Monday May 27 2013 Revelations

 Badlands Guardian of North Dakota and Canada Border

the funniest thing is to hear people who have never met your measure, swam your waters, or countenance your depth call you a failure. the humor in that is beyond laughter or audibility

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  Marcia Smith Cpc No one should be called a failure. There are no failures. Its just a matter of perception.

  
  
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  Maven Huggins i know that. a few may know that. but many most of the world dont know that. and i am surrounded by the latter.i not even phased. a long time ago i made them out and when you know your animals, you are clear...there is no such thing as failure. all is lesson and stepping stones. trials to triumph...like i said earlier, i am grateful for the wisdoms that i have earned and take me over. (you in church did you know that Marcia? lol_

  
  
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  Marcia Smith Cpc Yes Maven. I know.

  
  
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  Maven Huggins she says *deadpan* hahaha

  
  
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  Marcia Smith Cpc She, like my grandmother was, is wounded. She speaks of herself.

  
  
• Maven Huggins wow. wow. wow. this really is church; you know i never caught that? wow. so high do i think of people even when they are below/beneath me. I never got it. you dont know what you just said. that is why this house is the be all end all of all things for her. it is the only thing she ever did of pride
  
  slap myself
  
  wow. Very Wounded. All of them
  it speaks to my own brokenness too...i have listened and swam in hateful waters too long, I absorb what comes at me, instead of interrogating what is said to see and hear, we only say and do who we are!!!!
  
  wow Marcia. What a breakthrough

  
  
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  Maven Huggins good thing i been burning a white candle all day

  
  
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  Maven Huggins that kind of revelation needs to be transmogrified* purified..
  and those who transitioned need to find their way

  
  
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  Marcia Smith Cpc I live with wounded people for my growing years. It is near impossible for anything other than negative to come out unless they embrace their wounds and forgive. You are welcome.

  
  

• Today
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  Maven Huggins
  

  
  

  i have to tell you this...i have a man in my life. one who seems to do things never before seen..a land owner who gave me access to what is his, told me it is my home, and my way is paid with him (because i helped him figure out how to keep it)...and we were doing a lot together, organizing an event, preparing to be farmers, opening companies, and projects to make money . so he was here a lot. you know my mother ran him-- told me he was roaming the house too much. Marcia, this house is a big macco house twice if not three times the size of most peoples homes. he was never roaming, but we would be in the kitchen, weighing processing coffee beans, making seasonings that we would sell, meeting at the dining table with our other partner or the gallery to write proposals. and sitting in the living room to do wifi/computer/internet...
  I was so stunned. It has stayed in my throat...a man of some caliber and worth shows up in my life, at 48 and instead of being happy for me, he is spurned. shock i tell you. meanwhile her son in law is worthless...but i had to tell you that in the context of the conversation...and chase is not ordinary either eh...and i think he and i have an energy together that is overwhelming and formidable...but say what. I had to share
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  Marcia Smith Cpc
  

  
  

  First question: has she made you feel comfortable at that house and made you feel welcome there? Her home is your home?
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  Maven Huggins
  

  
  

  at first but it has totally soured. you know i was begging searching for my own place for years now. but it never happened. i just recently told her i not going no where.
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  her home is my home. but the land is what belonged to my grandparents. she got it as the only unmarried of the siblings.. she built it over. but this is the land i was born to and into. my first birth certificate name is baptiste, just like hers, just like my mothers and my grandparents. only when my parents got married at my age 2 do i have another name, huggins
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  Marcia Smith Cpc
  

  
  

  Hhow do you expect her to accept an extention of yourself? What made you think she woukd?
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  Maven Huggins
  

  
  

  how can i be welcome if i live here and cant have my love interest visit me in comfort here. you understand that?

  girl. you asking me things after the fact. you just gave me a revelation remember....It has been deep and puzzling
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  Marcia Smith Cpc
  

  
  

  Was she happy in her marraige/relationships?
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  Maven Huggins
  

  
  

  she had only one i know of, her daughter's father who they were engaged, and broke off. the daughter was of a single mother household and she grew up destined crosseyed not to be unmarried so what does she do? marry a loser of sorts..you should hear the daughter talk of her father.. she asked my mother,, "how did you let mommy marry daddy wayne?" she asked that at 7. i was shocked/
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  Marcia Smith Cpc
  

  
  

  Yoyr household strongly resembled the one I came from. Hurt all the way round. Very familiar story.

