How can one be a writer and fail to write? Especially when such rich material abounds?
Attending/Observing/Passive Co-Hosting a Young Women's Entrepreneurial Camp that was mis-named, poorly constructed, lacking orientation, introduction or guidance, but yet still the host gets to say in a banana republic landscape that an inaugural program was implemented as if it were a success; but here success is determined by appearance, clocking in and certificates; content, outcomes, followups and learning unrequired. And in that same program, a field trip turns into a complete social disaster for the lack of proper protocols, introductions, guidance and information of the supposedly knowledgeable to the initiates, resulting in host cuss out to all and sundry, parents madvex and attendee pullouts. Out of eleven participants the first day, to fifteen the second day, the program closed with seven young women. Yes, a success. Yet, despite all this material, I am not writing.
Perhaps I am tired observing all the infamy and dysfunction of myths, lies and self-delusions of this place. Perhaps, I wish not to write another tome of another failure I am privy to stare in shock and state in bewilderment to find the words to describe and justify. How do these things happen? How is it all possible, I ask myself as I type?
But what makes me come to write today, is Hollis "Wayne" King, who I met this weekend, after being told of him for some time by his mother and my cousin, says to me a variety of things between the two days I have encountered him: That "i need to do something with my hair"; That "we need to sit and talk; privately"; That, "I see various things about you: you are ambitious; you are frustrated"; and finally caps it with an assignment that is a question - "in preparation for when we meet, I want to ask you to consider a question and have an answer for me, "what do you see yourself doing in 2013?"
I come to write it down now. My thoughts and insights. I just considered: "Being paid to write". Then I realize, I just need income: anything that will provide me sustenance and that will not make me want to blow my brains out"
But when he said it to me last night, I first considered, "I want to make money" or, I can be in a house, i am not sure where, but I am just writing, being paid to write". I need want dream for multimillion dollar book deals. For my nine volumes of poetry. For my recipe books. For my collection of three essays. For the development of an ethnographic muse and exploration starting with From Margin to Center. But it is more than that. I want to be a brand. And want the means, backing, funding to produce a multi product empire that includes and integrates my art and the products therefrom emerging: posters for now but i can see mugs, student notebooks, journals, etc. And then within the last few days, i get the message in a dream to do sculpting...not sure. not clear...
Then I think of all my entrepreneurial dreams, projections and aspirations. To own a restaurant, jazz supper club, cafe. And the latest multimillion dollar project and idea: a family orientated multiple entertainment complex that holds an aquarium, skating rink, bowling alley, arboretum, meditation garden, restaurant, club and roof observatory.
And when we talked, Hollis asked me when I was replying to him, "Did you hear what you just said?" and I said, what? That i want to return to New York? For I do? But, am I to really be in New York when in fact a spirit man will tell me to get five morrocoys for my living, livelihood, well being and prosperity? People in hell want ice water, and youths in UK want trainers, but will I riot and destruct for New York>? Where do i belong for my healing and well being is my question. Who do I belong with, for I realize I am just around deceitful people and embedded in a deceptive ugly culture and society.
So the question Hollis asks me challenges me to dig deep and explore my thoughts/. he did say that it required bravery and courage. I will take bravery. couRage has too long been my demise, I think. The reason for my ineffectiveness and stagnancy. I wonder now and actually believe my going to the bush, to build a shack and squat is just an escape hatch. I realize that I am broken, afraid and without the mettle to start over, so much failure has followed me for so long, in the midst of my apparent successes.
My living so hard and bold with so much fire and determination down a dead end road has left me traumatized I think. I have a new condition, totally hidden post traumatic distress, disorder and life dysfunction. Total stagnancy. How long can one tread in the same place and still not get to China?
I realize I am afraid to be around people. And certainly afraid to be around cabal and networks. The chatter, gossip and talk it inspires, I would rather do without. So even to talk openly with Hollis presents some challenges.
Challenges and Barriers/Box me In and Out
And this supposedly is the time when my planets align to free me; where the clouds shift and move to clear my skies; where all my bounty lies. This time. Of obscurity and confusion; absence and prolonged suspensions.
Yet, I still dream and claim my 3Million by December as I march to 2013
PostScript
I read this link and article, http://www.robinsharma.com/blog/04/11-obsessions-of-remarkable entrepreneurs/, and realize I above all else I want to be an Entrepreneur. This list and article also tell sme that in fact, I am a Remarkable Entrepreneur; just sans team, right environment, and absent any one around me whose life I wish to live or lead... with work that leads to zero profit i can do anything with; and scared as hell of failing, which i appear to be doing with aplomb. Nevertheless, here i am, channeling still aspirations...
