Christmas Just Before August

i may and do have these wonderful pockets of joy
like last night, painting in the company of three others
coming up with yet another brilliant idea for trinidad
yet no money, backers, friends or financiers

someone called me "like christmas" last night
which tickled me all the more
and another quipped, 'yeah, but those so come with tantrums"
i laughed. hearing my light happiness fill the night patio in the hills
leaving me to wonder, if that is true and recalling exchanges that would be so characterized

we all in our own worlds, separate and collective
all of us cosmos away from debates and frauds for leaders
no politics, no interest, a different world and place for other creatures
we might as well not have been in trinidad,
though we be in the center of port of spain
for us, all that existed were each other, the canvas, chatter and introductions
of old friends

it was refreshing

but prior to getting there i had one of those exchanges by writing where someone's veneer of decency falls of, melts like a dali , dripping candle wax.
and i wake up this morning not thinking so much of the fun of the evening
but asking myself where am  i going, how am i positioning myself in relation to these people who with no prodding or effort can be brutal savages.
the tongue and mind is indeed a mighty sword

it reminds me of that thread i posted to my page yesterday of black trinidadians excoriating racism to other black trinis that brought me to tears
so you see in one day the encounters of joy are not outnumbered by cruelty and ugliness. and it is okay, it is what it is, I am just deciding to stay away from the latter as much as possible

pockets of joy: coming home and washing my locs with aveeno and remembering the generosity of quianna. i think forever i wish that to be my shampoo. what indulgence

i need to stay around softness, viscose, molasses
cocoabutter, coconut oil and lavender vanilla calming comfort lotion
i need to stay away from coarseness, i dont need anymore, i have enough
and need to finish what i have remaining
i need to get to people who can uplift me in beauty
not show me any more underbelly ugly
 no more persons carried on and by the changing winds

i need to lock myself up in an indonesian timber platform
surrounded by forests
and just a gong to keep heartbeat

i wake up thinking of things overrated
like mark's member when there is no travel, activity or conversations
i think of the savagery of the someone yesterday, one totally flaccid
and it occurs to me the ugly bringing are the ones with unworking parts and other severe insecurities and deformities . all is not well in the scenes they paint for us

i am trying to make sense and knit a fabric from dichotomous fraying cotton the idea/
ha! i realize my writing and posts of such varied aspects, disconnected lines, circle snd embedded images is just like a leroy clarke painting. art in words. can you make something beautiful from disparate words, sentences and phrases, that apart from content, the structure is notable?

i will just put all this on the shelf.
it is like taking out items and ingredients to try and bake something,
you amass the elements on the island
you stand staring at it, musing how to integrate it
what would make the best tasting item
and do we make a dessert, a savory?
for breakfast or dinner
or anytime snack for anybody?
and find you are not up to the task
and set about returning all items to shelves and cupboards
never a sign that you were even in the kitchen

that is what this post is about

CeciLion, Zimbabwe and African NonLives

Tim Wise

"Clearly that dentist who killed Cecil the Lion misread the memo from George Zimmerman and the Cleveland/Staten Island//etc police: it's African Americans not African Lions that you can kill without consequence."

it really is amazing to see how much black lives dont matter.
how zero value it is to other humans, the white dominant and establishment.

you have a good many people, at least 50K, globally signing petitions for him to be extradited to zimbabwe, calling for the destruction of his clinic, suggesting the hunting of a lion killer. and not one of these people has ever called for the prosecution of the man who have hunted, murdered and shot on sight black people, be they male or female. i am struck by that/
wondering what to do about that/ what can be done/ smh.

who on the national landscape will start this discussion, to hold up this mirror?

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Shame-Lion-Killer-Dr-Walter-Palmer-and-River-Bluff-Dental/478622992305703?fref=ts

http://www.thepetitionsite.com/821/738/351/demand-justice-for-cecil-the-lion-in-zimbambwe/

http://petitions.moveon.org/sign/extradite-walter-j-palmer.fb50?source=s.fb&r_by=5698762

Racism in Movement

Elise Alexander: "So then you just differentiating between violent and nonviolent... That said nonviolent crime often trigger complex social problems sometimes with violent impact so I still prefer to treat all seriously"

what I wrote on my own post about a half an hour prior, on an entirely different topic, and relating to a woman in passionate embrace with a skeleton:

{ would you believe i determined that a whitish chinese trini real estate agent at massy, her name is maria, blanked me having showed me a property for sale. once i organized my bank connections, i wrote her again, two months later telling her I would like to move forward, she tells me it is sold. last night, i ran into the former resident. he tells me it is still available, and we were with his close friend who had already told me the sign on the property is still up. I have no choice and no factor to point to other than the fact that I am a black chick with dreadlocks. so now i am forced to find some underhanded means to get what i want and need, to move my life along.

do you see the aegis of shit behavior, unethical means, and maybe even sneaky movements. just because of the ugly people start with. always be mindful of that. when you see 'minorities' doing what they need to to get ahead, the illegal vendors, the sidewalk builders, i dont know, there would be fair and egregious examples, just ask yourself what were they denied by whom that led them to take the action we now find distasteful.}

what i shared to Elise upon reading her comment:

{I literally Just wrote on that...about a real estate agent blanking me on a property for sale, telling me it is sold after i viewed it, and went and got my bank stuff in order, called to proceed and she says it is gone. that was about a month ago. the first encounter, two months. when last evening the previous resident tells me it is not sold, and his friend, our mutual indicates the sign is still up on the property..and i wrote when you see people getting sneaky, having to resort to unethical means, or subterfuge of some kind, or even getting to illegality like illegal vendors, or people building without permissions...ask and wonder who denied them the simplest of things that barriers their moving forward in their lives. I may use simplistic wrong examples but understand the greater point. how acts that seem obnoxious but innocuous, are NOT> and no telling what it might unfold to. I thought this was profound cause it is literally how racism against black people works. having the power to stop them from moving forward. you cant be a racist if you are not holding and withholding something sought after. anyway, you get my point. thanks for writing that reinforcement. funny eh?}

i thought this was valuable to highlight on its own
something about the dynamics of withholding, the dynamics, patterns and practices of racism in movement. the impact to people's lives and vibrations. the outworking , circular and cumulative causation to various choices of those independent of us, how others affect our lives. how people decide who moves forward, when and how. and most of all, always, the possible seeds of illegality, criminality, and maybe sometimes, self- and other-annihilation. cause what if i looked to retaliate.

a million human stories and options in just one incident. by one self, or in tandem to another

YOU

you fb people who no longer engage and share friendship on the pages and profiles, but as soon as you need something done outside virtual, you show up. i said i would try to stop curshing* crushing*, but you can imagine the two word suggestion.

but a thought woke me up. i was thinking of my longest friend here in trinidad. and i dont know why, the specific thought was the few times he has told me about myself or reminded me of my previous incarnations before my current standing,  energy, character, verve. and i thought how interminably valuable to have that...someone who can tell you who you were, before life got a hold. before it *** you up.
and then you know what i thought? I thought of this place trinidad. and i got an epiphany. wondering thinking about who would know about that kind of trauma, the experience of this place taking your energy, your excitement, your joy to do something valuable in the landscape, a time of yourself when everything was promised, everything is possible, and you are merely marching your way to it. a time of yourself before you were crushed and chewed up/ broken.

and then there was this:






