January 1, 2013 - 365 Book Write a Good One - Day One

January 1, 2013 2:56am

 



This book began a few days ago. On Saturday. When I asked Kevin Pierre to hang out. In the middle of the day.

Actually, the story neither started there. It started a few weeks ago. Perhaps, a month? Maybe more? We were driving on the saddle road through Boissiere, vying for space on the road, two lanes merging into one. I in the lane, He trying to enter. He in his Toyota pick up. I in my CRV. And neither of us giving in. But his back tire bumped mine or my bumper. He felt nothing or acted as if he didnt. I insisted he stopped. Pulled in front of him askance like police. Who is me? This bold five feet two petite. SMH. He agreed to stop. We end up looking for damage. There was none. He never cussed me, though as bold as I acted, I noted he could have. I ended up selling him one of my posters. For $300/ We exchanged numbers and contacts. He eventually called me. To my surprise. Our conversations have been nothing but brief and cursory But Saturday I asked to hang out And through much convulsions and many convolutions, we met. At the Morne Coco Road Maraval. He took me to Paragon Mountain. Driving through terrain that was anything but a road. A clear path to see but not drive. My innards got reshifted i am sure.

We drove around to different spots. A variety of homes on the mountain: Peter Doig's compound holding about four homes. Overlooking the cliff of a building site that he is constructing. Then down to an empty house that I would  occupy. And through more terrain, down the hill driving to the beach, which we bypassed and went onto another building site, where we sat, I ate the soup he made and brought for me. I drank straight whisky, he drank white rhum and we smoked herb. Three rollons.  Never again. From now on i believe we /I will smoke joints. No cigarette nibs.

And then we lingered well past his time to return. Till eight pm. And I had to drive to Indian Walk by myself. But it was as if we did not want to leave each other's company/ Such bullshit. Cute but not. For mature old and married people. He not me..

So it will be interesting to see what this story is. What the 2013 book I am writing is about. And so apt that I begin this writing a year. Writing in a year. Is this telling about him. he, I. or something else of the year entirely? what will get lost, what will come into focus

the backdrop?
my unemployment that continues..
but making US$1225 this month
struggle to find my footing, get a life, acquire my own home, land and holding

Pierre's promise to "introduce me to the right people" to get employed
How will I navigate this dynamic of a friendship with a married man With whom I clearly have some kind of energy. From moment one when we met in apparent conflict. He said on Saturday that he felt "God sent me". I await to see if that is just bullshit, illusion or projection..

But so the story begins. Ostensibly
What is interesting ? This man is a builder. a construction worker. Who Which God Send for Whom? for What? purpose? See what I am saying?

Let the future begin to reveal itself

That High Priestess Nina Simone: Blackness Embodied

i watch this...and first i see her mouth, and her eyes, and her teeth and the way she talks and wonders if that movie being made honors and upholds her enough to emulate that...

then i see and hear her words and i begin to listen...and imbibe who this High Priestess really was...

and then i hear, "this compels me to compel them" and that mulls and turns in my mind a few times then i wake up from the revelry internal that just was and become aware of my chills. and when i become aware of the chills, then tears fill...and then i start to write and share to tell you about this wombmyn that passed before us that is now being denigrated in a film by the choice, easy approaches and wrong actress chosen to indicate, reflect and compel that BLACKNESS this wombmyn was about???!!!

deep
makes me wonder what i can do to take up the mantle.
made me wonder between the chills and the tears my own work to compel but not just about a Blackness but of a Wholeness, an Integration and Cosmic Connectedness that once accomplished..makes all else aspects of authenticity, fulfilled.

wow. talk about someone who was worthy of worship and honor...smh
too much

Deleted pieces from [Michelle Obama: Black Woman at the Frontlines of the Attack on Black Womanhood]

" i agree with you on the point that i should not have intruded on your woman based model campaign, hence i subtract my comment."

"Yes, it was your Black Woman statement and i concur that all persons should listen more closely to these experiences and perspectives given the hierarchy of demonization. I should also add that it is not just what people say that is important but also what is the position of privilege that the sayer occupies in the race/gender/etc matrix. It is in consideration of all of that, that i subtracted my previous comment."

The Furies we Bring, Call and Wring

Maven Huggins:

"I just removed my comments from your thread in the voodoo place
I am almost sick and appalled. How did you get from wanting to clean your house to welcome your girlfriend to putting a spell on her to make her obsessive. I l

iterally am sick. just trying to keep it down.

I have tears in my eyes.

Donovan, only a sick soul would offer that in that thread.
How does goodness become evil? so simply?
I beg you please do nothing to your girlfriend
If you are good to her she will be good to you.
A lot of people think they know what they are doing but they dont. and what you or someone else does may bring furies you cannot contend, may fall back on you or worse yet, do you really want to fret and mess with your unborn child's energies, and markings, and programs, stunting or poisoning her for life?

I dont think so. I know you dont want that. Please end that conversation, best yet delete it. I cant say more now. but I beg you please. I beg you.

this was not who i thought you were when i wrote on the thread."


Today
01:26
Donovan K. Meeks:

"I'm really nott thadd person I'm been doing all you applied too for me I really like your suggestion,,, you are very wise,,, I need more people like u in my life!!!

I keep reading this message you send in my mail box and its very powerful I am very sorry too disappoint u,,,

I need your guidance plz don't stop helping me I'm crying for your wisdom and guidance. Add me a friend plz!!! Keep me focus on the rite track my spiritual mother!!! I am very sorry too think such a thing!!!"

Today
04:37
Maven Huggins

"I was deeply hurt and afraid for your girlfriend.
did you delete the thread?

If not then you are not serious about being here with me"

-----------

I have no children
but i share this for my new eyes and revelation. I am shocked to see how common this attempt and practice to joujou someone;s life, alter their paths, seek interference above and beyond someone's will. Across waters too. Deep it is locked in the US. dont talk about here in Trinidad. I guess i was in my own little chamber. Many wonder, even I, how i am so at cross purpose with this life and living, the norms are strange to me...i really was in my own UNI-verse. It is a whole new world I now find myself, with no end to new revelations.

and seeing the effects mingling, and intermingling all around me.

i keep going back to spiritual psycho wetiko. and how irreparably sick we are in this sociopsychopathic global world

i pray 'a' psalms, lamentations, proverbs, revelations and isaiahs.

Sometimes They Send Them, I Think

• Pamela Cobham

  • MAVEN I am tottally blown away! How much do these photos cost?Give me range, and where do u live ?n T an T?
• 
  

  • Maven I found u through Keith maynards post about your roots. I looked at all your pix and comments and I am TRULY BLOWN AWAY!!!!!! See I put some on my wall? Then I just discovered the piece of sculpture that u said is you>>> OMG! how could u be so generous to even think of lending it. Do u really mean lending someone or do u mean he could post it?ove yor eplanation of not chamging hom to her , and the SLEEPING GIANT , then your comment. Between your artistry and your mystical connections, I am feeling the vibrations deep inside of my being. I feel like I have to rediscover my island. I have been to many parts of it but not Tortuga. Also Moruga, just once. I just read Michael Anthonys book about the African Americans who were brought to Moruga. I wonder if I can se the repeat on Sunday, like Keith suggested. OMG u see wher I now live??Beautiful autumn but it carries its own alienation....thank God for FB. I return to the Caribbean again and again but one has to lrve POS to touch what u have all around u! Peace and Blessings. Thank u keith!
    
• 

  
  

  Maven Huggins

  • Hi Pamela?
    I am blown away by your mail. It is lovely. It inspires. And on a particular moment when i am ebbing. So bless you...how they sent you..
    Where are you?

