Day Two - Hours Later. Same Day One - January 1 2013 - 10:31am
So/ the day two really is still day one. Just hours apart.. I wake up thinking working on conceptualizing the project/ the writing/the form/ the characters/ the structure/ whether to hide identities or not . And whether this book is about Men in My Life. All Men. From the bartenders at Hyatt who take care of me like last night - Stephon only charged me for one Asti, not the two I had. and neither did he charge me for the club soda I had in between to keep hydrated. It is what I mean when i write, we may not get or have who or what we want a boyfriend, man, mate or companion to keep us company, do things with us or for us, but if our eyes remain receiving and open, we see wh have and get exactly the gifts that are sufficient. I go to Hyatt bar and i em embraced, loved and cared for. And it is not just the males/ Abiola and Valena look out for me.
But the men. And I think again how this book did not begin last night but a few months ago, like June 2012 actually, when I met Curtis Joseph on the corner of my block, it seemed to have opened a season of males in my life; in search of men. a man to call and embrace as my own, a place and source of love and devotion..yadda yadda yadda. And oh what a journey it has been.
from someone, he, CJ who tried to play me hard but only ended up getting played and crushed. His fourtieth birthday and I had no greeting for him. And he clearly never had any woman to place him as so low on the pile to be inconsequential and not deserving of mention or acknowledgment on the day you were living, working and planning toward for months. But if I come to your birthday party and you try to act like you dont know me, have nothing with me, dont see me, and your new girlfriend is passing me by with the food she is serving, then you get blanked. It was bizarre. I have never been so exacting cool and cruel. And it hurt me more than it hurt him/ For awhile. But then I figured it all out and then I got real ecstatic. I was not a woman victim. I gave as good as I got. The issue is these males are not used to women giving/ Just taking their shit. And this was the first time this sociopsychopath ever encountered that. He was undone. This one. This one who assaulted some partner or girlfriend in the states and had to hightail it out of there. A story too that has more gaps than a gully. I suspect boyfriend was deported, but he denies it. He did tell me of the incident and how he perceives he was taunted and pushed. But CJ looked at me. Saw me fixing my car and dropping 8K no scene and felt i had money and I was to be taken and shooken, played and manipulated. He thought i would want him as a boyfriend and so thus equation-- willing to do anything for him. He said we were together in one breath and the next asked me for money. And my response was quick and flowed like water/ "What is the arrangement of that money? Is that a loan; is it a business partnership? Am I getting a cut into the returns, profits: shares?" He was undone outdone. He has refused to speak to me.
I am generally not a throwaway person. I tell you what I got to tell you and I go on/ Unless shit never stop and your bullshit is incessant. So i could have played my hand and time passed and we could have gone on to try to find a new platform of respect and mutual living, but brotherman was more offended than me. Selah. They often are. That is why that saying in Trinidad: Do So Doh Like So
Then from CJ/
I remember EM the most. The most significant recent. A bomb beautiful perfected kisser with super soft skin. We spent a night together and I was stunned at the level and depth and belly of emotion this man shared with me...His fears and concerns, anxieties and insecurities of his parenting his daughter. And how he said, we would spend much time doing together. And in fact, the man, dont know if he is a total nerd or what, but the man called me a "porn star". I think i underestimated the extent to which this man must have been drunk no arse. But I believed him. It seemed real. But something happened. By morning I could sense it. But i was still oblivious. And then communications were just one line responses to my inbox tomes. And he never answered my call or responded to a text. But I felt : what and how is sociopathic behavior so common. The most blithe is to ignore communications from another. That is like wiping someone out. They dont exist. Luckily, we have a mutual friend, And they witnessed this hookup as it were...and given the outcome I was given to reflection at the moment of inception where I would swear I saw on the face of the mutual friend, resignation, dejection or some other emotions I was not clear,...but he told me he knew it would not end well. He said to me: "you act like you have a hard exterior, but you are a softy inside; EM acts like he has a hard exterior but he is even harder inside." :O/ i was like WOAH. Then he told me how he has dumped other women who he was seeing, involved with for a long time and just wakes up and dumps them. Then i did not feel so bad. But the fact that a male exposed so much of his heart, innards and belly toward me, So soon, It meant something and that is what I hold onto. And those kisses. Gives me pause. Kisses like that dont come along too often. Who throws such away. ? Who can afford to? I know I cant/ Or couldnt . At least i thought so. You live and learn
Then I meet a guy at a club one Friday night. He asks for my phone number and as I enter it my name pops up/ Amusing. WH/ I never met him but I believe we communicated over email years prior/ He organizes one of the biggest annual events here in the island. Seeming nice sweet guy. At some juncture. I wanted to be friends with his partner. But i think all men think all women are potential hookups . So if you hook up with one they think there is the aim to hook up with the other. And these men dont realize , Sister Here Just wants a stable of men to hang out with . Call Connect. Be the other party while i am out amidst the general population dipsticks. But I am learning to take life as it comes, how it comes, leaving apart my designations, designs and preferences. If no decent partner potentials show up, what am i going to do I think i casually decided in 2012 I was not going to continue as I had been. Waiting for gold when only chaff exists. Gotta ride the bull that is in the gate.
Then in between, the same night, there is AB/ What all these recent men have in common and what is new with me is that they are all in my age group or older. For the whole time, months and years prior, I was only meeting men younger than I. I have this computer and writing on it now because of AB> So i am learning to value people for what they bring to the table and not judge them on all what they are missing from my guideline list...
Then there is KP/ Gold wearing rings and necklace Paramin family man hunter builder
We shall see what stories write themselves...
