ShitHounds

and i have to tell you that is what the forest refreshed me from and of yesterday.
i am surrounded by assholes. we do not understand the extent to which sexism influences our every moment of daily  life as women:  men who expect that you know nothing to little and definitely not to rival their knowledge and understanding; that anything you say has to be wrong or needs correcting; that your solutions can not possibly work let alone make sense. they whose every refrain is "you not listening" and that is such a weighty phrase: why must i listen to you? are you listening to me? where does the saying of that phrase come from? why is it not part of my framework? if someone is not listening, I just repeat myself. but i think that is a direct flow of assumed presumed authority and heft; thus instruction and correction. i am and have been surrounded by assholes.

the electrician even came on site. saw me at the gate decorating, passed by just giving greetings and waves behind a darkened but closed window, so i ignored him while we both worked...only for me to hear him ask my partner, "who was i?" and i think he went on to state...'she walking around as if she is..." and i was doing nothing but my work and guiding the tent vendors. but why and how does someone see someone on a property that way...only because, i am not supposed to be those things...and worse yet, being a black hen chicken. further to that...one in command of every place I stand, owned or not.

i have been and am surrounded and infused by assholes. i just try to bear it. I cant fight it.
i also realize women cant fight men and their behaviors and mindset. Is like they come out born, lying and being deceitful, serving and intent to dismiss, erode and undermine your knowing and intuition. and i realize what violence and abuse that is. when  you can look at someone in their face and tell them what they know is not true when you know it is true. and men effortlessly connect on that vibration of lies to women, obscuring and without plan or strategy, invoke the wall of silence, the grid of deflection. the sheer of deceit. but if a woman has sense and is square within herself. there is a split second on the faces of these menials where you can see they are scanning their brains to figure out what lie to insert and play. fascinating experience i had in the last few days.  sad too. regrettable. but people will only be the animal they are, nothing else. no matter how far they went to obscure that too. a masque wears off sooner than later.

But i am not fighting or resisting. I just let go. I just shut down. but yesterday, for some reason, the forest lifted me back up.  Enough so that another set of men were calling my name on stage, to a crowd. Senor Ruiz and Noel La Pierre. and imagine this, even got an apology from one man nine years or so after the fact. there is hope. you may not live to see and hear it  but it comes. they turn around at some point . and even if they never do, they know in their hearts they are shit hounds. that is often why they act the ass. They know they are not up to snuff. So the ugly behavior becomes the shield and defense mechanism. I make that out just recently.

Hm Deep stuff
i need to get a shield

and i happen to think this dynamic is very strong and moreso here in the caribbean and trinidad in particular. it is kind of vile.

and no matter how much you like a fella, male friend or relative, you can hardly find the words to validate and instruct them. so more silence. and thus, reinforcement, pass and proliferation