10:00 am January 3, 2013
Day 363
In Ifa: essence of clarity
"In
Ifa,
Obatala energy is the essence of Clarity. Within the myriad of
kaleidoscopic energies that comprise our universe, the energy of Clarity
is critically important. It is Clarity that allows us to make the right
decisions, to differentiate right from wrong and perhaps most
importantly, to see the other energies as they truly are! All the tales,
or pataki, of Obatala, are designed to illuminate this reality"
"Obatala is always referred to as The Orisa of the white cloth. White, in
this sense, forms a perfect background for correctly seeing and
identifying that which is around you. White is also viewed as a sign of
purity, but, too often, thanks to the pernicious Christian Missionary
influence on the Yoruba philosophy, this idea of purity has religious or
moral implications. Instead, purity is another aspect of Clarity for
this energy is unblemished, pure in its ability to discern. The moral
judgment of Obatala is not based on this sense of Christian purity, but
rather on this energies absolute ability to see clearly the total
spectrum of energies or issues involved. Obatala is often seen as the
Wise Old Man. Again, age and wisdom are simply representative aspects of
increased clarity and judgment. Obatala is seen as the King of the
Orisa. Again, this is not a power struggle or ego issue, this is simply a
way of pointing out that Clarity of purpose, destiny and behavior will
always take precedence when confusion or disagreement exists. Obatala is
also viewed as the Judge."
--------------------------------------
The hours have been long since this writing emerged/ The thought maps many/ So much so I stall to write now after all the sentences and facets came to me clear as day hours ago...like one am or so...when i was trying to get to sleep. I usually rise and write in such cases, but for the first time ever, I was too tired. I slept. I felt things might get more powerful in clarity. Now they are not bubbling up at me like last night...like the discoveries they were...Now it is like I must return to the meadow and use a metal detector to discover the spots were gold nuggets were spied and identified. TO collect
I am not sure what to call this, but it is Part Two from the last 12:12 January 2, 2013. Family Men
The men i was born to and around. The men with whom I had the most shattering and earth shaking shifting filial, familial, relations. And all the clarity and epiphanies came from the conversation I had with Neal that New Years' Night in the presence of Vanessa.
Just so last night, about one am, reflections, conclusions and keys to riddles were presented. Curses broken. And that is the core right there. Curses
When Neal spoke, he indicated to me he was present when my mother Marina was dying at Mt.Hope.
He remembered Uncle Leroy CURSING me...things that i did not remember....i had no recall on what Uncle Leroy said nor who was present. Neal was there. Thank God. For another part of this telling is the realization that there are witnesses to my life, persecution, hardship, pain and stories. Neal bears witness.
But Uncle Leroy said as Neal mentions that "i was nothing, just a whip; who was I" and all because my mother Marina was in her last act of life, a bitter huge betrayal of all who loved her the most and best---her siblings and I. She had lied to all of us. Telling us she and her husband, my father, Carl Huggins were divorced, when they were not. It was never finalized. But the betrayal on her deathbed was bigger than that. It was due to her wanting to take her last dying breaths in Tortuga - in the house, with the man she left, that her siblings, Leroy and Marjorie, had in fact shielded, protected, cared, housed and managed for her in her last years. The stun and shock was too much for many, so Leroy being man and lion of the pride, needed someone to dump all that ugliness onto, and it was guess who> you know. Me. He faulted me for it. All i remember him saying was that "I am the one who put it in her head to go back to Tortuga" and that "I was in cahoots with Carl Huggins my father"/ So I was to blame. Meanwhile, I Carl Huggins had me to hang because I was with my mother and her family gang. All my life, I suffered and was hated for that one. But here it is at 30. I in league with my father. I could tell my mother what to do, when she never had me to study,. not at thirty and certainly not at ten, when by our closets in Brooklyn New York, I told her, "Mommy lets leave Daddy, I will come with you" I look back on that one experience with such amusement, always because it is a child begging a parent to take an action and the child acting one like an adult, two like a parent, and three like a supporter..entreating them, the unwilling with courage, as if that person is a favored one, in any regard. I was not. I look back and think now there seems to be a theme there. It appears I have been living a life, placing myself with people who i think love and embrace me but really see me as an enemy or someone to just tolerate, neither seen, appreciated nor embraced. I keep trying to build bridges and relationships to those who shun me. Curse me. Curse Me Curse Me.