A Prayer for Soul Deep Total Healing Yielding to Yeshua Revelations

*Photo: Original Painting: Eddie Bowen's "Two Women" for his October 2012 Exhibit at Medulla, Trinidad*

 ~~~~~~~

I am not even sure of the pieces, because once they start piling up, i lose clarity. and what first appeared to be an instance then collapses and reveals to be some sort of miracle revelation or instruction, deep wisdom or vision.


but in the last few hours when i prayed, and prayed asking for help and healing and hand, and for Yeshua and Yahweh.Jahweh to Help me and Release Me, and Free Me, and Remove all the obstacles, blockages and heaviness from me so that I could be nothing but Humility< Humble, Peace, Silence, Unmoving Love; that the defense, and protection and fight and response be totally removed as if to have had a character overhaul or a lobotomy, for me to stop thinking and move life from my brain to my heart...I was praying for that, pondering that, wondering how i might give my own self Reiki, how I can lay my own hands but believing it was not as powerful as the Reiki Master I know, Craig Young from Michigan...and wondering how.. how how...it came to me...That if Yeshua touched people and released them, enlightened them and removed weight from them, and healed them, then does that not mean that Craig Young too is a Yeshua? I asked myself that. And then that thought blossomed into a vision and a plan. and connected to a statement a fbriend and past life coach wrote on my page last night/yesterday:
-----------

Maven Huggins:

[my job]

what is my job?
what do i need to make my job?
to survive and thrive?

so if i decide to take the job of model, will life be easier?
if my job is to be liked? to make money?
as opposed to having my current and old job to have character and integrity? morals and ethics? wow.

Do you see this?
What is your Job?
woo sah!

• Marcia Smith Cpc: "To work with others to help them discover their own happiness and health."

  
  
• Maven Huggins: that sounds wonderful Marcia...

-------------

So for about an hour or more, I considered how can that happen? is this how this will happen? I bring Craig to Trinidad? I tried once before. Only because me going to him does not work as well. And so much can be wrought, brought and blessed and increased by him coming to Trinidad. So i envisioned how it can happen:

Do i do a media blitz telling my own story of need and decreptitude and the need to be released from the old weights so I can move on in life to make a life And is it that I can videotape or have people gathered to see Craig do his work on me, in public, in a green lush setting? and I think of the hotel in Lopinot that i have never seen as a good venue and also as the best place to let Craig stay while he is here. And I thought I can charge people $1000TT to attend the viewing and a consultation with me. Then now I am thinking another $1000TT to have a session with him. Let them all deposit the money to the bank with a copy of their ID on each receipt and that is their payment and entry. And everything be done in silent. and all people must be in white/ bringing white candles when they come. I am expanding the idea as I write. But that was not the point> I started writing because I woke up to see if Craig Young is on the net.

Now you need to understand, when i knew and visited Craig Young for healing when I lived in Michigan, he was a simple man, a white man, with red hair and beard. Craig eschews all media, technology and the like. Craig, when he works on you, speaks an unknown language, Craig is intergalactic, he is not from earth. When he works on you, he sees and speaks and confers with your guides to help you. Do you realize how much Yeshua he is?? So he is hard to reach

So not finding him on Facebook I then searched the net [Reiki Master Craig Young] . I find nothing. But what do I find on the second page of the search? This:

----------------

Jesus was a Reiki Master - Worldnews.com

article.wn.com/view/2012/08/17/Jesus_was_a_Reiki_Master/

17 Aug 2012 – Reiki, the use of the Universal Life Force Energy, taps into the infinite ... topics reikiuniversal life force energyjesusGod Advertisement Jesus was a Reiki Master. ... Conversion of Paul · Craig Blomberg · Crown of Thorns · Crucifixion ..... a baby with down's syndrome, a young man's tumor, and a Samoan with ...

----------
Do you see the universe and guides working??!!
It by chance, synchronicity, providence, brought me back to the core and kernel of my muse and prayer, and insight this morning and giving me proof from the other side, and backward...not from a search of is Craig Young a Yeshua, but if Yeshua was a Reiki Master, doing, etc...

http://article.wn.com/view/2012/08/17/Jesus_was_a_Reiki_Master/

http://www.examiner.com/article/jesus-was-a-reiki-master

then if Craig Young does the same thing to the same effect, then my question is a fact and revelation. Then what am I to do with this confirmation? and seeming universe directional?

But the peculiarity of this still is that i was invited to attend church this morning. I did not go because first I am not too excited about church as a structure, entity or religion, But also because the service was at 7am, and no where have i ever heard of a church service that early that seemed like an assault, a torture, a punishment to souls looking for rest and reprieve in a country where everyone is already sleep and rest deprived, who wake up at godly or ungodly hours to work and school and even on a sunday they cant lay in and get to church on a more measurable time to allow..what? just this sort of personal prayer, revelation and movement? Had I gone to church I would not have gotten this gift.

So I had to write  this experience of that alone. As I sit and prayer and think more of how I can make this work into manifestation

And it is funny how obstacles and walls are endlessly being thrown in my path: my aunt coming to live in a house that altered and saw the loss of many resources to expand, and flower some of these unusual thoughts, as basic as losing a land line that allowed me to make international calls--so an easy connection to Craig Young is lost. But it is also the blessing, for it is the last in a long line of trauma that has taken me to new lows and despair that brings me to this possible doorway of salvation...

And this place is so much of assault, while i wrote the last three paragraphs it was to the loudspeaker noise of the church on the corner, a woman's voice repeating Jesus nonstop. that and only that, and i hear it as nothing but stupefying repetition, a lack of thought, a lack of inspiration, a lack of the spirit, so just hypnotize the hungry bereft gathering with the same word as empty as a tin can...it literally is giving me a headache...but repetition of the most holy name in an offensive manner to the environment is not spirituality, in my book, it is just noise.. and we suffer for noise. we dont need more noise. It is why if I do this experience, it will be in silence, we need to know what is silence. We need to know what is not doing and unresponse. Some idea of nonresponse is coming toward me. Not here yet.

But i wonder how i can make this happen. As I did so< i asked myself who is like me? who are the people who need this healing and help from Craig and myself most and I think of women, stressed out women. Broken and depressed women who are still walking their path. As proof I think of my cousin's very public testimony yesterday that surprised me:

-------

Vanessa Bailey wrote a recommendation for Judy Jacobs.

"Hi - This may sound weird - but I am moved to write you. I live in the West Indies Trinidad and I recently went through a rough period. Am a widow with two girls a teen and toddler and a mom who is depressed. I am not sure where your book came from "Take it By Force" but I read it and it was such a BLESSING.

It has changed my out look and perspective. Lots going on but to GOD BE THE GLORY FOR THE GREAT THINGS HE HAS DONE.

Stay the course - Much Love
Vee"
Judy Jacobs
Religious organisation · Cleveland, Tennessee
--------------

Now here again I have to wonder what time and season and calling is this? For Vanessa appeared to delete this wondrously authentic post for I could not find it on her stream. But because I had copied it to a mail to her heralding and acknowledging the post, her journey, my surprise at her boldness of her truth...and my offer to talk to and with her about her depression...I had it. But I just shared with her this about deleting it:

"Morning. Good Morning Vans,

I am here working on something powerful right now.
Something that would not have happened had I gone to church
I was looking for your wonderful soul testimony that you posted on Friday but I cant find it...and I am really hoping you did not delete it. And my soul gets real disappointed if you did, cause it makes me feel you are not yet real and authentic about yourself, your journey and your experience and the power of it to transform, transform yourself and others who are strengthened by it.

That would be so sad.
and especially when I was making it a platform to herald, in this written piece and vision, and revelation...ah..

so it is.. what ever it is. Let me know. if it exists somewhere so i can include it. I also wanted to send this piece to a few people: you , Marcia, and a female pastor friend I had in Michigan...

as people who were central in the making of it. See how we never know the power of what we do on the face of the earth, and what blessings we deny by removing it.. selah!!

I will see how i am led

love you"
--------------

I do believe in the unending power of personal testimony. I wrote a poem years ago Y(Our) Story...telling folk that when you write your testimony, you write mine, and give me voice for what I may not have the words, blood, belly and balls (womb) for...So we should never hesitate when it moves us to tell, talk, share.


[long pause]

i was waiting for more insight to come to me. more direction. i am bereft. I search Rev Smith. i have not seen or talked to her in years, over ten? She used to be cast as a feminist pastor like the beloved and deceased Rev Linda H. Hollies, I so wish i could have her instead. but she is gone,. She wrote some powerful books that all women in Yeshua should read..

http://www.amazon.com/Linda-H.-Hollies/e/B001JS5FAM/ref=sr_tc_2_0?qid=1350825899&sr=1-2-ent

But one thing that occurred to me this morning at the time of initial planning and revelation is that I did not want to have anyone involved without clean hands. In relation to reaching out to people in Trinidad..and thought of getting a PR firm to run the marketing. I thought did i really want to do that. As crazy as it sounds, I want to keep this spiritually clean, pure and sound>

Unbelievable.
I have no idea why and how the universe gives me these insights and visions and does not give me the means and directions to implement, and complete. Sigh. Send Help

I plan to call the gathering The Monastery

~~~~

"There can be no happiness if the things we believe in are different from the things we do." -Freya Stark

Planning Projecting Perceiving Producing Pregnant

 

 

i am planning for the impossible.
i'm possible

• Neal Klein: "A poet-philosopher who is a committed to sensual overload and probably a sexual omnivore who is somehow above trappings. A student of politics who would love to see all political systems humbled on their own altars. A wordsmith who is often at a loss for the right ones to describe the indescribable always in view. A mix of God and Goddess in an indefinable shell that needs no gender label.
  
