my every thought, consideration, theory, muse, word and whim
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Day Two - 2013 - 364 - Write a Good one
Day Two - Hours Later. Same Day One - January 1 2013 - 10:31am
So/ the day two really is still day one. Just hours apart.. I wake up thinking working on conceptualizing the project/ the writing/the form/ the characters/ the structure/ whether to hide identities or not . And whether this book is about Men in My Life. All Men. From the bartenders at Hyatt who take care of me like last night - Stephon only charged me for one Asti, not the two I had. and neither did he charge me for the club soda I had in between to keep hydrated. It is what I mean when i write, we may not get or have who or what we want a boyfriend, man, mate or companion to keep us company, do things with us or for us, but if our eyes remain receiving and open, we see wh have and get exactly the gifts that are sufficient. I go to Hyatt bar and i em embraced, loved and cared for. And it is not just the males/ Abiola and Valena look out for me.
But the men. And I think again how this book did not begin last night but a few months ago, like June 2012 actually, when I met Curtis Joseph on the corner of my block, it seemed to have opened a season of males in my life; in search of men. a man to call and embrace as my own, a place and source of love and devotion..yadda yadda yadda. And oh what a journey it has been.
from someone, he, CJ who tried to play me hard but only ended up getting played and crushed. His fourtieth birthday and I had no greeting for him. And he clearly never had any woman to place him as so low on the pile to be inconsequential and not deserving of mention or acknowledgment on the day you were living, working and planning toward for months. But if I come to your birthday party and you try to act like you dont know me, have nothing with me, dont see me, and your new girlfriend is passing me by with the food she is serving, then you get blanked. It was bizarre. I have never been so exacting cool and cruel. And it hurt me more than it hurt him/ For awhile. But then I figured it all out and then I got real ecstatic. I was not a woman victim. I gave as good as I got. The issue is these males are not used to women giving/ Just taking their shit. And this was the first time this sociopsychopath ever encountered that. He was undone. This one. This one who assaulted some partner or girlfriend in the states and had to hightail it out of there. A story too that has more gaps than a gully. I suspect boyfriend was deported, but he denies it. He did tell me of the incident and how he perceives he was taunted and pushed. But CJ looked at me. Saw me fixing my car and dropping 8K no scene and felt i had money and I was to be taken and shooken, played and manipulated. He thought i would want him as a boyfriend and so thus equation-- willing to do anything for him. He said we were together in one breath and the next asked me for money. And my response was quick and flowed like water/ "What is the arrangement of that money? Is that a loan; is it a business partnership? Am I getting a cut into the returns, profits: shares?" He was undone outdone. He has refused to speak to me.
I am generally not a throwaway person. I tell you what I got to tell you and I go on/ Unless shit never stop and your bullshit is incessant. So i could have played my hand and time passed and we could have gone on to try to find a new platform of respect and mutual living, but brotherman was more offended than me. Selah. They often are. That is why that saying in Trinidad: Do So Doh Like So
Then from CJ/
I remember EM the most. The most significant recent. A bomb beautiful perfected kisser with super soft skin. We spent a night together and I was stunned at the level and depth and belly of emotion this man shared with me...His fears and concerns, anxieties and insecurities of his parenting his daughter. And how he said, we would spend much time doing together. And in fact, the man, dont know if he is a total nerd or what, but the man called me a "porn star". I think i underestimated the extent to which this man must have been drunk no arse. But I believed him. It seemed real. But something happened. By morning I could sense it. But i was still oblivious. And then communications were just one line responses to my inbox tomes. And he never answered my call or responded to a text. But I felt : what and how is sociopathic behavior so common. The most blithe is to ignore communications from another. That is like wiping someone out. They dont exist. Luckily, we have a mutual friend, And they witnessed this hookup as it were...and given the outcome I was given to reflection at the moment of inception where I would swear I saw on the face of the mutual friend, resignation, dejection or some other emotions I was not clear,...but he told me he knew it would not end well. He said to me: "you act like you have a hard exterior, but you are a softy inside; EM acts like he has a hard exterior but he is even harder inside." :O/ i was like WOAH. Then he told me how he has dumped other women who he was seeing, involved with for a long time and just wakes up and dumps them. Then i did not feel so bad. But the fact that a male exposed so much of his heart, innards and belly toward me, So soon, It meant something and that is what I hold onto. And those kisses. Gives me pause. Kisses like that dont come along too often. Who throws such away. ? Who can afford to? I know I cant/ Or couldnt . At least i thought so. You live and learn
Then I meet a guy at a club one Friday night. He asks for my phone number and as I enter it my name pops up/ Amusing. WH/ I never met him but I believe we communicated over email years prior/ He organizes one of the biggest annual events here in the island. Seeming nice sweet guy. At some juncture. I wanted to be friends with his partner. But i think all men think all women are potential hookups . So if you hook up with one they think there is the aim to hook up with the other. And these men dont realize , Sister Here Just wants a stable of men to hang out with . Call Connect. Be the other party while i am out amidst the general population dipsticks. But I am learning to take life as it comes, how it comes, leaving apart my designations, designs and preferences. If no decent partner potentials show up, what am i going to do I think i casually decided in 2012 I was not going to continue as I had been. Waiting for gold when only chaff exists. Gotta ride the bull that is in the gate.
