our souls may be deeply longing for the fulfillment of our potential. But the truth is that our relationships alone can never adequately substitute for the hunger to live our lives fully."

"And it’s true that there are mothers who are simply un-loving most of the time, whether because of ... other struggles."

and there is the rub. rube and rubix. we are unwilling to admit that these biddies are fucked the hell up twisted and unloving beasts...instead we couch, accept, pacify and accept it. I never did.

"We all have patriarchy in us to some degree. We’ve had to ingest it to survive in this culture. When we’re ready to confront it fully in ourselves, we also confront it in others, including our mothers. This can be one of the most heart-wrenching of all situations we must face. But unless we are willing to go there, to address the mother wound, we are paying a very high price for the illusion of peace and empowerment."

but dont fool your fart, the price for confronting it is VERY VERY HIGH

"What’s the relationship between the mother wound and the divine feminine?

There’s a lot of talk these days about ’embodying the divine feminine’ and being an ‘awakened woman.’ But the reality is that we cannot be a strong container of the power of the divine feminine if we have not yet addressed the places within us where we have felt banished and in exile from the Feminine."

wow

"What’s the relationship between the mother wound and the divine feminine?

There’s a lot of talk these days about ’embodying the divine feminine’ and being an ‘awakened woman.’ But the reality is that we cannot be a strong container of the power of the divine feminine if we have not yet addressed the places within us where we have felt banished and in exile from the Feminine.

Let’s face it: Our first enounter with the Goddess was with our mothers. Until we have the courage to break the taboo and face the pain we have experienced in relation to our mothers, the divine feminine is another form of a fairy tale, a fantasy of rescue by a mother who is not coming. This keeps us in spiritual immaturity. We have to separate the human mother from the archetype in order to be true carriers of this energy. We have to de-construct the faulty structures within us before we can truly build new structures to hold it. Until we do this we remain stuck in a kind of limbo where our empowerment is short-lived and the only explanation for our predicament that seems to make sense is to blame ourselves."

second huge aspect of this article:

"If we avoid acknowledging the full impact of our mother’s pain on our lives, we still remain to some degree, children."

that and this is why there are so few adults, and just grown old children populating the globe

"stay small to relieve my own pain"

i realize this is just general and generic psychological psychoses. this is the crab in the barrel , black african people trauma from slavery, plantation and colonialism

all humans. this mother wound relates to males as well.

"For every human being, the very first wound of the heart was at the site of the mother, the feminine. And through the process of healing that wound, our hearts graduate from a compromised state of defensiveness and fear to a whole new level of love and power, which connects us to the divine heart of Life itself"

 

http://www.filmsforaction.org/articles/why-its-crucial-for-women-to-heal-the-mother-wound/ 

 

 

quotes by : Bethany Webster