 If you dont know anyone in your life with that experience. and if you had the means to stop and or reverse such a trend, pattern, and fix that person's circumstance, You my friend are part of the problem in this country. And I cant think of any circumstance in which exceptions apply

this place only works by the failure of many others. and this is so because most fo the people succeeding are the true failures, the true weaklings, weak links, the treacherous and irrelevant, but had the money and connections to attain position, power, money. and they are just as vacuous with all of that as they would be without. and not nary one is doing anything meaningful for the nation, just taking and on the fattening program/

a series of thoughts in a short space of time

"if you dont know people whose life this place has destroyed, you are the problem"

good morning

Esther Armah's Emotional Justice

Esther Armah

 

‪#‎SandraBland‬. Fear Masquerading as Opinion, This Most Toxic Masculinity
Words. Her tone. She did sound irritated. Why didn't she just put out her cigarette? Who talks back to a cop like that? Some Black men on social media pages standing on broken hearts, dripping judgment, criticism, respectability politics all over Sandra Bland's barely buried black woman body. Wagging toxic masculinity fingers' in sisters' faces via their threads; lecturing, hectoring, censuring. And we ask you to stop. You don't. We ask again. You insist. We remind you of the issue, not your ego. You keep going. Even in grief, we reach for you with kind words. You won't stop. We get mad. You chastize. Why can't you just say you're scared? That you have no idea what to do. What would it mean to say you're scared? You don't know how to be kind when you're scared. You don't know how to be loving when you feel paralyzed. So, be silent. But be here. We should be in this together. Stand beside us if you are unable to comfort us or yourself. But you don't. You enter threads with 'I'm just offering my opinion'. You're not, you're lying. And you're hurting us. Doing this dance of 'she should have' when the single soundtrack is of black women's tears, is painful. You're taking up space where tears are being shed. You're practicing that worst trait of this most toxic masculinity - the expectation that broken hearts, stunned minds, illiterate with trauma and grief should abandon every fibre of feeling in bruised spirits and molested souls and listen to your poison, tend to your wack ass, acknowledge you are right. Stand the fuck down. ‪#‎emotionaljustice‬

NOVoteSpoilABallotTT

 What if the NoVoteSpoilABallotTT Movement was housed in the Audrey Jeffers

"I want to launch a NoVote Campaign for the 2015 Election. I need to find someone to create a phone app And your company can run the campaign, the advertising, create the messaging, direct the usage of the app? Do you think you can find someone creative and competent to make the app asap?? I would also launch a crowdfunding project with NoVote.

Is this something you would be involved with? Things have a way of happening. Let me know please Thanks"I am submitting the following officially:

A request for proposal from ... as to how the company will undertake this project, outlining its capacity and or challenges to fulfill the following under immediate timeline. All facets up and running asap, preferably, if not a bit impossible by August 8, 2015:
 [NOVote2015] [SpoilABallot2015]The Choice Between Two Bad Options is No Option, No Choice, No Vote: Independent Citizen Empowerment

1. Create a national /international crowdfunding initiative for this project, inclusive of:a. bank accountsb.credit card depositsc. operational fundd. contributions by supporters, citizens and financiers

e. distinct from big financiers, funders. this is small money contributions, but no limit

The crowdfunding project requires its own launch and operation as a direct and effectually focused runSomeone may need to man, monitor and manage this with great intensity2. Create a Phone App: Digicel , bmobilea. integrated to each otherb. integrated to a computer model and program that constantly updatesc. integrated with a website for registrants

d. organize and plan for execution, integration, system with digicel and bmobile companies

3. Create a Computer Model and Programa. collects, collates ,constructs no vote registrants
b. collates and analyzes numbers and data sets by regions. constituents, demographics, citizens4. Create a Website for the NoVoteTT2015 SpoilABallot2015 Campaigna. integrates votesb. counts registrantsc. assign registrant numbersd. integrates computer model and programe. integrates phone apps from digicel and bmobile5. Create Social Media Presence for  NoVoteTT2015 SpoilABallot2015 Campaigna. Facebookb. Twitterc. Blogd. Registrants Instagrame. GoodReads - Reference Reading on Citizen Empowerment6. Create a Marketing Campaign for NoVoteTT2015 SpoilABallot2015 Campaigna. National Coverb. National Educational Inform Information Campaignc. Advertising:    i. Papers: Guardian, Newsday, Express, Sunshine   ii. Radio, Talk Shows, Music  iii. TV: All Channels: Prime Spots and Shows:

d. Public Education - Public Service Announcements during Evening News

e. Design:

    i. Logo

   ii. Products for sale:

      ~ bags/totes

      ~ mugs

      ~ metal vehicle decals

     ~ magnets

      ~ memory sticks

     ~ neck chains (key and card holders)

7. Art Exhibit NoVoteTT2015 SpoilABallot2015 Campaign

a. Open Call to All National Artists

b. Darren Trinity Cheewah

c. National Murals

d. Installations

     i Joyvay Ayiti, Dominican Republic

e. Protest Fashion and Designs

8. Possible Need for a Space: Office/Command Control/Warehouse/Multiple Use Site

a. Acquisition

b. Set up

9. Identify and Pursue possible funders, financiers, contributions for NoVoteTT2015 SpoilABallot2015 Campaign

a. Keya Marketing will get a gratuity

b. all referrals to funders get a gratuity

c. huge contributions intended .

d. development of endowment

------------------------------------------------------------

Updates:

1. Remove 2015 on the signature and title

NoVoteSpoilABallotTT Campaign

 Suggestions:
"


1.  Petition Credit Unions
2.  Market/Sell Advertising Space to Corporate Trinidad
3.  Buy the Audrey Jeffers House

















Questions:

Q  QD

the question will be what will be done with the no votes accumulated.

A:

that is why i need an app and a computer program. to tally and verify. after the election, the number of novotes can be tallied and verified. what we do is dependent on the magnitude of votes but if it is big enough, we can challenge the constitution and stop the automatic run of default governing. the party who thinks they won may not be able to just take seat. they may be forced to give the segment seats or independents or something it depends on how brave we want to be on the small end, we can organize community level projects . it is all about citizen empowerment at various means and an intended movement i very much have that in mind. It is not just no vote. we doing something with those people, both nationally, government wise, constitutionally if not reform or rewriting, and community level, ultimately it is a national social political movement of citizen empowerment citizen social political government empowerment movement

                                                                          

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 

"That Life"

Adrian R Vidale: "That life ain't for everyone..."

 

i arrive and am confronted with this statement. i tried to move on but it stays with me. i return to its words. that life aint for everyone...well. i wake up thinking about 'that life' and how i and we handled a situation incorrectly. it was the thick rain that impressed me and reminded me this was the conditions i envisioned that i knew i did not want to be trudging in. i was fearful of travelling in the envisioned flooded south quay so i wanted an office in my neighborhood. then it hit me: we/i messed up that interaction. as part of my package, the $15K a month, i could have tabled getting my vehicle fixed. but everything went haywire with this hippo of a mental case. going good for years, and for months, and then one day decides to switch off. then sends bullies of differing degrees to me. so i realize 'that life' aint for everybody..

the life of dealing with any and everybody, i cant do it. i might be a fool for it, but i cant contend. i cant subject myself to all, sundry and anything, vibration is very important. look even me, after i agreed to move forward, being in this person's presence a few times, i realized I was greatly challenged. just like being around a ball of poison lumbering.