Then in between, the same night, there is AB/ What all these recent men have in common and what is new with me is that they are all in my age group or older. For the whole time, months and years prior, I was only meeting men younger than I. I have this computer and writing on it now because of AB> So i am learning to value people for what they bring to the table and not judge them on all what they are missing from my guideline list...
Then there is KP/ Gold wearing rings and necklace Paramin family man hunter builder
We shall see what stories write themselves...
The New Year 2013/ Write a Good One. I intend
So/ the day two really is still day one. Just hours apart.. I wake up thinking working on conceptualizing the project/ the writing/the form/ the characters/ the structure/ whether to hide identities or not . And whether this book is about Men in My Life. All Men. From the bartenders at Hyatt who take care of me like last night - Stephon only charged me for one Asti, not the two I had. and neither did he charge me for the club soda I had in between to keep hydrated. It is what I mean when i write, we may not get or have who or what we want a boyfriend, man, mate or companion to keep us company, do things with us or for us, but if our eyes remain receiving and open, we see wh have and get exactly the gifts that are sufficient. I go to Hyatt bar and i em embraced, loved and cared for. And it is not just the males/ Abiola and Valena look out for me.
But the men. And I think again how this book did not begin last night but a few months ago, like June 2012 actually, when I met Curtis Joseph on the corner of my block, it seemed to have opened a season of males in my life; in search of men. a man to call and embrace as my own, a place and source of love and devotion..yadda yadda yadda. And oh what a journey it has been.
from someone, he, CJ who tried to play me hard but only ended up getting played and crushed. His fourtieth birthday and I had no greeting for him. And he clearly never had any woman to place him as so low on the pile to be inconsequential and not deserving of mention or acknowledgment on the day you were living, working and planning toward for months. But if I come to your birthday party and you try to act like you dont know me, have nothing with me, dont see me, and your new girlfriend is passing me by with the food she is serving, then you get blanked. It was bizarre. I have never been so exacting cool and cruel. And it hurt me more than it hurt him/ For awhile. But then I figured it all out and then I got real ecstatic. I was not a woman victim. I gave as good as I got. The issue is these males are not used to women giving/ Just taking their shit. And this was the first time this sociopsychopath ever encountered that. He was undone. This one. This one who assaulted some partner or girlfriend in the states and had to hightail it out of there. A story too that has more gaps than a gully. I suspect boyfriend was deported, but he denies it. He did tell me of the incident and how he perceives he was taunted and pushed. But CJ looked at me. Saw me fixing my car and dropping 8K no scene and felt i had money and I was to be taken and shooken, played and manipulated. He thought i would want him as a boyfriend and so thus equation-- willing to do anything for him. He said we were together in one breath and the next asked me for money. And my response was quick and flowed like water/ "What is the arrangement of that money? Is that a loan; is it a business partnership? Am I getting a cut into the returns, profits: shares?" He was undone outdone. He has refused to speak to me.
