Outlining Your Cons and Red Flags

In four months and exactly two weeks,

I have seen the following:

1.. Wild dreams, delusions, dreams, visions, and fantasies that you engaged, allowed, participated, did not stop, nor caution or insist on any limitations whatsoever. from a life of travel, to a life of free work,  to wild income, to promises of "well taken care of"

2. You say one thing and in some time in the future you will entirely contradict, remove or reverse what was said, offered, or discussed, and no mention or prelude to admit such a change is required or has taken place.

3. Two ex wives. Two divorces. Two failed marriages.

4. One ex wife who expresses in court that she is "sworn to destroy you and states it into public and court records"

5. Two children: sons, who appear to be growing as wild as weeds, and worse yet, to be developmentally challenged. one appearing deaf or hard of hearing the other appearing to be autistic, and you presenting as if this is all news for you; that their behavior patterns are done to annoy you...like when the autistic bangs on the plastic container constantly throughout a face time phone call...

You are clearly an absent and incompetent parent.
Their mother seems also to have washed her hands, be brainless, or checked out
The lot of you, however, together, present a scary picture nonetheless

6. You seem to have zero family life with your boys: no play time, no outings. no sit down meals, no sunday dinners. just no relationship with your boys at all

7. When you told me that you think your boy or boys were possessed

8. The failure of the Academy to be on a planned schedule. The hiring of a failed and scamming project contractor. The use of your money solely for such a huge project. The increased cost of the project from $80K to $200K, as identified by the mall owners who are now willing to fund its completion? Why?  The prospect for you to sharecrop and accept such a debt warrant. Your clear lack of business savvy

9. The endless sky is the limit promises and integrations of Olu, Soap Factory, my cafe, but yet everything and all the signs point to an opposite reality. There is a term for that a mental illness psychological term:

-----

grandiose delusions

i am attempting to write my way out of this latest

and that term comes to me in parts..."grandiosity"

the promises. then i remember there is a mental instability and sickness that uses that term, part of being schizophrenic and bipolar/..these grand schemes that will never happen, could never be, and all the signs proving their converse alternate///and as i continue writing i think i may have gotten catfished of a different kind

the presenting and offering of a scheme that was never possible

#inheritance

-----------------

 10.. Your lack of money to follow through as big as you pretended in the beginning


11. You being more offended and taking personal my cussing but you quite fine with your autistic and developmentally challenged boy children, your two failed marriages, an unkempt house and lack of home life for the three of you. Yeah. skewed much>?

12.Your seeming lack of management skills

13/ You, a black man as a sheriff reserve in Mississippi

14/ Your family of mentally ill history

15. For all your so-called enlightenment, your darkness of misogyny, female dismissal, female backchecking, mansplaining, gross ignorance and willful arrogance in areas I am clearly more knowledgeable

16. Your leaving academia with your PhD

17. Dieing your grey hair

18. Your reneging on your offers twice now

19. Your reneging on your plane ticket, my flight, and postponing my travel two days before I am to leave.

20. You are clearly in a mess in your own life. You tried to act as if You were saving me, could save me but it was all a ruse for me to save you in yours. take care of your boys, your home, create a home life, and stability, and help you generate income as you saw me as a huge money making asset.

21. You being overwhelmingly beyond male as to manicou and acting like a cunt of control so you take your  marbles and my trip ...well done.

Yet, my bar of trust is low. I overlooked all of this in four months and forteen days.

a policeman padna spoke last night
and said he had been to a psychologist/psychiatrist twice.
he said, the first time was mandatory
the second time he was told "he needed someone to talk to"

later on last night in a different conversation, with different people
i was being cautioned about "making mistakes" and i retorted, look how old i am and i have yet to make any big ones.
twenty four hours later...i am amused at my comment and thoughts, the conversations, and their relevancies tonight
seems like the universe just wont let me veer even close to explosions and the unstable.
even if it is dead here, it is stable, right?
(rolls eyes)

-----------------

your word is worth less than dirty toilet paper in a septic tank
and when money spent is no longer a guarantee of anything
you all know we are in a shitstorm of fifth dimensions.
multiple realities running at the same time.

it is indeed a bizarre time in the cosmos
no. what is not healthy is bipolar super sensitive turned inside out/ people thinking they are sane
‪#‎allthatisthediaglogueforthemovieLIFE‬

----------------------


the universe keeps protecting me maybe?
or is it that i am delusional?