Post PostScript
Attending/Observing/Passive Co-Hosting a Young Women's Entrepreneurial Camp that was mis-named, poorly constructed, lacking orientation, introduction or guidance, but yet still the host gets to say in a banana republic landscape that an inaugural program was implemented as if it were a success; but here success is determined by appearance, clocking in and certificates; content, outcomes, followups and learning unrequired. And in that same program, a field trip turns into a complete social disaster for the lack of proper protocols, introductions, guidance and information of the supposedly knowledgeable to the initiates, resulting in host cuss out to all and sundry, parents madvex and attendee pullouts. Out of eleven participants the first day, to fifteen the second day, the program closed with seven young women. Yes, a success. Yet, despite all this material, I am not writing.
Perhaps I am tired observing all the infamy and dysfunction of myths, lies and self-delusions of this place. Perhaps, I wish not to write another tome of another failure I am privy to stare in shock and state in bewilderment to find the words to describe and justify. How do these things happen? How is it all possible, I ask myself as I type?
But what makes me come to write today, is Hollis "Wayne" King, who I met this weekend, after being told of him for some time by his mother and my cousin, says to me a variety of things between the two days I have encountered him: That "i need to do something with my hair"; That "we need to sit and talk; privately"; That, "I see various things about you: you are ambitious; you are frustrated"; and finally caps it with an assignment that is a question - "in preparation for when we meet, I want to ask you to consider a question and have an answer for me, "what do you see yourself doing in 2013?"
I come to write it down now. My thoughts and insights. I just considered: "Being paid to write". Then I realize, I just need income: anything that will provide me sustenance and that will not make me want to blow my brains out"
But when he said it to me last night, I first considered, "I want to make money" or, I can be in a house, i am not sure where, but I am just writing, being paid to write". I need want dream for multimillion dollar book deals. For my nine volumes of poetry. For my recipe books. For my collection of three essays. For the development of an ethnographic muse and exploration starting with From Margin to Center. But it is more than that. I want to be a brand. And want the means, backing, funding to produce a multi product empire that includes and integrates my art and the products therefrom emerging: posters for now but i can see mugs, student notebooks, journals, etc. And then within the last few days, i get the message in a dream to do sculpting...not sure. not clear...
Then I think of all my entrepreneurial dreams, projections and aspirations. To own a restaurant, jazz supper club, cafe. And the latest multimillion dollar project and idea: a family orientated multiple entertainment complex that holds an aquarium, skating rink, bowling alley, arboretum, meditation garden, restaurant, club and roof observatory.
And when we talked, Hollis asked me when I was replying to him, "Did you hear what you just said?" and I said, what? That i want to return to New York? For I do? But, am I to really be in New York when in fact a spirit man will tell me to get five morrocoys for my living, livelihood, well being and prosperity? People in hell want ice water, and youths in UK want trainers, but will I riot and destruct for New York>? Where do i belong for my healing and well being is my question. Who do I belong with, for I realize I am just around deceitful people and embedded in a deceptive ugly culture and society.
So the question Hollis asks me challenges me to dig deep and explore my thoughts/. he did say that it required bravery and courage. I will take bravery. couRage has too long been my demise, I think. The reason for my ineffectiveness and stagnancy. I wonder now and actually believe my going to the bush, to build a shack and squat is just an escape hatch. I realize that I am broken, afraid and without the mettle to start over, so much failure has followed me for so long, in the midst of my apparent successes.
My living so hard and bold with so much fire and determination down a dead end road has left me traumatized I think. I have a new condition, totally hidden post traumatic distress, disorder and life dysfunction. Total stagnancy. How long can one tread in the same place and still not get to China?
I realize I am afraid to be around people. And certainly afraid to be around cabal and networks. The chatter, gossip and talk it inspires, I would rather do without. So even to talk openly with Hollis presents some challenges.
Challenges and Barriers/Box me In and Out
And this supposedly is the time when my planets align to free me; where the clouds shift and move to clear my skies; where all my bounty lies. This time. Of obscurity and confusion; absence and prolonged suspensions.
Yet, I still dream and claim my 3Million by December as I march to 2013
PostScript
I read this link and article, http://www.robinsharma.com/blog/04/11-obsessions-of-remarkable entrepreneurs/, and realize I above all else I want to be an Entrepreneur. This list and article also tell sme that in fact, I am a Remarkable Entrepreneur; just sans team, right environment, and absent any one around me whose life I wish to live or lead... with work that leads to zero profit i can do anything with; and scared as hell of failing, which i appear to be doing with aplomb. Nevertheless, here i am, channeling still aspirations...
Post PostScript
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