3:/30

it is a weird day today in the cosmos

when i woke up at 3:23 in time to be awake for 3:30am on 03/30

i knew then

and when i resumed sleep at minutes to four, my head full of revelations, directions and notes I was writing in my head preparing for when i wake up, and now almost none remain.

a big white pick up truck, ford or mazda, nissan even, but the back seat in the latter is too small. i refuse for it to be white, however, and think of a palette of orange, pink, blue and white//

popup women's support sessions , held in savannahs around the nation. where we move with a tent. stove tops and grills, all our food, set up, cook a meal to share for whomever comes, tell them to bring a chair, seat, crate to sit on and we have these massive chat circles

i saw me with a generator and a big tank of soapy bleach water on the tray blasting a drain by an establishment in the middle of the night.

and yet still, none of this was the meat of my sleeping. maybe the rest will come to me as the day goes on/ On how and why is today weird. like my cycle circling five days earlier.

my clarity to have sons with narine boodoo.. he is a healer you see. and one who is kind and compassionate. he kept on seeing about me when i stopped having money. then i remembered I said one child;s godmother would certainly be Tricia. she too. an Indian. my aesthetician, who sees me whenever i need, it has been a long time and trek.to know good people in trinidad so long. nine years..

and i thought how weird is this. has anyone ever had their significantly older sibling be their godparent?

in my dream there seemed to be a black muslim family who operated what appeared to be a snackette but it was also a bar, and patrons sat around outside, and under the rum shop upstairs gallery, on tables and chairs, out in the yard, on the grass.

i remember seeing into some hole a woman's hand bag strap, and it caught my eye cause it was of hand made local leather, and i pulled it out and searched inside, there was a spare key for a car, much like for my honda. i now remembered in the dream, narine asked me where is my car and why have i not come to see him more regular, and when i tell him the car was done he says he will send his son to pick it up to fix it. and i thought to myself he will be surprised to see how much it is banged up. all from in the bad mind in the yard and the house.

in tune with the universe to note its movements and system alignments? like when it is 3:30am on March 30, 2016 and your cycle comes five days early at exactly 11:11 on March 29th?

it is even like that cycle is saying, look hear, time is running out we advancing the timeline on the turnaround. increases the windows on shorter lapses. doubt that the universe knows my name?

Shithounds, Sermons and Survivals

"shithounds on this island who cant survive anywhere else; myself included"

that gives me pause as I read it. someone else's words. and i turned it and wondered. does that apply to me? could I? and as i thought i did survive elsewhere, multiple places, I asked myself if that were true, and if it were true would i be here. and I think. woah complexity.

the truth is i am surviving here as what is here does not exist elsewhere. even if i thought, after i left, there were things i could have done, had i been left alone, is no excuse , no matter how legit it may be.

but it reminded me of a sermon i heard once. you know i used to be big in church dance. baptist .i was really into scriptural analysis, reading scriptures was like reading great literature. i have within my trove of writings, notes on all the sermons I ever attended for a period of time from like 1990 to 2000 or so...anyway, one of them is when you are getting squeezed in life, when you find yourself in a dark hallway or a stairwell of a high rise building in crisis, it is not for you to escape, find an escape routhe, take an exit door, or enter into a floor. you are to stay where you are and see it through. and you do see that meme that says the only way out is through? yeah. I think when you are saved and plucked out of such scenarios, it might be prolonging your process, crisis, altering your destiny, warping the lessons, the outcomes. in short, they are abortions or still life.. as much as my family was trying to help and save me, perhaps i do not know, ws given a grace disservice. but i was not able at the time. deep traumas, significant after phd shock and immobility...something that is typical and underaddressed for black africans in dominant white academic environments. google it and look it up. any black person, with a real phd, done at a white university, especially if highly reputable and topi tier institutions, and in hard core fields of rigor, will tell you . the struggle is real. i in my own college of agriculture and life sciences, saw many who dropped out, a few suicides, one african actually, a kenyan brother, and the other thing that happens is that we alight out, fly high and far, only to crash at some point. that happened to john graham. so much so when i encountered him again it seemed like he had to gather himself to engage me and then it never happened. i also did not realize this as it was happening in my own life until cheryl told me, giving me the alert, that she was proud of me how i managed to navigate and strategize my completion, cause so many dont, so few survive, so few complete the degree. what is funny and showing more peculiarity in my case, there is another category...you may manage to do all of that, and finish, but not without sabotage by your white advisors who will make sure you do not get hired, or when you get picked for a flag bearing post, they blow up the mountain.

