Living with other people curtails the fullness of how one wants to live. This is definitely true for living with relatives and parents. I now realize it might also be true for spouses and lovers unless you happened to have been blessed with or chosen by your mirror mate. It is definitely true for those who want to live outside ethnic barrios and ideas. One being rural-country and multiethnic in thought, variety and value in the midst of folk who just live one straight line of identity, say town, African, limited, might be the challenging picture I propose.
But i awaken this morning with thoughts of the year ending, this 2011 and how have I fared; what did not get done? And asked myself do I want to enter 2012 the same way as I lived and managed 2012? Or are their changes necessary
I also woke recognizing I need to make a full list of my body ailments for my initial visit with Dean Ammon, a Thai massage therapist.
On not living to fullness at the immediate daily level, I thought, I want to have hammocks in my house. Under my house. I want to have a house opened to the elements that breathes. I want to be in a wood house. I want to live in the mountains of St. Joseph, Amidst green and in a spring for pristine clean water. I want to sleep out under the stars somehow. Perhaps my house will have a cocoa roof. I want to live apart from noise. I awaken this morning having a fairly peaceful morning...not awakened by massive vehicles cars and trucks tearing through the neighborhood that really needs to be and will be rezoned. It is only because school is closed so the morning traffic is less. It is no longer residential this place that used to be an agricultural estate, and running between the highway and the main road in the barrage of too many cars on a small island, many motorists try to cut through here to avoid the backups elsewhere, to our--the residents in homes, detriment, displeasure and discomfort. Barataria is a Woodbrook waiting to happen, I see, it is to follow that eventuality...it will be filled with businesses; another center that never sleeps. I in fact would want to convert this house into a cafe, restaurant liming spot. Elegantly comfortably so.
But last night I in my salon boudoir, I was between the
neighbor's radio listening, to someone else playing Luther Vandross It is Christmas on perpetual cycle, in pondering a headache as I watched my computer screen in the dark, with only the TV on mute to low because I could not take more noise. And I could almost pull my hair out because life is not to be lived so, but that is the life in Trinidad and Tobago. Completely subjected to everything and everyone about you. There are no boundaries nor limitations. Nothing is to be unexpected. For anything goes.
I also do not want to feel hemmed in when others about you are not as kind to receptive.
So I wake up. Feeling my body. Recognizing my arms feel as they do because I am on the computer typing way too much, but the brain and the words are backed up to write, though I suspect the stress on the arms are not the same in old fashioned writing. And it is these physical feelings that bring on this writing. Recognizing I cannot continue so. That it is a level of powerlessness/passiveness.
I want to OCCUPY2012
~ But there are so many threads tied up into this one theme. I had plans and dreams to make my first million this 2011. Things I wanted to do this December for 2012 aren't happening and I have decided not to fight nor push. Mercury is in retrograde, is the message all about the place. So I am still waiting for the fullness of the stars' shift to my gateway opening..But of all this muse, my consideration is not about my financial and material improvements, forecast or projections for 2012. I am solely centered on the life of the sentient physical body: where and how I want to live. That is all I am wishing and praying for/wishing for some magical bestowing of house and land in mountain hills, quiet and secluded from the maddening people and their twisted minds. Safe
This muse is about how I spend my days, doing what, after I consider where. Last night I switched off Facebook recognizing that it has become a mindfield, at least the Trinidad landscape: fake profiles, snakes in the grass, politics in balisier and sun, and the penchant pertinent haters. And that is before the ongoing never stop riling hateful wretched critique of our lives lived and corrupt poisoned socio-economic-political landscape. My withdrawal and silence is not enough. Now I need to switch it off and move away. What is the point? I see the end is drawing near. And perhaps I ought not disown it totally for I have made sales and inroads there, but really? to the point of keeping it and staying married to it? No. Life is to live outside and off Facebook. I thought that on Monday being out and about with my vehicle in repair. But nights like last night are not what I want for myself.
I want to live elsewhere. I need to live differently. I need to move. I need to do yoga. I need to swim in the ocean. I need to get massages. I need to stretch and become limber. I remembered this morning to not be such a victim and try to help myself, so in between sleep and wake I was giving my self Reiki . Focusing on my abdomen and my hip joint where my back meets my hip connector. It feels out of alignment and gets so regularly. I do not know why. My arms are all tight and knotted as are my finger joints. Oftentimes I imagine me digging my hands in soil. I need to plant and grow things. I need to plant and grow myself. I need sex. I need to grow up in ways and manners of how I go about getting it. Waiting and Seeking Knight of Kings, Hands of Healing and Mind of the Stars Men is not working. I cant live the life I need to be hemmed in. And I am hemmed in. Even this morning, I saw myself buried to the head in sand, imagining some healthful benefit to doing so; some friend lover man is the being who buried me and placed a hat over my face to shield the sun and we both under the shade of a coconut tree, he watching over me as immobile as I would be buried.
These are my journal thoughts for this morning. Probably best left for a real journal. Peculiar that so much of my inner life and thoughts are out in public domain even as I am- while living. But the computer and these various platforms of fb, blog, and status make writing easy. And why not a personal word document diary then? I dont know. I also realize my whole writing life is convoluted in its multiple sources. Between my journals I have kept for twenty one years, 44 volumes. To various manuscripts, two. Several essays, published; my Facebook status, to compile and notes; and here this blog. All together they all form the fullness of my writing. So much so when I came to write this, I had no idea where to lodge these ideas and took a few moments waffling between a real book journal and the computer. See the computer weighs out. Know how much editing and additions have happened effortlessly since I started at 8:08? It is now 8:57am
And still, another reason I talk of needing to live a fullness, I dont want to think about nor consider challenging others on their stupidity. It is enough to deal with my own, do I need to add others and another? I want my space free.
