Courage, Cowardice and Bravery

i woke up from a night of wretched coughing...the last day i am sure of a five day cold. i get the same cold repeatedly, for years.

i only sleep in the early morning, after seven. so when i began to stir, i thought of my wishneed for regular body deep tissue massages and stretches, if not reiki. i think of the men i tried to get that from. both professionals, an indian guy in trinidad and a red guy in tobago. both of whom i ended up having personal relations/ it then led me down a path in general, where i began to think of men's hands. I always have. my father has big capable healing hands . i knew he used to massage my mother. i know somehow for me i connect a relationship with massages. healing, therapeutic , restorative. a relationship to me is not just presentation nor superficial. it is a function of high purpose.

but those thoughts led me further..i thought of what i see and experience. the games for sure, but more than anything cowardice, the lack of bravery, and really and truly you cant have the latter if you are not all there in one place and space, and if you are not playing games , and if you are not serious. and if you are not all gathered together, having done the most minimal of work as a self actualized individual. but i then thought, I want to explore this topic of courage, cowardice and bravery. i want to have a conference on it.

it then led me to think how much males and men fraid fire, cause that is the stuff of which i appear most visible. then i thought, it is a fluke that trinidad have any firemen at all. so men fraid fire here. too much real, too much realism, too much intensity,  too much boldness.

years now I know..knew; came to the realization that the man i am to be with is to be a curandero. it almost seems so crystal clear as if written down somewhere, apart from my hands and books.

i write that and then i think of the spiritual mother sister I tried to adopt in central, a lady my father sent me to, and just before the time the syrian psychic trained me in reiki and gave me the reading to help my brother, it was to take him to the light and rest, after being deceased but not dead and resting for twenty three years..and I asked her to accompany me. She refused. My father's wife, a woman nine years younger than me she declined and told me when you do that they can come for you. I considered all of that cowardice. for when you have work to do you have work to do, do you claim excuses? when you have a calling in life and you are doing your life work, even if accidents happen, do you shirk your steps? so that is what i learned of mother. she did something once, and it went wrong and she never there ventured again. and that to me is all proof of how i see such spiritualists here...if you are for real, there is your limit. and to me if you are for real, there is no limit, you just have to do your work and be sharp, strategic and awake to survive. so perhaps it is women too who are not brave, of courage.

and it comes up in a lot of ways. do you have the courage to be different? to not be a baby mama. to do without rather than to take whatever is offered? to walk your path fearlessly even among constant jeers, to try the untried to fix the country even? especially when it would seem like it is futile. perhaps too there are spaces where I am not brave. I will put my life on the line, but not for people who could care less about my efforts/ or those who would not even come to my funeral...so i diverted but it was to show, bravery and courage is a universally individual thing...you need it for every area, sphere and locale of your life.

one of the biggest and bravest thing a person can do is not make an enemy of someone who challenges them, their ideas of themselves, or the work they attempt. that to me is the biggest sign of weakness and cowardice. waves a rose. braveboy is such an amazing last name here in the caribbean

Cross Of Critiquing

• Shawn Nickolas Seecharan: "I must say I really do enjoy your unbiased and very informative posts keep up the great work of being transparent no matter who done it wrong will always be wrong I look forward to your future posts "
  

  
  
• Maven Huggins: " thanks Shawn. I really appreciate that. know how many 'friends' i have lost. how many now hate me, how maligned I am for being straight down the middle?
  
  and i may have another five years of hardship and unemployment because of it.
  
  But i dont know how to be a liar, i dont do dissonance, and i happen to see how things could be different. smh
  
  sigh. so difficult eh. so your comment means a lot!"

  
  
• Shawn Nickolas Seecharan: "To thy own self be true " dont expect your views ,opinions ,observations ,cares,concerns or convictions to be respected by everyone it's pretty obvious your gonna rub some ppl the wrong way but this is based on how they interpret the information before them it has nothing to do with you so my advice is you do your do and have no fear friends come and go it's life your gonna do just fine without the bias ones just forget them but remember there are a few if us more than u think who actually hold the truth and accountability in high esteems I respect personal opinions from all spectrums once it's making sense and you my friend do make a shitload of sense lol so let not your heart be troubled my friend you will

  
  
• Maven Huggins:  thanks for the blessing !

HIghLife Friends

because of my conversation last night with mature malemen,
i wake up this morning knowing something I never before recognized, said to myself or even came close to surmising:

that given the things I did and the places I been, and the stages and activity I accomplished, had i been male, I would probably have been a big global professional at this point.

yesterday was my friend's sixty two birthday, and owing to the brilliant smart friends I have, our limes are stimulating. effortlessly turn so. he lives next door to a footballer. we were across the grounds from the savannah where the football club plays every sunday afternoon into evening, which most times turns into a serious lime> pot always bubbling, or food catered in and one of the members is a bar owner.

so i thought it would be natural for him to play and waiting for him to tell me he is too old to tell him at least half the men are at his age group. but he opens to tell me he did play football in secondary school and at form 5 he was to make a goal, but instead, his sneaker flipped off and into straight up int eh sky and the ball when awry. no goal. and in front of some big regional game. he said the embarrassment he never got over and said he never wanted to see a football after that.

