i have been sitting on so much since last evening. processing sessions, revelations and epiphanies.
the greatest observation of all is that the person who played me and not held up his side of a bargain arrangement where I was saving land his family disbanded, abandoned, and among a clap of six or seven adults, none of them saved financially, land that I was to live, organic farm and operate various green technology enterprises... he now wants my status and name as a director on an ngo he is forming for get this, to support african women and children on land tenure. writes me at three in the morning. first ever i am hearing about it. when i tell him i am going back to sleep he tells me send him my name address and occupation. before i go back to sleep.
i went to sleep. when i woke up this morning I wrote him and said seems to me instead of director i need to be a first case beneficiary of said ngo. mind you, this man owes my aunt $22K
where on what planet, what universe? what cosmos?
what kind of being is that?
and what gets me is that you have aspirationals who write shit like everything that happens to you is about you. what about me allowed me to encounter that at 3am this morning?
-----
on to more significant matters
i, last evening, after a session, reflected on so much that still seems to be in transit flying toward me. but major huge things:
Like, one, putting to rest in a complete resolve my past. someone said to me I have a lot of regret and pain about my past and at first I tried to deny it,. because there is also so much pride, accomplishment and experience as well, and a whole trajectory that has made me a truly unique being. but they spoke the truth. I regret the path I was placed in life. I regret spending my youth in academia, i regret the huge dreams I had that never materialized. I regret the pain along the way, the disappointments, the choices of the time and moment, I regret so much about family issues. only to come and relive and replay the same family issues for another sect and part of my family. that part to me is deep. and the very foundation of who and what I thought I was and what enabled me to do so much in life, has been completely eroded and destroyed.
so i do have to come to terms with that
i realize there is more to the above story. more entries under that same banner and dynamic.
my cousin wants me to help him finish his thesis, when, WHEN> last year, midyear we started that very process. I wrote his proposal with him to which he got such an amazing accolade from arthur lok jack and once that happened, guess what, he saw no need of me again, when, WHEN, that was supposed to be a means for me to earn a bit of change. from him and the other students his administrators told him to bring in on the project. so that went dead. Then he had promised to put some change in my hand. Advance to this year, a few weeks ago, he wants me to help him. and my response is < I need a living. mind you this is one of them who tell me, I am unemployed because I choose to be. so imagine my richness to be able to make sure I dont make the choice to be poor again and require payment for my services. but of course, he has a problem with that woudnt he. and asks me, "if i am not helping him if he doesnt have the money" now of course, I would have been willing and tried to indicate listen, i can work with you, i dont have money for a beer or cigarettes or transport. indicating sending the message is small change we talking about here. i told him let us talk, but he has not followed up. but that too i see as the balls of the planets. what is wrong with these male people? their arrogance astounds. arrogance. entitlement, demands. and their sheer complete overlook of your needs, to do or be any think kind for you. that same cousin, if i ask him to drop me somewhere or lets go somewhere, he cant ever make. even standing me up last year to go to a big cultural figure birthday party. and tried to be on scenes. I am writing how people completely fuck me up and tie me up when they behave in such ways that only serve to undermine connections but always feel they are still able to come and work those connections as if their sabotage and depletion never happened.
the other clarity that came to me...is that i need to stop trying to do. to make. to come up. i realize this morning. that everything I had planned for this year, huge mega projects, that i had set up, put pieces on chess board, was just waiting for the calendar to flip, and for folk to land back and get settled and we roll. and it aint happening like that. my main, returned with injuries and debilitating movements. and it is such a sign to me. for his life and for mine. folk are struggling. I keep telling and saying and revealing that. folk who i think are in a better position than me. but they are not. folk are real stressed, about the shrinking economy, vanishing opportunities, lost income, and not even sure how their ideas for future navigation will pan out
from a group of five or six: one bailed out of fear, one has never responded though she was the first recruited. one is not well, just me and my lawyer friend, and i am thinking to leave that alone. let it happen on its own time. cause mine aint.
then i came up with another brilliant idea this week. that too was and is dependent on others and i am struggling making the connections, to set the agreements and arrangements for partnership, get an event coordinator, cause i want it luxe, and then it was less than a three week timeline. for my birthday, a money maker/ a sure money maker dependent on others being on board and working tirelessly for the vision to not falter and meet and exceed it. but that aint happening it dont look like.
so this lesson to just sit still
an executive job that I was so sure I would get, and interviewed for in november, has gone silent and i cant reach a soul to tell me what is happening.
so just sit. still
i have to come to terms with the idea and prospect of possibly never doing another great or good thing again in life. and having no aspirations beyond where i am, moving no where out of where I am.
those deep reconciliations are before me.
i am in therapy though. good therapy. double moded therapy.
No comments:
Post a Comment