Cleanse The Old

 

the unknowing hinter states of mind

i only went to bed three and thirty four minutes and hours ago

but yet in that short time, was so far and deep in sleep

and dreaming travelling what i do not know

but did jump out of bed and went to my window as if mark was there calling me. opened the blinds, pushed back the canvas and stared out into the dark as if not seeing, seeing, blind, past seeing . it was weird/ all seconds but those seconds were like a long time in another dimension.

then i woke again just now and i too was somewhere else. my emotions it seems. took a bathroom run. but cant go back to sleep the thoughts on memories, the past year, the experiences, all hallmarked.

so i started writing a post. so apt . end of year. assessments.

i would have to say it has been all about my vehicle and males

i write a lot about males in trinidad and the black men, some of them. perhaps even more think i am a hater. i am not. i am just a truth speaker

but what is amusing and deep to me today and the close of this year, and yeah, i know the year is all of just our construction and making, it is all another cycle of the sun, moon and planets...but...i close this year realizing how fucking trifling all males are.

imagine for me to try and sell my car and some chinese trini comes, elling me he has four others of mine, that he cant do me that my car is worth far more . offers to fix it, we would make some arrangement. everyone was mad at me that i was honest to tell him, ;look i have no money' so i do not want to appear as if i am setting you up but we will make arrangements, you can keep the car if I dont have money by the time. the man promises. says how he is so much good people. had my good friend neal laughing and at me in derision, he asking me 'why would he help me>?: why would paul ou wan hing help me in deed. to his protestations and insistence that he will has resulted in him stopping to respond to my written message. my last was, look, i got some money, $1K more than the price he quoted me to do everything i wanted. just this week, asking if he can tell me what has gone on with him so i can respond appropriately, and we can move on. I so did not want another year to roll around with dead energy upon me. man reading not answering. when i tell you these men in trinidad mad no ass. i dont know if they sick. mentally off, it is just so bizarre for me. cause they does come up with offers you did not ask or seek, did not propose...only for them to act as if it never happened, ignore you when you try to follow through on your side of the bargain, and I have to rack my brain to try and figure out some logic behind the madness knowing damn well there is no sense and no character to find there. it must be some mack going on that fell through with them. had to be. cause as decent human beings you would say something, communicate. make your case plain, close a session, moving on

so that is my chinese trini male. who would have thought>

then coming down to the last of the year, my luck, call and cards pull up again, another male, this time indian. he makes offers for me on the car. to lend me the money to fix the car, i sell it and give it back to him. another offer, not sought, not danced, not entertained by me, not conjured by me, nothing, just presented. i thought cool. i thought it safe. we were in a nest and network i would thing, a businessman of some note, and a mutual friend who i would think would lend him some credibility. well look my crosses. i am a woman i dont ask fuckers for shit. so when they dont show up on favors proffered, me eh have nutten to say, imagine me wiping my mouth like them old women used to do when they gossiping. my grandmother used to do it when she retelling a story and cant imagine a scenario. yeah. that. so i have not said a word. that character too, wrote again apologizing for delay and stating it will get done. papa. nothing . nada. a lal. dragnathsingh

so i close out this year wanting to tell my trini gentlemen folk, it is not just one ethnicity of you. i mean my god, black men would not even offer those scenarios. none of them I know anyway. but the ones that do, this is what it has landed and ended too. so you not alone in your triflingness. there is much and only company. it might be a cultural heritage

and for that, that is where i woke up this morning and could not go back to sleep.. i was wondering if lloyd best ever entreatised on to writing about the character and personal makeup of local personas. the way he expounds on like the black pnm, or so or as it was in his day, I wish he was around today for him to see how many indians and nonblack africans are in that party, i wonder if he would get to the same conclusion i see in the future. but the way he can characterize the pnm, I wonder had he ever given thought to characterize the individual . the shoddiness, the lack of word and honor, the lack of integrity, the empty promises,

i write that and i think of a uwi academic i saw at my cousin's make a video lime a few weeks ago. i had met him when he was writing for manning. and even then tried to give him my cv to pass on. i knew that man did no such thing back then. this time to meet him, recognized my face, and thought I was one of his old students. we talked, he remembered me well. he remembered critical parts of my background. he asked for my contacts again, he mentioned various things he could put me onto. he even mentioned one black organization I had spoken to and with years ago, they had me come and make a presentation on farming. I did not know at the time, but it was his organization he spearheaded he says, and remembers my presence there even though he did not speak to me...anyway...all that to say. same thing. man promised to write, to link professionally to see what might happen this rounds. I have not heard from him. and i know in my being it was because he felt he was making some kind of social connection when he saw me. i was neither interested nor engaging beyond the basic. so i guess he felt he had nothing to get, so i have not heard from him.. it is a pattern.

doors doors and endless doors and windows that were never leading anywhere

the irony. seems my long time friend is mad

for what i dont know. he is the one who shared a saying with me. ebmc.

every body mudder cunt. he is the one who told me all of his friends are assholes. every last single one of his friends have tried to mack on me. i do mean every single one of them. but just like i was not interested in him, i was not interested in them either. ebmc. fuckers dont have shit for me. and aint about shit except racking notches, even in this late stage of life and the game. these are grown men eh, not the younger or middle set.

like he vex cause of his cunt friends, which i have always informed him when it happened. why do i share that? to show you the treachery called friendship here and to them it matters not. that is just how it is. ebmc and we still drink a rum and a puncha creama laurel

so boys. take a bow. is one line and string of cowardice, curs, skin teeth of burs / no difference between any of you.

and all i am wondering is all the ways I wish to clear space for 2016

even as i enter, prospects to hack this life, waiting to see when and if they crack ...or if it was more of the same masturbation

have a nice one

and is a love?

