Fortunes and Blessings DOAs

cutting snippets and quotes from a piece on being a social critic, my mind wandered to a job that if i got would surely be a life denouement , a miracle and result of magick. mind you, in no way am i planning or will apply. It is not one of those jobs. It is more a selection thing, but not like being on a political board or getting some sort of patronage. it is different but not. but anyway, since i heard of it yesterday, from my biggest hater, mind you, i shared the vision. she was bemused. shared it again with my cousin, he said to me, "there are people who do such magick" lol

but just now it occurred to me. the two times I have been offered work in this trinidad and tobago. came from the following:

1. non nationals.

2. both women

3. one from guyana

4. one from st, vincent or grenada

5. one a permanent secretary

6. the other an academic

7. the former offered me the job directly..i having gone to her to ask for land to do organic farming. impressed she was she named me her adviser. hired me under her auspice and authority. no cabinet note. ps can *used to* be able to do that for a period shorter than two years, and for a certain income level not to exceed, xyz. this woman was a boss. see a human being taking full hold of their mandate and authority. not by any means a sheep or slave

8. the latter, the academic, well. bless her heart and soul, not only did she not address me, but she went to a relative, and not that i knew it at the time, but the biggest hater i have ever known in my life, for them being blood, close, friend and in that mode. told her "I was not ready" and never discussed it with me, asked me or anything.

i realize i was blessed and lucky to encounter these two women gems. I almost want to give them silent awards of the highest kinds. people who are unafraid to shower, bless and make opportunity for others. people considerate and unselfish. but what makes me write today is that i always said it for my PS boss, but i am saying it here again. In my experience and exposure, it has always been non trinidadians who have extended a hand to me. the character vibration. the crab barrel mentality, just a silent ugliness is just not appearing in the other islanders. is what i see.

sigh

but then the academic went on to do shit and copied a whole theory from the US to apply to trinidad...alas, "educators who are not" both she and my cousin hater eh.

i gone.

11:11 

---------------------

 

in the last week, i have heard twice from two persons, one an elder friend*, and my young artist cousin...people who think and are coming into the realization that my life as it is is some kind of gift and privilege, the elder saying that the life most people dream about is the one that I am living...and my cousin thinks that i am to teach and show people another way to live, and perhaps that is my purpose in my reality.

it is funny to hear these views outside myself. i cant even revel in the blessing, i also feel the need to remind them of the torture I withstand from those standing closest and around me of failure, battering and "not contributing"

and i always think of animals...what money does the grown woman no family, no children gorilla contribute to the troop?

nature and animals, the cosmos is my only letter, instruction, religion and model. from there and them i take my cues.

it will be interesting to see how things evolve in this leap year. i did refer to magick and miracles did i not? and would it not be perfectly appropriate for such to happen in a leap? when a leap is required?

fascinating

Asami Nagakiya (ANT BITES VICTIM) in Trinidad and Tobago

Ant Bites

was an attempted novel I tried in 2004. it was to be fiction.

but nothing came out other than me. my life, my stories, my episodes

upon returning to trinidad in 2003.

it is a manuscript that outlines how you can love a place thoroughly

and it hates you, strangling to kill you ever so slowly, it counting on being imperceptible,

the title came from me standing in some grass at night , in a garden, needing to pee real bad, and doing so razed up an ant's settlement.

i was of two minds to tell that level of truth, but there it is. it may add to the veracity of the story...of need, and the thing you need despises you, seeks to kill you for mere wanting to exist comfortably in its space. well i ended up getting twenty three ant bites that night on my feet, and i broke out almost immediately into one massive connected hive, metres thick, from ankles to bottom. from that night at st. clair to nine months after, i was never properly diagnosed with insect poisoning, could have died all along within that time, and suffered a bit in the interim. it dont seem so bad as i write about it this time, but it was. dangerous.

so in my convalescence, i started to write. the idea of how you can love , be in love, be enthralled, worship and celebrate a place, and it really be all about killing you.

i am waiting to see this turned into a book or movie. though i wrote it as a book, i realized what came out is really a screenscript for a film/. it is also written in this very innovative genre that only a few other writers ever employed: Sandra Cisneros and Victor Borge.

but i wake up this morning . come to fb.

see a post first on the newstream, a pic of Asima Nagakiya and the caption reads, "This woman loved our country" and I can say and echo - she really did love this country/ then after that a whole new fresh load of brouhaha with tim kee blaming her for her demise, and all of that is so reminiscent and mirroring of my life here. endless folk who blame me for being about something in this nothing place, who blame me for the ugly broken responses of empty people fragile and insecure from their incompetence in comparison. i wont go on. but it is all ant bites all over again. if that script ever gets made into a movie, i am writing this so you all can remind me to include this episode of the life of this pan player. Trinidad is a country of Ants, that bite the best of us into useless oblivion, either by violence or negligence. Only a few of us scream a laudable sound.