  Hurting people hurt people. Melise its wounded hearts and their own disappointments being spewed on you.

  Children are not stupid.
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  Maven Huggins
  

  
  

  girl. you have no idea. what you say. and when i tell you it is not just the household it is our WHOLE Family... the lot of them!!
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  and i cant explain how it is i ended up being the lightning rod except i am the only one living who lived and schooled abroad. i am the only female not in their form, and even of the three unmarried i am so independent and formed beyond wounding they have ended up resenting me rather than being happy for me. i had an experience with two cousins where i told them you would be happier if i was a broken battered woman than to be independent well and my own person. the male told me he would never want any of his daugters like me that i was too independent
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  Girl you have NO IDEA

Marcia Smith Cpc

I lived to hear my aunt tell me i was the most successful in our family. I decided to show them i was not going to be a failure by deciding to be a success.

You think i have no idea but Melise I do. More than you know. I refuse to be anybodies victim.

Maven Huggins

i gather that now. it was an expression...but you broke the code so clearly you know

Marcia Smith Cpc

What's the plan now?

What did your gentleman have to say?

Maven Huggins

i just ride the flow. i keep my center. i try and struggle and fight to keep the right perspective. it is tough all around. as great and better my gentleman is he is also a challenge to me-- but beyond the grap of what is called or named man or males in this place.
what he said is that has always happened in his life. he just took it in stride. she had relegated him to the gallery but somehow we have not been back here and he said the only way he comes back is if she invites him. but i cool with that. it and them and she is just ugliness in a pretty house so no loss except we are robbed of a place to commune and work and friend and enjoy/ i just count it part of the struggle and story

Marcia Smith Cpc

All too familiar .

who would believe...

 

Sagittarius Energy Full Moon Lunar Eclipse

someone who blanked me
over a year ago
promised to help me take my business, ArtPost Trinidad to a regional level
we had meetings. we planned a strategy. then he disappeared
saying he was busy
I wondered why
i wondered if i overwhelmed him
asked for too much
you know how we conscious and female creatures do: look for self blame and indictment.

now today,
he writes
 boldly
with no apology
i keep telling you all
these males in this place* are peculiar
twisted, un-non-integrated, fragmented and broken

this man employed
on tv
with his own business
family and children
yet, he reaches out to me....


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•  12:43

  Hayden Blades
  

  
  

  Is there someway that we can find the time to brainstorm. I need to recharge my passion and I may need your help. It does not matter where we meet, I am tired of waiting for the world to enable my path. Let me know how you feel.
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  12:53

  Maven Huggins
  

  
  

  i always have time
  you ask me to help you while i have not been able to help myself
  and the world has not enabled my path but crosses if not ignores it at every possible opportunity
• 13:00

  Hayden Blades
  

  
  

  Your presence will be enough for me. You are the sunlight that disinfects the mind. I need a bit of your presence if you don't mind.
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  13:00

  Maven Huggins
  

  
  

  no problem
  
  -----------------------
  
  
  Maven Huggins:
  
   sometimes the universe gives me too much
  sometimes the universe thinks too highly of me
  sometimes there is no place to scream
  cause the madness is at the very outlet: here: fb
  
  someone who blanked me in a big way over a year ago is knocking
  asking me to revitalize them
  when they were supposed to be helping me take my business to the next level
  
  i just stare at the mail
  astonished
  and reflecting on how and to what extent clearly the universe, guides, gods and ancestors think i am valid worthy and big enough to not go off
  i just thought of grace and wondered if i am capable
  
  so instead i come here to write
  who am i that i cant save and provide for myself?
  suffer endless persecution and lack of love
  but yet still, sought by others
  ?
  
