DisAppointments All. Who Appointed Them?

Monday, January 7, 2013



 Painting by Elisabeth Slettnes

  "We’re fools whether we dance or not,
so we might as well dance."
~Japanese Proverb

.=========

so I was off the computer for the day and night
but the day of men and their behaviors kept coming back to me.. and i remembered this blog, this book, of 365 days of life, what is it about, what is it filled with what am i filling it with and i chose this year of eros and men, so here I am.

i switch on. get on fb. and see to discover another male on my page in some form of mental illness. one of these freaks, dysfunctional youths, geek bipolar, obsessive, insistent, and mad if they do not have control and in a codependent relationship. he the giant and his girl, literally, a toddler, by size to his. bizarre. i have learned never to engage him or them. I guess think i learned it once before with her. now i see and get clear not again. sick bastard/ i had no idea this writing would be so rich

the day was full of all kinds of behaviors from them. the first and early was from one who called himself applying to a job to be a breakfast mate/date...to sit and be entertaining while we enjoyed an early meal. His chat started on Friday I believe. He said he would come and check me that evening and began hemming and hawing. said he was on his way but called me twice in between to set up the let down. a schyster clearly. and i can see his face now and i am so passively disgusted by these lame ass no backbone males running all over the place. people who piss you off for myriad reasons, either for dressing like a hazard sign, presuming presumption, lying and dismissing the women they live with who made them children. just trifling.

but the biggest thing about this joker today is that he presumes to phone me, ask me if i am home and says he is in port of spain and will drop by. and i was like and what then? do what? go where? it is raining outside.. and he said if there is some shelter i can stand in. so already he on shit. and so he does. show up. and tries to engage me in conversation in my car port. and would have gone on and one had i not shut him down, asking me to "tell him about me" where do these characters come out from ? at this mature age/ are they serious ? It was wild because i literally felt as if I was getting sick putting up with his idle chatter.  no what else was deep to show you their arrogance. the man actually said to me in the calmest coolest voice, that "i think you have a problem with relations" I swear. even now in reflection i think something was wrong with me, just passively listening and engaging him when he said that. I just said yeah I do. I speak the truth and check folk and the world, life and trinidad aint like that. and he agreed. but really, should i not have cussed him out? who is he to try and tell me about myself>? does he have that privilege who gave it? and therein the rub. the predominance, the privilege assumed and secured regardless of context, permission or legitimacy. I am writing this and realizing I am done with him. I wont even take his calls anymore.

 today i also found myself thinking about EM ...about the schism of how he was when we were together and then the complete silence and shutting down thereafter. and i see him posting 'i wonder if you are a good kisser'/ i wish i could have responded. it does not matter. we hooked up cause we had boss kisses. who knows the riddles and mysteries of people's internal psychology. but i wish all the time that i could hear from him why and i keep asking myself why -- why do i want to speak or hear anything from him. why am i not satisfied that he is some form of a jerk with some major pieces missing. for who disregards any woman like that> you at least, at the base, communicate, right? acknowledge in respect. anyway this evening it occurred to me that perhaps it is possible that people reject others they encounter because from their perspective the other is too perfect. i remember him calling me a porn star  or something like that during the night. an i was shocked and wondered if that was an indication that this man rarely gets sex cause a porn star me is far from any stretch of any delusional reality. but the thing that i think endeared him to me was the emotional vulnerabilities he showed that evening and i was wondering, is it that he was so drunk and all of that was fake? it has me confused. but this is another form of curtis joseph in a way..so i have not yet broke the code. and still waiting to break the story off my back so i can completely forget him. reads pathetic yeah?
sometimes it gets like that

but there is so many aspects to corners.
i met a jamaican guy who spoke with such confidence and promise, and yes he told me he was married, but you know me, i always think it is good to just find company for meals and drinks. and especially he is a digicel regional rep or something so i wrote him today asking if professionally he can connect me to getting a phone and he replied for clarification but then never completed, and i am like why are folk such flakes?

then today after a week of not hearing from him, kevin pierre calls me. another faker. liar, manipulator. I am so making them out. they tell you and talk to you in ways that tell you they are used to dealing with vacuous females. and either you are always combating and confronting them or just being silent in either case, you start stewing..so in reflection after good behavior i had to realize he too...as much as I was looking forward to the weed and the limes in the deep bush and one who could have built me my house, i may have to let him go too. He too was another one who tried to dismiss and undermine his wife or children's mother. the contempt these males deserve can not be found

this was my day of males in my life

-----------------

 

Maven Huggins

• trying to break the overthinking code
  while i realize rejection might come from those who think you are too tv perfect
  such is the impact of great low self esteem
  i think we underestimate how complete this schism in many
  not just women. but men
  with a peculiar mix of arrogance or some such steely perpetrating over another vulnerability they cant do with
  
  i came back to write about my day with them

  .

  David Simmons: vulnerability is the new sexy. embrace it.

  
  

  • 

    Marcia P. Braveboy Belfon: Vulnerability is the ancient and modern bitch!! Nothing sexy bout him and her

    .
  • 

    Neal Baptiste Say More. Don't leave us hanging!
    
    Also u r using euphemisms to make accusations!

