i slept long last night. almost twelve hours, practically twelve hours.
the life i been living has come to some kind of halt. interestingly enough, from inertia and force from outside it, but on both side circles of the people living it. manipulative people who wake up after decades of taking cool people for granted, thwarting their dreams, shitting on their gifts...and on the other side, demon beast biddies who resent the casual enormity of a person who thinks she has nothing but evidently has everything. but what i am getting to is that these mutual forces outside these two people, on the same date and night, exerted forces on this particular weekend that allowed a break from the regular running and moving so i get to sleep. so it created a break, of what i surmise was a living un/in/sustainable. perhaps that is the end of prologue. this is a curtain call. and the alter beings are arranging the stage for us to enter. enter enter royalty/ even as they are despised.
funny to me because all the events occurring are serving to bring two people together faster than what they were prepared to enact, i think. they may have wanted it, but both were fearful to admit into it. caution, i gather. but all the shenanigans are just serving to sever all things faster, so that manifestation can fire. the same fire pictured in the blaze. was command and designation.
then last night in between my sleep i had a sense and revelation...that since from the first i was unwelcomed, upon meeting, upon sight; and to learn at my horror that my peeps are violated by him and me, is it his size, his spirit enormity, his energy they see, another entity that bullshit cant comport? and one of us is enough..so they try to exclude and designate..only the outer gates...
it might be that we may have halos even the blindingly wicked can see and thus all the further resentment, anger, manipulation, tears and prayers ( i was told all the crying and begging trinis call prayers - i learn something new every day)...and thus the exclusion for violations of homes, and commands to galleries and such...we must be two powerful beings. i know i always was, people see my energy and it enrages them, always been so but i think something else and bigger happens when the two of us come together and we have no idea the magnitude and reflection of that...we must develop more awareness. i suspect that could earn us greater enmity as the path lengthens, the circle broadens. the fear that we are immovable, what is beyond formidable? cause I was told i was that before now, so what now when there is cohort thrice my size?
amazing to me what the ancients and universe designates.
and the futile attempt to interfere, thwart or immobilize...
this issue of power people
and when power people come together
i never knew such entities and people existed before now. makes so much so clear
but last night it came to me that ...we are both stars
i just wish i could clarify some names and deities surrounding this giant so i can understand the character waking too
the seer's words 'mother of the stars' come to mind, again and again, like rasa
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gets me to the pair of crystals that was taken, expropriated; and who that person thinks those crystals were from, about.. but i had hexed those and said any energy and intention brought to bear on them will be sent back to the sender...and i say so again. as I watch it unfolding. this lesson of learning not to resist, but to go with the flow gracefully. ...makes so much so clear....we can seize upon something and in our own twisted psyche and desperation take it to mean something outside of ourselves, and give it mean it harm but what we dont and never know is that the thing we seized upon was us, or some manifestation of us and we projected our own destruction by our own wickedness. i hope i write that clear it comes out like a jumble and even i dont want to read it again for clarity. let it sort it sorts out itself.
//
and it is deep. added deep. we are in a project with its last month of possibility, to make it, to clear it, to cleanse it, and here it is this person is forced to spend energy massaging an exit, and getting battered, cause all the histrionics and being present for it, is going to be a beating. can that energy be sacrificed for that and still be used to manifest dreams, dreams that have been deferred for years and decades. so see here how patterns dont change, even when they are proclaimed to..it is just more of the same
i am writing this cause it will be told and read. i will ask first if my help is needed, then i will share. just awareness. i had already told and shared that it is the ancestors and spirit guides and alter beings and spirits designating this union, this purpose, this coming together, the lives and events involved, we just have to do nothing to fuck it up...but just stay out of the way of the weaving of a new story.
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and i was not even going to write about that, but a fb inbox exchange allowed me to write a line i thought was a good post and as i came to paste it, i realized how it related to my experiences, my cohort's experiences. how it is life. >... "impropriety, no matter how infinitesimal, feeds a world of ills? effortlessly..."
someone steps out of bounds, says something out of timing, people or persons react/respond or ignore it, and then they become the demon because they did not engage the bullshit...an infinitesimal impropriety feeds a world of ills
hm. ok.
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so let me get to my dreams last night...i remember none of them. just this morning...i was somewhere...the states? my cousin Andy was about us? i was around a lot of white women friends, who i just met and made. we were like travelling on a trip? or touring? but it came to one point where i felt my mouth was rimmed with a white line of dried saliva. i could not speak for the filling of my mouth with saliva. i was rushing to find a bathroom where i could wash my mouth .. i could only find a basic, coastal type fish house bar and the bathroom was kind of wood and tin, and the sink was inadequate for me to get a proper wash, but washing my mouth still was not perfect, complete or adequate. I have no idea what that is about. maybe some of my guides on here can tell me. i google about a dream and get feedback on mouthwash (hangs head and shakes)
whatever
I think i am seeing way more about me than i can ever tell, say, speak or testify. and i am among myriad types of sheep who are all deaf, dumb and blind and do not understand my language for them to even hear my speaking. so i am stuck to witness all this madness in silence, in powerlessness? in effective communications?
in personal discomfort of my own parts and existence?
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that is all.
but that is not all
I remember a question and meditation i awakened with this morning...wondering...'how does one understand anger enough to stop giving into that reaction?' what is anger? and then i jumped to Maya and me. tantrums, tirades, rants, and rages. Anger. And it occurred to me that perhaps it is the stunned resistance that we must ever contend with such stupidity from inferior beings, coming at us with bullshit that makes us see red
i dont know. but i thought of other areas and people where i have totally signed off. like trinidad, where it matters not what comes around the bend anymore, but when i first landed here i was full of righteous indignation of what i thought my country should be and who i thought my country men should be of what upstanding character...but when i realize it was only shit and effluent floating around here, and after nine years of agitating to do, be, contribute, align, and it was only shit on my face, I just switched off, to the mad response of many, why i wonder...but i have no response and surely no anger. you realize the banana republic for what it is and you dont try to make cream from the hay. that is all. So how can i bring this approach and awareness to the people who seem to set me off. is it that they have my buttons? hmmm (rewire electric panel)...is it that i am still holding on to historic relations (i cut carl huggins off what is the hold back to cutting them off too?) or is it my own lack of power, agency; that makes my reality of no power palpable, each and every time? I dont know. I just know i want to get like ninja and what ever words or deeds spoken i just bend back and it flies over.
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been calling the ancestors to encamp around us, keep us walking the right path, the straight path forward, protect and embolden us against the demons and principalities and sociopsychopathologies that passes for persons we live amongst...
This morning chuck full and i am still yet to get out the gates.
interesting times
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