I was struck by that story. cause it immediately made me think, he needed to have gotten over the hump. to keep playing. keep doing whatever it is you do when you tanked or floored. you never stop there. is what i knew and my natural inclination. but it got more curious. i started to ask myself what embarrassing moment have i had in life, or a litany of them, and i could not think of a one. I ran track and never tanked . i rigored once in a first time 400 metres but I still finished, and i am not sure now anyone outside my team and coach knew that i was struggling, or maybe the thought i was lame but i never knew it. I was in a school play, the wizard of oz, playing the witch and nothing untoward happened. I think the only embarrassing things that could be said all happened in trinidad, but i was not embarrassed. which is the thing: it made me wonder have i no embarrassment bone?

so after our friend tells us his story, he asks us...and then my next friend talks of being on a date, at a restaurant, and having no money and how he snuck out to go and come back. and i was amused. that has happened to me so many times because I have always gone to restaurants as normal activity. and either the card wont work, or you forgot to load up on cash, or you took the wrong bag, etc. whatever. I calmly go to the  owner operator and explain, give contacts. tell them i will return and everything is alright in the world. you know between the united states, and trinidad, for fifteen years. you know the first time there was ever such a problem with such was in trinidad. at the hilton. where they being so grimy, had a serious problem with that incident. to the point where the head of security, an indian guy told and admitted to me the way it was handled was completely wrong and unnecessary. related too is an incident at hyatt, where because I worked in the towers I was there regularly and knew much of the ground staff. never had a problem from 2011...until this year. so it is interesting, i can state unequivocally among the most international of establishments here in trinidad, a growing gross and heaviness with how they handled this particular problem. . i actually forgot to mention this last night. did not even think of it really...

 but the reason for this post is that the questions continued. b asked, "what was a time where you felt like a star?" and his was going over for the grenadian revolution to drum for some event and upon returning to trinidad how his host came to pick him up in some fancy procession and vehicle as if he was a head of state and that the police army defense ran in front the vehicle clearing the road for the car on the way to the airport. I was twittered .

then my other friend spoke of how he was at cannes. liming with a crew. there was some big algerian fashion show, he was invited but wasnt going. somebody mentioned it, so the crew went., but get to the door and it is ram crammed with people trying to get in, so he decides not to proceed, and begins leaving. only to hear some big commotion and calling from the top of the line, making wild hand calls for him to return, clapping to get his attention, he refuses, they get more insistent and wild....so he gets to the front of the line and says in french :" the artist must be at the show" and proceeds to sit him and his crew at the front line of the walk.

i felt impressed, not by them but for me to have friends of such  illustrious major events and celebrations!

anyway, when they came to me to answer, I shared with them how i refused to let tuskegee refuse me for graduate school. and explained that i pledged a sorority after my first semester at college, where i did great my first term, off to a great start. but instead of continuing growing up i became something of a party girl and if not that, a laggard. i did the base amount of work, no effort, just enough not to fail which was nothing at all. and had the nerve after i graduated to try and go into vet and graduate school. the gall of some people. but it was funny, i felt as though graduate school was a way to transcend dead end jobs and then i was not even doing that badly, I was a program coordinator of boys and girls club delaware. at twenty two?! I Now realize my life has probably suffered too because I was never satisfied. always hungry. always wanted more. always pursued what was more grand. first time for this revelation too. makes my perception more confirmation...that is the energy , vibration, and intention of men...to want more, to keep striving, to go to the next level. never satisfied. well because of my poor grades of 2.3 cum, tuskegee was not having me. and i did something then that i know I dont have energy, interest or ability to do anymore: i begged, I was relentless. I was unretiring. I never gave up. I called those people nonstop, all offices I could find. mind you I was in delaware. the school was in alabama. that happened until they gave me a provisional. I was on probation. I ended up working my ass off, getting a working scholarship and graduated with a 4.0.

when i told my friends this story last night they made fun and said, their stories are not nearly as grand  and impressive.  it is what made me recognize this morning, that had i done the same things as a male, there is no way more recognition, returns and accolades as well as never ending opportunities would not have come my way. but i was the wrong gender. and the wrong energy/

it is like people felt compelled to clip my wings than let me fly

i realize this can be such an amazing game to play cause more stations in life comes to me...like being selected to be the representative of my field, agricultural economics, at capitol hill in like 1998 or so, a first time post, first time created entity. and it was an advisor who killed that for me. out of a national search, I was called.

you think my story lightweight, it aint.
i dont even get to revel in the highpoints i hit, cause i was never allowed for it to take off. just a series of  heights.

anyway.
maybe one day i will get the answers

reminds me of yesterday or last night, i wanted to tell my mother, if when she dies, she gains insights and powers to know, see and understand things, please find a way to convey the revelations and instructions to me, but felt it would not go over to well. and it is like telling someone of light they do not yet perceive, as  they are used to candle...and you know when you carry a candle its light flickers and diffuses, as well as lose effect and magnitude.

i gone.