all that to say, i just might be one of those shithounds

but as my young cousin who is my one flag waver says and thinks, i am that new breed, too full of talent and capabilities to allow me to be free. but my time is coming, ten /twenty years down the line.

life is amusing bemusing

Totems of This Trinidadian from Tortuga

this piece is amazing. not for what it writes, but for the message of implication and application. upon reading it i asked myself, what totem animal have i been given. and as i write, even more comes to me than the two i originally recalled/ then i think of what those animals mean and convey, both functionally, spiritually and in their existence.

i remembered the corbeaux that showed up on the land in san rafael in 2013. and for me to learn subsequently that it is the corbeaux and vulture that is symbolized in egyptology depictions of the winged span on goddesses. i learned that corbeauxs do not kill to eat, they eat dead things and as such convert death to life. i realized how spiritual that bird, but so maligned and looked down upon in contempt. it is funny today because i wake up feeling very strongly how clearly now see the death of people around me, the amount of dead people I am embedded with , i now no longer find it a mystery my life. what can grow in a labasse? what can grow amidst evil devious beasts? is it that in time i am to convert all these people and the demons they are carrying and have embodied into life for myself? even though it means a level of sufferage for a time?

then i think of the morrocoys, turtles that the loveuntil blind seerman told me to get. and the fact that even before that, i drew and painted about three turtles, all leatherback depictions in different norms. one after i went to see them laying eggs. my most enigmatic painting in a pattern that is odd to say the least. i paint or draw, with little mission in mind and always, in time i see endless forms and faces, and so it is for this one. , there is even a face of a fetus formed around the leatherback ostensibly in the sand...but in some kind of womb. another is just this rendering of green and gold. but what does this totem mean...leatherbacks ..look how long they have lived on the earth. look how far they travel in their lifetimes, even in any given year or season. see how ancient they are. and even if they are slow and take forever, meandering, they are sure and assured to reach their destination.
then i think of ravens. black magical wise knowing ravens. maven

it is a person on fb who gave me that insight in like 2010 or thereabouts. we were up at mt st benedict. that person blessed me by name and by character. at the time she really looked up to me. someone mostly silent that everyone looks up to. the sister of the never be called, said or spelled name correctly. whispers elspeth

then i think of before that, my long time love for horses. enough to want to become a horsewoman and a race horse vet. . i have one painting of a white horse, amidst a purple backdrop. a lot of movement and energy in that piece. another artist called it anger .. but i think it was a lame attempt to casually used regularly used common language to describe something far deeper and complex. but horses are beautiful, full of speed, elegant. and very particular and sensitive. high strung. just like me. i am even actually amazed with how specifically these animals embody me and i them
the other animal that has not yet been given to me but that I notice all the time, and have many photos of, and have a great heart extend love for them..is elephants.
heart emoticon


day after:
i wake up from the thought that i wrote this yesterday and one of the most obvious signs and wonders of things to bring truth are forgotten...where else would i be from but an obscure unknown small but beautiful, historic village preferred for its three hundred degree mountainous view, made up of monied people and the poor, called what else, but Tortuga, a (first people) term for Turtle.

 ==========================

Lisl Meredith Huebner

March 26 at 2:37pm

  ·

Peggy Helgerson says: I think this needs to be said. Because it seems small but it is so important.
It's a female lesser goldfinch. Not a sparrow.
Sparrows are an invasive species from the Columbian Exchange and damage the ecosystem and harm local native birds. It's a eurocentric symbol that is incorrect and whitewashes what really happened.
And what really happened is more important.
It was female. Bernie is for gender equality.
It was a native bird. Bernie is the only candidate meeting with Native American leaders to hear their voice. He is the only candidate speaking our for their rights.
Dxʷshudičup translates to 'the one lighting the fires for change and unity'. The Coast Salish tribe honored him recently with this name.
Lessee goldfinch are the state bird of Washington state.
They have been impacted by global warming. Bernie is the candidate speaking out about global warming.
Being given the lesser goldfinch as a totem means you are exuberant and joyful about life. It means you have a close connection to nature and a deep understanding of her ways.
The difference is YUUUGE.
It's the difference between white Christian narrative, and the beautiful truth.
It was not a sparrow. It was a female lesser goldfinch. Let's call it what it really is.
I think it symbolizes our movement very well.
‪#‎feelthebern‬ ‪#‎birdiesanders‬ ‪#‎NotMeUs‬ ‪#‎FeeltheBird‬ ‪#‎feeltheberd‬ ‪#‎berniesanders‬
Thanks, Justine Dougherty!