I am generally not a throwaway person. I tell you what I got to tell you and I go on/ Unless shit never stop and your bullshit is incessant. So i could have played my hand and time passed and we could have gone on to try to find a new platform of respect and mutual living, but brotherman was more offended than me. Selah. They often are. That is why that saying in Trinidad: Do So Doh Like So
Then from CJ/
I remember EM the most. The most significant recent. A bomb beautiful perfected kisser with super soft skin. We spent a night together and I was stunned at the level and depth and belly of emotion this man shared with me...His fears and concerns, anxieties and insecurities of his parenting his daughter. And how he said, we would spend much time doing together. And in fact, the man, dont know if he is a total nerd or what, but the man called me a "porn star". I think i underestimated the extent to which this man must have been drunk no arse. But I believed him. It seemed real. But something happened. By morning I could sense it. But i was still oblivious. And then communications were just one line responses to my inbox tomes. And he never answered my call or responded to a text. But I felt : what and how is sociopathic behavior so common. The most blithe is to ignore communications from another. That is like wiping someone out. They dont exist. Luckily, we have a mutual friend, And they witnessed this hookup as it were...and given the outcome I was given to reflection at the moment of inception where I would swear I saw on the face of the mutual friend, resignation, dejection or some other emotions I was not clear,...but he told me he knew it would not end well. He said to me: "you act like you have a hard exterior, but you are a softy inside; EM acts like he has a hard exterior but he is even harder inside." :O/ i was like WOAH. Then he told me how he has dumped other women who he was seeing, involved with for a long time and just wakes up and dumps them. Then i did not feel so bad. But the fact that a male exposed so much of his heart, innards and belly toward me, So soon, It meant something and that is what I hold onto. And those kisses. Gives me pause. Kisses like that dont come along too often. Who throws such away. ? Who can afford to? I know I cant/ Or couldnt . At least i thought so. You live and learn
Then I meet a guy at a club one Friday night. He asks for my phone number and as I enter it my name pops up/ Amusing. WH/ I never met him but I believe we communicated over email years prior/ He organizes one of the biggest annual events here in the island. Seeming nice sweet guy. At some juncture. I wanted to be friends with his partner. But i think all men think all women are potential hookups . So if you hook up with one they think there is the aim to hook up with the other. And these men dont realize , Sister Here Just wants a stable of men to hang out with . Call Connect. Be the other party while i am out amidst the general population dipsticks. But I am learning to take life as it comes, how it comes, leaving apart my designations, designs and preferences. If no decent partner potentials show up, what am i going to do I think i casually decided in 2012 I was not going to continue as I had been. Waiting for gold when only chaff exists. Gotta ride the bull that is in the gate.
Then in between, the same night, there is AB/ What all these recent men have in common and what is new with me is that they are all in my age group or older. For the whole time, months and years prior, I was only meeting men younger than I. I have this computer and writing on it now because of AB> So i am learning to value people for what they bring to the table and not judge them on all what they are missing from my guideline list...
Then there is KP/ Gold wearing rings and necklace Paramin family man hunter builder
We shall see what stories write themselves...
The New Year 2013/ Write a Good One. I intend
Monday, December 31, 2012
January 1, 2013 - 365 Book Write a Good One - Day One
January 1, 2013 2:56am
This book began a few days ago. On Saturday. When I asked Kevin Pierre to hang out. In the middle of the day.
Actually, the story neither started there. It started a few weeks ago. Perhaps, a month? Maybe more? We were driving on the saddle road through Boissiere, vying for space on the road, two lanes merging into one. I in the lane, He trying to enter. He in his Toyota pick up. I in my CRV. And neither of us giving in. But his back tire bumped mine or my bumper. He felt nothing or acted as if he didnt. I insisted he stopped. Pulled in front of him askance like police. Who is me? This bold five feet two petite. SMH. He agreed to stop. We end up looking for damage. There was none. He never cussed me, though as bold as I acted, I noted he could have. I ended up selling him one of my posters. For $300/ We exchanged numbers and contacts. He eventually called me. To my surprise. Our conversations have been nothing but brief and cursory But Saturday I asked to hang out And through much convulsions and many convolutions, we met. At the Morne Coco Road Maraval. He took me to Paragon Mountain. Driving through terrain that was anything but a road. A clear path to see but not drive. My innards got reshifted i am sure.
We drove around to different spots. A variety of homes on the mountain: Peter Doig's compound holding about four homes. Overlooking the cliff of a building site that he is constructing. Then down to an empty house that I would occupy. And through more terrain, down the hill driving to the beach, which we bypassed and went onto another building site, where we sat, I ate the soup he made and brought for me. I drank straight whisky, he drank white rhum and we smoked herb. Three rollons. Never again. From now on i believe we /I will smoke joints. No cigarette nibs.
And then we lingered well past his time to return. Till eight pm. And I had to drive to Indian Walk by myself. But it was as if we did not want to leave each other's company/ Such bullshit. Cute but not. For mature old and married people. He not me..
So it will be interesting to see what this story is. What the 2013 book I am writing is about. And so apt that I begin this writing a year. Writing in a year. Is this telling about him. he, I. or something else of the year entirely? what will get lost, what will come into focus
the backdrop?
my unemployment that continues..
but making US$1225 this month
struggle to find my footing, get a life, acquire my own home, land and holding
Pierre's promise to "introduce me to the right people" to get employed
How will I navigate this dynamic of a friendship with a married man With whom I clearly have some kind of energy. From moment one when we met in apparent conflict. He said on Saturday that he felt "God sent me". I await to see if that is just bullshit, illusion or projection..