Eleven Eleven

Across The Kings River

"A door that slams shut doesn't mean you've been blocked spiritually. Nor does it means you've been defeated. Sometimes it means that you are being protected by ancestors and spirit guides. You have no idea what was waiting for you on the other side. Look, if you ask for guidance you're going to get guidance. But guidance doesn't mean things should go as you wish. Spiritual guidance is about growth, wisdom, and yes, sometimes hardship. Be patient; be diligent; be faithful; be strong; accept the guidance that you've been praying for."

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11:11pm Saturday September 19, 2015


damn.
there are no accidents.
i shut down. see the time 11:11
decided to document it
come back on and just setting up my browser for next session and the words of this pic are on my screen.
and just this evening i got the sense that i am again being protected from being too close to people offering work, or some livelihood I was reaching for, but for some reason, things not falling into place.

i used to ask for nothing but guidance. i know i am heavily protected
much to the chagrin of many about me.
provided for in ways that blow the mind.
my story of life does not fit anybody's mental positioning of possibility
for that i am learning i need to stop sharing , talking and answering. I need to find creative answers for the ready questions that come my way, and oh so much rumor and malignment because my chart is so unique. reinforced by my name, appearance, status, and condition/
i am only now settling in to an acceptance never before known for this current dispensation. a sanguine resolution of humility and grace.
amazing.
i give abundant thanks for the unfolding of things.
i ask the universe for even greater guidance, answers and protections
it is getting wild out here
more strength and a wider back
sturdy graceful temperament to remember all encounters have nothing to do with me and everything to do with the trials and trauma of that co=encounter.
11:21 09-19-2015

==============

11:11 am Sunday September 20, 2015

 

it has been an interesting twelve hours

when i was powering down last night, i came back on because the time clock read 11:11. then to post it, i saw a magnificent post and message that i had to share and repost. i wrote a bit on being settled and in full acceptance, and had ceased the reaching/ and i also beseeched the universe for guidance and continued protection. and then the night began

i watched a little bit of chris rock on snl repeat. he and i went to the same high school together. i thought of my first major error of life that he knew to avoid: leaving new york, going to college, not just starting life. to hell with the education

then the first commercial took over long so i switched off and nestled into sleep. and like seemingly right away, shit started happening.

i somehow landed in some dimension between wakefulness and sleep, exactly in the middle, where it seemed i was given one job. one mission: to survive, attend and make it past a wedding. but as the morning arrived I felt as though that wedding might in fact be a funeral. Now i was given no sign or indication whose wedding, where or how. but by one o'clock or a bit before, I jumped out of deep sleep as if I was to run and do something. only for me to realize 'there is no place to run" [you reading that? read it again] and nothing for me to do, but just settle down and in, return to sleep. but the intensity, the notion of a mission, the awareness in sleep that makes me rise and wake up. doesnt that seem odd and counter-intuitive? as if the dream is real, not a dream.

and continue dreaming I did. the only part i remember now is to ask why do weird people just jump into my psyche and reality out of no where no context? darren benbow was in my dream last night. seems we were staying in the same apartment complex/ and like he was banished and getting a divorce for beating his wife but it was all in couched and hushed language but many of us gathered for some scene and complaint. i remember his face clear as day.\\

my sleep was fairly fitful until like around 5am or six, then i slipped into calm deep slumber until 10:45 where I laid until it was 11:07 when i switched the tv on and 11:11 the computer

this writing seems lame and plain, but my night was anything but

i was repeating notes, lessons and wisdoms. i wont get it as eloquently as it came to me, but this message of there is no pure one. people are both beasts and angels, equally. will love you today and murder you tomorrow

i saw some man in a suit who would help me. that everything I used to want will indeed happen. that all this time and desert experience happened because I was too arrogant and prideful, believing myself to be undefeatable. so i had to learn humility. the man who will help me will not seek to take advantage of me in any way shape or form but provide opportunities and doors for me in full regalia and just due, if not with a little extra. i saw too that all where i am and who i am around is not to be. there is no belonging there. faux and ill matches/ but, it is for its time and purpose.

it was weird cause while i slept i was very much aware of the depth of slumber and its marathon hours, eleven hours! then to power down and power up both at 11:11 with no effort to do so.

what is it about September 19-20?

