Writing my Focus 2017

no more barataria
no more laventille
no more drinking
no more smoking


Refined Eating:
Restaurant Food
Gourmet Fare
Meats, Salads, Vegetables
Endless Fruits

Therapy Waveney
Therapy Uchenna

Writing and Completing Projects


Best Village My Life
Film Therapy, Broadcast

125 D'abadie Acreage Ownership

Robin Bynoe Time , Investment, Attention, Patron

My own Apartment - Conceierge Condo Penthouse
Studio Office -One WoodBrook Place
Victoria Place Penthouse

Building on Colvert and Cipriani and Tragarete Rds - ArtShram

Son, Bynoe Robin

Mark Lewis

Inaugural National Fellowship Grant  - Ten years

Ancestral Float and Esoteric Movement

"So, what are your therapists saying they think is wrong? And, what do you think is wrong or not right?"

so many things to respond and also dont know what to respond.

imagine first.

people want to get rid of a person, and they get the news, message, from a spiritual reading (they could not be told that is where it came from..cause they dont believe in orisa)...that they cant get rid of me until "I get the skills and tools to survive" (as if i did not survive before now, before them, eh. but that is another query)...and so for someone they think are leeching off of them and using them, they now have to pay what amounts to $1000 a week for me to get those tools.

Therapy.

That dont seem ironic to you?

That dont tell you we are living a spiritual story here. not a human one?

You know what that tells me. There purpose is to take care of me, and not because of me but because of the ancestors I embody in a way that is not normal. IN a session yesterday with the two women i photographed and posted, the one to the top left said, "She is more orisa than the two of us" and my cousin supposed to be this big Iya and Priestess/ Them identify as orisa, and initiated. I have not/

Then she told me she does not see me, she sees strength, as an old slave woman. I am ancient and I am with many ancestors about me. and is not the first time that has been told to me. it is the second time from a regular person saying it. The male therapist I see he told me that in the first session too.

The very thing that is tormenting them, and they blame me for, is the very meal they are being forced to eat. and it getting bigger and bigger i find that amazing.

 

What the therapist saying?

They sent me to get therapy cause i am the problem right? I am the pathology? I am sick. Something wrong with me. I hear that in various ways. Even heard last night how my aunt is afraid they put me on medication and that shocked me. cause it told me these people really mad. intend to make me mad and doing everything to try and bear that out, when only the opposite is emerging. It is them.

So the therapist told my aunt how she was harsh to me some years ago when i went to spend time and bond wiht her and she yelled at me telling me she dont need no supervisor. she was gardening. Out of the blue. sick people. I never forgot it cause it showed me who she was, and how she saw me/ and nothing has changed since then.

Then it came out in just one session that is not me they have a problem with it is their hatred for my father they project onto me, making me the problem then.

IT is their deep unresolved, abiding trauma and hurt of losing their beloved sister, and cousin that they blame him for. and i am being made to pay for that. And add to that, My refusal to fight him as they wanted me to for land and house and inheritance. They have it in for me>

That it is clear they are the problem. They created this problem. A clap of broken hurt people looking for someone to blame and lighten their pain. and it is me

Then they say how i defend my father and they cant talk to me about him or the story . but they dont realize they never talk of Carl, his name. but it is always, "Your father" So what the fuck are you saying?

They just dont like my blood. pure and simple.

I keep viewing and thinking of them as friends and the one family that kept me sane among the trauma and dysfunction of my family home only to find in this life decades later, that they are my enemy and collective nemesis.

so there is never any pause with them to absorb their role and behavior. just constant volley, constant attack. constant fight down

And i realize another big part of that is that I am the full embodiment of what all of them wish they could be, and that infuriates and enrages them all the more

It is an unending rope they wish to hang me. and hanging themselves in the process. creating much suffering

And all i am doing is what the sister reflected back to me last night: Just surviving. and "Riding the wave , floating off my ancestors"... their making and direction

 It was hard yesterday. it was explosive. I have never been so enraged , never emoted to that extent. i told them they are mad no ass

I am still not feeling myself today

 

read my posts from last night about 11pm.

All of them. the photos. of Egungun.

That is what my cousin;s friend told me. in front of my cousin. I am ancestral. I am Egungun. I came home and researched it cause I did not know of it. never heard the name or word.. It is allowing me to explain and process all of this stuff

They think it is me who needs help but it is not me. It is them. Toxic Pained People in Deep Suffering.
But their insistence to attack me keeps just blessing and elevating me. and that is the deep irony.

