They Run Away from Goodness, Power and Light

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  Maven Huggins
  

  
  

  how do some women get even when they are jealous? i really want to know...my brain wired differently. i just leave
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  Lois H. Y. Lewis
  

  
  

  lol

  well i dont get jealous.......i doh ever give them that satisfaction

  men are very much visual in nature. what they SEE has more effect than how they FEEL. so you will need to go VISUAL on them!!

  that works for most men

  and when you ignore their assess they cant deal with it!
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  Maven Huggins
  

  
  

  i dont know. i feel clueless. i know i am.
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  Lois H. Y. Lewis
  

  
  

  hmm......i spent so much of my young life being the one no boy wanted.......i taught myself to be resilient......NO man is going to make me jealous!!! EVVA!!! There is one who tried it........I think he still taking therapy. Lol. But seriously, I HURT badly, Maven. I SENSE before I find out. I VISUALIZE before things actually occur........there is a young man I am very taken up with. I am not his 'type'....but for some reason, he introduced himself, friended me and proceeded to get ALL of my attention........and now I dunno........sigh.....but I know that I SHALL NOT be a victum!! I refuse to be!! This is why I stay single........may be a cop-out but I hadda use whatever means I can to preserve ME. No more ME-ABUSE! Did enough of that in my 20's.
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  Maven Huggins
  

  
  

  i hear you. but i am trying to be full hearted. to live from the heart. i did all that self protection before. and i thought chase was real and safe. but i dont know anymore. and i am not sure i am seeing and thinking right, or if he is fucking up and fucked up. and i am torn between my old self , my current conditions. and the new self to be...it is only my awareness that is saving me
  and if i had the means i would get rid of my phone move and just vanish...leave it alone
  but that would be more running away
  i think now i am just trying to make my past work for me so i can provide something for myself...right now i am not doing that and what i thought was new and good may not be/ or maybe that it just ran its course
  i know. i am repeating myself in circles.
  Sigh
  i feel sad too struggling not to be a victim and be pitiful but feel i am awfully close\
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  Lois H. Y. Lewis
  

  
  

  Maven..........same here.....with the struggling not to be a victim.......story of my life.........I think I love too innocently - who you tell me you are is who I believe you to be. Apparently, this is NOT how it is supposed to work. I can't do it any other way. So I guess I need to just step back. In my 42 years of life, I have been in 2 1/2 relationships as is being WITH someone! 1 1/2 of them was undercover as one didn't want folks to know and the other I didn't want folks to know..........My son's father was my only visible relationship......sigh. I have many who claim interest but.........if you can't or won't give me what I want and how I want it then I doh see the point.......smh.......
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  Lois H. Y. Lewis
  

  
  

  I would love to have SUPPORT

  I ALWAYS struggle alone

  with everything

  So very tired of that

  But i am not the jealous kind. I am a very independent partner. I doh need coddling and attention all the time .........however that DOES NOT mean you could walk all over me and disrespect my presence in your life...........

  smh
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  Maven Huggins
  

  
  

  "innocently" and naive
  you know i gave chase so much because that was my need and motivation, my greatest wish-- to have someone to support me so completely. he appeared to do that at the beginning but now..it is not the same. and i been trying to navigate and be mature about it. but right now i think it must mean something...either he is afraid to say good bye, after he made such a grand to do about getting me...or his other struggles in life...this land.. but it is too many excuses i am giving him...part of me trying to be a woman giving in a relationship, but it becomes a fine line between self immolation. i been trying to make it work but i think it might be an impossibility...and it hurts. but perhaps only because i have attachment and i believed illusions.delusions
  that is it. chase has stopped giving me what he brought in the beginning and my attempt to talk about it, and work it through brings a level and kind of response that shocks me
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  Lois H. Y. Lewis
  

  
  

  wow..........yes.......slow down..........back up........for your sake
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  Maven Huggins
  

  
  

  maybe this was a bump in the road for me to rebuild myself and my mettle. ...so i take it as that. I was just crying and i feel better...making myself feel better. making this be for some use.
  i just pray my heart and resources were not in vain. and that it was soil, seed, water and sentiment for my own wellbeing and wealth making...ii should hate to think i did it for one so ungrateful...emotionally...but this is the same person who told me my way was made and i could live on that land and it was my home too...
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  Maven Huggins
  

  
  

  it was crazy Lois. nothing was slow. Nothing
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  Lois H. Y. Lewis
  

  
  

  i get you..........i jut feel passion as you tell me about this

  i don't know how to function without passion either.........this is how we love........and how we breathe..........passionately...............so what now?
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  Maven Huggins
  

  
  

  you give a good word there
  and that is characteristic of this whole mess
  whenever i feel despair and despondent, someone, something comes up shows up and gives it back to me in a way that is positive...we are passionate. VERY.
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  Maven Huggins
  

  
  

  i dont know. what now.
  i feel i do need to teach him but i have no power.
  I felt my accident last night was the universe and goddess reasons and the moon to get him to tow a line. but today, he again refused to take me to town, though he was going on an errand. that kind of behavior i cant make sense. and i wonder what is it , in general, about me, that makes him react this way and react so inconsistently...
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  Lois H. Y. Lewis
  