Messenger Messages

Denize Sarikoz:

"There could be people around you with low frequency where you seem to be more higher conscious, open minded, more classy, less materialist, and more giving. Do not dim your light if you face with their unconscious-ness by self-judge-ment, do not react to their own mind controlling. Even, if your close family seem to attack you and suck your light; focus on your own growing process and stay neutral when their mind keep a drama circle. Everyone shows their own quality, and receives back what they send out as energy. You are not a victim to your surrounding. Your light is too bright for their unconscious so don't let them lower your frequency. Sometimes we learn the best from these type people and lessons to stand on strong & bright on our own feet. It doesn't mean we have to be fearful about being lost in the future, past and time to focus and hang onto the money, and getting somewhere in life with focusing having material stuff. Don't let anything dim your light just because they can't find their light on their own. Stand strong and believe that, even this people see you as something is wrong with you; they are the ones who is lost to find the higher call. Focus on your growing light, joy and create the dream life that you deserve. Let life show them, what you catch and acknowledge as your growing light is the foundation of true happiness. Your joy and shining light are the vehicle of your amazing life and soul journey. Dont ever dim your light. ♥♡♥♡ xox D"

Chronicles, Identities and Stories

just when the evening was supposed to be wining down, i found myself giving therapy and counseling support in the back of a flat bed with an old white woman who i never knew existed in my neighborhood and a young red chick suffering deeply from ptsd and surviving emotional abuse from her mother. to hear the talk./ about her digging a grave for her mother. she was wild. cause she was speaking her heart the whole time but not hearing herself, denying her truths and skewing her experiences or the feelings from those experiences. and w e were all hearing it but not her. and in the support she felt we were attacking her. she felt we were telling her to have a relationship with her mother and NO ONE of three of us ever said such a thing. imagine. bizzaro. but the white lady ended up asking me "where you come out from?" and the way she speaks, slow and soft and petite. and kept holding my hands speaking of soul connections. she was and is clearly a woman aged, suffering some mental age related incapacity: short term memory loss, and telling us how her children lock her up and in, and refuse to let her walk, so despite there being cars, she asked to walk home. and then we heard how police rush her son and her and took him to jail seeing him white woman. i could not comprehend

and when one does not drink much alcohol, one can stay up real late.

it was like 6am when i went to sleep after reaching home at 4am.

where to start.

i learned that two young men seemed to have gotten killed at the exact same time and hour on independence morning, one in barataria, one in belmont and my friend from zimbabwe was disturbed at the very hour these events were occurring, him feeling it so strongly, he got up and walked outside to try and ward the feeling away. one man got nineteen bullets, the other thirteen. and he too saying, "there are no accidents"

our conversation was only interrupted by the son of a wretched bar operator who himself was so jubilant, effervescent, passionate and excited about some graphic design course and walking around with his sketchpad and talking about his lecturer, his art, and the philosophy behind his design. He was quite infectious and engaging if not a bit socially off rendered. for he came to sit at our table as if we both werent present and involved in a deep discussion, he just plop and started talking his life and agenda. but he was so cute and happy I could not help but not be upset for the lost closure of a very interesting exchange with my zimbabwean

something odd too, an elder man in my neighborhood has taken to buying me beers in multiples, leaving it at the bar, and last evening, he called me to him on my way and gave me $20, "to buy my beers" all because he saw someone offer me a beer once by calling out to me: "Rasta you want a beer?" He felt it disrespectful. I had to explain to him when you out on the street, at the bar, is only beasts and demons and one must be prepared for such behavior..

not knowing the evening would proceed further along the track of interesting

pissing off a kenyan doctor who apparently felt as though no mere woman should be able to tell him anything about his field after he boldin myface lied when I asked him if he was in medicine so I would have some modicum to file the shit he wanted to tell me. when i would not allow the conversation to proceed after he says to me "i am in the field I know" i was like zrrrrooooppppK...wait. did i not just ask you if you were in the field and you said no? and i asked it like five times. to which he grabs his beer and storms off. he got called out looking stupid and could not take it, quite apart from spouting bs about women and infants dying because there are things outside of people;s control. as I write, I realize how dangerously misogynistic might be the establishment and its operators and administrators to people and really, the least of these: women and children/ that has to be a big part of what we are seeing./ meanwhile, i and the other doctor fully agree that was some serious malpractice that killed kelane on the birthing table. she was not being monitored for the first thing and we are not sure if the tubes punctured her lungs or esophagus or what in administration. then i was shocked to hear how common it is for the establishment to put women completely under for a c=section. i have some research to do but the point that moussa also tried to make to me is that the medical system here leans toward the medical system with electronics, machinery, tests, mris and scans and cant read the reports. which is very different from what i know and see. is only rich people who pay for those services. regular people are usually not so afforded in care. then he said that there is no supervision in hospitals, all the seniors are out making money in private practice and the juniors are left on their own. then both medmen spoke that the predominant people in medicine are indians and they are in it for status and money not for caring for people or their health. it was amazing to me to hear it cause all and all, seemed like ti was all validation of what courtney bartholomew tried to tell the country eleven and twelve years ago/ it was also said that these doctors receive no practical training whatsoever. and that was not the language used but that stunned the shit out of me if it is true.. NO practicals? just books? we not making doctors then. now i know now what has and is happening. . a scary prospect. and who is going to launch an investigation into medicine in trinidad as a practice of health and living on humans?