http://www.golocalpdx.com/politics/bernie-sanders-campaign-bird-is-identified-by-national-audubon-society
====================

Mamaguy

 

 

 

so something akin to this is what woke me up this morning.

i was thinking how unsophisticated trinis are, even the so called polished, professional and high highfalutin ones. the language they use and choose in their talk tells so much. tells their intention, their truth, no matter what the farce of an act pretends. and they do put on so many pretenses. i was thinking, is there such a thing as a fb inbox drive by, where someone decides to write you, to make a point to show you that you are being sidelined, all the while asking for your particulars, and presenting as if they are finally following through on a previously booked dance/ but ever since that day I thought to myself, this person not slick, your language is unbecoming, and not one any sane person would use should their intention be of the lofty side. i keep saying if you listen carefully and in stillness, everything shall be revealed. even from good talkers.

this further takes me down the path to something i have been hearing from a hater for a few years, "emotional intelligence" and i wonder if the latter is not reading people accurately. seeing all their undertow, their true character, their half hearted attempts, their empty rooms of gifted doors, or the withholding of one hand with the giving of the other. and acting accordingly, you do. not in pretense, not in fakery, not in denial or delusion.

i come back to something in this culture that i was made to experience very viscerally in 2004 or so : the practice of mamaguy. all of this is, in different dimensions and variations. it was a non native who indicated and taught me. she revealed how she had been brought to trinidad, regaled and presented all over as if into a court with a king being introduced to all the lords. and when it seemed like her idea was going to successful, her hosts stole her idea. then here i come about four years later i think with the same or simliar, and she challenging me to tell her where it came from. at a moment, I had to suck in and decide do i dance with this lady or tell her which bus to get under. when i told her my truth, her reply was : "if i had told her anything else, she would not have believed me." but in talking with her to resolve the mindfuck she was given by the political elite of the time, she only remembered the name rahael, i came up with the mamaguy and trini's penchant for it, knowing full well, no matter what fete they lay out for you, they not taking, giving, allowing, sanctioning.

fascinating place this

Underworld Titanics

my plan was to post this pic last night to entertain you lovelies during your early morning journeys...

but now it goes to my morning musings.

wow. where to begin

i had weird dreams last night, dreaming about people who are so far from my daily life. but it seemed as if there were now boats that sailed to europe in twentyfour hours. I took one the day before it seems but had no associations in terms of locations, people, faces or events in the dream.

and a day later, I was choosing to do it again, still saying it is the europe 24 boat, but it was brooklyn i envisioned and wondering if i had enough US to manage the road transports, but choosing not to ask the person who was helping me load to change money.

and that was the dream...it was my friend kirt millington who seemed to be a lorry man or long shoreman who was helping me board, and it seemed i had no luggage. just myself, and what little purse in my hand, and it seemed like things were in danger of falling over the bridge. but he was so patient and long suffering not impatient as he always is, in helping me along, taking me from point to point, accompanying me along the journey of processing to the bridge on the boat.

and when he was delivering me to get on ? or get off? the boat, cause though I thought i was leaving, all the things I described actually happened on the boat, and i was down on the ground when he delivered me, ,and I saw renee cummings walking before me. i remember focusing on her in my mind.

why i would dream these two people is beyond me. but so it was.

then the other part of this weird dream is that I was at someone's house among a melange of people: i am not sure of their nationality, trinidadian or transfers: but there was chinese, indians...and while they milled around I was trying to help the chinese lady fix christmas lights and change bulbs. it seemed i had done something quirky or unusual like use different bulbs for the string, but it worked.

