Nearer My Death, To Thee

Lynn Beisner:

"I am doing a little bit if research on Near Death Experiences. I would love to hear your experiences, thoughts or opinions."

this thread makes me wonder what is the rightful definition of "near-death"...but from the comments, let me share:

1. the first, in my early 20s, i had a high impact smash up, running /speeding into the back of a hauler truck on the highway in Alabama. a two trailer ups truck cut in front of me, i geared down in my toyota sports coupe, brand new btw, and geared back up to speed and switched lanes and bam. the reason why the ups cut me off. I thought i was going to die. that whole 'life flash before your eyes story'/ the car was going under the bed. but i got off. no injury just slammed. i was stretchered, ambulanced, but i dont remember anything significant

2. in my late 20s, in the caribbbean, on a vacation with my family, i almost drowned in the sea at high tide. i was swimming and playing as tide came in and depth rose beyond my standing, and waves came crashing so immeditely there was no break, and i started to panic, and remember telling myself, if i panic, that is it, i will die and my family cannot take the loss of a second child. a few years before, my brother had died. so i told myself to just calm down and swim swim swim no matter what the waves, where the water takes me. and that is what saved me. all of that was a conversation submerged under depth

3. my brother since he died in 1987 never rested. i was told this multiple times. he was 18. he did not know he was dead. he was a young soul being as well as young human so did not comprehend. and so he was wandering and in soul attachment to me almost from the beginning and i think i caused it too cause i bemoaned and bewailed his loss so much and spoke and took a 'he is here with me story' it was deep. fast forward decades later to my 40s...i was told by a reader that 'my brother needed my support, he is in trouble, he really needs you" the reader in giving me the info did not realize my brother was deceased, for decades. when i told him after he was done. he screamed and slapped a wall...he was so in shock. my brother was so 'alive' but as he calmed he told me, really and truly, he did see him in a grave, as if standing in a grave..so he realized the help my brother needed from me was to take him to the light. i sought help from the two spiritual people in my midst: my father's new wife who seems to have some kind of 'power' and a spiritual baptitst mother healer. both of them refused to help me telling me "they could come for you when you do that" they being the dead or those on the other side, the hosts or the agents... but i had to do it. so i did it alone, me a novice, never before, not in this line of work.
 I just followed what my intuition told me and what i was instructed to do. i also realize i was told to do this years ago but was given no reason why, but was told to cook yam and palm oil in a calabash and place it in the forest. and i asked then, peculiar enough, "how much time do i have to do it" and was told there is no limit. now that is not my personality, i do things immediately, pronto. but i knew i did not live near a forest and access to one was challenging on my own, but four years later, i was living in a forest, on a mountain, and only when encountered the reader, did i realize, this is the time to do that deed---the forest thing and is now four years later am i getting the reason the connection...my brother
 well, i did it. crossed the river in my backyard and climbed up the river and over the other side...and placed incense, calabash, said some incantations, spoke to my brother, and lit candles. as soon as i did that, rain fell.
 two days later sleeping at night, i was awakened by an image on my white closet door with the light from the street above hitting it to create shadows as if a film on a screen...a man stood at the door of light outstretched hands to me. I was in deep sleep. i saw that, and jumped up from deep sleep to standing on the bed and began to run with the blanket entangled with me, running on the bed as if i was on flat ground, and fell off, buddup and that is what shut it all down. ended the scene and experience. {they had come for me} and i knew it. It was why i was running. that doorway and overwhelmingly bright light that stuns. i wonder how much of what we see is implanted from stories in the domain, but somehow, i dont think it is that. it is real*

4. near death just happened last friday
walking up a hill in the forest, came upon a family encampment. they did not hear me calling, nor did the dogs which are usually tied, but i was at twilight, too late after day. they evidently are loosed for protection. I startled the dogs as well. They came flying round a corner with a speed that seemed as lightning fast, in a growlbark that i had never heard before, ever, and were in such a fury they flew past me, cause i did not run. i just stood still and they came back to me and stood one on either side and only when i called out again to the owner, did they attempt me: one took the skirt i was wearing, it's fly away piece, cause they had slits...and was pulling wranging it. I attempted to untie it to let it go, but then the other dog had pulled at my tunic and then tried  to snap my leg but it was just a scratch, by then the owners and family appeared. I was stunned not at the incident, but how i handled it. in retrospect i find it bizarre. i grew up with dogs, i was going to be a vet. my first degree is in animal science, i started vet school..yeah yeah, but in all my life i have never ever been bitten or attacked by dogs. but i thought it bizarre how calm i was, how centered and grounded i evidently inhabited. after, hours after, the next day, i remark how i could have been mangled and murdered by those dogs. easy for them to lunge me and go for the neck, or had they pulled a limb, my hands, it would have made it easy for the other...it just makes me shudder, kind of. and this in a country where several people have been mangled, murdered and maimed by dogs..so the visual is palpable. when i say mangled i do mean that, eh . like a rag doll. and these were two South African Ridgebacks. Read about them. they are horrid raging animals. In Trinidad/