===========


when you renege.
when you are vindictive
what else wont you do?
to make people hate you
and swear to your destruction

‪#‎instructionremedial‬
‪#‎divorcedeals‬
you cant go sailing with folk who always want to empty the boat every time there is a swill
the folk most afraid of conflict are the ones who will torch you on a pyre
True talk
Fear is heavier than Heavy
And faster than Gravity
i am gone folk. gone.
and done
someone trini want to remind me what the Canadian Commissioner of Police income package was? why is $50K US or Canadian stuck in my head? and does not include the income monthly for his also canadian deputy that he insisted tag along? If you dont know the whole package value just tell me what he made in per month? And then will someone outline for me the level of negotiations open in national topper employment contract. like Calder Hart who was pulling $one million TT/ month on eight big contract jobs/ all here in Trinidad. all running at the same time. concurrent. from 2007? or before? to when?? 2010? that is what? $300K US. if nothing else, please confirm for me that what they pay foreigners here in the banana is not what they pay and publicize for locals and moreso, what the foreigners get is wildly unrestricted and matched only by their ability to negotiate like champs.
Someone tell me cause I not living here. I havent been here for thirteen years, and I sure as hell dont know what I am talking about. and we are so internet savvy here in the banana republic, where the majority of the public service and population are not on the computer searching information but porn...where too many ignorant people , even right here on the plantation republic, never even heard the term. So tell me, please, someone. about the never ending lengths and distances foreigners can go through when they get contracts here. But hell. nevermind. stay where you are. we have enough crazy here.

--------------------
 the requirement to be smart and wise
keeps growing to levels where neither ladder nor arm reaches

==============

 deep breath.
reminding myself through tears. never be afraid to stand still
never be afraid to run through hard.
never be afraid to retreat.
‪#‎noescape‬
‪#‎sucker‬
‪#‎psyche‬

----------------


such an interesting night
i wrote a long response but made it a blog instead
"Excuse Me, Egg"

earlier i had the insight that I need to write on a level and revelation that itself is new and on a higher demand, even for someone who has been writing since their teen years, and keeping those writings, compiled and curated since 1990. i recognized it is because I know things most people at my locus standi do not, and the people who do know what i speak of and about, came by the exposure, knowledge and capacity by a different means- usually by entitlement, privilege and generational legacy, multiple generations. and so the things I tell folk they disbelieve cause it is so far out of their galaxy. so I need to write about that. cause I cant keep wasting breath explaining it. I cant keep fighting dead people, or validating my view to ignorance.
then, now
it seems quite a few people around me knew and saw long before i did. they said things like, "i want to see it happen" or, " you not ..."
only for them to be proven right, two days prior...quite fascinating
but all i think, this must be for something. and how much stronger does the universe want me to be, only to keep being told how strong i am by monikers of chip on shoulders, crazy, vitriol, cause i be man (just like) more than the manicous.
i find it fascinating
it is bizarre actually
the five dimensional keeps finding ways to set me apart from these mere
you know the sad thing about strong people?
they often deny the level trauma, and tragedy they are experiencing..telling themselves, dont stoop to that level of brokenness and emotion, stay up... stay up
"you are gonna be so well taken care of that I am going to take this rug and rung from under your feet/ my offer to rescind, says the beautiful ones born all over
i told myself I should be laughing
instead, i stayed silent.
in the soap factory of my rinsing
‪#‎poetryprosepost‬

==============


never bet on people or life.

------------

I was going to mention this for a different reason, but I'm saying it in general now. We need to push back your departure/arrival date. I need to get the Academy up and running without distraction. You mentioned it a time or two and I said no...come on. But coming with conflict is not going to work.

Email me the info I sent you on your ticket. I am pretty sure I purchased insurance that would allow for a change of flight date prior to travel. If not, I will think of something...but this is coming too soon; mall management wants me to make myself available over the next three weeks as they complete the project. I was not expecting to basically be required to be on-site...sort of a second project manager.

