Emotional Stories

 
Oprah@60 January 2014/


first of all
oprah as my profile pic is freaking me out when i go to comment and write elsewhere from my profile pic. i pause and think who is that, it is not me...a faceless non person image is more me than another's

second of all, hmmm

epiphanies of me in relationships
are oprah and I both emotionally unavailable?

trying to find answers but they are not easily found
can i be emotionally unavailable amidst nothing but married and relationed men? or do i just know what i want and want what i want, just as i want
and feel no need to compromise. is that indulging in fantasies or the extent to which i like and love myself?
when i cut and run rather than put up with folk who i feel miss the mark or are substandard...is that too harsh? or am i just seeking to be in the midst of those who can take me higher? i certainly not seeking vainglory to be the star in the pack amidst coals. let me be the coal striving to reach the heights of my sojourners. for once. ever? please

what is the truth? i dont think it is so simply stated or constructed
i admit how complex and challenging i would be to one dimensionals though and take full responsibility for that. i just wish we would just let others be. we walk our own independent straight line. your choice for t he character you live has nothing to do with me, and everything to do with you. who are you? let me be me and  you be you. and if you say  you love and for. live it. show it. let the talk reinforce the walk. show .

#reflectionson2013
i thought chase had reasons. but he does not.

God and Gaia

By Elephant Journal

“Man is the most insane species. He worships an invisible God and destroys a visible Nature. Unaware that this Nature he’s destroying is this God he’s worshipping.” ~ Hubert Reeves

i could so expand this tenet..the nature he is destroying is himself. his nature. his livity. his means. his cell. himself. to himself. God. god is a destructor. women are the creators.\: earth. female specie. man may very well know that nature is preeminent and female, hence his attempt to commodify, objectify, consume and destroy, just like they do females, and powerful wombmyn

i just wrote something there


god in fact might be beelzebub
but the question and mystery remains, then who is the ultimate creator?
what is her/that name?
god is a maelstrom of the hidden and obfuscated truth
hm...

at first i thought of the elephant as the mammal of the longest in vitro
and longest memory-brained creature...but it just got me to earth and gaia
there is god and then there is gaia

One Ticket to Ride

Charles E. Lydia Sr.:
"Life is like musical chairs when the music stops u got to get in where you fit in...."

• 

  Maven Huggins:
  
  "do you know what you just wrote? if you wrote this any time before now i dont know if i would have understood. this is something that happens at a certain age. after a certain age or perhaps with a tragedy or incidence. the life music does stop. the music stopped for a lot of people during economic crisises. and you have to get in where you fit in. if you were picky and flighty all your life with friends, lovers, feeling life was endless before you. traveling everywhere, leaving your roots and source behind, you get to an age and a place to realize more is not necessarily coming. you only get one or so many in your life. really one...and if you jumped off it, that is it. it is gone. it is not coming back. and this is me writing. me who no one knows my age unless i tell them. people think i am beautiful, some stunningly so. i am still healthy, whole wholesome and athletic, folk talk about my beautiful skin, my skin being beautiful...and smart, salt of the earth kind of woman...phd, growing food...entrepreneurial...with all that talkent, skill and gifts. If i am writing this, can you imagine what i am really saying ? what you just said???
  
  this is a key. I am learning there are things to tell your children when they are young, this is one of them...
  
  DEEP!!!
  
  not many public places one can be so bare

Human Folly

i wake up with so many thoughts and emotions, having watched Sunday Morning while they foment.

i think how people hold on to things you say and do that means nothing to you, even if you could remember them... but means everything to them, which to me, emphasizes the construction of offense, and foolery. if it werent the person's intent, then what are you beating up about.  deconstructing human folly

i think of the accident of interaction. the unevenness of relating
the mamaguy of dynamics. the facebook reunion that was last night.

the wickedness of playing with womens heads. women. hm. wow. seems as if they are wired to have a man. and to see that played out in social scenes limes and settings is amusing. the holding onto, the leaning, the grabbing, and the doing it as if on a switch the minute their 'man' appears to be in any verbal engagement with another woman. it is so funny to me. i am almost always in the conversation but backstage to my mind is the snickering laughing and guffawing at the silly female responses. 

