The Power of Drawings

i keep telling you i encounter interesting people and fascinating stories on the streets of the neighborhood and cheers at bars...last night...a very tall dark guy i have been observing walking around...always in a black trousers, sunday shoes and bright colored shirts with a tie. yesterday the shirt was coral peach, but usually i remember a yellow. anyway he knew the older lady, a hadco sales exec i was liming with, and he comes over , greets her like an old aunty, and begins to seek approval for the way he dresses..and it appears it is a concerted effort, one as she tells him to earn respect from others, but two, i heard is because he regularly appears in court before magistrates. cases. so he begins to regale us of his times on frederick street...'the hyatt' as both of them describe it but talking about the jail. and he says how that place need to bun down it is so horrific inside there. and how he doing everything to not return there...but here hear this story:

on one of his stays- he was told of this...there was a foreigner inmate in a cell. he drew a ship on the wall. and told his co-inmates that he is out of there, who coming? he told them tomorrow 1pm the ship sailing.. so a few of them were down for the run but most of them felt he was on shit . as he tells this the listener believes they are hearing about a planned daring escape...but by the time for the lift off, no other inmate rolls with the guy. but close to the time he sits down in front the wall of the drawing and begins to rock as if he is on a ship. and then the story jumps to next morning...the listener again presumes that everyone went to sleep leaving this prisoner rocking...in any case, the next morning, all awake to find him gone, vanished, no where to be found...a few days later, they hear of a person found drowned on the shores of Haiti. the inmate was haitian. he was doing voudou (i said magick). he needed the other prisoners to come with him on the journey for sacrifice. they were not forthcoming, his magick was successful but not to keep him alive. the agent himself became the reward and sacrifice for the accomplishment. we were all spellbound listening. I was tickled to have heard that story. to hear how everyday voudoun is for a few, some.  to hear how the shit works, must work.  and even as I write the account I am thinking how careful it is to know who you are around, with and who you choose to go with...unawares you might be the soul on the platter for the portal and agents working and roaming. brotherman closes the story by telling us since that happening frederick street jail administrators and inmates do not use that cell for any reason, putting no inmates in there at all. I wonder how accurate this story from the administrators' purview and i would have loved to hear the same story by other inmates as well.

there is a whole life and existence beyond the seen, that is bigger and more powerful that what is. seen. The Invisible. and from my own story, and I cited the term last night to the same elder lady when I was telling her i have been unemployed for the past five years, The UnImaginable!

Its A Wonderful Life Christmas Spirits, Miracles and Gift Surprises

do you believe in christmas spirits, miracles and gift surprises out of nowhere??!

wonders of all wonders
do you believe in the christmas spirit along the lines of Its A Wonderful World?
and surprises from the depths of Atlantis?
and gifts from out of nowhere?!

my aunt's ex-husband, Garnet, just dropped by to bring them an assortment of black cakes...and said he wanted to talk to me...that it is years since I give Melise something, How am I doing. and man drop a $1000 in my hand.

I was stunned. I teared.

when did that ever happen to me? from anyone? ever? NEVER

i pray it is a sign of things coming.
an omen for the new life being

on other news...the language for that gift still escapes me..i know i had christmas spirit...but surprise and gifts are so inadequate. -- Olu reminds me: MIRACLES

further...i ate so much significant food at a christmas party last night i dont even feel hungry today:
pastelle, mixed rice, potato cheese pie, pigeon peas, roasted chicken leg that was huge, geera pork. and cabbage confetti salad. i took no fish or ham on my plate.

just now sipping coffee..
wishing bars served coffee and tea
there is so much distance for us to go and reach eh.but when you mention it the lilliputian dwarfs cant see it.

give thanks give thanks

How Do You Speak the UnImaginable?

I have lived the unimaginable again and again

I was born unimaginable in ways i can not extend

Starting with two valid birth certificates

one of my mother's maiden and family name

the other of my father
and so i have been in between and inbetwixt

belonging to no one 

proven and shown until now

2014

===========
the collective of our similar experiences
i am not the only one frustrated and spurned by family
my cousin Jerry tells me how he wanted to open up an aquaponics system in the 80s mind you  on his father's land in wallerfield and he denied him. the language he used was selfishness, envy and jealousy. when i asked if that land is still there and what is being done with it, he says it is still there and languishing.