I dont know. christmas at easter march

and boats that sail to europe in twentyfour hours

what is the science behind all of that

then i wake up and have these conversations with people that really destabilize me. confuse me. folk who want to tell you that you need intervention and you are like bish, i asked you for help and intervention six years ago, and you refused. I asked so and so for the same permission to do xyz that would have been an intervention , security and insurance, and it was not forthcoming. now your view is i need intervention??!! the dissonance. the convenient difference, the denial, i dont get it.

the insistence of i need someone to talk to.. she dont know that i try all my might and skill to talk to you all for how many years now? and none of you all get me. I speaking german and you all speaking korean, what i want to talk more again, to who? more people who cant process the beginning of what I envision? "you are more talented than everybody else?" and i was so surprised to hear that comment that i did not hear it, had to ask for it to be repeated....and had to say in response "dont you think that is the reason I am not moving?" who is helping me move along when they see the potential and gifts that reside inside.. including the person i am talking to.

 

she says i fight her when she comes up with ideas and tries to remind me of time passing. hell yeah, i am fighting the bullshit, the denial, the choice and selection of focus, and the fact that you refused to help me so dont tell me about help now.

 

and the fact most blaring, they want to choose what help to give you, not what you ask for, if that aint the biggest farce of it all, i dont know what is.

i dont know. I feel like alice in wonderland.

just that i was on the boat, and had no sojourners

and traveling to europe is the tunnel cause you end up in brooklyn

My MINISTRY: Still Striving to Create the Cosmos. All Art by Mirlande Jean-Gilles

"Hi Maven, how are you?! I just read your post about planting vegetables, and I wanted to know something - what is the vision you have for your life? I ask because I just finished a weekend workshop that had me thinking about things."
 
 Hi Yvette Darling..

Did you also see the article i posted on life drifting. My life and life vision ran aground a long time ago, like in 1996/8, it is just that I did not realize it.

My vision now relates to making money under and for social justice reasons.

I envision a multi prong agenda:

1. an artist collective for innovators, thinkers, and creators. I will add you to the group. It is relatively inactive, but I am always building up the model. It is a means for those of us to fund our own projects, creations, bring to market our ideas

Conscious Creative Collective 99 it is called.

Then, I want to own and operate a complex that comprises a restaurant, cafe, bar, meeting and business center. a place to eat, drink, relax, and retreat while being around amazing brains.

It is really my attempt to create the enjoyable environment where juices and networkings can flow. Also a place from which big things can emerge/

What are the big things. Here is the meat of the matter.

Business. Enterprise. Innovation. ICT>

Films and Music.

1. I want to create a global crowd funding platform, separate from the US models. Folk outside the US cannot access those platforms like gofund me, etc...none of them. you need to be american with a bank, credit card, license and address. So that is the big thing

Why is this valuable? a way for citizens to fund their own development and business as long as there are people who vibe with your ideas. /

So imagine a crowd funding site for every country outside the US? and how much money that will make???

2. I want to get into ICT and apps creation in a big way

I have several apps i want made that would be phenomenal

a. No Vote/Spoil a Ballot App that allows Real time Counting and assessment, Imagine it applied mostly in places where the system have gone awry, always was, or has a lot of corruption like here in Trinidad.

Citizens can wrench the politics with this app. If they count the citizens who took that option and see if they form a powerful enough bloc by numbers, they may choose to buck the establishment, if they organize. It is collectivizing random and pocket activism to become more powerful.

b. I want to create a gambling app for a program that is common in the developing countries and china. called play whe, or whe whe, or just plain numbers. I want to put that on a mobile phone. there are people who make their lives by this game, playing up to four times a day. THe numbers would increase if the option resided in their hands and mobiles rather than trekking to outlets.

this too is global, every country can implement.

c. I wanted to find a way for citizens and workers to own 49% of our telephone mobile company. and replicate that model around the globe, mainly africa always..

correlate the ICT company with licenses to broadcast and so you own the mediums of message conveyance.

related to that create a stock exchange, so all the businesses i create, that can all be licensed to different companies can list on that page for investment, growth and expansion. more money.

the aim was to create a Black Business Economic Freedom Justice Base.

d. One of the ultimate goals was to set up in the US a National Social Justice Operation whereby every single time that there was environmental injustice or police brutality, a team would be dispatched to the victim and family, outlining the options and offer of support and representation. So victims would not be traumatized into paralysis. They would not have to look for help. help is dispatched.. An office in every state, listing partners such as lawyers, counselors, medical practitioners.

That is the vision and dream at this time, but I could not be at the most wrong place but the universe knows best.

Most folk dont think as big as I seem to and i have never had the support or resources to make these things happen. Even when I meet folk who may have the talent to create apps, they are busy.

your mail comes at an interesting time as I was just talking to my mom about getting a life coach, but even a coach to do the major things I envision is really a challenge.