Writers Like Me

..https://www.facebook.com/alanmichael.parker/posts/800669380128?comment_id=800695792198&notif_t=feed_comment_reply

Hey, hive mind: who writes novels that include pictures or oddments, etc.? Sebald, Frisch... Ron Tanner, Valeria Luiselli... who else? Matt Bell, Matthew Kirkpatrick, Terese Svoboda ... help?
Posted by Alan Michael Parker on Tuesday, December 29, 2015

 

Activism of the Vigilant and Conscious

{You did not ask me, but i happen to see this in my stream. I would love to have a one on one with you on this subject. I just stopped reading when you talked of your friend, who has sexual use of 'one kind of female' (an odd description) where you end, but he is a nice guy otherwise so i must be overthinking.

honey. NO> there are more most "nice guy assholes" that are uncountable.
There is so much to unpack here. Further to that on that one small example, here in Trinidad I only see men, all men viewing women for sexual gratification, if not that, then for their usefulness and convenience, you know the ones who can do things like cook, clean, do their graphics, make connections for them.

but from the beginning i wanted to tell you you are not hypervigilant. You are on a show with people on some vibrations many measures away and below where you are. You cannot take judgment onto yourself because you have a higher consciousness. On one level you dont belong there. Hence, the flare ups which I have witnessed. I watch, and more so since you got on there. I used to watch before and stopped.

here is another part of the vortex:

"But the problem is that, to be frank, everyone else is underthinking it. And when approached with a different level of thought, folks get defensive and angry..."

Do not decry or denounce thinking as touchy feely please.
what you are doing here is participating in the same dismissal as a way of dealing and that is the only reason I am chiming in, to encourage you not to do that. to give you support and backing and to tell you to keep standing, keep thinking and minimize nothing. make none of yourself or your vigilance palatable for the lessers. sorry

today i was told I was being "too serious" when i called someone depicting a dark black african male with a light white very european featured femaled as "black love" then they tell me they are color blind. and i am separatist.

we have to battle against untruths. battle against ignorance and the global system of asleep zombies

Keep stepping strong and boldly brother beloved!}

https://activized.wordpress.com/2015/12/21/hypervigilance-vs-underthinking/

Homes or Lack Thereof Status

the "acquisition of status"

while i agree of course in some old world, ancient mindset, I am confused, cause i think on this all the time. how folk be walking around in the flyest gear, sneaker down, their idea of clothes: jeans, tees, gold down, some real, most not, looking clean, holding dollars, ostensibly, might or might not have a car, but they standing fly. go to them people's homes nuh. you know part of why i stay where I am is because i grew up with an understanding of personal living that I rarely see. there are very few homes I can go and live in. I cant go live in my father's home with his new wife . they are some trifling beings. and my father is the one who have be ocd about cleanliness, and knowing aesthetics. there is only one or two family members' houses I can go live in. Nobody else. people live in dumps. people do not keep a clean nor ordered house

and i read that "acquisition of status" and wonder who we talking about. and btw, these are professional people's houses i talking about eh, with big expensive bmrs, hondas, skodas in the yard.
folk who so big yet have no dryer in their house, and have children. going by they mother to dry clothes. I had a washer and dryer in a rental house in tuskegee, that i left after two years.
i am so intrigued by this topic. the value system

now i walk around like a bum, and even up to saturday my older cousin telling me our yard look like an indian house with three big suv and wagons in the yard. Other folk, when they drop me home, they quietly say, "this where you living?" it took me a while to pick up but is long after i realize what going on. folk dont live so. and i find that amazing.

watch the news.. the homes that incidents occur...the conditions.
quite intriguing..going to read more
___
another thing.. the flip side of folk who living in dumps but styling clean and pretty. are the nouveau riche, folk who just find or get money...go neverseecomesee, but apart from that...they build these obzucky ugly houses that look liked they paid a penalty tax for windows and doors and the sizes thereof, another tax for ventilation in this hot caribbean concrete climate, and like a next annuity for not having greenery, shade and garden. what is that about? how is that possible/ how does a bird build their nest on the open ocean? Or, someone building a house to withstand heat, putting in insulation, no ventilation. is like everything we do transgresses sense and function. that is the home story here in trinidad

i build a house now now. money no factor, and it will be an old tyme structure, grand wrap around gallery, plenty shade, on all sides. ventilation galore, even in the high ceiling, one huge suction fan. huge windows that open out, with push out built in awnings, and french doors everywhere. might not even have windows, just fancy grilling all around. no glass. just mesh to keep out the mosquitoes, flies and bats

is it that "ornamentation' has changed?

"This new socially mobile and emergent middle class may not have been able to build anything like the grand stone castles with turrets "

do you know there was a young rastaman on a hill in fort george who was quarrying stone from his father's land, on that same hill, at the same spot, and building a stone house? is about three years since I was up there, but I sure you all see that house when you driving up. it was not there before. I wonder how far he has gotten. i share that to show you is a consciousness. not money. not mobility, not status thing, except for the zombies. where that young rasta man who seems to be on the fringes get the asethetics for that house, the mind to build himself a house, that is not a shack and the character to mine the stone from the same land instead of looking for old board and throwaways. when i saw him building it i asked him if he would let me live there I would pay him. but then he wanted to marry me say i could not be living on his land and not be his wife. and plus there was no way a woman , even his wife was going to live in a house on the front and he behind. had to run from there once yes. thought i was not going to be found.

i must remember to go look for that house, that man, and when i ready to build mine, let him hire him.

