"Moon enters Aquarius- Apr 04- 4.41am EDT- When the Moon visits Aquarius she is offering you the opportunity to connect with people of like mind but also gives you the support to give your spiritual gifts to the world."
at a real loss for words this evening
feeling completely confused and blindsided, wronged and completely wrong myself
far outside my bounds and lane i find myself
fighting it seems with all i have for what is not mine
and yet, taking blows after having performed, accomplished, for someone else's interest and coffer. their legacy and future
working outside my comfort zone and far inside my errors...
i do not contend much and when i do --not well at all.
one of anger and temper should not be tested by fire
it is just fuel to rage
and I am stunned wondering what is it i am really dealing with here
the line of "people with like minds" brings out the muse
at the base of it I am not among people with like minds. and maybe everything else i write after that is inconsequential, unnecessary and for redundancy emphasis, surplus.
o.0
am i wrong, really? Or is it i am being dealt bullshit, even if it has no name and then my reaction is called into question? am i in fact very legitimate? or am i dealing with people's buttons and insecurities? am i insensitive? speak to bluntly? not diplomatic? I never pretend to be nor do i ever call myself that. and i try to give disclaimers. I am probably more man that most and that there is critical problem number one, for a woman..while still being a woman. and what kind of woman is allowed that latitude?
when does specifying a possible need indicate someone as being negative? everything one does is with the intent to avoid what is unwanted. since when is that a personal affront? I need help to understand this dynamic, but it is a help that will never be forthcoming. and is it that i threw water in someone else's garden ? Cause if i talk of blackened toes, if yours arent, do you bother to engage, fight or challenge me? no. there is no need to? so then the push back is what? just your shit and projections? but i must be patient, kind and coddle with?
i am around people who want the benefits of my talents and gifts, but...do they respect me? do they respect women? do they like women? do they have hangups about women, strong women? competent women? and if you exceed your designated area, do they attack and try to bring you down? is this patriarchy, in very vague forms that make it hard to see? am i expecting common dogs to be pedigree? too much..unbridled expectations?
and any attempt at a conversation just goes in circles, obscurity, and the reading of anything but purity, so what is the point? futile
i realize i might be overly emotional for many reasons. i am tired. i am battered. but yet still i stand ready to give others what has never been forthcoming to me and yet i am chastised? something does not make sense. but i also too think it is karma. people who stood in the gap for me and got burnt> so now it is my turn. and i am not sure what i am reaping. not sure what i am experiencing. not sure how to turn and analyze the experience. not sure if i am in total error, partial for my lack of proper responses or if shit deserves shit begets shit. and i am just dealing with some pedestrian ordinary male expecting dominance bullshit. and still clueless as to how to respond. Apologize or Recognize? Fascinating really. I feel I need therapy.
but one thing I know.
i tried to have an event in January for Feb, a month distance. And it was neither seen, accepted, trusted or believed possible and it went no where. Now with those same people we are doing an event in less than that month, twentyone days. so you tell me. what is the proof of this whole tasty pudding?
i wish the moon would bring me like minded hearted people. but perhaps this is my cross. to be weird, peculiar, different and unwired among the opposites
apart from what ever is the truth< i am inadequate to the task
i have no clue what is right and wrong, up or down
where is error and where is safe
when you give your gifts to others and it is not enough to earn a pass
not enough to get grace
sometimes we write shit just so to make room for more...that is this...
--------------------------
i could do a meditation and academic program on anger, rage and reaction/
on deconstructing psyches and thinking
on understanding the true motivations, emotives, triggers and insecurities among and within personalities, genders and hidden mental dynamics
work out all my own kinks
So i will know when and why I stop swimming, singing, smiling and shining>..
and when you have to think of doing that on a day when you shone so bright, something is desperately deeply wrong...but only you know it
perhaps you were too bright in their eyes
and being damaged and broken, bouncing back is hard
you ask me to tell you that i love you after a long taxing day, when nothing but the cloak of my love for you covered me, went before me, dripped from me, motivated me, fired me..talked for me...and even when you left me to defend myself...yet
-------------------------------
at a real loss for words this evening
feeling completely confused and blindsided, wronged and completely wrong myself
far outside my bounds and lane i find myself
fighting it seems with all i have for what is not mine
and yet, taking blows after having performed, accomplished, for someone else's interest and coffer. their legacy and future
working outside my comfort zone and far inside my errors...
i do not contend much and when i do --not well at all.
one of anger and temper should not be tested by fire
it is just fuel to rage
and I am stunned wondering what is it i am really dealing with here
the line of "people with like minds" brings out the muse
at the base of it I am not among people with like minds. and maybe everything else i write after that is inconsequential, unnecessary and for redundancy emphasis, surplus.
o.0
am i wrong, really? Or is it i am being dealt bullshit, even if it has no name and then my reaction is called into question? am i in fact very legitimate? or am i dealing with people's buttons and insecurities? am i insensitive? speak to bluntly? not diplomatic? I never pretend to be nor do i ever call myself that. and i try to give disclaimers. I am probably more man that most and that there is critical problem number one, for a woman..while still being a woman. and what kind of woman is allowed that latitude?