Now I have to get secondary arrangements for child care setup for my boys with my sitter.

Then just today, I get notice from my apartment complex manager that they have my lease being up earlier than I calculated.

They used an earlier date, even though they waited to send me renewal papers and I have a signature for a signing last year at end of September. They are saying it was an error on their part and was not the date I renewed any other year and not the date I originally started here (which is true).

So...I have to start packing earlier than I planned in order to be out of here at end of August instead of end of September. I'll try and get some friends to help, but it's still gonna be tough since now the Academy is set to open around the same time they are saying my lease will be up.

Finally, it seems like some days we are totally in sync....then BAM!!! we are on opposite planets. That's not healthy.

....am I missing something?? Like what was all the "Banana Republic" vitriol all about??

I really don't know what I said to provoke those comments from you...

Chat Conversation End==============

me referring to my trinidad as a banana republic and out of his knowledge is not only problematic.

but vitriol. these people not sick in joke you know.

what can you do with fragile people who think everything revolves around them?

--------------------EDIT-----------------

when you choose to do a faith walk

After you have given up on such things.

you were straight bricks and mortar.

but you realize you can get bricks and mortar

and that can be taken away or disintegrate

i suspect i am learning that no matter the bar,

even though most keep theirs to the ground

any and all can and might in fact disintegrate

but when you have a mission, and one so big and imposing as

:"in search of your own life"

you realize bullshit aint an option

you barrelling through as an alchemist, a magician,

maybe even as a circus clown

but you weaving straw, in search of gold

and you will call all the names and goddesses that you must

be they kali, oshun, oya, yemaya.

and let everything falls where it may

those things aint your business.

Excuse Me, The Egg

cedric. i am not gonna do this. i am not gonna keep repeating myself. I am not gonna keep clarifying myself. I am not gonna keep explaining myself. what i will do is just say, ok.

especially since you are not asking me questions but telling me what you find. so fine. that works.

I am not coming in conflict. well i wasnt. but when people push back and talk their peace especially being a woman it is problematic.

i did not ask you to walk away from the academy.

and what i did say was let me stay in my lane.

Amnd for you to mention pushing back my travel after all of this is real real real deep/ it is not pure. It is not of good character.

I have no conflict with you cause I have nothing with you. the only conflict might be all the promises made were not real and not available.

But for you to even remove from me the opportunity to just travel, cross sea, come over there and just air out, is kind of ugly.

because as you stated, I not coming there to do nothing, not cook for you or your boys, not take care of them. I was just coming to read books, vegetate and see what I might do.

today hearing that you want to take debt indicated to me, that your talk of all these months are neither practical or happening any time soon, and I as good with that. I was and been put on a different wavelength when you sent me that memo of all what I need not do.

now let me tell you this. what information you found to day is the income for local trinidadians. NOT THE INCOME THEY PAY FOREIGNERS. get it now.

i gt sick of being doubted, checked on by people who dont know half of what I do

I dont nor expected you to be babysitting me at any time in this process.

I expected as you mentioned, to be in a house by myself for two months as you offered to provide for food, and housing.

Why do you think I wrote to get a suitcase of clothes there? So i would not have to expect or rely on y ou to buy me things as promised.

Your response is incredibly selfish/

self centered of no concern or mind to any side except yours but it was your offer to extend , pretned or rescind/

And you are not even discussing this but instructing. so my dear, it is better always for one to have their own.

Thanks for the egg on my face. It will be interesting tomorrow at my farewell party

bows.

I should laugh. welcome to my life i should tell myself. the endless troll of people who show up offering the world only for it to be a 'psyche'/./ and then you want to write me about TRUST> are you for real. ahahahaaa.. love it. this is better than satire and Irony

yes. i am told I am a mirror. and your life is a shamble/ just like mine. and you were and are in no position to do half the things you presented. and i see it over and over and over again.

And those times were the BAM>

down to you not knowing when your lease was up/

i am being tested though. I used to say i am not easily shamed or embarrassed. I see now your callousness is boundless. and i shall have to find a way to continue on after calling people. saying goodbye, Emptying the last of my money in my accounts, spending it freely these days..