but i realize it takes a particular kind of woman to be in relationships, in that mode as described above, to be demure, silent, pliant, easy, comfortable

and then last night a friend telling me that only married and men in relationships would like me because they would not be able to contend otherwise, i am too much for a single man to comprehend and comprise... being with and of the attributes i do, well, a man already hooked will be sure, let me ride. it was amusing. i call it a curse. he saw it differently : just the life and inabilities of males and egos.

that gets me back to offense but i already wrote about that...someone tried to get offended by me not willing to engage them on their topic. it was the first time i danced out of a conflict and walked out of as if to appear taking blame and incompetence. wow. i am really studying sun tzu/
effortlessly, years after reading it. seems to now immersing my soul and body

which gets me to a question for an interview: "Does being a badass make you sad?"

i think of the myriad ways of sadness and loneliness, and the myriad ways people fight and rage against ever feeling those things...like a woman, again, who trails her man everywhere, with anyone willing or blindly overrun to do so...just to find him, to see who he is with, her focus of fear shall remain nameless (shifts uneasy in chair)...and it is the fear of being manless, being alone. her own best male friend explained it so: "She is terrified of getting old and knowing what she traded and built her life upon: her looks are fading" fascinating my human studies and cases

but i learned one grand lesson last year 2013. people are looking to be saved. not to build with you. which gets me to another point i had sometime during the night---it is so hard to make new friends and circles after a certain time of life. there is an expiry date. you also cant hope to drop in as if on a helicopter into a new land, new places, spaces and countries and expect the natives to integrate you and certainly not if you are random, unusual, strange and foreign. talk about loneliness and alienation...but to be sensible, you have to make peace with that.  a life story of endless travels, visits, jaunts and schooling in foreign lands makes for great reading and fantastic writings but is turmoil for a personal life. who are you moving with? through life? no one.  just your lonesome...but . and.  you cant expect anyone to save you from that. any time every time you think that is happening. check yourself. pull yourself up and out..you are going down a rabbit hole. and whomever has you by the hand, taking you somewhere to leave and abandon you. it would be you to catch standing under the spotlight of invasion. all of that to say, find and heal yourself. keep company by yourself. seek out none for sojourn. it is a mirage at best, some form of fakery for the moment. every body is going through stuff. some share most hold back. someone asked me last night plain: "where should a person who has been abused go?" and i just said inside. he thought i did not hear him, leaned into me closer and repeated it. and i repeated myself: inside of yourself. and i write this and realize again something i wrote a long time ago. something i recognized - that all the grand comedy, fun, liming, drinking, women, and sexing, the great personalities, the joie d'vive, the loudest laughter, the endless jaunts... they are of the people carrying the most pain, complexity, struggles and it is their way of masking it. meanwhile us morose and melancholy fools are tainted in all kinds of ways just for being truthful. life is shit and i just trying to get through/without all the games, pretenses and makeup

speaking of makeup i wondered last night about women, or men...and the men when they hook up with these caked faced women, does all that end up on sheets, pillowcases and walls? how do you feel about that? does it even matter? do you care? I was just wondering

yeah. the mind and thoughts of an aimless muse

all because i feel very far away from myself, my soul...at a river, in a river, under a waterfall, walking thick lush grass and ground like up inside maracas. away from noise and people.  there. that. the bush. i miss.
 i am lost . i have strayed too far away from home.  it is terrifying

if i were converting these thoughts into scenes for a film, what would we be watching? of what style directorship? allen/ scorcese/ dash/ lee/... i wonder what kind of film i would make. after writing all of this i thought: show me dont tell me

wow

Personal Reparations, Professional Restitution and Institutional Reform ~
Trinidad and Tobago/ The Case of One Citizen and Descendant

#unitednations
#commonwealth
#nobleprize
#macarthurgenius
#legalprecedent
#endcolonialism
#notnevereverwasaslave