'that life' doing anything for money. that too is a challenge for me. i and the activity must be righteous. i even realize when i say we messed up, had i been able to wrangle that bull by the horns, perhaps i could have rewrite my role, or present another configuration, and not be another rabid writer.. but at the same time, I know i am sitting here thinking, i handled it wrong, but i know we dont live and navigate a situation by ourselves. it is always influenced by the other players and their intent. and look, something as simple as, if the ugly basketball head did not want to deal with me anymore, I certainly wasnt dealing with anyone else, let a lone a runaway patriarchal blowhard ass who believes everybody is one of his children./ i will never forget he told me i am trying to help you keep this job, and what problem do i have with my name if i dont have any money. i dont think i will ever forget that line. the chasm like the grand canyon that exists between me and most. "that life" that they dont know that i know i am not throwing away, and certainly for not so cheaply. so we have ideas, we wake up with them, but things are far more complex.

it is peculiar to me though
the constant balancing and processing of what ;that life; we wish to live

regularly now i am impressed by the mind numbing effects of living the same week repeatedly. and i wonder how do others contend. but i know it is their chasing the next distraction and the mighty dollar to pay a rent

;that life; i know not for everybody, and plenty of it not for me
nevertheless, i constantly wonder what i left on various tables

so i am still broke,. my car remains down. and i am out of circulation.

 i also have to remember I am Oya, come to mash up and clean even my and mine

Guest Writing from 2004, MakembaKunle

Choices, by Makemba Kunle, 2004

"In making choices in life, men are mostly guided by passions and animal instincts, sometimes one and the same, after which he strives to invent reasons for his choices. The sex drive is one of his major propellants and very often when that dries up, so does everything else, then he's ready to lay down and die. No matter his age, he'd still rather the feel of a round bottom under his fingers as he passes his hand on young flesh, than an intellectual discussion with a PhD from UWI.

Power: for the male, power is a cockstand. I cant talk for women. Love: that is a question of emotion. Money: feelings of anxiety, inadequacy and impotence. Reason: an excuse for acting the way you do, something to put the blame on, or else you'd just be another idiot doing things without thinking them through. For instance, it have a reason why she get slap. She disrespecting mih, and as a man i not taking that from no woman.

No, you make up a reason to mask the real reason, that you naturally mean--spirited and have a lot of hate. You are jealous and envious, and like a child, always want to have your own way and to hell with everybody else; and slapping a woman who you know is better than yourself, makes you feel good and still superior."

Joseph of Chalices

The Chalice, MakembaKunle



a new marker

stress, unhappiness and striving
will. WILL. burn your brain cells
will fuck you up
will twist your mental mechanism

i left the house with a pot of tea on the stove, heating it to kill ants that invaded it
on top of the toaster oven. did so while i was closing up the house to go out
i swear to you from the kitchen to the back door is nothing more than five paces, five steps. and between putting it on the burner, and reaching the door. i forgot it was there.

(bows head)

the saving grace:
the pot was a stainless steel long time, like seventy year old tea pot.
nothing to ignite, just conducting heat. and it was on high

i was gone for two hours

i need someone to trail me
when stuff like that happens, you no longer trust yourself
and i need to tell you, me, that i was noticing the erosion of memory and skills long time: i am no longer faultless in spelling when i used to be.  i never had a good memory let my girlfriend debbie tell it, she would be reminding me of someone from college and i have no earthly recall of the incident, faces or names. i have reached.

that was part a 1 of the evening'

part b2.
i got a painting for my birthday this evening. five months after the fact, no announcement and it is called the chalice. selected for me when i had the option to chose one or get a portrait, i opted for a third choice. i can get the portrait next year. so apropos. chalices are significant to me for all they symbolize. the holy grail. the search of king arthur. the special goblet at the table, the promise of all things to come.

it was when i returned home to hang the painting did i discover the burning tea pot.

the burning tea pot. my first book is titled ant bites. i think burning tea pot has some stories to tell

part c3
so i go to lime with my compere in tow, or i in tow.
and we are talking, of what now i no longer remember
an associate enters, i know she is with two others, another man and woman
when the man approaches, i watch him he watches me,
it is my brother
my father;s first son.
joseph
i got so tizic. nervous. my hands shake, i can feel my spine get unstable
rattling almost. and if you ask me why i cant tell you

but joseph looks just like carl
carl hawked and spit him up/ everything
mouth, nose, eyes, skin tone, teeth formation, mannerism, speech . everything
joseph did not grow up with us. he is two years older than i
and from another mother

i cant tell you the conversation
i was just happy to have a trusted friend present as witness'
i dont talk about where i came from' who i came from, the money
the disinheritance, the treachery, the brokenheartedness, or do i.
my brother did it all for me tonight

it was good to feel that comraderie
it was good to find myself in another

someone knows of what i would speak
we have the same stories
well my stories post 1988
to hear him speak of the death of our little brother
and to see his tears
it was kind of something i need to go back to
it is like he is more scarred than i am
being the outside looking in child
he said to my friend, i  would not lie to tell you
not for me, but to see my sister
she have no right to be on the outside
suffering striving

it was wild
two women came out to lime with a friend
they bought drinks
he never got to their table

all the while i spoke to him
i had the dream, that i was no longer alone
but at the same time...knowing...

you never know

part d4

i go to my second home to eat.
hadnt eaten since 11. a breakfast sandwich
then we went out for our patos

he meets his school friend
they talk
he leaves me because more of my inside people show up
his friend and neighbor asks him: "you leaving her amongst all these wolves"
i thought that was telling on many levels

they start talking politics, this indian man'
hear name: umricka dass
a contractor at powergen, tells us he is megawatt on millions'
he not on box drains. the man said that

so he asks me why am i....
he says it is a signifier of things i do not have in my life, wanting
i thought that was poignant
i tell him because of stress
{like leaving a tea pot on high fire with not nary a remembrance}
i tell him i have not worked in five years' '

his response?
this man who can tell us his vibration is not box drains'
looks at me in my soigne hair up
skirt and top with  sparkles
i could go work in kfc
i have no idea why i did not cuss him
but it was profound to me

it showed me how these fuckers view people
based on their lens
and how they judge where you belong, what is your station and vibration'
they can be the nicest appearing'
but the blood from their words is dripping

he is no mr. box drain
but i am kfc'
racist bitch muther fkr
i bet he would never look at any of his brainless daughters
not even of athletic form
and assign them such

beware
when racists try to befriend you

so now i am home
wetting plants at one o;clock in the morning

smile. candid camera

part e 5

i get inside
and think of my mother talking to me of "my lifestyle"'
no hours, total freedom, bohemian

give thanks

Politics of Perspectives

i have a phd in development economics from michigan state university. apart from economics, i have tertiary level training in agriculture, food production, security and animal science/nutrition/husbandry. i have specialties in policy, institutional economics and human behavior, human capacity building, rural development, research, statistics and modelling, data collection, and nonprofit management. i am also a published writer, researcher; strategist, and business management consultant and entrepreneurship coach.

i have been in trinidad since 2003. the pnm was in power. I was unemployed for about three years before i got a job. while pnm was in power. since the unc in power, i have been unemployed right through since 2010, save the odd short stint., one of which was writing the national entrepreneurship program for women for the ministry of labor in 2011..

mind that in the context of all the fake degrees, copied phds, and secretaries hired to lead agencies and be vicepresidents and other leadership positions of state operations in the last five years.

it is black people in the public service who have withheld my gratuity from the one biggest employment contract i had. i realize i need to distinguish between black african and black indian, cause all a dem/.we black in this country...black africans who have altered paperwork of my contract, despite my receipts, bank accounts and pay slips...no employment, no gratuity

we have systemic problems in this country, apart from ethnicity and racist clan processes.and ask me if i can get a lawyer independent enough to pursue my interest to eat and shelter myself.

the enterprise is criminal from top to bottom

Khalifa's Jendayi Chinese

Jendayi Rukiya Akanke

A rant on ‘Indian’, ‘African’, ‘Chinese’, politics and scholarships in Trinbago

Early last month, I went to a Chinese restaurant in Chaguanas. The experience lit up my day and this is a sketch I did of the scene. There was an old Chinese man and woman, who both said ‘Hi’, two little children, a woman about my age behind the counter, and a man about my age in the back cooking. The old man guided me to the menu, chatted a bit with me, and then continued looking at the two children playing. As I was ordering food, an Indian lady walked in (she, from what I subsequently gathered, seemed to be a neighbour). The old woman, who was sweeping, lit up and said ‘hello!’ The lady behind the counter, who apparently knew the Indian lady, chatted with her about life as she ordered food. I sat waiting on my order, whilst watching the children play and the old lady sweep. They all had Chinese accents, and were all very friendly.