 
Trying to share and have a conversation with them, my cousin, about the therapist breakthroughs, messages and feedback and realizing all is just offense to them that creates more wounds and conflicts, just has shut me down for yet another time. A mistake that I shall not repeat.

I am exhausted. now

And that is also what the therapist said Wedn before this blowout. I am burnt out/

They think they have worked so hard in life and I am riding on their coat tails, completely blindsided that I may just have worked harder than they ever could or survive in this life, and it is their price to pay, to me as embodiment of all the past lives and ancestors. the denying that is creating a bigger price for them, and perhaps me too

my life and experiences are so far over their heads, even as they were present for much of it, it is like they werent, they arent. and it is causing great problems. but i guess that is the destiny


and i feel in the rising up yesterday,  the flaring up of my ignited soul, the blaze, my ancestral collective got riled up, disheveled, thrown into disarray, and the focus now is to reassemble them back into a calm . the question is who is going to take lead, and which on what spot, what positions, what corner, what purpose, mission. i feel that in my soul. i dont feel good. I dont feel like before. I do feel very famished. very low energy.  great constitutional discord

Zabocas and Corbeauxs

i did not even realize the top of the zaboca seedling even looks like a bird sitting in sleep, a corbeaux even.

....

so i woke up writing.

cause after my day yesterday; its revealings, emergences, revelations, i became clear. there is no need to ask for basic shit when you have plans to go to source. you ask for high and rich things. way above your hands, but within your management. you dont ask a giant to help you reach and you still asking for what your hand's length. it not so. is not so to do it at all. so i began writing and outlining the plan and vision.

then it started raining.

then i opened the blinds and peered outside.

only to see my tall avocado with new eyes of the day.

a few months ago that plant fell out of its pot. intact soil , impacted. i stupidly thought because it was atop the soil of a huger plant and pot and receiving water constantly it would be okay. not so. the leaves started to wither and would not revive. and then they dried up. almost all are still there, they are taking forever to fall off. the dead clinging to its source despite a total lack of life.

then i noticed that the tree began to grow new sprouted leaves, green and vibrant., new shoots, now arms. all of this existing with the dead and curled leaves still clinging..

and it hit me this morning. a zaboca tree will make you think it is dead. when it is not. when it is very much alive. doing well and producing. is it a wonder i love zaboca as much as i do and willing to pay any amount of price for it, as I have. I am writing and the one to one correlation and metaphor is stunning. down to being a womb, a female fruit . and is the tree a male or female character.? who does play dead the most to catch corbeauxs? males or females?

i am that zaboca, and its tree.

they think i am sick and dead when i am merely a turtle withdrawn into her shell for the right time to emerge, when and where it is safe to do so, cause bob did say, only when you fight and runaway do you live to fight another day. they dont got me though...they are so far removed.

i am living a spirit story in a human form. a cosmic revealing in an ant colony. the green and verdant amidst decay and death

Egungun

in 2006 or so i imagine. i no longer remember the date and time, i saw ella andal's warrior awake video. and was inspired to create a jouvert band of ;warriors'/ but the costumes were to be the pierrot grenade form, but for different sections, like say , east indians, the fabric would be of indian shreds and strands, silk, cotton, iconic acknowledged fabric. the african section would use african fabric strands, from all over the contintent. other groups , like say first peoples, would use fabrics iconographic to their history, and so on, chinese, etc.

only now, tonight, when someone told me they do not see me, but they see an ancient, an old slave woman, and that I am very ancestral, walking with many, and that is not the first time the latter was said to me, that i asked no questions, said i would come home and research it. I did not even have the proper spelling.
but imagine my surprise to see imagery of egungun and it is what? emulating the very exact same idea and pattern for the costumes I had envisioned / there are no mistakes.
when chase told me in some sort of trance that I am walking with all my past lives and they are my ancestors. it all comes together.
when i am asked how is it I am able to withstand so much trauma and not be walking the road mad and naked, I had no answer, but now I do. I am the strength of too many to be ever brought down or low.
and i also keep realizing the attacks that come up against me because of that strength. kind of wild. while i listened to the conversation about me, I thought of harriet tubman and wondered, if i was her too.
i got into a moment of force tonight that literally has me spent and demolished. i know whence from my rage. It is a long time since I have gotten to that level but it is for the carrying of too much
#theforcecollectiveofancestors
with every strand of fabric

i now understand clearly my connection to Olutosin/
the work she does, weaving, and creating clothing, accessories, items, art, wall hangings from multiple pieces of left over fabrics is the work of gathering the bones, egungun. and when i write gathering the bones, I think of my sister Edwidge, if only i knew then when i sat in her home having tea and vittles, what i know now...
the ancestors, and the women as keepers of the ancestral hearth