Poverty

http://pleaseaddress.com/poverty-all-entries/

Prayers of the Powerless

there is just one day in the calendar of action-- today

i realize prayer is the preserve of the powerless and confused
i planned to pray more because somehow it keeps coming at me. in different ways. i cant make sense of the endless faces and spirits about me. and those who appear to me, behind lids, standing in my salon and bedroom. i think to pray because of the flowing comments of my artwork; an art that I myself do not intend or create but believe is guided by an unseen hand, which is as much the message sent and received. i think to pray to give my soul some calm in a turgid turbid storm that has been raging and running for thirteen to ten years now. but as i picked up a book of inspirations i was given last year, and started reading , i realize how we run and go to prayer to make sense of what makes no sense. magical realism for physical distortions and economic matrices and psychologically complex and twisted rabbit hole labyrinths . cause what i remember clearly was how i prayed diligently, in and throughout previous lives. and what did it land or yield me. am i not in this boat and i have i not swam sailed or been thrown out - surviving other rivers. and that is what i get to. no matter what it seems like we never know what is happening in the invisible. and so for that, we hold on, and keep praying and reading of King Solomon, David, Job, Rumi, Isaiah, Esther, Ruth, and Lillith

------------
i was jumping out of my skin, not wanting to be still, feeling closed in by walls. too much went on in 2013...for me to make sense of, make peace with and go on with clarity. Not that i have any of those things but at least now, it is good to be home/good not to be pulled. i can sit in repose. i look forward to cocktails at home, evening films, books i take forever to get through . funny i also think of not meeting people. i wake up today and wonder what has it benefiitted me the people i have met. except for a few who i would cleave to and they me, and even in those situations there are some hinges that obfuscate and prevent that...so what is the point? did you know after a certain age, meeting people is futile, you neither open up to each other as in  youth when life and years and experiences are so before you and much of nothing has destabilized your soul...and i write that and think...from twenty two i was going through with the loss of my brother. at thirteen being hit by a yellow new york city taxi and at twenty three or so running my brand new toyota corolla sport coupe under a tow truck life flashed before my eyes. that was before twentyfive when kids are still being kids. shit like that fucks up our physical auras and energy fields, vibrations to receive and maintain/ shit like that fucks up your life forever...the loss of a beloved sibling. my brother at not more than nineteen tried to run two guys off the road going up the 95 turnpike for giving me a bad drive. yelling through the window, "dont fuck with my sister"...he did not know...he was leaving me for endless dicks and ducks to fuck with me...

But JOB told me to change the narrative, bless his soul...so I am just telling you-- how it feels good not to be on the move and to be still to a point where the spirits and all know where to find you. no obstructions

i read something too about chasing dreams when in fact it is behind you. you need to sit still so it can catch up

make of this rambling all that you will
my life might be an inspirational chart possibly

have a happy

Touch Not My Anointed...2014

while i was trying to find sleep after weeks of endless limes, my brain would not rest
as i prayed to strengthen myself to find courage for the fight ahead and to vindicate myself and vanquish my enemies, i fell upon reflection, back to 2003, when University Village Michigan State University tried to evict me. And holies upon holy, the white judge refused to allow that fuckery.
not after ten years of living there, incident free, without ever being late on rent or missing a payment. He refused to enact the order. That is one of my personal life stories of  GRACE, victory, blessings and Anointing. Obviously i am encamped all around. So it hit me, this fight i am bracing for in 2014 is neither mine nor necessary...and this came to me:


  


sleep wont come . as tired as I was
but why is it that upon reaching today, 2014, do i recognize some powerful truths and connections? my brain is turning..

parents of children who wreak havoc. they are not parents
i should say people with children; for if they were parents they would have never rendered their children into demise. the sins of the father falls to them seven times seven. but the sins of the mother yields direct death. but ignorant and unreading folk would not know this...