But , so it is/

what is it you said about chips on shoulder? thanks for adding a few more inches and pounds. dealing with...oh what was it you wrote me once, "i am not like the trini men and people as you have encountered"

well you couldnt be more trini if you had a trini passport.

=================

what was it that my friends knew that i did not?
they kept on saying, "i waiting to see if she will leave"
they seemed to have known i was not going anywhere
and kept on saying it.

two days before

Attitude is Self Gratitude

Gerry Anthony

"They say that it's not about what you do but how you do it and not about what you say but about how you say it. It sometimes seems also like a matter of not what is said, but who is saying it. I can tell you that it is sometimes very hard to see that truth manifest itself in the way that I would sometimes, I guess, 'try' to explain certain concepts to persons against much objections and disapproval on their part. Then at some point later I would see the same persons lauding similar or the same concepts, except then it is expressed in more "sophisticated" language by some presumably more qualified or recognized individual. Maybe it is not so much about the concept and idea but refinement of expression."


{well. you could have stopped at who is saying it. I came to that insight and conclusion yesterday after the last of a few persons telling me about "my attitude" but when i study the thing I had to ask myself, what is an attitude, what is the attitude they speak of, and when I see instances, they are all the same: me refusing to let other people treat and address and construct me according to their will and interest, me standing up for myself, me being a woman and having the gall to do that against men who step out first step trying to belittle or best me (as it relates to my vehicle), it also means going head to head with folk who would beat and gain an upper hand to control or manipulate you. apart and separate from all of that is an unspoken dynamic too...what is normal for men is unacceptable for women, so like i am supposed to have an attitude of gratitude and 'take what ever you can get', my back not supposed to be too straight, nor my nose...anyway, what i am saying ...is that "who" is very much predominate. but i understand all of what you say otherwise, just giving another spin and perspective on the same story. i guess in my refinement it is to be sugar and honey and smile and charm my way away from the bullshit people try to shovel but in my case, my face straight as a pin and convo short short.}

i am posting this cause so much is on my mind and a good part of it relates to this:: who you are and who and how people will allow or not, you to be.

twelve days left and still revelations of this place reveal themselves. that ever lined onion.

so yesterday i learned that someone i considered a cool associate had been talking to me for weeks and i have known her for over a year, but last week on a lime is telling someone else not to have her sit next to me on a lime. this woman just turned fifty last tuesday. is the mother of three children. and all the weeks prior to last was asking me repeatedly if i was coming to her birthday party. i now wonder as i write, is she, might she not be one of those people who i tell you have mental illness for sport, schizophrenic, bipolar or something else additionally, it so makes no sense.

then i wonder what kind of trini obeah woman i am when a crapaud appears at my door and I neither am afraid, nor does it ever occurred to me that it could be a bad omen or someone sent anything for me, nor do i consider throwing salt on it. instead, i come inside cool and calm, leave it at the landing. and research the meaning for bullfrogs, crapauds, and the numerology...see it is all good and blessings and a flood of good tidings to come, and recognize its number play whed the six pm call the evening prior and its number opposite and total played that day at the afternoon and evening. i tried to get friends to play cause I dont, and well, no one did/ only for weeks later for trinis to tell me that is a bad sign/ and i wonder if that is the power of a true blue unversal obeah woman her tools and kriptonite are not of this world and certainly not of the natural creatures and measures that emanate from her hand. kind of sending bush poison for Osein, it aint possible. he growing, planting and tending the very same. but i find that intriguing

but it made me pray this morning and pump up my hedge and flyback tools and capacities.

and for the first time I thought i need a spirit guide to process and interpret the movie that plays in my brain when i close my eyes. or the constant depiction of faces, endless. or the scenes of images, or like today, the morphing of animals, behind my eyes. effortlessly. I dont know what that is. I want to know what that is. I want to know someone else that happens to/ the first and recent explanation I came up with was actually given to me when chase said i am walking with all the beings i have ever incarnated to.. it was after one of his channelings after we bathed in the river. it seemed sensible and resonated with us both. but now. i have a heightened need to explain it further, especially as the scenes are evolving. and this is what appears in my art and paintings, when they are abstract.. endless faces. that i did not put there.