so these are my near death, but are they near death. what is the difference between perceived danger of death and real death statistic accomplished (flat line)

interesting writing for a monday morning
i just wrote a blog. thank you

Once Bitten

so my weird week *(July 22 --) continues and all i can say is that i hope it ended today, but tomorrow comes and who is to say when a week really is, cause we made all that ish up...

but being about the business of my coffee, harvesting and readying preparation for batch number two, there were only two consumers on batch number one by the way, i feel the need to say that i am an exclusive supplier ... in all my life. i have never been attacked or bitten by a dog. and today, at the age of ripeness...two ridgebacks out of nowhere, hurled at me at full speed, rabid and raging, and i just stood still. talk about standing ground. i think if a video of the scene was being made it might have been funny cause they were tearing down a hill to the extent that they bounded past me, circled and then barked right up on me, one to the left, one to the right and i am told is a mother and son. and the only thing, I think, made them attack me is that I called out yet again for the owner of them to appear. he says it was my clothing, my oh so inappropriate farming and bush clothing...today it was a flowing skirt, my indian saffron gold yellow skirt with the gold trim, gone now, along with my indian white embroidered green white tunic, both punctured and torn, i did not even know until i was at the health centre...

Ridgebacks. I could not believe what i was hearing. And here it is, I , years and miles away from south africa. but i wonder of the science and mystery of things. I had said i would get a rott or a pit for when i moved fully out to the bush, but here it was, a gift, by way of a bite, a very superficial thing too, looks to me like a scratch, the nurse was like, no that is a puncture, but she was overstating it. but Papa, the man whose dogs it was said it was my clothes that saved me, they grabbed for it not knowing where my limbs and all i could think about is Uncle down in Moruga who told me how women dressed back when he was a child, where you saw not even their ankle, in full long skirts and long sleeved shirts...and that saved me ...that and standing still. if you ever get attacked by dogs. NEVER run. and i learned tonight. Just HuSh. It was wild. I did not even feel adrenaline. Not even after. makes me think i should probably take a swig of whisky and honey if it werent for the antibiotics i started yesterday and then i thought of that too. how convenient, for my body to be filled with antibiotics in preparation for a dog bite? Of/By Ridgebacks in Trinidad? And they have puppies, two, before i left Papa offered me one and I was not even thinking, at the moment, i think i was pondering whether to whimper or tear at the thought of their health, tetanus and other dangers. I was trying to pass it off as just another cut, which i treat with no fanfare whatsoever, never using bandaids or any such applications, just creams, iodine, flavine or whatever. left to me I would have used hydrogen peroxide and some tea tree. but the comments, about how one did not get it treated and his leg turned some kind of bad, and then talk of tetanus shot.

while in the various seats I sat, I thought of the dangerous dogs act. and we never heard mention of ridgebacks did we, and why would the person who was structuring a possible option for the law bill be the one to get attacked. let me tell you this place is funny. who go know where Papa living to go and monitor his dogs, no fence, no lines, what registration, what coverage of insurance. hm.

This batch of coffee is going to be an expensive one. It already is. So I called Makuvire and he told me to go to MtHope Health Centre, and let me tell you. that is better than anything pictured in the mind. in and out in 45 mins, but that is because there was no one there, and still i sat around three times waiting for the next section: one to take my blood pressure and write a slip. one to take my weight and send me lower down the corridor. then the doctor to take notes and records. then a nurse to give me tetanus. and another nurse or asst, to dress the wound. serious. and a clerk to start and close the process..

i was not to get it wet, but hell if they thought i was not going to bathe this body...i feeling the bandage wet, but what is a clean freak to do...
Getting bit by Ridgebacks on a Hill in St. Joseph, up the river from family grounds. My adventures astounds even me.