    .
  • 

    Marcia P. Braveboy Belfon The things is Maven - judging from the descriptions above, you're not even talking about real people.

    .

"Becoming a Seer Woman In My Old Age" - Aunt Sylvia

Sunday January 6, 2013





My family went to Mayaro today to visit our sister, my Aunt Syliva; 76 year old Parkinson's survivor, but still with acute mental faculties.
She stunned me for i was about the fourth person to greet her but it was to me she immediately said after my kiss and hug, "I am turning into a seer woman in my old age: I dream things before they happen and I see you at home" Now why did she tell me. And why is she seeing me. And why is this Aunt mentioning Seer, to me.

There are no coincidences. but I was eternally grateful that we made the trip and that I was present. And that for whatever she saw, she told me , shared with me her experiences. I took this pic as we were leaving. Her grandson Aaron, and her great grand daughter... not Aarons.

My Aunt Sylvia
the energies are strong in my family.
and on both sides of the ancestry

Snakes Death Money Negotiations Thefts and Dreams

It is 11:04am Friday January 4, 2013

I had this dream during last night. I wrote it on my fblog. I am now reproducing it here.
As well as an interpretation I received on it

"i wasnt going to share about it but why else will a snake show up in my stream. and this early. and much like the one > real, dreamt, imagined.

i had a night of interesting dreams

a big snake, what are they called, not a boa, but something like it...i was with a few people on rocks, amidst water, that coming out had some bush...like we were exploring and there was a pool on and in the rocks. and we had spread out so we were all walking independently. and as i walked out and back to the road, i saw a snake's head under a rock and a few steps further, another one wrapped around a tree, upside down, its head and about two feet of its body. I thought i could have pass by unobstructed without disturbing it and it attacking me was never my idea, concern or story. But it did. it swerved out- but not just to bite me, but to constrict me. so maybe it was a constrictor, afterall. and it wrapped in seconds and its head was at my right side back and by this time others were watching but no one did anything and it reminds me of the time a little boy snatched my grandmother's gold bracelet from my hand, in a crowd, filled with people watching, i imagined, but no one did anything...everyone oblivious...but here it was only after the boa constricted me and had me wrapped a few times and not tightly for it is not like my breathing was impeded, but maybe it was--cause a part of the dream was the measured deep breaths i was taking to calm myself and 'adjust' to the situation--but the snake bit me. and i had this calm but calm shock of...this is it isnt it ? and i remember asking someone if i was going to die that is when i tried to adjust my breathing. to breathe. to make it deep even though they say not to breathe deeply because the poison flows through your bloodstream swiftly then. Then I stood there frothing at the mouth and had the sense oh that is how people die, they drown. And i remember from standing to lying and turning my head to empty my mouth but it was like i was becoming paralyzed but i was very aware and conscious and active and even my speaking was not verbal but mental. it was all bizarre and oh too very real. I was not dreaming of dying. I was dying. Literally. is what it felt like. So much so i had to move when i caught my awakened self, the dream felt so real. And when I realized I was really dying, I said to myself: 'let me see what this dying thing is about' and somehow, though i was wrapped, i was looking at my nails - almost as if i was numbering the body morphing into its state. crazy

now this dream taught me a lot. I learned i am to glib about being and going into the bush, by rivers. I do it without a second thought, And never with concern for encountering snakes and such.

I have no idea where and why this dream. the snake biting me in the back. I dont know if it relates to real life dynamics with others, or if it is all the brouhaha neverseecomesee business at the zoo and the pregnant anaconda as if this is not deep forest origin land where anacondas and boas inhabit/ed before us or if it is the zoo is so nonfunctioning...the world has been recreated for them with this snake find. smh...but i have just been looking on thinking how ludicrous these people. it is like me being a cake maker and being shocked and all international press must come when someone delivers me a cake. anywayswho...

i feel this dream tells me to take caution. and perhaps too it was because i was in bush forest country on Saturday...and my guide told me to be careful about snakes as i went under a lime tree to collect dropped fruit. i never think of snakes.

for this vivid over real surreal dream of a snake and its embrace, and bite and my death in the dream that seemed itself too done and real...i wonder of the meaning.

the other thing i was taught from this dream is what to do. someone should have been around me and when the snake tried to lunge for me grab its head and slice it off. the other thing I realized is that i should have lunged toward the snake and drop to the ground and roll...to avoid it. for it was already lungeing toward me...i was just imagining an escape.

so as if this dream werent enough, i had a money dream. having it in hand. putting it out in the open, on desks, fearlessly, in the presence of others who were scheming to take it. hide it.

what a night of destination, encounters, scraps and travels

---------------------

Interpretations

• 

  Adafih Noble- Lue Shue
  
  "ill give u my take on it if u don't mind. it can have several meanings but bc im still sleepy ill just write one of the meanings i gather from the dream. the dream is good dream. 2013 is the year of the snake. by the snake lunging at u in full force in that manner i think all the blessings rewards of 2013 will come at u in such a manner as well. the snake biting u especially in the back means to put all the drama of 2012 and before behind u...and the death ( or near death) of you means that you should let it all go and prepare for your rebirth to accept the good things of 2013. to me its a good dream....i always grew up knowing that death in a dream is good.....2013 will be a great year for you ...any way that's just my 2 cents of what i think it may mean

  as i read the dream over there is so much to it...that can be interpreted ....the persons not helping while you be attacked could be persons being in awe or envious of your new found success (fortune/ blessing).....I like that your breathing changed and that you breathed deeply....it means u will adapt , acknowledge and accept this new change in your life without resistance.....notice u didnt fight the death in the dream, but wanted to experience it and was a bit fascinated by it as well.....u will do what u need to do this year to reap all the rewards that are destined in your path.....if i dont stop now this interpretation will b too long lol "
  