Right: Children maskers playing "Pierrot Grenade" at Carnival in Trinidad. The etymology of this costume can be traced to African Egungun and European Harlequin (commedia Harlequin historically played in blackface, the "rags" become triangular patches). At bottom:   a mummer in whiteface (blackface has been banned for 40 years) at the Philadelphia's Mummer's Parade, January 2011.

source:  http://performancetheory.blogspot.com/p/blog-page_23.html








Today served a mighty purpose. TwoHugeFOld:
1. To impress upon Carla the weight of the need to marshall
her forces and the prime minister to help me gain significant employment

2. For me to learn of my ancestral tome and carry. Egungun

There are no mistakes

Hunny

Hunny

I am sooooooo looking forward to seeing you again, as I know in time you will see that I am quite simply what you have seen so far.

I am trying to be an open book, and that's why I gave you my card. You said you weren't sure I was telling the truth about who I was...... you didn't believe my real name was Robin etc...... well now you know that you don't have to be so sceptical aboutme....

From the beginning I said I was an easy going and generally open and real person. Everything I have said, was because I said, I wanted to lay my cards on the table, to not be seen as a little boy that lies just to get in a lady's pants.

I didn't know that we were going to have so much in common where interests are concerned, but I really, really enjoy our conversations and time together and when I get back, I PROMISE to make it up to you and we can wrestle naked till you beg to stop .... lol

Anyhow, enough chat....

Don't overthink. We are good and I hope you get some good luck workwise luv...

London is great, but I will be back lol

Talk soon

R

Dada, Carl and Me

so carrie is gone?
cause why is bbc doing a retrospective of her work
and referring to her as "was"
yes. it ended.

fuck you 2016.
not for me. but for your rash racking
at least carrie fought back star wars
she did not go easy
another parent burying her child
will be interesting to see when her mother pulls her plug
such an interesting evening
saw a male cousin , essentially telling me that i took form and function of our grandfather who was a heavy hand patriarch, controller/ he was attempting to explain why 'he came for me; and i told him i never did. he came for me. but as he spoke i understood. he wanted to take over Dada;s role and saw me as his only rival for something that did not even come up on my radar. but now speaks to the kind of wombmyn i am . and moor said it: IRON
it also was another part of the puzzle and i said it to him..."do you realize that is all the negative, fight, attack and maligning of me from everybody.. matriarch come down...cause I am a woman being the authority of who they say only a man can wield. and so something must be wrong with.me. It was bizarre. too earth shattering a truth erupted in too quiet a mode and to brief a moment, literally no more than ten. and then we were interrupted/
life and me
it is really deep too cause this one male in my family is telling me amongst all the many and varied women in our family, i am the one who shows up like the patriarch. if it was not me, I'd be saying, buh wha d ass.. but it is me, aso all i am saying equally is wha. see. this explains it. this explains everything
and that is why he is protecting, carrying and covering me. and they still dont get it.
Carrie is only 60. if that/ crazy.

What Neal did not process is that i am the masculine hetero female wombmyn i am because of Carl my father, but he insists it is because of Dada, my grandfather. We have no idea how much our perspective, lives and personal experiences form and frame our thought patterns and projections

Systemic Micro Plays

Alan Ferreira

"Most of the times, the one to blame for where you are....is you."

how many of you on this thread have had someone block your meteor, while in flight, unbeknownst to you, because they felt you did not deserve or should not have the blessing, standing, status or position that was given , offered or earned?

how many of you on this thread had someone offer you something big but the person offering did not come to you directly, cause they did not know you, much, but went to someone else, a family member, say, and presented them. and that member saying, "you not ready" and you only find out years later? this happened in trinidad like in 2004.

