Monday, January 7, 2013
Painting by Elisabeth Slettnes
"We’re fools whether we dance or not,
so we might as well dance."
~Japanese Proverb
.=========
so I was off the computer for the day and night
but the day of men and their behaviors kept coming back to me.. and i remembered this blog, this book, of 365 days of life, what is it about, what is it filled with what am i filling it with and i chose this year of eros and men, so here I am.
i switch on. get on fb. and see to discover another male on my page in some form of mental illness. one of these freaks, dysfunctional youths, geek bipolar, obsessive, insistent, and mad if they do not have control and in a codependent relationship. he the giant and his girl, literally, a toddler, by size to his. bizarre. i have learned never to engage him or them. I guess think i learned it once before with her. now i see and get clear not again. sick bastard/ i had no idea this writing would be so rich
the day was full of all kinds of behaviors from them. the first and early was from one who called himself applying to a job to be a breakfast mate/date...to sit and be entertaining while we enjoyed an early meal. His chat started on Friday I believe. He said he would come and check me that evening and began hemming and hawing. said he was on his way but called me twice in between to set up the let down. a schyster clearly. and i can see his face now and i am so passively disgusted by these lame ass no backbone males running all over the place. people who piss you off for myriad reasons, either for dressing like a hazard sign, presuming presumption, lying and dismissing the women they live with who made them children. just trifling.
but the biggest thing about this joker today is that he presumes to phone me, ask me if i am home and says he is in port of spain and will drop by. and i was like and what then? do what? go where? it is raining outside.. and he said if there is some shelter i can stand in. so already he on shit. and so he does. show up. and tries to engage me in conversation in my car port. and would have gone on and one had i not shut him down, asking me to "tell him about me" where do these characters come out from ? at this mature age/ are they serious ? It was wild because i literally felt as if I was getting sick putting up with his idle chatter. no what else was deep to show you their arrogance. the man actually said to me in the calmest coolest voice, that "i think you have a problem with relations" I swear. even now in reflection i think something was wrong with me, just passively listening and engaging him when he said that. I just said yeah I do. I speak the truth and check folk and the world, life and trinidad aint like that. and he agreed. but really, should i not have cussed him out? who is he to try and tell me about myself>? does he have that privilege who gave it? and therein the rub. the predominance, the privilege assumed and secured regardless of context, permission or legitimacy. I am writing this and realizing I am done with him. I wont even take his calls anymore.
today i also found myself thinking about EM ...about the schism of how he was when we were together and then the complete silence and shutting down thereafter. and i see him posting 'i wonder if you are a good kisser'/ i wish i could have responded. it does not matter. we hooked up cause we had boss kisses. who knows the riddles and mysteries of people's internal psychology. but i wish all the time that i could hear from him why and i keep asking myself why -- why do i want to speak or hear anything from him. why am i not satisfied that he is some form of a jerk with some major pieces missing. for who disregards any woman like that> you at least, at the base, communicate, right? acknowledge in respect. anyway this evening it occurred to me that perhaps it is possible that people reject others they encounter because from their perspective the other is too perfect. i remember him calling me a porn star or something like that during the night. an i was shocked and wondered if that was an indication that this man rarely gets sex cause a porn star me is far from any stretch of any delusional reality. but the thing that i think endeared him to me was the emotional vulnerabilities he showed that evening and i was wondering, is it that he was so drunk and all of that was fake? it has me confused. but this is another form of curtis joseph in a way..so i have not yet broke the code. and still waiting to break the story off my back so i can completely forget him. reads pathetic yeah?
sometimes it gets like that
but there is so many aspects to corners.
i met a jamaican guy who spoke with such confidence and promise, and yes he told me he was married, but you know me, i always think it is good to just find company for meals and drinks. and especially he is a digicel regional rep or something so i wrote him today asking if professionally he can connect me to getting a phone and he replied for clarification but then never completed, and i am like why are folk such flakes?
then today after a week of not hearing from him, kevin pierre calls me. another faker. liar, manipulator. I am so making them out. they tell you and talk to you in ways that tell you they are used to dealing with vacuous females. and either you are always combating and confronting them or just being silent in either case, you start stewing..so in reflection after good behavior i had to realize he too...as much as I was looking forward to the weed and the limes in the deep bush and one who could have built me my house, i may have to let him go too. He too was another one who tried to dismiss and undermine his wife or children's mother. the contempt these males deserve can not be found
this was my day of males in my life
-----------------
Painting by Elisabeth Slettnes
"We’re fools whether we dance or not,
so we might as well dance."
