Thursday, December 15, 2011

How's Life Otherwise, My Cousin Asks

    • Ok. How's life otherwise
  • Maven Huggins
    • very troublesome but taking it in strides
  • Joanne Collins
    • Sorry to hear that. Some of us seem to fight longer and harder than others. I hold tight to the belief "Change must come" at those times.
Maven Huggins

1. seem as though i am allergic to my current habitat. as assessed by my doctor. congestion in ear, eye nose and needing to maintain meds for it

2. i constantly get "contact dermatitis" the second time just yesterday. he put me on prednisone, allergic meds,

3. there is no water in the house; when there is it is red or brown like mauby. i have no idea how trinis put up with this regularly. this is the first time for us/ thank god i have no job or interaction that demands standards...but been staying home..and going out to tote clean water to bathe from st. augustine

4. my unemployment continues .

5. i make my assessments of 2011, my plans and life dreams
it was fair to middling given my limitations of no real job, but my posters and greeting cards kept me with gas, incidentals and I do have savings.

6. i am making an assessment of what 2012 will bring and trying to ascertain what again i can do. seems I am totally powerless to affect the change I want..but...I try to take it in stride and grace and not get depressed, but i think i do depress really really well..that it gets lost and obscured..in striving, writing, dreaming, attempting, ..

7. I am most saddened of not having my own life and conditions for living (quiet, rural, country, green, by beach, by river, on mountain, clean air and natural organic food to eat...
Just to live...and a good man of a human being and sex...

that is what I wish for most and then to work on the other stuff

Other than that girl, I am good and grateful...grateful grateful

I gather i have dreams and wants. but my needs are met. so i am making friend and love with them as they are..
Thanks for asking..;)

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Living Life Fully Personally

Living with other people curtails the fullness of how one wants to live. This is definitely true for living with relatives and parents. I now realize it might also be true for spouses and lovers unless you happened to have been blessed with or chosen by your mirror mate. It is definitely true for those who want to live outside ethnic barrios and ideas. One being rural-country and multiethnic in thought, variety and value in the midst of folk who just live one straight line of identity, say town, African, limited, might be the challenging picture I propose.

But i awaken this morning with thoughts of the year ending, this 2011 and how have I fared; what did not get done? And asked myself do I want to enter 2012 the same way as I lived and managed 2012? Or are their changes necessary

I also woke recognizing I need to make a full list of my body ailments for my initial visit with Dean Ammon, a Thai massage therapist.

 On not living to fullness at the immediate daily level, I thought, I want to have hammocks in my house. Under my house. I want to have a house opened to the elements that breathes. I want to be in a wood house. I want to live in the mountains of St. Joseph, Amidst green and in a spring for pristine clean water. I want to sleep out under the stars somehow. Perhaps my house will have a cocoa roof. I want to live apart from noise. I awaken this morning having a fairly peaceful morning...not awakened by massive vehicles cars and trucks tearing through the neighborhood that really needs to be and will be rezoned. It is only because school is closed so the morning traffic is less. It is no longer residential this place that used to be an agricultural estate, and running between the highway and the main road in the barrage of too many cars on a small island, many motorists try to cut through here to avoid the backups elsewhere, to our--the residents in homes, detriment, displeasure and discomfort. Barataria is a Woodbrook waiting to happen, I see, it is to follow that eventuality...it will be filled with businesses; another center that never sleeps. I in fact would want to convert this house into a cafe, restaurant liming spot. Elegantly comfortably so.

But last night I in my salon boudoir, I was between the
neighbor's radio listening, to someone else playing Luther Vandross It is Christmas on perpetual cycle, in pondering a headache as I watched my computer screen in the dark, with only the TV on mute to low because I could not take more noise. And I could almost pull my hair out because  life is not to be lived so, but that is the life in Trinidad and Tobago. Completely subjected to everything and everyone about you. There are no boundaries nor limitations. Nothing is to be unexpected. For anything goes.

I also do not want to feel hemmed in when others about you are not as kind to receptive.

So I wake up. Feeling my body. Recognizing my arms feel as they do because I am on the computer typing way too much, but the brain and the words are backed up to write, though I suspect the stress on the arms are not the same in old fashioned writing. And it is these physical feelings that bring on this writing. Recognizing I cannot continue so. That it is a level of powerlessness/passiveness.

I want to OCCUPY2012

~ But there are so many threads tied up into this one theme. I had plans and dreams to make my first million this 2011. Things I wanted to do this December for 2012 aren't happening and I have decided not to fight nor push. Mercury is in retrograde, is the message all about the place. So I am still waiting for the fullness of the stars' shift to my gateway opening..But of all this muse, my consideration is not about my financial and material improvements, forecast or projections for 2012. I am solely centered on the life of the sentient physical body: where and how I want to live. That is all I am wishing and praying for/wishing for some magical bestowing of house and land in mountain hills, quiet and secluded from the maddening people and their twisted minds. Safe