the former happened in like 1996. at michigan state university. with racist biased white people. I applied for an inaugural position, to represent my field, agriculture economics, on capitol hill, dc. i had passed all stages , a national call out, with flying colors, but had not included my adviser, i had enough other people who knew me longer. they offered me the position saying i was the front runner but wanted to hear from that person, under who i was ostensibly doing my phd. she wrote them a letter stating, that i was black, indicating I went to an hbcu. she indicated that i switched my field, whichwas irrelevant, as I had the masters in the field required, but for the phd i went multidisciplinary. years later with this turn of events haunting me as the post evaporated...i ended up asking the secretary, a white woman too. and she told me in all her decades working in the dept she never saw a reference letter written/ worded like that. she ended up finding it, printing it, i still have it in my trove of papers. she wrote a coded letter to obstruct me.

i share all this to tell you how much you dont know, havent lived, havent ranged, no depth plunged, no star on rise, to fully understand how folk will come for you in different groves. different landscapes. put you in the place you belong. and you all should know about that very well. cause no where else but in trinidad is a phrase so oft repeated and used: "know your place"

it is kind of both deep and funny to me.

Imagine preparing, investing, studying, experiencing to build a foundation and a fortress, only to find there are ammunitions, by varied, that you never see coming and cant ever fight, the dastardly has been done. where you are could have everything to do with other people. and in this colonial society when someone sits down on a desk and decide what school you going to, which dictates your possible outcomes in life, i find this post...well...

live some more please.

and you know, your post is true. for when you never moved off the block you were born on, perhaps. i am gonna try that next life i think.

I thought long and hard about sharing, whether to leave the agreed mindset alone, so forgive me for not doing so... then it took me even longer to write this, carefully, to convey the obverse/opposite.

and i can go on.

been doing a lot of processing lately, a lot of personal work. and realize I have lived and living a story twice in my life. alienation from family, first it was from my father, now from my mothers family. both due to their hatred and jealousy of the former, and the latter, their disdain that i refused to fight him for land and inheritance, upon the death of their sister

you can indeed end up in places that your actions had no play in.

it has been an interesting life.

cheers

_-----------

This was a crazy post. and my life is its juxtaposition.

i tried to be brief, but realize as I closed how much more I could have shared and expanded.. Like me being without a home of my own because my dad sold my mother's house when he had neither right or jurisdiction but a crooked lawyer. 

 

-------

and the post reads like something your hater or massa would say after he cut off your feet or impaired your movement. I am spending time studying the dysfunction and evil that is the world we lve in and how it changes us and our life trajectory from a climb to a fall.  all the crime in trinidad is all about that

2017: Writing, Art Events and Year of Life Budgets

Aquarius Horoscope for week of December 22, 2016

Verticle Oracle card Aquarius (January 20-February 19)

"My goal is to create a life that I don't need a vacation from," says motivational author Rob Hill Sr. That's an implausible dream for most people. But in 2017, it will be less implausible than it has ever been for you Aquarians. I don't guarantee that it will happen. But there is a decent chance you'll build a robust foundation for it, and thereby give yourself a head start that enables you to accomplish it by 2019. Here's a tip on how to arouse and cultivate your motivation: Set an intention to drum up and seek out benevolent "shocks" that expand your concepts of who you are and what your life is about.

hm.

even my horoscopes now are coming in on multiple year timelines. that is a first. i have lived fifty one years and never once outlined a multi-year plan or thrust as much as I can remember. I was just living. did academic programs to completion was the idea, no matter how long it took, not on a timeline of three or five years.

but a few weeks ago, nov 21, actually, i decided to write a five year plan. now this horoscope talks of a three year plan

another first this morning. i wake up thinking about and wrote a budget plan. How much money i need to do specific things already on the horizon for 2017. what a thing. i never did that before.

off the bat i am at $52K, and that aint money for my pocket. then i thought how i stay making people rich. kind of odd.

the interesting thing, yesterday, i sat speaking a strategic program plan for a family member, from a political engagement they had, of their academic accomplishment. and i prescribed to them the products, the steps, how to navigate and negotiate it, outlining the sources and their levels, and how to implement. i was at the center, behind the curtain, like oz, making all of it happen. they in front. even told them what post to ask for on a hire. and their department and university will benefit eh, beyond just them the person.