{for every plant sand croton planted, as with that heart and intention - directly so onto your children, by name, onto their head, tying and destroying their hands. as your head/mind schemed against loves and the giving, so onto the fields of your children: their life and living. for every hand stalked to stifle so too your children breaths. and never moreso as much so as the hands of the planter, the writer of such maps, the weaver of ill: mother they would call her/ a farce shown myriad times. thirty years fallow. thirty years abandoned. thirty years rejected. but vengeful to your own incompetence projected. reflected as a mirror onto self, your children, and all those who spoke, allowed and conspired. you linked the chain. "you did what you had to do" now you all five, six, eight; reap the consequences/ silence and complacency reaps not the observers' innocence. touch not my anointed nor do my priestess prophet poet no harm}

selah
abracadabra
you create what you do
the sins of your hands fall to your children
abhadda kedhabhr
sending your sickness back to you and yours;
your seed and connections rotten and still born as thirty years avow

you hated what you could neither do, aspire to nor accomplish-
what you saw done in a month. nine months, or eleven/ was surely bitterness to your barren soul
not in thirty years past nor in thirty years to come and you shall die still sucking salt

#ancestralblessingsandcursesnotjustlands
the ground you walk upon is your children's broken curled and infirmed back

Ase! ase Ase!

--------------

that whole thing or just the parentheses will go in a card and arrive at Bon Air West
in a timing

Quiet Life

i feel i am now waking up to 2014 march and mission, as it were.
feeling my muscles.. in the last few weeks.. as if in a state of pre-rigor mortis...sprint runners would know of what i speak...when you have worked  your energy, capabilities and kinetics to the very end and last and just before they seize up..that pull. that tension, that dryness, the lack of lactaid i think to keep the muscles pliable. that is what i feel. i almost feel my body is sufficiently saturated and poisoned. yes, harsh language with me as always. not negative but an aim to be clear and intentional not just with diagnosis but to be correct with approach, response and correction...

that is the sign that i need to get cracking and moving
i really do feel i want to drastically change and shift my life.
i want to stop liming and stop liming with the people i have been in 2013.
love them to death, and they took me over, kept me company but they are neither good for me, can do nothing for me, nor can they fit into my life or i theirs. already we get followed through our  neighborhood when our only hope is to sit and chat, and share drinks, beers and plans. but that is it.

2013 was the pinnacle of sorts. the heights of the lime. just imagine eight hours spent in having a good time. and that was the lime after the beach of five hours and that was before the house lime of about one or two depending on how long you got there. who has time for that. well. i did, but do i want to persist still? no. i want to dry my body out..hydrate it to a hum. i stopped smoking. at least i have not since jan first. i only started this past year 2013 . what you do and into your circle should and must reinforce else to some extent or limit,  you are restricting or undermining yourself.

and talk of undermining. i thought one of my missions was to accept where i am fully, to stop trying and striving, just accept this extent of nothingness but it cant continue. i have managed to find acceptance and serenity but i cannot be complacent. it is neither good for my body or soul and i feel the former even if i have worked hard on the latter...so despite the plan and intention to want nothing beyond where i am, here is my needs list

