Smudging the sac·ri·le·gious

in the last six months i can tell you i have observed the growth in numbers of abandoned dogs in my neighborhood. and at first i thought it was their birth rate and the maturing of puppies. yeah, silly universal being me. but it is only now when a crew of them liming at my neighbor's gate come growling in agitation, no doubt a cat in the yard. i look out the window at them. healthy vibrant young strong brown good sized pothounds. these are neither midgets or punk dogs.. and just watching them led me to see it is people abandoning and loosing their dogs to the streets. i am only imagining that feeding them has become a burden

then the irony of the universe continues. the universe sends me a fb acquaintance, one who i have not spoken to in a good long while, yesterday she finds me for chats. she tells me of her crazy "psychotic" controlling overbearing boyfriend who she has decided to "psychologist". proceeds to tell me how much i have changed by my one line answers; that i am depressed, and the least i can do is get out and flirt and find a boyfriend to bring some lag time in my dearth of submerged life. she offers to go with me and may take her five month daughter to a visit to the library., and asks me if i want to be friends. after i closed and said good night i see she wrote me 'i need a friend'. i feel sorry. and i am sharing this under cover, but as much as i need a friend, that is not the firend i need. i cant have any more friends that are of no value, help and agency to me. i cant have anymore friends that are doing just as bad or worse then me. i dont need any help in the crazy department, though that be a whole different crazy to mine. i dont want any friends who are taking and keeping these crazy males out here, 'losing themselves' subjugating and humbling themselves' for what purpose I have no idea, oh, 'the sex is a distraction' no. i want more from my sex, thanks. the kind i realize very few people or women ever experience in their lives, or is it that they do and that is why we who are unknowing see so many "stupid women" all about the place taking all manner of treatment for the experience none of us have ever had. i am writing it in that form as a discovery that alerted me to its absence in the lives of most women. it really is earth and life shattering. but i am writing a bigger issue that i fear i am not able to capture elegantly

there are a whole bunch of us out here hurting, damaged. and i knew this chick was damaged when i first met her on here. she was actually in a situation being sexually abused by one of our most famous male fb characters. she confided in me then. I raised no alarm, i just tried to be a support but she was using me as a sounding board, an ear and a means to talk through a situation between mutual associates. he of course does not know i know any of this. so a year or two or more later to find her with another sick male and a new daughter, it also gives me something to awe and wonder. it is a means of survival, and she pretty much told me that in plain language. i feel sad for her and for me. i cringed when she asked if we could be friends. but wrote yes. what else can you write. but i have nothing in common with this young lady.. nothing except both of us are drowning in unemployment, underemployment, persecution from family, which she tells me to ignore, that is what she would do if she was a parent too, and that they know no better/ but that is it. i dont want to cultivate a life flirting as a means of distraction, activity or survival.

you know a bigger thing i am not saying that just hit me-- i realize being in trinidad has dulled me. in all ways. dulled my senses, my verve, my energy, my character, my personality, my enthusiasm, to be and do. it has dumbed down my thinking, my light has been brought down to at least ten decibels lower. my friend makemba has and kept the article that was done on me when i landed here. and to watch the large photograph in that article and to see me now is mind blowing. that person in the article is a literal cosmic lightning rod extending that far out into the cosmos. my eyes, the same chinky chinese eyes are now half the size. and my whole being is cowered, having lost a few inches, imagined, seen with the energy field, if not the physical dimensions. no exaggeration. makemba sees it. i did too. i dont need to be closer to that. i dont need any more of that. i dont need to be any closer or lower, to damage, struggle, regressing. god bless her soul but i cant see it. she offers nothing to me for where I want to go.

look, show you how stark this thing is. and i cant write stark and not think game of thrones. i applied to a job yesterday with some heavy syrians, and the application asked for two letters of recommendation of business people. and you know having to scramble for those recommendation pointed something out to me which i am struggling to address in this writing...the very definitive chasmic differences of existence , living, status and corners of a cosmic as exhibited in the ways and lives people are living. i did not have anyone who is matched to their level and existence. and only after I thought I had no one, i went through my phone and listed the business people i have there, but still no comparison. I asked two. i saw one saw my note and did not respond. i wrote an email to the other, and never expected him to respond on a sunday, so i returned to the phone. and fb. and listed all the business people who i have some communication and dealings with. i submitted all their names. i got confirmation and ok from none except one. but my own need and desperation led me to do what should not be done: to list and submit names of people who i do not know if they would stand in the gap for me. I just listed them as travelers and foreigners and unable to tap them for confirmation, so here is a list.

there is even a german man supposed millionaire on that list who has been promising to hire me since July of 2014 to run his mega organic farm. man got banged up in some car accident, put together by pins and metal plates in his body that the latter was giving him allergic reactions so end of last month he returned to germany to have them removed. he lived in tobago. he would call me every month to give me an update of all the lag among him and his millionaire partners, one in canada and another in germany. but it was the last conversation that i said to myself what shit. what person would refuse to move on a project, hold a project up and back because he is not medically fit. why would he not pass his role onto someone else so we can get on with it. I thought that because it was the last conversation where he stated to me that he was the cause for the delay. but it is not all together through, i know from previous conversations it was the bureaucracy of bringing millions of dollars of foreign currency into the country and the clearance and participation needed from the government and central bank. but at this stage, there should be no delays . the impairing and impaired really should get out the way.

