My Birthday 52 Valentine Michelle's 47th February 15, 2017

"Hi Melise,

Thanks for getting in touch, and my apologies for not reacting to the message request. I read your CV, and your background and experience sound very complex and interesting.

This the problem with interdisciplinary writers and researchers like yourself: while the academia seems to celebrate interdisciplinarity, when it comes to hiring people it is often the candidates with streamlined publication records and teaching experience in a specific field who get shortlisted.

Given your interest and experience in creative writing... "

-----------------------------------so apart from the above email that was such water refreshing my soul, my hands, my craft, my investments and my potential in new areas and fields...

i was just given a birthday party. out of the blue. presents and everything. i was so surprised. complete with speeches, toasts and stories of connection, history and from source. today is also my sister's birthday. mine is the 6th. and somehow, for some reason, she decided to celebrate me on her day. Part of her speech was that she told Mommy that she finds I am happier these days. How weird.

Cause I also feel the last few days I was in an intense despair and struggle.

So after cake, ice creams, and bubbly, and a retestament of our connections moving forward.. and my gosh the last thing I got was a car, written by Maya, from everybody, even her daddy wayne.

---------------------------------------------------------but here is the kicker...

today was a therapy session, and I came home after a two hours or just under of venting , regaling of the last five or so days, all my anger, struggles, highs, lows, disappointments...I came home and I felt all the weight was lifted, I felt cleansed, I felt renewed. and I was quite surprised. i came home and ended up writing the therapist to tell her today was phenomenal. how phenomenal? does your therapist share her full organic meal with you? one of home cooked vegetables and coconot light curry chicken? broccoli and green beans were just this side of steamed and still bright green. before that I had green tea, not knowing lunch was coming

--------then in the midst of our conversation , she shared a mutual friend of ours was demitting her role, office and job. and how the few years in that job has eroded and paid a high toll on her health.

she went on to say to me, "Think about it: "If you are able to be successful in a sick environment and society, what does that really say and mean? what did you have to do to conform to make it?"

and I just asked her to stop. cause she ws speaking to the pit of my soul.

what is the value of all of this??? as much as I have paid a price in torment not being employed, how much I strived and bitched, moaned and complained, got bitter and enraged, I was being protected. set aside. apart and covered. I did not belong in these places. with none of these people.

and then to come home to find that my people who i have been fighting, who have been fighting me, for these recent years, organized a party for me. and so many played a part: my mom taking the grand children to buy gifts for me and michelle. Michelle buying a cake for us that we both cut, and both fed each other, she toasting and celebrating and blessing me. and when I was called to the dining table, it was Mona who said, the birthday girls on either side of the table.  the two of us. the two grand daughters. five years apart. Mona even gave a toast and said the two of us grew up here, are formed of here. and was raised by them, as if she is like a mother to us. It was really....  spectacular.
Everything and Anything can turn around , and out of nowhere, with no signs of it coming. Mona and I were having words this morning.  What a gift

what the heck is happening here?

mark this day down

one for the books, and perpetuity

a turn in the book a new book

Fire for the Heart of Voyeurs

 FOR the Voyeurs: Clan, Kin, Enemies 

Art: "Fire Heart" by Mirlande Jean-GIl

i had forgotten my waking thought

this reminds me. on the thread to this piece is the mention of a manuscript. and yesterday i was derided. someone says to me, "people asking she dont have nothing to do? writing twelve pages ..." and i thought, here i go again, the illiterates and ignorant, framing my world, work, skill... and this morning i thought, for good spite, I should do a book. but to me this would be a good cover for ant bites. and integrate some of my blog to close off antbites.

the issue is a publisher.

then marketing and advertising, globally

but in my dreams, I would make that into an artsy film and for the release, the book and my circulation as publicity for the former and both.

Happy Valentine's 2017

My most recent Lover referred to me as "Casper" as he greeted me for Valentine's Day.
I like the name. the idea: of me being invisible, a ghost, and friendly.
I would so love that shapeshifting magickal power.