-----------
Niran Beharry
"In difficult ground, press on; On hemmed-in ground, use subterfuge; In death ground, fight."....time to fight

____________

this post reminds me of earlier tonight, which passes through my mind at moments: how it was I stayed calm, how it was i did not lose my mind. and then i imagine what could have occurred. mangled. murdered. a statistic. i only say one thing; thank god and goddess all my talk of having no fear is real. had i an ounce of fear, those dogs would have eaten me alive. they were ferocious let me tell you.

the rest of the story is that while i stood there and Papa attended to me, and his wife and daughter came out, she meekly asking me if i was all right and i did not even answer cause i recognized the kindness but somehow the words irritated me enough to keep me silent, sweet child.. she ended up offering me a kitten.. there is a litter of four... but while i stood there and got dressings and hydrogen peroxide and cotton balls and we talked, and i held on to him i think at one point, and emotion threatened to wet my eyes when he talked to me of tetanus...the puppy, the progeny of these two rabid creatures, kept coming to my feet, coming close, as if to seek me out, and it was only after he did it a few times that it struck me. go to confront his parents, so i asked Papa to take me to the cage, in the back of the house and one, the son, he kept lunging at the fence of his cagehouse. i wish you could hear the gurgle in his growl bark. Ferocious i tell you. I kept waiting for the one who bit me, but, she, the mother, was tied further back inside, and by this time it was dark and no light in there. but wow. and something too made me think they probably got more mad wondering who is this creature who is neither running to give us chase, Chase*, or screaming holy murder..

but it makes me think.. you cant always fight, and maybe the lesson is you cant fight at all ,, one must just flow with one's demise, the energy bringing it if one is to survive. this is not the first time this lesson has come to me, the first time was when I almost drowned at maracas in 1990 that year comes to me but i am not sure it is accurate, perhaps before then.. but after my brother died and that is the one thing that saved me; thinking in the midst of it all...that if i lose it i will be gone and my family could not take that; not losing another child, even if it was me, and back then, i was not even the black sheep I am now.

when you are in death ground, think twice about fighting. it might be the last penny on the price of your wipe out.

fascinating stories
i need to get a picture of those two animals. and the one that is mine
i now need to think of a great name for him.

Guest Blogger - Quite Phenomenal

Rodney Dodson

HEALTH NEWS: As we release our conditioned phobias, and increase our knowledge... we find that taboo behavior are actually quite natural, and in many cases beneficial.

ORAL

Oral sex has been linked to health effects in women. Women who frequently ingest their partner’s semen have been shown to have a significantly lower risk of preeclampsia -- a mysterious and dangerous pregnancy condition that is the leading cause of prenatal infant death -- than women who do not swallow.

CAVITY ABSORPTION

The alleged benefits of seminal plasma are activated when a man deposits semen into a woman's vagina. Newer research suggests that the same benefits may be available if the seminal plasma is swallowed. However anal sex is the most affective way of transmitting these miraculous health benefits.

As taboo as anal sex has become, it was common among human ancestry.
In many ancient civilizations through out history women used anal sex as a form of birth control, or as to preserve her vagina.

At healing centers around the world, terminally ill cancer patients are cured 5 times faster when given wheat grass enemas directly into the colon. The nutrient dense liquid is quickly absorbed into the receiver's bloodstream via blood vessels in the rectum, without being broken down or compromised by stomach acids.

HEALTH BENEFITS:

-GABA (chief neurotransmitter inhibitor) deposits are found in male semen. These are anti-depressant and anti anxiety chemicals. Statistics show that people who exchange fluids through anal intercourse are significantly happier.

Here are ten alleged health benefits of seminal plasma:

1. Natural anti-depressant.
2. Natural anxiety reducer.
3. Improves quality of sleep.
4. Increases energy.
5. Improves concentration.
6. Improves memory.
7. Improves mental alertness.
8. Assists with pregnancy maintenance.
9. Increases female-initiated sexual behavior.
10. Reduces pain

Evolutionary anthropologist Gordon Gallup, explains male anal sex fixation.
“There’s evidence that gay males following anal intercourse will go out of their way to try to retain the semen for extended periods of time, which suggests psychotropic effects.” Beyond the intimacy of fluid exchange, It is likely an instinctual behavior to absorb nutrients in its most complex state.

RECENT FEAR OF FLUID EXCHANGE:

The 1980's bizarre phantom AIDS virus caused mass paranoia in regard to "unsafe sex" (NATURAL SEX) However men have been having sex with men for probably millions of years, and no known plague has ever been documented from this behavior. Scientists and doctors around the world are pointing to infectious "sex" diseases as having everything to do with a low immune system (due to pour eating habits and toxic over load) and acidic blood composition, and having nothing to do with the actual sex itself.

People who are at super cell status, high immune system, have no DNA damage, alkaline blood composition, and sufficient micro nutrients, do NOT experience STD's, "AIDS," or any other infectious diseases.

WHY ARE HUMANS THE ONLY ANIMALS (BESIDE HOUSE HOLD PETS) THAT EXPERIENCE STD'S?