Now, personally, my life vision now, I think to become a one woman stage performer, sharing my poetry, life experiences, challenges, my wilderness...I think to turn my poetry into music. Just this weekend I spoke of that with my cousin, He is Roderick Gordon, Chucky , a local artist here, whose music is changing. I want to be a social justice singer in the form of lauryn hill, nina simone, on guitar and piano and i can play neither. Since Michigan though I bought a guitar to try and learn. never did. Just had it there as prop. There is a part of my family here that are big national musicians: Penguin, Chucky. Roland Gordon, two of which are now dead.

And overall I still dream of being this international author, i have so much material. 50 volumes of journals, endless poetry, must have 500 pieces by now. My professional essays there are about five. my dissertation on social mobilization and change theory./ and a film script I wrote that i wanted to be a novel but no fiction came out. and it is episodic, so i realized it is more a film treatment than a written genre. I want to make that product. I sent it into the Kevin Spacey Foundation just about a month ago.

Then I want to have children. lol

Even as I am now 51.

That is about it sister.

I look forward to hearing about your weekend workshop, why you asked, what you are thinking. how it all integrates.

all in all girl, i am still striving to make it

PS Yvette, in 2013, I was doing organic farming , it just did not work out, one i got swindled on the land, and two, again, i had no support. farming is heavy lifting. But I am always about raising and growing my own food.

I had a plan about that as well. Should i have flourished and grown in this area, I wanted to turn a dismissed part of Trinidad into a food basket: Moruga. Vast lands untouched, to raise clean organic animals for spiritual offerings (a big thing for Trinidadians and Orisas) and the food.

New Citizen Empowerment World Order; Seeds in Trinidad

"Accept something: Notwithstanding all the bleating coming

from every helpless, hapless sector, the government is not

going to help you, far less save our Nation. Not this

government, not the last, not ones with which we have ever

been cursed, and assuredly, there is none on the horizon

–anywhere."

Peter, iN the scheme of things these utterances are about as lame as the citizens whining nad gnashing teeth in rum shops

"In order not to dwell in negativity, I commend our Minister of

Education for his outspokenness on schools violence, and our

Prime Minister for his stated commitment to our built heritage

and the purchase of the Cazabon art collection."

---------------this is an interesting article as I wake up to an inbox asking me if i want to be part of a group ostensibly to force some changes by this present government. i tried to be diplomatic, but i saw two things. One, the group i wish to be a part of is one with radical revolutionary burn what needs to be burned down people. Lawyers, Auditors, Project and National Planners, Strategists, Economists, Management Professionals, and Organizational Experts.

Yeah. I know, half of those people dont even exist in trinidad.

But the other thing I saw and realized, brought to me by Peter's article, which I commented on all day Friday...is that we keep doing the same things over and over, ad nauseum, never telling ourselves that the approach is not working, and never checking ourselves to ask ourselves why. When you try to get people to see this, they tell you you have ego, or you are being critical or not positive. The irony is that they are projecting. they are the ones on ego, if they werent they would realize they are totally inadequate to the tasks at hand.

It gets me/it got me to a clarity. The group I wish to be a part of, and the one that will make me get up is one who is willing to enter a long term hard core program of several tranches. That integrates, law and legal pursuits, at the height of magnitude and volume, economic construction, building a new financial structure, securing successes, win and building an endowment to the likes of a billion dollars. And implementing a national diverse economic and financial venture initiative. That then is replicated, throughout the world, thus giving us licenses, and franchise of what is a new citizen world empowerment model. the first ever that integrates inextricably politics and economics.

And what i see is, I am being told enough, as infrequent as it happens, by idiots, that I am on shit, and all these pieces just serve to further refine and perfect the plan.

 

-------- SO WHAT WILL YOU DO NOW?

By Peter O’Connor, for publication Sunday 20th March 2016.

What do you think it would take to make you sit up and 

become active in this country of ours? Start to pull your

colleagues, your professions, your associations – your Country,

together to turn away from the disaster we are hurtling

towards?

Accept something: Notwithstanding all the bleating coming

from every helpless, hapless sector, the government is not

going to help you, far less save our Nation. Not this

government, not the last, not ones with which we have ever

been cursed, and assuredly, there is none on the horizon

–anywhere.

