Monday May 27 2013 Revelations

 Badlands Guardian of North Dakota and Canada Border

the funniest thing is to hear people who have never met your measure, swam your waters, or countenance your depth call you a failure. the humor in that is beyond laughter or audibility

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  Marcia Smith Cpc No one should be called a failure. There are no failures. Its just a matter of perception.

  
  
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  Maven Huggins i know that. a few may know that. but many most of the world dont know that. and i am surrounded by the latter.i not even phased. a long time ago i made them out and when you know your animals, you are clear...there is no such thing as failure. all is lesson and stepping stones. trials to triumph...like i said earlier, i am grateful for the wisdoms that i have earned and take me over. (you in church did you know that Marcia? lol_

  
  
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  Marcia Smith Cpc Yes Maven. I know.

  
  
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  Maven Huggins she says *deadpan* hahaha

  
  
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  Marcia Smith Cpc She, like my grandmother was, is wounded. She speaks of herself.

  
  
• Maven Huggins wow. wow. wow. this really is church; you know i never caught that? wow. so high do i think of people even when they are below/beneath me. I never got it. you dont know what you just said. that is why this house is the be all end all of all things for her. it is the only thing she ever did of pride
  
  slap myself
  
  wow. Very Wounded. All of them
  it speaks to my own brokenness too...i have listened and swam in hateful waters too long, I absorb what comes at me, instead of interrogating what is said to see and hear, we only say and do who we are!!!!
  
  wow Marcia. What a breakthrough

  
  
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  Maven Huggins good thing i been burning a white candle all day

  
  
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  Maven Huggins that kind of revelation needs to be transmogrified* purified..
  and those who transitioned need to find their way

  
  
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  Marcia Smith Cpc I live with wounded people for my growing years. It is near impossible for anything other than negative to come out unless they embrace their wounds and forgive. You are welcome.

  
  

• Today
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  Maven Huggins
  

  
  

  i have to tell you this...i have a man in my life. one who seems to do things never before seen..a land owner who gave me access to what is his, told me it is my home, and my way is paid with him (because i helped him figure out how to keep it)...and we were doing a lot together, organizing an event, preparing to be farmers, opening companies, and projects to make money . so he was here a lot. you know my mother ran him-- told me he was roaming the house too much. Marcia, this house is a big macco house twice if not three times the size of most peoples homes. he was never roaming, but we would be in the kitchen, weighing processing coffee beans, making seasonings that we would sell, meeting at the dining table with our other partner or the gallery to write proposals. and sitting in the living room to do wifi/computer/internet...
  I was so stunned. It has stayed in my throat...a man of some caliber and worth shows up in my life, at 48 and instead of being happy for me, he is spurned. shock i tell you. meanwhile her son in law is worthless...but i had to tell you that in the context of the conversation...and chase is not ordinary either eh...and i think he and i have an energy together that is overwhelming and formidable...but say what. I had to share
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  Marcia Smith Cpc
  

  
  

  First question: has she made you feel comfortable at that house and made you feel welcome there? Her home is your home?
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  Maven Huggins
  

  
  

  at first but it has totally soured. you know i was begging searching for my own place for years now. but it never happened. i just recently told her i not going no where.
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  her home is my home. but the land is what belonged to my grandparents. she got it as the only unmarried of the siblings.. she built it over. but this is the land i was born to and into. my first birth certificate name is baptiste, just like hers, just like my mothers and my grandparents. only when my parents got married at my age 2 do i have another name, huggins
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  Marcia Smith Cpc
  

  
  

  Hhow do you expect her to accept an extention of yourself? What made you think she woukd?
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  Maven Huggins
  

  
  

  how can i be welcome if i live here and cant have my love interest visit me in comfort here. you understand that?

  girl. you asking me things after the fact. you just gave me a revelation remember....It has been deep and puzzling
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  Marcia Smith Cpc
  

  
  

  Was she happy in her marraige/relationships?
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  Maven Huggins
  

  
  

  she had only one i know of, her daughter's father who they were engaged, and broke off. the daughter was of a single mother household and she grew up destined crosseyed not to be unmarried so what does she do? marry a loser of sorts..you should hear the daughter talk of her father.. she asked my mother,, "how did you let mommy marry daddy wayne?" she asked that at 7. i was shocked/
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  Marcia Smith Cpc
  

  
  

  Yoyr household strongly resembled the one I came from. Hurt all the way round. Very familiar story.

  Hurting people hurt people. Melise its wounded hearts and their own disappointments being spewed on you.

  Children are not stupid.
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  Maven Huggins
  

  
  

  girl. you have no idea. what you say. and when i tell you it is not just the household it is our WHOLE Family... the lot of them!!
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  and i cant explain how it is i ended up being the lightning rod except i am the only one living who lived and schooled abroad. i am the only female not in their form, and even of the three unmarried i am so independent and formed beyond wounding they have ended up resenting me rather than being happy for me. i had an experience with two cousins where i told them you would be happier if i was a broken battered woman than to be independent well and my own person. the male told me he would never want any of his daugters like me that i was too independent
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  Girl you have NO IDEA

Marcia Smith Cpc

I lived to hear my aunt tell me i was the most successful in our family. I decided to show them i was not going to be a failure by deciding to be a success.

You think i have no idea but Melise I do. More than you know. I refuse to be anybodies victim.

Maven Huggins

i gather that now. it was an expression...but you broke the code so clearly you know

Marcia Smith Cpc

What's the plan now?

What did your gentleman have to say?

Maven Huggins

i just ride the flow. i keep my center. i try and struggle and fight to keep the right perspective. it is tough all around. as great and better my gentleman is he is also a challenge to me-- but beyond the grap of what is called or named man or males in this place.
what he said is that has always happened in his life. he just took it in stride. she had relegated him to the gallery but somehow we have not been back here and he said the only way he comes back is if she invites him. but i cool with that. it and them and she is just ugliness in a pretty house so no loss except we are robbed of a place to commune and work and friend and enjoy/ i just count it part of the struggle and story

Marcia Smith Cpc

All too familiar .