  ------------------
  

  • Today
  • 
    

    
    

    
    

    i just gave an interpretation of your snake dream. i hope u didnt mind...but i love trying to interpret dreams
  • 

    10:56

    Maven Huggins
    

    
    

    you are most welcome. thank you for offering. such contributions are valuable to me too
  • 
    

    
    

    
    

    Adafih@! My Goodness Goddess...
    your interpretation makes me smile with a deep chill and tickled joy.
    Please write all that you can. I will read it all.
    I somehow had no ill or bad feelings about the dream but was not sure. just gave it as it came and as i had it
    the money part i kept some things...think it stems from a real life issue.. and between navigating/negotiating/talking with people. in the open. money on the table, i was not hiding. and they agree, it is mine so i think we are all comfortable so i leave it there and they all try to snatch parts and parcels, pieces of it. hiding it in lunchboxes pockets and shirts. the dream starts out with the big people and those i think involved (white women) and then it ends up with little boys in early 1900s school clothes: shorts and such with proper shirts and jackets and caps. and seem as if the airport or airplane was nearby and this took place near the wings or airport.
    Write me all that you wish to . please be a part of this blessing and ushering
    Thanks a Bundle and Abundantly for contributing too> That is best/blessed
  • 
    

    12:24

    Adafih Noble- Lue Shue
    

    
    

    is this another dream? or two dreams? im slightly confused

    glad u like the interpretation
  • 
    

    12:32

    Maven Huggins
    

    
    

    i had two dreams last night. it is written in the same post. at the end. the snake dream came first then the money dream. both separate and distinct
  • 
    

    12:33

    Adafih Noble- Lue Shue
    

    
    

    ok

    im rereading the dream
  • 
    

    12:40

    Adafih Noble- Lue Shue
    

    
    

    perhaps the 2nd dream is'nt as distinct as u think....perhaps the money is the blessings (fortune) i was telling u about in the snake dream...and it is a warning for you to guard it because there are people that would want to take that happiness/ success from u......i think the two dreams are very much related. this 1st one telling u of your great sucess and the other one warning you to guard and be careful of WHO you tell about this great fortune....remember all skin teeth not smile....just my view lol
  • 
    

    12:41

    Maven Huggins
    

    
    

    wow. Adafih...that is so helpful. i am stunned. I missed all of that
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    2013 THE YEAR OF THE SNAKE - WISDOM - PURIFICATION - A NEW ORDER OF BEING - MERGING WITH YOUR TRUE GODHOOD
    
    "You are nearly entering the year 2013 and this means you have made it through a hard year. I cannot promise you that things will get better. I could lie to you for the sake of your ego’s and say that everything will be ok after the end of this year but this is not so. There will come more challenges and you must remain strong in order to deal with these changes. This is only the beginning. You are so needed right now. Please, we ask you, to pull out all stops and use every tool you were born with to help with the transitions.
    
    I want to talk to you about the year 2013 which is the year of the Serpent; the cosmic Serpent and the return of the masters and the gods even though many have already been born for the past 40 years. It is also the year that the son of man will be born who will then lead humanity into the light."
    
    http://esophoria.org/2013-and-the-year-of-the-snake/
    
    "2013 is the year of the serpent and it is a time of great purging. Ananke, who you know as the Great Goddess or Tiamat, is on Earth moving between dimensions, uprooting and destroying, and this will bring chaos for it is only through chaos that order be found once again and rearranged into a new way. Chronus then cleanses everything that is not productive or positive for Earth consciousness. As everything and all beings are releasing the old and the toxic, so Chronus will harvest this to be transmuted into light. Ananke is the Earth serpent that ignites the spark of the Kundalini within each of you and this Kundalini rises to meet Chronus. The Great Mother nourishes your Kundalini and enables you to release your old perceptions of yourselves."
    
    http://esophoria.org/2013-the-13-i-am-dimensions-of-one/

My Vertical Oracle Reading

THE FUTURE

A redemption amidst the ruins:
Pluto in Sagittarius or in the Ninth House

A grail-like chalice rises above a toxic, post-industrial wasteland. Though the odds may be stacked against you, the situation can be saved with some imagination and hard work. The triumph of optimistic ideals over cynical pessimism demands a heroic vision and a persistence of effort and soul.

In the Grail mythos King Arthur had to marry the land before ruling the people, suggesting the need for vertical union before horizontal involvement.

To redeem an otherwise bleak and dismal situation now requires your undivided commitment not to change the world or to change others but towards stabilizing your own vertical integrity.

You are looking to envision a future to not merely "live with" but to live for. 