then both anthony and jerry tried to work with their uncle steve and ended up in conflict and blowouts - ideas unreceived, options and opportunities denied. so now we have a failed business man and one who lost everything before his death. jerry;s words./language

and i listened to those stories on saturday and thought to myself something is wrong with these mother fuckers. their parents and the elders and parents of my stories.

then makemba told me last night it was known or at least he got wind that steve was not so great a businessman. i asked where did that view come from he said from someone who tried to do business with him. well. the proof is in the pudding and laundry always washes out in the end.

someone asked me last night 'if i contribute to the household" and i responded when I have. i shared the story with makemba because it was the first time it struck me in all these years, that when asked that question, how can i tell other people that my attempts to contribute were spurned. but makemba cut me off and said, how can  you contribute if you not wukking no where' but i still persisted even though true to indicate how unexpected unbelievable and alter my story.

when i was making $15K a month, I gave $2K a month to a household of two women, and a paid for house. my father thought it was too much

then when I was making $21K a month, I offered to pay for everything my mom wanted to do in the house to fix it up, maintain, improve, finish her patio, her landscaping whatever. incidentally, i suggested we go to the same steve since he had a construction company. both ideas were spurned. my money was not taken. , not accepted, not in parts or total. and no we not going by steve. if this is not an attempt of a sizable and big contribution i dont know what is

then when my money threatened to vanish, if i keep picking at it little by little to live, i thought and proposed to build a highrise compact apartment in the back. i designed it. it would have kept use of our back yard to hang clothes and children play. over the concrete side is where I would have built up to twelve feet under house high or more. under the fruit trees i would have built a deck patio to the grassy area...the first floor would have been a huge open space with sliding doors on an L shape and huge windows with push out jalousies. kitchen, gallery living room and patio. then the second level would have been the bedroom and bathroom. with a climb to a roof top to lime and oversee the city, neighborhood. I would have rented it to professional women like myself who rented...and where there is a shortage. the way our land was set up it was a straight cat walk from the curb to the back and so there would have been minimal interference with tenant to our house. that was spurned.

but now they get to say and talk that "i dont contribute"
are their words for that kind of subversion, passive aggressive, deceit and treachery?

Cause I dont think so

even when i had no money...contribution means, i could cook, clean the house, manage affairs, relieve the elders of that role, right..do the gardening...but ah...what is the call and concern then.? I am controlling! i want to take over!

it was clear to me that i was seen as a threat and had been treated as such for years before I even discerned it.

my cleaning was called obsessive and ocd. it wasnt. It was just different.
different like i dont use the scrubbing brush in the laundry room used to scrub tires and the bathroom to scrub provision going in a pot.

no one would ever believe my story and that is what i posed to my friend makemba...how can i defend myself against such unknown madness. who would believe such stories

#bloodishateful
when they out to destroy you

two things have saved me in the recent weeks
a neighbor down the street who lived here/there since the time of my grandfather and knows him to his daughter...and has been wondering "how I managing" and the first time he mentioned it i just glanced it over not offering eye twitch, mum or word. the second time he told me his own experience and story and told me she is a 'manipulator' and i never ever thought of that word but that is exactly what she has been doing...i was the golden girl and so she has sown seeds to everyone that i am such a demon, that i do xyz but it has all been the madness and bad behavior one exhibits under the assault of unforeseen shocking surprising forces from within..and then not so much.

i remember the one thing I heard a lot was that I was controlling and it was surprising to me because my only one mission is just to live my life. i so dont bother with other people and what they doing but it was after a while and several shouting matches that i realized what was going on: projection number one and the fact that it was she, they and them who was trying to control me. that was the building block problem right there. and the first control was their anger at me not suing my father, whom they hate with a passion more than me. that is the third problem or first, however you look at it. i am carl huggins' daughter. the man they hate with the globe of hatefulness. the man they will say destroyed their sister.

and then jerry..jerry said something so profound and insightful indicating a skill i dont have...he said he has been around so long and been around so many different characters he can identify peoples energy intent and vibration effortlessly and that these two women never had him fooled. that they were cold and had an aire that they were better than them. and all the aunties hug in a bear grip and embrace but not and never them... and i listened...and realized wow. the other thing people do is when they feel inferior they often appear to treat others as such...and that is what i was hearing...there is such a package of dynamics. i thought of it while I slept last night...the map to understand and delineate the mind, dysfunctional dynamics of people's motivations is often nonexistent. but we have to contend with it anyway.