but i digressed before i finished a point. i think i wake up realizing how untrustworthy everybody is , even when they dont mean to be. like my closest girlfriend telling me 'she dont think i am leaving to go anywhere' and i just looked at her and listened and wondered what could be appearing to her for her to say that? even as i have ticket in hand. but it shows you how people can be undermining when they dont mean to be, but that plenty people are and are in fact malicious

like yesterday, another friend, brought a mechanic whom she has know for months to see my car two weekends ago. yesterday she approaches me and tells me about my attitude. that the man was offering to fix my car and then sell it and give me some change. and I was looking at her stunned. she is a drunk, so i was taking it in stride, but i was shocked. and wondered and asked her how we could have such a divergent view of an interaction. and then i asked her if i was mistaken why did she not tell me what he was offering. but the man offered no such thing. never. and why would someone do that a month before I am to leave. you really think a mechanic is going to stop all other work, make my car priority and dispense with it? you see a scam when you hear one. that was for him to take my car, i have to flyout and they keep my car, and use it and make money off of it as will. but folk will get mad as hell when you foil their schemes. Now i wracking my brain wondering how she could see things as she had, and is only when things dont add up you realize folk had plans for you. she supposed to be a friend. I wonder what she was getting out of it? But then turns around to tell me how she had to beg the mechanic to come and take her daughter's car. I said why you had to beg? She said cause neither she nor the daughter has money. And that is when I look at her and asked her so why you feel this man would have fixed my car for free? She had no answer. jumped up in a fit and say talk done. I know why he would do it, cause I done pass through a paul wau han or what ever he name is...it was a scheme to get your car and make money and I learned from the first smart man, that is a mechanic's tool of trade. i have no idea why i am so cool to let that vehicle sit down right there. did not want it to end up like that, but it served me well and beautifully and at the greatest of envy of other people which surprised me cause the car old as hell and as pedestrian of a quality you can get, but lord, people's eyes were green

so for all these things to be revealed to me in these final days here, smh

just stuns. then i have another friend, a male, and not just him, my cousin too...that story i hear people in trini talk about of males willing to take women around and women using men for transportation. i have written about it once before. I have never had that privilege, luxury or service. and even when I ask folk who are supposed to be tight with me, it is never possible. and I am like. turning to look at myself and ask, you have friends here? you could have survived any more time here?

god bless the child who has got her own, and i always had my own

and these last eighteen months where I had less and less and no vehicle, i just adjusted and kept my narrow but growing ass in my neighborhood.

Resilient and Adjustable as much as folk like to tell me I am not a person who adjusts or have attitude. It is precisely because I survive so elegantly adjust immediately and know how to protect myself even in sheer ignorance that they call that attitude and i earn their intentional hatred

it just feels like there really is no barriers from madness to self well being. not a one.

My Life This Weekend July

 

Aquarius Horoscope for week of July 7, 2016

After an Illinois man's wife whacked him in the neck with a hatchet, he didn't hold a grudge. Just the opposite. Speaking from a hospital room while recovering from his life-threatening wound, Thomas Deas testified that he still loved his attacker, and hoped they could reconcile. Is this admirable or pathetic? I'll go with pathetic. Forgiving one's allies and loved ones for their mistakes is wise, but allowing and enabling their maliciousness and abuse should be taboo. Keep that standard in mind during the coming weeks, Aquarius. People close to you may engage in behavior that lacks full integrity. Be compassionate but tough-minded in your response.

 "You have no idea how WELL you are going to be taken care of, M. 23 OC Place, -------, .. will be your "launching pad"...your "idea playground"...who knows what you could "prototype" right in the back yard!! I'm one of your strongest supporters...and I believe in YOU!!"

"Yes, I own the structure. And yes, you and I shall give it life!!!"

"Can you stand it!!! Just over two weeks...and Jackson will have NO IDEA "The Owl has Landed"!!"