Seems i need to get the person;s work. aspects are cited but not explored in this article. but a fascinating topic. heritage and legacy aesthetics must play a role; and consciousness which i am sure the writer does not even think to include

http://m.guardian.co.tt/columnist/2015-10-25/my-home-my-castle 

Marketing Maven Murals

Stuart Davis MuralDetail#2 

(something about this piece, the colors, the abstracts appeals to this blog)"becoming a connoisseur,” "And that means being more specialized 

and searching for things other people will not realize are important.”

 I was wondering why and how I was up . and with no plans to go to sleep though i prepared for it twice.

someone just wrote something fascinating in response to what ms. columbia should do to seize her moment, and build a brand and a life plan from it.. it got me thinking...what might i do with the whole package of me that fascinates, has me with haters galore, admirers from afar, many enemies and a cadre of frightened bitchens (those are males in case you wondering). me being oya, others' perception of me as iron, shango, osain, all manner of things: fire breathing dragon, bitter and just tonight i was realizing, I dont hold water in my mouth is the saying, nor do my fingers seize on keyboards...i flow like water, raging, cleansing, eroding...what might could i do with the last twelve fifteen years. then I wrote it to the person who brought the inspiration, not knowing, apparently, that they are are marketing exec, and ignoring the hashatags in the person's message, the last one being: #hiremeasyourmanager

had I gone to bed, I would have missed that.

relatedly or not, on another friend's post, the very words I thought of when reading all the comments about harvey: "you had one job" and i shared how i am surprised of people's responses to his gaffe..cause he is an ace clown, fool coon, what else would be expected. and somewhere deep dark and in the recesses it occurs to me that the truth of all things L> persons, situations, character, competence, water level, water tables, quality...everything, shows up . at some time. who harvey is despite his writing of wrecked books on marriage after he went through three (rolls eyes looking at you), and being this jester on family feud having families acting one set of ratchet...here we are. embarrassing a woman in what is already a frazzled, or so we think, catwalk. whatever. but it further got me thinking.. my truth is yet to come out , yet to be revealed. I am far more than the cardboard cutouts of people see me in their one dimensional frames. so we shall see if this is the time and the calling. It shure* does appear as it could be

and then i get to this post...the darkest of times can bring the brightest of light. that is all I have been looking for, these last few years, and the last year in particular, having felt I have gotten over all the bitterness of recent times, I hope. i been living carillie while folks have been playing at their lame life with henny. and it is not to say i dont have all the good things.. shit. I had lamb, tomatoes and frittata for breakfast this morning. and had two stiff straight rums with my okra and rice, cabbage and veg dinner, while I extrapolated on all things agriculture with some fboys///but it is these lame folks all about me, passing judgment, and playing spades as if their hands hold anything of fortune or value, so i know, i gotta keep playing hands and rounds, cause I know this lame shit cant be my final station.

======

trying to link last night to tonight. 'something in there some how'

i did two things I have not done in years, together.

wear makeup . and had on five inch wedge heels

made very obvious for their style and color: broad roman sandal strapping, in grey, and suede to boot. and the whole wedge heel wrapped to the edgings, were camel colored leather.

my cousin was impressed and enamored. and my make up was just merely matting powder and some real powerful longstay lipstick. in red.

i had on old clothes as usual. beige shorts now held up with a leather belt and a grey linen top.

my cousin told me so many things that had me deeply bemused

the first that i wear makeup remarkably well

that once i put on, makeup, i get transformed.

that i know how to wear makeup

that i become sophisticated

and because of all of that people who are accustomed to seeing me bumming will hate me because of how perfected i become

girlfriend even said if she was doing a class on makeup and presenting she would use me as a model. smh. i was really stunned. this coming from one of my biggest haters.

then the best part was, i had to change the way i walked in them damned high heels. even took my slippers with me as I fully expected to get back to them. never happened. wore the heels all night.

she told me i was switching harder than a corner ho

and all i can think about is my ex saying my behind is like a ten year old boys'

but i know that to be more of a mere indication of the women of his tastes,. rather than any accurate description of my behind

but the best part of all of that, is when I was putting the make up on, I heard how "everybody. everybody, and so she starts outlining names of who, are all shocked that "i am not working my potential", "why I walking around looking so old" and it was explained to me cause in their sphere women dont walk around without makeup...what she did not say, was tight clothes and all the markers of presenting one self for consumption and consummation (whataever that is)

but that was all marked indelible in my mind last night

all while she told me her boyfriend, the love of her life, the marker of her experiences, Jerry, who was an Express photographer..she dreamed of him and i was in the dream. all on the same night that she told me her father did not like him and I never knew that, I knew Jerry as a little girl. and how uncle dennis did not like him because he was a small islander.... and this afternoon it hit me. perhaps that dream, Jerry came to tell her to let up on me. that the same way he was disliked by dennis for nothing and bullshit, is the same way I am wrongly despised and misunderstood. but I have not told her yet.

But cant help but think last night, the makeup , the heels, the movement to what i dont know and an insistence to find my right water table and rightful level...might be all connected somehow.

I am claiming this imaging for my life: everything

The Mas of Matriarchy

"This is why I laugh when some of you speak about matriarchy and women. Women who are left holding the bag due to circumstances beyond their control is NOT Matriarchy."  Ebony Cecilia

==============

wwopoo woo. sah!