GRATIFICATION Satiation of the senses: Moon in Taurus or in the Second House Sometimes, a sensual debauch can heal an overworked mind. You may be in dire need of a total immersion in the pleasures of the flesh; good food, wine, sex, Etc. This open-mouthed flower symbolizes all earthy satisfactions blossoming in the garden of hedonistic delights. If on the other hand, you’ve become compulsively obsessed with pleasing only yourself, treat this card as an early warning signal: your vertical sources may be temporarily disconnected. Esoterically, this same image might represent that pnmordial gnawing hunger in the pit of the stomach; a void no material substance money, sex, food, drugs can fill. Taken at surface value, however, this seems more about life's simple pleasures. Deliberate & unmitigated enthrallment: Sun in Leo or in the Fifth House Welcome to Beginning, Intermediate & Advanced Fun where the most imaginative trouble wins. Beginning Fun is about getting high; rising above dismal cultural boredom in rebellious chaos and spontaneous mirth. Intermediate, or disciplined, Fun knows how to stay high by an act of aesthetic grace; Rimbaud’s poetics of delirium for the earrangement of the senses. Advanced Fun renders the high contagious and subversive like Timothy Leary’s charismatic evolutionary agents of change. All three phases reflect various degrees in the absorption, integration and transmission of post-survival, creative energies. source: http://www.toriffic.co.uk/vertical_oracle.html

What I did with my Third Day of 2013 Anna Maria Baptiste

On Sunday coming will be my little cousin's Sweet Sixteenth birthday.
She is the first one in the family to speak of a Sweet Sixteenth> Something I can relate to having had one myself. But Truly, it is because she has lived abroad. And now in the states

There was a dinner for her tonight. I invited myself. Just so i could gift her my ArtPost Poster of my Venetian Violent painting. and one of my Cards. It brings me joy that i have a stock of gifts ready to dispense when the moment and opportunity arises/arrives/

I insisted on being a part of one of the family's little one's life. For that I am proud/

The Men in My Family Life. Part Two: Broken Family/ Promised Curses

10:00 am January 3, 2013
Day 363

 

In Ifa: essence of clarity

"In Ifa, Obatala energy is the essence of Clarity. Within the myriad of kaleidoscopic energies that comprise our universe, the energy of Clarity is critically important. It is Clarity that allows us to make the right decisions, to differentiate right from wrong and perhaps most importantly, to see the other energies as they truly are! All the tales, or pataki, of Obatala, are designed to illuminate this reality"

"Obatala is always referred to as The Orisa of the white cloth. White, in this sense, forms a perfect background for correctly seeing and identifying that which is around you. White is also viewed as a sign of purity, but, too often, thanks to the pernicious Christian Missionary influence on the Yoruba philosophy, this idea of purity has religious or moral implications. Instead, purity is another aspect of Clarity for this energy is unblemished, pure in its ability to discern. The moral judgment of Obatala is not based on this sense of Christian purity, but rather on this energies absolute ability to see clearly the total spectrum of energies or issues involved. Obatala is often seen as the Wise Old Man. Again, age and wisdom are simply representative aspects of increased clarity and judgment. Obatala is seen as the King of the Orisa. Again, this is not a power struggle or ego issue, this is simply a way of pointing out that Clarity of purpose, destiny and behavior will always take precedence when confusion or disagreement exists. Obatala is also viewed as the Judge."

--------------------------------------

The hours have been long since this writing emerged/ The thought maps many/ So much so I stall to write now after all the sentences and facets came to me clear as day hours ago...like one am or so...when i was trying to get to sleep. I usually rise and write in such cases, but for the first time ever, I was too tired. I slept. I felt things might get  more powerful in clarity. Now they are not bubbling up at me like last night...like the discoveries they were...Now it is like I must return to the meadow and use a metal detector to discover the spots were gold nuggets were spied and identified. TO collect

I am not sure what to call this, but it is Part Two from the last 12:12 January 2, 2013. Family Men
The men i was born to and around. The men with whom I had the most shattering and earth shaking shifting filial, familial, relations. And all the clarity and epiphanies came from the conversation I had with Neal that New Years' Night in the presence of Vanessa.

Just so last night, about one am, reflections, conclusions and keys to riddles were presented. Curses broken. And that is the core right there. Curses

When Neal spoke, he indicated to me he was present when my mother Marina was dying at Mt.Hope.
He remembered Uncle Leroy CURSING me...things that i did not remember....i had no recall on what Uncle Leroy said nor who was present. Neal was there. Thank God. For another part of this telling is the realization that there are witnesses to my life, persecution, hardship, pain and stories. Neal bears witness.