If I were in any professional organization, from law, to

medicine, engineering, business; or in trade unions, religions,

NGOs and the like, I would expect to be summoned into

consultation on the State of our Nation. Maybe I should say

Sate of our Society, because that is where we are failing, at

“societal” level, and it is killing our Nation.

What will it take to make you summon your colleagues to a

meeting, a series of meetings, gatherings where the condition

of our country is the Agenda. Beyond your whining and

complaining at cocktail parties, liming on Friday, at your various

gatherings and shout-ins, in your churches, wherever you

gather, what do you think you should do to help turn our

country away from the bottomless pit into which we are

staring?

You, especially the business community, are going to wait until

the government does its “half-term review” in April? Oh, we

will see what they might tell us, and see if anyone in

government came up with an idea to reduce crime, especially in

schools, pay the government’s legitimate debts, provide water,

health care and the like, increase productivity in our work

force, and clean up our filthy country.

You all wait for that, after all, it is “not my job to run the

country”, right? You will get nothing but platitudes, promises

and excuses, and you damned well know this. But it gives you at

least another month to do nothing but complain, because that

is all we can do, all we are able to do. We are the epitome of

Bob Marley’s Mental Slavery. The world has changed, and we

are still living deep in our colonial past. The rich have only

changed their faces, not their attitudes, but the poor remain

the same, in their servile attitude towards their new masters,

the people now in charge.

Back in the mid  1980s, when we were going through our first

oil price disaster, the business community actually came

together in an organization called ABICOTT (The Association of

Business, Industry, and Commercial Organizations of T&T), not

only to defend business interests, but to work for solutions to

our very serious problems. The Trade Union Movement (I think

it was one Organization then, not too sure?) also began to work

towards solutions and even the then government realized that

the situation required a Tripartite approach, and began to meet

with other Estates, in open and sometimes meaningful

discussions.

On the Civic Issues agenda, we were able to stop the wasteful

building of the Caroni Race Track, and the Joint Consultative

Council stopped the equally wasteful “Government to

Government” building contracts—the Mount Hope Hospital

was the last of these financial disasters. Lengthy Tripartite

Discussions were held –Government, Labour and Business—to

discuss and draft what became the Redundancy and Severance

Benefits Act.

And in the meantime, businesses were being closed down,

Alstons-McEnearney, Kirpalani, little O’Connor Construction

Ltd. and many more. My workers benefited from the Severance

Pay Act, even if my creditors and my company did not. But we,

as persons, and country survived, even if the companies are no

more.

So I suggest that we find our strength, retrieve our composure,

and begin to find innovative ways to pull back from disaster. 

Black Stalin sang in those dark days of the 1980s: “We can make

it if we try”, so instead of whining, let us try. Let us make

money out of garbage, let us sell the beauty and potential of

our natural beauty and environment, nothing to build here, we

just need to awaken to its tourism potential. If you claim you

cannot get US$ to stock your grocery shelves, then stop

importing the high-end “boutique food” and improve the

nation’s health while saving foreign exchange.

Our imperative is to identify and develop opportunities and

work together to begin healing our wounded society. If enough

of us do this, the people and the governments will follow, so

please stop whining and begin shining!

In order not to dwell in negativity, I commend our Minister of

Education for his outspokenness on schools violence, and our

Prime Minister for his stated commitment to our built heritage

and the purchase of the Cazabon art collection.

What are you going to do?

Mad Men of Trinidad

 Photo:Pic Art: Frank Buchser (1829 - 1890 ) ilnegro.jpg

the sad dysfunctional behavior that we see with other people and may think it is cute and funny, or see in grown big muscled men and make a joke and say "he a little boy eh" is not. it is fact a sign and proof of some serious dysfunctional asocial behavior. some inability to come somewhere, some how.

psychology is an amazing thing to learn, I wonder about psychologists and psychologists and how they function in the world/ if they are walking around and effortlessly 'reading' and diagnosing everybody.