it has been a long haul
this is what has been destroyed in the fire
I realize i can do installments of destruction by fire, 2014
family is one. career and professionalism is two. male relationships is three
the one thing still standing and struggling to do so by fingernails is the creative ideas of self determination that sprout up like dandelions...persistent!

selah.
i constantly write my testimony!

now imagine if all this occurs with the one person who is to be the matriarch of a family
the one person who was your sole female example from a child into adulthood
have you any idea of the heartache?
but i been here before
the first time with my father
also someone i would never have conceived a certain set of experiences was ever possible
human demons will surprise you
strap on and be ready

to fly aloft away off the cliff in a wing suit
be prepared for the day when the only thing you can do is take it day by day, hour to hour. it is a kind and form of vagrancy.
or spirituality

Winter Solstice of 2014 NYC BedStuy . He did/He died - Guest Post

Ernesto Mercer:

"In a few hours it will be dawn of the shortest day of the year. The day will draw towards early deep dark quickly. Throughout this day we will be questioned about this Struggle we have found ourselves in. We will be told that our Speaking Truth to Power, our days & nights of Outrage, our refusal to accept brutality, judicial murder & the blatant refusal of the majority of this country to even try to believe that our Existence matters & our refusal to accept that, declared to be the problem. We will see that our friends of the moment are gone. We will see the mettle of our allies. We will perhaps see the shrinkage of our numbers. We will see police forces, already out of control, become even more inhumane than many have so far seen. We will see many of our own become frightened & lose their resolve as Power truly forms up to put us all again back into our places. We will hear lies, misrepresentations & all the Ugly & the Evil that can be mustered. As the day grows dark, our communities will be deep with the instrumenta of Control. As bad as these days are, as bad as they will get I tell you: it will be a better day than many of our ancestors ever had. It will be a day in which there will still be those who will not, who cannot go back, go in, go hide, go away. Whatever the reality of events as they are now ( & there are many reasons to mistrust the Narrative of the Police State), one thing remains true: every 28 hours. That may get worse. Many say they want Peace. I truly believe they want us to shut up. Many say they want Justice. They just want to have the Status Quo. When the money broke down & the Banks were bailed out but we were left high & dry, we let folks joke us out of the Street. Pundit us out of discipline. Push us out of Occupation. & the Banks came back. We have learned that each of us is a leader. We have learned that World agrees with us. We have learned that we, the People have Power. We have across generations found Heart again. Heart is the thing they want to kill. If we allow them to do that, we will truly have let them win. I am just a minor poet, a person with few resources & no pull. I am priest with no surety of the Divine. My love is hard & harsh. I am very unruly. But I do believe in you everyday, anyway. As the day grows dark, as they come ready to do their worst, however you chose to struggle, do not let them destroy your Heart. This was never about the short term. Be well. The very best to us all."

Life Stories of the Dead

3. i had such an interesting day yesterday...i have no words
a family funeral I did not attend. something going on with me that i dont have words for but this is the second such. but something to brag about ..it would be my cocopayol family that have a paranderos band side playing at the burial site in the cemetery a week before christmas. with the high hills of hinter maracas in the background. somethings surreal

4. more surreal to hear the innerworkings, depth and cellar of my uncle's life, behind the veneer of his lucrative business in decorating and construction, the reams of friends who were leeches, enemies, users, thieves and destroyers. the apparent financial ruin his business was at the end, to find out that it was sold off months if not a year ago and perhaps his fancy valsayn fete home that almost everyone has been to..and how that home was being used as a brothel of sorts for his big pappy friends in various businesses how past president max and his wife owes him over two hundred thousand dollars, and after two years max wife talking about fix this door, this toilet, and what not in order to pay. sandra my cousin, steve's daughter, just tell her after they ignored all the lawyer letters, "you have a nice life" and as she mentioned last night is a lot of times she done say that already and have it many more times to say besides...and then to hear of the deep fissure in their core family and the sound of expectant conflict over property, cars and houses and how his big time friend headley, who himself is suffering from alzheimers and prostate sold a property they had together and just gave steve back the money he put in not half the profits..and how almost none of his friends and pal walls who he fete and drink so hard with came to look for him this last year, and how his favorite pal of all whom i actually met, dr. nunes from barataria where steve's business was , was also his drinking buddy and doctor...and how neglectful he was over two years ago not to insist that steve get the mri results checked when the tumour was a small speck.....