when does specifying a possible need indicate someone as being negative? everything one does is with the intent to avoid what is unwanted. since when is that a personal affront? I need help to understand this dynamic, but it is a help that will never be forthcoming. and is it that i threw water in someone else's garden ? Cause if i talk of blackened toes, if yours arent, do you bother to engage, fight or challenge me? no. there is no need to? so then the push back is what? just your shit and projections? but i must be patient, kind and coddle with?
i am around people who want the benefits of my talents and gifts, but...do they respect me? do they respect women? do they like women? do they have hangups about women, strong women? competent women? and if you exceed your designated area, do they attack and try to bring you down? is this patriarchy, in very vague forms that make it hard to see? am i expecting common dogs to be pedigree? too much..unbridled expectations?
and any attempt at a conversation just goes in circles, obscurity, and the reading of anything but purity, so what is the point? futile
i realize i might be overly emotional for many reasons. i am tired. i am battered. but yet still i stand ready to give others what has never been forthcoming to me and yet i am chastised? something does not make sense. but i also too think it is karma. people who stood in the gap for me and got burnt> so now it is my turn. and i am not sure what i am reaping. not sure what i am experiencing. not sure how to turn and analyze the experience. not sure if i am in total error, partial for my lack of proper responses or if shit deserves shit begets shit. and i am just dealing with some pedestrian ordinary male expecting dominance bullshit. and still clueless as to how to respond. Apologize or Recognize? Fascinating really. I feel I need therapy.
but one thing I know.
i tried to have an event in January for Feb, a month distance. And it was neither seen, accepted, trusted or believed possible and it went no where. Now with those same people we are doing an event in less than that month, twentyone days. so you tell me. what is the proof of this whole tasty pudding?
i wish the moon would bring me like minded hearted people. but perhaps this is my cross. to be weird, peculiar, different and unwired among the opposites
apart from what ever is the truth< i am inadequate to the task
i have no clue what is right and wrong, up or down
where is error and where is safe
when you give your gifts to others and it is not enough to earn a pass
not enough to get grace
sometimes we write shit just so to make room for more...that is this...
--------------------------
i could do a meditation and academic program on anger, rage and reaction/
on deconstructing psyches and thinking
on understanding the true motivations, emotives, triggers and insecurities among and within personalities, genders and hidden mental dynamics
work out all my own kinks
So i will know when and why I stop swimming, singing, smiling and shining>..
and when you have to think of doing that on a day when you shone so bright, something is desperately deeply wrong...but only you know it
perhaps you were too bright in their eyes
and being damaged and broken, bouncing back is hard
you ask me to tell you that i love you after a long taxing day, when nothing but the cloak of my love for you covered me, went before me, dripped from me, motivated me, fired me..talked for me...and even when you left me to defend myself...yet
-------------------------------
planetary activations Apr 03 and 04
by Dale Osadchuk (Notes) on Tuesday, 2 April 2013 at 21:18
Capricorn
Fourth Quarter Moon- Apr 03- 12.37am EDT to Apr 06- 12.37pm EDT- Moon
in Capricorn square Venus in Aries- 3.13am EDT- sextile Mercury in
Pisces- 4.57am EDT- square Mars in Aries- 6.35am EDT- As we mentioned
yesterday the Fourth Quarter phase is about realignment and revision. It
asks us to focus on what is working and strengthen that. It also asks
us to release what is not working so we are not stuck in old patterns.
The squares to Venus and Mars are asking us to prepare for a new
relationship vision that gets activated on Apr 07. Remember this also
means the relationship with self.Moon enters Aquarius- Apr 04- 4.41am
EDT- When the Moon visits Aquarius she is offering you the opportunity
to connect with people of like mind but also gives you the support to
give your spiritual gifts to the world. Pluto in Capricorn sextile
Chiron in Pisces- 8.53am EDT- Pluto (transformation) and Chiron
(healing) work well together. This is healing and transformation not
just on a personal level but an opportunity to heal the collective
wound. Moon in Aquarius sextile Uranus in Aries- 8.02pm EDT- square
Saturn in Scorpio- 9.48pm EDT- These two aspects give us breakthrough
(Uranus) and new ways to release limitation (Saturn) so the foundation
of our life supports our Soul Purpose gifts. Breakthrough is an inner
process. When you are free within nothing can block you from living your
purpose.
_____________
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- Jp ParsonsGood night... Be up in a few hours .. Have a blessed day.
- Maven HugginsGood Night>>>
life is heavy on my mind this evening I dont even have words
But it is interesting that you would write me g'night...i wondered if you would sense something was wrong...
But i only write to share with you that i ponder your thank you on the posting...and keep thinking {we were soaring this morning, the light fantastic, only for me to be shot down this evening , even as i went onto more stars and grand accomplishments this afternoon...and all because I think i am dealing with sexist male privilege, dominance and subjugation by any means. I am not sure. but trying to process.
i just had to tell you. and what i write is inadequate and may be confusing, but...thanks so much. just a bit confused this evening
embraces - Jp ParsonsNo... I sense it... It is a tricky place you walk.. A between here and there.. Trying to help- without any secure footing.