  You're impossibly possible. But quite possibly, you're impossible. And I would probably commit crimes to have your counsel face to face and share tea with you, who sees across oceans."
• Maven Huggins {{{{<3 span="span" thank="thank" you="you">Neal Klein!!

The Three Gifts and Providence; The Week of October 8 - 12, 2012

John, Good Morning

I have something i want to share with you, to hear your spiritual response and perspective
I think context is important. Context is: I was not looking, planning or wanting to do this.
It seemed like it was planned and ordained, orchestrated through a variety of steps and
persons to arrive me on this woman's doorstep/ A Tarot card Hindu Reader.

She begins and from the cards that fall out she tells me "my life is under a very strong
powerful curse; She asked me if I had an affair with a married man. The wife buried my
picture in a cometary and that is why my life is in total chaos. I cant get work, I cant move
I cant get anything; Money does not stay in my hands, All my relationships are rot.
Anyone who likes me will soon become disenchanted.There are blockages everywhere

She said it was extreme. And she did not have the ability to help, But referred me to
someone in NY if you can believe.

But I have been pondering it ever since. I have been wracking my brain for who it could be.
I told her all I knew and it was not them, but off the bat she said, you may not have known,
"you know they can mask themselves" so as if the man was married but I never knew.

Apart from wracking my brain as to who could do this, because it is a peculiar story as I was
 in the states qt the time and who knew people did such things over there, and eve she admits
 that it is hard to do over there, but then i think that sounds like something for over here
so that is one peculiarity. where it occurred.

But apart from that I had recognized my life had become a mess since the 2000, but when
i look at it, it might even be before. She also told me that my uterine problems with fibroids
\are connected to this  curse but that has been detected and happening since 1991.
My first surgery at 1994 and returning 9mos later. So i mark after 1991, 1993, when my
last significant relationship lasted. But for the life of me, I cannot figure out who this was

What do you think> I write you because part of me believes it is true. and i felt lighter
when i got the news, like confirmation that this is not about me. this is not my doing or for
 lack of trying.. But another part of me, for meeting people like you regarding the spiritual
aspect makes me rethink or wonder if such a curse could exist.

I am kind of confused.
some part of me thinks the reading might be wrong in its attribution..that it may not be me
I have had two affairs with married men in my life, one at 28, the other at 35. and generally
I frown upon it.

I loaned a woman 10K for her business in April. She was to pay me back each month for
five months. It is now October, we had a contract. She has never paid me a cent. The reader
told me i would not get my money back and if i do anything, like post her name and photo in
 the paper, she could do me something. She told me not to make enemies of anyone for
in this day, everyone knows someone who can do something. So i might get hurt
Could you imagine?

I feel better but flummoxed all at the same time

Tell me what you think, Spiritually for what you know and understand/
And understand and know one thing. NOTHING In my life has worked for a long time
My life has been stagnant since 2000, but I can see before then, signs of something,
since 1991/1993

It has been unbelievable if i werent living it and processing and dealing with it in aplomb
i think

Another thing, watching a half a program of talking books on bbc, with author Richard
Long I think, I heard him say something: the luxury of all conditions to write and be a novelist
I think with all this nothingness, I might try to do that.I just wish i had the accoutrements like
proper office set up. But even as i write that, the excellent conditions have been destroyed
by an aunt who she and i dont mix blood again. and that is classic of what the reader
described; i have and am ensconced in a negative bubble that makes all turn from me
so even as i write, I am hearing her noise of carnival music on the radio. me and my mom
are quiet types

Alright i gone..



 Thank you for sharing this. Allah truly knows best. Allah is truth and what follows below may not be accurate. Any errors are mine for sure!

So let me give you what I have been able to glean, and I make no claim to be anything but someone who loves you and cares deeply about your happiness and who has seen your superlative success all around you, like budding seeds hidden in rich soil, waiting to push through into the light.

 What I see you need to do is reset your Centre through going inward.

Let's discuss the components of this process, one by one.

First of all, what's past is past. Part of my being where I am today (which is mostly confused, lonely and miserable) is
facing up to shit I have done in the past of which I am truly ashamed. Bad stuff. When I was younger I was not a very nice person. I was very analytical, too cerebral. I was trained in philosophy and logic. I was insensitive to the emotional impact of my actions on people who loved me - especially my daughters.

So my advice to you would be to let go whatever happened in your past. You were a different soul, at a different level of spiritual evolution. For things that happened in your past, I recommend that you try to find the two affected women, you contact them and you make a genuine apology - GENUINE. No subtext - "Did you work obeah on me?". Just try to find them and make contact, an email, a phone call, a sincere conversation. Wish them well.
 I have sought people that I hurt in the past and they all told me they held no ill feelings and had moved on with their lives.

Second message: The most important person in this story is You. You are Allah, God. We dynamically create our reality, good or bad. Obeah cannot affect you unless you  choose to let it. My advice is that you need to emphasise your great empathic  and spiritual gifts and switch off the PhD analytic side. In the US you may have had to constantly defend your place in the world, always defend and argue your point of view. At this stage in your journey, this mental attitude is not conducive to spiritual growth and is not helping you.

I have one of my interminable stories. A couple came to see Imam Ali (may Allah's Peace and Blessings be upon him). They said "We are told to give charity but we are the poorest of the poor.
How can we give what we don't have?" Imam Ali told them that they completely underestimated what they had to give. He said "whenever you meet anyone you can gift them with your smile".

So this is your first assignment - to switch off the "now how can I defend myself against this new person who's trying to screw me over" attitude and offer a warm genuine smile.

Your second assignment - is to give something without fail to the next ten people you meet and tell me how your experience was.
I went to the Unipet in Mucurapo one Sunday afternoon looking for papers. This man asked me to get something for him to eat. So I gave him a box of KFC. I told him i was disappointed that the papers were sold out. He told me "Try Crichlow's Pharmacy in St. James." He gave me something back, not that I was looking for anything but it warmed my heart that this street dweller had reached a higher maqam, a higher station than I had attained earlier in my life.

 The third thing is a prayer of healing/ protection given to me by Abid Bhaiyya for my cousin when she was diagnosed with breast cancer.  He said it is good for women's ovaries. He gave this to me 3-4 years ago and I thought I had lost the Post-It but do you know, I found it a week or so ago! It must be for you.
He said to say it three times. You can say it as many times as you feel comfortable, before going to sleep, when you awake, whatever. So here's the prayer:

"La illaha il Allah
Get rid of evil delusions
Cure and be cured
All healing belongs to Allah alone.
La illahah il Allah Muhammad Rasullah."

I don't want to make any claims but my cousin has been fine after her surgery.

Love love only LOVE!
Your biggest fan,
John


 About writing. You don't need a good computer or a nice office to write. J.K. Rowling was a single mother on the dole in the UK. She used to take her baby to the local burger joint to write.
Harry Potter started off as notes in her grotty copybook.

From my iPad


 Don't think about money. It is yours depending on what you give to the universe. It will come. Offer your experiences up. You'll be fine. Life is not a balance sheet. The balance is Love. Give loving kindness.



me:

this is all rich John. I will do them all.
i dont have words right now except to say i will do them.
I cant find the women cause i dont know who they are;
and really and truly, i can ask for forgiveness which i have done, but i dont need to turn up paved ground..."let the past be the past"

John:

Great! 