 i also heard how the business had zero structure and administration that when sandra was processing the close there were no files she had to box material by : 'rachel's desk' 'patrice's desk'...that the business was a free for all...secretaries bringing checks for steve to sign and he just signing not checking or reading, and giving employees his gold and platinum credit cards to go get out money from the machine because he did not know the machine and jerry say "see uncle: for him time and technology was moving faster than him and he did not keep up"....but if you saw my uncle and if you saw his house. it is just another dynamic of a dichotomy a paradox.. so dapper, so refined. but it seems like it was all a charade and so unnecessary. i think of the years i have been here and how i end up in this conversation is that i told my cousin gail organize some conversations about what will happen with uncle steve business because I will be willing to take it over and run with it. It was only two years ago I went to him to ask his help in getting some kitchen and bathroom tiles made for market and industry out of my paintings...he sent me to ceramics. last night they indicated that fell into the time when he was making bad decisions.. for the tumour had affected his brain. but i heard something else. I was listening to stories from long before, decades. I know that employees dont up and not have structures and processes in business..if there was none at the end it is because there were none at the beginning and middle....but most of all when I heard all these things nothing struck me so much as how it is my uncle steve who was so aloof and elusive to and within the family, with a successful business carl huggins will say he stole from him, cause that is what my father was doing in ny from since the 70s...allowed all this madness.

I had no words. i literally was listening with my head swiveling from side to side depending on who was talking with my mouth open. both me and another nephew were in a stupor. the other one worked with him for awhile.. but i share this with you to share in my observation of life, how what appears is never almost never real. how shocking things can turn out. how it seem every family is madness but this more than anything: i told them how freeing it was for me to hear of those travails.not that i am relishing in them.but because since i landed here i have thought and found trinidadians to be deceitful, hateful, treacherous among a whole bunch of other things. i was shocked to hear how consistently, thoroughly and wide ranging my uncle's experience with such. and he never left trinidad to live elsewhere so my thoughts of it is me because I am different, I dont know the culture, I am so opposite is bullshit. this place treacherous through and through and karma is a bitch that dont sleep and a witch practiced in plenty prayers and incantations and tief from tief making mas in this place. no one is left unscathed and as far as I can see is them the first ones to dead. or something so, or perhaps some who do dirty deeds arent as bad as they appear or really have good hearts and pure souls or have special protection..something like carl huggins so but i can tell you i see all his enemies come to nought, early. thoroughly fascinating this steve story

5. there is nothing for me to do and fix
and my stories are neither novel; nor my character unique
to be the judge of character is the only solution it appears

6. a graphic i just posted reminds me of my ongoing list of news thoughts and observations: married life..as wide and interesting as an ecological landscape in trinidad: endless permutations. and i am more concerned right now with the iconography of wives. some sisters are really sick.. deep into psychosomatism as a means to get what they want, need and not getting. some so fragile and insecure. others so grounded and secure. and i cant help but think the husbands have everything to do with that. see, the definition of a good man is one who keeps shit and shady so far away from his wife and so that she never even considers it is valid to suspect a thing. and i am often amused..if you think you have a man,... or you think you know where your man is...or if you think you know what your man would or would not do..i have a bridge to sell you. and i will sell it to you for free.
‪#‎idontwannabe‬

Sagitarrius Christmas 2014

It is an interesting time of the MMLadyH Cosmos
you would and could surprise yourself with the landscapes in which you find yourself, your gifts, your blessings....







Something of the Sagitarius Zodiac named so for the significance of Vaughn Mark Lewis who has occupied my thoughts and desires since June 25th and now as his birthday approaches on the 19th, i bid him, the idea of him, my desire for him, my allure toward him, good bye..and do so a week before Christmas...

I did something odd and novel. posted on social media sites for various offers, desires and services:
Massages, Men, Courtesan Situations, and Encounters. And woah the traffic.

And all this comes at the end of a year and a season.

Add to that, I had a phone conversation with Chase a week ago, while liming, that lasted an hour. I phoned thinking i was trying to make a link for a gentleman I met as we talked of his father he never met but whose last name is Celestine. I met Chase's friend in Tobago, Celestine and thought that could be a link. Anyway, since then, he asked me out for a burger on Tuesday as I told him how the household here have refused me eating their food in the house. Interesting times indeed. The close of seasons, "the start of the beginning" of things, and new vistas and characters, a whole new world threatens: Peace with Chase...I can tell he wants to see me physically. And even admitted he still have feelings for me : "i never end the love I have for someone" and that was my problem with him and his other girlfriends and peoples. But we closed our acrimony as the year of time took care of my pain and began  talks on doing projects..he wants to build an apartment building and I effortlessly launched into design talks with him. As always, he likes my ideas. So this is a new path with who knows where it shal lead

And that is what I wanted to write about as risque as it is.