This muse is about how I spend my days, doing what, after I consider where. Last night I switched off Facebook recognizing that it has become a mindfield, at least the Trinidad landscape: fake profiles, snakes in the grass, politics in balisier and sun, and the penchant pertinent haters. And that is before the ongoing never stop riling hateful wretched critique of our lives lived and corrupt poisoned socio-economic-political landscape. My withdrawal and silence is not enough. Now I need to switch it off and move away. What is the point? I see the end is drawing near. And perhaps I ought not disown it totally for I have made sales and inroads there, but really? to the point of keeping it and staying married to it? No. Life is to live outside and off Facebook. I thought that on Monday being out and about with my vehicle in repair. But nights like last night are not what I want for myself.
I want to live elsewhere. I need to live differently. I need to move. I need to do yoga. I need to swim in the ocean. I need to get massages. I need to stretch and become limber. I remembered this morning to not be such a victim and try to help myself, so in between sleep and wake I was giving my self Reiki . Focusing on my abdomen and my hip joint where my back meets my hip connector. It feels out of alignment and gets so regularly. I do not know why. My arms are all tight and knotted as are my finger joints. Oftentimes I imagine me digging my hands in soil. I need to plant and grow things. I need to plant and grow myself. I need sex. I need to grow up in ways and manners of how I go about getting it. Waiting and Seeking Knight of Kings, Hands of Healing and Mind of the Stars Men is not working. I cant live the life I need to be hemmed in. And I am hemmed in. Even this morning, I saw myself buried to the head in sand, imagining some healthful benefit to doing so; some friend lover man is the being who buried me and placed a hat over my face to shield the sun and we both under the shade of a coconut tree, he watching over me as immobile as I would be buried.



These are my journal thoughts for this morning. Probably best left for a real journal. Peculiar that so much of my inner life and thoughts are out in public domain even as I am- while living. But the computer and these various platforms of fb, blog, and status make writing easy. And why not a personal word document diary then? I dont know. I also realize my whole writing life is convoluted in its multiple sources. Between my journals I have kept for twenty one years, 44 volumes. To various manuscripts, two. Several essays, published; my Facebook status, to compile and notes; and here this blog. All together they all form the fullness of my writing. So much so when I came to write this, I had no idea where to lodge these ideas and took a few moments waffling between a real book journal and the computer. See the computer weighs out. Know how much editing and additions have happened effortlessly since I started at 8:08? It is now 8:57am

And still, another reason I talk of needing to live a fullness, I dont want to think about nor consider challenging others on their stupidity. It is enough to deal with my own, do I need to add others and another? I want my space free.

My aunt traveled to the States for about two months. She took my ArtPost line with her to sell some. She spoke to me on Monday. And this lady tried to enter into a blithe lecture telling me to try to be 'pious'. What I think she meant was to be humble. But all I could realize is that she traveled up there with the rest of my troupe haters--all family-- aunts uncle, and cousins, so she came back full. I just shut down and listened. I offered no response. I was just shocked how in the midst of someone offering to do something nice, seemingly, they come back with proof of so much hate. You all had time to sit down and have a cauldron about me, did you? I need to be "pious, dont let it be known all you can do">? I think they talked about how talented and skilled I am for our and any small population and how they think I am full of myself.> That is the kind of thing, people and energy I want to stay far away from. Not one of those family members bought any of the products: $40 for a poster. $3-5.00 for greeting cards. All Art. 18 x 24 and 5 x 7, respectively. Aint that hateful? This is what I mean by wanting my space free.And right now, I live in space not of my own. For the first time since 18, I have returned to be subjected to what I was running away from; first Carl Huggins my father, now lesser and more beings, relatives, among us. What is my science and mathematics? What is the purpose of all these acrobatics? I just know that 2012 please, give me the power to make corrections.
The man who repaired my window on Monday, he blessed me, even if he was just talking bullshit mamaguy--but i take it and turn it around---He said I was going to get another vehicle soon, in six months, and that I would win the lotto. I am going to hold onto those words as if Magic and Magickal. I need more than saving, salvation, miracles and rainbow's pots of gold. I need the earth and life as it has formed and I know it and arrived in and to, to shatter. And that is what this writing is about. A Prayer to lay on the Altar of Fire and Water. Something else that comes from this morning...I just want to be about prayer, goodness, light and power. A Solitary Lion





Good Morning

Afterthought while washing dishes, making tea: And yet, what it is, what this is, is where it is, and what for and where I am to be grateful. Ashe'

---------

    • Janine. I have a rash on my back just so
      I just touched it and felt all these bumps. You imagine that???
      what to do>? Doctor? Or home remedy>


  • 3 hours ago
    Janine Le Gendre
    • aloes.... (for everything) :)
    • hmmm can anyone take a look at it tho because it could be something else
    • maybe go to doctor just in case


  • Maven Huggins
    3 hours ago
    Maven Huggins
    • alright. to the doctor I go


  • 3 hours ago
    Janine Le Gendre
    • Yes just in case .. you never know
  • Maven Huggins
    about an hour ago
    Maven Huggins
    • you there?


  • about an hour ago
    Janine Le Gendre
    • yes did you go to Doctor?
  • Maven Huggins
    about an hour ago
    Maven Huggins
    • yes
      ":contact dermatitis" again
      dr. indicated "allergies" since i have to keep taking the meds from last time, last issue and visit

      he assessed it was the top i wore yesterday for it has precisely the shape. a cotton tank my aunt gave me.

      He gave me an injection and sent me home with, yes, prednisone and allegra to take for five day. he said it would linger or not go away without the prednisone. and because the man has been right every time before, I just expressed my surprise, resolve and went along my merry way. he said he did not mind the arguing and opposition..but i am very grateful for him: right there and dispensary and is appearing to be competent.

      Now.