Seeking Gilead's Balm or Ibeji Twin

 

who would imagine that someone would look to be in a relationship with the other sex, for the sole and main purpose to do some personal work of character and mental emotional and physical stability and evolution /

bizarre eh. and flies against the idea of "do your work first" but there are conditions and realities where this is the specific requirement and order

like feeling one may be physically inhabited by energies and entities that give you impetus and impulses that are outside the norm. to be specific, i see that perhaps lacking physical contact, affection and closeness for someone who is physical. they may break boundaries with people around them. touching, hitting, kicking. and it is not that they mean to do harm, or want to be violent, such people may not be aware of themselves, their strengths. and it is made worse when they are naturally a physical affectionate person. one who does not shy away from human contact.

then i think of seeking therapy and sitting talking to a professional psychologist, and part of me wishes to talk to someone who cares about you, then apart from that, I think it might be a wonderful thing to have a personal witness of that experience of therapy...that your mate goes to your sessions, hears everything as it would aid them understanding you, learning about your history and your struggle

but on another level, i think life might trip you up enough and so much that you really need accompaniment for the journey. it is no longer one where you are free, should, or is suggested that you proceed alone.

i am learning some vulnerabilities, fragilities , tragedies, humilities and overall humanity of life that no one ever talks about. and you know we see it and dont even know it, dont name it. like that woman who was found after carnival at the savannah, she was clearly by herself and if not, not enough folk looking after or for her. or folk who take actions because of a total lack of support in their lives, no one to talk to, no one to reach out to, and i am the first to admit that no matter how it appears you have friends, family, love and support, they may not be that real and when you look for them in that depth, you find you are swimming and or drowning alone so there is need for others, reinforcements, outside resources/ in a space where no such thing exists, in fact.

I realize now, i need emotional, physical, mental and emotional support to live. and i think to do that along the smartest proficient way possible/

i even feel there are so few people who are skilled to even respond to something like that, to address such needs, i dont believe life coaches are either that human, compassion filled or competent to recognize such a wide need. that level of depth does not get turned off

i woke up this morning and wondered why are there not women forms of that alternative spiritual naturopath in st. augustine. i forget his name. but he talks and knows of alien beings, ley lines, and energy. where are the women spiritualists power agent healers? just like if you were a mother, you would not necessarily send your daughter to a male therapist, likewise, there would be a preference sometime for a female version of these capacities. and i just dont see them.

and i think this post is deep cause of the depth of exposure, but seriously, on another level, i see us sisters struggling and our anger. and bite is our ways of dealing with our trauma and our writing change. stories and calls on fb are a way for us to deal with the matter on the macro, but here it is for me, I wish to do my micro.

you know i am watching k. michelle at the moment, and i think if there can be a physical escort accompaniment at all times it would avert and avoid situations and incidences occurring . just like papoose, the husband of remy on love and hip hop n... keeping her away from certain people and forces. these are examples of what i try to frame here.

i wonder though if all this is at all possible outside of money, outside of folk seeking to take advantage. if anyone is capable of being that altruistic, and sublimating their interests and ego dynamic for and with the wellbeing of another

i keep thinking how life is all about "what eh meet you eh pass you"

no matter how sane people appear, they aint this deep 

-------------------------Post Script. Universe's Vibration (3pm)

i must really learn to cut myself a break.
I clearly am very much in line with the universe, part of its vibration energy. if you were to decode the energy you would find my small piece of dna in the wave. i often write things and then hours after see the same message from other and higher sources, this is one such.
i wrote a long post this morning about this need, and how things and life, and mind and spirit, thus leading the body, goes awry in the absence of necessity.

See: https://www.facebook.com/maven.huggins/posts/10153924525565148
give thanks. I am just a healer, always scanning for viruses, defects and imbalance. and seeking the right correction/ that is the best one can ask of oneself. in this life.

 

 IFA: Yoruba Scientific Spirituality

"There is nothing on this planet that you can accomplish on you own. You need a partner to work with you to achieve your vision. This reality is deified as Ibeji, the inseparable twins.