When I look at you I am blown away by your power and potential. It's like standing next to a large Mercedes Benz and hearing the engine purring quietly. That is you! 

Blessings

Command, Dominions and Kingdoms

10.11.12






today was such 'that day' that i dont have appropos words sufficient enough to describe it in any measure and never to approach its magnitude.

days like this i miss my journal, even though there is one, it exists. it seems weird to document this compendium / almost as if anything said, thought or written would be inadequate. almost as if it is so significant as to turn back on itself and be nothing encompassing

lets just line item for memory sake:
not to elicit care where none exists

1. deep emotional and physical discomfort- anxious at awakening/ puzzled. i now wonder what was happening at that hour: interestingly enough it was between 10-11-12o'clock

2. photoshoot. entry

3. phone call: no friend. retraction of support. renege on letter. the support that was going to make a plan workable rescinded; only negativity given to fill the appointment. i want that person to forget my number. and soon i intend to make that easy.

4. photoshoot ended up being a spiritual encounter. being recognized being and an opening of paths to correction, cleansing, clearing, instruction and next center of orientation.
a fifteen minute plan turned into a five hour conversation. among strangers.

5. clarity: deep heaviness. My life needs a clearing of much overhead, forest canopy, a thinning of trees and slashing of ground thickets. just where i find cover is the place i need to run from

6. what utter udder madness: madness feeding and breeding more of itself

hearing myself tell stories of experiences confirmed in my heart ad hearing that some real crazy stuff is going on. Lots. And from so many varied as if all corners.

first born dynamics. generational curses. resentment of blessings. projections of others' crosses. dumping of others' stuff. carrying others blame responsibility and punishment. and plain direct curses. things and people come but nothing stays

i was told the spiritual rank is high, so what combats is also of high power and amplified/ i was told of deep confusion is the means by which it gets in and under. Yeshua Yahweh, Only

i was told when you encounter any of claim, ask them by what authority, under whose or what commands, they gain.

i was told that much is being done to keep me from my purpose. the purpose that appeared lost to me. but the key and answer intimated lies with, in and is related to the beings who hate me the most, effortlessly. and the person said it before I divulged anything, which brought laughter and me asking them 'why did yu say that?' and they replying, 'why did you laugh?'

i was told this is a high time, grand shifts, and many are under amazing pressure to make them implode and not be able to commit their work for the hour.

i was told that the world is upside down, and the good is darkness and darkness is the light. and people./beings come to do their bidding, fulfill prophecy and what is written, as it is written, regardless of morphs, changes, true identity or encounters with the cheshire cat

i was told to order my day at the appointed hour/not to let others do it. for it is so done. and the muslims have it right to kneel, bow and in prostration

about the part where so much is twisted in on itself, and evildark is called light and light is really evil and corruption, clarify your names and identity and who you think is who. the taking of names is to shield

and by now, i am thinking sometimes it is great to be confused cause then you get to the truth, whereas if you live not embracing all, you would have latched on to the wrong energy and commands, unmovable. becareful of what you think you know. but i was also told it is better to proclaim one thing and it be the wrong thing, focused energy rather than scattered to all, no master

i was told to ask my guides, who sent them and commanded them to do what. you think they will answer?

i was told i need a space to do the work and dont start if i am not going to get to the finish, for the furies and pandora...well..

and it is okay to write this cause it is none of you with evil or jealous eye. it is not 'friends' aint that something> the end all and be all of all things? the origins

but today i know there is no friend or friendship. nothing is as it seems. no one is who you think they are. trust no one for you know not what beings and energy and demons lurk there beneath that smile, the hand, the embrace or history

oh. the source and providence of all this? a random inbox message from a stranger, unknown, not even a fbriend. Just so

Do watch for signs and wonders, it might be the only salvation

afterthoughts and remembrances:

* the stars are of its own dominion and kingdom; one of thirteen i believe?
and of the stars are of Lucifer, supposedly > see? the light, the stars, the stellar, are actually the depths

OOOoh! the Chills of a Black Man Writing Rising

Gs Evolution

Every year that goes by I start to wonder about things. It has been 15 years since I graduated Tuskegee. And I'm still battling the case of the no's. I have turned a few of them to yes's LOL. Yet the no still out weigh the yes's. Case in point no homecoming from me again.

Am I grateful that I can sub in Columbus Schools? Yes I am. Yet I can't stop of thinking about how out of position my life is. Very few people have an understanding of how serious of scholar I am. Finding my niche is very slim. I feel like that native intellectual that Fanon talked about in The Wretched of the Earth. He lamented that "native intellectual returns to his people as a stranger"; moreover, he does so after he "strips himself naked to dissect the heart of his people."

I wonder if this some how makes me dysfunctional? I can remember reading Nathan Hare wife Julia as she wrote about black women not dating an Afrocentric brother stating that we would not be able to find work in her book How to Find and Keep a Black Man Working. When I think of my 15 years of retail was Booker T Washington right about liberal art education that it would not yield to progress?

I have an masters and I'm substitute teaching and working retail on the weekends. I did that with my BA six years ago. I wonder how many real options I have. I'm 40 soon to be 41. I have a woman in my life who l love and I need to care of her. As I types I can hear my late mother say that when pray that she wishes when dies that me and brother was able to take care of ourselves and we are so far from doing son.
Karanga said at the end of the day practice proves everything so what I'm proving? I have more plans than resources to fulfill them. Sometimes I wonder if I'm struggling with to many demons.

• Jungie Keyz: "I hope u do find what ur looking for my brotha god bless never surrender."

  
  
• Percy Kemet: "Stay strong,what u think about most of the time will come to you most of the time dont think about failing cause failing will come ,just keep transmitting sucess and it will come , allwayz do for self"

   
• Kokahyi Sa-ra deep...

  
  
• Gs Evolution: "Kokahyi Sa-ra, i know deep
  

  
  
• Grace Chung: "Never give up and always be doing something, no matter how small, with your Passion...Work that...and that little bit will find its momentum with the u-verse and grow♥"

   
• Tim Roberson: "you are a teacher thats what you do and thats what you are. Trust me your on the right road, BE PATIENT!!!"

  
  
• 

  Maven Huggins: "oooh. the Chills of a Black Man Writing Rising.. wow. I feel for you Sojourn. I think you should write a blog. The sentiment is powerful. Clean the grammar and typo Breds ..but it is still powerful...
  
  If you wish i will volunteer to edit your pieces before you post..but you have something here. Keep Writing. your journey. your demons"

  
  
• Lashaundra Cromotee: "There. Is always the option of entrepreneurship. You are a Black Educated Man living in the United States. Based on this society and your status (B/M) expecting the yeses to outweigh the nos may be unrealistic."

   

  
  
• Gs Evolution: "Maven Huggins, I was asked why do I post such personal stuff. Do you think this was too much for facebook. To me this be begs the question how transparent can a black man be without people it looking like he's weak or worse just doing things purely for attention?"

  
  
• 
  

  Maven Huggins: "Brother Gs. By your question to me I can tell you do not read my page.
  
  Do you?
  
  To be human is to be real. To be an enlightened and elevated human being is to be authentic and real (not the real they talk about in the hood). To be such a being, there is no hiding, from self or from others, no matter their depths on the ladder of evolution.
  
  Write your story. Facebook is a grand medium for that. You can write notes or long post. they can be compiled and published. I plan to publish my fb. i have one person on my page who already did so.
  
  Spend some time on my page and you will read some real people who write their life and expose their souls. When you do that do you imagine the freedom? No secrets, No pretense. No dissonance,...at least it is toward those ends>
  
  I make it my business not to business with what lesser mortals do and think, Gs. The very idea people hold those views make them not even in your audience. And you write and you will be shocked what strength you give to others cowering and quavering in their lives...Writing and Exposing Self is Powerful and Empowering. Trust it.
  