They weren’t the ‘standoffish’, ‘selfish’, ‘unfriendly’, ‘gross’ people who ‘don’t belong here’ that so many Trinis are describing all Chinese/mixed Chinese people as now. They too, like all of us, have a right to want the best for themselves and to work hard to provide for their families. They too shouldn’t have to put up with verbal and physical assaults on their character. They too are human. Certainly life isn’t fair, certainly we may face various challenges based on our circumstance or even skin colour, but the challenges we face aren’t fixed by bullying others… there’s enough success to go around. We don’t have to bully and push others down to rise up. We all rise when we can celebrate eachothers’ beauty and success. I’m so happy that Andrea Cwh-Coutain’s and Lily Kwok’s photos and comments about their experience as Trini Chinese went as viral as it did… I’m happy that many of us are standing with each other against racism and bigotry.

But this idea that the only way to ensure our own success is by bullying and belittling others isn’t something new or limited to how many of us have been interacting with Chinese now and over the years. It permeates our politics and the way we talk about many issues in our country. For example, on numerous occasions, since beginning my campaign to raise funds for my PhD, I’ve been asked by Afro-Trinis from all walks of life, “Yuh know why yuh didn’t get a scholarship from the government right? It’s because yuh African. UNC only giving scholarships to Indian. Try again next year when the PNM in power and you’ll definitely get a scholarship!” Sometimes added to these comments is “Dem Indian dem racist/evil/selfish” or “Dise why is to vote PNM”.

But if it’s so certain that if the PNM wins, I’ll get a scholarship, does that now mean that many Indians who apply for scholarships, if the PNM wins, will be unlikely to secure one? Would it really be right for the 'PNM to favour Africans' for scholarships, but wrong if the ‘UNC favours Indians’? Why is it so easy for many Afro-Trinis to think that the PNM is 'fair', but the UNC is just purely 'racist'? and Why is it so easy for many Indo-Trinis to think that the UNC is 'fair', but the PNM is just purely 'racist?' Now, I’m not saying that either party is or isn’t racist, but I imagine that the fear some Africans often express in closed quarters about ‘dem racist Indians in de UNC, or in general, only favouring their own’, is a similar fear held by some Indians in closed quarters about ‘dem racist Africans in de PNM, or in general, only favouring their own’. I’ve heard the same type of talk from some Indian folks before when I was in secondary school, and I know that the level of racial fear/hate goes both ways. If the awarding of scholarships, contracts, positions, etc is racially motivated, it’s wrong from both sides. I take it that I didn’t get a scholarship because I didn’t meet the criteria. Maybe there are other reasons, I won’t put my head in the sand and pretend institutional racism doesn’t permeate our politics… but I did get a scholarship from the ‘Indian’ government for my MPhil. Yes, I did get that scholarship late and so had to withdraw and reapply to Cambridge. Yes, I did fight before eventually being awarded that scholarship: I spoke to my MP (who was a government minister), as well as two other government ministers, the Chaguanas Borough Corporation, the Mayor and I also wrote to the Prime Minister… but at the end of the day, my government gave me a scholarship. There’s so much more to solving problems than casting hate and fear onto any one group in an effort to feel/be empowered.

I love our country. I love our diversity. I love that we accomplish great things when we work together. We need to understand and appreciate that we’ll be the great nation that we can be when we appreciate that we don’t need to bully and suppress each other to get ahead. We need to appreciate that we’re not the only ones who feel and are victimised and fearful… and we need to talk our issues out with each other, not hide behind veils of false smiles, corruption, politeness and backstabbing. We’ve got a long way to go… and I think we’ll get there much faster when we stop stereotyping each other, generalising about each other, be sincerely honest with each other and remember what Sesame Street says: cooperation makes it happen, cooperation, working together.

.....

MarkAndre: LustLove and Dancing Oya in Barataria

{i am not here to fight or frighten you; i am just here for us to feel together}

i had the recognition that when men meet someone they connect with , the are both equally enthralled and afraid and for a segment of them, they literally close up and in through a series of caves, doors, glass..just imagine a man retreating on one of those movie person movers, going backwards, and through a series of thresholds, doors close, you might be able to see through them a shadow or a form, but they all obscure and the process gives distance. i wake up and realize that process in hindsight. with one person i saw it as if it was a movie, a dark indian stocky guy i danced with one christmas two years ago. i remember it cause i remembered him asking me about something i told him once when we limed together and i could nto remember what he was telling me or what i said, and it just occurred to me that man i dont think shared anything about himself, just a one sided testimony i remember, and i only remember cause of the recent conversation where i couldnt.

the first statement occurred to me as something i wish i could tell my ex? lover? one of those things where I have no idea where this is going. if it is dead never to return. or if i am to believe my freewill astrology that is telling me to piece together the broken pieces, it will be far superior than it was before. how bizarre.

"Oracle card Aquarius (January 20-February 19) Horoscope for week of July 16, 2015

In Margaret Mitchell's novel Gone with the Wind, Rhett Butler delivers the following speech to Scarlett O'Hara: "I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. What is broken is broken -- and I'd rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken places as long as I lived." Your oracle for the near future, Aquarius, is to adopt an approach that is the exact opposite of Rhett Butler's. Patiently gather the broken fragments and glue them together again. I predict that the result will not only be as good as new; it will be better. That's right: The mended version will be superior to the original. "

for things you are to walk away and never turn back, i make circles, give pauses, as if i want to return to have conversations we never had, confused between my head and my heart, and the risk and damage to both, more and limb if i make the wrong decision.. my spirit tells me make no decision, take no moves, do nothing. let him declare from his cowardice. i think i surmise it may never happen then. and that is okay. dont they say peace is about not ever wishing, hoping or regretting that things would be any different. and we do that contrary to the characters involved. things happen the way they do because of the characters involved.