IdeaNation

Drag to Reposition Group Photo

so weird , as much as i watch and see the clock, in the last few days, i am forgetting the time I went to bed and then try to calculate it by fb stamps, but that is not information without error.

but, last night while i dreamed, two big things came out with me, one was lost. i dreamt of being a satiric one woman show, where the comedy is the biting truth I see. doing that in the south, nawlins maybe or in a dark countryside speakeasy. I wonder if they still have those as when i was in central - montgomery/tuskegee, alabama in the late 80s.

then much later into sleep, most recent, I had some business idea, and for the life of me, i cant remember it at all. but in the dream i went on to construct what would be necessary to make the idea come to life, and that is what i wake up with. some kind of idea nation. a place where unemployed males could consign themselves to do any number of changing tasks, working on projects, being the labor, hand and feet, brains for one innovation or another. a place where they come to make their ideas into manifestation, and they do it for each other, and the conveners of such a place. a place where you can build and write apps, test, and implement them, and also be a salvage yard of old, unused, and garbage machinery and cars for those who are still so inclined. see...my vehicle is what spurred this. a man was brought to see my vehicle yesterday, and he is the kind of male i detest engaging or even responding to. You see I have an internal radar for misogyny and obnoxious male over masculinity...and i sense it, i see it perhaps as energy, and vibration. people like that speak in very condescending forms, ask stupid questions because they think you are stupid, and overall try to undercut and undermine your position by elevating theirs by importance and heaviness. sometimes the contradictions in their comments to reality cues you in to their bullshit. but turns out this guy own one garage that does "everything" from engine, to drivetrain, to tires, to bodywork, to painting, and lord knows what else, if his "everything" is everything. well. he also purchases vehicles for customers because the person who brought him , bought a vehicle from him, he importing it for her. anyway, this man tried to tell us, of all his labors and worries should he take the car...the value, the discovery of unexpected problems, the bumper which he shakes...all reinforcing things I had told him bu that is the thing people do to try and cut you down and i dont even want to be bothered. If you gotta go through that, this aint the car for you. this vehicle is for one who is a collector, one who values old reliables, of a certain specific code of beauty and level of maintenance. the vehicle is meticulous, low mileage. and yet, the negro never had one good thing to say, not of the mileage, not of the condition of the interior or exterior. i hope he never comes back

but it got me thinking. I wish i could take my car to a garage like that. I have no idea why or how that place never was shown to me, supposedly he is in my neighborhood...but to take my vehicle to such a garage and tell them to rebuild it from drive frame up and out. everything rebuilt, recycled, refurbished and reapplied, when possible. and pay whatever that is.

so that is where i got the idea of that place. IdeaNation. a place that is my idea and creation, that i take the myriad ideas i conjure up to, and have the manpower to convert to reality. and them doing that for themselves. I am convinced it is a worthwhile model.

I had a friend tell me how it is I allow all these men and young boys in the neighborhood to be so idle, why I dont set up something for their productivity. well. this is such a thing.

but i think of me. I have so many ideas and neither a drop of money, no backing or support, nor the resources to make the products , problem solving happen.

this place could be a clean up site/ a recycling bay, for everything. and see what is made and explore to be made with the raw inputs.

but you see the thing is, these men and young males will be there working on these projects, not just as labor but as owners, they will own and benefit from their work and productions. you make a car from scrap, it is yours.. just written and cataloged under a roster of productivity of the Foundation...

anyway, I am getting into unnecessary detail.

Learie Hercules, does this make any sense to you.

I know i write about mechanics, but there is also technology, but what i see is that the males are into a range of things not just technology. there are a whole bunch of men who are still into doing the old hand work of building, ironworks, woodworking, mechanics, etc.

also, a big part of this IdeaNation is to create enabling for the innovator. To build walls around their work, ideas, their process and productivity, to keep the negativity and retardation away from them. to create a bubble so to speak where they can move forward freely.

I think how almost a year ago I tried to partner with Ashesi University, look it does not even tag up, i think the wife of the creator must be managing social media because the level blockage and guard as well as nonresponses to my submissions... and yes specific things here on fb make me to think it is a personal dynamic...