      Now. assess this, with me waking and writing this, this morning, upon waking

      and then talk to me


      http://questioneverythngevenyourself.blogspot.com/2011/12/living-life-fully-personally.html

    • questioneverythngevenyourself.blogspot.com


  • 17 minutes ago
    Janine Le Gendre
    • what do you think is the genesis of this hate within your family? I know how family can be but is it that they feel you owe "them" something... just jealousy? you being a black sheep?
  • Maven Huggins
    13 minutes ago
    Maven Huggins
    • lol..Janine.>
      whey you come out from with "hate within your family"?
      Or is there some writing that I missed? in between

      Fill me in before i expound and consider...You hit me for six there

      l;_)


  • 12 minutes ago
    Janine Le Gendre
    • i read the blog.. about your aunt,, taking your stuff.... and no one buying it? melise should be more pious
    • if that is not hate what is? I think is what you wrote?
  • Maven Huggins
    7 minutes ago
    Maven Huggins
    • oh. I was wrong. sorry.
      that aunt is one side one story...
      My mind is the aunts here. and my skin rash

      LORD> what did i just write

      so it took me by surprise that you jumped to hate from the skin thing which is where my brain is at

      GIrl. you just put on more light yes
      and i think there is more here for me to realize than I know and knew/

      hated on all sides?

      by all?
      where it come from? I am all things these people are not. with nothing i think i have and am more than they ever will and do

      was just thinking as I ate, instead of my mom learning from me she chastises me. calls my cleanliness a fetish but with no house cleaner, ever so often, happen twice, she comes to use my bathroom rather than hers, because hers gets so unwieldy. the only thing I can ascertain...when it happens but I am like, why not practice a little bit of what i do rather than chastise

      Girl i eh know.; I have no answers

      i think i shared the blog too early
      what are your thoughts first about the contact dermatitis and the allergies of my environment. that is one thing
  • Maven Huggins
    6 minutes ago
    Maven Huggins
    • wow.

      pondering your responses and seeing the whole of my experience and not in part is giving me serious pause

      it is scaring me actually


  • about a minute ago
    Janine Le Gendre
    • yes it is scary
    • Hmm I'll think some more on it myself,, because it mirrors something I've seen in my own family
Janine Le Gendre
  • I love the morale of that blog tho.. because what you're really talking about is being centered
  • walking away from teh shite ..
  • taking a break
  • from those who don't you... those you wunna be you and jealous
  • etc
  • leave them to their crosses
  • Hmm
  • when last you went for a sea bath?



---------------

concurrently/ another conversation

Maven Huggins

"I am not a religious person, and had eschewed religion but in recent weeks I see myself in visions praying and asking for protection and covering myself/placing myself on altars...

        this is making me show the need to do that"

" this is no longer a time to be human. and for me it never was, but i was thinking i was overboard.. clearly, not so"

Melville Foster
"        And so,we have a lot of food for thought.Yet knowledge strenghtens the armour of our resolve,and mail-clad we sally forth.Of more trolls,goblins and sprites we are of unapproachable mettle."


Monday, December 12, 2011

TwentyEight Ways of OverQualification

  •  Maven Huggins 
    • but i have learned that i need to navigate my age.
      the old man today swore the vehicle was not mine. Hear him. i will do the repair and give you all the pieces removed so yu can give it to your husband, boyfriend, father or whomever cause I know that car not yours"

      he said that~! people think i am 28 max
  • Chris Ren
    • you have a lot of energy!...and youthful stamina, at least from I saw...but on fb you post things in a manner that reflects your age and wisdom :)

      and how young is too young for you ?
  • Maven Huggins
    • lol/ i think that depends on the person...i have learned...took me awhile to get over that...funny bemusing thing...i had an age limit when i was younger. now that i am wiser, (or desperate-lol) I am realizing...to get a clue.. l;)
  • Chris Ren
    • I dunno if you were ever married (I can't recall if I ever asked you that) but it's strange that you're single...you're totally eligible; you're good looking (unless you were wearing a very life-like costume), you have a car...wisdom, education...you're not overweight.... I guess you just haven't met the person you're waiting for..I think you have everything under control

      ..but as I type this I recall that you once posted that you were overqualified for some job you were interested in..what if you're overqualified for a relationship? think about it..all that intellect, superb and inventive cooking skills, peerless prose, well-travelled..ambitious....that's a lot of stuff!

      as for me, I'm single by choice..I don't have the independence (money and time) for a serious relationship...and I have too many things to take care of financially; this year was crazy..
  • Maven Huggins
    • hm. Chris Ren. that is a first. never thought of that. how insightful of you to pick that up. It makes sense and worse than that, it resonates!!!

      No, i have never been married. I have no idea why i am not, is what i say. I am so flabbergasted that men do not follow or flow over me like honey...

      and you just wrote me a perfectly wonderful single ad. but all over again, for who. to post where?

      i just try to be graceful about it. and never get desperate...but it is sad and regrettful

      My girlfriend from school, my last degree, said it would be a sin if i did not have a child...to waste all that good stuff I am. I thought ...well it was shocking..it made me realize folk look at me, folk see me, and think well of me, but i rarely if ever hear it. i was so tickled...and perplexed...cause all this good stuff. yet. here i am twiddling thumbs

      folk working on multiple men, mates and spouses and here i am like a drought

      ~
  • Maven Huggins
    • i think it strange too. just like it is strange that i am not making crazy money (to burn), let alone employed

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Weather, Land, SmartMen and Son in Laws

winter is on its way down to the Caribbean, and i dont mean like a season, but as a change in the type of sun we will have all year round...and how does winter start new and look like in a warm climate? Rain. Heavy, or Steady, or Light, and if not that, just overcast cloudy, regularly, all the time. where is the sun? kind of thing? and what is the caribbean out of the sun?

i just heard bbc refer to "sexual misconduct" regarding to what Hermain Cain's stories are currently circulating and I hear the irony and juxtaposition...Herman Cain is as regular, normal garden variety male of all subsets...sexual misconduct, their seeming right, norm, blood and beget. so conduct is misconduct is conduct?

