trying to get right- after the rabbit hole

 

this morning written:

i wake up thinking about alignment, right order of things
about reversing ones own frustration of why bother to
return to origins, you do what you can, you live your ideals,
you elevate to transcend, you purpose to stay pure, even in the midst of powerlessness, when all things have fallen apart. it is not to say -what is the use and give in to all manner of self destruction -that wont do

and life is a crap shoot. those who dont smoke end up with lung cancer, and chimneys live strong to be 105. but maturity to which we beg must always ask, if i end up in a bind, would i regret the path i took to bring me here. or are we to avoid things and people that will land us in predicaments. but the wild bird in me will ponder whether that is truly living. it is arguable.

but i nonetheless wake up thinking about a life i have been hounded, talked to, read and instructed for years, if not all my life starting with parents and relatives-- to pray. to pray . to pray

i now pause to wonder why and how it is i have been told so many times by odd and regular characters to do such, said: pray. It is like the riddle that had all and sundry telling me not to smoke. somethings become uncanny after awhile > a mystery to unfold an answer

overall it is to live a life of purity when i think of this alignment-- though i struggle to keep to a regimen, so far out of my own course I am: but to eat healthy, pristine, raw, organic, green-- in this green paradise that we cut down daily, imagine fresh wheatgrass is as nonexistent as the polar bear or an emotionally balanced mature head

even writing that i wonder what must i do to entertain only emotionally mature psychobalanced evolved beings and not broken demon shards parading as persons. should i just come out and ask them? even the newest and most celebrated turn out to be frauds if, when and thus, just a little research to see what exists outside this farce of a place

i think one big calling is to protect my energies, my aura, my body and my spirit, the hardest thing to do if you are not a hermit and even then it is impossible given where one is living, with whom, around what and which.. last night strangers came into a neighbor's yard to wash two cars and i gather one was dripping oil or gas of a kind so they sprayed degreaser, and for some odd reason, that garage, car port is to my house and salon as a windtunnel: whatever happens there and in the street there is sucked into my room as if an industrial fan sucks it for dear life...to reside with me. why lord. how is it that i would be so cursed? so i had to leave the salon and retreat to the great room and the open gallery. the smell of chemical, petrochemicals and spray degreaser hung in my room as if clothes on a hanger. for a long time. i think a point i am making is that so many others of the 1. 3 1.9 million are intent on killing and destabilizing you there really is no need for you to be aparty to the whole thing. redress and combat it; resist and fight it. the old adage of dont fight evil with evil and sourness but with love and kindness

sigh

this life of no control
that is the point, so instead of letting everything go, the call is not to recant, but to hold the reins for what you can control. to have resolve for a certain kind of living. in the meantime, and in the mean while, do what you can. stand firm. stand strong.

and it does get overwhelming. yesterday was one of those days. to see the level of evil the state of israel, the many in this globe who are of less agency, power, choice and safety than me and my petty gripes in comparison, just paralyzes the voice, and you wonder to what point your life. mindless fun and adventures get boring after awhile. failed pursuits embitters; and if you are an empath, well sorry for you- drown in the malaise of morose meted out to others weaker than you- are they??

but it is all bemusing to me
it is like i am a snap back rubber band
tightly held in early life and cut as to be open in later life
and struggling the in between at the station of my unfamiliar
but better get familiar, cause there is no past, there is no future
literally, seriously, that is what this place looks like...

i wrote a line on tuesday about this place's persistent, resistant commitment to futility and frustration---

there is only now and here
so can we at least live that as beautifully and pristine as possible and permittable?

let me get my adjustment on and crazy packed back in
i was just cleaning out to dust out the chest


----------------------
last night written:

i fell down a rabbit hole early this year 2013 and i have yet to regain my footing/ my path have been full of edge hills and pastoral chases, precipices and quick sand beaches...and every time i think i see a clearing through the forest, or a river to exit out, i am really falling deeper/ wills to graver outcomes.

i realize this a moment ago.

i am programming myself from now this must end. this will be the year that i did. and not more. no more. and this is the reason why my tab of living is so high

that rabbit hole was as a result of being at the bottoms
and not the mountainside or hills
the character of partners emblematic of those realities and conditions
it has been a wild year indeed
free slack independent visionary slave
never a consort be

i have terrain to retrain
and still they call me
Ancient High Priestess Queen/

Sickness of No Name

what i put my hand to spins gold.
despite my recent slump
music in the bamboo (c) April 21 2013) was proof
small, intimate, but smooth, elegant, lovely, enchanting, and top class for a small budget, my sole bank account on E.
not a guest complained
more than that all proclaimed the grand time had by all.
at $50K invested by me and mine
my idea. my creation, my lead, my brand
everyone knows and testifies

and what thanks did i get?
undermining, mistreatment,
jealousy, envy, and letting enemies come to sow evil seed
with my partner's consent and participation
deceit bleeds your blood
i bailed

the next event/parang
put on by the least and his cohort consort,
cousin absent of hand, competence and loyalty
bombed

i now get a call
"putting a team together and want my presence"
 for bob/music in the bamboo, another of my creation
slated for me and bob's birthday Feb 6, 2014
to be held on Feb 9, 2014

"a team together" ?!?!
the team that was me and you?
that was the success of April 21?
that was dismantled and disrespected by you?
such a team?
by you? and your peeps? who for your whole life never put any thing 
and certainly not dollars on your table?
your best friend tell me none such as me ever crossed your path
and you pig behavior testifies to that fact
not everyone knows what to do with pearls

but me $50K gets kicked in the gut, stabbed in the cheek, knifed in the back
go ahead with your team pardner
let your peeps help you. carry you, support you
the ones who only had things to say and questions to ask about me and my motivation
on the life we were building together
until after your bounty and you want to carry on with your same pathos
historic behavior
maes wasnt trying to chop you for no reason

ingrates i dont contend
not in this stage in my life

i gave you everything and even attempted to corral friends and high neighbors
for your interest

hear him: 'giving me the opportunity to be a part'
is a wonder i dont cuss him
but it is testament to the mad pathology i have learned i am dealing with
like one neither talks nor shouts audibly to the deaf
so one does not reason or counter the sickness of the male sociopsychopath

what can one say to another who destroys the best thing that happened to them . ever
and then returns to try to gain the assets back, after shitting on it.
you see dissonance. you see schizophrenia. you see bipolar. you see sickness that have no name/

and i just watch it all like a movie
like i will return to the land , to meet, build and contribute
where my enemies are free to trod, where their hand has planted seed with your consent. yes. like i look mad

no matter what i look like
i am not

carry on

It is Here!!

it is coming. it is on its way. the pieces are all about me.
i just need gather them. or maybe i am to do nothing
and they just be gathered into one/place/location/nexus

land, house, job, project, money, furniture, & furnishings; vocation, avocation, medical school, art agents, event management

#Success #Justice