Humans are the only animal that experience any degenerative or infectious disease. Animals in the wild don't even lose their teeth. Many species (both homosexual and heterosexual) have sex all day long and never contract a deadly viral infection. Why? Because they are not toxic and/or malnourished. They do not drink coca-cola, cook with tap water, take pharmaceutical drugs, eat what their bodies are not made to eat (processed foods), lack micro-nutrients, or experience incredible emotional stress on a daily basis.

"I love you but it is difficult" and other proclamations of demented sociopsychopaths

someone just told me i had "a conceited ego"...i could only remember that saying from childhood, i am not conceited i am confident. then i remembered someone telling me i was not confident, because i have chosen to withdraw myself from vapid, vacuous futile efforts, people and environments. sigh. do you see that...exercise your self protection and preservation and you lack confidence. then someone wrote me that something must be wrong with me cause most men want a woman like me and i have had friends* around me who will say to me, but no man would ever 'cheat or mistreat you' and then finally, being told that it is difficult to love me...all of these reports relate to one thing
or maybe more...the first thing is how twisted and upside down people, their brains, their thinking, and how convoluted their cause and effects if not totally defiant of consequential steps, logic and emotional sensibility...

but it sent me googling "difficult to love" because i have a suspicion..anyone you find difficult to love is because you really dont love them, you love yourself and your self interest, and what you think you can get out of them and the reasons why you are connected to them, and their fullness, wholeness happiness is not your mission. I suspect this. i suspect someone is difficult to love when you are insisting on your own selfish decrepit and broken aims to do what you will at all and whatever costs to those around you and the entity that is your relationship. I believe difficult to love is when you dont even see the relationship as an entity and creation to nurture and maintain, you just see the other person as an obstacle to what you want, how you want, when and where. i suspect.

i suspect someone who finds someone difficult to love does not even know what love is. and therein lies likes a Huge Problem. people say love you but have you ever discussed or asked them what is love, how do you define love. folk have no idea what is love..and many just take it as a feeling and treat it as a cloak to put on and put off and that is proof that it is not love. i remember something my daddy told me in my twenties: anyone who loves you will never leave you. he was speaking about men. i think life and living have proven that true. i know when i love someone that means a commitment to see this thing through/ to get you to the other side of whatever obtains/ what man takes that mission/... i am forced to think of rumi, gibran and reilke. they are my standard bearers of love too, should i get lost or confused.

but the one search of difficult to love led me to self love. and what a find.
one of the first early line is "the current definition of self-love on dictionary.com is 'conceit, vanity and narcissism'' ...so no wonder some idiot will think my self actualization and embrace is a conceited ego/ cause i am supposed to be begging company, interest and companionship. not outlining what i want and what works for me under what conditions...that would fall under 'what you want' and i have been told that all my life. "you know what you want" and now that comes up all the time, i really truly understand that most folks dont know what they want so they take, dally and dance with everything>

but i am getting ahead of myself/ be careful what people tell you , be careful of who it is telling you what... a leaking faucet cant tell you how to keep water. people who are in various degrees and depths of self loathing and self hate cant tell you how to celebrate, in fact, when you try to they will douse you with all kinds of ice and cold water. this is so palpable to me it is uncanny. but the messages and bombardment and blast is so consistent, even me, i ask, question and wonder my intuition, knowing and insight...but i found something that validates a few things that i was afraid of

i was afraid of maybe: I really dont love myself and hence my problems
I was afraid of being desperately wrong and wrong headed. i was afraid of being convoluted and complicated so as to be (back to wrong)...but there is a self love test. I pass with flying colors. I am clear on another thing...love is not a feeling it is an action, a verb, a path, a walking. people will proclaim their love for you while holding scissors to cut your sails, mid air; people will see you happy and look to sabotage your joy, all the while and during their "love you , but it is difficult" story..and i realize in capsulate, my common theme and story...these are all forms of one thing: sociopsychopathology and its projections

it is not difficult to love me, it is in fact one of the easiest things: be consistent, have your word carry water, have a memory, be loyal, be committed to the mission of togetherness, safety and protection, walk a straight path, be mindful, be considerate, ...what is difficult in that? man the ship, never abandon deck. recognize there is me, you and the ship we are sailing, all three need to be maintained and cared for. where is the difficulty...but you know what would be difficult to stare me in my eye and lie, to cheat when you tell me i have trust issues, when you entertain trouble by a host of "friends", when you say one thing and do another, when the play on the ground dont fit your stories, when the staging and behind curtains dont match your playbill that you disseminating...that is difficult. when you say you are in a relationship but your only mission is petty selfish actions and thinking that is totally detrimental to self, home, other and hearth. That is Difficult