and i want to write about yesterday...
skipping and running in the Arima rain when earlier in the week I could barely walk.
life is funny and amusing.
To hear me introduced as ":she?: that is a woman of leisure" ("she could do all of that - reach river and plait hair for its drenching" was the conversation--evidently my two plaits were too country and amusing)

but meeting people usually men, posers and liars, who pay for something by marriage, lark or song and then want to turn around and sell it for multimillions they never had or wielded. who have the best value and ownership but want to dash it way for money, that may itself lose its value soon. men who try to portray they do business but talk to them and you hear no earthly sense or awareness that is required. their words betray them. men showing you pictures from fifteen years ago, is an intention to deceit...men who hear an accent and think, start to fly, believing you are their savior to get them out the cesspit of lies, debt and trouble they have outlined for you...wanting to show evaluations on papers for what they never paid for. I am so stunned at how casually folk try to scam here. It just seems obscene and obnoxious for some reason and such a desecration of the best and purest. for it is always about things that used to be sacred that are now just commodities to grab, trade and speculate. Realizing people do not pursue land for any purity of intent, but just because either others are, so they must, or they take it because they could, when they have to pay no price for it, from a father in law say. and then the desperation for which they do not want to tell you the reason, they clamor almost yell at you to save them, and provide the money they need for a sale. two such I have encountered. and many more who just are attempting to access a grap, with no plan or ability/ and in between, the next set --ignorant arrogant enough to want folk to give them skill to accomplish their aim, with nary gratitude far less pay. for free.
they want to enslave you like their colonial fathers and mothers, no matter what the pretense, title or organizational name. by their behaviors, their tongue and walk, you shall know them

my people

of land people do not want it to plant food, or to breathe clean air, or to watch the sky stars at pure dark of night...or to drink of its spring, bathe in its river...no it is just dollars for what they ignored and overgrown for ten years. ask them what they spent on it, and you hear some penny like a 100K, which you know is a lie and for acreage is./ well. really. penny fractions. folk are funny. and i can not say enough the stories people tell are nothing so much as their depth and expanse of stupidity and the reflection of those they engage. "what you did for that 100K - labor and vehicles"
and if you ask them to what product or produce, they cant answer./ poseurs/ bottom top, inside out. feet forward, head backward.

and it is oh so amusing, it is only after my encounter do i figure out what i just experienced: someone else's desperation

enough writing.
I said years ago, that i was never going to pay for land. I said it because too much generational land has been lost and left abandoned by those before and now in my family. An outright sin if you ask me, and people living the costs and wages and dont even know it. AlGarab in Orinoco. Payol Hill Village in Maracas, lots here and there from Toco to Laventille. LaBaja from Marina that Carl stole, Tortuga that Ruth and Analiza left that Carl put into the hands of those others and different, not his own.  and I eh reach the Companies yet..know one know and living to count that part.

I am learning to stay quiet. to not profess or advocate to do what you are neither doing nor capable of actualizing. I am learning there is great peace in being at the bottom of the ladder, even with nothing, all that skill not benefiting one damn thing, but you not skating around looking for what you did not put down to save your ass from a fire you well went about planning and tending. not knowing it was your end you were rendering. and some cant understand why i have chosen not to fight for what, the much, the plenty my parents had. But i say, if it was for me, they would have made it so.

so after all ah dat, I eh paying for land, least of all from skaters, schemers, smartmen and poseurs/

just sit quietly and watch it all pass.
when you die you leave it all. and plenty dead while they still here
I looking like a shuppidy?

will let the universe bring and present.. not me to search, site and acquire
funny mixed up place...

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Mother and Motherhood of Maturity, Intention and Integrity

this post was written in response to another friend's blog which follows at the bottom, either copied or link provided...haven't decided which yet. but mindful of copyright protocols and right behaviors.

Me:

"I love this issue, blog and presentiment. I love your honesty.
i read this and think and hope that you do publish this in a book. I told you months ago to use this work and struggle as part of your academy; but even so, this is great popular writing.

I have so much to say and share but feel cautioned as I have no children, but surrounded by mothers and children, and my caustic shrewd view and sight allows me to see some factors that I think are true.

And I wish i had commented my thoughts as I was reading, cause I feel they are being lost..
this is a powerful subject
I applaud you Gabrielle. I read this post and this line, "How can you love someone with all your being and not be hurt when they don’t reciprocally and unequivocally recognise you as the most wonderful person in the world too?" and it only conveys, indicates and evokes MATURITY>>
and that is the difference between you and a host of other mothers.

I need to tell you this mother child, parenting thing is a constant predominating  consideration with me. Why? motherhood and parenting is a big thing for me. HUGE. my choices have been determined by them, and I am now in a space of shifting my designs and desires for what i now believe I can do with aplomb.

most mothers and parents are not mature. they are just grown up children and that is why you see what you do with them and see how their children deal and react to them. I have learned one core fact and that is children are a direct reflection and straight mirror to their parents, mothers, or lack thereof. an indication of the adults and behaviors about them. And children, if you ask them, if you dare to ask them, they will tell you that.  They will and do read adults and their parents like abc books. I actually believe children are smarter than older people.adults.parents

Anyway, i dont want to ramble. By this post, i dont think you have anything to worry about. The other thing I will share that I see,---and i am writing from being one of those daughters; knowing,strong willed, past lives---that if mothers or adults are living in integrity and upstanding character, and honoring children in a variety if not all ways, you dont get dismissive teenagers...

I firmly believe.

nevertheless and apart from my views. I love this article. I love the honesty. I love you for that. I love the mother you are. the intention. and imagine the difference in the world, people, women, mothers, sons if we had such women as mothers. of Intention. Maturity and Integrity..

The world would be a different place. let alone, Trinidad.