And that was the thing that hit me last night..
In October 2012, just a few months ago, I happened to stumble upon some kind of relationship seer through a pageant organizer I met and wanted to enter with him...Miss Soignee Mature Trinidad Tobago. It never materialized but I met this woman. She gave me a reading or lack thereof for $200. She told me that "There was a Curse on my Life; that nothing I did would ever come to fruition, manifest, succeed; no man would ever want me" she said because I slept with someone's husband. and that the deed was that a picture or paper with my name was buried in a cemetery a long time ago. And i was flabbergasted. For though I have had interludes and a relationship with married men, they all took place in the US, and I did.do not believe that back in that last twenty years or so, from twenty two to thirty eight that anyone was into voodoo or obeah there, to go to that extent. I did not see the Americans I was around to be in that dabble. Further, my interludes were never of the kind of drama, no confrontations, no fights, no exchanges with wives or public discord...So it just made no sense. I also felt no time ever did i hurt anyone enough to make them do that to me. I still dont. I may be proven wrong but i dont believe it. What this seer said is that "the wife found out, the husband regaled to her all the great things i was and am as a person, to him, as a friend lover and she cursed me to reverse all of that" or something so. (pursed lips-- ) . Then the seer told me she could not help me but she could put me onto someone who could, a woman in NY. and I tried to make contact but it did not work, so I left it alone, only for the woman to call me a month or so later Telling me she will allow me to phone the woman for free. We made arrangements. I spoke to the woman, and without her asking me anything or inquiring about who i was, or my life, she says the same thing."a Curse on my Life for sleeping with someone's husband"> One time I went on edge and they both seemed to me on a scam. Of course the reading cost like US$500 or so, maybe three. And then she sensed my distrust in my voice and tried to tell me off about "when people trying to help me" . I just let her talk but I knew it was because she know I called and caught a hustler. And i pondered that a long time. Both those women, both single or married I supposed, both with children, both Indian..what is their frame of life? what have been their experiences. For one of them told me, "i would have been married already had this curse not taken place" So I realized these so called seer people, see according to their frame and actualizations in life, or lack thereof. I had no money. I wonder if i would have been scammed to giving them my money if I had it. but Nothing was done with this Curse. And of course the money was to pay them to stop and reverse the curse. Makes you wonder who are people if they can help you but refuse to. Which leads you to wonder if you need help at all. If in fact there is a Curse? Who knows. but I did give it thought. I did share it with Vanessa and my Mother Marjorie, for another significant thing they said was that "all the people who are in my corner will be turned from me" which is a real story and experience all these years. My life has stalled. To a grinding Halt. Nothing happening. Nothing working. No career No Love No Friends. NO children. Only dissension, enemies, destroyers and schemers/ Whas dat one? and for so long. Going on exactly twenty years now. How peculiar: 1993 - 2013
So last night as I laid my head down, all these parts seem to map themselves together into answers.
I.
I believed Uncle Leroy's words to me at the time of my mother's death was The Curse.
That timeline is literally when all things stopped happening to and for me. Before 1993, anything I did and said and pursued, spoke and put my hand and efforts and energies into, manifested, bore seed, succeeded. Since 1993...After Now. Nothing
II.
I realize That Curse may have been empowered as I was an energy, a vortex, the middle between another male, my Father, Carl Huggins. He and Leroy were the ostensible opposition. Carl Huggins was told by a Great Uncle in the family, Uncle Sonny, after my mother's death that Mommy and he were not divorced and that the Baptiste family was lying and stealing from and to him and therefore, Implicated and Named me in the Milieu. My father was furious. who knows what he may have said on my head at that time. I do know his actions toward me, his thoughts since then have been nothing but accursing to me and my life. The way he has withheld his girl children and wife from me. His scheming, lying thieving wife. My father has put all his ownerships into the name of his wife Leaving me out. Curse? So i see a Map of a Curse. A Triangle so to speak. Leroy in one corner. Carl in another.
III.