and only one in self love would see these things like the blinding scorching caribbean sunlight at midday. and still, if they love and chose to love you, they will pause and wonder, what is it that has caused this twistedness, such is the folly of conceit (sarcasm)

http://www.daretoliveyou.com/blog/2011/02/do-you-really-love-yourself.html

_______________

and everything requires sacrifice / you say you love someone, then there are sacrifices to create maintain and grow that love. what sacrifices were you ever willing to make for this love and life you said you wanted/?
I feel to laugh realizing the truth and centrality of this...you cant have the dream without dealing with the shadows, the obstacles, the obstructions
you wanted the gifts and blessings without the sacrifice and work. and that is why this was difficult. you wanted the benefits free
amazing lessons for me

http://archive.constantcontact.com/fs101/1102009605832/archive/1114027693544.html

The Slain Goose of Eggs

i awake with deep mental anguish that is just palpable disappointment if not contempt at the realization to how complete i am surrounded by douens, cowards, curs, pothounds, confidence-smartmen, , pliable women and grifters of both and all stripes

and as I tried to gather them all, and got to pothounds I thought of phillip nunez, we had a conversation early on when i met him in 2008 or so about trinidad being populated by pothounds was his theory, postulate and philosophy.

where is he? why do i not see him? is he blocked? but well? i just hope he is well. he is also the only other person in trinidad who knows the extent to which the cso from top and all the ministries, agencies and ngos make up numbers to suit their trade, no accuracy in data, far less for statistics.
both he and i are of the same trade, if not a generation apart.

Good Morning for people on your path
Like or Love no one, Only to:
Honor their passing
Value their contribution
Learn,
Take notes and Lessons

that is all

i also get up realizing the extent to which i was a powerhouse in partnership. Did only one deed, and accomplished a victory in six weeks but so many were appalled and intimidated they set upon working their mental manipulations. so upside is down. what was growing is now stalled.
the empire building has no contractors. and the entity that was the goose has no home, no more golden eggs laid - all except two were crushed. and no telling if the remaining one on the ground will survive this season of self and twinflame partner sabotage. i struggle to withhold contempt
...it is just to see it all as a movie, a quirky confucius proverb on the self fulfilling prophecy of those empty of many things, all things. i am fascinated how one such can fool others. my only clue is the art of projection. and i wake thinking to make calls, sound the alarm to others, not to change anything but to explain us not moving forward. the bad thing about all this is the association and folk thinking you blanked them too. no not so, just almost always in this place, the incompetent clueless ones are the heads of all shows and failure to shows. so bounce and ozy this is the scene. calls to come in time

and the only one i can appeal to is the mother on the other side. she knows. she has seen. she bears witness. she heard the denials, and knows my hands fruits were swiped, dismissed, as if non-existent...and is that silent spirit ancestor knowing not worth ten thousand misfits?

yeah. like that.
so half month july
half the moon tide wax
half way to the full moon
and that list written for manifestation
...hm
i havent the heart to revise it
it is what it is meant to be\
and i have not yet resolved if that is the best rationale for shit yet, or the highest form of zen mastery

selah

The Ongoing Vanguard and Vigil

this morning, when i woke up..i woke up brimming. wrote about it...titled...Highest Good: Thoughts, Self Talk and Words. i think after that as I made the bed, seem like spirit told me, or my self, or just internal instruction..."t0 light the candle". i did. i forgot about it. Just now entering the sanctuary, and realize candle still burning. having posted so much of Son of Baldwin's meditations, I now realize and believe why. at least part of the reason.

then as I was just minding turtle, Chavez, i come out reflecting on many of what Son of Baldwin wrote there...something i did not post...about apologists...and i thought, hm. it made me ponder forgiveness. i am not a forgiving person, i regret to say. So much of life tells you to be that.  But just that i have seen how much it is the people you forgive who will kill you, if not by dint o indifference, the sword, the word, deed  or murder, it happens. so is best not to forget  yourself and  your carriaged interests>

i dont now..but some how it tied in...I think, at this late stage learning about myself..and taking descriptors...i may also not be an Apologists. i dont seek to nor do I explain away the shit people do. and that infuriates a lot of people. cause people would like to casually and conveniently forget the shit they do you. under many guises and names and rationales. and i know i have done shit in my life. woi boy when i was young i was a piece of work. I often wish i could go back and apologize to those people i trampled. but the funny thing, now , i still do shit. this time i would like to think well. i would be rationalizing right? if i continued...but i think this rounds, i am more aware and conscious. and when i do fuckup, it is almost intentional. i am aware, i am doing x, i am refusing to do y, and this is my explanation to myself z. spoken only to myself and prepared to take and suffer the price and consequences...that might be the difference

cause you know what i know? i been at war for a long time, and perhaps from birth, and even before birth in marina's womb for all that she was going through; and definitely for all the women's lives in my parental lines, mainly, expressly among my paternal...and if not for them all, to be released of myriad curses and stories, then for myself...i am at war for my safety, wellbeing and sanity, and aint no body ever committed to that mission, sometimes not even me. of that i am clear and painfully aware.