then i met three boating yachtmen from st vincent who work on petit vincent in some exclusive resort they were telling me, down here for maintenance:

ephraim and glenroy, and their host, cj

just when the evening was supposed to be wining down, i found myself giving therapy and counseling support in the back of a flat bed with an old white woman who i never knew existed in my neighborhood and a young red chick suffering deeply from ptsd and surviving emotional abuse from her mother. to hear the talk./ about her digging a grave for her mother. she was wild. cause she was speaking her heart the whole time but not hearing herself, denying her truths and skewing her experiences or the feelings from those experiences. and w e were all hearing it but not her. and in the support she felt we were attacking her. she felt we were telling her to have a relationship with her mother and NO ONE of three of us ever said such a thing. imagine. bizzaro. but the white lady ended up asking me "where you come out from?" "how do you know what you know?:": telling the younger girl to listen to me and then telling me i have a good spirit and soul. and the way she speaks, slow and soft. and kept holding my hands speaking of soul connections. she was and is clearly a woman aged, suffering some mental age related incapacity: short term memory loss, and telling us how her children lock her up and in, and refuse to let her walk, so despite there being cars, she asked to walk home. and then we heard how police rush her son and her and took him to jail seeing him white woman. i could not comprehend/ but she was a sweet person

and still an hour before i get home, where i had to act like a mad woman in the gaza to ward off the crazy trying to take my drink of gingerale in a cup

anthropological chronicles in ethnographic identities and stories

Morning Birdsong

good morning
in the last four to three years, I have had very interesting and peculiar experiences with birds.

the first, was a small brown symphonic bird kept trying to get into my salon every morning. picking at the wood board that blocked off the frets and jalousies for ac. i used to get up and bang on it to have her stop. i presume she was also trying to build a nest perhaps. well after this dance of ours for a few weeks...the one day i did it. she flew to the garage cover opposite, just a mere three to four feet away at my eye view and proceeded to cuss me out, dancing, wings afloat and akimbo, carrying on like a fisher market woman. I swear. I wrote about it at the time. my cousin and i and some other people tried to muse as to what and who spirit that could have been.

then when i was farming san rafael, a corbeaux landed and the dogs was toying with it, we only discovered it because of a few loose feathers as we went to clean up before nightfall. chase caught it. we put it in the tray of the truck, we thought it a baby as it was kind of passive, not attacking, but it was clearly not its full self. I called around for a vet or sanctuary to take it. it was too late so we tried to secure it in a box up high but when we returned the next day, it was gone. flown on.

well now...i just wake up after going to bed close to seven...i emerge from my salon and hear this very long song as if it is in the house...walked to the patio, not there, to the gallery, it was there. this tiny bird on the rail, singing her heart out, i thought it looked like she wanted to nest in the bowl of cactus that has a perfectly formed circle for a bird to build. by the time i made my coffee, i hear her again, but different. this time she is at the carport door singing, and displaying. I videotaped it. you all should keep it for whenever you want to be lifted up by one of the smallest of creatures. she flew away when  mom returns.

arent we lucky and blessed to receive such blessings and then to capture on film. my gift to all of you.

Refugee: Movement of IS People

eerie scenes for sure : to see the march of refugees through dried fall corn fields, walking a dirt track, just as the reporter talks of water canons that met them at another border.

the oddity of it all for me is that i just woke up and was pondering a few things; recent meetings, the last person who wanted me to do her academic program under Academic Outsourcing/ (and as I write, a song bird begins to symphony outside the closed blinds, open windows, heard chirping in clarity above the din of the fan and dehumidifier..in variation of tones, songs and notes eh. real symphony)...i think of monday night when a friend asked me if I was distant from my professional friends and network I came up and schooled with because of my situation (unemployment, destitution, outside the margins...) and i said yes. but it is this morning waking up the idea hits me thinking too of my life and reality here in trinidad , at the bottom, at the grassroots, at the neighborhood level, where too I am so different, wrongly placed, having not one identity match; no one to relate to my life, thoughts or experiences...i realize, i am a refugee. not to make light of the world or the word at all, in any regard/ and what is on tv bbc as i turn it on with this idea...the march through the dried corn field.