but i digress. the point i am making is that life has grown dire. there are no longer chances to dilly , the time for dalliances are over. if you are not coming with a mission to take people over and through, i dont see much usefulness for you. and just as i have been used by others as a vehicle to oil and transfer them further onto greater and brighter lives and conditions, it is because of those experiences I realized and got sick of being the one star in my small solar systems. i have written about it before. no one around me is doing more than me, better than me, aspiring to things , anything, that they can teach or light the way. I am the one with ambition and agitation, and my aspirations are not theirs of cars, clothes, fake local bling, and posing with the endless selfies and duck face. my aspirations are business, self generation, recreation, building empires that i envision and struggle to birth...they cant help me in that. they havent the tools the wherewithal, the creativity or the ideas.

and to not have the people in my life to get two letters to some stupid just excessively money people is just such an indictment of all things and dynamics, i need not be exacerbating that situation or moving in the opposite direction to fixing that. and i dont do compartmentalization. it is like i gotta keep my eyes on the prize, however unlikely and challenging.. in the sense that folk like me dont have those prizes and ambitions . i dont know.

the irony is that i would die for a friend of the soul like Rumi, Gibran or Rilke. I think that is it too, the friendship people are offering you is of the ilk that will kill you, slowly; distractions for sure but in what direction. mind you i just jumped off the distraction train a mere month or two ago. tired and sick of myself  stretching outside myself for comfort and salvation. distractions are a waste of time, at least the ones that i have to give effort for. the useful distractions are gone for the moment; being at the sea, in the bush, taking trips about the island. i have spoken to enough strangers to know we aint doing nothing, aint about nothing than man, women, horn,liquor and song. look. they not even so much into food as I am, so what is the point? let me keep slogging and sloshing through to my imagined goals; without empty weight and baggage, solo.

the other ironic thing is that i am usually the one extending my hand in friendship, here it is offered to me this one time and the arrogant potshit i am, i scorn it. but i am learning i should have been shrewd a long time ago. so not to hurt, but I am just trying to be committed and consistent to my aims

i pray a song for those in need just like me

i keep realizing one must be highly specific and refined in defining one's dreams, wants and wishes. you will be surprised the neverending variation between what you want and the list of options available under that one item, label, name or category. like man. (Rolls Eyes) somethings may number as much of the population. like jobs. you  have to draw, define and include the boundaries of your item. Friend, just friend is not on my list.

Shout a Spirit Baptize Your Advancement

New Dreams are Born Everyday

http://tallahassee.craigslist.org/rvs/4921894164.html

hmmm...this brings back all my old dreams...back from its start at eighteen.
if i had the means to sell anything amounting close to its price, i would and aloft off wild into the wind.
i think perhaps of a kickstarter account. to earn the money to pay for it and sustain myself. and for everyone who contributed, the road trip will get to them, a visit. apart from that, they get to give me a task or a trip for the money they proffered and contributed. perhaps we can publish the album of photographs capturing the stops, the people, and i do the write ups. Humans of Various States. and i like that...cause we shall all be in various states of existence. It might even be a nationwide trip to accomplish goals and do good, exchange blessings and gifts among the community we constructed. think it can happen? think we can do it?

if not kickstarter, i thought of some international grant body but that would take way too long, too much protocol and bureaucracy. Something about reviving or checking in on the Occupy Movement at their various stations...I wish i could tag David Graeber

Lorraine James? Sherry McDonald? Khalil Rasul Malik? Chris Slaughter?
Kwesi Adjani Anderson? Jp Parsons? Sara Catherine Blaise? Occupy Wall St.? Occupy Together? Occupy Seattle? Melinda Johnson? Kevin Taylor? Oshun IyaIbeji Shango? Julie PubQuest Wartell
who else can i tag?

a set out to reclaim much of what has been lost
wish i could take my niece Maya with me. Get her to see a part of the world to stretch her horizons and views, early in life, and so perfect a timing as after that fraud exam of common entrance or whatever they now call it.
a TravelEthnographic HumanCapture of the US in 2015/16/