  I got your back.
  DO you.
  You are brave. I love you for writing this> All of us are struggling Beloved
  I have a phd. my masters is from tuskegee. I spent five years there, two redoing sciences maths and physics to get into vet school. and the other year travelling africa, and two years my masters in animal nutrition/ag economics
  
  my phd is from michigan state. in applied economics , international and resource development . i have not worked for the last two years. before that in 2003, i needed to leave the us cause i was getting evicted and had no job or money left. I sold/had an estate sale for everything practically new that i expected to be my life for the next foreseeable future...just to survive with nothing
  
  you write your story others will share theirs.
  exposing self ? google my name: Melise D. Huggins. I am published. two of those pieces are extremely personal..
  My power and my self awareness tells me It is ok to do so> Follow your Soul. Nothing else and No one else.
  
  And anyone who cant deal with your authenticity aint real. Ditch them. No matter who they are..
  ♥
  
  You are already strong. just believe it. I am so proud of you for the face of a black man you show with this post you have no idea."

the eagle Nebula

the Eagle Nebula

fitting that be the first thing i see when I turn on. When i come to document the last few hours

i stayed up all night, unplanned. i feel like shit. I went to bed at 4am watching a film, and reflecting, memorying...

but i now wake from dreams, literal at the door. to the point when i awakened and realized i needed to remember the last of the dream, not thinking of the beginning of the dream to go back further enough to see who were the first two old white men giving me my bidding, ....when i tried to return, i literally felt as if psychically, i bumped into an energy wall. as if i crossed over already, i have taken third dimensional form so it was a hit and a squeeze to go back, but i got back. Rennie was the friend who was there, who with someone else, got impatient and left me, who when i went out to tell them goodbye and to return to the first meeting, the men were gone. Note to self. Know which side you need to show fealty, loyalty and unwavering attention. As i write now, of those two men, the sense i get is that those are my three guides. Craig never told me they were white. He just said they were my guides from my planet, which had not yet been named and in recent times it has been formed found and called, X. but somehow I keep and call in my mind, Plaeides. dont know why...but in the dream, those men gave me access when none are due nobodies. and i realize there is much in the dream that i miissed and should have laid quietly, quieter trying to gather. the other one was in charge at an airport? and wanted to charge me for a flight and ground transport that got messed up. and somehow things dissolved but i somehow knew that he rescinded the charges and told them to put 8K on my card. I am going to look for that 8K

so when i woke up, i started musing from things yesterday. pieces of the puzzle, the nebula, so to speak coming to me as I travel through space, life and time. yesterday while mopping the steps of the workman debris my mom says to me, " look at Maria's grandchild" and i did not quite hear her, asked her what she said and why and she explained Mama used to make them, the children, my parents (I call all my aunts and uncles and my mother my parents- it was them in my grandfather';s house I was born to, it was them who made me the gold child i was and am, It is them who poisoned me from having children in the world for it is no use at all to bring any child in the world who cannot be so totally bathed, showered, and cornered with love, red carpet of love laid out for their every step), mop/scrub the steps. and i showed no response , i just said oh and smiled but immediately i said in my head, {oh, that is it, bingo- Mama was a no business no nonsense mother, and them three girls hated and resented her for the domestic champion and slave driver she was---i am just imagining from their perspectives, how they turned out and how they react...it is the key to the conflict...and the boys interpreted their mother very differently...they or at least one, my uncle and godfather Pat, Idolized her. but the woman eschewed everything and fiber she was as a domestic maternal housewife. I see it. And so here i land and come, apart from that exposure and history and emulate her to the nth degree and that is the source of the biggest conflict, that is the self and entity that is the glass mirrored wall and energy that has been opposing me. it is coming to clarity...

but for some reason this morning I was thinking about Mama in a different way...and so many pieces come to me: Philip Neimark's reading of me: "You primary ancestor is a STRONG woman from your mothers side." I now know that it is Maria. I had a reading once and it came up my grandfather, i know wonder about that, but think it is not impossible for both to be true...for just last night while washing dishes, I recalled i am the grandchild theat when to school daily on my grandfather's shoulders...Love and Regaling when I tell you... Then i think of reconnecting with Rufus was it last year? ago, and we spent hours on the phone from trinidad to nyc, only for us to say goodnight then the next morning he writes me and tells me/asks me: who is the woman in a blue dress she came to see me last night at work. she was just at a distance watching me and I was shocked...did not know who it was

But this morning I think of many of my paintings: of blue. and I think of a recent one that seemed to be of a Nun in a long habit and I long considered her Maria of the bible and she is in blue cape that expands out to her aura..I see think now that is Maria Bastaldo my grandmother. my cousin Vanessa dreamed of Mama...she came to visit her and told her Mother Mary-- something about her? was it to worship her? and when her birthday was and what her color. Vanessa had the presence of mind to tell her father, thank god that dream while Uncle Pat was living and he confirmed it all. And while I write that I think Mama is asking us to lift her up. worship her. Build her altar that was found in her house. Yes Mama I will as soon as I get my own again..

so it is she protecting me, and my biggest dream and astral travel was when i visited the ancestral village, thousands of people thick it seemed and i got to Mama and the first thing she said to me, :did they not tell you I have been asking.calling for you?" and I said no they did not tell me. This now, I realize it was in life, Mama was calling out to me as a child after I left/was taken as I cried out to her before she died. and lord knows what happened in the meantime, meanwhile when i was deaf and blind and unknown to such things and sciences...

but what brings it all home for me today are the pieces...so to return to the top and give you example, today this moment of what i contend with--- i hear my aunt calling my mom telling her she smells something burning. All last night I did not want to tell you of my obsession with food but two days earlier i seasoned, highly seasoned some goat and last night I decided I would make dhal and curry goat, with zaboca and lots of cucumber, brown rice...and so set peas to soak. I get up this morning to hear something burning. I sitting on my ass here all day, what is the rush to cook this early morning? I sitting on my ass here all day, would not centredness say, let the daughter cook, especially if she set items out to do so? what is the jump and rush? and then the jump and rush to burn because of mindlessness. now is there anyone who would not see that as some kind of passive something> Unconscious theatre, deep soul conflict wtihin projected outward? Or am i reading much into things. well i will tell you...i am reading much into things until it becomes apparent to others beyond myself. so it is only now in life I think that someone is realizing the domestic reign, pillar and paragon she missed and is trying to recover in odd ways, odd ways given my presence and natural bent...

but i wrote that to say one thing, you would not believe....I am convinced the whole purpose, reason and science behind my returning to this trinidad, and enduring all these hard painful humbling nine years, was to reconnect with my source, my ancestors, the power brokers of my life, the woman of my genes and mitochondria, as well as others...Dada, Aunt Lilla, and to do for Junior. I live on this plane but my navel string clearly seems to be on nebula , with some solitary bird as the eagle or floating in the ether between all universes, systems and dimensions.
That is the connecting of self that I think the recent writings and guidance have been all about...the self that is gone. that came before and that is here still but shadowed/invisible...in the most powerful important realm.

I wonder what now to what end and further advancement and purpose.

wow.
i just step back and say, wow.
that strong sentiment to step back and make peace with all, bring compassion to the door of my own failings which incidentally is the passage way before others..to embrace all even the snakes...

that burning story...my aunt is here because someone did not trust me...and now someone else gets to see what was really happening. she already once came to me and said, I see the cycle, perhaps you can try to not respond when things erupt and emerge...i was so heartened by the request not for the indication of my culpability, but i thought the person brought to help fight me would never see. and here it was she was telling me she saw...but bow to the current matriarch is what we do and will do..and i am doing..that is why i have been mopping floor since the weekend, bloody vex but talking to myself. to do it with love...

life is so damn deep and complex, it makes my eyes water and my heart full up and my stomach jump--the soul food and filling on the other side of 'going through'

another friday
more revelations from the night end

Dyads and Transcendent Transformative Identities;/ Humans Being Sentiment

Maven Huggins

‎"Habibi, Poet and Protest are the same"
Yehia Jabe/r
Artscape: Poets of Protest

I lay in wake for what seems an hour before I got up, took action, did something. I laid there deciding whether to read my German novel, turn on the stupid tube which is full of enlightenment and learning if that be your vibration, or come here on fb. I did nothing. I mused instead., recounting memories as they came forward, dynamics between disappointments and I, and mostly too, repeating a dream I just awoke from. i dreamt of a Huggins squatting, building a lovely functional cement/tapia house of a one leaning roof. and growing food all about it. it was a he. He was a Huggins. but for the life of me I cant imagine who that was. I think it was me. So i wake musing how i and my life are bereft of males, even after father, grandfather, uncles and a brother. Now. There are no males. If the lightbulbs in the chandelier, in the cathedral ceilings need changing, i/we call the electrician. A Life of No Males

it is interesting to see new modern relationships follow old and patriarchal dynamics.

i am glad i finally turn on the tv. and get to AlJazeera at exactly 4:32. I get to learn of wonderful poet Yehia Jabe/r

Then something perplexing. I swear there seems to be invisible bugs that bite and itch me in my salon and I try to reason it out..but i would see fleas. I would see marks of bedbugs, there are none of that, but it happens. and only when i am sleeping, I think. i wonder what else invisible is there? more allergy to the space i am in

cant recall what else there is
amidst all the brainwaves

• Marcia Braveboy Up early..