I have come up with two such plans like that these last few weeks. the other relates to art, and the idea to create a new art based type product for the public, based on one huge popular current of the moment past time.. almost guaranteed to elevate the public, generate revenue from multiple streams: organizations, places, and personal. i get a commission from each sale, and some paintings would be my contract.

know what is fascinating, in both cases, the products i intend to produce can be bought, shared, leased and used by other creatives, they get to superimpose their brand ids, names covers, images on the product , making it for a moment in time, an event, a period or a season, christmas to carnival, say, theirs.

sorry. not sorry.

i am a boss.

even if i never get to manifest these aims for these clients/people/

the funny thing, this is what chase told me to do quite in mid year: stop looking for work and create carve a service that people must buy and pay for, contract.

good morning.

ten hours sleep produces something

Frizzle Owl

it is yvette who i have to thank for my blog. i realize this morning it is seven hundred posts i have published since or around 2010, i believe. an additional ten are written but not published to public.

i just shut it down recently though. seems even though i removed family and relatives from my fb page they continued to scour me on the net, where there is quite a presence, of my professional writings as well as my blogs, prose and poetry. and not contented to read and be shocked, they circulated. so that is the end of that. perhaps now i am sure they still wont say, i am a writer.

the writer . the artist. the economist

can i say i am a creative innovator if all my concepts are still ideas?

anywho, i woke up and came to write...not about that, but about the dream.

is there such a thing as a frizzle owl? cause i dreamt one last night. it is big, huge, the body is the size of my back. it is brown, grey, white, and beige or tan.. and its feathers do not lay down but are feathered and layered like a hair cut I used to have in college. and as I thought about it, for the first time in my life ever did i notice that owl is the root word of fowl. call me stupid. did you ever notice that?

so all fowl are smart and wise?

as i lay here wondering whether to get up and write or continue sleeping and remember everything later, two things occurred to me. i was the owl in the dream, whereas before, i just thought we were separate, and the owl is one of my sacred animals. the others being morrocoys, sea turtles, horses.

so in the dream, i and recent friends were in a huge field as if Michigan...where it gets cold and fall, and the trees seemed like michigan temperates that lose their leaves *feathers/ and me , astrid, laylow and kerry...were milling about, waiting for men to show up, perhaps a head man, mine, in a truck. like a team. urp or cepep or something, but they had no uniforms to indicate such. and so they came and astrid was in this barn shed that just seemed to be a covered space, nothing in it. and the oncoming truck made the owl fly away but it was coming for the barn, and flew inside, and i yelled to astrid, the owl is coming, dont shoot it, cause its like we are all walking around with rifles, but we werent. and sure enough she does exactly what i tell her not to do. but she was such a bad shot, she just grazed its neck. so i told her to kill it cause she damaged it. but the owl just flew back out flew onto my back, squawked in my ear for one last gasp, and died. i realize it cleaving to my back is an identity melding thing. i realize it coming to me to transfer its soul is my soul animal connection. i realize that it being a frizzle owl, i connect it to orisa frizzle fowl and its spirituality. astrid shooting it i realize was her shooting me as she did over the last two weeks.. and it is now the end of our relationship/ but she is such a bad shot, twisted creature she has just displayed for all and sundry how much of a stupid mind she is . shooting herself in the foot, taking out a wise tool . anyway. it was an interesting dream. frizzle owl. very different from the owl that lives with me in my neighborhood. she is white, a mother, i believe with babies who are not so much anymore. and far smaller. and for some reason of all the houses here, she knows this one and me in it. no other way to explain her consistent visits. and that one time when she squawked while i was in the kitchen, the one time i am not where i usually am, in my salon, that is the direct opposite side of the house, which is more distance that most would think.

i still have to just say, hmmmm

i was in astrid and her people's environment but in the dream, they are in mine: country fields, temperate climate, rural area. barn. wow. it is just hitting me that girlfriend was in the barn, by herself, the rest of us were all outside. so is she the one that is more animal that us. and i hate to use that reference, cause animals are so much more and better than us humans. wow. but a barn are for those animals who have been cut off from their higher selves eh, herded and made for utility/. like a tool. like .... blow. mind.

good morning

if i wasnt an owl before, i most definitely will become one in the coming years and months because not only will i be doing therapy, i will be doing it twice, two different guides, two different therapist, two and different and overlapping functions: one for the body physicality, the other for the mind and emotion. so 2017 is the year beginning for holistic total treatment. and oh what I will learn from those modes, separate and in tandem