But Uncle Leroy said as Neal mentions that "i was nothing, just a whip; who was I" and all because my mother Marina was in her last act of life, a bitter huge betrayal of all who loved her the most and best---her siblings and I. She had lied to all of us. Telling us she and her husband, my father, Carl Huggins were divorced, when they were not. It was never finalized. But the betrayal on her deathbed was bigger than that. It was due to her wanting to take her last dying breaths in Tortuga - in the house, with the man she left, that her siblings, Leroy and Marjorie, had in fact shielded, protected, cared, housed and managed for her in her last years. The stun and shock was too much for many, so Leroy being man and lion of the pride, needed someone to dump all that ugliness onto, and it was guess who> you know. Me. He faulted me for it. All i remember him saying was that "I am the one who put it in her head to go back to Tortuga" and that "I was in cahoots with Carl Huggins my father"/ So I was to blame. Meanwhile, I Carl Huggins had me to hang because I was with my mother and her family gang. All my life, I suffered and was hated for that one. But here it is at 30. I in league with my father. I could tell my mother what to do, when she never had me to study,. not at thirty and certainly not at ten, when by our closets in Brooklyn New York, I told her, "Mommy lets leave Daddy, I will come with you" I look back on that one experience with such amusement, always because it is a child begging a parent to take an action and the child acting one like an adult, two like a parent, and three like a supporter..entreating them, the unwilling with courage, as if that person is a favored one, in any regard. I was not. I look back and think now there seems to be a theme there. It appears I have been living a life, placing myself with people who i think love and embrace me but really see me as an enemy or someone to just tolerate, neither seen, appreciated nor embraced. I keep trying to build bridges and relationships to those who shun me. Curse me. Curse Me Curse Me.

And that was the thing that hit me last night..
In October 2012, just a few months ago, I happened to stumble upon some kind of relationship seer through a pageant organizer I met and wanted to enter with him...Miss Soignee Mature Trinidad Tobago. It never materialized but I met this woman. She gave me a reading or lack thereof for $200. She told me that "There was a Curse on my  Life; that nothing I did would ever come to fruition, manifest, succeed; no man would ever want me" she said because I slept with someone's husband. and that the deed was that a picture or paper with my name was buried in a cemetery a long time ago. And i was flabbergasted. For though I have had interludes and a relationship with married men, they all took place in the US, and I did.do not believe that back in that last twenty years or so, from twenty two to thirty eight that anyone was into voodoo or obeah there, to go to that extent. I did not see the Americans I was around to be in that dabble. Further, my interludes were never of the kind of drama, no confrontations, no fights, no exchanges with wives or public discord...So it just made no sense. I also felt no time ever did i hurt anyone enough to make them do that to me. I still dont. I may be proven wrong but i dont believe it. What this seer said is that "the wife found out, the husband regaled to her all the great things i was and am as a person, to him, as a friend lover and she cursed me to reverse all of that" or something so.  (pursed lips-- ) . Then the seer told me she could not help me but she could put me onto someone who could, a woman in NY. and I tried to make contact but it did not work, so I left it alone, only for the woman to call me a month or so later Telling me she will allow me to phone the woman for free. We made arrangements. I spoke to the woman, and without her asking me anything or inquiring about who i was, or my life, she says the same thing."a Curse on my Life for sleeping with someone's husband"> One time I went on edge and they both seemed to me on a scam. Of course the reading cost like US$500 or so, maybe three. And then she sensed my distrust in my voice and tried to tell me off about "when people trying to help me" . I just let her talk but I knew it was because she know I called and caught a hustler. And i pondered that a long time. Both those women, both single or married I supposed, both with children, both Indian..what is their frame of life? what have been their experiences. For one of them told me, "i would have been married already had this curse not taken place" So I realized these so called seer people, see according to their frame and actualizations in life, or lack thereof. I had no money. I wonder if i would have been scammed to giving them my money if I had it. but Nothing was done with this Curse. And of course the money was to pay them to stop and reverse the  curse. Makes you wonder who are people if they can help you but refuse to. Which leads you to wonder if you need help at all. If in fact there is a Curse? Who knows. but I did give it thought. I did share it with Vanessa and my Mother Marjorie, for another significant thing they said was that "all the people who are in my corner will be turned from me" which is a real story and experience all these years. My life has stalled. To a grinding Halt. Nothing happening. Nothing working. No career No Love No Friends. NO children. Only dissension, enemies, destroyers and schemers/ Whas dat one? and for so long. Going on exactly twenty years now. How peculiar: 1993 - 2013

So last night as I laid my head down, all these parts seem to map themselves together into answers.
I.
I believed Uncle Leroy's words to me at the time of my mother's death was The Curse.

That timeline is literally when all things stopped happening to  and for me. Before 1993, anything I did and said and pursued, spoke and put my hand and efforts and energies into, manifested, bore seed, succeeded. Since 1993...After Now. Nothing

II.
I realize That Curse may have been empowered as I was an energy, a vortex, the middle between another male, my Father, Carl Huggins. He and Leroy were the ostensible opposition. Carl Huggins was told by a Great Uncle in the family, Uncle Sonny, after my mother's death that Mommy and he were not divorced and that the Baptiste family was lying and stealing from and to him and therefore, Implicated and Named me in the Milieu. My father was furious. who knows what he may have said on my head at that time. I do know his actions toward me, his thoughts since then have been nothing but accursing to me and my life. The way he has withheld his girl children and wife from me. His scheming, lying thieving wife. My father has put all his ownerships into the name of his wife Leaving me out. Curse? So i see a Map of a Curse. A Triangle so to speak. Leroy in one corner. Carl in another.

III.
My mother Marina, in the livid lurid lies she spoke, in her love for a sociopsychopath, and in her total lack of character as a human being, mother , woman or filial person, has accursed my life. And certainly done so in the context of this family the Baptiste. The one good thing I had she destroyed for the lies. For they all thought I was involved to have her return from whom they hated and whom they were saving her from. And truth does not matter in these things, only what the cabal says happens / only what they designate is truth>. I am writing this and fascinated my damn self with the revealing. It is so obvious

I took poison and medicine for someone elses everybody elses sickness , illness, malady.