  smh
  makes no sense
  but Gita just told me...my path is not to make sense. not for me anyway
  and the tears flow
  
  i have much money, gold, holy water, prayers, offerings and praise
  my tears
  
  and no matter what they say of me, my energy is pure/ remains so
  they may  lie and say otherwise
  But...the nature lifts me up and proves different
  my true character
  
  light
  not the misunderstanding folk buy, announce, trade and barter

They Run Away from Goodness, Power and Light

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  Maven Huggins
  

  
  

  how do some women get even when they are jealous? i really want to know...my brain wired differently. i just leave
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  Lois H. Y. Lewis
  

  
  

  lol

  well i dont get jealous.......i doh ever give them that satisfaction

  men are very much visual in nature. what they SEE has more effect than how they FEEL. so you will need to go VISUAL on them!!

  that works for most men

  and when you ignore their assess they cant deal with it!
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  Maven Huggins
  

  
  

  i dont know. i feel clueless. i know i am.
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  Lois H. Y. Lewis
  

  
  

  hmm......i spent so much of my young life being the one no boy wanted.......i taught myself to be resilient......NO man is going to make me jealous!!! EVVA!!! There is one who tried it........I think he still taking therapy. Lol. But seriously, I HURT badly, Maven. I SENSE before I find out. I VISUALIZE before things actually occur........there is a young man I am very taken up with. I am not his 'type'....but for some reason, he introduced himself, friended me and proceeded to get ALL of my attention........and now I dunno........sigh.....but I know that I SHALL NOT be a victum!! I refuse to be!! This is why I stay single........may be a cop-out but I hadda use whatever means I can to preserve ME. No more ME-ABUSE! Did enough of that in my 20's.
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  Maven Huggins
  

  
  

  i hear you. but i am trying to be full hearted. to live from the heart. i did all that self protection before. and i thought chase was real and safe. but i dont know anymore. and i am not sure i am seeing and thinking right, or if he is fucking up and fucked up. and i am torn between my old self , my current conditions. and the new self to be...it is only my awareness that is saving me
  and if i had the means i would get rid of my phone move and just vanish...leave it alone
  but that would be more running away
  i think now i am just trying to make my past work for me so i can provide something for myself...right now i am not doing that and what i thought was new and good may not be/ or maybe that it just ran its course
  i know. i am repeating myself in circles.
  Sigh
  i feel sad too struggling not to be a victim and be pitiful but feel i am awfully close\
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  Lois H. Y. Lewis
  

  
  

  Maven..........same here.....with the struggling not to be a victim.......story of my life.........I think I love too innocently - who you tell me you are is who I believe you to be. Apparently, this is NOT how it is supposed to work. I can't do it any other way. So I guess I need to just step back. In my 42 years of life, I have been in 2 1/2 relationships as is being WITH someone! 1 1/2 of them was undercover as one didn't want folks to know and the other I didn't want folks to know..........My son's father was my only visible relationship......sigh. I have many who claim interest but.........if you can't or won't give me what I want and how I want it then I doh see the point.......smh.......
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  Lois H. Y. Lewis
  

  
  

  I would love to have SUPPORT

  I ALWAYS struggle alone

  with everything

  So very tired of that

  But i am not the jealous kind. I am a very independent partner. I doh need coddling and attention all the time .........however that DOES NOT mean you could walk all over me and disrespect my presence in your life...........

  smh
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  Maven Huggins
  

  
  