New Life

It is December 16, 2016
Let me tell you where I am in life on this day:

1. My life and alignment has clearly shifted in the cosmos.
It may have started on Monday November 21, 2016 when I met Robin Bynoe


2. But last week Friday, December 9, when I offered and met with the D'Abadie settlement squatter camp community, to aid them in getting regularization, getting closer to being legally on the land,
and to secure their rights as well as to limit and close the space and window by which anyone can threaten and overpower them to be removed from the land. And those people, each one, contributed
a one hundred dollar bill for me to get  $1500 cash in hand. After a three hour meeting and further planning on the ride home from Arima



The plan, resolve and vision is that I would be the Land Developer for the Settlement. Making it a green technology organic production collective, providing entertainment and venue services to the public. I plan that we shall rebuild all the homes into recycled, solar powered dwellings. Far superior and elevated from the floor board buildings they currently live. There will also be a bank and an endowment for the community.
IN exchange for my services, I will get land to build my home and  set up and operate my businesses.
On Monday of this week, I wrote out a scheme of preparation, organization, and identified potential partners for us to organize with a timeline to March 2017 to get a program plan in order
The partners are : Robin Bynoe. Natasha McCollum, Daren Mc Leod, Canalia Martin, and myself,
Melise Huggins

 It was after that meeting last Friday, and hours later, meeting Natasha, a surveyor, land developer, and contractor that I felt the universe was aligning up for me. Then Robin being a contractor himself.


3. Today, Mommy took me to see a therapist that was my every prayer, wish, vision and desire. My dream was that I would meet the person and we would connect and become friends, and mentor, and even perhaps, my salvation and place to stay and run away to.

Well, I wrote on paper that i wanted a therapist who referred to Frantz Fanon, and Dr EB Dubois, and she started out by asking "if i was the one who wrote and filled out my paper?" I was impressed. All the wait and delay and stressors from Mommy proved to be a boon and blessing, For the right person to show up. She plans to engage me in  "trauma resolution work" and "brain electrical firing assessment". ANd I am so excited. I come home feeling as if a weight has been lifted, and I feel light

4. Then, on the way to the session, Mommy was listening to Uchenna Hackett of Livet on the radio. He is a health consultant, and was speaking about  therapy and how he resolves people's issues in far shorter time than most psychologist. and it was a matter of being stuck in a trauma. When I returned home from Waveney, I wrote him and he responded that he would see both me and Mommy for free if we were willing to do everything necessary. Mommy does not wish to do so, but I am calling him tomorrow to set it up and start next week.


All at once, the universe is resolving all my life facets. And I am totally elated..
Now mind you, though Uchenna is working with me for free. I have to find $1000 to visit Waveney once a week for a long time forward. At first I was stunned, but by the time I got half way home, I know and believe the universe will show up and provide the money . IN a matter of days, it will be done. It might even be the job at WASA.

I had to document this shift of life, the cosmos, the earth tilting to my gardens.
My 2017 started in November on the 21st.

Light, Pretty and Preferred

there is a cruel ironic energy that rules this land, i gather.

banfield just mere days after #lifeinleggings?

how you folk who were bashing and complaining feeling now?

under what rug are you seeking cover?

cruel cruel ironic energy

it was not enough to consumer her, physically violate her movements, but it was necessary to kill her.

that is level up. #deadinleggings

then we need another hashtag for the dark mature black woman who was murdered same day, shot in cold blood and no one has neither comment, tear or regret to share. all i did hours ago upon hearing the news is why do people fight over land and property when all are going to die and leave it all. but i been thinking about her all day/ wondering if she knew she was dealing with such a treacherous opponent? did she think she needed to go underground.? how cold too that they took her out one day before her court case/ i have run out of hashtags. i cant think of an appropriate for this dark chocolate one.

on a personal level, i think too how i contiue to live on amidst such despise because one, i have had no job, two, i am hated because of my patrimony, and three, they hate the female I dare to be, as well as equally deeply envy and resent my fortunes. and look, so many other girls and women are kidnapped, murdered and their ones are totally beloved of them and in deep hurt. kind of wild irony too.

after starving myself all day, i just ate again since nightfall and gave thanks and asked the universe and ancestors by name to continue providing for and protecting me. please.

i wonder too, where and when there is no one to fight for or cry for you, what do you do? for yourself?