The means by which this can work would be an endowment, corporate gifts in the millions that are neither small, nor one-offs, but annually, and not something we must go cap in hand for but an annual line item that is never questioned, parsed or stopped.

I think i am on to a model: revised, renewed, returned, expanded.

One of the collective. One of the eschewing of money. We are going to get to a time when money becomes obsolete. And we will be forced to navigate, purchase and agree on the value of things to exchange, work together and build. It is what Roderick means when he says I am here to teach a new approach, a new way of life..

The question i have is how long will it take to get into that mode. How long will we have to wait for the human beings to take this forward. current ones being so unbelievably crass, obnoxious and selfish about money, means, resources. this gloating attitude of I have and you dont and your not having makes me that much elevated. ..that specie...is holding this back. but the contradiction is that the need, the raw inputs and the unemployed males and labor all exist already, now , and languishing.

i will pick this up again, soon, I am sure

Conscious Creative Collective 99

You know too...writing about this this morning, made me realize what 'legacy' is and is not. i ask myself what is the benefit of a free education, so called, when it does not make you independent of systems, limitations, gates and guards? what is the benefit of that education when we have almost all those people unemployed in a system? what have you really done if you have not built an enabling environment for entrepreneurship, productivity, future creation, etc. etc...or dismantled all the structures that keep a population and a nation retarded? where is the innovation of education? when in that free education the material is the same as was thought as fifty years ago, well, one tweak, it has less material.? I shant go on. if you keep building old structures and means you arent doing us any favors. none.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/CCCollective99/

ImMorality Reports

 

 

 

Lenin once said: “There are decades where nothing happens, and there are weeks where decades happen.” Except in this case, the time frame was hours, not weeks.

the universe and us humans in it are truly full of marvelous contortions and changes. just like that, my sleeping pattern seems to have changed. I am back to sleeping consistently through the night, full eight, nine hours. and i have no understanding as to how or why.

in the last few weeks, i have had some interesting experiences around relationships and friendships.

i saw my father's wife, nine years younger than me, and her youngest daughter in pennywise, i was bemused, i did not speak to them. they were without their hijabs which was peculiar enough, but years ago like in 2008, my father forbade that same daughter, who was coming on a school trip to movietowne, and i told her when she gets here, call me and I will come see her. He told her if she contacted me she would not be allowed to go. I stopped going to visit him. I tried maintaining contact with the mother by phone post that incident but we eventually fell off since it was clear that he forbade all of them to talk to me. such was the fear my father had of me, and i guess in his mind, infiltrating his nest with my mother's side of the family

then my girlfriend who i had been communicating with on my pending life changes, she tells me she was going to tell an old associate of us to come and check me while he visited for a week here. He is the brother of a sister within a group circle when we were in grad school. she reminded me she thought that we would have connected , but didnt the first time she tried , and she could even remember the incident something about mosquitoes and a/c. meanwhile, i dont even remember meeting the man. but what struck me was two things; why mention it if you are not going to do it, and who remembers such bs. and third, and this is what i wrote her, what does twenty years ago have to do with 2016. these are the dynamics that make you wonder about people, about their deepest intentions and vibrations. and my life is so bereft of outside and inspiring stimuli, i see it as her withholding from me. and this is the movements of 'friend'. i wonder. but it also makes me wonder about me. am i really so fine tuned, highly strung, so specific, so meticulous, or am i just aware and see the myriad ways folk sabotage each other under many guises...and names, of love and camaraderie ?