But so the story begins. Ostensibly
What is interesting ? This man is a builder. a construction worker. Who Which God Send for Whom? for What? purpose? See what I am saying?
Let the future begin to reveal itself
This book began a few days ago. On Saturday. When I asked Kevin Pierre to hang out. In the middle of the day.
Actually, the story neither started there. It started a few weeks ago. Perhaps, a month? Maybe more? We were driving on the saddle road through Boissiere, vying for space on the road, two lanes merging into one. I in the lane, He trying to enter. He in his Toyota pick up. I in my CRV. And neither of us giving in. But his back tire bumped mine or my bumper. He felt nothing or acted as if he didnt. I insisted he stopped. Pulled in front of him askance like police. Who is me? This bold five feet two petite. SMH. He agreed to stop. We end up looking for damage. There was none. He never cussed me, though as bold as I acted, I noted he could have. I ended up selling him one of my posters. For $300/ We exchanged numbers and contacts. He eventually called me. To my surprise. Our conversations have been nothing but brief and cursory But Saturday I asked to hang out And through much convulsions and many convolutions, we met. At the Morne Coco Road Maraval. He took me to Paragon Mountain. Driving through terrain that was anything but a road. A clear path to see but not drive. My innards got reshifted i am sure.
We drove around to different spots. A variety of homes on the mountain: Peter Doig's compound holding about four homes. Overlooking the cliff of a building site that he is constructing. Then down to an empty house that I would occupy. And through more terrain, down the hill driving to the beach, which we bypassed and went onto another building site, where we sat, I ate the soup he made and brought for me. I drank straight whisky, he drank white rhum and we smoked herb. Three rollons. Never again. From now on i believe we /I will smoke joints. No cigarette nibs.
And then we lingered well past his time to return. Till eight pm. And I had to drive to Indian Walk by myself. But it was as if we did not want to leave each other's company/ Such bullshit. Cute but not. For mature old and married people. He not me..
So it will be interesting to see what this story is. What the 2013 book I am writing is about. And so apt that I begin this writing a year. Writing in a year. Is this telling about him. he, I. or something else of the year entirely? what will get lost, what will come into focus
the backdrop?
my unemployment that continues..
but making US$1225 this month
struggle to find my footing, get a life, acquire my own home, land and holding
Pierre's promise to "introduce me to the right people" to get employed
How will I navigate this dynamic of a friendship with a married man With whom I clearly have some kind of energy. From moment one when we met in apparent conflict. He said on Saturday that he felt "God sent me". I await to see if that is just bullshit, illusion or projection..
But so the story begins. Ostensibly
What is interesting ? This man is a builder. a construction worker. Who Which God Send for Whom? for What? purpose? See what I am saying?
Let the future begin to reveal itself
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
That High Priestess Nina Simone: Blackness Embodied
i watch this...and first i see her mouth, and her eyes, and her teeth and the way she talks and wonders if that movie being made honors and upholds her enough to emulate that...
then i see and hear her words and i begin to listen...and imbibe who this High Priestess really was...
and then i hear, "this compels me to compel them" and that mulls and turns in my mind a few times then i wake up from the revelry internal that just was and become aware of my chills. and when i become aware of the chills, then tears fill...and then i start to write and share to tell you about this wombmyn that passed before us that is now being denigrated in a film by the choice, easy approaches and wrong actress chosen to indicate, reflect and compel that BLACKNESS this wombmyn was about???!!!
deep
makes me wonder what i can do to take up the mantle.
made me wonder between the chills and the tears my own work to compel but not just about a Blackness but of a Wholeness, an Integration and Cosmic Connectedness that once accomplished..makes all else aspects of authenticity, fulfilled.
wow. talk about someone who was worthy of worship and honor...smh
too much
Monday, November 5, 2012
Deleted pieces from [Michelle Obama: Black Woman at the Frontlines of the Attack on Black Womanhood]
" i agree with you on the point that i should not have intruded on your woman based model campaign, hence i subtract my comment."
"Yes, it was your Black Woman statement and i concur that all persons should listen more closely to these experiences and perspectives given the hierarchy of demonization. I should also add that it is not just what people say that is important but also what is the position of privilege that the sayer occupies in the race/gender/etc matrix. It is in consideration of all of that, that i subtracted my previous comment."