Her action in and of itself, without reaction or response was a curse on my head
Then the responses that were fell to me, pointed and directed and aimed at me. Was more Curse
Far less for the Curses directed to me and my energy field, my head, my life and reality

Bomb Thing
And I got it verbally, silently, quietly, loudly, and from all fronts.
And twenty years later, it still exists, and it was brought onto me, into my personal space when Mona My Aunt was brought into the house I lived in and she already being an enemy from a few months or years before when she violently lashed out at me, broadside, blindside all out affront and accost me for making my Mother Marjorie sick, and her words were "my sister" as if i have no relationship to her or them at all. Was so phenomenal to me

That was a curse.

A silent curse is Michelle , Marjorie's daughter, who silently for years, since my return to Trinidad, out of jealousy, envy and shame for marrying a loser that i told her was a loser, silently thinks ill of me. that I am a 'freeloader' she has called me, or that i am manipulating her mother, I suppose, but wishes me gone and away from here, again, as if I do not belong. And I dont. I dont belong here. But It is where I am. It is where I was born. It was who i was born to. The first one too, if you can imagine. The first girl grandchild, yet I am alien among them/ All these are Curses

So i was drawing a map of a triangle with me in a middle. The Curse started out as a triangle.. But now it is a different shape. The triangle was Carl ---------------- Leroy
                                                                                  \Marina/

But you see that triangle has been buttressed in years since with Mona and Michelle

And there are others. Other Frenemies in the family. Folk I was close to, believing they were my ace boon coon. but over time in a moment, they reveal all what they thought of you at a time, and you are shocked. Disbelieving. IF this is family. WOW>

But so that is the revelation. That it is my Family that has been my Undoing. My family is the cause of my Life Destruction. The Ugly things they have sat, said, spoken upon me. Did to me, Removed from me. Robbed me of. It has been fascinating. Because it is the very same people who gave me my life, birth, roots, wings, pods, enabling and success> Who giveth, Taketh

This is The Curse upon my Life
Wrought by the men First, and the women without identity or agency, power or self actualization just followed.

We do not comprehend the power of words and thoughts
One of the things the seer women said is that she saw that I did not pray like i used to, and she said because of that the thought deeds and actions were able to gain traction and power for there was no opposing field of protection...And that is it. IF we go back to my Manuscript from 2004, Ant Bites...that is the theme of that book. That i returned to Trinidad thinking this place was all love for me, when in fact it was seeking to destroy me, it so hated me. What I thought were plants I could stand in the midst of, were in fact black ants biting the shit out of my feet, legs, bottom...Insect Poisoning..they always take me to the brink of the edge before I can defend myself, But then, Just Barely/. Do I survive. And it is the same story now . Here.

The doctor because of all my little ailments from 2011-2012 told me " i was allergic to my environment" My environment wa/is the Barataria house. But as I write that I feel the answer is awareness. If I know- have consciousness- awareness- and knowledge of what is going on, who are my nemeses, enemies and unfriends/nonfriends, I am able to fight just by that alone. But oh my god. Why me, How me. What did I do in past lives to deserve all of this? And the fact that those to save me keep whittling away, scares me. I thought it was the ancestors keeping me: my grandfather and grandmother, but now i am not so sure. I do not believe anyone living can help or save me. I feel all, at some point, no matter how small, now or before, or hidden and buried have some axe against me, some envy, resentment, anger, indifference an unwilling to help.

I see the latter. Know how many so called 'big people' in my family, across fields> big in their companies. None of them have helped me. But i do not hold it against them. I am different. I am a warrior, a survivor. I am not a doormat. I have not conformed. I am not pliant. And as Neal said to me  Monday night..."i am a feminist" and of course he spoke it as if that too was a curse. he even said, "we all know you do that well" so being a feminist is something of a caricature. A paint to cover a whole being with, no other dimension. How absurd. So how people think of you, dictates how they engage you, what they think is possible. and creates the block for your life if they are close enough around you. Fascinating. I cant get over the extent to which your help and salvation, a friend is also your enemy .The one and thing and pod to run from.

--------------

I am writing and writing much but i feel i am not documenting anything as how it was revealed to me last night/ And it feels lost to me.

The bottom line is this: I am in a vortex. A matrix of curses, surrounded from all sides of a Curse and Curses

Another thing I saw was the death of a mother and a brother. That to me indicates a big Life Pod Family Curse. I no longer see that as incidental. And i had heard it before. That my brother's dying was an accident. That it was some obeah gone wrong . Unintended.  I now, after last night. Saw that   mother death brother death are outcomes of this milieu of evil members in a pod and curses , actions wrought and hands held

From last night, the connection of cancers in my family in recent years, and among all these men, Speaks to me of curses, and not so much received, but Karma for the ugly they have done in life and deed. That pancreatic cancer of Uncle Leroy. Pancreatic Cancer of Ian, Vanessa's husband. Is it that the bitterness of your evil and thus the bile of your life and body can  no longer flow. You are stifling and pretending and lying and hiding all your ugliness, so it backs up, Gets to stasis, corrupts, poisons and cancers at the pancreas?????