  
  
• Maven Huggins frequently. i was just thinking. how ironic. no job, previously hated early rising and now it happens effortlessly

  
  
• Vincent Reynolds Can relate. a night ago I woke full of the zeal to activate a debit card, then again to take a job no longer available which I don't value more than what I'm doing now as an unemployed activist, except that it seems the way to get a mate.
  
  Also the fleas.
  
  Male = self-sufficient house? male = capable of fixing infrastructure? Just questioning this as a cultural truism, I am guessing you are too. I recommend Dorothy Dinnerstein's 1976 book Mermaids and Minotaurs, one of the few early books of ecopsychology, or indeed ever published, to cover human attitudes toward nature as informed by infant perception of gendered roles and gendered reliability and attractiveness. When males are distant they can seem more capable and alluring than a mother who is all too revealed as fallible and human though the primary caregiver. And what to males do but take from Mother Earth's bounty and return it to hungry infants? Lesson learned and passed down in turn, feels right and who knows, after several hundred thousand years this may be in our genes. Doesn't make it right or good for the Earth. Not an indictment of gender roles, just a caution about the unexamined way conveniently 'good' and 'proper' roles work together for unintended consequences. As Dinnerstein notes, humans will resist thinking about them, even herself.

  
  

  Maven Huggins nice . Lovely Vincent. I like where your head is at/ You are one welcomed male ;) who appears to be a man. You have not been around me long enough to know i make that very strong distinction. Hope you get it. And I never read Dinnerstein but I questiion all the time and see It appears i have little interest or tolerance for the baggage that comes with most arrangement. I actually wrote about this just yesterday in more than one post in fact, so I understand it, get it and know it well. My comment was also take too seriously for I was also basically just taalking about balance and equanimity although, deep as it may be, it appears I have no need of it. I am feminine on the outside, oh so' but evidently very masculine. Masculine mentally and emotionally. I love what you see about male species though-- the eternal depletion and consumption. My joke was so complete it was and is unknown. i am a very competent female. the cathedral ceilings should /could have been the clue. I ripped off the bumper on my suv a few weeks ago and right then and there, looked for the clips and reconstituted it. i had never done that before. I have my father carl huggins to thank for some reason he spoke of being self competent but i took it to the nth degree...
  i feel i am rambling though. your words are pregnant and poignant, vast and unending as fodder for thought. I shall repost. there are others who may need to check it
  
  Incidentally, on a friends thread yesterday, ...i shall look for it and share. All your sentiments I wrote in there..and it all related to:"do we really need men" i have no male children , which i want, and i think it my purpose, but even wonder if i can trust a man to raise them..for my purpose is to repopulate the pinnacle man child in total honor to earth gaia and wombmyn

  
  
• Maven Huggins Maven Huggins" you know what would be great. if one were to read the title and write one's own exigesis/confirming or negating in two regards: one for self and one's own personal experiences, and one for others and what one sees, hears and reads are the experiences of other sisters. then let the observations, stories and realities speak for itself.
  
  i am amused. I did not read the article, just your two comments I see: Lindsey and Mills. and all i think about is I can write either an essay to integrate my life and the lives of other women around the globe, or a paragraph of my own philosophy validating the title
  
  we are in a very bad sad depth of place. but i dont do denial. and i dont do masochism/ and further, put a premium on staying sane and healthy and integrated...
  {i dont hate my black men because largely, i have stayed away from them and their common shenanigans}
  
  Peace"
  
  in response to this post and link> [Why Black Women Dont Need Men]
  
  ------------
  
  So you see dear Vincent, there is almost no area i dont question or interrogate. in fact ;D, the name of my blog is questioneverythingevenyourself
  
  Cheers!! Mate

  
  
• Maven Huggins all of that Vincent, but I have to say, I do wish I could find men, real men, the ones who are most balanced, not consuming not objectifying, not steeped and made of dominant paradigms and oppressive patriarchy...but along the lines of Rumi Gibran and Rilke, who are free and able to be my good friend. I need that more than anything. but alas, the best ones I have are far away from my locus standi

  
  
• Maven Huggins hell. i need female friends like Rumi Gibran and Rilke. So you see my condition. i friend myself and use candles

  
  
• 
  

  Vincent Reynolds WOW. I like your writing style but I am going to have to absorb your meanings. Have you ever gotten into feminist lit? There is a subtle agenda to suggest many variations of possible meaning, as in poetry, also the demand for contextual meaning. A move away from the voice of authority which is actually simply use of unexamined words. I actually learned my writing voice in the late 80s, reading some of the hip and self-published small press lit which was exploding then. I had done some poetry and newswriting until then, but was held back in finding my voice.
  
  I think your advice fits because of the nature of having a public voice and in what social situations context is vacated in order, basically, to tell others how it is and what they need to do. Conversely, reality is found when that removed self is put back in. And humans have gotten to the point where reality is almost more badly needed than right action. Lost, I mean. Because abstracted and objectified perspective isn't more real than the limited perspective of an individual. In fact the limited individual perspective can lead back to reality in this case, better than the objectifying voice can narrate reality which has been lost.
  
  I picked up this approach writing a vision statement for an intentional community. It starts one self, one other in relation to the self and the community in relation to the self. How to treat those other perspectives, identify with them via our own filters, and love them as part of the cosmic whole which is also us (via our filters).
  
  And I read that a psychologist uses this same approach: self, other, others.
  
  And back to gender. What is gender when looking at real people? I admit I thought you were a woman at first, then a man who happened to have an ambiguous name. Now I wonder if you are a woman (are you saying so?) and why does this matter just talking to you online? The cathedral ceiling was neutral to me, and I should explain why, in general. I am Aspergers. So the whys and wherefores of human nature don't come instinctively to me. I have to read about them as facts and often their connection with other facts never comes to me as it comes to normal people. The affinities, alignments, dividing up of the world according to polar distinctions. Because I don't have that type of brain. I have a brain capable of general processing and my 'human' specialized centers of insight died when I was about two, I guess. If my brain has re-specialized it is according to my own experience since then, not likely in ways others see as common sense.
  
  So, that's the kind of man I am. I am in my culture and I do make gendered assumptions too. I can tell that because of the dissonance in how the gender confusion guides how I relate to you. Also the color of your skin as I guess it. How far does the sameness/difference I perceive/assume rule how we relate, online like this? I also have tried to pass as the opposite gender, in person. Many times. I came close only once. I'm pleased you aren't adamant about gender roles. Now we won't fight about that, probably, LOL. But the one aspect about me which rules how I interact is that I am never sure of anything. And I therefore question a lot of it. Not all the time.
  
  I am very curious and drawn to hearing more of your sense of things because of those amazing comments. I should probably read your blog which I can google. I love Rilke. Assigned that at age 20 by a poetry instructor. I am a recovering Romantic though--Ken WIlber's critique of Romantic eco-writing was devastating. I love Hafiz. I am guarded toward Rumi but still in awe--wrote a poem expressing that I can share. I am cool toward Gibran, although a friend loves him so I can respect. There are women who are like them. In fact I want to friends suggest one. Perhaps in a while. There is some tension--I think the permission to be drawn toward such a thinker seems more general when there is the prospect of dualistic love, or difference love. Complementarity, Dinnerstein calls it. Or Dyadism. Dyads can happen between similar individuals, of course. But that's so arbitrary. Except the voice of social authority tries to keep it hard and fast. And as an Asperger person I like finding out what is and seeing through appearances. So while I trust your assessment I would love to hear more about you in detail. Your writing is probably the clearest way. Need to eat breakfast and possibly work on my greenhouse. Unless this conversation draws me back and diverts me... which it might.