The New Year 2013/ Write a Good One. I intend
So/ the day two really is still day one. Just hours apart.. I wake up thinking working on conceptualizing the project/ the writing/the form/ the characters/ the structure/ whether to hide identities or not . And whether this book is about Men in My Life. All Men. From the bartenders at Hyatt who take care of me like last night - Stephon only charged me for one Asti, not the two I had. and neither did he charge me for the club soda I had in between to keep hydrated. It is what I mean when i write, we may not get or have who or what we want a boyfriend, man, mate or companion to keep us company, do things with us or for us, but if our eyes remain receiving and open, we see wh have and get exactly the gifts that are sufficient. I go to Hyatt bar and i em embraced, loved and cared for. And it is not just the males/ Abiola and Valena look out for me.
But the men. And I think again how this book did not begin last night but a few months ago, like June 2012 actually, when I met Curtis Joseph on the corner of my block, it seemed to have opened a season of males in my life; in search of men. a man to call and embrace as my own, a place and source of love and devotion..yadda yadda yadda. And oh what a journey it has been.
from someone, he, CJ who tried to play me hard but only ended up getting played and crushed. His fourtieth birthday and I had no greeting for him. And he clearly never had any woman to place him as so low on the pile to be inconsequential and not deserving of mention or acknowledgment on the day you were living, working and planning toward for months. But if I come to your birthday party and you try to act like you dont know me, have nothing with me, dont see me, and your new girlfriend is passing me by with the food she is serving, then you get blanked. It was bizarre. I have never been so exacting cool and cruel. And it hurt me more than it hurt him/ For awhile. But then I figured it all out and then I got real ecstatic. I was not a woman victim. I gave as good as I got. The issue is these males are not used to women giving/ Just taking their shit. And this was the first time this sociopsychopath ever encountered that. He was undone. This one. This one who assaulted some partner or girlfriend in the states and had to hightail it out of there. A story too that has more gaps than a gully. I suspect boyfriend was deported, but he denies it. He did tell me of the incident and how he perceives he was taunted and pushed. But CJ looked at me. Saw me fixing my car and dropping 8K no scene and felt i had money and I was to be taken and shooken, played and manipulated. He thought i would want him as a boyfriend and so thus equation-- willing to do anything for him. He said we were together in one breath and the next asked me for money. And my response was quick and flowed like water/ "What is the arrangement of that money? Is that a loan; is it a business partnership? Am I getting a cut into the returns, profits: shares?" He was undone outdone. He has refused to speak to me.
I am generally not a throwaway person. I tell you what I got to tell you and I go on/ Unless shit never stop and your bullshit is incessant. So i could have played my hand and time passed and we could have gone on to try to find a new platform of respect and mutual living, but brotherman was more offended than me. Selah. They often are. That is why that saying in Trinidad: Do So Doh Like So
Then from CJ/
I remember EM the most. The most significant recent. A bomb beautiful perfected kisser with super soft skin. We spent a night together and I was stunned at the level and depth and belly of emotion this man shared with me...His fears and concerns, anxieties and insecurities of his parenting his daughter. And how he said, we would spend much time doing together. And in fact, the man, dont know if he is a total nerd or what, but the man called me a "porn star". I think i underestimated the extent to which this man must have been drunk no arse. But I believed him. It seemed real. But something happened. By morning I could sense it. But i was still oblivious. And then communications were just one line responses to my inbox tomes. And he never answered my call or responded to a text. But I felt : what and how is sociopathic behavior so common. The most blithe is to ignore communications from another. That is like wiping someone out. They dont exist. Luckily, we have a mutual friend, And they witnessed this hookup as it were...and given the outcome I was given to reflection at the moment of inception where I would swear I saw on the face of the mutual friend, resignation, dejection or some other emotions I was not clear,...but he told me he knew it would not end well. He said to me: "you act like you have a hard exterior, but you are a softy inside; EM acts like he has a hard exterior but he is even harder inside." :O/ i was like WOAH. Then he told me how he has dumped other women who he was seeing, involved with for a long time and just wakes up and dumps them. Then i did not feel so bad. But the fact that a male exposed so much of his heart, innards and belly toward me, So soon, It meant something and that is what I hold onto. And those kisses. Gives me pause. Kisses like that dont come along too often. Who throws such away. ? Who can afford to? I know I cant/ Or couldnt . At least i thought so. You live and learn
Then I meet a guy at a club one Friday night. He asks for my phone number and as I enter it my name pops up/ Amusing. WH/ I never met him but I believe we communicated over email years prior/ He organizes one of the biggest annual events here in the island. Seeming nice sweet guy. At some juncture. I wanted to be friends with his partner. But i think all men think all women are potential hookups . So if you hook up with one they think there is the aim to hook up with the other. And these men dont realize , Sister Here Just wants a stable of men to hang out with . Call Connect. Be the other party while i am out amidst the general population dipsticks. But I am learning to take life as it comes, how it comes, leaving apart my designations, designs and preferences. If no decent partner potentials show up, what am i going to do I think i casually decided in 2012 I was not going to continue as I had been. Waiting for gold when only chaff exists. Gotta ride the bull that is in the gate.
Then in between, the same night, there is AB/ What all these recent men have in common and what is new with me is that they are all in my age group or older. For the whole time, months and years prior, I was only meeting men younger than I. I have this computer and writing on it now because of AB> So i am learning to value people for what they bring to the table and not judge them on all what they are missing from my guideline list...
Then there is KP/ Gold wearing rings and necklace Paramin family man hunter builder
We shall see what stories write themselves...
The New Year 2013/ Write a Good One. I intend
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