I will send Reiki to help you. Try and spend mornings with man.. His evenings he is struggling tooo much.. And feels like lashing out.
Sing... Shake off his behavior. Do use your voice- tell him you will not tolerate disrespect.. You can walk away from him, tell him.. You are a queen and deserve proper treatment. - Maven Hugginsit is not his behavior as much as it is his cousin, but he stands by just as oblivious and refusing to intervene. it is sexism. asking the blind to see
after such a spectacular day it ended in fights i had with both of them. I feel horrible. Feel deeply stunted and sad that such a mixture is possible and suffering the reality of that truth alone.
i really am amazed. the compromise of relationships and relating, even when successful - Jp ParsonsWhen you use your voice... To defend yourself, how do you feel?They are afraid you will commit to all these outsiders...
- Jp ParsonsMy eyes are heavy.. Sleep in dragging he to the beach... Where I melt upon the white soft sand to become the winds... Goodnight sweet friend... If it is meant to be.. It will. Be light! (Hugs)Is dragging me.. Tired
- Maven Hugginsi am down on myself about that. I have my own problems. I have a temper. I am very angry about lots in life. and when it is triggered by a lot of bullshit, and it always is, I live in bullshit nation no. 1, I get enraged. I shout. In the last few years i have taken to cussing. I am not pretty and so it makes me sad because i feel now i am way out of line and control but i realize the truth of it is i have been subjected to nonstop madness for a long time. A long time..and being a woman and a black woman with very masculine behaviors and privileges, does not earn me stripes or stars but a lot of negativity, from all sides depending on the situation
i am just stunned to find it so internally with two people I hoped to be connected with. And yes my love tries, but his own issues gets in the way. I saw tonight that he is fearful to gel with me in a way that his cousin will feel i have him under control. and he expresses a refusal to intervene unless "i am being disrespected" and he said tonight, given my cussing and shouting, who should be protected from whom...as if his cousin needs protection from me, so I really feel unhappy for all what is unacceptable... - Maven Hugginsgood night love.
sorry to write all this when you were trying to rest.
I shall be okay...
forgive me...bad timing
sweet dreams 
Jp ParsonsOh dear lord. That last part med me raise my eyebrows... Who should be protected from whom?
Dear Lord! (Sigh)
I must respond... The only lesson I learned- from leaving my husband - for a woman... And she decided she couldn't leave her life... Is this:
To have a drama triangle there are 3 players:
The victim
The persecutor
The rescuer
There can be one person playing 2 roles... This morning.. After all the turbulent energy-- you might be n the rescuer mode...
And your mate also in this mode.
It will be interesting.
If I can imagine...the cousin might be doing some under handed playing.. Kick back with money.. I wonder his motivation- or lack there of.
Be calm..
Be light
Be love
Be whole
(Hugging you)
You are a marvelous spirit... You see the potential and are ready to honor the work... They might not be.
Night night.- Maven HugginsYou have gifts!!!
You can see and read? Do you know that?
You just wrote their characters and stories and I told you nothing of that...
Me and my Love are Rescuers. Of each other and my love is trying to rescue his cousin who is some sort of money risk ...I would write embezzler but that would be unfair. My love told me he had to get him out of jail and used his house as collateral. but says he does not know the story and never asked. He does say he is trying to make him whole
And tonight I did think in my deep recess in time my love will see what his cousin is doing to me...he is intimidated by me. he is a charlatan, a fake. but actually wondered what all must i endure till then. but my love is not innocent either. he too is sexist but he is in process....and if not for that, just to be aware in general
i am almost floored by your reading - Maven Hugginsyes, my love has no idea what he said to me, and that is why i feel paralyzed now. I feel as much as the love is, and how hard he is working and trying there is something eggregious and unforgiving in that remark...even in anger
i am tired trying to work throughg'nite friend. thanks - Jp ParsonsYes.. I know I read some people well.. Not all.. Only very select connects..
Babe girl I will send the angels to stand by you.
They will give you composure- you shall never need to raise your voice again.
You can whisper your disdain .
You can move mountains with a whisper.
(Grinning)
Night Love - Maven Hugginsif i could accomplish that in all areas, all interactions, all engagements, when i am flying and gay to when i am down in the dumps Jp, I will have accomplished all things in life. Just that.
My anger and my rage,
my intensity of emotions
my apparent lack of control
are my curses.
I wish you could do that magic
no matter how i try or think i am managing. some ass always shows me I am too - Jp ParsonsWhen you truly want
You will truly doZzzzzz ... - Maven Huggins...yeah, i think i take some kind of pride in breathing fire on bs.
and if one is to do that one should have all thine ducks in a row at one's own castle and land...
not when you havent a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of...
something upside down about that and that is me. upside down - Jp ParsonsLaughing... Zzzz god I adore u
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