The Europoid would have you believe that an individual can manifest things alone. This is why he is obsessed with putting an individual's name on every human achievement in history.

In IFA: Yoruba Scientific Spirituality, individual names are marginalized in the telling of history because Africans do not live under the illusion that an individual is ever alone responsible for any achievement. Ironically, the lack of emphasis on individual names in history is why the Europoid says Africans have no history. If they only knew that we don't need to record names for the last few thousand years to validate ourselves.

Unlike the 10,000 year old Europoid race, the African race is 400,000 years old in the homosapien form (7 million years old if we begin with the first hominoids in Africa). We are beyond the concept of individual because we understand the broad picture which is the accumulation of millions of years of African culture. There is no I. There is only we. This is Ibeji."

Bey Black?

 {not when darker black chicks are still backdrop and shade for lighting the high and yellow}

some crazy shit is happening.

 

i guess i came to this whole bey thing late. I only became aware because i watched the superbowl and then on yesterday's news stream, i saw commentary, i had no idea it was a thing. but i had some views of my own. first of all, if you dont follow this child and she figures not in your life, you miss a whole lot, as I did in this video. but also because i had such a peculiar life, I am in tuned of almost everything , once alerted to the elements. so i know of this color thing, but i did not see it in the video as much, perhaps too cause bey is a red light chick with dark honeys surrounding her, so no shock to see her daughter in the same. but i am loving that this particular writer is pointing stuff out

and after this I want to stop talking about bey unless and until she shows up telling me that she wants to fund me for the rest of my life and days, my living, sustenance, explorations and businesses. i really wish she would. and no i did not know she had done any thing any where in the world/ and ok, i will be grateful but shit compared to the massive hell of things happening and the needs and demands, I am not impressed. you know i tried to develop this idea once before but i write into it again. there needs to be an agency of professionals where wealthy rich black folk from around the globe can come to for advice of where to place their money, they already have a list and system of projects, agents, referrals, screenings. they make it their business to consider all the elements that you now are perusing, so can give you an immediate list of possibilities based on your preferences. an agency like that. all about social justice, black economic lobby and global caucus.

"I can’t help but wonder why the two little girls in the video playing with Blue are significantly darker than her and dressed like old women afraid of the sun while Blue shines, hand on hip, in a sundress."

now. this is also deep for another reason. had marathon sleep last night into this morning. ten hours i think. and i was last dreaming ..seems as if someone entered me or i was successful in some competition, with three other people, two black females, one black male . we were given a wad of cash, like $20K, shipped to new york, in a hotel, and I dont know what we were supposed to be doing, and yes, we had just gotten there. I was still in wow about my hotel. reminds me best about the madison where i stayed in 2007, large, expansive and suites like apartments. and in the dream i had flashes of exchanges with the other three. the guy ended up getting his money stolen and we watched from a distance to see how it became infused that perhaps he stole the money, i remember staying distant from that view and keeping a mind that his story could very well be true. i remember chatting to the girls in a snarky tone about noticing the pics and masks on the wall. they were masks of all black women. on the wall. two in my room/apt I saw., but it was only the salon area. and it seemed to me in the dream, i was a social justice firebrand/ i seem to be comical about it, snarky and sardonic, sarcastic too.

so to read this article is kind of amusing

here we go. continuing to soldier on

"Having grown up black-Black (read: dark-skinned) in colorstruck New Awlins, hearing someone, particularly a woman, make a distinction between Creole and “Negro” is deeply triggering. This isn't just for me but for many New Orleanians."

"For generations, Creoles—people descended from a cultural/racial mixture of African, French, Spanish and/or Native American people—have distinguished themselves racially from “regular Negroes.” In New Orleans, phenotype—namely “pretty color and good hair”—translates to (relative) power."

now what is amusing to me is that in the caribbean and here in trinidad, there are so many aspects to the term creole. they refer it to european based/derivative people, but never to mixed black people, ./ i am confused as to the distinction between here and there but i know what is creole in the US aint called creole here.

"For generations, Creoles—people descended from a cultural/racial mixture of African, French, Spanish and/or Native American people—have distinguished themselves racially from “regular Negroes.” In New Orleans, phenotype—namely “pretty color and good hair”—translates to (relative) power."