" Women who are left holding the bag due to circumstances beyond their control is NOT Matriarchy. "

i am in a family filled of women calling themselves matriarch.

who did not buy shit, build shit, create shit, invest in shit, build no businesses, backed no children in businesses, but circumstances, merely, their parents dying and they left with the family house, all of a sudden, they matriarchs

matriarchs who refuse entrepreneurship, who refuse those with vision the chance, a quarter, a space, to try and build their own

wow. now that i am writing i am seeing, they probably refused me cause they could see I would have been successful, and then how could i be permitted to show them up??

so denial. that is their matriarchal legacy

they think keeping me off the street is the shinizzle. no babe. that is my privileged right of my blood line that did not start nor was it imbued with you.

thanks for giving me the outlet to realize that

_----------

then i wake up this morning and remember /realize all the women, just two, calling themselves matriarchs, were all helped . all given. all looked out for by land and house, by their parents, by aunts who whispered to their parents, and by daughter who got loan to help rebuild house

But me, they deny. telling me to do on my own, get my own. 

i have always told them they judging me for what I have done and survived that NOT ONE of them ever did. and charging me to do what NONE of them could have, or had to do to get what they call "their own" today. Blasted Hypocrites

humans are something else

Black Man of the Year 2015 - Zack Linly

Guest Blog

"
Yo, I keep seeing these memes on my news feed about how black women don't know shit about Dorothy Dandridge, Ella Fitzgerald, Lena Horne ect... but they idolize Marilyn Monroe... and I'm liiiiiike *breaks out binoculars* WHERE?????
Fam, I been around black woman my whole life...
I got nothing but black women in my family. I've gone to predominantly black schools. Until I moved from LA, I lived in a predominantly black neighborhood. I've dated pretty much exclusively black women and the majority of my female friends are black.

I have yet to meet a single black woman in my 3 decades plus of life who idolize Marilyn fuckin Monroe. I mean, I'm sure some of them are fans (tho I can't think of one who's ever said so... certainly not to the extent you'd imagine one would who calls her an idol) but I ain't see a single Marilyn Monroe poster in a black woman's house ever... and I once saw a portrait of Black Jesus shaking Tupac's hand with Biggie's face in the upper right corner... I seen THAT but no Marilyn.
Could it be... and I'm just spit balling here... but could it be that niggas have run out of reasons to bash black women that kinda, sorta (but not really) have some basis in reality and are now just making up shit?
I'm sure many of us have seen the meme claiming that (black) women will pay for a pole dancing class but won't pay for a cooking class... cuz, you know... black women not knowing how to cook is totally a thing that exists... Again, been around black women my whole life and can't think of a single one off top that couldn't throw down in the kitchen should she choose...
But hey, maybe yall have. Maybe you live in a world full of non cooking black chicks... and leprechauns... and purple unicorns... and Marilyn Monroe's Chicken and Waffles chain restaurants.
Maybe you've seen a reality that somehow eludes the rest of us.
Or...
Maybe you bitter ass negros have had your wittle feewings so thoroughly hurt by black women spurning your advances... or expecting your child support on time... or attending and graduating from college at more than double your rate... that you've been driven. fucking. mad..
You're seeing shit that just ain't there
You're suffering from a rare condition called "schitzophrenigga"
You've gone full hotep (you never go full hotep)
Anyway, Ima gon head and step off this here soapbox.
Black women, I love yall...
I love yall in the kitchen, in the class room, in the streetz and on the pole.
Stay beautiful."

Zack Linly

Woe's Man of the Year. The EverPresent Lie Defied by Every Single LIving Female

men are such superb complete liars. not from my judgment. just from their words and this award.

i mean, the chemistry and biology proves how much they are made up of a lie...afterall...their first formation as a human is as a female fetus. all along as he grows and lives, after birth, he is called male and man when in fact he was just given an imbalanced allele to make him appear other than he is: woman/female.

it is why they are so intrinsically female yet trained, beaten and altered to be stoic and unnatural.

but this is the pinnacle of the western this domination and civilization lie.

they do everything better than us, even being female, but yet, we remain the portal, body, being and pussy they emerge from. who is it that has the envy?

let this show and teach you one truth, no matter how total they plaster the land with a pr, there is a lie denied and a truth promoted and told just by looking at your clit in the mirror. every single one of you females. if you cant think it through, check your lips. that is proof. now, when are you going to wake up

they compare the strong black ones they can never beat to horses, those most elegant of four legged creatures. for her strength is as a load bearer with double strengths, and then they tell the white ones the pinnacle of your being is a man.

 

Free Girls

some silly things end up being the richest.

i posted this meme up and only males liked it

then the comments got me thinking..most of them off the rails.

indicating a truth unacknowledged

the ones more in pursuit and need of marriage than females

there is so much wrong with this meme:

who is doing fairy tales. ? I never did. my whole life. never my construct

because of that I ended up being this wild wolf chick --doing all those adventurous things, traveling the world, being free, untethered. never looking for anyone

then the meme makes a dichotomy of marriage or a life

that is amazing to me. since I always was just trying to find and make a life, and being sensible enough to make the journey enjoyable...accomplishing that with flying colors it appears

But i realize from watching women around me my whole life, people dont live life, they just live markers, make markers. touch goalposts, and that might be why the divorce rate is so high, so many separations and broken homes.

so i dont look for marriage, or wait for questions, never did/. I am doing the bikes, the whisky. and when you do that, you find your companions one would think? but no. because even the ones you might be chinksing glasses with, already made their mistakes or have their people home waiting for them, and i am still that wild amazing companion bringing table, laying it out, and being fantabulous. and i know now in a place like trinidad, people fraid people like that. and women like that cant be contended /worse yet/ no one has the tools, the freedom.