"Yes, it was your Black Woman statement and i concur that all persons should listen more closely to these experiences and perspectives given the hierarchy of demonization. I should also add that it is not just what people say that is important but also what is the position of privilege that the sayer occupies in the race/gender/etc matrix. It is in consideration of all of that, that i subtracted my previous comment."
The Furies we Bring, Call and Wring
Maven Huggins:
"I just removed my comments from your thread in the voodoo place
I am almost sick and appalled. How did you get from wanting to clean your house to welcome your girlfriend to putting a spell on her to make her obsessive. I l
iterally am sick. just trying to keep it down.
I have tears in my eyes.
Donovan, only a sick soul would offer that in that thread.
How does goodness become evil? so simply?
I beg you please do nothing to your girlfriend
If you are good to her she will be good to you.
A lot of people think they know what they are doing but they dont. and what you or someone else does may bring furies you cannot contend, may fall back on you or worse yet, do you really want to fret and mess with your unborn child's energies, and markings, and programs, stunting or poisoning her for life?
I dont think so. I know you dont want that. Please end that conversation, best yet delete it. I cant say more now. but I beg you please. I beg you.
this was not who i thought you were when i wrote on the thread."
Today
01:26
Donovan K. Meeks:
"I'm really nott thadd person I'm been doing all you applied too for me I really like your suggestion,,, you are very wise,,, I need more people like u in my life!!!
I keep reading this message you send in my mail box and its very powerful I am very sorry too disappoint u,,,
I need your guidance plz don't stop helping me I'm crying for your wisdom and guidance. Add me a friend plz!!! Keep me focus on the rite track my spiritual mother!!! I am very sorry too think such a thing!!!"
Today
04:37
Maven Huggins
"I was deeply hurt and afraid for your girlfriend.
did you delete the thread?
If not then you are not serious about being here with me"
-----------
I have no children
but i share this for my new eyes and revelation. I am shocked to see how common this attempt and practice to joujou someone;s life, alter their paths, seek interference above and beyond someone's will. Across waters too. Deep it is locked in the US. dont talk about here in Trinidad. I guess i was in my own little chamber. Many wonder, even I, how i am so at cross purpose with this life and living, the norms are strange to me...i really was in my own UNI-verse. It is a whole new world I now find myself, with no end to new revelations.
and seeing the effects mingling, and intermingling all around me.
i keep going back to spiritual psycho wetiko. and how irreparably sick we are in this sociopsychopathic global world
i pray 'a' psalms, lamentations, proverbs, revelations and isaiahs.
I have tears in my eyes.
Donovan, only a sick soul would offer that in that thread.
How does goodness become evil? so simply?
I beg you please do nothing to your girlfriend
If you are good to her she will be good to you.
A lot of people think they know what they are doing but they dont. and what you or someone else does may bring furies you cannot contend, may fall back on you or worse yet, do you really want to fret and mess with your unborn child's energies, and markings, and programs, stunting or poisoning her for life?
I dont think so. I know you dont want that. Please end that conversation, best yet delete it. I cant say more now. but I beg you please. I beg you.
this was not who i thought you were when i wrote on the thread."
Today
01:26
Donovan K. Meeks:
"I'm really nott thadd person I'm been doing all you applied too for me I really like your suggestion,,, you are very wise,,, I need more people like u in my life!!!
I keep reading this message you send in my mail box and its very powerful I am very sorry too disappoint u,,,
I need your guidance plz don't stop helping me I'm crying for your wisdom and guidance. Add me a friend plz!!! Keep me focus on the rite track my spiritual mother!!! I am very sorry too think such a thing!!!"
Today
04:37
Maven Huggins
"I was deeply hurt and afraid for your girlfriend.
did you delete the thread?
If not then you are not serious about being here with me"
-----------
I have no children
but i share this for my new eyes and revelation. I am shocked to see how common this attempt and practice to joujou someone;s life, alter their paths, seek interference above and beyond someone's will. Across waters too. Deep it is locked in the US. dont talk about here in Trinidad. I guess i was in my own little chamber. Many wonder, even I, how i am so at cross purpose with this life and living, the norms are strange to me...i really was in my own UNI-verse. It is a whole new world I now find myself, with no end to new revelations.
and seeing the effects mingling, and intermingling all around me.
i keep going back to spiritual psycho wetiko. and how irreparably sick we are in this sociopsychopathic global world
i pray 'a' psalms, lamentations, proverbs, revelations and isaiahs.
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