IyaBabaLawo

Life Code Spirit Break/

i have no idea why it has taken me this long. but i am almost sure and would travel to the moon with this knowledge and insight that i just received.

the times people think i am professionally inappropriate in my writings and communications it is because my third eye, my astral self, my higher spirit self saw something if not everything of them, saw what it was they were doing, their obfuscations, shields and other runarounds. i saw the deeds of their poker hands, their attempts to deflect and most of all the intention and energy in which they were dealing, handling and engaging me, and I responded from that truth and knowing, not the civil polite, unspoken, silent way that i was not to know about, what was taking place, in the first place..

I cant tell you how many times that happened to me that i never knew. it is what led me to sandra batie's letter years after the fact, it is why i wrote I dont know what in an email to hans geiser on his shit in the 90s, it is why i just woke up and knew the handing over of my personal items to a mutual friend was badmind and vindictiveness. i wrote the person to ask them if anyone in their life ever tell them that, he eh answer me yet. except to say, "k then" honesty would have had him engaging me.

but just now. a sequence hit me. i sought three people, i know at various degrees, all of them they largely do not know me and vice versa. but i am amused. from the bottom, marielena, to the midrange, ingridjahra and then martindaly just answered me after some months. at least i have the right address. but my response to daly..i wrote him back, though i used the language sit and chat, this is not about coffee, this is about national transformation and making millions of dollars, probably still the latter peas to him, but i read and sensed his dismissal. and closed by telling him there is no one in this landscape made to do what i am trying to do . and that is okay. it is what it is.

but it hit me. I read these people. I see them. I see their soul, heart and hand, and respond as if they know i am seeing it. not realizing the would not know that is happening. they will find me odd and jarring, and their ignorance will just lead them to think i am mad or unstable. but i am not. I am the most. cause i know what i am not supposed to. and therein lies the chasm, gap and rub.

woosah. wow

this is big one.

who would this be, bringing so much disruption to people's daily masques? kali? oya? the dark side of oshun and yemaya?

the pieces are coming together, slowly, but at a growing pace now.

when the babalawo calls and reads me as a babalawo years ago.

when the priestess calls me iya, twice in one day, she says, and the thing is, i never heard or picked up on it. twice in one day and that day was a sunday. when the blind seer man living in warehouse in laventille tells me i am the 'mother of the stars' - she who truly be so would read other planets and stars, no?

Epiphanies and Revelations

good Sixth morning

 An Iya...the work of Stephen Hamilton

Iya Me Mel

Obatala, Esu, and Oshun

honor given

and she, the initiate and priestess tells me "it is twice today that I called you "Iya" and i say, "why is that?" and she says, "because on some level, you are" and i say, "thank you for saying that, admitting that" but she was drunk, and away from her ego, shields and issues. but i was glad to hear it. it was a piece of the puzzle.

and before that, she called me as we were leaving the house, to come give praise and prayers with her, and she asked for her blessings to be handed and extended to me. and while she prayed and asked, I just focused on the house that her aunt intervened and made sure her father leave the house for her.

but before that, while i ate my dinner of plantain vegetarian lasagna, rice and callaloo. on the gallery, and she showered, i heard a voice say "come" and i did not know whose voice it was, nor it was come to go where, to whom, i do not know. but i knew i heard it. but i also knew it was not her. so i kept it to myself. but it was clear as day clarion under the sun.

so when she told me that she did not know why she was led to call me to her altar, i told her. I heard the voice say, "come".

but it was a big part of my puzzle

they fight me down because i am high up.

i have lived a thousand lives and over ancient years

from when the land was under rock mountains and only sea,

and we flew to one settlement to another

that long

and there is nothing under the sun

and tonight listening to the best music at the most grassroots of studios, a cokeye sister told me as she asked me about life in the neighborhood and i say, it changes but remains the same: the people who limed, those who no longer lime together, stop being out, and newbies show up but it is the same drama and stories and she said, "the human path" and that struck me as so profound and truth . beyond "human nature, which is so much of everything and nothign all at the same time. . but the 'human path". folk will remain stupid, ignorant, regressive, ...nothing of that will ever change. you know what the evolution and transformation is? to not react. to stop reacting. to stop giving them the goat. to watch them as if they are unreal, cause they are, they are figments of their own twisted minds. i / you have nothing to do with that. and it freed me up. somehow. hopefully.