"In this context, people who are light skinned, with non-kinky hair and the ability to claim a Creole heritage have had access to educational, occupational, social and political opportunities that darker skinned, kinkier-haired, non-Creole folks have been denied. In many ways, among those of us who are not Creole and whose skin is dark brown, the claiming of a Creole identity is read as rejection. And I’m not just talking about history books or critical race theory. I’m talking about on-the-ground, real-life experiences."

"These women’s testimonies only confirmed what I had always known: that much of the investment in Creole identity is predicated on a vehement rejection of Blackness."

"So while it may seem innocent that Beyoncé describes herself as a mixture of Creole and “Negro,” this particular celebration of her self invokes a historical narrative that forces some of us to look at her sideways. Even in the midst of her Blackest Blackity Black Blackness, we find remnants of anti-Blackness. And yet, we still rock with her."

uhM! not me. i not rocking no where with bey. she not taking me for no rides on her circus elephant. i might mess up and find me somewhere under an abandoned tunnel with no way out. and i am already drowning well enough already. i love how this article accurately states this black bey is just one of her iterations. gettfoh. i was not born yesterday.. i am too old to be getting snookered. imma leave that for you kinds much younger with less excuses.

the fact that i never heard this lady's voice or saw her presence once in the midst of all our traumas and stories?! i am afraid is the same thing as described above.//remnants of antiblackness and rejection, if noto the safe alliance that is secret, silent and hidden. us black folk got too many bodies to make that shit acceptable. that is the shit white people do. (*side eye)

i have no great analysis. i have no personal stuff. what i do have is a laser sharp eye to see reality as it is, for what it is. I know colorism is HUGE. still. I hail it out all the time. and just cause bey just found her self a black god somewhere in somebody's closet, dont mean i am sending up balloons at her party. i aint popping none either. lets just say, i am happy, but not impressed/ and that is indicative of how much we are all carrying. if we are honest.

good morning

 

http://www.colorlines.com/articles/jackson-five-nostrils-creole-vs-negro-and-beefing-over-beyonc%C3%A9s-formation 

Brilliance and Excellence Among The Wretched of the Earth

dear cam newton...\\

 

 

 

such a perfect meme for my thoughts..i am understanding some new revelations...things i have heard and intellectually nodded in agreement, but only now is it soaked in to the sinew of my being:

being brilliant and genius is one of the hardest things to be in this world, probably the most, depending on one's environment, community, family, country, culture...

i was given to consider earlier today what it really means when little black boys are 'forced' to be dunce, and cool, instead of being the bright bulbs and genius children they are inherently...cause the burden to be and of sense, insight, intuitive, feeling in a sea of beasts and demons is quite frankly impossible. we have all heard that right...boys who are compelled to eschew the books: 'it is not cool to be smart'. we grew up hearing of that experience and reality for them. but have we ever done anything about it. all the mentoring and support programs do they teach people how to survive and thrive being 'different as smart, brilliant, capable and genius when you are completely surrounded by the opposite' where you going with that? i think perhaps just perhaps all the schizophrenia and other mental illness occurring in our communities might be sourced in that schism , that struggle. those who eventually choose to be criminal for what else do those choices lead to? or being useless, as apparent as we class the boys unemployed, unschooled, loiterers.

i write about the boys but this is a reality for girls too, and women.

i write about it all the time but i am constantly stunned to see the response of fragile men who are shown up or feel they have been embarrassed or to ward off such feels as inferiority or incompetence, cuss, call all kinds of cunts, to be offensive, abusive is the response. they know nothing else. al men mostly here in this trinidad. the various means people shut down others they cannot contend with. we see it all over. talk about someone's sexuality, their legitimacy, ...charge them as mad. unstable even

what brought this on?

a surprising exchange and conversation with a friend two days ago, i have been trying to process it. then this morning i shared it with another male friend. then another conversation i had with a buddy in the neighborhood.

in all three instances, they were telling me of their views, revelations, experiences of things I rail and rant about, was denied even by them, only for them to come and validate what i saw, giving me quiet silent confirmation , proving my vision is right on specs. and in a few instances I had to ask two of them "are you hearing yourself?"

the biggest one of all was the one who is most middle class, from money, who i had asked me to help sell my car months ago. someone pulled up with a newer model to my car. he said I wonder how much he selling it for...it had a for sale car in the window. I asked the gentleman, an indian male. he says to me "i dont know, i borrow the car". meanwhile, the owner of the establishment another indian male saw from his cameras the car, and the sign, to my astonishment and i was told of his high res system...comes to ask himself* the other indian male, the same question, in front of my male friend. and the man proceeds to answer him: $150K. i was not there. so i return for my friend to pull me away , telling me, come let me tell you this but i dont want you to get mad...i am puzzled . only for him to regale me the story. i laughed. i said to him, you shocked about that?