  
  
• 
  

  Maven Huggins Vincent, writing you is amusing only because you keep asking me about exploring what i already am ; but that is okay it is the getting to know. I am female. fb i left saying i am h...See More

  
  
• Vincent Reynolds Thank you! I mean for the information and permission to think about your opinions. Admission/clarification here: people fascinate me--you seem nuanced and slightly contrarian, also traditionalist. Which is not what I was expecting. I looked up the Wikipedia entry on womanism. I suppose I have taken on the identification as a feminist, my reading sort of tapers off in the 80s and is heavy on poetry, anthropology and lit criticism however. The wikipedia entry on dyad (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dyad_%28sociology%29) is short but suffices in the sense that a dyad is a social unit for some sociological interest. Can't remember the quote or the writer who said all human stories can be simplified to three or fewer protagonists. Which is pitiful and an indictment of human stupidity. But so it goes.
  
  What was I saying? Dyads? Part of my experience is difficulty relating to others. Being in a dyad is a challenge and it gets expenentially tougher from there, even visually tracking a crowd. And society isn't made up only of individual, dyads, and families whatever the Right says. A society is made up of all of its combinations including neighborhoods, communities, legacies etc. It just that theory often ends with what is familiar and grounding to a particular theorist. Theory which gets published by the gatekeepers of a dominant culture anyway. And admitting that a respect for all permutations and expressions of a society soon exceeds the patience of mere reading and must exist as a body of experience.
  
  So, how is this grip over public discourse wrenched away and focused on real people? Situated testimony and acknowledgement of primary authors? And deconstruction which de-sacralizes precious theories and returns the right of theory-making to individuals? Deconstruction is also a pain in the ass for individuals who value their ideals and don't need to fragment them or reform them or replace them. But the ability to express one's self is validating. So I guess for me it all turns into storytelling in the end. With liberal honoring of each articulation.
  
  So I guess what I get out of that wikipedia entry on womanism brings into the balance a view for theological structure, a view for the welfare of entire communities, a view for the specific experience of people.
  
  But back to you, which I guess is also your learning and experience, but what interests me for this discussion is your willingness to not be part of a dyad, or not do dyad the traditional way, without rejecting or disrespecting those who might logically or culturally be the other unit of a dyad for you. Self-sufficiency in other words, which might or might not have identified as male. There is a big quagmire here. Which is that when there is a hierarchy or seems to be one, in a culture, a person gets judged/honored for which side of a divide they are bridging (even in themselves through honoring the opposite gender mana in themselves. It sort of depends on the judge, of course and how imaginative a judge is about guessing at motivations. If the motivations are understood easily, that's where the judging stops. If they aren't, all kinds of negative motivations get assumed.
  
  What do I mean? I mean power. What powers do women hold? I am not trying to be funny. I am just suggesting that in a hierarchical society few spend enough time thinking seriously about this. If they did they'd come up with a huge long list. But all too many people, many men mostly but also women, might assume women lack power and are sensibly motivated to get power or at least independence and men have power and any motivations they might have to identify with woman is kinky at best and likely psychologically complicated at the least.
  
  To which I answer that women typically have awesome, enviable social intelligence and the power of relationship-building and community-building. And that if a man didn't give a damn about looking macho or didn't even know that male and female traits are separate worlds, never to be mixed except in a dyad, he'd emulated that power, even symbolically or in his thinking.
  
  Trouble is, few people in a hierarchic society bother to arrive at that calculation. All they see is a man acting like a woman, and thus as a perv. Definitely not dyad material.
  
  And here is me. I can either reclaim the power of the feminine but remain solo or I can repair my wounded masculine and embody what women really want, which is a macho guy to "contain" their energy, choose for them, dominate them, daddy them and provide for them and their babies by bringing home the bacon.
  
  And I am getting this from former feminists, very close friends of mine. White former feminists I admit and maybe they were never all that solid, LOL. But they seemed to be fellow gender-blenders. What they are saying now is that trad roles work, and dammit they want to get their family on. That's the magic mana which drives dyads, which seem to be the foundation of a society, at least according to some folks.
  
  I am very sorry to keep writing long but I'm mad to hear what you think of this. Or you can ignore it. I'm sure you have stuff to accomplish today, your work seems dread important. I got one frame done but I find myself deconstructing why I am so keen on saving the garden I worked on all year from dying of frost before harvest.
  
  I am getting to know you which is why I am so theory. I can be a regular person once I get an idea of someone. I like you loads because you surprised the heck out of me and turned out to be a very interesting writer, at least here on FB. I suppose I enjoy the gender trick and now that you are revealed as a woman I am indulging a special interest in women's issues, perspectives and psychology. I love getting to know women who aren't into typical women's goals, also.
  

  
  

  Dyad (sociology) - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

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• Maven Huggins ;O
  
  well this is a wonderful exchange and ask for permission to insert it into my blog> these kinds of explorations and exchanges are at home there.
  
  It is funny you say, "your work seems dread important". Vincent. I have no work.
  
  you also write something i have posted on in the last few days given a new experience or new engagement with new characters in recent weeks; people who are supposed to be apart from the dominant paradigm emulate just that. the traditional. which to me is shocking and challenging
  
  i have read and learned and burned a lot of the disempowering of women, from ancient times to today. I have this page to try and combat it, in some futile waste of time way...w.facebook.com/pages/Women-Inspired/126478892166?ref=ts#
  
  i am very totally annoyed and disappointed with women, to think they are the all powerful, creating life but living life in such fragmented, broken stripped (no pun intended) ways...but..the planetary system is what it is.
  
  I am just trying to live and outstand (stretch to transform) me. not anyone or anything beyond me.
  
  you read me correct. and there is nothing you write that is not apart from my view and seeing...so not much I can say except to reinforce what you have so already well written. Listen, it is always hard to walk out of boxes and off paths...which is clear it is what we are doing.. but i not only write of that triumph but the painful bitter trial that is..
  
  what you speak of in a word is integrative/ integrated: of all energies, genders and identities...that {one } thing...

  
  
• Maven Huggins i had dyad intuitively correct..the matching of paths and journeys for mutual benefit /upliftment

  
  
  

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    Vincent Reynolds I love that last sentence, "what you speak of in a word is integrative/ integrated: of all energies, genders and identities...that {one } thing..." it excites me, cultivating attention to this is my goal. I get it from a class on Gaia ecology. Also Ken Wilber to a certain extent. Basically, most human leaders reformers think mechanistically, with bits which are supposed to embody one principle only. If these widgets integrate they do so only in an assemblage of unchangeable parts. I suppose the Wilber contribution, or Arthur Koestler's rather, is the idea of a _holon_, the insight that all things are wholes AND parts, ie. integrations of many principles on their own as well as in concert with other things.
    
    Where this most often gets lost is the insight that a woman is a person. You must know from history that many women were physically powerful, trained warriors and warrior-queens and leaders of all sorts. I sort of subscribe to Gimbutas although Eisler's popularization of her less so. I'm sure you know it. I also celebrate the scholarship of Raphael Patai and others on Hebrew eradication of feminine principles. But I think the eradication of Celtic equality is the worst, down to present Anglo culture in America (which is very reductionist, literal and conservative).
    
    I think your definition of dyad is too spiritual for my sense of how it is used in academia. You might be a spiritual person and I might start using your sense of it (dyad_MH) but my frustration with the American dyad is that it isn't about who a person is inside--only whether they bring home the bacon and keep the car alive or whether they keep the kids alive and put out. Sorry to be so crude. And cynical. I'm not even sure there is a spiritual dyad, at least for me. How's that for cynical?
    