Peace!"
------------------

In response to:



Post 39.
Today, a good friend of mine lamented over Facebook about the seemingly loveless reactions she sometimes gets from her teenage daughter. I feel such angst, the mom’s that is.
I’m terrified when I hear these stories and, I suppose, like most not-so-easy daughters, I’m desperate to do whatever it takes to make the relationship I have with Ziya different from the one I have with my own mother. It’s not that our relationship is bad. It’s actually reached a point of mutual agreement and it works as long as I maintain the boundaries that are important to me. But, I know what it took to get here and I’d like Ziya to be able to chart a different path. Like most mothers, I’d like to both appreciate my mother and do things differently as a mother myself, in an attempt to change patterns or establish greater honesty or recognise in myself the things that Ziya will both recognise and wish were different in me.
There are things I try to do with Ziya even now that I hope will begin to create a healthy foundation between us. I don’t know if they will make a difference, but they are little options I’ve chosen to attempt. I try to let her feel and express whatever she wants when I’m with her and I spend time with her without trying to overly determine our interaction. I think it’s oppressive when parents need a lot of validation from their children. I don’t try to make her perform for people. I hate when parents make their kids prove what they can say or do or spell. And I don’t invest a lot of control in her emotional reactions to me. That just feels like it leads to dramas born from hyper-sensitivity. Sometimes, I’m leaving for work and manically waving goodbye, and she’s basically concerned with other things like the oats stuck to her fingers. I let it go. I’m going to love her more than she loves me, I think that’s the case for most mothers, and letting her do her thing without taking it personally is going to be key to our sanity. I might as well practice from now.
But its early days yet and I know this all sounds theoretical – even to me. How can you love someone with all your being and not be hurt when they don’t reciprocally and unequivocally recognise you as the most wonderful person in the world too? For all its power, motherhood is rife with vulnerability and, in fact, there are few things that mothers want more than love, affirmation and acceptance from their children. That’s why for children, especially teenagers and sometimes especially daughters, withholding that reciprocity is their most inalienable weapon.
Friends and even Stone tell me to be prepared. There will be things I do that Ziya considers intolerable, and perhaps unforgiveable, even if I do my best. There may just be that period between 12 and 37 when she avoids some of my calls, shuts me out of aspects of her life, quarrels about my idiosyncracies, gets impatient about my flaws, rants about my reactions, rolls her eyes at my concerns, sighs about my stories, shrugs off my affections, and defines whole parts of herself in incomprehensible opposition to me. Even if I do my best, it won’t be perfect and I can’t control who and how she decides to be. Children revere their parents and hold them, mothers more than fathers I think, to virtually impossible standards. It’s easy for them to be disappointed, to see hypocracies, to resent failures, to think worry is a lack of trust in their judgement, and to find the demands of love too intense and overwhelming for them to balance with their own individuation and establishment of self to the world.
I’m as good a daughter as I can be. I’m extremely responsible and conscientous, but I’m also protective of my emotional self and I’m sure my mother wishes from me more openness and intimacy than I give. That’s the trade off and it’s taken me until now to figure out the balance I can sustain. Because I know the status of where we are in all its nuance, I know exactly what it will mean for Ziya to decide she is making the same choices in relation to me. I don’t want her to give what I give, but refuse what I do. I don’t want to be my mother, wondering but unwilling to ask and possibly to hear why she won’t give more. I know exactly how I’d like our relationship to be different even while I recognise that we will have our differences. I can only hope that, somehow, in the midst of career, money, family, mortgage and other craziness, I manage – with her willing cooperation – to get us there.
But, first, clearly I’m going to have to survive teenagehood. Not mine, but hers. I’m going to have to survive both her emotional sophistication and her naive callousness. I’m going to have to remember that she loves me no matter what, it’s just that there are stages and phases and lessons for us all to learn. Sometimes love sends you tumbling, caught off guard, like a Maracas wave. Sometimes, it gives you everything you need to feel full. Sometimes it teaches patience and reminds us that the heart can ache. Sometimes it makes karma seem too real to be just mystical philosophy. Sometimes, it toughens up the spirit and forces the mind to formulate an amended way. Sometimes, it leaves us unfulfilled, but that too is part of the story of loving.
My friend is someone I consider to be an amazing, inspiring, creative, caring, all too human mom. She’s raised two powerful daughters and I only hope I can emulate what she’s achieved. I understand how she’s feeling even though I’m light years away from those moments myself. I’ve been that teenage daughter. I see my own strong-willed offspring and I know it’s coming. But I also know that love heals, saving us from turning to guilt and obligation as a basis for gaining children’s understanding. Mother-daughter relationships can be intense, complex and rocky. Amidst the frustrating moments, I’m learning from my sistren to remember that love’s foremost quality is that it almost eternally endures.
Meanwhile, teenagehood eventually, sometimes thankfully for all, ultimately ends! :)"

source: http://grrlscene.wordpress.com/2011/11/29/diary-of-a-mothering-worker-november-29-2011/#comment-264

Monday, October 24, 2011

Mugure Sculpted "Black IS Beautiful (Melise)"

"My dear, it is not just named for you. It IS you. Remember our day of pulling face molds in the studio?"
tripping and waiting for word and confirmation
But seems as though my long time girlfriend
Charmagne Andrews, Artist Extraordinaire, carved, formed, sculpted an art piece
that is magnificent. stunning and phenomenal; and magnificently all, so

And... best of all that is blowing my mind...seemed to have named it after me/./

"Tried to send you this on fb, but no luck. This is called: Black IS Beautiful (Melise), cast iron"

And then for the medium to be Cast Iron.
I am beside myself. Raging with Internal Laughter

Touched by the love...but ways, before I get ahead of myself. lets wait for confirmation..

In any case, it is so beautiful, I have to share

October 24, 2011

I am humbled and lifted up by those who so dearly hold and love me!!!!
 --------------------

and it gets better. an Astrology reading done by another friend

"
"I got this interpretation from a site - I put in your birth info and it gave its interpretation. indiaastrology2000

Trend for Life

You will have near average height, a stout and strong build, square type face, prominent brows, prominent nose, thin lips with a small mouth, thick and dark hair, dusky complexion and an attractive countenance.