I need a house. in the bush. i need to breathe clean green air. I need to get out of town, the bustle the dust and pollution.
I need to feel breeze blowing from dusk to dawn, twentyfour hours even when the doors nad windows are closed. the peak of a mountain, on a cliff, or somewheres there. i need to be close to the sea, preferably, north coast or east. or maybe even tobago, who knows
i need to get massages regularly. right now i need to go into a heavy reconstitution remedial body reformation program. i need my muscles massaged to get that acidity liquified and lymphatic draining, deep tissue stimulating/releasing. i need to find john malcolm thomas if that be his correct order of names. he comes to trinidad from tobago every weekend and is from freeport somewhere.
I need a yoga instructor and partner-- the likes of troy: intense, hard, --doing it daily-- like intense training
I need a studio to do my art. in the new year's lime, i was stunned to have family, relatives come up to me or my mom and talk about how beautiful the house, and asking inquiring about the paintings- my work...my cousin's husband told me it was stunning. leaving room for the uninitiated and ignorant--for he would not know that I am not in the art clique, the established accepted to be named or called 'artist', or having any such qualifications as the big wig male and male psyche colonialism to sit and gatekeep...I was still in awe==his response. It made me feel more than good. It made me feel like: WOW, my artwork might be more than just activity to keep busy, once upon a time. And I shall never forget Reeanna Harrilal's visit to my home and seeing my  art and telling me the "holy spirit was talking to her telling her to tell me to keep doing my art, a female ancestor or female holy spirit was guiding my hand" and it was true or had elements of truth. i paint or draw, what comes out or results is not my plan or goal. only after do i see and detect what i depicted. and there are pieces that happens to still after years of it sitting there. endless faces and forms appear. and a new thing has been happening. i will close my eyes and faces clear as day appear to me as if i am watching a video screen behind my eyelids. but that is another story. the issue here is my work as a dawdler, artist, drawer, painter...the other thing was the blind seerman from loveuntil who told me in a warehouse where he lived and did his readings that "i am to continue doing my art--it is how i am to make a living"; and when not receiving accolades about the work, people will just ask me: "am i not selling my work?" my neighbor did so on christmas day when i showed her my line of cards and poster. she just felt i was sitting idling on money not hustling. those are messages are they not? and to such a one there should be a studio, not so? I need a studio to do myself.
With the studio, I need a huge desk by a window in a room that is a library to read and write; dream and muse;

and that is what this writing is all about...documenting my mission, purpose, march - "just to do myself; to take care of myself; to plant, bloom and blossom myself"

massages
houses
studio
library writing room
green bush breeze
body hydration- detox
five morrocoys

and hopefully fertile land to plant food.
that is the mission.

there is one thing i left out that no matter how much time passes i seem to maintain my struggle to write and admit it on paper. perhaps it is the reflection that discomforts me so/ or maybe I know that one cant put it on a list, so ethereal is its occurrence, life and existence. but rumi speaks of it always...that

this reads like a quiet life doesnt it?

Everything on its Head

 
it is a new year. or so they tell us
essentially existentially there is only one new year for us individually and that is our birthday
so my new year comes up on February 6
but until then...lets construct as we are instructed, which gets me to one of my requirements maybe
1. to follow instructions

but it is a new year and i aim to reconstruct my narrative. revision it as it were. rewrite the myth and story. and where did this come from, just a glib comment from a fb friend i was liming with these past two days and he said as he listened to me and the psychoanalysis he comes up with is that of a victim and all that has been done to me. i admitted a lot has happened to me in my life. really. but i also took pause.and wondered why and how i do not expatiate on my accomplishments and successes...and i know why. i have a belief that old accomplishments are not to be laurels to rest and you are as good only to the next level not the past; plus it gets old talking about the old and the past. so why not let it be old to talk of the past bad or bad past?

nevertheless and no matter what or how i put it, i dont want to be a victim. and everything i have planned for myself in 2014 relates to being victorious

i want to reclaim the land left owner-and interet-less that i brought out from abandonment
i want to have my own home - i really thought and was dreaming that i could pull that off for this january 1. but maybe for february. who knows

everything i dont do now i want to do and everything i do now i want to stop doing
i need to pray everyday. i need to pray for victory and i need to pray to vanquish my enemies. i need to pray for protection and passage. i need to pray for my right army. i need to pray for guidance because i only seem to fall into the hands of the wicked and the beguiling. i need to pray and work toward the completion and conversion of 2013. it was prequel and setting the stage for the overtake and conquering for this year. . ranselan

i need to pray for support and mentorship and the guide to lead the way to success resounding. i envision that by mid-year

i have to accomplish ranselan
i have to accomplish getting my right and rightful amount gratuity
i have to accomplish a house

by August 2014
and then it will be too late. i want a house by now

it is the year of the horse - time to gallop and everything flipped on its head, everything new and different

there are people i want to forget: mona/turu/case
situations i want to rectify: case
deeds i want to accomplish; ownership/home/gratuity/land
behaviors i want to stop or alter: smoking/drinking/eating non raw and vegan
behaviors and character traits i want to develop: kindness/compassion/athleticism
just think of the now new and future. nothing in the past


no woundedness