for to have female friends is problematic. and free female friends untenable.

even the males supposedly free, catch a horror if is them and not their friend keeping company, and keeping company must mean something. some fk passing. because of the jealousy that runs like veins and their cowardice, trembling in fear they are not free to honor their emptiness not defied. i can run you off a list of names of boys as old as 70 or more who just want to notch their belt, be seen, pose and perpetrate, make empty promises, or when they find they really are buddies and friends with you, some day, one day will come when they pull back, not because it going anywhere but because they not free. who sister want to curtail and control and be involved with them. what sister talks of her brother's 'totee'? heard that one day in the presence of his ex wife and no one batted an eye. dont know if she was trying to encourage me. or same sibling will say she, your friend using you/ this time you eh ask a damn soul for nothing but bitchens hate to see a dark black african woman, full in her self yemoja.. being treated well, and be free. the two they not accustom, far rarer still for both in one fine body. then the women, their women, their wives, their girlfriends. all that they not doing, they cant do, and vex with you cause you free. and even with family, females only i see/ woo sah.

jealousy and resentment

I was supposed to do the former and be shackled in a marriage, functional, beautiful, useful or not.

and if even i didnt i aint dare not be so free to do it all and by myself. what "lifestyle" is that?

It has been amazing to me and I dont think i have yet before today admitted it ---being free is the most revolutionary thing you can do on the slave plantation. just being yourself. not even accomplishing a damn thing, doing nothing, wasting away your talents even, but doing it beautifully, freely, untethered, uncurtailed. WOW> throw your ass under the jail they try to build in futility that could never hold nor restrict you.

so i could write, I would want a companion to share my same activities in that list and someone can look to tell me bring it to the table..because we are locked in that mindset. I could never be writing from doing it, living it,.offering it. I have to be writing of wanting it. you cant want something you already do, did, and expertly too. in fact, you propose and offer it and nary one of them neither able or capable to run with it. so you exceed and succeed them once again. and without any bitterness of not having, being left, horned, told no, disputed.

my ex two days ago asked me how come I am looking so good, to what is the reason for my bloom...he expected to hear of some man, the one thing perennially absent. and not pining.. mostly watching , reading and laughing of the travails of my sisters holding on by fingernails, but the situation i observed the most for the last year and a half was a man afraid to say, 'i dont want you'

just being a woman , one is perceived to be with my hand out and none ah dem figure out yet whatever you may bless me with, you not qualified. set a mystified, unpedigreed , controlled cowards, uttering emptiness not even as valuable as the wind. i keep coming back to how bereft they are to even honor their word, nothing else that they have. and not even that.

stop. and wonder. why did the girl say no?

this meme is a treasure trove to deconstruct

how patriarchy has confined and confused so much

 for the free girls like me:
{who we are and what we do says and prevails far more than what we pretend.
we are all presented with the same meme.
I focus and comment on the life: the bikes, the whisky..
you focus on 1. asking someone to marry you, 2. the brand out there.
someone else focuses on what i bring to the table.
and guess what?> if all of us were doing bikes,whisky, golf, hunting and fishing, we would have no sad tales.
interesting uh>
no need to wonder. we all on different vibrations
I am the man who is the girl, who never said no, cause i not even waiting or looking for questions, never heard no, cause i was just living.}

that is the difference. guess i dont read what is not my vibration wink emoticon'

Social Character, Fabric and Capital to National Development, An Insert to the Book

"so many stories to tell and document"

i wake up thinking about all the interesting subjects about me to write on.

then i stumble onto another one...`

the art of war in petty local identity politics, game of thrones, treasury thieves of spoils.

[one playing chess, very shrewd samurai chess. the other bumbling. always behind the curve, and doing nothing original in moves , thinking or strategy, while managing to stay above the fray and ugliness.

neither is better. they are both the same, we have said that.

But i cant deny the game of one. real war. replete with the distribution of the spoils. and i see it that way cause that is demand. to separate the people serious about life, and move appropriately. sorry eh, i real writing in code here, along several lines, and way beyond the apparently insipid local petty politics. but some serious art of war has been displayed and I just taking notes. and recognize who i never want to be, even when it is on both sides, but to learn the art of war, game of thrones , of a kind...very rich]

i wrote a lot about that during the year of the election preparation

it is rich to mine: the personalities, the caricatures, the absolute lack of nobility, the thievery, the arrogance, the absolute silence and impotence of anyone to stop them, the opposition that are like deer in lights and all they can do is grandcharge and bray, but bringing nothing of substance in pushback. I find that amazing. when you juxtapose the grassroots, streets black reality of black males, and females, the fights, the shoots, the chops, the easy offense and reaction, yet, of the elites, a complete seeming emasculation in the males and a full muteness of females. if that is not worthy of writing and building up for a small island nation such as this I dont know what is. I wish i Had a qualified brilliant partner though...like how there are fabulous partnerships in film, it would be lovely to have a partnership for books.