this is me: accepted

i am getting more mad by the days and months
getting more badass by the experiences i am made to endure and still go on
and i never contended fools, people have always said that about me even when I was half my age; now that i am this age, fuggedaboutit.
so i had an odd experience these last few days.\
i was asked to do some radio recordings for ten tips on job hunting.
the very night i was asked, I wrote twelve and submitted them.
they were appreciated and regaled.
the plan was to have them recorded
i asked if i could do the recordings.
i was so granted.
the principal, a very young guy, i doubt thirty yet,
did express his concern that the tips needed to be shorter .
i explained those were written for communication purposes to you so you can understand the point. If i am executing the recording, I need not revise the written.
I shall just do it for time.. he agreed
the plan then was for the principal to contact the radio station to organize a contact
for them and i to talk directly and schedule.
he comes to me twentyfour hours later, writing me the exact same thing as the night before. i reminded him of the conversation. he apologized, profusely for writing fb inbox. I told him no problem. I even tried to be compassionate and say, plenty must be going on. he agreed. we said goodnight.
i swear to you, i lie to you not, the gentlemen wrote me the exact same thing the next night, last night. i could not contain myself. cause to me it makes no sense. and i wonder what device are people using that the previous conversation is not right before your eyes as it is for me. but you all love an app eh that loses so much of its function. but apart from that, where is this young guy's mental acuity or is he mentally ill, schizophrenic or having early alzheimers.
he is coming back to me because I did contact the station, i sent attached my tips asking them to print it so that I can have it for my recordings. he writes me asking me, I thought i made it clear this needs to be ten seconds. i wrote back. wth. we discussed this. first of all no one should have anything to say on that doc because i sent it for my use and purpose. no one asked for them, they are to use during the recordings. as notes. we discussed this last night. you apologized for reiterating our previous conversations now you come back with the same conversation? i said to him, I am worried about you. seriously and i am confused. utterly.
well this morning he tells me he cancels the recordings, refers to me as Ms HIggins, writing that "my objectives dont match with his company". and i wrote, :
"Well for sure the consistency in mental coordination is out of sync. I have no idea what has been going on with you these few days, not like i knew you before; but it certainly was unsettling: So consistently off and inconsistent written communication from one evening to the next. the appearance of understanding, yet the repeat of the same conversation two evenings in a row as if the previous did not take place. How your behavior which you apologized for the first night becomes my objectives I do not understand. But i assure you I wish you health and wellness. Please understand clearly that you, nor any of your agents, or caribbeanjobhunters are to use the tips I wrote and you have. Please write an immediate email to Guardian alerting them they too have no right to use or implement anything included in the document as tips sent to them for my recordings. Kindly do that within the hour, copying me on the email. I am giving you the option to do that rather than me writing to Maria Goodridge. Given the challenges these two previous nights I have to ask, If I am clear here. Thank you, Dr. Huggins"
and i sent it. and i realize, I do not suffer fools gladly. and they and all can call me any kind of label they care. I dont have time for shit. and worse yet, for you to write me some diabolical bullshit under the guise of professionalism..I had to hold back writing about schizophrenia, alzheimers or mental illness in my note yes. so i do have restraint. but no . this consistent pattern of people doing shit and wanting to rest it back on your doorstep. I not taking that.
so now we move on to intellectual rights.
sad I can never jibe and jive with people. I guess i am too unforgiven with what I think is totally unnecessary, too perfect and meticulous i guess. sigh. smh
costs to all, especially and even me

i amended my note to him:

"or just let me know when you can send that email for i know you might be busy today on calls. thanks"

Mind Fucks

"“I had this feeling in acting school-- that once we got out of the contained environment of school, and into the real world, everything would work itself out. I thought that the people with talent would naturally rise to the top. But you learn that the entertainment industry is also a very contained environment. You learn how little talent actually matters. So much relies on things that are outside of your control: what you look like, who you know, what agency represents you. And I knew that race would matter, but I didn’t realize how much. I just thought my school wasn’t doing plays that catered to ethnicities because we didn’t have many people of color. I thought in the real world, I’d have more roles to choose from. But things didn’t change much in that respect, either.”

"“It’s a mind fuck. You go to audition after audition, and there are one thousand more ‘no’s’ than ‘yes’s.’ And you try to find that one little thing that you can change that will make all the difference. ‘Maybe if I lose 5 more lbs.’ Or ‘Maybe if I had gone to that school.’ Or ‘Maybe if I had worked on the lines for 30 more minutes.’ And it’s hard to step back and realize that it’s not even personal. It wasn’t about your talent. It’s not that you’re bad or you’re good. Most likely, the casting director already had a person in their head they were looking for—and you weren’t it. Or even worse, the role had already been filled, and they were just holding auditions to follow protocol. Even when you get chosen for a role, success is so fickle and fleeting. A gig today doesn’t mean a gig tomorrow. Unless you’re Brad Pitt or Will Smith, and you can make your own demands, you’re always going to be waiting for the approval of someone else. In order to stay sane, you’ve got to find other things or people in your life that bring you value. You can’t just be that weird actor person.”

HONY Dancer

there are a billion mind fucks in the world. this one is about dance. mine is about the phd and academe, playing by just rules, being a good girl...and perhaps a few others I have not yet come to name.

"If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you."

This Deeply Flawed Me

 “We are flawed creatures, all of us. Some of us think that means we should fix our flaws. But get rid of my flaws and there would be no one left.”
― Sarah Vowell, Take the Cannoli

 
 i searched "deeply flawed black women and she popped up among many others...then the depiction i got from the images was the "black angry woman" which i have never seen framed in deep flaws or to explain as one whose life experiences have changed them

----http://www.forharriet.com/2015/02/why-being-mary-jane-and-being-our.html#axzz3VdCsd5dN
  
trying to read and research about flawed characters but all i am getting is a host of banal, really stupid, superficial bullshit...about lies, casual sex, drugs. give me a break. those are flaws? those are practices.
maybe i am not flawed at all. maybe I just dont stick bullshit and i am mad enough to deal with it head on, confront it. i saw a line in here about a core of steel and think of that lady who called me iron years ago. she saw me i think.
i also think i have wrapped myself in anger from hurt, from since day one
my vulnerabilities though i think them obvious, i think too i do not explain them, people never get to see them. why would you show them when you are always under attack? or when people are always seeking to command, shit on , or best you in ways that do not keep you well situated or healthy.

if it is this tripe the world is calling flawed, no wonder we are destroying the planet and calling it progress and development.
i am trying to check myself but i only come up with more bullshit as mirroring

 http://www.theguardian.com/books/2015/jan/03/gone-girl-effect

are deeply flawed women, and deeply flawed black women less acceptable than deeply flawed men? understanding that what deeply flawed means need to be defined, deconstructed, explained. ...i search...and the article i come up with speaks volumes: the need for writers editors and publishers to make female characters ;likeable' and i think of the word nice. when someone calls you nice it is not a compliment. it means you are a damn idiot who can be walked over with any footwear, by anybody;; that their agenda will never be thwarted by you. that is nice.