Here though was my greatest, biggest and best Valentine , ever

Aquarius Horoscope for week of February 16, 2017

 

Here's your mantra for the next three weeks: "I know what I want, and I know how to glide it into my life." Say this out loud 11 times right after you wake up each morning, and 11 more times before lunch, and 11 more times at bedtime. "I know what I want, and I know how to glide it into my life." Whenever you do this little chant, summon an upflow of smiling confidence -- a serene certainty that no matter how long the magic might take, it will ultimately work. "I know what I want, and I know how to glide it into my life." Don't let any little voice in your head undermine your link to this simple truth. Lift your heart to the highest source of vitality you can imagine.


by the time i read to the end of this horoscope, I was smiling, even if wry, but from totally, inside internally.
this is the best.,j

Mass Confusion

you are really stewed and pickled when the solution taken to help you unravel your problem web, you in a moment recognize is still inadequate

being female. female single. good looking female single

unengaged good looking female single

being without a career, work, a job, livelihood, contract or engagement

\being fifty two yet looking forty or younger. in a very ageist society

where on paper folk are counting and calculating your years when they see your reams and pages of accomplishment

being female. no career, or work, age fifty two and overqualified

in highly technical, advanced and rare fields

makes for a shit storm of blockages I dont think a single other person could begin to appreciate

and still have people believe my condition is by choice, preference, and I have having such a great time on their dime.

adding to my trauma, when i am barely holding it together.

where is this reaching?

Lost and Entangled Infidels

Sheila Miles' Watercolor


"is god punishing me for being kind?"
i wish i could take that to a philosophy class. a graduate philosophy seminar, actually. that we ponder, meditate, and write different perspectives, each student, for the whole semester, if not year.
that is a doozy

even as I meditate on it now, the first thing that comes to me is job of the bible.
it was not his patience that all the preachers present as the issue.
it is and was that he is a strong character. strong minded.
broad-shouldered/ long viewed. his soul was well formed.
his heart was contiguous.
there were neither cracks nor fragments in his program, frame or framework
i would give the first student an A who recognizes by that statement, the speaker was not being kind, never was kind, they were motivated by self-centered self-directed reasons. not out of any fullness.
now lets go further and deeper.
and then they will ask questions and I will tell them that this is a catholic church goer, every weekend.
i pause and think of the power of the mind, and of nelson mandela and how he and other long serving prisoners guide and cultivate their minds so as never to be broken and twisted... so another aspect of this course and seminar would be to bring up examples through history of how challenges, imprisonments, and other traumatizing turn of events and unexpected life fall outs are handled.
why am i the star wisdom queen only in my eyes?
bringing forth all this value for no one benefitting
not even me.
sigh

Buddha Bitter: The Age oF Anger

 

 

 

 {this pic and this story line puts me in mind of the valley of dry bones, as coined by the haitian writer , Edwidge Danticat;  but this is a print of artist,  Oswaldo Guayasamin}

 

a life of unknown sabotage, a judas for every decade. or more.

mid 90s

* sandra batie at msu, my ag econo career

* sonny mcleod, my mother's cousin, betrayed her: my legacy and inheritance

2000s

* margaret gordon, my mother's cousin: employment at uwi

* cameron chase, betrayal on an agreement after me saving his mother's land legacy that he did nothing to keep or get for fifteen+yrs

last night, i was wondering what does it mean for someone to be destroyed and sabotaged unawares. ? completely unawares

and to find out years after the fact.

all except one fit that case

and there is another, turunesh raymond, but her hand is largely impotent. except that she hurts other people in trying to affect my life, but she has no standing here.

i been pondering this when i read about being either a victim or a victor in life. VictoRevenge

=========

i read on a thread in a discussion on pnm politics:

never to be weak or soft hearted

i take strong instruction from that. especially since a recent lover of mine told me the very said thing standing under a street light one night

---------------------------

considering complex mathematical equations of how to get from where i am to where i have to deliver. and be like ups and never make left hand turns, but then i run into the issue of dead ends and unknown saboteurs.

life routing problems

reduce cross-traffic turns, as well as waiting for an opportunity, clearing to pass through

-------

getting back to my saboteurs and my story of the huge impacts sabotage has dealt in my life, for the past two decades, during the primes of my life, I suspect, and know that in every one of those stories, there is a person, holding an idea that I should not attain what i was offered or stood on the threshold to obtain, and they took it upon themselves to torpedo it when i was never ever looking for them there. in fact, not only was i not even looking for them there, I did not know they held it in their heart so, nor that they were even present to play a role. it makes me realize and to share to you, how unbelievable critical that tenet of be careful who your friends are. people may see you with someone and think they are your people, when in fact, they are your most fervent enemy. it is a double edged sword.