-------

the other subject I thought to write about is i guess something akin to miguel street and something alley, you know those type books that outlined and painted for us our known cultural characters and personalities that exist in every village, hamlet and neighborhood. It would be interesting to ask and peruse if those tropes and archetypes still exist for today?

but i thought to highlight the trinidad character. how it seems to me that all and sundry seems to be borne, made and carried by an internal core of nagging termite ridden lack of confidence, that even when one is supported, one looks for the reason of deceit, proof of distrust. how that lack of confidence ends in so much treachery, the blocking and marginalization of so many, the ineffect of so much attempt to anything, violence, the breaking up of almost every kind of connection and relation,

but somehow added to this is the very sane truth of everybody is mother cunt trying to fuck you up, thief your talent, destroy your gifts, and blight your good. can you imagine a small place where those two realities exist side by side?

though this is to be a book on character personality, it gets to elements totally absent in our culture, ideas and concepts such as social fabric, social capital,-- the ideas that get people working together, keeping their back, holding their tether when they attempt to fly, standing at the ladder to make sure they do not fall.

i think there are different characters now in this time: the lochos, the fuckboys, the variations of the emasculated coward male, i actually wonder if all the hypermasculinity, bravado and chest thumping are all rather proof of emptiness, meremaleness and the absence of any lofty idea of man noble.

again, i would need partnership, i would want to hear of the female descriptions and forms

I am minded to think of the treachery of people, both men and women, in different ways, whether they be relations or strangers..the idea that there is no one to trust with closed eye. that if they have not yet bared their teeth give them time, rope, road and opportunity, if not corners.

and to make it relevant, how is all of this effecting our evolution as a nation?

and that is the big value of these ideas

Killing Fields of the Good Ones

it is really interesting to me how it is only black males who are killed and gunned down in the streets, at their homes, here in trinidad.

i did learn just two saturdays ago that not all murders are reported or made public. so i dont know if indian males are killed

but it is interesting to me how it is only black males who are killed and gunned down in the streets, at their homes, in their neighborhoods. here in trinidad. especially Especially when the one pulling the trigger, is an indian
ask Jamal Khan, Nafeesa Mohammed's nephew

it is also interesting to me how in recent weeks, since independence day, there have been a spate of murders of black males, all in their under thirty, who come from decent people, living decent lives, no police record, no known illegal criminal activity or such associates, with children, and decent public service jobs...two of them I knew personally . one was a cousin the other a neighborhood citizen. his father and parents living in the same place and neighborhood for decades, sixty and more..

i can tell you about my cousin's killer cause he spent twenty four hours in the hospital calling his name. ask Jamal Khan, Nafeesa Mohammed's nephew

but what sent me to write this post, after the family take chain up from the police to keep this silent, it is unreported, not in the media, I dont even know if there is a police record, despite the police presence with the family, and hospital police attendant for they were afraid people would be sent to finish the job...is that folk still are delusional in this place. they still think you have to have dirty hands to get killed, that you have to be illegal or criminal to lose your life and wellbeing. and it aint so no more. i used to think that too until two murders in my sphere since Independence

and hear my cousin's story
his father sent him out to play a number that was on his mind.

around 6pm two saturdays ago, the 21st. in bagatelle sanjuan. down the road from john. at the red crix snackette shop. evidently, someone was kille din the area i dont know how long ago or recent, and jamal''s gang came round to settle score. the boys/gang in the hood went running, my cousin, walking up the road, he did not scamper. what you running for you not in nothing, you not about that life. he kept on walking. reach the snackette, bonce up gunman khan. khan ask him where the boys run to. cousin say he dont know. gunman khan , nafeesa mohammed's nephew, pulls out gun in waist and shoots my cousin. Andre McCleod.

shit happens when demons roam
and no body knows about it when the police tell you to keep it on the down low.

i did not sign up for chain up. and after a next murder, of another good looking by all accounts decent black male, maligned because, "people dont get gunned down so, I am stating it plain.
do you know why the guy in my neighborhood got killed?

cause his baby mother's new manicou was grooming his girl child for abuse. playing with her belly button enough for the child to be discomforted, enough to tell and complain to her father. five years old. the father told the wannabe to do not touch his child. imagine the pain of not being able to remove your child. the more i ponder how much injustice and offense people must swallow in day to day living is a wonder i dont have acid reflux. well manicou wannabe gangsta man send bullets for the brother yes. Independence morning at a home lime on 6th ave. 1:30in the morning. thirteen bullets, that started with him sitting in a chair. Kevon Smith/

and these men go, bloodied and murdered, and still ignorant citizens get to wash their twisted ignorant mouths on them. i fedup.

so here. is a record. if they come for me, this might be one reason, though you have bloggers and so called journalists sending touts and street criminals to your door. the place is a dangerous place. you never know from what hind or quarter your assailant. they may sit and work in polished offices like khan, be paid by millionaire middle eastern ministers to blog for their party's election chances to tief and lord knows what else..or they may be the other party's honcho. her nephew.

ask Jamal Khan, Nafeesa Mohammed's nephew.

say a prayer
for the slaughter

somebody's got to write the record
it might as well be the family's writer

Maori Haka: Male Manhood, Masculinity > Cultures and Traditions

i cant watch this without my mind racing.

so soul stirring.

i see this and i see what possibly might be the broken and missing link in the diaspora..in places where indigenous cultures were destroyed and corrupted, people ripped away from their patterns, their traditions, their practices. strong bonds around gender, the role of males. i mean. can you look at these men and think anything but power. singlemindedness of a life and living>? the disparateness says something to me. but i need to learn more about that part of the world, I had a colleague there, a trini, actually, and we lost touch. when i first saw this video, I wondered about violence, what is the incidence of violence among women. (clan) comes to mind. that is closest to the word I was looking for above but only cult was coming and that is totally wrong. but cultural forms, the unbridled core and groundedness of cultural norms that appear to grip its citizens, and keep them in a line, creates this vibration of power and togetherness, honor.

i dont know if i am projecting. but there is much here to excavate, for there, and for over here...
what is the experience of western religions in that pacific region?

ALL BLACK, huh?
okay!

