12:12am Tuesday January 2, 2013
Well/
Who knew I would be writing so prolifically. On a spur graphic at that.
Tonight, New Years 2013/ After my family of women had our holiday meal and gathering, I went to visit my cousin/sister Vanessa in Santa Cruz. We had a few hours before her brother, a returning repatriate, returned home from his day's out and limes. We spoke of his views of the States, his new appreciation and review for the culture Trinidad is; and where he places himself in all that/ It was about two hours in when I was almost falling asleep on myself, wanting to be home but dreading driving home that he popped hit me with a question that enlivened the evening and drove all sleep from eye, mind and body... Neal asked about my Father.
He asked if I was at peace:\; Okay with our estranged relationship/ He was pushing me to reconciliate with Carl Huggins. Asking me where I was with death and its unknown time and date and inevitable coming. He was asking me if I told Daddy all I had to tell him. It was fascinating In Hindsight/
I tried to tell him to speak to Neal about Acceptance as a Philosophy in my Life Given my recent life experiences and no career and livelihood of the last ten to twelve years/ I had to put in context for him my long relationship with death, early and unexpectant from an all too early age of twenty two when Junior, My Brother was only eighteen. Then my mother at forty nine---the first one in my family, on either side, of that generation, to die in a long time/
I tried to tell him that one does not talk or reason with one who is mad/ With one of no consciousness and awareness. One living in denial/ I never got to use the words that occurred to me as i drove home like broken. fractured fragmented personalities. I did use traumatized and sociopsychopath. I told Neal one does not contend with someone of a lower vibration.
I tried to convey through time by examples and events how much I have been committed and present with my father through time, after so much evil, ugly, and destabilization he has done me. for Years, since 1993 September when his wife and my mother died. You have to draw the line in the sand at some point. It would be madness to do anything less or otherwise. But it seemed like Neal was committed himself to not getting me. So heavy was he in projection of his own handicaps, new revelations and exposures that he could not get what i was saying.
It was only when i rejected his presentation that "i was okay" I had to ask him what the hell is okay given the prevalence of loss throughout my life. I spoke of my life long intention to be in control and command my determinations that became subzero..that i have had to make peace with; that in deep waters I am not fighting/ I shared with him almost drowning in Maracas as a real life metaphor to survive so much trauma in my life.
We even talked of other painful unbelievable events like when Uncle Leroy cussed me upon my mothers deathbed when she wished and expressed her desire to go to Tortuga to die/ to go to the man she had run away from that all her siblings, especially Leroy and Marjorie had shielded, housed and helped her. The deep betrayal led her elder brother to curse me, trample upon me. my face, visage, body, life and relation. I did not know there were witnesses.
An early agreement between Neal and I was when I said: "imagine my position: hated by both sides because of the conflict of each to the other; so my father is mad at me because i am so close to the Baptiste and the Baptistes are mad at me for not fighting my father for my inheritance, my generational due and what he stole from me via my mother. But i was always good as declaring and deciphering my space and what was not my fight. So i never got tugged either way. As a result, I ended up with allegiance, love and loyalty from neither. I stand solo and alone. Persecuted on all and both sides. Neal agreed with my assessment.
The conversation would not end. And Neal would not give up. He was was intending to paint me into a corner and situation of being crippled by my emotions for my father, of being" a rat to his piper", of "not showing myself bigger and better" > all wrong perspectives and and wrong dynamics/ none of which my interest or motivation. I have made so much peace with my father, who he is, how crippled, his actions, deeds, history, karma, and reconciliation that he or I may depart this world with nary another word between us. And that is okay. Cause sometimes you just have to walk away for your own health and wellbeing. Neal seemingly could not understand this. And saw it as a negative and saw "acceptance" as bullshit. I had no response or words. I did try to show him the error of his logic when applied to other situations.
He thought it was right of Pedelsia to have a problem for me to ask my Uncle Leroy how he felt about his experience with cancer as he was withering away. But now he wants me to go deal with my father. You cant be okay with my silence and off topic in one arena with one relation, but send me to contend in another relation... Hypocritical and Dissonance Much?
It was quite amazing.
I tried to get Vanessa involved from her perspective but she feigned.
All how Neal tried to batter , coerce and manipulate my stance, I stood my ground/ Maintained we are not having the same conversation and worse yet, he was not learning anything from watching my life lived.
I told him he was projecting. To which he agreed.
And I kind of lose touch with the recall at this point of the conversation. Where it took a turn. Just as we were about to close and agree to disagree. See Neal is new to this. He is still processing the passing of his father , my Uncle and GodFather Pat. And how grand it was done by him. But for Uncle Pat's level of consciousness awakeness in living and intention toward his family members: children and wife. He called them all onto him and spoke, said his thank yous and good byes. Gave each one his blessing and clarity. Neal is expecting all deaths to be on that height and vibration. Even Vanessa had to tell him that is not the norm. Far from it.
But the real fat lady swan song is when he walked me out to my car. Where we tried to bring closure...The closure he seemed to think I did not have with my father...Closure to the conversation. For he asked me what did I think he was doing; and why...We went back and talked about Trauma. I was trying to convey to him how traumatized a persona my father was. To which he mentioned how fascinated he is with my father. And so the truth emerges and bubbles to the top. He mentioned how he lost a son and lost a wife...yet he lives as if he is immortal. And as I write it now, I realize i did not give that comment the gravity and weight it deserves. So profound. But it allowed me to tell him that is the level of dissonance, and denial and distance within this person that makes conversation impossible.
Neal mentioned to me his source of trauma- feeling unwanted and unvalidated by his father. and How that made him intense and tizic and only when to the end of Uncle Pat's life the Uncle Pat acknowledge him and see all that he was trying to do to keep him alive. And again, parts of the conversation are fading for me. But it was at this point that we really got to an open clear space and ground. I had to overview for Neal all I have stood with Daddy since 1993... That i have tried to do what he thinks I have not done It is done. Neal explained that seeing the death of his Aunt in London this summer and the fissure and dissonance in that family experience also informed his projections toward me.
Our conversation ended on a high. When he said he finally saw and agree that there was nothing else or more I could do to try to be at peace and in relation with my father. I will amend this chapter when exactly what was said comes back to memory. I know it will.
It was an intense conversation. One I was grateful for. As I do private mental emotional checks with myself from time to time, that if death comes, how comfortable will I be at the dynamic. But I think I am good. I am okay. I am at peace. I have done all I can. I cannot do any more Anything more is spitting in the wind.
And thus was my experience this day and evening of relating all to and about men in my family. Baptiste and Huggins. Parental and Relational. Generational and Cousins.> It is great to have authentic relationships
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