and even my benefactor Yusuf told me Friday "i am an eternal optimist; just find another way to deal with it" like not cry. not be sad, not be affected, all of that is totally irrelevant to me and my l life.

and that is what i am going to do. do me. be me. and let the lessers figure their shit out. and damn i hope they learn sooner than later that they have zero effect and power over my path and destiny.

i appear to be the least and most likely, but truthfully, i am actually the exact opposite. and that is why they struggle and suffer so much, they refuse to accept and reconcile it,. they fight it. only making me stronger, bigger, more and powerful

ase/ Ase. ASE

what a bomb weekend it has been 'give thanks

#LifeInLeggings

 

i got wind of this. and it spurred something immensely valuable.

["#LifeInLeggings: Being afraid to ask your mother, sister, Tanty, Nennen their stories because you scared to tell them yours."]

#LifeInLeggings:

#LifeinLegginsPaternalI know my paternal grandmother and paternal aunt's life stories. I have shared it numerous times. My grandmother was raped at fifteen working as a domestic in a family house by the father, husband. My aunt was raped at fifteen as well after she was harassed endlessly at school from about the age of ten by a male teacher. When I asked her if she could not tell anyone, thinking of my grandmother and great grandmother, she said, "tell who?" in a derisive tone indicating the powerlessness of women, (back then?) (any different now?) and the effect of a male-less household.

i also know the story of my father's niece, my cousin, who told me that it was her mother, my aunt, my father's sister, who palmed her off to a considerably older guy, a neighbor who registered his interest in my cousin. i believe she was thirteen or so and he eighteen or something to that effect.

I realize from this memory and stimulus to rememeber these stories that my father['s family of women are way more honest and authentic than my maternal family/

#LifeInLeggingsMaternal: from a little girl, before I left trinidad, i had a dream that i remember to now and I am fiftyone, of walking up a mountainside with my payol grandmother and coming upon a small shed that seemed to be the size of an outhouse and an old man coming out and having the distinct feeling in the dream, at that young age of five or under seven for sure, that he was coming for us, but it was my grandmother who was in danger. like i sensed he had raped, violated or interfered with her, and we needed to run. from that young age. i think i was born, sent and came, knowing sensing things.

On the same side of my mother's family, i had an older cousin who told me in a fit of drunk and moment that her older brother interfered with her when they were young, she did not indicate nor give any intimation of what that interference meant or its extent.

In a recent conversation of another mutual cousin, she was discussing how she changed as she was growing up, how she used to be feminine as a little girl and all of a sudden get boyish. and in the hearing my spirit told me and i shared that she was interfered with.. violated somehow. my cousin, despite her big status at various jobs, always looks a mess, from hair to clothes, and give her a chance, just off the rails.

#LifeInLeggingsMe: It is only late in life, in the last thirteen years in trinidad, and the last three years am I so crystal clear on the pandemic sexual abuse, rape and violation is of women. they almost all have stories. including my closest friend now that resulted in her first child. Living in trinidad, I have come to understand and know how rampant it is for male boys, male children and young males to be too sexually violated, raped and abused. But they do not have the luxury to tell, not even their girlfriends. I even know of a grown man who was abused by his wife, she withholding sex and using it as a control lever. His girlfriend at the time confided in me that story. I only now realize how perverted most are. And because of these stories I realize how incredibly protected, covered, and lucky I have been. #LifeInLeggingsMe: My father told me/us, my brother and I, he who died at eighteen, so imagine all that time prior, I was twenty two. that long time he wanted to leave our mother but he never did to stay in protection of us, so that no one would come and interfere with us. But i never knew when he said it what he meant, and I never asked. Only age brought reason. only my current awareness brought truth. #LifeInLeggingsMe: I have two nieces to try to school instruct and protect the same way. And their grandmother been telling them ever since small, to tell and talk if anyone touches them wrongly. I learned a lot from their grandmother. That her mother, my grandmother Maria, the one who i had the dream on the hill with, though married to a policeman and family titan, Never Left her Girl Children with their Father. NEVER. that was shocking. When my sister traveled for work, my mother would keep the girls at home base, not leave them in the care of their father!!!

I have learned a lot of what life can be in leggings.
And I am glad I know my family women's stories, some of them.
My story is theirs
And I am grateful I was sent to break that line.