My aunt traveled to the States for about two months. She took my ArtPost line with her to sell some. She spoke to me on Monday. And this lady tried to enter into a blithe lecture telling me to try to be 'pious'. What I think she meant was to be humble. But all I could realize is that she traveled up there with the rest of my troupe haters--all family-- aunts uncle, and cousins, so she came back full. I just shut down and listened. I offered no response. I was just shocked how in the midst of someone offering to do something nice, seemingly, they come back with proof of so much hate. You all had time to sit down and have a cauldron about me, did you? I need to be "pious, dont let it be known all you can do">? I think they talked about how talented and skilled I am for our and any small population and how they think I am full of myself.> That is the kind of thing, people and energy I want to stay far away from. Not one of those family members bought any of the products: $40 for a poster. $3-5.00 for greeting cards. All Art. 18 x 24 and 5 x 7, respectively. Aint that hateful? This is what I mean by wanting my space free.And right now, I live in space not of my own. For the first time since 18, I have returned to be subjected to what I was running away from; first Carl Huggins my father, now lesser and more beings, relatives, among us. What is my science and mathematics? What is the purpose of all these acrobatics? I just know that 2012 please, give me the power to make corrections.
The man who repaired my window on Monday, he blessed me, even if he was just talking bullshit mamaguy--but i take it and turn it around---He said I was going to get another vehicle soon, in six months, and that I would win the lotto. I am going to hold onto those words as if Magic and Magickal. I need more than saving, salvation, miracles and rainbow's pots of gold. I need the earth and life as it has formed and I know it and arrived in and to, to shatter. And that is what this writing is about. A Prayer to lay on the Altar of Fire and Water. Something else that comes from this morning...I just want to be about prayer, goodness, light and power. A Solitary Lion
Good Morning
Afterthought while washing dishes, making tea:
And yet, what it is, what this is, is where it is, and what for and where I am to be grateful. Ashe'
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Janine. I have a rash on my back just so
I just touched it and felt all these bumps. You imagine that???
what to do>? Doctor? Or home remedy>
aloes.... (for everything)
hmmm can anyone take a look at it tho because it could be something else
maybe go to doctor just in case
alright. to the doctor I go
Yes just in case .. you never know
yes did you go to Doctor?
yes
":contact dermatitis" again
dr. indicated "allergies" since i have to keep taking the meds from last time, last issue and visit
he assessed it was the top i wore yesterday for it has precisely the shape. a cotton tank my aunt gave me.
He gave me an injection and sent me home with, yes, prednisone and allegra to take for five day. he said it would linger or not go away without the prednisone. and because the man has been right every time before, I just expressed my surprise, resolve and went along my merry way. he said he did not mind the arguing and opposition..but i am very grateful for him: right there and dispensary and is appearing to be competent.
Now.
Now. assess this, with me waking and writing this, this morning, upon waking
and then talk to me
http://questioneverythngevenyourself.blogspot.com/2011/12/living-life-fully-personally.html
questioneverythngevenyourself.blogspot.com
what do you think is the genesis of this hate within your family? I know how family can be but is it that they feel you owe "them" something... just jealousy? you being a black sheep?
lol..Janine.>
whey you come out from with "hate within your family"?
Or is there some writing that I missed? in between
Fill me in before i expound and consider...You hit me for six there
l;_)
i read the blog.. about your aunt,, taking your stuff.... and no one buying it? melise should be more pious
if that is not hate what is? I think is what you wrote?
oh. I was wrong. sorry.
that aunt is one side one story...
My mind is the aunts here. and my skin rash
LORD> what did i just write
so it took me by surprise that you jumped to hate from the skin thing which is where my brain is at
GIrl. you just put on more light yes
and i think there is more here for me to realize than I know and knew/
hated on all sides?
by all?
where it come from? I am all things these people are not. with nothing i think i have and am more than they ever will and do
was just thinking as I ate, instead of my mom learning from me she chastises me. calls my cleanliness a fetish but with no house cleaner, ever so often, happen twice, she comes to use my bathroom rather than hers, because hers gets so unwieldy. the only thing I can ascertain...when it happens but I am like, why not practice a little bit of what i do rather than chastise
Girl i eh know.; I have no answers
i think i shared the blog too early
what are your thoughts first about the contact dermatitis and the allergies of my environment. that is one thing
wow.
pondering your responses and seeing the whole of my experience and not in part is giving me serious pause
it is scaring me actually
yes it is scary
Hmm I'll think some more on it myself,, because it mirrors something I've seen in my own family
Janine Le Gendre
I love the morale of that blog tho.. because what you're really talking about is being centered
walking away from teh shite ..
taking a break
from those who don't you... those you wunna be you and jealous
etc
leave them to their crosses
Hmm
when last you went for a sea bath?
---------------
concurrently/ another conversation
Maven Huggins
"I am not a religious person, and had eschewed religion but in recent weeks I see myself in visions praying and asking for protection and covering myself/placing myself on altars...
this is making me show the need to do that"
" this is no longer a time to be human. and for me it never was, but i was thinking i was overboard.. clearly, not so"
Melville Foster
" And so,we have a lot of food for thought.Yet knowledge strenghtens the armour of our resolve,and mail-clad we sally forth.Of more trolls,goblins and sprites we are of unapproachable mettle."