it made me cry
messages, symbolism and poignancy

i then had a flash of comparison and muse-- wondering what would be the reality if these people were africans. where would they have reached? what would have been their condition. but i have to tell you the stunning part to me is the level of ability and for lack of a better word: Poverty...Africans would not have been able to mobilize the mass displacement that is this Muslim Middle East Displacement. they would not have been able to garner the resources to transport them, and over such grand countries, expansive distances.

it is amazing to me too though because as much as we see these european countries trying with their lame acts, it should be understood and reflected that largely, europe is doing absolutely nothing. there is something funny and amusing about this.. think about it. massive amounts of foreigners are just marching over land regardless of sea, land, borders, authorities, tickets or money. they just moving. the mettle boggles my mind. something deeply inspirational, so much so though it is overlooked
it is like being so low, folk are completely blind to how great you must be to so conduct. that too reinforces something i know. an experience and life reality.

***funny enough: Lisle Dorcet of Bbc is recounting the same observation: the extraordinary things people are willing to do to get to a better life..

good morning midday wednesday

Monday Morning Mine

i wonder if they think it is narcissism when i write about food, drinks, conversations odd and interesting if not shocking, or my sleep...it is all the simple things in life. that is all i have. it is my celebration of being so blessed: a great appetite, wonderful sleep, a body that works great,. i have no extras. i have no luxuries. but on the bottom and at the simple, i am wealthy beyond measure. and apart from that, walking the road, people think i am rich, which really amuses me but i no longer spend time trying to process it. i hear it is because it is obviously clear that i take care of my self, and well. and that i am 'civilized'. yes. someone actually told me that recently. i gather the educated part plays a role. but i woke up amazed at the sleep i had last night. ten hours, one break and not a long intervening time in between to return to sleep.

i wake up thanking smee kevon. i feel his end is also the end of my tia experience. it is time to shut that down. i wonder if i am right and accurate. even if i go back out there, it wont be as before. it will be in the pick up, and even as I vow to stop, avert and rewrite how i socialize, i still insist on the pickup as the ultimate trini liming vegetable (lol) vehicle. A ready gallery, patio, restaurant and bar..

right before i  went to sleep i discovered my family reunion had a boat ride and because i have not participated in the page, nor do i keep up, and no one even who i live with mentioned it to me, not even asking if i was attending or that they were..i saw all the pictures. and it cemented something for me. i realize it was a reality not for me to be there. the $150 tag i would have kept the money for otherwise, and to show to have that money in front my mother, it would have opened up dynamics, so it is like it could not be avoided. but it is the family treachery that just amuses me.

when one ponders where and how i started out from and where and how things are today, they would surely be surprised and shocked. from the golden first grandgirl child, preferred and privileged...to being outside, withdrawn...and it was all me. but suffering for employment and having members creating obstacles for me to get work when outside people offer, and to refuse me access to land and empty buildings to refurbish and build up into business and income generation when i asked to build an elegant three level highrise in the back yard, amidst the mango trees canopies, to rent. i could not contend at that point. I cant do that. my bad. my error. my limitations. but that level of dissonance, lack of support under an extreme of life conditions and no one is budging. fine. time for me to move. them is not my people. but i am lucky and blessed enough that my shelter has been maintained. barely at times. on the brink many more, and if it were for marjorie, would be non existent.

so i wake perusing all these seemingly unrelated factors knowing it is time for a shift to happen today. i give thanks for the simple things that got me to today