You will be bold, strong and intelligent, of reserved and determined nature, mechanically skilled, scientifically inclined, analytical mind, deep thought process, quick witted with good authorship qualities.

You will be fond of sharp humor, travel, music and dance. You will be wealthy and prosperous and have few brothers and sisters but may have many children.

You will travel to other countries and will be more successful in the early part of your life.

On the other side you may be secretive, combative, sarcastic, quarrelsome and ready to fight endlessly, blunt, shrewd, of uncertain temper, obtuse interests in the occult, love for dictatorship, fond of sex, and fickle minded.

Secret enemies, enemies among close associates, premature death of a dear friend, and accident by fire, cuts and wounds in the head may occur.

For a few of you possibility of premature loss of spouse and two marriages may occur.

You will enjoy many friendly relationships and may have friends through out the world.

Supporters among big people and cordial relation with relatives and family members will give you many facilities and gains. You will make gains of wealth from other countries, through marriage, relatives and by own intelligence and hard work. You will be well placed in high position in business or service as chemist, detective, surgeon, researcher, dentist, government officer or in defense and other similar services.

You will go up in career by own skills and qualities. A few of you may even have two occupations occurring together or one after another.

Your fundamentally strong health may face afflictions like constipation, piles, fistula, stone in gall bladder, benign hypertrophy of prostrate and disorders of the generative system. The numbers 3, 9 and 4 will be lucky for you in this order.

The days Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Friday and Thursday will be lucky for you in the given order.

Depending on other factors gemstones like dark red coral or yellow sapphire may be suitable for you.


Karmic pattern and your luck based on your mental instincts

1. Physical features: Most attractive and innocent looking person. There is an inherent magnetically force in her look. If She looks at a person with a mild smile, rest assure, that person will be her slave.

2. Character and general events: She keeps equal relationship with high and low people i.e. irrespective of the status of the person. She has a spot-less heart. She does not like to give troubles to others. The only drawback noticed in this native in the behavioral field is that temper is always on the tip of her nose. However, such short-temper is not of a permanent nature. She will not hesitate to sacrifice even her life to those who love her. At the same time once she is hurt She will become a lion. She has wisdom, knowledge, and personality.

She is expert in delivering attractive speeches. She is capable of vanquishing her enemies and attain fairly high position. She is sexually inclined always and desirous of being in the company of other sex.

3. Education, sources of earning/profession: She can attain mastery over several subjects at the same time. Even if she is not academically much educated, her expression and knowledge put forward to the world will equal to that of highly educated persons. She is much interested in fine arts and has ability to write prolonged articles or books.

In the work field, she can shine well due to her extraordinary capacity and capability. Laziness is a remote question for her. Once she opts to undertake a job she cannot turn back till that job is completed. Even in the case of utter failure she is not desperate. If she is employed she will reach to the top. In most of the cases it has been noticed that even if this Nakshatra born persons are employed initially in the lower or middle level positions, they later on reach to a good position and they always receive reward and praise from others.

It has been noticed that her stability in life or even the slightest upward movement begins after her marriage. She starts her livelihood at a very young age say 18 or 19 years of age. She will have important changes in the professional field at her 19th, 21st, 28th, 30th, 35th and 42nd years.

4. Family life: While She keeps praising her father on the one side due to the prominent personality and religious rigidity of her father, She cannot virtually derive any benefit from her father. She leads a neglected childhood. She is normally subjected to a life away from her home town.

5. Health: Her health will be very good. She is non-care about her own health. Hence she will search for a doctor only when she is seriously ill. She is prone to paralytic attack, stomach problems, piles, and hernia.

Other possible effects:


Females born in this Nakshatra will also enjoy more or less the same results as that is applicable for male natives mentioned above. In addition, the following results will also be enjoyed:

1. Physical features : She is of medium height with stout body. Large and protruding eyes.

2. Character and general events : She is a real "Lakshmi" (goddess of wealth) in the family. She is the embodiment of a real family woman. Her behavior is extremely cordial, respectful and praise worthy. Adaptability as the circumstances warrants. Suitability as the occasion warrants and lastly impartiality as the country needs are her main characteristics. When all these three essentials required for the present day are combined in one, what more I can describe or attribute to her character.

3. Education, sources of earning/profession: Employed females can attain good positions due to their own effort. She is best suited to the profession of a lawyer or arbitrator. She is also a good nurse or a doctor.

4. Family life: These females will be a gem in any family they are born or married. In other words, their foot-steps are sufficient to bring in Laxmi (goddess of wealth).

5. Health: She is prone to rheumatic pains, acute indigestion, constipation, hernia and in some cases tuberculosis of low intensity.





Effect of Individual Planet

Effect of Sun in your birth chart

Courage, initiative, ambition and adventurous attitude need to be kept under control. Intelligence and affable nature will maintain some balance. You will be quite successful in life, witty and affable. You will be religious, God fearing and will have much peace in your inner mind. However you may not be very interesting as a company and may appear to be too pushy and slightly boring.

Effect of Moon in your birth chart

You will have a very happy and successful family life. Your spouse would be a very caring and much jovial person and will bring much happiness and confidence into you. You will get limited number of children. But your children will be very good and dutiful and obedient. Such children will do well I their lives and bring charm and happiness to all. However they may have to live away from their parents due to their education or work being in other countries or in far away places.

Effect of Mars in your birth chart

You will be quite learned, educated and very wealthy and acquire good property. You will act with much intelligence and will be quite influential. You will be in a commanding position and happy. You will get much support and help from your friends too. You will be successful in keeping your negative tendencies under your control. However such control will fail in case of pleasurable indulgences.