In 2007, 2008, I explored modern day courtesan pages on the net. Seemed I had a drive to become one, so sans of sex, affection, male energy and relationships my life was, has been, entrenched for decades. No one would believe. Everyone looks at me and tells me I am good looking, beautiful, have a great body, a wonderful ... but men rarely approach me. If they do it is just for sex from the most uninteresting unalluring of males, they are not even men. And then in the locus where both of us are found, doing hookups is just asking for trouble, much like my hook up with Mark who he saw me, determined, designed, created, and executed..without any conversation and without my permission, agreement, intent. But I liked it thoroughly and fell in love or addiction or deep internal cosmic attraction to his sex, body and energy. Like our physical selves were made for each other, but oh the tumultuousness of a very erratic male character with a girlfriend. So despite having amazing sex with this man, in the close to six months we have known, we have only had sex about six times. Totally unacceptable as was and is my unfettered desire and his unforthcoming empty words and promises. For him, I think i appear rich and with a car that persists to mean little beyond just transportation for me but appears to be the biggest signifier of bling to the common citizen of tobago and trinidad.
Chase explained it to me...I am driving an SUV, not a b13, not a -- i forget all the cars he rattled off.
Anyway, i think Mark was as in love with me at the very beginning..he even told me how he was just filled the next day with thoughts of me and that was just not going to be so he shut it down under control. And that is him. He is incredibly strongwilled and minded. I have nothing on or close to him in that department though people see me steel willed, describing me as iron strength. No. They have no idea. So after months of requests for him, his time, his energy and interest, more 'No's" than I can ever collect they spilled all over, I am ending my interaction with him. I held on too because The Energy made me think we had a destiny and future together. But I think i have been delusional.

So moving on from that Sagittarius, it is the Christmas Season...and not that I timed it that way or was intentional or mindful. Last week I placed a public ad, three actually. And the week has been exciting.

I think of the twenty two year old black young man driving a Land Cruiser, pick up, much like one I would be willing to drive east on the highway while I was with Sharon in search of a blind pursuit for money for her. I knew my efforts were limited but for some reason, because I had nothing to do, I decided to appease an appearance for a search. This from the person who when last she saw me was quite cold and indifferent despite her behavior, her failures, and my money moneylent to her. But all of that was for my fortitude. $36K for a $10K loan.

Anyway, I asked the guy, Carlyle George if he would be willing to sell. He said no and proceeds to tell me that he has three. I give him a side eye squint and ask to meet him. He gives me his cell,  and we talk, we make plans to meet for drinks that evening and then he texts me he has an emergency. I gathered he spoke to someone and they told him to be concerned. a black man concerned for a black woman living in the same neighborhood. What has the world come to? But I wanted to know from him how such a young person has so many of those vehicles, who his family was and what he did. And, he went to get a bike helmet. I was going to make that little boy my biker boyfriend. He drive one cruiser, I the other.  My biker boyfriend finally. But alas, fear took over...Fear of what i do not know for sure> An older woman cause I was deep into cougar forest country. Fear of a black face. Fear of an unknown person in Trinidad that I could be killed, robbed or kidnapped. It is deep to me though. Fear is a big piece that emerges.

So by the time that day passes, I have responses to my internet ads.
And here is why i wanted to write. So far, all the men who have responded have been Indians.
Being ostensibly African in this culture of Trinidad and Tobago this dynamic is interesting and very separate from what the myths would have you believe Or maybe it is I am just now being oriented*.

And I have been having a time, incidentally, unintentionally, I have been wined, dined and fared..without limitations. The first one was  last week. We met at Toppers, we smoked cigarettes, I drank wine, he beer, and ate cutters and I a shrimp bacon ceasar salad and sat for hours talking of all things

The other thing I wanted to tell you about these men: All of them are impressive. Even the first who was a serious characteristic iconic 'coolie'...in dress, appearance, religion and location: Hindu and Las Lomas. But his mind. Oh my Om!. He studied Psychology at UWI and seemed really adept and insightful. He said he was so enthralled with me, one time, not apart for my looks but because of the PhD...he had an affinity for intellectualism, education.. And we had similar views on almost everything we discussed. There was not one opposing view. And then I ended the lime to go to neighborhood parang which was a bust. While I was moving toward a new life, I lingered in mind with the old and its people only to find they were all vanished..