and what makes people say someone is likeable or nice, when they are unthreatened by them, when their insecurities and issues are not roused but comforted, calmed, cosseted and cradled.

women who are mentally emotionally hermaphrodites...manly feminine women...
how are they taken?
or when hard times affect your personality, make you more intractable, more insular, and thus more offensive especially when you see the people judging you cant hold a candle to your feet, their lives cant match yours for nothing, but yea, their standards are the ones that dont even appear on your radar. you are at the top five chakras, and note, there are at least three above your head. so yeah, i am talking you are at the heart throat, third eye, universal, intergalactic chakra and they are at the base, talking about where your excrement comes from. how does that work> demonization is the tool of the company

"the arbitrary pivotal moment that means destruction or survival"

" flaws as scars that life has left on her."

i am now ready to cheat with the unsatisfactory clay conditions i was given as my life

http://jane-davis.co.uk/2015/02/20/outside-the-box-why-flawed-characters-are-utterly-compelling/

do women have the privilege to be flawed? and black women less so?

Junia Vincent

i read this and half way it hits me...we do not teach children about the spiritual, energetic, ancestral, metaphysical aspects of pregnancy, the growth of a fetus, the blessing that it is, the sacredness and sacrament that it is...we feed them all this fear. this disjointed fragmented nonsense, that is so devoid of connectedness. we dont talk about the cost of severing the ties of one that comes to us. there are lines that cannot be broken...yet, we live an existence filled of desecrating such divinity. for the first time ever in my life this post, half way through gave me this insight. oh what a pity.

One National Caste, Cult and Culture

 Jameel Mohammed : "PP, PNM is d worst thing in my country both bring down this country and stupid people falling for it,so anyone who could find them self fighting for anyone of them just as bad as them,what a messssss"


there is a grand and gross irony going on here. perhaps many
what a few days ago was the rage against misogyny by a few, against a few.
is now a collective national hew, put across by all manner of disgusts and diatribe
and the culprit is not seen as a despicable human being, but as a woman first, so all references to --low p****y, and inhumanity is flowing, substantiated and condoned. the whole verbal nation. all the fb well to dos. the cliques. all one voice

but a few days before they were talking about women's care and proper protocol, which was a farce/ and i say a farce because this is how trinidad and trinidadians are. there is no where you dont see this behavior, fallout, eventuality. cross someone and they will cuss you 'stink'...i was actually thinking the other day is only here such a simple what used to be innocuous word became almost the worst thing my ears could hear: 'stink' . the way trinidadians pronounce that word, you all not from here would believe and people from here so accustomed hearing it they probably dont hear its vibration and the vituperation in which it is almost always uttered, given too, the context it is almost always used. not to describe the smell of something, but often to describe or extend a characteristic of a person.

i wrote and said for years before elections and politics took over trinidad with this pnm loss of 2010 and pp unc government subsequent, when people complained i was always amused because the politicians are none other than the people the citizens went to school with, the same prestige schools they all flock around...the cults. which is something i have been musing about in recent days, given the same debacle in the states and my own experiences in a sorority and taking it back to trinidad politics. it is all cult. all of it. our culture most of all. and this is the culture. this culture is of the same stinkness everyone is up in arms about. the behavior you watch your friend treat another and laugh instead of stop. the denouncement of others who are different from you, think and behave different from you and your clan, you backstab, joust stories and lies to validate your own smallness. it is all the same. there is no separation. and no one sees it. they are all railing against themselves, their identity, their source, form, mores and structure. they rail against the system they were born under and to. it is deep to me.

no one has done anything any body else hasnt done/doesnt do. some do it by bullets, some by cutlasses, some by words. most on the streets. some in their bedrooms, the corridors of their homes, which are often in a stink array, unclean, unkempt, piled up clothes, clean and filthy mixed together, and some do it in the boardrooms at clico, or in parliament that for some reason the myth exist is some place hallowed when from day one, it was only the same ilk and mix of the bane and the few who aspired to transcend into genteelness of a kind...but in some way shape or form, if you scratch enough the scabs fall off. masques. i guess as in the death of carnival, perhaps so the death and the falling off of all masques to anything other than the beasts and the filthy mud we see going pass the bay at sea lots. what is common here.

only here. i sit back and watch it all
here there and everywhere, including my own life passings

i wish there was a photograph sans any faces to depict what i am writing here. the shot of port of spain at night from ft george perhaps, and then another shot perhaps of sea lots when the tide is out. those two photos together, imagine. it is here.