i thought of that though cause my first eye opening thought went back to this guy i once dated in my neighborhood, and we got into a conflict, may have even been the time we broke up and he stopped speaking to my mother. how i know, my mother came home and asked me if something wrong, she say him and did not say hi. now. this was long before I understood that there was a specie to beware of, long before i knew the term mitchmen, and long before I learned these males are fucked up, but hear the thing, in the literal short two months or so that merely consisted of beaches, meals, one party, one house visit each, i learned this very in demand young man, meaning he had ample female friends choosing who to spend time with, he had his own car it was from him i learned for a guy having a car was a major societal thing, a way to get girls and to show out. who knew. i thought they were for getting around and bringing functionality into one's life. but here is the thing i am trying to get at. from watching the news once i landed here, and seeing how apparently unstable men were, i felt as though dating them werent safe at all. I swear. and this guy,like the first guy i mingled with, tells me he battered a woman, his ex in the states, I think in Philly and that is why he is down here. the story came at me in pieces and broken and in code, but i think the man was a deportee, from domestic violence yes. moving around trini good good good.

just in this short passage, read and discern the three huge issues a woman is confronted by just being social here. and tell me if that is not the definition of scary. and everything else good good. the guy was generous with what he had. i have green emerald gold earrings, one side in my locks, is from him. he used to cook and we would eat. and for all intents and purposes. we got along swimmingly.. i cant tell you the rest of the story cause it seems to weird. but i will tell you it was one of the times that make me think i get inhabited sometimes, possessed...there are times i say and do things that afteward I cannot fathom, see or rationalize any way melise would have really done that. and so i know it wasnt me. I think in this case, I would have been a classic statistic: find myself in what i calling a good wonderful relationship, only for one day to be slammed into a different dimension and reality by assuredly, some violence or trip. i felt i was being saved. and perhaps there was way more than I know. that was about five years ago I think. i cant seem to nail down a date. but it has happened again.

two years ago, met another dude that i was crazy for. in my head, somehow, i see he looks a lot like the rapper game, not as tall though. and i dont know what this guy had but he put a spell on me when i first met him. then i realized i was mad crazy for him. experiencing myself in a form and ways i had never been ever in my whole life. it was dangerous, but he too was mad, so those experiences were mostly outside his presence. but this guy was psycho. a literal bipolar schizophrenic. i remember the day I asked him if he thought he was, and he answered me in what was in hindsight an amusing way to recount. he was like, "who dont think so?" everybody says the same thing to me". intimating to me too, all his women, his mother. I never got a chance to discuss with him how his male friends deal and engage with it but that was because of one of his major traits. this guy did not talk, seemingly had a major challenge with communication. he told me. so that is three major issues right there: mental illness, instability, and noncommunication. add to that , this man had a temper from jupiter, that came with all the bells and whistles, shutting down, closing off, coldness. smh. I am tired just thinking about it.

my point in recalling all of this is to tell you the level of deep madness flowing with males here. and I saw it long before i ever came close to one. Not sure how i did, but i saw it, It had me scared and refusing to even engage them. And as and when I did, it is all i have met. my ex himself is a narcissist. an extreme one, a compulsive liar, and a user/manipulator/schemer.. i believe he compensates for being less than mentally smart by being this garrulous life of the party.. It is kind of amusing to think of these men now and to envision them in a line up cause i am asking what do these men say about me. I am not sure. I do know that is a red herring question, cause when you in a barrel, when you stranded on an island, when you in a box with no ladder to get out...how does that explain what you have no control over: the population in the space you currently inhabit?

mayday mayday there is a glitch in the male population. engage at your own risk.

those are the extreme cases as the ones I got involved with.

but i see the same shit with a host of other characters. males who boldfaced lie to you, whether it be deals, business, personal, an attempt to make arrangements. my car is a perfect 'vehicle' for displaying these realities// i cant tell you the range of men, of all kinds, chinese, indian, african, and dougla who have shown up here. displaying different traits for me to call in this write up.

the same dishonesty, mad unexplainable behavior, like francis taking the remotes to fix, to return the next day at 12noon to investigate the car on a sale, and that was two weeks ago, maybe three. and he never showed up, and has not returned with my remotes. where in the world does this occur?

what creatures am I writing about? how to explain this to myself? or anybody for that matter.

the other aspect or just rank dishonesty and lies, and fragility, men making promises that for the slightest moment you do something they dont want, they cut off. grown ass old business man has the only independent solely own gas company in trinidad, offered to fix the car and we sell it, at the meeting we had to discuss, we return to my neighborhood, we go searching for our mutual friend, I decided to ride home with the latter, so the former can just take the highway in the opposite direction. havent heard from the rat since.