Effect of Mercury in your birth chart

You will be a very good person with many simple but rarely available qualities. You will overcome your cruel and crude tendencies and would develop a much calm and peaceful mind. You will be very tactful, diplomatic, discriminating and sensible. You will be quite religious and God fearing. You would be given to worship and will donate much to charities. You will be fond of your friends too. You would be highly intelligent and will do well in career. Business tendencies would be pronounced. You are likely to have many children, most of them sons."

the first part, the male part, unlabeled, read totally me. until it got to the female part..."having sons",limited children, etc..." more confirmation



"Effect of Jupiter in your birth chart

You will reach high positions in career but would be constantly troubled and not happy. Despite your high intelligence you may not be equally successful. You will remain rather unlucky, unnoticed and obscure and often nearly ignored rather deliberately. But from your side you would be of patient nature and will maintain a happy and witty countenance. Despite facing many obstructions, you will acquire much wealth. You would be quite famous for your lands and enjoyments of many vehicles. You will easily destroy and eliminate all your enemies.


Effect of Venus in your birth chart

You will get mixed results from this position of Venus. You will have a calm and peaceful mind. You will be much devoted to God and will be god fearing in nature. You would be charitable, religious and very intelligent. You will be fond of fine arts and quite obliging in nature. You will be quite well placed in career and would be wealthy. But you will also be imprudent and unprincipled. You will be inclined to licentious acts and very boastful about whatever you will do.

Effect of Saturn in your birth chart

You would have a soft and sweet yet intelligent speech. You will be fond of comforts and a good family life. In some way you will be dependent on your spouse. You would be quite shrewd and some of you may have a thieving tendency too. Your education too can suffer but you will be able to cross this type of problem. Career would be affected and its general prospects and chances of growth would be diminished. Your mother will have a poor health and home life will not be very comfortable or happy. You will be unhappy in your mind."

October 19/24, 2011

 totally me 0 with extra inches/pounds

"Take the positives from it because my sense from it all is strength.. and wealth "Lakshmi""

"but that piece of work with the cast iron.. reminds me of Terry Pratchett's witch heroine.. who's mind was like Iron - impenetrable. She was also able to get into people's heads...that's a powerful piece" .my friend

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Life, Ironies, AC/harlatans and Teacher/Writer Stories in TriniTropics


the magic wand that adjusts myself

i woke up with so much on my mind/ so much so that i did not sleep well. it toiled and turned with me all night. and so i woke up with no abilities this morning > all i had to write, gone from me, at least in any form of coherent elegance; just pointers and quotes, no expansions. the primordials of living took over the esoteric.

the AC was sluggish and blowing warm, so i said I would tend to it before the sun rose too high. Only to my surprise that the thing is in such a decrepit state it is now out of my hands. The professionals must now come in and dismantle it. Professionals used wide, far and loosely, for the professionals were cleaning it all along and yet i have never seen any of them do the work that i now see is necessary. Then i think of the proliferation of AC installers and realize, everyone is selling to gain a dollar or a few. None are servicing, maintaining or building relationships. When they sell these machines, why dont they sell you a year's worth of service automatically? And even as I propose such a thing, when you call them you would not be able to find them. Anyway, the point is, many of the AC sellers/servicers have no clue what is it is they are doing. I just got confirmation from one of the providers, the one I prefer from convesation that he has a lot of business correcting the errors made in installation and service. He emphasized, many are not even installing units properly/ that customers feel "a cool" and have no idea of the technical aspects..One more area of charlatans. So here I am searching on a Saturday morning on an emergency call for an extreme AC Service. Good business to go into, if one is skilled, methodical, and organized, especially in this global warming heat and living in such a polluted country where your unit may need to be serviced every two months. sigh

then my mechanic calls me to give me an update on my vehicle. it is locally bought, so guess what? harder to get parts. So if i had bought a foreign used, he would have an abundance of sources to check for my part. Did you see me channeling the facets and fact of irony and ironic living in trinidad the other day? more points to ponder

so, my Saturday morning has started, albeit glad for the quiet and silence except all the fans in the house blowing on me even as I sit on the no window patio...looking out at the green under full direct top sun brightness... having to release all my plans and intentions>>>for i am out my capacity and fretting will do nothing for morning glory

so let me shift into telling you how living is continually entertaining...
my cousin, in from Baku, in from Houston had a lime last night that no one told me about..both his siblings on here, talked to one almost every day, and nothing, only a frantic aunt phoning me at 7 to tell what she neglected to I dont know how many days prior and running. I get it this morning as I am working the phones on an ac gig. this after the whole family was together on the bess bashment shindig last Sunday. Irony

I hear last night in another lime that I would not have been had i known of my cousin's that, "if i was not about change and making a difference in this trinidad place, I would have jobs coming my way in abundance; but because I am trying to be about something and not about 'eat-ah-food', folk are threatened. threatened that I upset their carts and bounties; their pedestals and petty recognition, name and following...something so

but that came after the most poignant piece for me. having spent the day on a thread of more than 300 comments by midday, i was left thinking and realizing, how much smart and stupidity has conflated...into one result and impact, the same difference. ergo our crisis

a great light at a far off tunnel...I met a visiting professor, who i found at my table when i returned, chatting up family and friends, and then she turns to me and engages...asking me if I am not a teacher...which launched a table talk/klatsch...the fact is I am,was born, inherent, gened...Teacher/MasterTeacher. Been hearing that all my life. supposedly written in my palm.. And listening to her talk, realized, I really should teach...Anyway, i started talking to her of a far off mentor, Parker Palmer...then she asked me what was i doing now, she presumed I was at university or the school system. I told her I was not. She asked why. I said dynamics. She said, "sounds to me that you should write about it". I said I do. I have lots. She said, "i would love to read some of it" and goes onto say, I have a good intrack with JoseyBass, you know, the publisher of Parker Palmer, Perhaps.."

and my eyes lit up, cause in a flash thought.side track, I asked, {Really, Universe, Just now, right now, here, with her, so easy?}...the dream i have been waiting for arrives as I thought it would -not with me selling myself but someone else recognizing...