then the situation with my niece, who despite her age, I did consider her my friend, and my closest friend, and me likewise to her. it helped that a seer woman told me years ago that we knew each other in a past life when/where we were friends. our natural and instinctive closeness and similarities made it easy to believe. she is the most honest with me or used to be. well last week, she did some shit in the house, stole all the okra from a pot of stewed turkey my mother cooked, and listen to the convoluted story...my mother without asking anyone in the house about the okra, assumed i ate them all, when i dont do that, strip a pot of its ingredients, and when I was the last one to eat, and i am telling my mother , listening incredulously to her story, that I just ate, saw no okra, had no okra, and i swear to you she looking at me and kept on repeating her story, totally disbelieving me. and I felt crazy and felt so. so hear the story...it is my aunt who comes to tell maya, "see what you are causing" just the day before, my mother, the same one blaming me for tiefing okra, cooked and fried okra for maya and her sister the day before, and that never occurred to her as to the solution to the mystery. and it was only my aunt who indicated this is the treachery of maya, but it all dawned on me over time...and i have been silent about it, in shock actually...that maya, my friend, saw me being excoriated and never admitted her deed, came to my defense. well listen to the plot twist, when my mother and aunt tried to blame maya, i went to her defense. the child thin like a rail cause she has been allowed to be a picky eater, and what picky eater likes okra, and it was not in my knowledge frame that she would go in a pot, and worse yet, strip it of its contents. but then i heard she raids pigtail from pots as well. so despite all that history, my mother focused on me. is that not stunning? now mind you i say mother, but this is my aunt eh, my deceased mother's oldest sister. my godmother and the woman whom i had the closest relationship through my life. i dont need to tell you i have no relationship with her now. the sabotage, hate and resentment i have endured here has been phenomenal. and it all goes back to them hating my father, and them pissed to the devil that i did not sue, or pursue my inheritance from my parents, or father, after my mother's death. and they resentful that I am living in the land I was born to their parents, my grandparents. it is them child i am, no one else, not even the womb who bore me. but this story was to tell you and show you the treachery of 'friends' . the height of deceit. the ugliness of character. from the aged to the young. relationships and friendships. anyway, maya, once caught and identified began to get rude and cussed, yes, this thirteen year old, I was shocked stunned i tell you. i tried to tell her to hush as she was really cussing her grandmother. she refused, I ended up slapping her. she persisted. i slapped her again. you know this trick tried to start fighting me. if her grandmother was not there, I have no idea what that would have come to but i was never enraged or in a mode where i would have torn her to pieces, but i was stunned. then i got on the phone and reported to her mother, marjorie, maya;s grandmother had no intention to tell the mother, and hence why we have this madness going on...but it appears they have been off the rails for years, but i in my own corner, had no clue. it was only that day that i learned my youngest aunt was going to tell her niece to make other arrangements because the girls are out of control and stressing marjorie.. but i have derailed a bit but will close by saying this happened cause this nest of women, and an absent father, allowed these girls to rule, and even excoriated me for being too stern, and demanding of them from the time they were born. so now they reaping. but i was stunned to see the behavior of one who i considered my friend. to allow me to be steam rolled, stand by watch everything and never stopped the persecution. that is deep to me. what kind of sociopath is being developed there. and others may find this an extreme analysis. i dont. i would be sure to hear the cries at the end of the circuit though/

then the other thing that happened in the friend or not zone in the last week...someone i considered a friend, who i have had no dealing with for decades, wrote something to me so sordid, out of my character, kind of doing the same thing my mother does...of having a total lack of faith and trust in me for no reason at all. i dont know if it is of projection, internal ugliness, deep misunderstanding they harbor of others who are not like them...i dont know what. i cant explain it, laid a prospect on my feet so far out of my realm of possibilities and in direct contradiction to discussions. it is like this. If I offered you a gold bracelet, you accept it, and then they retracted and on top of that, tried to say you stole the bracelet. like that.

then too, i was stunned. I swear i have had experiences in the last few weeks that make me feel if i am in the insane asylum. totally apoplexed by the behaviors of nothing but irrationality, treachery, subtle sabotage.

and i am just left looking at my hands, trying to read, what is this all about? what are the messages here, how to make sense , logical, rational, mature and functional sense of all this insanity. and I am stumped. but one thing I wont do, is to presume blame and say, well if all this happening to me, i must be the problem. no. yeah. I am the problem cause i see all these characters.

which is funny. i woke up today realizing that my sleep patterns have changed. I sleep consistently through the night, straight hours of seven to nine...but this morning, i woke up and i swear i felt my eyesight was brighter, wider spectrum. i felt my small chinese eyes were bright with pupil view. it was weird.

i see it all. i see them all. what saddens me is that there really is no escape or means to elude .

all the universe that has happened in my life, in a mere week or two