 

That is my life. being black, and female. I am just a nigger nobody. no respect, no regard. he would never think i have money for his car. he would never believe i driving the same thing and is no man, husband, lover, father buy it for me as everyone surmised through seeing me with the vehicle. I had to tell him "why you think i asked you to help me sell the car?" is that level of treatment I getting right through. Why you think the car in the condition it is in? cause of fuckers fucking me up right through. as a black nigger woman. the fact that i can land here, and know these truths, and this black male living here and clueless stuns me, even though I knew and saw this dynamic of ignorance, chosen, feigned or created as dissonance to survive. I even told him, listen we have had conversations where I just stop engaging to avoid conflict because even you have denied things I tried to tell you, and you think i am ignorant and your knowing is right and more valid. and here it is, you getting surprised in 2016 to see how an indian man denied me truth, access, engagement.

"he never saw before; that never happened to him before"

and this is small pennyanny bullshit, nothing outstanding. but the burden and pressure to know and see things that others either dont see, choose to be silent on, or only whisper in the ears of others, is a painful thing, when you are on the front lines making it plain and public, bearing the brunt of doing so, with neither company, protection or support, and in fact, really a beat down for daring. only for them to eventually prove you were right.

that. my dear, is a hard ass thing to bear.

how do the wretched of the earth?

Maids and Myths; Lands and Dreams

"Lotto, Lotto, Lotto!
It will be expensive, the lotto will have to rebuild itself!

I have no idea who is Lindsay, he appears to be selling it, it was sent to Bunty who sent it to me.
This is Old Land, with Old Title (at least until my encounter with the Old Man*s family at the Old Man*s *city home* in Blanchisseuse. Gerry Besson and I met Mr. Borde- an old cocoa panyol man-- as we walked down to Cachipa Bay from the old Paria Main Road. He was with his companion Ma Dolly, a delightful little Spirit. Borde*s wife lived in POS where their family did well in the Civil Service and Accountancy. More curious, Old Borde*s daughter was Judy*s (my wife*s Godmother, we learned. The family was always embarrassed that Pa chose to live in the jungle with his lover! Mistress Borde was a heavy, church-going, bedecked, powdered-chest *Lady*. No wonder Pa ran away!

Anyway, Pa and Dolly took wonderful care of Gerry (Besson) and I, the two of us making our first trek into the forest walking 34 days from Blanchisseuse to matelot. Dolly cooked for us, we all got tipsy, and she told us that she knows the words for snake bite, and to calm the seas. Also, and this shared conspiratorially-- *It have a Mermaid in Shark River*!

So many stories, Melise, and all this before the Earth People ever came there.
We met on a couple more hikes, they looked after us, Pa told me once he would ask his family if he could sell the land to me.]I really do not know if this has been a speculation ongoing since family rejected this and Good Shepherd gave me the Ballerina as consolation?

The family *made him move* to Blanchisseuse because he was getting old. I do not know when they would have passed on, but they were old...

So much..... " ~ OCano





------------------

my friend wrote me this and I just had to share it. there is so much here..
first of all it is for old land for sale on the north coast that was once owned by a coco payol man, and it struck me. that is so characteristic and prevalent in trinidad, to the extent? that my own cocopayol family owned huge tracts of land from upper st. joseph all the way over to maracas beach. and whats more, that land is still in the family,

then. i read the part about Mrs Borde's "powdered chest" and it hit me about the ghetto chicks who powder their neck and chest with these huge white paps as if it is whitewash paint on a black canvas. I have often wondered what that is about , why it is done. but apart from whatever the reason girls and women do that, to read and be reminded of that very european woman's practice...it made me see the practice in the black community as an everyday mas , all year round carnival , mimic and portrayal of white society plantation owners all over again. i was bemused.

then to hear of mermaids. blow. mind. I actually read and knew of that folklore previously. I just never heard or seen or read anyone else living ever validate its truth. but there are references of that in the orisa pantheon, i think. then there is reference to it in caribbean folklore, and haitian caribbean folklore/ I wish that old woman was still living to hear her tell me about that

and clearly for that land --it must be a magical wonderland and you know watching pics of it, that is the sense I got, long before I read anything said of the land. it was like my third eye saw its truth before i read of its record.

that short piece of writing was just so full of so much richness