I offered to meet him again before the weekend ended as he expressed regret that i had other plans and leaving him but he had to study for exams. We friended on fb but i have not seen or heard hide of him. And because the new males i have met have been and appear to be more intriguing I have thought to just let that linger. The others are less oppositional Indian, more cosmopolitan, though might not be as intellectual. We shall see. we can do a She's Gotta Have It scenario and dance with all to get their different aspects.

So this week, two more Indians. And their names eh. Las Lomas was Dave Rudy Ragbir. But is the Dave Rudy. This week I met Mark! no last name, he is real jittery, but 6'2" gorgeous handsome faced man, if not lanky skinny narrow.. And he presented a pic of his ..and you do know the saying that the men with the biggest are often the tall skinny types...my girlfriend from college I remember her saying that all those decades ago, like it was yesterday..Carol from Long Island, My Philly Soror

Mark and I had wine and hot cocoa at the Arabic place at One WoodBrook Place. Never eat there at least not the lamb kebabs.  I sent mine back and Mark and I discussed service and food in trinidad. he paid for it. This was after we met at Trader Jack where he paid for the wine I had before he arrived. A total gentleman I tell you. From a good strong classical cloistered Hindu home and family in St. Augustine, living with his grandmother. 35 or so as is Rudy.

Then this morning, another indian from South: Andre. see name. Andre is the name of my college boyfriend as well. I met him. at 5am in the dark of morning. And he is so gentle, kind and considerate. An accountant pulling $60K a month he says working on his own. That what other accountants take months to do he does in hours and that he has like crazy clients from failed tax payments, to the big firms, to government ministries. blow mind! and he still can make more money.

Andre has great technique, expansive knowledge
But here is the third reason I wanted to write about this
These indian men. I have only seen one member so far but the thing is the ad I put out had a picture and I asked readers, if they had 'that" which was a jamaican massive. For Andre to have responded I realize either these men are delusional, which we have always heard of but never had proof of, or that is their technique to increase the traffic. You send them nine by twos and they send you back as entry six by ones. Sigh. The only thing that saving them is their class and behavior, and so far, skill. and that goes a long way>

And just in one encounter, and hearing the magnitude of work he has, I immediately thought it might be possible to work with Andre in his accounting business and with clients..And perhaps a life of profession, moneymaking and security? From an online connection?...the possibilities of what can unfold if only we dared to venture..

Then I met other writers/responders on line...A businessman from NJ who comes to Trinidad about five times a year...He wants to get some of my Reiki Massages. And two others, expats, locally, who also want to book.

As I mentioned, I did this venture for several reasons: One, to make money and get new clients...The PhD in Economics need to scrounge new vistas, highs and lows to make it forward, and to satisfy my own sexual needs that have been languishing for more years than anyone would dare to believe.

Andre this morning, seemed like a catch, If he were single I would pursue him in a heartbeat. But the other thing that strikes me is how all of us have one foot in normal and another on the edge, in the darkness, off line. As one said, no one would believe my shy conservative veneer shields such freakiness.


Right now as I write, I sip cinammon clove honey black lipton tea...waiting to get ready for a 3pm meeting with Kenny from Arima. he offered he is not indian but likes Indian food. We shall see what these encounters bring. Why am I meeting with him? He offered me lunch and a christmas present of my choice. I had to tell him. I had no idea what to say I wanted, It has been decades likewise since I have received a christmas or birthday gift of any kind . And by this you get  a sense of why i am out here in the wilderness, exploring desert territory..

Let it not be said that I did not live while i was here
Or that i did not pursue solutions and answers to what is lacking.