My mother Marina, in the livid lurid lies she spoke, in her love for a sociopsychopath, and in her total lack of character as a human being, mother , woman or filial person, has accursed my life. And certainly done so in the context of this family the Baptiste. The one good thing I had she destroyed for the lies. For they all thought I was involved to have her return from whom they hated and whom they were saving her from. And truth does not matter in these things, only what the cabal says happens / only what they designate is truth>. I am writing this and fascinated my damn self with the revealing. It is so obvious
I took poison and medicine for someone elses everybody elses sickness , illness, malady.
Her action in and of itself, without reaction or response was a curse on my head
Then the responses that were fell to me, pointed and directed and aimed at me. Was more Curse
Far less for the Curses directed to me and my energy field, my head, my life and reality
Bomb Thing
And I got it verbally, silently, quietly, loudly, and from all fronts.
And twenty years later, it still exists, and it was brought onto me, into my personal space when Mona My Aunt was brought into the house I lived in and she already being an enemy from a few months or years before when she violently lashed out at me, broadside, blindside all out affront and accost me for making my Mother Marjorie sick, and her words were "my sister" as if i have no relationship to her or them at all. Was so phenomenal to me
That was a curse.
A silent curse is Michelle , Marjorie's daughter, who silently for years, since my return to Trinidad, out of jealousy, envy and shame for marrying a loser that i told her was a loser, silently thinks ill of me. that I am a 'freeloader' she has called me, or that i am manipulating her mother, I suppose, but wishes me gone and away from here, again, as if I do not belong. And I dont. I dont belong here. But It is where I am. It is where I was born. It was who i was born to. The first one too, if you can imagine. The first girl grandchild, yet I am alien among them/ All these are Curses
So i was drawing a map of a triangle with me in a middle. The Curse started out as a triangle.. But now it is a different shape. The triangle was Carl ---------------- Leroy
\Marina/
But you see that triangle has been buttressed in years since with Mona and Michelle
And there are others. Other Frenemies in the family. Folk I was close to, believing they were my ace boon coon. but over time in a moment, they reveal all what they thought of you at a time, and you are shocked. Disbelieving. IF this is family. WOW>
But so that is the revelation. That it is my Family that has been my Undoing. My family is the cause of my Life Destruction. The Ugly things they have sat, said, spoken upon me. Did to me, Removed from me. Robbed me of. It has been fascinating. Because it is the very same people who gave me my life, birth, roots, wings, pods, enabling and success> Who giveth, Taketh
This is The Curse upon my Life
Wrought by the men First, and the women without identity or agency, power or self actualization just followed.
We do not comprehend the power of words and thoughts
One of the things the seer women said is that she saw that I did not pray like i used to, and she said because of that the thought deeds and actions were able to gain traction and power for there was no opposing field of protection...And that is it. IF we go back to my Manuscript from 2004, Ant Bites...that is the theme of that book. That i returned to Trinidad thinking this place was all love for me, when in fact it was seeking to destroy me, it so hated me. What I thought were plants I could stand in the midst of, were in fact black ants biting the shit out of my feet, legs, bottom...Insect Poisoning..they always take me to the brink of the edge before I can defend myself, But then, Just Barely/. Do I survive. And it is the same story now . Here.
The doctor because of all my little ailments from 2011-2012 told me " i was allergic to my environment" My environment wa/is the Barataria house. But as I write that I feel the answer is awareness. If I know- have consciousness- awareness- and knowledge of what is going on, who are my nemeses, enemies and unfriends/nonfriends, I am able to fight just by that alone. But oh my god. Why me, How me. What did I do in past lives to deserve all of this? And the fact that those to save me keep whittling away, scares me. I thought it was the ancestors keeping me: my grandfather and grandmother, but now i am not so sure. I do not believe anyone living can help or save me. I feel all, at some point, no matter how small, now or before, or hidden and buried have some axe against me, some envy, resentment, anger, indifference an unwilling to help.
I see the latter. Know how many so called 'big people' in my family, across fields> big in their companies. None of them have helped me. But i do not hold it against them. I am different. I am a warrior, a survivor. I am not a doormat. I have not conformed. I am not pliant. And as Neal said to me Monday night..."i am a feminist" and of course he spoke it as if that too was a curse. he even said, "we all know you do that well" so being a feminist is something of a caricature. A paint to cover a whole being with, no other dimension. How absurd. So how people think of you, dictates how they engage you, what they think is possible. and creates the block for your life if they are close enough around you. Fascinating. I cant get over the extent to which your help and salvation, a friend is also your enemy .The one and thing and pod to run from.