so forgive me if I go about my business. i am learning, you dont get a second chance. hence my unforgiveness...i have always been intense and over serious. trying to lighten up but shit, there aint nothing light about the war people and women like me endure. so again, forgive me eh. forgive me, until you are ready to pay for the sufferations of generations and peoples and cultures before that arrived me here, forgive me eh forgive me
as i go about my business.

Highest Good: Thoughts, Self Talk and Words

 i think of Ganesh and the Removal of Obstacles ~



i had an interesting night.
slept about eight to nine hours
and my sleep now i realize, some of it, some nights, some hours are all conscious sleep where my brain is still thinking, viewing, working, while i am in some form of sleep, deep eye stability and closure. last night was like that.

i realized i think in words.  words and phrases appear to me in my brain. me seeing them is what instructs me what to do, what to write when i am awake  but the value of it to me today is that i see
'how my brain works' and understand that in the context of hateful people who tell me i speak too much - like chase. no one has ever told me that. but it might be true.

another thing i realized last night is that i wish for someone valuable, trustworthy and obeah to speak to. and i remembered when i had the thought how i mentioned it on fb to kola boof on a thread where she wrote of seeing a psychologist because of this zimmerman trial, and that was before the acquittal last night. so imagine what she is feeling and thinking this morning.

all night long, i went to bed because i was distressed and unhappy. i kept praying, calling out for help, from God, the Ancestors, Guides, my Self. and i remembered telling myself,  you only know one of them is here and exist so reach out there, to her, to me. and so i began. being aware of what i do. my thoughts, and so when ever i had thoughts of sadness, of chase's mistreatment, or the situation i find myself in; of what he might be doing or not doing, i stopped and brought my thoughts back to me. in the belief that all thoughts are vibrations and energy and support i chose and choose to support me and not lift anyone else up, least of all someone who seems so thoroughly dreadful in lack of loyalty, consideration and reciprocity. i am almost aghast to see how i have helped him in his mission to save his land if not stave off the repossession and this has been my thanks. but,

i am also learning and writing a lot about being zen. about accepting everything, resisting nothing and no one. not fighting, complaining, or arguing, cause there is no requirement or expectation that the animal person does anything other than what they do and choose. i just have no response, reaction or dysfunction. I stay stable. is the plan. I also am learning about release, and flow. i talked to myself of these things all night. i used creative visualization to see myself as a boabab tree and recalled the poem i wrote ages ago about women being trees of lebanon, as soon as i try to cite the poem, the type of tree leaves me...but i think that is then this is now, the call is for my core, back and abdomen to be stronger. for my trunk and torso to be totally immovable, so now, this season, the boabab

then during sleep i was trying to breathe. now i wonder if this was real or a dream, but i thought i was doing it. deep breaths, not shallow. i tried to think of what next and thought of the jobs i applied for: to be Skylar's nanny come September. and oh how life is repeating itself. i thought of my art and how i am not doing it. the thing i was told to do, the thing that could possibly keep my heart still. i thought yesterday while awake how my life has flipped 180 degrees. no longer running the streets in accompaniment to chase, how i have arrived back where i began. at home. in my room, on the computer, in front the tv. take heart. keep it moving and be grateful that i have at least that. i am grateful that i knew to take sleep than to keep myself in mental strife.

i also thought about parenting, and seeing how i am still very emotionally moved by circumstances outside myself, i realize i am not ready to parent, me now, at forty-eight after waiting so long out of fear and lack of opportunity and lack of a mate, and having talked about it for months with chase, i realize, i am not ready and dont need to have a child or children. i feel i would still be marking them. not showing them how to be transcended individuals, but full of angst, imbalance and fear. my issues with trust, and how it keeps coming up and is it because i dont trust myself because i make so many faux pas. why at this age am i going through this shit of smart confidence men? so what is it do i have to teach anyone? what is it? desperation for love, company? fun? companionship? it is not real. and i feel i am surrounded by sociopsychopathological characters, of varying degrees of sickness but the whole landscape is made of them so it is hard to make a distinction.and if you grew up with it see endless all women put up with it, you become inured to know, this is not acceptable. and then last night given my thinking in words and how i spend my days reading on the net, to be with someone who does not read. Madness

but this presumption of signs and wonders and mysticism and universal ancestral designation of us being together, i hold in suspension. i feel it is easy to take yourself down a rabbit hole with neither oxygen nor sight of exit


i am trying to think what else i thought of last night.