Birds who RunSkips on Water

the hearing in my left ear ebbs open clear to muffled low from time to time. the doctor first told me it was inflammation in my inner ear and gave me drops. but if it be inflammation, i find it odd how it comes and goes between months at a time. I wonder the reason and impetus for the boddily change when it occurs. that is just an irritant. the real news

i am just waking from my second shift of sleep. since 6am.
i was dreaming. i cant seem to pull the context, purpose or persons from the dream, just forms, cant remember names or conversations much except two things: it was like some kind of work situation, perhaps, or not . i felt no authority over me, but yet still there was something. anyway, the person i spent the most time with was a woman, i can see her clearly and at one time she told me to go throw the switch for some air filter or ac, and I touched the switch too fast so the first time nothing happened, the second time the condenser was shut off but the blower kept rolling .

anyway, by the time I was ready to go back into the ramp, and yes, all of this was at the edge of the sea...the tide had come in and was obscuring the pathway i used to walk out to the switch box. yeah lets process switch box and sea and defective. anyways...because it was hidden, i missed my orientation and took a trajectory different from the path, so essentially, i had to skip and run over the water to get back to the land. it was not my plan or thought, it was just by default and inherent..
and then even after that the dream went on and it is like me and this guy were cleaning up after some kind of food eating at an event, and I ended up telling him how the lady was making fun of me, which seems so infantile..but even that I cant parse and clarify. i am just taking what i can, though i wish i could take a larger platter than a tea plate. but interestingly enough, the most powerful and great sits on a teaplate, the incidental and irrelevant is what would find room on the platter

good morning
it is thursday
and i dont know if is my prayers of the righteous, or the timing in the universe, amidst portals and right alignment, but everything i asked for was answered in three days. yes. so lets see what evolves between these next three.

i think to write have a good day, or have the day of your karma, or better yet the day of your dharma, and it makes me see. there is no good or bad, there is no karma really, know why...we are all integrated and connected, so what you do to others or what happens to you that you may view in the context of earning back good or evil, is just the matrix of and with embeddedness where other people are also working out their dharma which may require you to receive benefits or subtractions. like that crotch rocket driver doing 85 down a street and some absent minded driver with a passenger slowly without looking rolls into their path and the bike ends up lodged in the front seat of car, with the two passengers. all died on the spot

anyway, i am now going to research who both flies and walks, runskips on water...

TwentyFirst Century Ideas and Innovation -From Trinidad, Intrinidad. Nottrinidad

I am lodging this here as a means of registration and copyright of what is really a brilliant twentyfirst century idea. And as I write, I realize there should be one website, perhaps hosted by the UN or on a webhoster created and called GlobalGlocal.com where everyone on the globe agrees it is The One Go TO website for any thing collective. And the website where a citizen of the world would lodge some innovative idea that benefits the world.

I have one of those. This is one such idea. I wrote it last night on my fb page

{could you imagine if election campaigning consisted of a community citizen engagement project. every single time?! every week. and so the parties would be competing to best each other's projects each week for the season. > cleanups would be a big one and oh so necessary, building homes and community centers, stocking and beautifying hospitals, soup kitchens, youth mentor match ups at children's homes, matchups at senior citizen homes. endless options.

 wow.
How completely innovative.

(R) (C) (March 20, 2015)
Maven MDHuggins, PhD


Someone help me take this out...
and what to call it though?

-------------------i see i never posted this--- 7:44pm


my second political and government election idea:

the political parties and their platforms, every week...should have an hour segment where fb and twitter activists, politicos and thinkers take the stage and speak. hopefully and primarily, not as diehards, as a matter of fact, the diehards should be excluded, cause what is the point of redundancy? but the idea would be to hear a greater balance, with more distance and wider perspective. introducing the issues of the small segment of 'thinking citizenry' would be the hope and ideal. the introduction of new ideas and thinking..like me talking about dave graeber ideas. I am also hoping that such speakers and the segment would be targeted toward growing citizen consciousness...elevation


--------------------------

third innovation for and from trinidad:

journalists, term loosely used, should have twice or once weekly roundtables, across all channels, where they themselves discuss news items, stories that appeared, events that they covered that was featured only in soundbites to the larger nation and viewers...they know and see more than viewers do on all these stories. (note in fact, all the developed countries and their channels do this, bbc, pbs, cnn, aljazeera)

-------------------------

Basic is Luxury to the Impoverished Spirit

 


goddess chronicles
warrior defenses

despite my best intentions and attempts to be all love embrace, peace and compassion. beasts and bitches always think they can come at me.

then i have no choice to be all ogun and shango on their ass.

i had to check my best friend's sister tonight
grown ass woman ten years or more my elder
but this rounds, i am no respecter of persons
especially if you have no class, want to be out of place rude and obnoxious.

she did it the first time when it was just me and her at the table
asking me "do i drink anything else"
i said, i drink everything; vodka, whisky, but my drink is brandy
her response was "you must have rich friends"
i said, my friends know what i drink and they accommodate me to my taste and preference , as we all do when we drinking, eating or imbibing.

she find i shouldnt be drinking brandy
i guess she think i am supposed to be poor so what?
these bitches eh make me out

so after the first time I tell her brother of the conversation
i am sure he thought i was being finicky wrong and particular.

so he asks me to get him his laurel
I go order it and that was it, nothing else.

his girlfriend was at the bar,
she says to me: " that is it, that is all/ no brandy?"
i said, "are you buying me a brandy miss lady?"
she said sure, I wish i could buy you a house.
and i told her that was sweet of her.
some make me out. the ones who were once my enemy, interestingly enough

well wouldnt you know sister shows up at the time that the brandy is brought to me and want to tell me about money and ordering

so when we get back to the table, i insist on wife telling the story, that she invited, bought and requested it for me. so we get into it.
I told that bitch where to get off
she telling me I dont want to tackle her
I said then dont tackle me.

this rounds. the shit i been through
i have zero tolerance.