~Japanese Proverb
.=========
so I was off the computer for the day and night
but the day of men and their behaviors kept coming back to me.. and i remembered this blog, this book, of 365 days of life, what is it about, what is it filled with what am i filling it with and i chose this year of eros and men, so here I am.
i switch on. get on fb. and see to discover another male on my page in some form of mental illness. one of these freaks, dysfunctional youths, geek bipolar, obsessive, insistent, and mad if they do not have control and in a codependent relationship. he the giant and his girl, literally, a toddler, by size to his. bizarre. i have learned never to engage him or them. I guess think i learned it once before with her. now i see and get clear not again. sick bastard/ i had no idea this writing would be so rich
the day was full of all kinds of behaviors from them. the first and early was from one who called himself applying to a job to be a breakfast mate/date...to sit and be entertaining while we enjoyed an early meal. His chat started on Friday I believe. He said he would come and check me that evening and began hemming and hawing. said he was on his way but called me twice in between to set up the let down. a schyster clearly. and i can see his face now and i am so passively disgusted by these lame ass no backbone males running all over the place. people who piss you off for myriad reasons, either for dressing like a hazard sign, presuming presumption, lying and dismissing the women they live with who made them children. just trifling.
but the biggest thing about this joker today is that he presumes to phone me, ask me if i am home and says he is in port of spain and will drop by. and i was like and what then? do what? go where? it is raining outside.. and he said if there is some shelter i can stand in. so already he on shit. and so he does. show up. and tries to engage me in conversation in my car port. and would have gone on and one had i not shut him down, asking me to "tell him about me" where do these characters come out from ? at this mature age/ are they serious ? It was wild because i literally felt as if I was getting sick putting up with his idle chatter. no what else was deep to show you their arrogance. the man actually said to me in the calmest coolest voice, that "i think you have a problem with relations" I swear. even now in reflection i think something was wrong with me, just passively listening and engaging him when he said that. I just said yeah I do. I speak the truth and check folk and the world, life and trinidad aint like that. and he agreed. but really, should i not have cussed him out? who is he to try and tell me about myself>? does he have that privilege who gave it? and therein the rub. the predominance, the privilege assumed and secured regardless of context, permission or legitimacy. I am writing this and realizing I am done with him. I wont even take his calls anymore.
today i also found myself thinking about EM ...about the schism of how he was when we were together and then the complete silence and shutting down thereafter. and i see him posting 'i wonder if you are a good kisser'/ i wish i could have responded. it does not matter. we hooked up cause we had boss kisses. who knows the riddles and mysteries of people's internal psychology. but i wish all the time that i could hear from him why and i keep asking myself why -- why do i want to speak or hear anything from him. why am i not satisfied that he is some form of a jerk with some major pieces missing. for who disregards any woman like that> you at least, at the base, communicate, right? acknowledge in respect. anyway this evening it occurred to me that perhaps it is possible that people reject others they encounter because from their perspective the other is too perfect. i remember him calling me a porn star or something like that during the night. an i was shocked and wondered if that was an indication that this man rarely gets sex cause a porn star me is far from any stretch of any delusional reality. but the thing that i think endeared him to me was the emotional vulnerabilities he showed that evening and i was wondering, is it that he was so drunk and all of that was fake? it has me confused. but this is another form of curtis joseph in a way..so i have not yet broke the code. and still waiting to break the story off my back so i can completely forget him. reads pathetic yeah?
sometimes it gets like that
but there is so many aspects to corners.
i met a jamaican guy who spoke with such confidence and promise, and yes he told me he was married, but you know me, i always think it is good to just find company for meals and drinks. and especially he is a digicel regional rep or something so i wrote him today asking if professionally he can connect me to getting a phone and he replied for clarification but then never completed, and i am like why are folk such flakes?
then today after a week of not hearing from him, kevin pierre calls me. another faker. liar, manipulator. I am so making them out. they tell you and talk to you in ways that tell you they are used to dealing with vacuous females. and either you are always combating and confronting them or just being silent in either case, you start stewing..so in reflection after good behavior i had to realize he too...as much as I was looking forward to the weed and the limes in the deep bush and one who could have built me my house, i may have to let him go too. He too was another one who tried to dismiss and undermine his wife or children's mother. the contempt these males deserve can not be found
this was my day of males in my life
-----------------
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