one thing is i believe i shall stay away from the farm and d'ruin. i dont plan to take part in any events in the future. we were supposed to be doing an all inclusive bus ride for emancipation. we have not moved on it. and when in the past i tried to keep chase on a path of our goals his response is i am pushing him. hell that is what you said you wanted mfr. a woman to help you along your aims and missions. the biggest thing was supposed to be my bob marley concert and fete, but i am done with that and him and any venture working with him. he is horrible, untenable.

and i took stock of experiences beyond now ...how it is i am constantly using other people's stuff to try to make my life and experiences if not fortunes. and how i am constantly trying to move people along as a placebo for my failure to move myself along. i need to stop that.. but one thing for sure, my life is rich for all that i do, get involved with, the range of people i engage and are exposed ...but when i take stock, i am not seeing much benefit beyond stating that. i have a rich life

all in all, the whole purpose of last night was to get over my despondency, to allay any depression and i feel that me and my smoking these last few weeks when i purchased my first pack of cigarettes, is a form of depression and boredom, i imagine.. and a reach to innure and drug/ even for a short hit my sadness with the smoking. i feel i awake up with some clarity and some effective steps to be successful

overall, last night and evening was a realization and its wall that i have been sad for awhile, but i was trying to be mature, grown up, and thinking if i just let someone else be who they want to be they will appreciate it enough to be kind.. not so. and what is the point of subjecting oneself to that level of self denial. and upon so unworthy an animal character. and what of my own...i write a lot of not blaming others for your personal mistakes. and i have had and shown no integrity, to go against my word, and my highest good...reminds me of a thought i had last night-- chase talks of the greatest good his action to reverse his engagement with me to be unkind, cold, unemotional, unaffectionate..and i thought- he would slash you and call it for the highest good- and that to me has to be the measure of a sociopsychopath-- and who are the women who find themselves in the lair of such males. ..something for me to google and relate- so i have failed in the caring and management of self, and so have no one to blame but only me to extricate.

and it is funny too because for this period of the waxing moon, on July 8 the New Moon, we were encouraged to write all that we wanted to manifest in this period of growth and expansion to the Full Moon. Half the things I wrote on there, dont need to be. and now i am in recall.

the highest truth of this writing, last night's experience and as i return to facebook and my news stream. i am reminded.. this is a very low time in the cosmos, across lands and waters. in the US is the zimmerman acquittal of a very guilty deplorable man in the murder of an innocent black boy. in child.  in trinidad it is the ends of the earth underworld endless stream of madness, thieves and corruption that passes for public life. and then, my personal circumstance. in addition we had a debacle of the guardian newspaper being bought and pocketed by the criminal elite and all women were the characters, the victims, the journalists, some who stayed  out of privilege and the darker ones who were left high and dry...and even now as I write, recognize how the agents were all male and the victims, females. the overall powerlessness of my beingness was palpable

towards forms of power, i recall in the dream, my thoughts during sleep trying to get to a dojo to become stronger. Don Jacob is the one I tried to reach. and i saw myself too...my hair was in extension braids, braided down to the end, with a deep side part. instructions all.

i think a next great step for me would be to braid my hair, Yoga, " Train, cleanse, eat well, and pray." 
#jijutsu don jacob

how does one link in effortlessly to a zeigeist? a quiet thought? 

Kathleen Wells:

"All black folks need to take mixed marital arts -- seriously."

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Ameerah C. Palacios Mba:

"In the midst of so much despair today because of the outcome of the George Zimmerman trial, ..."

Elizabeth Liberty:

"so much inflicted pain, such powerlessness"

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and what does what i went through last evening to last night have to do with the planets? the time and the season?

Just Channeling

Week Beginning 15th July 2013: Uranus Retrograde
An Inner Voyage for Outer Change

"This coming week is one of great significance as the Grand Trine in Water that’s been building for the past month and a half reaches exactitude mid-week (16th/17th) just as Uranus begins a five month retrograde journey back through Aries. I shall be writing more about the Grand Trine tomorrow, but today I want to draw attention to the coming six week period which promises to be a time of deeper anchoring for the energies of the new Aquarian Age.