why am i writing this?
there is an attitude of poverty that pervades this place
i see it everywhere
family , and relatives
and i find it peculiar now cause folk at the bars not taking those horrors.

it was also a matter of someone interjecting themselves not knowing facts and context. when I am out with friends and i am offered a drink and i am not buying, i will always ask, "what can i have" that classless belch dont even know

people think people eat too much
drink too much
and it is from a life of lack, selfishness, and poverty
they unaccustomed
what is pedestrian to me, is special to these wenches
and it is down the line:
my car, my tastes, the food i eat, the alcohol i drink...

i had to break it down.
with nothing i make an emporium
with entrails I make a feast
and entrails to me is cheese,  cold cuts,  anything basic.

i served bottled rumpunch to my mother and her friend auntie josephine
and cut up and seeded purple grapes and portugals in it, with toothpicks.

i cook; i cook for somebody or a few people to eat after me
i have made dishes and my mother will tell me, I using too much tomatoes
it is a meagreness that flabbergasts me
makes me wonder what i dont know
makes me think to take pause
people have the accoutrements of style, grace and access, like this big macco house my mother built, but is like they still chinksing on food. the quality, the kind, who eat, how much. i have been called on me drinking big jars of juice, my real scavenging aunt not knowing i does drink flavored water. she assume it is juice and it is just colored, flavored water. she eh know yet. i never answered her. i was just recording

i did not grow like that in carl huggins house
i also go pulled up and bouffed by him early in life
when i teased my male mack truck football playing in william and mary football cousin about eating plenty at thanksgiving one year as a teenager, and my father said, never mind what people eating and have no comment.

poor ass fucking common slaves. i have no idea why i chose, and they sent me to be among the commoners.

good thing i decided to speak out after the first comment
i ended up telling my male friend. you know. as much as I dont have right now, people who have more than me are poorer than I . he asked me to explain.
i tried to be delicate so as not to offend his sensibilities with his sister. i had occassion to tell him that they frauds a few weeks ago. a network of big people: carlos john, defour from ngc, and lord knows who else and none of them could set a table of employment before me. with my qualifications to justify.. i said i do what my tastes and preferences no matter my circumstance. if i cant make, i stay home, he pushed me to explain furhter. and i told him, people who think they know your circumstance and station will try to tell you to take a back seat, not knowing you accustomed to owning the damn fucking bus. they think you get the best because someone else buying not knowing your ass pours that for lunch or early dinner at 2pm. I was drinking grapefruit juice and peel/peele/pele whisky at 3 and 5pm today.

and his sister and i in the same situation. except she is fatter and older.
you return to trinidad and you living in your mother's house. i have excuses what is yours?  then the heifer had nerve to reference lazy people. i go to answer her and my friend tell me like i gearing up again. i was like yes.  i was getting ready to rail on her ass.

but i made me and my position crystal clear
she ended up shutting the fuck up and backed down, and a few steps back

my friend;s ladyfriend even told her she was being rude. my male friend raised opposition. people think they somebody of stock but folk will show you they from the stockade
i told her you did not invite me nor did you offer me a drink , if you have an issue, speak to your brother, dont step to me.. i keeps brandy. in my purse!

smh. i try to hang up the warrior shield and sword but mfers make you slit it out.

leaving now, my friend;s girlfriend told me, "well i congratulate you for standing up for yourself. they dont know. had that woman not been the relative of my peeps, I would have gone in! slashed her bloody

i must admit i feel good too for standing up for myself.
i didnt always do that
 but sometimes petra does pay for paul's shit
and folk does want to step to people when you dont know the path they walked and survived to be sitting in front of you. then for some reasons these wenches have a perception of me as a pushover, then i have to get bear bull on their ass.
imagine that bitch will refer me as lazy.
what she did with her life being an admin asst to retirement.

steups. look

y;all be gracious and kind eh/
even and especially among slaves

this is why i said, when i get back to my station, I will have an open house for people to eat and drink. let them know what being welcome really is.
there shall be no want, wanting or lack

on the flip side, this is why i bitch, i am an empress among the court.
and either I have to become a commoner, or i need to take the riches to the bottom
so far, i have not chosen the former. i am not yet able to the latter
so i normally stay in this rounds.

how entirely different my life and path has been
and the only witness i had was my brother and he is dead.
my birth mother too
my father has become a commoner/
he no longer lives according to what he exposed us to

this is part of a way larger story
that did not start with me
i think though I took it to a height
reincarnations and ancient old priestesses and all

you know, toilet paper. so think, quilted and lush that you only use two squares..

and as i close more references pop up...like cheese.
here where we are, cheese is almost a luxury item...so what
that all basic and cheap and unhealthiest of foods, becomes a luxury

i realize. we dealing straight up economics here
and level of existence, abilities and living
\
folk have withheld food from me. where i live
and i been eating better more luxurious , and getting fatter than ever.
how to explain that i am not sure.

i was asked tonight if i could teach art to young children, i said sure
but i think i need to teach people how to live
decades now i saying that.
long before i came to trinidad
i know how to love on myself.