ah. the other thing...i thought how cruel life can be.
i have a friend who is pretty damn good to me. provides and shares with me when he has of the little he has, always. loves me to pieces, i think, and even if not, acts like it. he would want nothing more than to be involved with me, but, i have this rule for this small space trinidad...i am not dealing with anyone where everyone else has been involved with. i find this place obnoxious in its incestuousness..the amount of friends and associates who have been with and slept with the same partners..but more than that, i have zero attraction to this man. none. not if he was the last man on earth, and i wake up thinking, why couldnt he have been like my lover, his physicality and appearance, and give my lover, not his character, but his practices, cause the other thing is that my friend has no character i would ever want to be associated with. he has no back bone. i remember the spike lee movie, she has got to have it, a spin on not finding the one man that pleases you so you have a series to get all the pieces. that is tedious and almost impossible in a place like trinidad, at least thus far

which brings me to the other thought i had this morning
i think i might be a bull in a china shop...meaning, i think i dont yet comprehend or even circumspect my strength, energy,  a power that i think others see, sense and feel that i merely move, talk, shift, breathe and exists, swipes others as if it was my hind quarter brushing them, or my hoof stepping on their new all white nike kicks, or knocking over their very carefully structured display cases of trinkets that is just empty koschks* to me. i dont see my self through the others' eyes, through the eyes of others and i think there are real risks of that, benefits, yes, i imagine, but grave danger and missteps/ this occurred to me as i processed the line that came to me that i wrote first above at the beginning...me, realizing things in hindsight. {i am not here to fight or frighten you; i am just here for us to feel together}

i wish i can be jarayed every morning  when i awake.

note: this is a bad piece of writing, disconnected, disjointed, bad grammar, bad connections, but yet, nineteen people reading it. july 20, 2015

Sacred Feminine Wombmyn

Divine Claiborne's Ghanian Akan Esi


i am not a feminist
i am just not broken, no parts missing, groveling and graveling for a male to complete me.
i am not a feminist
i am just not a female who spent wiles and time trying to manipulate a man to marry me
i am not a feminist
i just did not trap any man by my motherhood and hating him for choosing not to be present

but i am a feminist
cause i regale in my full femininity , some who call me feminist have said that i am pretty
but i am a feminist
cause my dad raised me
i am a feminist because my dad did not raise me to be pretty, but to be smart, talented, competent and self sufficient, content in my own skin and i wear it beautifully, magnificently

i am a feminist
cause most other females cant light a candle near me
the skills and talents i have
to build a house, magnify every room, complete for all corners
and to make you comfortable too
i do plumbing
my own

i am not a feminist, but i am a feminist
cause i transcend every possible frame of femaleness, womanhood
far exceeding the other girls that you know. i wasnt even a girl before my menses

i am not a feminist, just a sacred feminine
a goddess priestess in the flesh
conforming to zero notion on this planet

so you get the point
i am human far surpassing your lame weak labels
now sit the fuck down you got your woman coming to bend your preferences and movements

I am not a feminist. but i am.
I am Merely Magnificently and Marvelously, Wombmyn!


I'm reminded of Sojourner Truth's "Ain't I a Woman?" speech:
"... That man over there says that women need to be helped into carriages, and lifted over ditches, and to have the best place everywhere. Nobody ever helps me into carriages, or over mud-puddles, or gives me any best place! And ain't I a woman? Look at me! Look at my arm! I have ploughed and planted, and gathered into barns, and no man could head me! And ain't I a woman? I could work as much and eat as much as a man - when I could get it - and bear the lash as well! And ain't I a woman? I have borne thirteen children, and seen most all sold off to slavery, and when I cried out with my mother's grief, none but Jesus heard me! And ain't I a woman?"

-----------------

this is what women who look like feminist do

"She made broken look beautiful and strong look invincible. She walked with the Universe on her shoulders and made it look like a pair of wings." -Ariana

-----------------
I am not a feminist, I am a unicorn

Damaged Beyond Repair, Double Entendre

Monday, July 13, 2015

i posted this article yesterday. but today i have new thoughts.
Deborrah Cooper:
"In case you think some dude hounding you for butt sex is something you need to respond positively to. And if he should do it by force, understand the risks and the fact that even though you are "in a relationship" or even married, you have been raped."

today i consider and try to integrate the following:
"The Politics of Sex" and, "The Gender Politics of Sex", and, "The Male Female Politics and Politricks of Sex" AND
the caribbean song from last year, "kick in she back door"
i knew we were sick when that song came out. in the context of this article, i realize how extremely so. when we regale, celebrate and dance to rape, sexual subjugation (cause what else is happening when you can and have and told to 'kick in" "she" "back door". and the whole place was dancing to it.. and, I dont recall not one feminist raising a stink about it, or did I just miss it, I was in the backroom, wrong room, not invited to the talk kind of thing.
stuff keeps revealing and unraveling.
(I have some more things to say on this, but i will hold it, I have not yet gotten there)

---------------

Sunday, July 12, 2015

so today sex, power, control, and sociopathology is the rage and on mega posts and postings.
integrate the following:
anal sex. christian submission of married women to marital rape (yes, i just saw the article). and bill cosby's drugging pops and his wife camille saying that the women agreed to sex and drugs. (i saw that article too). but here one of our locals, a friend of yours. in all glory:
Gerard Llanos : "Richard u really beleive those women didnt go to the man place knowing some piggy was involved....he mistreated them for some unknown reason but im sure he didnt force ludes down their throat or slip it in their drink. If he did he would havebeen in prison since the 70s.... The truth is somewhere between this and what the women allege."
i am going to find a cave and never come out.
y'all mfers are dangerous. walking round normal normel. and waiting to host and harvest your madness.

-------------------

Sunday, July 12m 2015


wow
I was thoroughly engrossed by this article i was not going to repost but you all do you do/ i know. i am getting to the point where I am just staying away from beasts and others appearing people and or humanormal
then it makes you wonder eh...the next article written by this author needs to integrate women's sudden penchant to have asses the size of planets/and killing and poisoning their bodies with such injections

jesus lift me up and out. light the merkaba. these not my people/
no body should wreck their rectum or anus or any part of a body to discomfort and deformity.. i say so.

 ------------------------

Sunday July 12, 2015

  i am not remembering where i saw it but thought it has to be news, in the last two days or so and it was predominantly implied that it was white folk, but the story was women are pretty much being 'raped' but the word was never used, the story was they were not giving consent, many were not asked. that "they were put in situations (Read poses) in which they were compromised (inserted)..talked of the pain and impact. It has been on my mind ever since.

I felt i was listening to a pandemic that did not want to be declared. Now this.

and i know for myself it is and has become a growing trend. and at the beginning when it was presented to my consciousness I did wonder who would allow and participate in this because, prudishness aside, this fucks up your body's system to eliminate, stay healthy and function. And i is a woman i love my bowel movements. so I eh know I really eh know. but that report i heard was deep. it was like there is sex, which has its own historic trials and challenges. and now there is anal sex.

and at the beginning also it was said that men who like this was because they got into it in prison contexts. i have no idea what to make of it now. I would love to know what makes people find this pleasurable. is it power? how can it be pleasure when for someone else there is so much pain? it is confusing if you consider the whole range of choice..and behaviors

{"if you could fack a woman up the arse, you can fack a man "}

  there is that whole hypersexuality theme and story, it never took great traction but it became somewhat popular with Magic Johnson...we were at the same school ...there are men who have so much sex with women, in all manner, that it becomes boring, and then what is the new frontier? sex with men, and they will never consider themselves homosexuals.. imagine that for trinidad.

---------------- READ:
http://survivingdating.com/day-12-40-days-of-rain-on-dbr-black-men-demanding-anal-sex

Merikin Heritage Meriken Legacy Merikin History Curator

:This is the beach off /of Moruga; the coastline of the companies..
And this region has other interlocking stories, lineages...it is the coast and landfall of Taino peoples from the land mass of Venezuela, of which Trinidad, at one point in time was connected. now the sea separates. But the Warao Peoples entered Trinidad at Moruga, and through Indian Walk, where my own family members laid food, clothing and drink for them, under the houses.
A people who traveled at night and walked backward to elude capture and trail. We are a mixed and integrated people.

i thank Vladimir Lucien for the use of his pic.