As we all know, Uranus is currently in a lengthy square dance with Pluto, bringing about upheaval and change on a grand scale both personally and globally. There are peaks and troughs in their action but essentially, from 2012 through 2015, we’re in a profound time of shift during which any aspect of our life which no longer reflects or honours who we are, is being right royally sorted whether we like it or not. This to free up a vast energy source for the burgeoning new age. We are that energy source. It comes from inside us, out of the dark corners of our psyche where we have previously dared not look; it flows from the thoughts and emotions we have denied for so long, once they’re brought into the light of consciousness and finally embraced; it travels through us each time we act according to our inner voice and not the dictates and dogma of the external world. Uranus and Pluto are merely connecting us back into this energy circuit so we can conduct it more readily, now and in the future.

With that in mind, this turn about of Uranus at the time of the Grand Trine in Water is of particular significance. As the ruling planet of Aquarius, Uranus is ruler of our new age and is eager to get on with the job, not being prone to patience and all…However, as always when relying on human beings to play their part, it eventually has to wait up and let the rest of us catch up! Which is exactly what we’re going to be doing for the final half of this year, eased along with some considerable force in the coming six weeks. I say force but I mean encouragement, of course… it’s just that it’ll be the somewhat unremitting ‘won’t take no for an answer’ kind so characteristic of our friend Uranus.

When retrograde, Uranus pushes us back into ourselves, not to hide from and avoid the outside world, but to encounter and interact with our internal one. It reminds us that what we find ‘out there’ usually has its roots within us and until we can uncover those roots and do what needs to be done with them, we will forever experience ourselves as victims of life rather than its creators. Uranus is always eager to cut us loose and free, wanting only that we act with complete integrity in each moment of our lives, not once sacrificing authenticity in favour of acceptance and approval. But this is a tall order and one that we may struggle with on a daily basis for all kinds of reasons. Not least because we may be well aware that some or even many of our impulses are significantly problematic in the light of everyday life. Much as we may want to slap someone for being so ignorant/irritating/obstructive or just downright rude, doing so as an act of authenticity is probably not the best use of Uranian power…!

So as Uranus takes us on an inner voyage of discovery, it is precisely these issues that it begins to raise, asking us to contemplate how to do and be the lightening power of Uranus without striking dead all and everyone who crosses our path! It’s so vital we get to grips with this now. Emotions and feelings have been gaining strength and power of late as the Grand Trine in Water brings deep healing to this area of our lives, but in doing so it brings to our attention many of our less ‘acceptable’ aspects, those bits of us that we really DO NOT want to have to admit to, let alone deal with! Tough! We have to deal with them and now’s the time. We have to face the part of us that feels superior to others, smug in its rightness; the part of us that feels such deep anger it could kill; the bit of us that harbours unpleasant secrets we share with no one, ever. We have to face the fact that there are all kinds of impulses that live within us which forever remind us of just how ‘unacceptable’ we could be if we really let rip!

But in cahoots with Pluto, Uranus loves all these bits and particularly enjoys prodding and poking at them until we can’t ignore them a moment longer. Suddenly they’re right there: the anger and the jealousy, those judgemental thoughts and behaviours, violent impulses towards ourselves and others, addictions, obsessions… you know, all those things we don’t like to talk about, especially when we’re being ‘spiritual’! Well… Uranus wants us to talk about them, to own up, starting with owning up to ourselves. It wants us to know that this is part of being human and the shame which keeps these things hidden and denied is one of the most insidiously destructive forces in the universe. This shame has no place in our lives anymore. There is no room for it in the Aquarian Age. It’s a thing of the past and we need to ensure we leave it where it belongs.

Which is why, as the cosmos is so good to us, it has arranged not one but two Full Moons in Aquarius in the coming six weeks (22nd July and 21st August GMT). The advent of an astrological Blue Moon (the 2nd of two Full Moons in the same astrological sign) always augurs a powerful time in which we can bring into full consciousness aspects of ourselves and our lives which no longer serve our highest good. And with Uranus ruling these Moons we are presented, now, a wonderful opportunity to really dig deep at the first Full Moon in order to get all those creeping roots free at the second. Of course, as always, I’ll be writing more about this nearer the time, but I wanted to give you a heads-up now so you know what’s on the horizon.

This is a challenging road ahead, a powerful one. It has many peaks and troughs as it winds onwards into our future. We are walking it together, each with our own load that we need to shed as we go. My issues may be different to yours but they’re issues none the less and the more we can each accept the other for what we are, in all our flawed humanity, the better able we will be to recognise and respond to the bright potential that lives at the heart of each one of us.

With love to everyone."

~ Sarah Varcas
www.astro-awakenings.co.uk