RADA: In Honor of Seadly Joseph, The Penguin

i went to sleep a second time at minutes after five, after being up for three hours.
it was with a distinctive smile on my face. for i had prayed as i had never before the whole four am hour. doing what i do...reciting and rewriting prayers in my own words and needs.. by candle light which was sending me messages , the flame, so i dealt with that too. it was powerful a quietly powerful revealing moment. I am good at prayer. Real good. in the states the black americans told me all the time, from alabama to michigan that "i had a calling on my life" to preach the word". I never took it on, cause if i was called, I dont know what or whose that voice sounded like. dont know if that is one of the reasons I am in such a life cross now. You know they do that to you. if you are supposed to guard the ancestor knowledge and you refuse or somehow dont know, they will strike you and down. happened to seadly and his spiritual belmont people. it has been so long since I have been there or connected there in thought or practice that i forget their known name. anyways...

i went to bed asking myself if it was harden, hard-headed and stubborn so? to this extent. cause as i was prayering and canting, I remembered is how long now they telling me to "pray hard and plenty" many people. but i had stopped praying. too much hardship heartbrokenness, trauma, betrayal and pain has visited my life, from my brother dying to my current sandwich in between witch stepmothers of the no-power kind. a revelation i came up with last night. and just yesterday someone pulled a card for me and it came up cinderella, and i am not into fairytales but something about that moniker seemed to resonate with my real life. people suppressing and doing all they can to destroy me from the station and my inherent identity. the shit is real and about me. to be alerted to it all in most its dimension this morning was powerful. only because i was alert and asking and seeking.

but here is the thing..i went back to sleep at five, so I am writing while still needing sleep, half asleep. I prayed for money and food. and i specified when: not soon, tomorrow or today but right now. a little under four hours later scotiabank calls and awakens me from sleep offering me a credit card. a second one.. I find that peculiar and the coincidence uncanny, considering i dont and havent been praying, and i certainly dont ask for things. but here today. I just told her to call my bank manager and ask him to handle the card as he did my other one (no annual fee) and phone me back. I had to stay awake and write about it, though I preferred to return to sleep

i have long thought the first time i wrote a prayer a few years ago that people could potentially pay me to write personal prayers for them. prayers are nothing but energy generating, guarding and shielding. In the few moments I laid trying to figure all this out i realized - had an epiphany that prayers are just like meticulousness and cleanliness. nothing to deride. you keep a clean home dont you ? or do everything in a meticulous orderly way? and as I write that i have learned damn well and visited enough homes to knw that is not true. it is one of the ways I know my huggins family, ruth and carl who was over the top aint like everyone else. our houses used to be spotless. carl house not even so anymore. his wife and two daughters are nasty people. plain talk bad manners, and not just my family. i go into homes and see the mark of filthy hands everywhere. on fridges, stoves, walls, doors and door frames.. my word. hygiene is not a popular, common or consistent character here. people who serve food do so from travelling, packing, unpacking and serving food never washing their hands before they touch a potspoon or uncover a pot. anyways, praying is just like cleaning. no different. something you do to keep clean. a preventative measure to keep in order, make life easier. something you do to protect yourself from germs and evil..malocchio...imagine, that is a word from europe//spain or ital. bady evil eye./ maljeaux!!..and they been dealing with that from since the sixteenth century or before..whenever it was discovered. and i realized in prayer last night how much of that surrounds, embeds me.it is really phenomenal. might be why people call me princess and beautiful and i dont look my age...my sister's godmother who i dont see regularly, maybe three times a year, if that, told me i was beautiful looking like a princess as she came to visit my mother. i am always deeply amused at the folk who come to the home and regale me among people who pretty well damn much hate me i now think the bad energy they sending me not going back but it is making me shine and become more beautiful. nothing else makes sense. everytime it happens, I visit a mirror to try and see what it is they see and capture. i am deeply amused because it is such a clear display of people. beautiful people see beautiful. but in the prayer and even in the thinking and writing about it sense, I remark the level of haters, deniers, blockers and contra -agents about me. from real life to fb.
i have been working on removing all those in real life. but i have no idea why the fb people dont unfriend me and done, what they have me on blind for? i dont know if they feel i dont know, not aware, just because fb does not send notices. i also thought too about the people who block you on fb. how much of a sign of your weakness do we need that you have to block people..you cant contend? cant bear the thought that what? someone might see you? what is it really you are blocking>? it is laughable. but i digress.

i wanted to stamp and declare, evidently, the mojo aint been nowhere.
maybe i stopped doing what i am supposed to do, brought to do.
reminds me of how one of my haters in my family stated years ago, "who she, she is going to be the biggest obeah woman in port of spain"
and obeah is nothing about having your own personal power to convert bad and evil to good and shine, and the power of your word, ase' that whatever you declare the universe answers, responds and commands.

reminds me i am to be specific cause when i called for money, a credit card is not what i had in mind. but i heard how valuable it would be. it comes with three cards if you wish for whomever. i can give two or all three to people in mind. my two nieces if not one, and another for household living. we shall see. but i need cash. thanks eh loves, angels, ancestors and universes, but i meant cash. lets go again. 9:26am

I can write your prayers for you, for a fee. or gifts and provisions are much better.
we dont sell spiritual blessings. though i put myself out to sale yesterday, this inherent gift is separate. not sold at all. not even separately

and then i close this post and move on with life, only to see the person organizing a women's conference in october wants me to be a featured speaker and partner. i thought to lauch myself as a spoken word artist...and i write that but what i really meant to write was one woman performance artist in the vein of nina simone, lauryn hill or really, anna deaveare smith, but vocals, spirituals, lamentations, prayers and blues might very well be a part



For my cousing Seadly, my self and all those whose lives and memories I am to reconcile!