Source: https://www.facebook.com/MERIKINSMERIKENS


i realize this morning that i am a curator of history, myself, my experiences and art.
and it was not weeks ago in a gathering, we came up with the phrase and service to curate homes, apartments, dwellings, structures and offices: we did not describe it outside someone hiring me to bring art and hang in their living space

but truth be exact, it is the bringing of carefully selected art, to each home, client, building, their interest, their life politic, their location or origin or some particular heritage, and then to align and hang to each room, function and aesthetic

Art Home Curating
perhaps there will be a page for that in time.

but this is the page for my curating Merikin History/

Smithsonian National Museum of African American History and...​
years now i was trying to get the Smithsonian to open up American History of Black People Offshore

separate from that revisiting the subject this morning and an image of WIliam WIlliams of Maryland..a handsome photograph of an African...of dual stories. Some just post his image. Some cites list him as having fought for the American US, others list him as fighting for the British. All note him as a War of 1812 Infantry man

But it is only in his history, sandwiched on the battle field between American and the British, did I See glaringly, the fact, truth and necessity of identity: The man was African ethnicity regardless of what nationality he took on, at the time, or since the war. I think that is an abiding truth for us Africans even as we have been confused these two hundred plus years after/ We were Africans before the Western World, before the Diaspora, before Western history happened. When and How did we cease being who we are. I Feel somehow as simple as this is, I just stumbled upon a revelation>

as you were soldiers.
and i think by that little quip too I show up another faultline of ours. We have yet to wake up and realize we are all soldiers, whether we fought in any war of or for our enslavers, we have been in a war for our minds, our souls, our lives and consciousness; to reclaim our source and our rightful futures. And we have yet to get on that battlefield righteous. We been in a whole lot of other distracting embattlements; dareIsay, the 70s recyclements revolution, the civil rights movement, they were all distractions. they were all mirages of the real thing that has never arrived, never been formed, and i think i can say that...to what entrenched win has any of those battles afforded us, given where we are globally today, July 08, 2015?  we just been running that treadmill, while the system keeps changing to keep us lost, confused and locked in.

kind of fascinating what i stumbled upon this early morning

Happy July 5th

Artist: Alim Smith, July 5, 2015

{me: modern day lynchings, bombings, fireworks and picnics}

Who Trinis Are

what an excellent piece of independent writing that relates totally to what i have been saying in so many quarters and relating to so many variant threads and streams of reality.

i like this piece too. you know i seeing jack warner relevance in everything.
by this writing i realize clearly, poignantly, that in trinidad, all are fkg thieves. we just all thief to the level we have access. jack and duprey were on national, international, global and mafia levels, respectively.

others are on the level of the hospital sheets and linens.

the rest at the extent of being paid for work never done, and presence in offices that never see them. and i hated working in govt offices cause people seemed to just wake up daily, get dressed, packed lunch, travel. to come to their desk to loaf, chat, idle and lime. the endless chatter in ugly drab poisonous offices killed me. i ended up asking the PS for leniency to work from home. when he expressed reservation of what other workers might say, i retorted, show them my deliverables.

jack is only extraordinary to the level he managed, amidst the environment of white european kingpin men, in a field in which every nation and region was vested. but jack no worse than the rest of y'all. and my poverty, homelessness, lack of money, broken down car, and vanished resources is the proof that i have not yet been bought, sold out or tief yet.  but as me and neal were discussing last night, my role and function might not be any of that. but to take the lot of them out, to save the country, cause like peter said, aint nothing good coming from within. press reset. start again, and not with the ancient marauders whose descendants left because there was too much land to tief and squat and now own without deed are now modern day pretensive elite robbers
--------------------

WHY WE ARE HOW WE ARE

 By Peter O’Connor, for publication Sunday 5th July 2015

We are people steeped in anarchy, rebelliousness and betrayal. It is said that the island Columbus named Trinidad was different from the other islands in the Caribbean. Other islands were ruled by one Cacique, or Chief, but our island had several, who controlled their own areas and fought with the others. Our colonial and exploitation history was likewise-- unsettled and without any plans for development.

The brother whose family operates the fruit and vegetable mart where I buy my papers on St. Anns Road, is a reader, critic and “advisor” of what I write. He recently told me: “For anyone to try to understand what is happening in Trinidad today, they have to read a book called “From the Gates of Aksum”. That book, a historical novel by Gerard Besson, describes the origins, the tone and standard for our
buccaneering, rebellious, corrupt and “all for self” behaviour which is now deeply ingrained our society, possibly in our DNA.

The story is one of intrigues, plots and betrayals which only a living Trini could appreciate. It is obvious that the foundations of our society, cast in the years between 1770 and 1845, truly support and guide our behaviour today. Our disregard for law, ethics, morality, decency, cleanliness and order was conceived and nurtured in those years, and no matter what genes or religions were tossed into the cauldron, our vices, rather than our virtues, flavoured what we have become.

Accepting this of course is difficult. We posture as decent individuals, going to church, mosque and temple, praying to our Gods, as we break every law and disregard every custom of decency or charity. We expect respect, we give none. We take advantage of every one and every situation, but we are furious when others “advantage” us. Whoever is
in charge is the in the right, and those below have long learned to just accept that. But as soon as any of us manages to climb to the apex of wealth and power, we totally adopt all of the ugly arrogance and bumptiousness of the Governor.

Let me remind you of some examples of this behaviour; I have listed some of these before:

 It was 1976, election year. Government was building several schools with World Bank funding, suddenly wanted to rush four more schools, and asked contractors if these could be built within nine months. The company for whom I was working said yes, they could build three, provided they could modify the design, which was accepted. Nearing the September election, there were major shortages of materials, and it was obvious that not all the schools could be completed. At a meeting summoned to decide what to do, the Head of the Schools Task Force, a powerful man in the system, announced the “solution”: Materials would be prioritized in the following order: First to Mucurapo School, then to Arima, and then Chaguanas, because, and I quote “we are not going to win Chaguanas anyway.” I asked for that instruction in writing.

I thought the “big man” would dead! He actually spluttered, but said the instruction would not come in writing.  In 1986 we are discussing a Design and Build project downtown. The building owner asks the architect what is that second staircase for? The architect says it is needed in a public building, and it will not be approved unless the staircase is there. The owner declares that he will get the plans approved without the staircase, and he does!

In 1987, I am at St. James police station, to renew firearm licenses for a construction company. The overweight, unpleasant sergeant greets me by holding up a newspaper. The headline is about the new NAR government clamping down on theft of linen, detergents and foodstuffs from government hospitals. Sergeant tells me that people like me have caused this: “my wife is a matron at the hospital-- you know how much this will cost us now”!

It is 2004. We are preparing the stadium for an international football match. A group of primary school children are leaving the stadium. A few little boys walk on to the field, a security guard politely asks them not to walk there. They begin to walk off, but a female teacher raises her voice: “Who say allyuh cyant walk on de grass? Chirren, allyuh walk on de field if you want!” Little boys give the guard “cuteye” and strut on to the field in defiance, in obedience to their teacher.

This is who we are, folks—from “Supernumerary” to businessman to police and matron t’iefing from the hospital, to little boys, maybe now dead, being taught defiance. We rise to positions of buffoonery and banditry, showing off how immature and childishly defiant we are. And we hope to find salvation from within?"

