DearMDiary

 

 

 

DearMDiary,

her personal journal left the books and volumes to virtual facebook.

signs of a child truly free and without conditions and restrictions.

Is a sign of early onset diabetes. serious niggeritis after a meal? and does it come having fasted all day? Or unknown to her, was she drained from two days of laundry, clapbacks, putting old folks in place.

Is the choke at karaoke due to the too much menthols

She decided tonight that she will live to 104/ See her children into their fifties. And this is the time to end all things...the liming with deadbeats, smoking, and drinking too much.

She is wondering again if that over indulgence into drinking and alcohol in trinidad is connected to the epidemic incidences of diabetes too, and not just the obesity and food. that hit her thinking of her cousin Nigel being diagnosed oh so many decades ago, in his twenties even

She thinks this time of change is a conflux of events she cant even name. But out of the blue phone calls telling her of American black bankers who are looking for solutions and bridges that she has been building and constructing for the last two years. Waiting for a willing ear. And in the same call hearing about old associates who have lobbed off into her area, of forty three acres plus of organic agriculture.

Being at an awards event for agriculture and getting the hankering that she really ought be planted in that field. And ever the question, how did a nyc brooklyn girl ever find her way into soil, animals, plants, food, poverty and development? but here she is, and almost as if there is not much else that is more her, except maybe cooking, cheffing, arting, innovating, painting, artisting. ArtShramming

Taking the risk of burning bridges of tattered ropes that arnt taking you anywhere, all their and value from a time past, generations gone by, and at birth at best...nothing to take you forward

Listening to talk radio transporting in a car and TDJakes sermon comes on the: the one about people and camps and whether they compete, complete or compliment you. And she got smashed. Transported back to the pews of St Mark's, Stephens' ...and the endless notes of sermons. But something happened in her story when she heard it referenced that it was at thirty when Jesus was sabotaged. And in her memory bank, she started counting: "when was it exactly, what age was I when sandra batie launched her attack to shoot my climbing career that was like an aurora?"

IT sure did seem like thirty. Then Jakes talked again of Jesus at thirty eight..She forgets now what was the synchronicity, the events, the mirror but that was significant too: was it a coming out? a going in? Maybe it was merely the mention of a year in her life that was a watershed, shift, close and opening all at the same time.

But she feels it is time to stop being so damn subversive. what is the point and value, enjoyment or return of being around no one who neither completes or compliments. Time to end the competition parade.

If the mirror is accurate and clear. is she really in thirty years of preparation for ministry? And will be like that Chinese old eighty years guy she wants to marry. She being in her church at sixty, perhaps completed, at sixty eight.

MDiary: why do faces appear to her like a photo gallery in her closed eyes? Who are those people? She just saw one that brought a message. But as I try to related what I observed, I have no language. I just heard her ask, who was that? Who are these people? When and what juncture should i call in for help and backup?""While i write i was searching for that sermon, it is not coming up. It was fascinating. Folk will hate you jakes said when you pull away from their camp. they dont want nary one of y'all to be free...and how dare you

So here now she is in the land of real live human voodoo dolls.

The murti said to be and negated washed ashore, brings that clear as day to the mind open and thinking...It looks just like any one of those many bodies found floating, hogtied in the nation';s water. Limbs and torso pierced, destroyed and paralyzed in strategic places: the left ankle, the right thigh, and point blank in the end of spine/anus. What is their mission? What is the strived for mission.

She heard of her cousin Krissons being sanitized in life and very out of touch with much from the ground...and she wistfully veered off into review...that used to be her..and how she wish her life could be as clean again.

dear mdiary, she is coming down the hall. tear the age out and turn off the lights.