 -----------------------


Male and Masculinity: Cultures and Traditions, A Global Review
who is doing that work? not just in their little space where they stand or hole where they are rooted, but who is looking at their landscape and comparing it to places elsewhere, cultures, traditions, religions, indigenous and western?
i am now realizing as with most things...we dig our deaths and then proclaim it noble, worthy, valuable, legitimate, not knowing that we are beta and below.

it is deep
‪#‎whatisyourhaka‬

Blacker Berry: Resource Economic Theory of InterRacial Dating/ White Privilege Still Rules

(this pic i realize now is funny, given its subject matter match and its far background
that i did not see at first. sigh)

yeah. this post allows me to show myself

been holding this in for a good week or two

completely confused as to how and why it is, most of the hoteps,

for all that they present and promote, when the curtains are pulled

and their associations are revealed, it is always these light near white

evidently pillared beauties, that they are not left private, no but trounced, runwayed, and photographs abounding presenting to the world, "see, what i have accomplished"

i see it. i know what it is. i know what it is about, and nothing comes ever so bulls eye to prove your personal deceit.

how come your women arent black berries, black man?

then i remember last night i was thinking about the "everybody should be able to love everybody crew" usually coming from white women full on in entitlement, the same entitlement that defines patriarchy, and white supremacy.to anything and everything no matter what manner or level of dissonance, if i feel to kkk you on sunday but sleep with you on saturday night, that is my prerogative.../ white women's response to the backlash when people wonder about the black men they are with..and it occurred to me last night, i am waiting to see one of those white women tell their white men, to find and mate black women, to create and encourage forums where they meet, engage, and date. that...they are just as beautiful, valued and preferred as a choice. have never said or done any one of them ever.

the racism, the privilege, the choice, the entitlement,

dont be thrown off your center of your own entitlement

and if you are maligned, and allotted just a minimal of resources, and the other who maligns you comes to choose from your bag too and theirs, yet you have no access to theirs. what is that?

straight up resource economics hun.

Nafeesa Mohammed's Nephew Jamal Khan Priced the Soul of Andre Mc Cleod

the deceased, my cousin, Andre McCleod

i have so many things to say.

wonder if i will remain living among these demons for talking/writing

waiting for confirmation of an id.

but let me tell you this trinidad

all the people who are killed and murdered,

are not one, reported in the news

two, makes me wonder if it is even lodged in police records

and three, the police sometimes tell family to keep quiet and keep the matter out of the news. and not to talk to anyone.

i learned today at the family funeral

for my deceased cousin who called the name of his killer/shooter for two days before he died...

that all of that was the case.

and i am pissed and sad

cause my family take real chain up

they did not for one moment realize

to agree to silence means, that if the police decide to let this cretin off the hook, as they do for most people connected, of society or relatives of politicians,of certain ethnic groups, of money, they have no recourse. there is no record. no one knows of it.

it is a nephew of a politician who killed my cousin Andre Mc Leod.

a man who has some office job. I did not /. i forgot to commit that fact to memory: where he works. but he works in an office.

so the other thing i am telling you:

four, the people who have business, who you support, purchase from and maintain, who you sip cocktails with on the circuit, interact in places of repute...have blood on their hands, carrying the spirit of those who they cut down

ask Nafeesa Mohammed about her nephew Jamal Khan/

and let him tell you of Andre McLeod

what the story is...he shot him cause their khan clip showed up in bagatelle to get some guy who killed another guy (was any of that in the news?)...when the boys showed up the hood guys ran...they were running in the direction of Andre walking in the opposite direction. the clip or khan asked andre' where they boys, did you see them. Andre said he saw no one. and khan pull out gun and shoot. an office employee

who is protecting who? to speak and tell the truth?

how many lives in vain? cut down like weeds

and we think everybody who is gunned down is in something about something

i have learned twice this year since Aug 31, that aint so

now the odd thing, which is why i been saying crime could never solve and stop in trinidad ...and i used to say it when i realized that the police you hire..you dont think they come from a neighborhood> that they went to school with other people > who themselves turn bandit, gangsta and murderer? and in this place where school affiliation, life long friendships, relations and connections is everything, why you think a police gonna turn in his childhood friend who kill adam in another neighborhood or place?

at the funeral yesterday, a gang was present. if i tell you how i think i knew, i might be wrong.  but the clip of young boys, the choice of bandannas on their heads, either in white or red. i remember the latter most pronounced. all my cousin's people. now he is in no gang, but he grew up with all those boys. so what i am showing you is that in this small place and space, you do not separate from those you have always known, who may have entered life, behavior and realities separate and different from your own.

my cousin and i, both empaths, crystals and sensors, entered the cemetery for burial/ at the gathering of the funereal, the people, I could not breathe. hours later when I dared to tell him about it, he tells me he was in pain, his lower back was hurting him. we were sensing something real.

these are ways in which people become untouchable, and then there is another layer of the untouchables, the money, the skin, the ethnicity, the indian, the politician family, the town folk..or what ever designation you all are worshipping on any given day?

A Black Man Theorizes Feminism, and Growing Trends of Black Female Violence

 Ozy Meriq's Graphic

 Brian TriniOne Lewis:

"I absolutely do not agree that the Violent Female behaviour we constantly see in videos is a general youth problem. It is not.

This would have been true if we were seeing a similar increase in violence amongst Male students. We are not.

It is not by chance that just about all the videos we see involve Females.

Even in 'developed' countries we see this increase in Violent Females also.

Honest assessment of the effects of the messages and conditioning of Feminist values and it's impact on the home and children must be examined.