  "innocently" and naive
  you know i gave chase so much because that was my need and motivation, my greatest wish-- to have someone to support me so completely. he appeared to do that at the beginning but now..it is not the same. and i been trying to navigate and be mature about it. but right now i think it must mean something...either he is afraid to say good bye, after he made such a grand to do about getting me...or his other struggles in life...this land.. but it is too many excuses i am giving him...part of me trying to be a woman giving in a relationship, but it becomes a fine line between self immolation. i been trying to make it work but i think it might be an impossibility...and it hurts. but perhaps only because i have attachment and i believed illusions.delusions
  that is it. chase has stopped giving me what he brought in the beginning and my attempt to talk about it, and work it through brings a level and kind of response that shocks me
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  Lois H. Y. Lewis
  

  
  

  wow..........yes.......slow down..........back up........for your sake
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  Maven Huggins
  

  
  

  maybe this was a bump in the road for me to rebuild myself and my mettle. ...so i take it as that. I was just crying and i feel better...making myself feel better. making this be for some use.
  i just pray my heart and resources were not in vain. and that it was soil, seed, water and sentiment for my own wellbeing and wealth making...ii should hate to think i did it for one so ungrateful...emotionally...but this is the same person who told me my way was made and i could live on that land and it was my home too...
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  Maven Huggins
  

  
  

  it was crazy Lois. nothing was slow. Nothing
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  Lois H. Y. Lewis
  

  
  

  i get you..........i jut feel passion as you tell me about this

  i don't know how to function without passion either.........this is how we love........and how we breathe..........passionately...............so what now?
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  Maven Huggins
  

  
  

  you give a good word there
  and that is characteristic of this whole mess
  whenever i feel despair and despondent, someone, something comes up shows up and gives it back to me in a way that is positive...we are passionate. VERY.
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  Maven Huggins
  

  
  

  i dont know. what now.
  i feel i do need to teach him but i have no power.
  I felt my accident last night was the universe and goddess reasons and the moon to get him to tow a line. but today, he again refused to take me to town, though he was going on an errand. that kind of behavior i cant make sense. and i wonder what is it , in general, about me, that makes him react this way and react so inconsistently...
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  Lois H. Y. Lewis
  

  
  

  i admire your passion about nature and the land and the connection between nature and music.........i admire your consistency. You say the same thing in many different ways. i admire the poetic manner in which you share your thoughts. i don't have that gift. i think chase is overwhelmed by you. he does not think he is good enough for you.
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  Maven Huggins
  

  
  

  i feel i have no control in the relationship. and i wonder why he feels he has to teach, instruct, be so harsh, intimidated and fearful of me. he did tell me that once...that i am so strong he has to steel up to deal with me. and that i make him feel stupid which i never tried to do.. but i think it is his own inferiorities. but it is getting in the way...which makes me wonder and think if it could ever work out. and we do have a complex story, besides.
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  Lois H. Y. Lewis
  

  
  

  he is trying to mentally separate himself. he is running away..........sigh.......thought he was braver tho. he looks so.........the man to be your partner has to be braver........
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  Maven Huggins
  

  
  

  lol. you just wrote what i just wrote. at the same time I was writing it.
  and it makes me sad. and i dont think there is anything i can do to fix that. so i think i must just leave him'

  but thanks for writing those wonderful words. you bless me. you help me

  i know

  that is it. he is running away...
  
  
  

  • Lois H. Y. Lewis
    

    
    

    sigh.......don't 'chase' him tho.......let him go.....let him run.......so eventually, he has only himself to blame.

    just ease up slowly but surely
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    Maven Huggins
    

    
    

    that is what i hope/plan to do...just that. no matter how i hurt and cry and write...like now. with you. today.
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    Maven Huggins
    

    
    

    Lois are you okay with me putting this conversation in my blog?
    it does not have great traffic. but my blog is literally my journal. i have not written in a month. but this exchange is rich. not just of my story but of yours too...and us black women struggling in relationships
    i have learned so much about that dynamic: black men and women. it has been amazing
  • 
    

    Lois H. Y. Lewis
    

    
    

    I find that I can cry no more..........