Angel Hour Prayers and Results

 Barry Lungu

 
omg. Chintungwiza! the memories! thank you!

i wake up from a marathon sleep, after yesterday waking and my first few moments of movement and activity were me in deep sleep still. from one day to another...

i have been writing for the last fifty minutes and feel the need to share and tell. yesterday i woke up at angel hour (what time is that for you?) and poured water for the angels in my fancy crystal and silver glass from my parent's house, made myself a mocha, lit a white candle, wrote my wishes and prayers, read power of the psalms, a few of them for specific purposes. I just checked. I asked for nineteen things. nineteen is showing up. coincidentally, in my meetings with the minister and his advisor this week i happened to outline nineteen programs and projects. anyway, by the time I retreated indoors yesterday three things on my prayer list of the morning had been provided. Mark and code, a gig, and help with my vehicle: retrieval and fixing if you please my ladylord. Angels? Guardians, Guides and Ancestors? or my time in the cosmos?

i have a post waiting to write in my head, i loathe to write it as it is such bitter truth but it is what it is..something about black and indian people. we really are a different bunch. and i fear I am turning into one of those black people who enjoy a different internal inclusive insight of another people and am able to see the difference between them and my own and it is not a nice picture. people i just met willing to do what they can to help me, whereas my people want money for what ever little they do. folk absorbing costs just because they have the resource, our folk, my folk, ? were they? want to tell you how much it costing. i eh know.

i moved around yesterday too and encountered two empty homes. one all the time, the other just during the week. folk have thing just sitting down taking up space brother, not in any use whatsoever...it was the first time I did not launch into "i need a place to live, can we organize?"...i guess for several reasons, folk may have be coming out of situations with others, and so no need to take them to the prospect of that trauma, or personally, i am just in a space to fight up with my situation as it is. let the universe and angels provide. no asking.

anyways, i just woke up an hour ago after eleven (years ) {that is what i wrote} lol..after eleven hours...and the last thought i had was a vision of an old fashioned simple house deep turquoise in color, the same color of my salon...it had no windows, doors or security grills. you can see inside into the great room which was painted a burnished corral color. i stood watching the house from the street, which was a corner and it was on the top of a hill, the incline facing the back of the house. and it was empty and available for me to command and occupy...all i needed to do was to powerwash it (inside and house), put grills on the windows and doors, build in window ledges and put up awnings, hang ferns from the roof, orchids on the grills, and place other plants on the ledge; furnish and live. but as I scanned into the great room there was an old blind spanish woman in the house, sitting, living meticulously clean with nothing..either existing or she was a ghost. and now as I write, I think she may have been my grandmother, but i wonder if she had issues with her eyes that i am not aware of...her accompanying me, being before me, going before me to make a place, keeping me company is not in any way outside the realm of real, and i would be so happy if that were so going forward. But i need to know where that house. So if you see a house looking like that anywhere, please write or call me. Tell me. That is my house. so i wake up and one of the things on the list from yesterday appears in a vision.

Good Morning

"In Egyptian cosmogony, for instance, Hathor–the divinity of joy, love, fertility and childbirth and the protector of women–is the divine daughter referred to as The Eye of God (Obenga 2004: 176). In turbulent moments she wields a dreaded incarnate power that transforms her into Sekhmet.⁸ This dual creator/destroyer identity of Hathor can be found in the Yoruba divinity Òsun,⁹ whose distinguishing traits are preserved in the sacred texts of the ancient Odù Ifá divination system that go back to remote antiquity.

Like Hathor, she possesses a special relationship to Olódùmarè, the Supreme Creator Force and an equally dreaded power known as Àjé, which she uses to destroy violators. Although Òsun is the sole female divinity among 16 male divinities, she is the one that ‘the Creator-God placed all the good things on earth in [her] charge making her “the vital source”’ of life. Known as ‘the source’, this archetypal female ‘conduit through which all life flows’ and epitome of sensuality and sexual pleasure. Taken from "African Sexualities: A Reader" "‪#‎Maferun‬ Osun ‪#‎Good‬ morning.

True Ifa- Obatala Clarity March 1 2015

True Ifa:

"Your way of thinking needs to change in order to master a new way of doing. Focus on your habits rather than the gain and you will accomplish your goal and allow for the new to take effect in your life.

Connecting with Obatala will allow you to understand the root of the cause so you could make the changes necessary to eliminate what has been festering in your path and change it to benefit your progress.
Take a bowl of water at room temperature, white flowers, and Efun (white chalk). Flake the buds of the flower into the water and crush a little bit of Efun in the bowl. Mix the 3 items with your hands while asking Obatala to give you the clarity you need to allow your thoughts to flourish and bring a greater understating to the changes that are coming. Once you have consecrated the water with your Ase (your words of blessings), pour it over your head, wrap your head with a cloth and allow the coolness and clarity to start manifesting.
Iya’s Thoughts: Change is not a materialistic thing. It comes from your core and how you handle it.
Blessings,
Iyanifa Fakemi"

The Cost to The Good; The Price of Gifts UnDeserved

"“I’ve tried to invest my time and money into other people’s dreams. I thought that helping others succeed would be an easy way to accomplish something without the pressure of doing it myself. But I’ve been burned. You’d expect people to be grateful if you’ve helped them. But a lot of times they will avoid you. People don’t like to be reminded that they owe their success to anyone. Sometimes they’ll even find reasons to vilify you, if it helps to make the debt invalid.”"

HONY