Female Hindu Seducers in the Trinidad Pantheon

http://www.trinidadexpress.com/20150630/news/activist-stands-by-her-words-on-hindu-indian-women
An activist who was in the Hindu UNC party so she would know of what she speaks, after all the years observing and being a part of...

------------

Maven Huggins

it is clearly easy to call people racist when they speak unpleasant truths of other ethnic groups.
a nineteen year old indian girl seduced my father , an international business owner when he was well half past fifty. while my mother was alive, causing havoc in our family at great costs to me. and she told me when my mother hired her to work , she saw my father and decided she wanted him.
on some level i wish i knew what that skill was for my own benefit
on another level...i look forward to her paying for her deeds
but even i have awakened. i know now that is not how the world works
my grandmother Ruth grieved herself to death because my father brought this chick into our family home. Cindy Nirmala.
truth is always the first casualty
and ram goats of a certain status always meet the hens cocking for just that.
something i never learned having a powerful monied showering father in the home.
i learned to make my own way, or at least i thought i did, never from feminine wiles. i actually think i was rerouted in the chute at the time of birth cause all of that missed me, and then too seeing a man who philandered with all kinds of women, i never wanted to be subject to that...which is a sore point
i come home tonight not thinking of my personal situation at all but the extent to which men here live with women, have girlfriends, wives and level stables of women right through. i came home thinking of 'women with men, borrowed, sham or pretense' . it is like a badge of honor. i can so list them. they are endless. kind of fascinating.
life that i dont quite understand. none of it.
i look forward to the time in my life when i can look back with knowledge, knowing and wisdom. right now though, i just envision myself rising up again, self contained, and unsullied. a big part of this is not protecting self enough. guarding

---------------

• Sherry McDonald:
  "There's no end to female treachery and male deception.
  
  Honestly, women are out, many of them, beating the bushes for men.
  The things they'll do. Honestly!
  Desperate.
  Maybe they think it's survival?
  
  My sore point too Maven. Mine too.
  I guess these kind of men aren't really men. And the women aren't women.
  They're just right for each other.
  But they are happy to kick another woman out to do it.
  
  But seriously, it's the man who is committed, or isn't. It's on him primarily. Basically it seems men never lose. They can be happy either way.
  Just because you suffer doesn't mean they do.
  I'm not able to win at such games.
  It's just too sordid a game for me to play.
  Let them have what they think they want. You can't stop it. It's like stopping a flood.
  They ruin lives. Ruin them. And don't care.
  Karma has to activate somewhere."

  
  
• Ramdahin Dennis:
  "Interesting story. But how you so sure it couldn't have be the other way around? You mean your father actuall ran off with this chick?"

  
  
• Maven Huggins:
  "i guess you missed the part where i was stating what she herself told me of her story, her coming, her entry> she was hired by my mother to be a worker. she told me she saw my father and decided she will marry him. so said so done. that is the woman's story to me,"
• 
  
•  Sarah Mair Morgan :
  "Well, how about Arnold Schwarzenegger and the hired help right under his wife's nose for years?"
• 
  
• Maven Huggins:"something is wrong with us women. not to see. i marvel walking around this place. and i am not sure how not to be that woman ever. seems to me the issue of trust leads you down a garden path, and i think too women;s perception of themselves and their world, they think all the time there are situations, people and conditions they and those around them, their men will never enter, and it is usually just that and worse. take nothing off the table of possibility"
• 
  
• Sheldon Mendoza : "That's just your conditioning and programming by Western Society"
• 
  
• Maven Huggins :
  "yes western society have told black men *( I am only deeply entrenched into this subpopulation to know) via slavery that they can have as many women as they want, for nothing, for free, not provide for her, house her or maintain her.
  
  so you all never even think what you doing is a robbery and treachery also
  
  but this is not this story.. this is a story of a man and family who had plenty and the inheritors, purveyors and creators of two generations above and below this man, lost due to his playing up in his...
  
  it was his conditioning and programming of triflingness that did not instruct him that if he wants another woman then build another house, find himself and her elsewhere. NOT in the family homes and lands. Not selling off or using legacy family assets for your new life and never at the loss and cost of your children. the first set, the remaining one.
  
  If i could call all manner of curses upon his head, his new children and their mother;s head, her surrounding family, in fire and brimstone, I would. but this is all about scrupulous people
  
  not the conditioning and programming you sought to put onto me. there is a right and wrong way to do everything. weasels and small minded men and people never figure that out . i call them wretched, they are"
• 
  
• Maven Huggins:
  "Um, you all may have missed the part where I stated I was repeating what this woman, my stepmother, by bigamy, of ten years or more younger than me, told me/. we used to have a relationship before my father and i became estranged and told his new family not to talk to me.
  
  and i dont know what conditioning and programming you speak of mendoza but what I did not say , actually I mentioned it, but did not expand was the effects of this treachery>"
  
  my thing is do what all you want to do but do not one be a bully, or two be a thief, or three rob people of their legacies and inheritance.
  
  my beef is that my country home i used to have I no longer. a grendmother died before her time because her home twoo was corrupted, a house my mother owned for rental to public was lost by theft and sale, illegally, my grandmother's gold was melted down to make wedding ring, that should have gone to three female grandchildren. and
  
  my point was, do what you want to do, but find your own land and housing to do it in, dont rob those of us here decades before, to figt someone new. that to me is outside integrity, but say what, I am a different kind of being. I dont believe I would let any man install me to the loss of his children of family before me. so maybe it is conditioning. I grew up unwretchedly
  
  you talk of conditioning and programming but you all who read stories like this are so used to people just being poor and have nothing. it is a totally different story when there is a magnitude of inheritance, land, businesses. it is a testament to how trifling the practice you all want women without nary a price or cost, but here is the flip story on two counts a man who had it which is why he was schemed upon, and the cost to his blood when lord knows what, loneliness, patheticism, badmind gets to his head
  
  you dont disown your own
  one set of triflingness (women without male providing for all they choose) and disinheritance by children upon a switch or swindle)
  It is all a complicated story way beyond what i write here"
• Edward Bowen: "you don't disown your own" - in my time I was faced with this real schism and the attempt to disenfranchise a generation, it was mind boggling physics to say the least. The choice then, was to fight it, or leave it all alone, emigrate and start again, I stayed because I knew that if I left, there would be a loss, a bitterness for not having tried at least, to right the wrong that was clear, plain and very evident, that having recognized it in full, the illusion had been removed, and the manipulators were as vulnerable as I was. It took some years of work, the assistance came out of the blue, now years later there is understanding, dare I say it, respect."

  
  
• Maven Huggins:
• " you are lucky. you knew what to do at the time to do it.
  
  i was not living here. and my mother's family tried to get me to sue my father. I refused. (that non -wrecthedness that I speak of), I could not at the time put god out of my thoughts to sue the man who was the reason for the charmed Life i had , always had. . but i have learned in this and so many cases, that you do not get rewarded for having upbringing,c class, integrity, wisdom, propriety. and you know my story, to be at this age, and homeless, struggling, without has been a bitter pill. dont know if i would go back and do differently, but going forward I do not plan to be this gentle soul. and plan to wield sword and weapons like Kali. I am still aiming to get that.
  
  And then what has been a surprise of a type, is for even my father to turn against me even after I accepted his long life of shit against women in my family.
  
  He took two lives prior: my mothers and my grandmothers, me, he just took my wealth
  
  but i sometimes fancy raising a hornets nest against his people once he dies, and even then I ask myself if i am really that beast.
  