[back to earth] of course all this is presuppository* so we take it as it comes, no eggs no clutch, nor chickens to count...just following the road through to see where it might lead, what may come

so it appears I wasnt to be anywhere else but where I was...last night. right now. flowing with life as it gives.

and so as I have given off frustration from the night's non-rest, to this morning's non-AC, I decided to do the one good thing I am able---to make another fb page, this one on a matter that has been mulling my brain for months now...a page for the Unemployed...those looking for gigs, work and livelihood..where we can exchange information, contacts and opportunities; list our CVs/Resumes for readers...i guess now that I think about it, it is BranchOut Local...(shrugs-who knew)--thus the way of a poorly thought out plan--an attempt at action in the midst of much inaction/non doing...

share it round to those you know unemployed and underemployed, will you
https://www.facebook.com/pages/UnemployedLivelihood-Seeking-Trinidad-Tobago/140645426033481?sk=wall

Sunday, September 25, 2011

In Solidarity with Poets and Protests - Occupying Wall Street Platform


This is the fifth communiqué from the 99 percent. We are occupying Wall Street.





On September 21st, 2011, Troy Davis, an innocent man, was murdered by the state of Georgia. Troy Davis was one of the 99 percent.
Ending capital punishment is our one demand.
On September 21st, 2011, four of our members were arrested on baseless charges.
Ending police intimidation is our one demand.
On September 21st, 2011, the richest 400 Americans owned more than half of the country’s population.
Ending wealth inequality is our one demand.
On September 21st, 2011, we determined that Yahoo lied about occupywallst.org being in spam filters.
Ending corporate censorship is our one demand.
On September 21st, 2011, roughly eighty percent of Americans thought the country was on the wrong track.
Ending the modern gilded age is our one demand.
On September 21st, 2011, roughly 15% of Americans approved of the job Congress was doing.
Ending political corruption is our one demand.
On September 21st, 2011, roughly one sixth of Americans did not have work.
Ending joblessness is our one demand.
On September 21st, 2011, roughly one sixth of America lived in poverty.
Ending poverty is our one demand.
On September 21st, 2011, roughly fifty million Americans were without health insurance.
Ending health-profiteering is our one demand.
On September 21st, 2011, America had military bases in around one hundred and thirty out of one hundred and sixty-five countries.
Ending American imperialism is our one demand.
On September 21st, 2011, America was at war with the world.
Ending war is our one demand.
On September 21st, 2011, we stood in solidarity with Madrid, San Francisco, Los Angeles, Madison, Toronto, London, Athens, Sydney, Stuttgart, Tokyo, Milan, Amsterdam, Algiers, Tel Aviv, Portland and Chicago. Soon we will stand with Phoenix, Montreal, Cleveland and Atlanta. We’re still here. We are growing. We intend to stay until we see movements toward real change in our country and the world.
You have fought all the wars. You have worked for all the bosses. You have wandered over all the countries. Have you harvested the fruits of your labors, the price of your victories? Does the past comfort you? Does the present smile on you? Does the future promise you anything? Have you found a piece of land where you can live like a human being and die like a human being? On these questions, on this argument, and on this theme, the struggle for existence, the people will speak. Join us.
We speak as one. All of our decisions, from our choice to march on Wall Street to our decision to continue occupying Liberty Square, were decided through a consensus based process by the group, for the group.

https://occupywallst.org/

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

There is A Story Waiting to Be Written - Me and Beautiful, Blithely

the reality is ugly women think they are hot, hot women think they are ugly, skinny girls think they are overweight....So stop labeling yourself and just Luv You and the Skin you are IN


    • Glendon Cameron Very true, I have a friend that is hot as hell and she thinks she is an ugly duckling and I have another friend who walks like a gazelle but leaves the footprints of a pig.....



    • Maven Huggins very interesting...i think there is another category i have learned..."really beautiful women, who dont know they are beautiful, they never think or grew up thinking in those terms and smart as hell"...and only when they get old, like late old, do people finally say to them "she pretty and she dont even know she pretty" or pay the beautiful compliments freely...that they pause and turn around and say, "hey, I was cute?" i wonder what my life would have been like had I acted it?" it fascinates me

      that is me...i have begun to wonder who else is like that

      and this is the first time i am writing this, about this, and it gives me another insight..."the black men i have been around aand with all my life were bullshit mf - high school, college, after..--all of them treated me like shit, dismissed me, cause i did not know who i was...not bad, or abusive, but regular jackass shit,..and i remember this white man who saw me in the Sheraton in Harare, and almost stumbled over himself looking at me, and oddly enough, that was the most gorgeous white man i ever seen in real life, I was with my boyfriend at the time... and he took great and grave offense to the attention i was receiving and was getting mad at me that i noticed...that is what i mean that black men are bullshit. the ones i have been with, it is like their platform was based on my being on my knees , they standing on my back...not me standing in all my glory, and never it be uttered by their mouths




      totally fascinating            
               

      Sorry...;i went into a rabbit hole there. clearly this is something i need to write about. not sure how. "Black Men are Bullshit" tag dont work. and my Daddy did tell me i was good looking all growing up, so it is complicated. I am wondering if there is a "Dont Tell A Black Woman She is Gorgeous Syndrome"? and then my college girlfriend will tell me i acted like i was a bag of chips all through college, and only twenty years later can she say i had the right idea--all that self esteem and knowing self shtick

      deep topic

      thank you brothers..Glendon, your phrasing of 'footprints of a pig' is captivating