The fact is that many Females are being raised in female authority homes, attend schools with mostly female teachers, in a society that says Females can strike males and they cannot strike Females. This is their Normal.

Females are the ones that get away with striking their children. Males are taught not to hit. Females are taught that it is okay to hit and Fight for your rights.

The fact is now time has seen removal of Social Inhibitors to control violent and other poor behaviour in Females.

But, you know what - very few Females agree with what I am saying as it is always a Males fault and focusing on their own genders' bad ways is a no-no.

Right now, 90% of Female readers are processing thoughts to cuss me, personalize my statement to indicate I am 'toting personal issues' or wish they could slap the stupid out of me. Anything to deflect the cause of the issue elsewhere."

==--------------------

And this piece of writing made me ask, how come Feminism has not advocated violence in its long history of a movement?


--------

MH:  i think you should flesh this out, i was trying to understand and get to the nitty gritty but i am not clear. I need you to get behind each paragraph you wrote. feminism does not advocate violence, and i know that so well, your post got me wondering and pondering how come they have never.

 

 this is a deep subject though. i keep thinking on it. and what just came to me is that it is now the women's turn..to internalize violence in this hemisphere as the men did decades ago and still ongoing...all the shootings, the stabbings, ...that is what i see. if this was a feminist construct, they would be violent against the men, not so.

The problem is not feminism, the problem is deeper, wider, grander...

After and now that the men are mostly destroyed, the women now are destroying themselves 

Angel of Golden Light

Angel of Golden Light by Charles Bibbs & Synthia Saint James

some retard degenerates i wake up to find out are so "sick of seeing fight videos of children and students" they made up a group out of it and called it Fight Club. six of them. no doubt to post and share more videos

and i woke up thinking how stupid and retarded people are here. I struggle to be positive amidst so much ugly . from home to public.i learned in my work life if you dont talk to people and they dont know your business they make up stories about you. same thing for the streets, the neighborhood if you have any presence, dealings or even if you are seen there. i realize this morning the home with your relatives, haters, saboteurs is the same thing. and i realize in trinidad, all are haters and saboteurs. you have to be really skilled to see it. people also equally feign friendship, support, interest, but at best, it is to know your business, to block you, to willfully refuse to help you, while they tell you "i am fresh out of ideas" when you did not ask them for ideas, you asked them to help you navigate a specific path, situation and outcome, that they are mum about. but you see them / frenemies. and enemies.

from father, to aunt, to mothers, to cousins.

i have been writing these stories / since 2010

writing even the stories and episodes of thieves and manipulators they do not know about, but twist to what can suit their own warped minds

i tell myself how strong i must be to live with and under the conditions that i do. i marvel at how everyone envy's my life and appearance. the ironer/ cleaner, my friend tells me all the time, up to last she was here, how she wishes she had my life.. but i realize now it is that she is depressed. when she was leaving after she sat in the gallery relaxing, having tea, and dinner, it was cool there rather than on the dining table where she usually eats, and our gallery is one full swoop and great room from bar to stern of the kitchen/dining room, so she was still indoors, secured indoors...anyway, she said as her son came to pick her up: i wish i was never born or not here or something crazy so. and that is when i realize. but people who meet me as high up as carlos john and i mean how much money beyond duprey you could steal, except now for sis people and owner, carlos john tell me too how i always look like i have money.so i eh know what it is these people see or dont see, but my story always finds itself in suspension some wheres unknown between my reality and others' experiences and exposures, i just dont compute

in the last five years, i have had the most amount of stories spoken, told and whispered about me and none of them be true, but it does not stop the people speaking them.. not if they know nothing of me except I live in a neighborhood, or they know nothing about me other than where i live, and sleep in a bedroom salon sandwiched between theirs, i have had relations of what kind i do not know, ruined for talk , i have completely practically removed myself from family for endless dynamics of sabotage, jealousy, badmind, resentment, mostly all coming from women, and one sole male, a cousin. and the more i recently learned of males being more female in character and vibration than women, the more i see it every single time i bring to mind this cousin. and when i consider most males. there is a wild femaleness...erratic emotions, wild mood swings between moon and full on equatorial sun. the explosions, the violence, all of that is an attempt to them to transcend their weakness, as they see it, their femaleness. never to be that.

i did not expect to find myself writing this subject this morning, i fell into it. wanted to go back to sleep but the litany of treatment came to me after these two women here and their latest attempt to hurt, or sideline me. the funny thing is now, I just make sure and tell/ i no longer conspire with enemies. i dont keep their secrets. I dont shield for them. and i now dont even wait for questions. last night. immediately. i wrote marlon and roderick/ the latter knows and sees their darkness since he know himself. the former is the brother of the recently deceased/

when people talk of being persecuted like jesus, believe them/ interrogate even if you have to. i can support that theory/ we are given these myths and archetypes by which to mark and understand our lives. maybe even too, our purposes, our inhabitations, which may explain why certain experiences and not others. i now find it equally intriguing and not so much that I would be called a high priestess, an incarnation of maat and have so many persons about constantly showing their scales of heart versus feather. it is like how they make and send you, is the first key of what you came to do, what you came to experience, and how you are to somehow find a way to make it through.

ah yes. I was talking about retard and degenerates

and all yesterday I mused how one is to find and keep one's humanity amidst so much ugly, and how it is they made me to keep gleaming, gleaning, glinting and shining despite all the weight of ugly and deprivation put upon me but so it is. so it is. it has nothing to do with me. It is neither my dance, nor luggage, and this is not customs, I dont have to explain a damn thing. just keep on breathing and being beautiful like sunripened mangopeaches from a superfluously producing tree