--------------
I am writing and writing much but i feel i am not documenting anything as how it was revealed to me last night/ And it feels lost to me.
The bottom line is this: I am in a vortex. A matrix of curses, surrounded from all sides of a Curse and Curses
Another thing I saw was the death of a mother and a brother. That to me indicates a big Life Pod Family Curse. I no longer see that as incidental. And i had heard it before. That my brother's dying was an accident. That it was some obeah gone wrong . Unintended. I now, after last night. Saw that mother death brother death are outcomes of this milieu of evil members in a pod and curses , actions wrought and hands held
From last night, the connection of cancers in my family in recent years, and among all these men, Speaks to me of curses, and not so much received, but Karma for the ugly they have done in life and deed. That pancreatic cancer of Uncle Leroy. Pancreatic Cancer of Ian, Vanessa's husband. Is it that the bitterness of your evil and thus the bile of your life and body can no longer flow. You are stifling and pretending and lying and hiding all your ugliness, so it backs up, Gets to stasis, corrupts, poisons and cancers at the pancreas?????
I could only stop and ponder. I feel i cannot go on That is enough right there to stop the world and presses Let us ponder this
But i go on because Uncle Pat's story does not fit. Why did he have brain cancer. Did he see what was going on? what was happening? Did he perceive the evil about him, and did not know how to integrate, fix, think through, solve the process? and so it stayed there, stuck in his brain, and it befell him? I know one thing...Uncle Pat was always glorifying me. My GodFather. He spoke well of me. He loved me. He shared /shed tears for me. And his children, Neal and Vanessa are proud of him for his spirituality, connection to his mother, my grandmother Maria/Mother Mary in blue...for how he passed this earth. How we was held to by prayer. Called them to say his benedictions and good bye...None around us have lived to that high>
What else...? From last night...as it comes to me I will buttress this note...This 365 days of Life and Men 2013
I have been writing and wondering interspersed throughout if to share this with Mother Marjorie.
She cant contend, stomach and understand all of this. She is living it but has been in denial. Suppressed. And that is how we live in this culture: Dissonance, Denial and Suppression and Woe onto the soul who dares to lift the covers
The thing that comes to me as I write that is the demand and need for me to find the man to save my soul, save my body, bear it fruits of children stars, and to wipe the slate clean. To kill all energies from going further. to break the spells of evil and ugliness. And if i am sensing and factoring all this now, imagine the more that lurks and dwells.
This is what had my head and thoughts spinning about 1am this morning
As I think on scenes to see what my brain may have forgotten from last night
It hits me. At no time did anyone raise an opposing voice of dissension and protection for me. Against the words spoken of Leroy. And we see how we give assent, blessing and ase to the evil of others. No one is innocent.
Another big thing that hit me from Monday night and hit me in expansion and magnitude last night was the revealing of how much I have withstand. From birth to my brother's death. to my mother's death, to now. It is unbelievable : A lot. Too Much. Unheard of. That I have withstood. Still standing. And still sane? Is a Miracle! Nothing But, Nothing Less
I am in Awe
I am tired. I have a right to be And I have been tired for a long time
No one understands the Love it is I am seeking just to stay alive. Just to take me further...
Not Edward Montserin. Not Curtis Joseph. Nor Dean Pugh.. Or the incidental others who i never reached for as far as I did these. But this is what I know. Is only Love can save me now. I have just about bottomed out with capacity in self and silence.
The best i can say is in this conversation with Neal, I realize my story is neither hidden nor unspoken.
Others bear witness
It is also powerful for me. Last Night. Cause I realize I am doing something I wrote glibly a few months earlier: To Be One's Own Seer. And I have no idea how all that stuff hit me in my head last night. Who How or Why. But it was as if all the pieces were present and I laid my head a certain way and it just fell into place. The pieces clicked. Fit. Right cut key into conjunct holes.
I now wish I had risen to write. I still feel I am missing so many nuanced ethereal pieces...
But i will end here. It is enough to make a strong man bow.
And maybe that strong man was Obatala who visited meditated sat and laid with me last night.