Cheers
All out There
(i feel this might be disjointed with dangling story tags...if so forgive me)

Seccember (Sequence December) 2014

 
 Jp Parsons's Doodle...so Seccember
=====================

i love jobs that require you to have a vehicle.
their asses should be providing one.
why should you run down your asset in operation to their bottom line
dynamics like that show you the real truth of situations. 'slave' and usury
one job has as its second expectation in terms of reference as:
"respect to superiors at all times" - language and mindsets like that tell a lot
then i got a call from a prospective employer who posted the job as a few words with a telephone number. I text. She is responding. She negates to identify herself, the company. She tells me she got the message but did not read the text. She instead of outlining the job tries to ask me what I contacted for, I try to tell her 'information' She for some reason can neither hear or interpret me and many may have wondered why it is I texted and did not phone.  But in her approach to ask, she says, "First of all, are you experienced with letter press do you know what one is?" and her huff and arrogance just made me say, "yes, I will have to talk with you another time" . Folk out here think as employers they are somehow on some pedestal and they show all the ways and reasons that is far from the truth.
but it made me realize, folk dont apply and look for jobs in perpetuity. at some point they stop. nobody got time for that level of annoyance.

so it is a new month. a new day. what makes today different from yesterday, who says it is really the first of december and not actually the twentyfirst of ambleduary?
we got tied up in so many ways, but selah, nevertheless, i am trying to be new. Trying to test my resolve and strength. Test the truth of an old belief story and myth that I am strong like that iron. Trying to build construct a new life, Change my energy vibration to aid and manifest the life I want to come, so I want to do everything differently. the last month of 2014 , walking into 2015

and as i think of changes and new times i cant help but remember the old and recount the level ass punks i have encountered this year trying to do and build one thing or another. and so many times I thought they were done deals either for on the ground and long term familial connections, reputations, belief systems, Orisha, Africans, philosophy, or just trying to be an honest person trying to crack a nut. They all turned out to be trifling ass mother fucking nobodies. just good enough for posing, but full of shit, lacking integrity, truth, character or even basic civility to come back with a word of No. and let me tell you from the bottom street to the top of finance...folk in this place are all the same...seeming fearful to be direct, face to face and honest. No. not this time. Not today. just leave it all let it languish into nothingness. fucking curs and cowards. been saying it for years. and not just me either. and it is not just people i know either. it is also politicians who seek to serve citizens of this nation, a few I have written telling them this is my situation, this is what I consider doing, and havent received the action promised or a response. the women are no different from the men. shafeeza mohammed in san juan?? and donna who in morvant? and stacy before she got thrown under the bus. and the head of hr for some energy company, margaret somebody, reminds me too of margaret sampson browne. wrote her many years ago to offer my support in the work she does to violence and abuse victims, the woman never acknowledged or answered. I continue sailing on. like looking for jobs and applying...at some point you are not bothered in talking, reaching out or engaging another soul. folk will ask me to always believing that their people are so much better and different and you to yourself know, there are no different animals in the zoo...just the basic traditional common ones in masques. fix yourself no one will fix it for you and plenty will destroy

woke up the second time thinking of carl huggins my father. how he sold my mother's house in labaja that was a rental, my mother lived with her sisters after she had us thinking she left him and was divorcing. that would have been a house I could have lived in or continue renting to make money. labaja is now one big housing income generating site and a nice place to live. i think of how i could have turned shoe clinic into a franchise once again..this time dealing in leather crafts, shoe and phone repair and phone sales. Employing and apprenticing so many young males. So it was in my dreams. i think of all the sins my father has committed against me and my mother and wondered when will he ever pay. and not just me. he has appropriated a legacy, house and land that belonged to other siblings, but they have just washed their hands. I somehow, am still trying to transcend. in a place that gets paid to thwart, block and frustrate. committed they are to your paralysis or downfall, and if not that, aborted manifestations and plans

this is just my end of year assessment. have you done yours yet?

------------on another note, but more of the same hatefulness that seems to come effortlessly, i read someone refer to the prime minister's gift bags to children as "freeness" and I wondered, when did we ever consider gift giving to children as freeness? and wondered how much load was in that trailer truck of a statement

like i said, i am counting the days and making assessments of how far i have to go, how many mountains to climb, how many cliffs to gain, chasms to bridge, my life to change

the good news I can share with you...when i reflect on my list of goals and missions for 2014, i realize accomplishment and resolve does not always come as you picured or conceptualized. It in fact may remain on the list of things to do. rolling over into the next year, 2015, but going in, you are crystal clear on many facets: your intention, your purity, your dedication, your entitlement either by spirit, ancestors, deeds, god will, good will, integrity, spiritual justice or ancient history, as in Santa Maria! some people do you bad things but is like that was the only way to lay gold at your feet and sprinkles in your locs

the struggle is real and it continues
my legacy of wealth and royalty maintains and I continue to obtain