this morning written:
i wake up thinking about alignment, right order of things
about reversing ones own frustration of why bother to
return to origins, you do what you can, you live your ideals,
you elevate to transcend, you purpose to stay pure, even in the midst of powerlessness, when all things have fallen apart. it is not to say -what is the use and give in to all manner of self destruction -that wont do
and life is a crap shoot. those who dont smoke end up with lung cancer, and chimneys live strong to be 105. but maturity to which we beg must always ask, if i end up in a bind, would i regret the path i took to bring me here. or are we to avoid things and people that will land us in predicaments. but the wild bird in me will ponder whether that is truly living. it is arguable.
but i nonetheless wake up thinking about a life i have been hounded, talked to, read and instructed for years, if not all my life starting with parents and relatives-- to pray. to pray . to pray
i now pause to wonder why and how it is i have been told so many times by odd and regular characters to do such, said: pray. It is like the riddle that had all and sundry telling me not to smoke. somethings become uncanny after awhile > a mystery to unfold an answer
overall it is to live a life of purity when i think of this alignment-- though i struggle to keep to a regimen, so far out of my own course I am: but to eat healthy, pristine, raw, organic, green-- in this green paradise that we cut down daily, imagine fresh wheatgrass is as nonexistent as the polar bear or an emotionally balanced mature head
even writing that i wonder what must i do to entertain only emotionally mature psychobalanced evolved beings and not broken demon shards parading as persons. should i just come out and ask them? even the newest and most celebrated turn out to be frauds if, when and thus, just a little research to see what exists outside this farce of a place
i think one big calling is to protect my energies, my aura, my body and my spirit, the hardest thing to do if you are not a hermit and even then it is impossible given where one is living, with whom, around what and which.. last night strangers came into a neighbor's yard to wash two cars and i gather one was dripping oil or gas of a kind so they sprayed degreaser, and for some odd reason, that garage, car port is to my house and salon as a windtunnel: whatever happens there and in the street there is sucked into my room as if an industrial fan sucks it for dear life...to reside with me. why lord. how is it that i would be so cursed? so i had to leave the salon and retreat to the great room and the open gallery. the smell of chemical, petrochemicals and spray degreaser hung in my room as if clothes on a hanger. for a long time. i think a point i am making is that so many others of the 1. 3 1.9 million are intent on killing and destabilizing you there really is no need for you to be aparty to the whole thing. redress and combat it; resist and fight it. the old adage of dont fight evil with evil and sourness but with love and kindness
sigh
this life of no control
that is the point, so instead of letting everything go, the call is not to recant, but to hold the reins for what you can control. to have resolve for a certain kind of living. in the meantime, and in the mean while, do what you can. stand firm. stand strong.
and it does get overwhelming. yesterday was one of those days. to see the level of evil the state of israel, the many in this globe who are of less agency, power, choice and safety than me and my petty gripes in comparison, just paralyzes the voice, and you wonder to what point your life. mindless fun and adventures get boring after awhile. failed pursuits embitters; and if you are an empath, well sorry for you- drown in the malaise of morose meted out to others weaker than you- are they??
but it is all bemusing to me
it is like i am a snap back rubber band
tightly held in early life and cut as to be open in later life
and struggling the in between at the station of my unfamiliar
but better get familiar, cause there is no past, there is no future
literally, seriously, that is what this place looks like...
i wrote a line on tuesday about this place's persistent, resistant commitment to futility and frustration---
there is only now and here
so can we at least live that as beautifully and pristine as possible and permittable?
let me get my adjustment on and crazy packed back in
i was just cleaning out to dust out the chest
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last night written:
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