I could only stop and ponder. I feel i cannot go on That is enough right there to stop the world and presses Let us ponder this

But i go on because Uncle Pat's story does not fit. Why did he have brain cancer. Did he see what was going on? what was happening? Did he perceive the evil about him, and did not know how to integrate, fix, think through, solve the process? and so it stayed there, stuck in his brain, and it befell him? I know one thing...Uncle Pat was always glorifying me. My GodFather. He spoke well of me. He loved me. He shared /shed tears for me. And his children, Neal and Vanessa are proud of him for his spirituality, connection to his mother, my grandmother Maria/Mother Mary in blue...for how he passed this earth. How we was held to by prayer. Called them to say his benedictions and good bye...None around us have lived to that high>

What else...? From last night...as it comes to me I will buttress this note...This 365 days of Life and Men 2013







I have been writing and wondering interspersed throughout if to share this with Mother Marjorie.
She cant contend, stomach and understand all of this. She is living it but has been in denial. Suppressed. And that is how we live in this culture: Dissonance, Denial and Suppression and Woe onto the soul who dares to lift the covers

The thing that comes to me as I write that is the demand and need for me to find the man to save my soul, save my body, bear it fruits of children stars, and to wipe the slate clean. To kill all energies from going further. to break the spells of evil and ugliness. And if i am sensing and factoring all this now, imagine the more that lurks and dwells.

This is what had my head and thoughts spinning about 1am this morning
As I think on scenes to see what my brain may have forgotten from last night
It hits me. At no time did anyone raise an opposing voice of dissension and protection for me. Against the words spoken of Leroy. And we see how we give assent, blessing and ase to the evil of others. No one is innocent.

Another big thing that hit me from Monday night and hit me in expansion and magnitude last night was the revealing of how much I have withstand. From birth to my brother's death. to my mother's death, to now. It is unbelievable : A lot. Too Much. Unheard of. That I have withstood. Still standing. And still sane?  Is a Miracle! Nothing But, Nothing Less

I am in Awe
I am tired. I have a right to be And I have been tired for a long time
No one understands the Love it is I am seeking just to stay alive. Just to take me further...
Not Edward Montserin. Not Curtis Joseph. Nor Dean Pugh.. Or the incidental others who i never reached for as far as I did these. But this is what I know. Is only Love can save me now.  I have just about bottomed out with capacity in self and silence.

The best i can say is in this conversation with Neal, I realize my story is neither hidden nor unspoken.
Others bear witness

It is also powerful for me. Last Night. Cause I realize I am doing something I wrote glibly a few months earlier: To Be One's Own Seer. And I have no idea how all that stuff hit me in my head last night. Who How or Why. But it was as if all the pieces were present and I laid my head a certain way and it just fell into place. The pieces clicked. Fit. Right cut key into conjunct holes.

I now wish I had risen to write. I still feel I am missing so many nuanced ethereal pieces...
But i will end here. It is enough to make a strong man bow.
And maybe that strong man was Obatala who visited meditated sat and laid with me last night.

The Men in My Life are not Just New...Family

12:12am Tuesday January 2, 2013




Well/
Who knew I would be writing so prolifically. On a spur graphic at that.

Tonight, New Years 2013/ After my family of women had our holiday meal and gathering, I went to visit my cousin/sister Vanessa in Santa Cruz. We had a few hours before her brother, a returning repatriate, returned home from his day's out and limes. We spoke of his views of the States, his new appreciation and review for the culture Trinidad is; and where he places himself in all that/ It was about two hours in when I was almost falling asleep on myself, wanting to be home but dreading driving home that he popped hit me with a question that enlivened the evening and drove all sleep from eye, mind and body... Neal asked about my Father.

He asked if I was at peace:\; Okay with our estranged relationship/ He was pushing me to reconciliate with Carl Huggins. Asking me where I was with death and its unknown time and date and inevitable coming. He was asking me if I told Daddy all I had to tell him. It was fascinating In Hindsight/

I tried to tell him to speak to Neal about Acceptance as a Philosophy in my Life Given my recent life experiences and no career and livelihood of the last ten to twelve years/ I had to put in context for him my long relationship with death, early and unexpectant from an all too early age of twenty two when Junior, My Brother was only eighteen. Then my mother at forty nine---the first one in my family, on either side, of that generation, to die in a long time/

I tried to tell him that one does not talk or reason with one who is mad/ With one of no consciousness and awareness. One living in denial/ I never got to use the words that occurred to me as i drove home like broken. fractured fragmented personalities. I did use traumatized and sociopsychopath. I told Neal one does not contend with someone of a lower vibration.

I tried to convey through time by examples and events how much I have been committed and present with my father through time, after so much evil, ugly, and destabilization he has done me. for Years, since 1993 September when his wife and my mother died. You have to draw the line in the sand at some point. It would be madness to do anything less or otherwise. But it seemed like Neal was committed himself to not getting me. So heavy was he in projection of his own handicaps, new revelations and exposures that he could not get what i was saying.