    Let's put this all together. Is there an integrated individual? Is there an integrated dyad? Is there an integrated society, and so on. You know what I mean? Are there these units who can work, be productive yet also be themselves, totally and not sublimate or need addictions or have to embody a role with their partners in order to even BE in the unit of partnership. In other words can we be ourselves openly and still be part of society? And the planet, for extra credit? Answer me that and I will be a fanboy, at least until you tell me to quit.
    
    About quoting, I haven't made up my mind. I think you just did it for a post here on FB and I don't think I need you to delete it. Thing is, my waking drives aren't general or abstract, they are about specific people and recent situations. Would be loads better if you could wait a few weeks at least, or change my name or else edit out that 'getting a job to have a mate' bit. Everything else is fine, incl the cross-dressing. I'm open about it. I do it to try and get inside the experience of women, not to be kinky. It isn't kinky in fact and I am alarmed when people assume its kinky and try and come on to me.
    
    I do think its a responsibility to provide for domestic partners, mates or whatever. I just rankle at being reduced to a role in order to get love. Lovers gotta live, yes, but do I have to be some role to BE a lover? And does that mean I can't parent so much cause I'm the public face and 'outside' worker of the dyad? This part is academic and related to no one in my life anymore.
    
    I am often disappointed with theology when it is reductionist or one-dimensional. Sorry this is a hanging paragraph. Have no idea where I was going with this. If you like Rumi and womanism I might guess you are a rich theological thinker. Are you? Because I'd be mad to discuss it with you as well.
    
    Sorry to go on and on. Aspie trait. Things will die down in a couple weeks and then I'll just go ": )" because I like you and your perspectives. And maybe I'll get to know you well enough to stop idealising you and even quibble over opinions. : )

    
    
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    Vincent Reynolds The more I think about my question the more it is burning. If humans can become integrated in their societies there is hope for alignment with nature and the planet. And my measure of integration is, can they remain persons? Or maybe I am wrong. I suppose it hinges on how permeable nature is between levels of organisation. Its almost a physics question, i.e. do traits exist beyond the quanta of necessary and sufficient causes? Does a lepton change the universe beyond serving in a chemical bond? Or maybe I lapse into incoherent and obscure analogy. But I think I'm right, that chaotic complexity affects the cosmos as much as organized complexity, even though humans love order.

    
    
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    Maven Huggins ah Vincent..i have always made up my own paradigm, make new definitions of old words and reformulate, if not create my own, words that is... that is what dyad is to me.
    
    if you ever get to it, one of my favorite poems is Yea! Samurai Warrior Queen...channeling something ancient ancestral
    
    sorry to tell you but what we are writing about here, does not exist, and i am too, thus, very cynical..even as i remain a dreamer/idealist
    
    apologies if i transgressed. will go find that and delete and edit. funny thing is I did initially and felt i was censoring you and your voice and your experience and disingenous so i left it as is. i did flirt with just focusing on the meat of what you wrote, which was the last paragraph, but all the other parts was of value and invaluable to mbe cause here was someone else writing the trivia of their live as legit, as I do everyday to a lot of people's consternation>>
    
    i will correct it. Forgive me, Apologies
    
    I love your use and writing of :"i would be mad..to discuss it with you:
    
    about theology, rich or otherwise...i believe in the theology of the self and Hig Her Self.; praying one's own name...and believe on some dimension that we were or are Gods.
    
    yeah, no need please to idealize me, it always ends bad and no need to quibble either. I just write my story and it is not to convince, compel or convert any other...
    
    we can just be Rumi friends of enlightened beings on our journeys..intersecting. ;)

    
    
    
    

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      Vincent Reynolds LOL. Yes, idealizing is willful ignorance and being a cart before the ass, or something. Not very dependable support or friendship. I was sort of kidding about it. I think I do tend to get excited when someone is unusual or has similar interests. Then one runs a lot by the person wondering how many things in common they have. I'm not really a Rumi fan though. I'm not sure what my special interest is really. I tend to skitter from topic to new topic like Mercury. It sounds like your theology is in line with my friends, that of the intentional community I like and what I've been bombarded with lately to my benefit. But that's idealization too. Haven't even read your online writing yet. No need to rush. I should get the greenhouse up to insulating efficacy.
      
      I think beings only do ever intersect, or share reality fields briefly and in part. Sorry if it seemed like I was coming on to you ,from Oregon to Trinidad, Bolivia. I'm not one to travel that far for love. I've started looking again after about five years of being alone. I'm on attractiveness high alert. Maybe it was better when we were both men and I wanted to make sure you weren't being a macho, LOL. We can go back to that if you like. I don't like gendered relationships really, although I like women better than men for some reason. Ambiguous or undefined is good too.
      
      I wasn't concerned. I am very open, radically so I'd told. But it might make someone else uncomfortable or feeling their confidence betrayed. My bad, actually, I spilled it here on your post. Maybe I'll go ahead a delete my side of this discussion. I might have made an ass out of myself. I hate that. I do try and express myself uncensored. Because I tend to, or have, censored myself too much before about three years ago. Thus my frustration with being able to be myself. But I don't have to be an ass, that's bad for business.

      
      
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      Maven Huggins no but we all do that. I recently learned. seems others more than me. but i have suffered to realize when someone who i really wanted to be in friendship with, how ugly they become and react when their delusions are dismantled...i kind of thought, oh is that they way to keep relationships lasting...> lying, saying nothing, taking no stand, offering nothing but nods and smiles...(rolls eyes)
      
      oh no. Vincent, no need for apologies here and nothing you wrote I took as a come on. Just as two beings excited to enjoin...that is all. my friend that is all. Please let yourself be free , unencumbered. i trust we are all of light so as to know how to dance respectfully ;)
      
      you werent an as and I would be sorely sad and disappointed if you were to delete anything here. really i would. Part of being revolutionary and authentic is we need to stop hiding the real parts of ourselves, and we need to stop resisting being open with the best part of being human...communication and if we try to obverse that, we undermine everything...everything we say at least.
      
      I am holding sacred space and you have not done anything here that i dont do in all if not most of my posts: Lay myself bare and no one holds space for me. I just do it cause I do it and that is what I do, damn all the bitches and haters who decry me...they exist..but so..please...dont feel any kind of way Less or wanting or incorrect. You have blessed me to trust me. and because you have written so deeply and poignantly, i saw it fit to reproduce but it is to teach others. You can run away or turn back from your accomplishment of self ...
      
      ♥

  
  

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    Vincent Reynolds LOL. Yes, you are a self-sufficient man (womb-myn?). I am horrible with boundaries, that's the cause of this current faux-pas. Lately I just spill it, which is stupid. And I spill it right away, which is extra-stupid and just off-base. Because, in person anyway, I can't pick up non-verbal signaling of "I'm not interested in you that way. Give it up! You have no chance with me!". I can usually pick up "Jerk." but sometime not know precisely why. Its always boundaries though, or maybe stupid assumptions or being narrow or not being respectful of something sacred. I know very little about your thinking and nothing about your circumstances, preferences, etc. It wasn't in earnest, I am not about to go to Bolivia and I don't do long-distance letter-writing romance anymore. I suppose though that I was bordering on flirting with you or something silly. Because I'm in that mindset I guess. I get a lot out of being alone. But lately I've been seeing that I need the expectations and boundaries of others. I suppose I crave female attention too. Esp. someone creative with words and smart and aware of huge areas of knowledge and a PhD too. I had to try didn't I?
    
    Edited before I saw your last comment and I'm really going to delete all of this, lol. I really should message you only it would seem serious then... not being too serious. This is just in fun, it seems like people flirt for the fun/seeing others in consternation and I want to do whatever other humans do. I am like Data that way, : ). I even have a genuine sense of humor although a lot of other's humor puzzles me, esp. some that seems like hazing.
    
    I love your writing here. You are a brave, independent-minded, smart, bold honest person and even if I still thought you were a man I'd want to hear your thoughts on anything you care to talk about. I still do want that in fact. Please don't not take a stand because I was checking your interest-level. Delusions must be sprayed with violet light... ubik-spray... madness-b-gone. Cold-water if nothing else, lol :)

    
    
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    Maven Huggins ;ol you are fine Vincent. that is all. that is all