  I am truly starting to believe that it is the good hearted people of the world who suffer. the things one cant bring themselves to do, leaves them without and in sufferation
  
  But time will tell, perhaps"

  
  
• Cedriann Martin Chin-Asiong:
  "Why are people acting as though men are mindless? So these hardback old men don't have the maturity and loyalty to say 'I am not going to destroy my family so I can get some new tail'? How is that the young woman's fault (whatever her race)?"
• 
  
• Maven Huggins:
  "my father never had maturity. my father i learned in hindsight had a lot of bravado to cover up his emotional inability...something I see as a very caribbean if not diasporan male characterization. my father could not deal with deep things. not when i got hit by a car, not when my mother got sick...the vulnerability for him was too overwhelming. to the point ...i have no words. but anger and violence is the default, then banishment .
  
  loyalty, men will be loyal to you as long as it serves their interest and your use in their life,. I saw this with him, and a lot now with current men. girlfriends who 'hold their men down while they in jail' is a big common one i hear.
  
  you all reading need to stop making wild assumptions from your limited view, and not a lot of people are sitting around studying people, characters, family members, or have had the experiences i have had to study this
  
  second of all dont get bent out of shape, again with the presumptions. my post without saying it was offered in the context of the juliet davy story. where i was sharing how i have my own knowledge of that trope and tripe.
  
  You never saw me use the word "fault:" toward this woman, but she is indian, and she did tell me she used her wiles to get my father. you all keep missing that,. i find that so interesting.
  
  i also wrote, which would allow a careful conscientious reader to use some skilled critical comprehension that "I am estranged from my father and he instructed his family not to deal with me"
  
  my indication also that i had some relationship with this woman would or should tell the reader something, and certainly against some knee jerk reaction of 'fault"
  
  further, this is a story that happened about. no. literally twenty years ago. I wonder what you all think about that, or how your cultural history is able to go back that far. did many of you even know yourselves in that context, and village life as well as so many other unseen circumstances. i am amused at the difference that small factor makes
  
  finally, my father, i have learned a long time ago was and is a weak man. and i saw all the behaviors and in my own retrospect and introspection learned the patterns a caribbean male uses to compensate.
  
  my father did a lot of shit. and for you to write your comment when i spoke/wrote directly above your comment how he destroyed women in my family , his mother, my mother and me, and for you to come and talk about 'hard back men' means you are not reading and certainly on autopilot, programmed doctrine to apply. Not here.
  
  and finally, let me also tell you, my father told me himself, that his choices were because of his loneliness. I just find it was not done the right way and at huge costs.
  
  finally, everybody must stand on their own damn feet. and behavior.
  
  Cindy also told me my mother haunted her from the time she left. and was trying to kill her.
  
  I swear to you. this shit needs to be a movie. sans all of you all's self righteous politically correct perspectives. life aint that. and i have learned is only people who aint been through half this grainy shit always wielding those empties.
  
  plain talk.
  but this post is making me realize how unbelievably rich this story. Real Rich.
  
  and if in 2015 we dont realize we have a population of this country of predominately hard back infantile children, with the size and tools as grown men, but nothing about them is evolved, elevated, mature or of any high character trait, then is more proof that we are sleeping douens.
  
  same thing for women when I read the stories of men of what their chidlren monther's put them through, different story i veer into but my point is, hardback what? what that mean.. the biggest asses I know are big black strapping men with the ugliest behaviors. if they not coward, the abusing, and to tell you the truth i am learning how much the former fuels the latter.
  
  i could keep writing forever on this shit. it is almost like this is what i went to study school for...to figure these characters"
• 
  
• Maven Huggins: "men and most people are mindless.
  they make decisions and choices out of selfishness and the moment. NEVER ever thinking of the consequences and the dominoes effect and then after the fact they try to back track, correct and manage but it is too late and then they get on a high horse when their victims refuse to comply.
  
  my father tried to make things right with me but i was still offended. I needed not to have been choosing upon my legacy and not when I was the last one standing.
  
  again, males constant attempt to make do based on what works for them.
  
  i guess some of us come to take different stands
  
  That is such a powerful word: Mindless
  
  we have a whole country context / a whole societal structure built on mindless. from SEA where a whole bunch of children are labeled as failures-- consider the mindless impact of that to the society and then the mindless criminals it foments.
  
  to mindless party groups that are nothing of cliques,and clans of class...mindless to the impact of society
  
  gosh. I can write all day on your very few lines.
  Rich Material in deed"
• 
  
• 
  
• Maven Huggins:
  "my perspective of this experience, this story is FAR MORE complex than this or any post will lead anyone to believe.
  I just realized part of my thought is that stuff happens, life happens, apart from the perspective, roles, feelings and impacts on any player..however they may cast themselves as victor or victim, and more so how one thing never prevails, you are a victor in one context but a loser on another or several
  
  and more so, holding this perspective, there is nothing to do but watch it like a movie, even when it plays out long after you are dead
  
  but again, this post was in response to the recent juliet davy story and here was my own of hearing about the same character, identity, behaviors, intentions and impact.
  
  and i wish the society was mature enough to discuss it rather than to damn her.
  
  so i guess we all think it is accidental that jack warner has only helped, installed, aided and abetted indian women, from hema to the chaguanas mayor, to christine newallo, to kamla, to the slew of them at ilp. I find it amusing. and i find it interesting that no one considers multiple arrangements and relations behind the curtains of positions. many known despite the silence in the public sphere or is it that everyone is whispering loudly?
  
  and i will say, jack is good friends, tight friends with a friend of mine. long time i learned of him as ram goat.
  so davy;s comment again, was not one-sided.. that is why i use the line. ramgoats always find the hens cocking for just that. and my father was a ramgoat.
  
  i tried to use the personal to explain a political public play before us and it turned out real interesting. so here is me taking it back just to that."

-------------------

processing a post , written about an experience, long ago, with lasting consequences..and with its elements of gender identity, behavior and cultural stereotypes , archetypes ...it hits me for the first time...if misogyny is not a myth.

think about it. i come from the knowledge of the powerful feminine. it is only females who give and bring forth life. it is how i know that the cosmos, galaxies, god, other planets and the earth are women, female forms.

from that alone, all power
when you can create life and take it away as earth and the cosmos does, what else is there.

and so from that standing and these facts.
if women are all powerful, then when we hold them to fire, is that not part of the power they hold. ? and not any mamby bamby hatred? i am just musing. cause of course I admit weak men would do nothing but resent the powerful feminine.

then we talk about the sacred feminine, and the power of sex, and the  potency of sex as a tool and ritual in many cultures, the issue of blood, to use./ witches. iyamis. I just wonder if we really know what we are talking about. and if this misogyn thing is not yet another example of up for down as the world would have us be turned around.

Deep stuff

What if we female women were the IT and so lost and mindlessly far from that truth we are, so instead we walk around like victims?

------------------
you know'
one sure sign of maturity and true power
is to accept hard painful bitter truths of those of your identity, pantheon, culture, society, ethnicity, race if you will.
especially and if that does not pertain to you
but that is the part of getting your garden wet or flooded eh,
or having cocoa in the sun when you planned for rain

who i am and who i am not
and what behaviors can never be prescribed onto me.
is only when i am safe to say, yeah, nod. that shit does be happening.
selah
and these people are so damn fucking illiterate they dont realize that there is the counterpart for other groups. ‪#‎jezebel‬/ but i am not here to teach, or am i?