It was only when i rejected his presentation that "i was okay"   I had to ask him what the hell is okay given the prevalence of loss throughout my life. I spoke of my life long intention to be in control and command my determinations that became subzero..that i have had to make peace with; that in deep waters I am not fighting/ I shared with him almost drowning in Maracas as a real life metaphor to survive so much trauma in my life.

We even talked of other painful unbelievable events like when Uncle Leroy cussed me upon my mothers deathbed when she wished and expressed her desire to go to Tortuga to die/ to go to the man she had run away from that all her siblings, especially Leroy and Marjorie had shielded, housed and helped her. The deep betrayal led her elder brother to curse me, trample upon me. my face, visage, body, life and relation. I did not know there were witnesses.

An early agreement between Neal and I was when I said: "imagine my position: hated by both sides because of the conflict of each to the other; so my father is mad at me because i am so close to the Baptiste and the Baptistes are mad at me for not fighting my father for my inheritance, my generational due and what he stole from me via my mother. But i was always good as declaring and deciphering my space and what was not my fight. So i never got tugged either way. As a result, I ended up with allegiance, love and loyalty from neither. I stand solo and alone. Persecuted on all and both sides.    Neal agreed with my assessment.

The conversation would not end. And Neal would not give up. He was was intending to paint me into a corner and situation of being crippled by my emotions for my father, of being" a rat to his piper", of "not showing myself bigger and better" > all wrong perspectives and and wrong dynamics/ none of which my interest or motivation. I have made so much peace with my father, who he is, how crippled, his actions, deeds, history, karma, and reconciliation that he or I may depart this world with nary another word between us. And that is okay. Cause sometimes you just have to walk away for your own health and wellbeing. Neal seemingly could not understand this. And saw it as a negative and saw "acceptance" as bullshit. I had no response or words. I did try to show him the error of his logic when applied to other situations.

He thought it was right of Pedelsia to have a problem for me to ask my Uncle Leroy how he felt about his experience with cancer as he was withering away. But now he wants me to go deal with my father. You cant be okay with my silence and off topic in one arena with one relation, but send me to contend in another relation... Hypocritical and Dissonance Much?

It was quite amazing.
I tried to get Vanessa involved from her perspective but she feigned.
All how Neal tried to batter , coerce and manipulate my stance, I stood my ground/ Maintained we are not having the same conversation and worse yet, he was not learning anything from watching my life lived.

I told him he was projecting. To which he agreed.
And I kind of lose touch with the recall at this point of the conversation. Where it took a turn. Just as we were about to close and agree to disagree. See Neal is new to this. He is still processing the passing of his father , my Uncle and GodFather Pat. And how grand it was done by him. But for Uncle Pat's level of consciousness awakeness in living and intention toward his family members: children and wife. He called them all onto him and spoke, said his thank yous and good byes.  Gave each one his blessing and clarity. Neal is expecting all deaths to be on that height and vibration. Even Vanessa had to tell him that is not the norm. Far from it.

But the real fat lady swan song is when he walked me out to my car. Where we tried to bring closure...The closure he seemed to think I did not have with my father...Closure to the conversation. For he asked me what did I think he was doing; and why...We went back and talked about Trauma. I was trying to convey to him how traumatized a persona my father was. To which he mentioned how fascinated he is with my father. And so the truth emerges and bubbles to the top. He mentioned how he lost a son and lost a wife...yet he lives as if he is immortal. And as I write it now, I realize i did not give that comment the gravity and weight it deserves. So profound.  But it allowed me to tell him that is the level of dissonance, and denial and distance within this person that makes conversation impossible.

Neal mentioned to me his source of trauma- feeling unwanted and unvalidated by his father. and How that made him intense and tizic and only when to the end of Uncle Pat's life the Uncle Pat acknowledge him and see all that he was trying to do to keep him alive. And again, parts of the conversation are fading for me. But it was at this point that we really got to an open clear space and ground. I had to overview for Neal all I have stood with Daddy since 1993... That i have tried to do what he thinks I have not done It is done.  Neal explained that seeing the death of his Aunt in London this summer and the fissure and dissonance in that family experience also informed his projections toward me.

Our conversation ended on a high. When he said he finally saw and agree that there was nothing else or more I could do to try to be at peace and in relation with my father. I will amend this chapter when exactly what was said comes back to memory. I know it will.

It was an intense conversation. One I was grateful for. As I do private mental emotional checks with myself from time to time, that if death comes, how comfortable will I be at the dynamic. But I think I am good. I am okay. I am at peace. I have done all I can. I cannot do any more Anything more is spitting in the wind.

And thus was my experience this day and evening of relating all to and about men in my family. Baptiste and Huggins. Parental and Relational. Generational and Cousins.> It is great to have authentic relationships

----------------------------

amended 12:46pm Thursday January 3, 2013

JEFF BROWN

One thing I have learned with certainty is not to stand in connection with those who diminish me. This is particularly difficult when family is involved, because we have a vested interest in perpetuating the family system for all kinds of different reasons. I don’t believe one should endure abuse no matter how attached they are to an idea of family. There are many families waiting for us (read: soulpod) just outside our habitual awareness. We are not responsible for those who diminish us. We really have to get that. We can be compassionate and we can certainly understand where their abusiveness comes from, but understanding the origins does not mean we have to endure it. Its not our cross to bear.