the bottom line is that hose judases, felt and believed that level blessing is for someone else, you, as a person they envy and look like and could never get, should not have, / for them it is some kind of torrid turn on the homogenous white men that mishra talks about in this video..

i read his ideas and realize a clarity...i do think i ran into that invisible see through wall that i was in full speed to attain... that liberty, prosperity, power and attendance

"when the enemy is more intimate" -- you know you have arrived and attained to a level most did not. you have climbed over the institutional racism and systemic blocks. now it is your own encampment who will trip you up. and none of those people on that list are any degrees away and outside of me. at most one or two degree removed. sonny. everyone else was at my shoulder.

my project of self empowerment was torpedoed by hands other than mine and I struggle as to how to overturn its impacts, when i know now there are no allies. that is the other thing I know and learned, , the time of age of anger, requires cover, shields and vanguards

See video: 0:38 - 2:58... and then watch the interview

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X6luOSpONqE

At Fifty Two

fifty two is such a nice neat number/
i guess like all even numbers, but not really. at half that , twentysix , it was the numbers of my birthdate. and in reality a poignant moment in my time. i had by that time passed two pregnancies. and the last, the one from the year before, the one conceived on the continent. and even after all this time and life that is the first time I am recognizing that fact to state it as an item. i marvel at how stupid I have been in turns and terms.

but it dawns on me and makes me write, how much unlike other women I am. had i been, i would have had that last child and both of them actually. the men, were trifling boys when it came to the news, but they werent chopped liver. lazarre was one good looking haitian guy. very broad shoulders that i love, and a red man that all these trini women trip over and for. his eyelashes were a mile long. had huge almond eyes. cheekbones seemingly more definitive than mine. a beak bird nose and a wide forehead. there is no way that child would not have been gorgeous the mix of the two of us.
most women would have used that as their only measure.
looking back in hindsight, i now would suffer any risk just to honor a life. but back then, I thought i honored life beyond myth and I could not fathom bringing children when their fathers did not want them. i also did not trust myself to be a sterling parent. to protect and guide and never harm. mistakes in children's lives are unacceptable to me. always have been
but that potier would have had an older brother. and yes, they would have both been maleboysonsuns. he was just three or four years older. looking back now i am seeing how things on a level were all so perfectly packaged. a three to four year distance between children is advisable.
it came to me in dreams. the first was junior, my brother, but spelled junia. i was puzzled until I came to trinidad and learned that is a real name. the second, potier, was junior's godbrother, his italian god brother from brooklyn, vincent. his father was mark edwards the third. the philadelphia mayor goode's assistant.
if i was like other women, thinking like them, I would have noted, good looking fathers, good looking children, and high prospects for maintenance payments. but that werent my scene. I regret not bringing them though. even as I wonder how am I sure things would have worked out and that i did not bear statistics
years ago, i told rhondell feels and single fathers group to start a service bank to provide just the kind of support he is screaming about today.
life at double twenty six
as i watch clarence rambharat at a presentation fete liming with the unc tertiary education minister. keep letting them fool you. swear to god that voice makes me think of a dodo head

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PkwdxSHdB9c 

Close Circle (R) (C) (2017) Security NGO

Art Source/Author/Courtesy: Mirlande Jean Gilles


https://www.facebook.com/?sk=h_chr


Buy these. Ship them to me. I set up a system, by neighborhoods. create or load the app for trinidad. sell the app. sell the ripple. set up an endowment for people who want to create a fund to support safety and protection for children and women., make your money back and then some extra for the initial set up. create a bank of the extra revenue -- an endowment. monitor the operations, iron out the kinks. see how the system can grow, expand, new avenues for money.

what you think?
It would make. now. You not in trinidad. but we have a crisis like none before. Children being bullied in school. And women being culled. Just imagine families, in both cases, buying the system. as the first tier of sales. Then it would grow from there.

Could make crazy money in the next six months if not shorter time span

Maven, Business Creator/