Relations of Varying Orders

what was relationship post number one

family life. real family life of togetherness, function and same agenda, programming and missions, with vision
hear nah.
i can not tell you the amount of man i hear complaining about woman, their woman, or wife. i sat down at a table yesterday and hear a man take a call from his wife, he is not even my friend or associate, from his wife, he left her home to make macaroni pie and callaloo to eat with chicken that was already there. madam call him to tell him, "his chile want to talk to him" and chile tell him when he ask if she eat, she said, 'sandwich" . if i tell you how that man whole demeanor and energy change. sour. and talking to his boy that his life is ...work, his boys, this one that one and then she last, cause he so fed up and how her two sisters had warned him/ LISTEn> HEAR NAH!!
as a single woman i does be amazed. cause i dont know what you fuckers looking for, that you get and you cant handle or close. but it good for your ass. you does leave the modest ones who dont have ass and bust hanging out, all skin showing, twerking and wining, but us who cool, quiet, old school grandmas who can heal anything you want to call us obeah and spiritual baptist, and leave us languishing. but truth is you have nothing for me and us so. and I dont know another soul like that.
when he went for a drink I turn and talk to his friend, my associate and told him that shit does kill me. Man tell me he has zero friend who does not complain about their woman./
I good. I fkg good sucking salt. i done make out the scene. man want to feel good and high but want to deliver zero nothing for it. want to spin a woman but let her ask him to bring a plate of food and his retort is "dont start" wha.
you all get what you deserve. as in politics. as home. as life. as love. or not.
eat what you put on the table
and in case you miss my point..this man with his colored hair, painted nails, and gender pushing boundaries probably have the ideal that most cant even conceive cause they have neither the tools, abilities or character to run to responsibility. just away.
selah. mfrs.. on both sides.
trifling ass women and bitch men.
yeah. it bitter/ this night
first night breeze blow in a long while
more fuel to the fire...that beautiful Kevon Smith we buried today... sat at a table only to hear his boys,..one of them mentioning how all the whole staff turned out for his funeral. man working gender and youth affairs eh...and man make mention how all them women from work crying. you know the next man say, "is because he was fkg all of them"....i just slowly turned my head to them and open my eye wide.
i living in a totally different universe.
this man who everybody talking about he and his girlfriend the lawyer.
;listen women. if you ever think your man, husband, boyfriend, lover is with you and you alone. Yuh Dunce for Spite . and cause. no matter how doting and perfect he appears. being out here single this long...allows you to see.. you both get corrupted and really wise for what you are privy to, rather than secluded to and in your own dream world and life
{sorry cheewah...that all of this came out of your idyllic, nothing here is inference to you my friend... just me recalling my life observations|

[Darren Trinity Cheewah: "So I'll just come out and say it my wife voted for UNC k, you could imagine living with me PNM to meh bone, very outspoken, 100% hardlocal ponging out de ‪#‎fullcorbeaux‬. She even said should I unfriend you too lol, but today I'm papering books and she's cooking lunch for tomorrow, just like the country we hadda live, we do it in love... Red and yellow makes orange lol"]

relationship post no 2
amazed to the extent the culture of trinidad is children
of unmarried parents and myriad children father and mothers

grandfather of deceased has nine children with six women
and even when they are married, like my father, my grandfather, there are still outside children and all around the same age as their marriage children.
very interesting
and you see my point of why women ought not be delusion about being the sole partner of their men, husbands, lovers and boyfriends. and you know I did not think of that as proof to my observations before it just hit me. i am not wrong. the children prove it
‪#‎infidelityisthenorm‬

relationship realities # 3
people often really do not have relationships but situationships
not matter. even , despite, how close your life appears to be:
perhaps you live together, always lime together,
the right situation will alert you to the chasm and gaping hole volcano waiitng to erupt..

so i learned
my friend and his girlfriend, of over a year minimum
at the death of cousin, the execution on independence
that she has never been introduced to the family
"you did not notice i am always outside"
my mouth would have dropped if i was slack
then at the funeral
i realize in my sleep something heavy went down
and i was so in my own world, I was not monitoring dynamics, observing or knowing what i observed...but girlfriend and boyfriend were never seen together by me. and all after the funeral , and i was at the back and not seeing the family scenes in front to know who sat where, but to the cemetery, the hours spent at the cemetery bar and the home gathering, is where i noticed girlfriend was no where to be seen
there is a theme writing.
nothing is really as it seems
and only when you get inside and know the facts, will you know there is nothing there at all/ nothing beyond people's convenience and survival.

MisReading WIll Be The Death Of You

it is a high price to pay if you underestimate, misjudge the character and incorrectly assess the blood and belly of the natives. you may well think they are people like yourself but may well learn they are beasts of varying degrees and ugly natures.

after five years i wake up asking myself for the first time ever, {is it any wonder kamla would not hire me personally after i refused her twice entreaty to speak on her platform back then. i thought nothing of it this whole time. but this morning i ask myself if am crazy. for the most consistent ugly dark character trait and train of the trini is vindictiveness. of all kinds and degrees.

then i think back to my last contract job and feeling i had the mettle, the nerve, qualifications and experience not to take idle work from insipid people even if they are my senior, the deputy permanent secretary, i forget his name but see his face was such an insipid waste.and i thought you dare give me busy work, such was the lack of my performa after my boss retired, but you see, he largely left me in charge of my little unit of juniors where we wrote new policies for transportation, environment, traffic, redesigning port of spain. that man's name will come to me. but after i left, is it any wonder of the treachery that ensued: >>> refusing to hire me with bhoe, bhoe listening to them, me refusing to take an idb project to be on the three person team to diversify the economy. why? cause i was the last one hired, though the most senior , experienced and centrally located -- meaning, the other two, were males, a junior indian i trained, whose papers I used to edit and correct. and the head, a political appointee, some foreigner, i presume indian with englicized name...i spoke to him on the phone never met him. the lead to the economic diversification team and committee was an chemist, and when i asked him how and what was his connection to diversification and economy, he tells me this lame bullshit about he does work in developing entrepreneurship. but on that idb project, my contract stipulated that the work was not my ownership and that i could not publish. I was appalled. for a project like that. with the potential to be so ground breaking and having great relevance to publish and circulate globally. well i was just a troublemaker then. but it was me who was the real work horse on that three person team. taking stands here is not for the glib of heart. is highly costly, and a thing you may never spring back from. it is why people sit tight, shut mouth, smile and lie. they have to survive.