i think it fair to state that we can now enter in the dictionary the creature and entity called male bitches, with further reduced character understanding to come.

why this morning i wake up thinking about them i have no idea. might have something to do with seeing a muscled police officer, no doubt running and have his full of optioned women, yank a woman six to nine feet? into a wall at her head, by her hair, then doing the same thing to another woman fighting on the ground. there was a time, in my delusion, where men would never do such a thing: be so brutal to females./

Have no idea how this seize me this morning:
Curtis, Mark and Chase, LLC
Mad Men of Trinidad is not a tv show

I dont want to be mad too dealing with these species

Blessed Power and Womb

2.22

i so often hear that after marriage there is no sex .

and that it is usually the woman who reneges

it leads me now to wonder if that is not the nature of things:

that a woman mates for paternity. has children, creates the household to raise and cultivate them and the man moves on to the next chick to repeat?

it makes me wonder of the lie? and imposition of monogamy then?

makes me wonder if this polygamous mating is not the real order of things

and that the women with children are to form clans and communities, circles and collectives with each other,. that is in fact the true family, mated birthed mothers and their babies. do you know within the year i saw a documentary of some archeological finds where that was the family structure of burial grounds; mothers and their children..

then i wonder about this structure as it relates to matrilineal societies/

i think of ape and larger mammal family structures. do they not all amass like that and the males are free to roam but even as they do, they are never far away to protect the periphery of such matriarchal communities?

then ultimately, this structure if deemed logical and functional, turns the whole bastardization of children on its head, as well as the slut shaming and woman flaming that is done when women do the same: have multiple partners, numerous children of different fathers/

if a woman does this intentionally, centered, in her belly , with a mission, imagine how empowering. but mind you this is not done when you need to demand and require the sperm donor to mind, contribute or fund said child. it dont work so. nor are you just having children just to reproduce cause well, you have womb, but purposefully. and dont ask me what that purpose is cause i can only tell you mine: build empires, build amazing spirit entities, and build men to refarm the world of true male titans. very interesting muse i must say

what if we could let each other be to their character and inkling...just like we let tigers be tigers. we can also let wild women who run with the wolves, be. well. gods, wolves and foxes. or lions

Price and Costs of Life

i am thinking of next life steps...and i also went back to sleep at about 7am...and just now at the end , i was pretty lucid. and remembered the person who would organize asked me days ago: "I remembered all your possessions, artifacts, arts, library, and expected would need to move those" . I had to tell them none of that exists anymore. and if i move this time I am moving with just myself. and my jewelry. Not even suitcases. i am leaving everything... but i had forgot I have a suitcase of clothes in Houston. which reminded me, of the last time I tried to relocate.. it ended up just being an extended vacation. Houston in 2010. then that made me remember I tried to relocate to Manhattan in 2007 after I traveled to Nigeria to present a paper.

And in writing my friend the oh i forgot there is a suitcase in Houston that needs to be shipped...I realized, my life has been far more exciting that I even remember. For there are episodes I forget in just the living and moving on. Since being in Trinidad I tried to leave twice already. now presented with a third maybe. maybe not.

But beyond that, I had the acceptance and clarity and refinement to see and tell myself, I need not pine, regret, be angered or resentful of my life, any part of it, for in recent months i have written and referred to sandra batie that white supremacist racist bitch who derailed my flight in my career real early and i never knew for about five years, I just thought it was something I did not get, I was not successful. but it was a letter she wrote to destabilize me.. but this morning I told myself. I have lived on my terms. From Day One out side my parents house. I never shared a room in a dorm. Sophomore year I was in an apartment with a car. I always lived on my terms, terms unbowed, unsubjugated, kind of quite unusual actually, very privileged. So i was probably pissing people off all along the way, clueless and not knowing it But the bottom line is that, There are consequences . for everything. even for how we are. And that was merely the price I paid for being a black nigger girl of money and privilege, a daddy, and ambition. and not in the common usual places one would find such either, but in corridors where I was cutting track among bush and untouched forest.. So you cant deny those realities. In some ways I was a civil rights pioneer. lol. in fields and areas , blackwomen are rare. And i did not come out from the tenements or tracks, so i was sipping wine just like the best of them, at fancy restaurants as I was accustomed from my childhood.

There is a price and a cost for everything.

Selah. Be adult about it. and I will keep on living.

Things are about to be new again.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_hdVFiANBTk