  
  

  
  

  

  Lois H. Y. Lewis
  

  
  

  I find that I can cry no more..........

  i guess........cause if it can help someone then.......i guess......

  the last time i cried over a man was 1995

  i cry now when i am overwhelmed and words don't come out or when I can't get to say what I want and how I want

  Maven Huggins
  

  chase at the beginning did tell me "to write our story". i have been.
  

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  • Lois H. Y. Lewis
    

    
    

    i cry if a dog dies.......or like, on Tuesday, when I attended the funeral of one of my young singers........young and promising lives come to an end. For me, sadness has been such a great part of my life that I am, in a way, used to it. And THAT is not right!! Now I pay closer attention. So many things have happened in my life only within the last 6 years or so.......sometimes I am amazed that I am still standing. A COMPETENT and GRATIFYING companion I surely need! I can't be the one toting the load....not anymore......
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    Lois H. Y. Lewis
    

    
    

    that is good. then I will purchase the first copy!!
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    Maven Huggins
    

    
    

    ;D
    you helped me just now. even more than i thought. i am now calmer. the crying stopped. seriously ceased. and it is because you explained what i am seeing and experiencing but had no words. he is running away. i can deal with that. i can let him. no resistance from me

  
  

  • Lois H. Y. Lewis
    

    
    

    nope! i am glad you are willing to let him go.....he will feel it and may feel more comfortable and not go anywhere!! BUT..........it is not a matter of trying to predict his actions as much as just letting it be.
  • Maven Huggins
    

    
    

    yes. that is my lesson. to let all and everything and anything BE.
    that is it everyday.

    i was just checking myself that it was not my own idiosyncrasies and assness, again. that i was not making the same mistakes

    being foolish, egoic...i was just checking myself that i was being loving to myself and to him. (i cant say right)> i was making sure i was not creating my own suffering. and to let go makes no suffering

  
  Lois H. Y. Lewis
  

  correct

  
  --------------"on sex can make us delusional"..............
  
  

  • Maven Huggins

    hm. that is another thing. i and or chase were saved. for some reason our relationship was more platonic than sexual. we have really good energy, interest at one point, and good sex. the last time he said i made him and his legs weak. but i always thought it odd and a blessing at the same time. and that captures why and how this experience transcended all normalities. and it has been confusing. the thing itself was delusional. the relationship. not any one aspect. bizarre. i often wondered if he was lying about who he was.
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    Lois H. Y. Lewis

    hmm.....does HE know who he is?
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    Maven Huggins

    i did wonder if something is wrong with him, if he does not have the rage for sex, or if he is with someone else, but Lois, Chase and I were together straight every day since we met. literally . perhaps a week of separation in between. serious. isnt that crazy?
    what do you mean "does he know who he is?"
    
    Lois H. Y. Lewis
    

    you say you wonder whether he was lying about who he is........but is is that he is lying or that he DOESN'T KNOW?

    wow

    ok

    hmm

    i don't think it is someone else tho
    

    • Maven Huggins

      i think that is a good part of it
      I think he is caught between living and surviving in this terrible place called trinidad and being the pure soft hearted soul he is.
      I see him thinking he has great friends and a cousin but they are all shithounds, asshole smartment or proving that they are not for him. from the outside looking in, that is the huge thing i have seen about his life these two months
      but he does not admit it, or when he does, he plays it down. his children have recently shocked him too
    • 
      

      Maven Huggins

      him not knowing who he is might run way deeper than i can know or see too
    • 
      

      Lois H. Y. Lewis

      wow

      ok
    • 
      

      Maven Huggins

      but he is under a great amount of pressure now:
      he said it:
      "war at home"
      "war at work"
      and us and our battles that i now think are not of me. all him. but he does not see it. He does have a lot of dark suffering areas about him. this has been instructive to me.. the first time i tried to relate to a trini man...and though he fits in some areas, in others, not.
      Bizarre i tell you