the third story i thin about this morning regarding incorrectly estimating the trini character regards jonathan stone, lincoln douglas right hand who he burnt and flicked away like a snat. i knew this people long before politics and government. stayed in stone's house in tobago. left a suitcase of my clothes cause i traveled so regular. big mistake. when things started to go sour, i never went back. douglas refused to bring it back for me. what does stone do? let his daughter have access to my clothing: my linens, my cargo pants, my Red Carter​ designer african swimsuit and host of other clothing. but in this case, believe it or not, I agree with that reading danielle and others gave me a week or so ago, i dont take up for myself enough. some will never believe as they see me as so formidable. but i wake up thinking of this smorgasbord  of experiences.

and this by no means is the list. i have a whole scroll of misreading natives..from bon air, to port of spain, to san rafael, to  sando to moruga...like i would never ever have expected my father to disinherit me by putting his holdings, businesses and properties into his new wife name, a woman nine or more years younger than me and the one my mother hired to work in their store. that woman spoke to me of her planned treachery and said when she saw and met my father she decided she wanted him, and so she set about making that happen.

#thenatives

 more than all of this, what has already happened, I realize the track this sets and the almost impossibility to reverse, especially when on spends one;s time pointing out the errors and lacklustre of the norm...sigh

be prepared for what they send you for

Livelihood Seeking

i wake up to be about the business

and what greets me at the top of my page...

one of mine, the least used and serviced, and the irony and wonder

why is not so challenging to figure out

Unemployed/Livelihood Seeking Trinidad Tobago

i now realize this is a badly worded title.

but it is poignant it stares me in my face upon waking..this morning

i wake up prepared to rumble the process

to again purse and pursue self directed activity, enterprise, entrepreneurship

and i am flooded with thoughts

i was first met with the realization that i think folk are intimidated by me.

a friend suggested to a daughter of a kind to let me run her stationery store as she is looking for someone . small money. but i can do there what i do at home all day and make shop change, do art, internet. Her response was she could not dare ask me to do that. but if one is willing, makes entreaties to support you, and you still refuse them, something else is going on. either your concern that you cant and wont have a typical employee to mistreat and disrespect or you are unwilling to be seen and engaged? or something I cant figure out that is outside my realm that i label as intimidated. this is just me admitting that there is something always odd about my dynamics with others. and yes it is me, but it is just that i am not like every other.. not simple. not simpleminded. i sit around people and hear their conversations and i am forced to be silent cause i have nothing to add: foolish talk of laughter and cackles, people talking about other people. the things i talk about i see they have no interest, walk away, they go silent. it is fascinating. I will talk about my business ideas and dreams, the issues in the landscape like tstt, flow, cable thievery, citizen action like suits and effective occupation of land, abandoned houses, collective economics. how black people cant do a thing for each other, except destroy and fight down.

me and a mutual talking about a demon we know and i mention she had stolen my phone, and someone whom i did not tell that tidbit to but who knows my phone is gone, said to me, "how everybody always doing something to you?" and this after the evening before she walked me home with two sisters saying, "let me make sure you safe and nobody eh follow you home cause you know you have a lot of fans" and i marveled how people's talk, heart and mind shifts here by the hour. i was put off to hear her say that but it gave me pause, made me thinking, told me to keep my mouth shut and not talk of what most cant understand or process. but it gave me a bigger insight. I realized here in Trinidad, when people like you, they fuck you up and torment you. they dont know how to process the love and affinity they have for you so they either want to be you, hate you, malign you, want to fk and consume you, talk about you and swing between love and hate for you. that is the model..

i realize also this morning that i stopped writing since aug 10. dont know how i did not realize it. my last photo card on the desk is so dated. likewise my blog was similarly dated at the 13th. until i posted some ideas on Independence on the 31st.

and yet still, i have got to make it through and access my power despite all this enmity...because i speak the truth. one young guy seemed to get mad at me the other night cause i stated, 'who is out here to cover my back?" man walk away yes. but folk do fantasy lives and lies here. and will hate you if you dare to speak the truth of our collective dejection.

anyway...moving on

die trying to build that empire

 

Unemployed/Livelihood Seeking Trinidad Tobago