  
  

  i admire your passion about nature and the land and the connection between nature and music.........i admire your consistency. You say the same thing in many different ways. i admire the poetic manner in which you share your thoughts. i don't have that gift. i think chase is overwhelmed by you. he does not think he is good enough for you.
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  Maven Huggins
  

  
  

  i feel i have no control in the relationship. and i wonder why he feels he has to teach, instruct, be so harsh, intimidated and fearful of me. he did tell me that once...that i am so strong he has to steel up to deal with me. and that i make him feel stupid which i never tried to do.. but i think it is his own inferiorities. but it is getting in the way...which makes me wonder and think if it could ever work out. and we do have a complex story, besides.
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  Lois H. Y. Lewis
  

  
  

  he is trying to mentally separate himself. he is running away..........sigh.......thought he was braver tho. he looks so.........the man to be your partner has to be braver........
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  Maven Huggins
  

  
  

  lol. you just wrote what i just wrote. at the same time I was writing it.
  and it makes me sad. and i dont think there is anything i can do to fix that. so i think i must just leave him'

  but thanks for writing those wonderful words. you bless me. you help me

  i know

  that is it. he is running away...
  
  
  

  • Lois H. Y. Lewis
    

    
    

    sigh.......don't 'chase' him tho.......let him go.....let him run.......so eventually, he has only himself to blame.

    just ease up slowly but surely
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    Maven Huggins
    

    
    

    that is what i hope/plan to do...just that. no matter how i hurt and cry and write...like now. with you. today.
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    Maven Huggins
    

    
    

    Lois are you okay with me putting this conversation in my blog?
    it does not have great traffic. but my blog is literally my journal. i have not written in a month. but this exchange is rich. not just of my story but of yours too...and us black women struggling in relationships
    i have learned so much about that dynamic: black men and women. it has been amazing
  • 
    

    Lois H. Y. Lewis
    

    
    

    I find that I can cry no more..........

  
  

  
  

  

  Lois H. Y. Lewis
  

  
  

  I find that I can cry no more..........

  i guess........cause if it can help someone then.......i guess......

  the last time i cried over a man was 1995

  i cry now when i am overwhelmed and words don't come out or when I can't get to say what I want and how I want

  Maven Huggins
  

  chase at the beginning did tell me "to write our story". i have been.
  

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  • Lois H. Y. Lewis
    

    
    

    i cry if a dog dies.......or like, on Tuesday, when I attended the funeral of one of my young singers........young and promising lives come to an end. For me, sadness has been such a great part of my life that I am, in a way, used to it. And THAT is not right!! Now I pay closer attention. So many things have happened in my life only within the last 6 years or so.......sometimes I am amazed that I am still standing. A COMPETENT and GRATIFYING companion I surely need! I can't be the one toting the load....not anymore......
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    Lois H. Y. Lewis
    

    
    

    that is good. then I will purchase the first copy!!
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    Maven Huggins
    

    
    

    ;D
    you helped me just now. even more than i thought. i am now calmer. the crying stopped. seriously ceased. and it is because you explained what i am seeing and experiencing but had no words. he is running away. i can deal with that. i can let him. no resistance from me

  
  

  • Lois H. Y. Lewis
    

    
    

    nope! i am glad you are willing to let him go.....he will feel it and may feel more comfortable and not go anywhere!! BUT..........it is not a matter of trying to predict his actions as much as just letting it be.
  • Maven Huggins
    

    
    

    yes. that is my lesson. to let all and everything and anything BE.
    that is it everyday.

    i was just checking myself that it was not my own idiosyncrasies and assness, again. that i was not making the same mistakes

    being foolish, egoic...i was just checking myself that i was being loving to myself and to him. (i cant say right)> i was making sure i was not creating my own suffering. and to let go makes no suffering

  
  Lois H. Y. Lewis
  

  correct

  
  --------------"on sex can make us delusional"..............
  
  

  • Maven Huggins

    hm. that is another thing. i and or chase were saved. for some reason our relationship was more platonic than sexual. we have really good energy, interest at one point, and good sex. the last time he said i made him and his legs weak. but i always thought it odd and a blessing at the same time. and that captures why and how this experience transcended all normalities. and it has been confusing. the thing itself was delusional. the relationship. not any one aspect. bizarre. i often wondered if he was lying about who he was.
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    Lois H. Y. Lewis

    hmm.....does HE know who he is?
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    Maven Huggins

    i did wonder if something is wrong with him, if he does not have the rage for sex, or if he is with someone else, but Lois, Chase and I were together straight every day since we met. literally . perhaps a week of separation in between. serious. isnt that crazy?
    what do you mean "does he know who he is?"
    
    Lois H. Y. Lewis
    

    you say you wonder whether he was lying about who he is........but is is that he is lying or that he DOESN'T KNOW?

    wow

    ok

    hmm

    i don't think it is someone else tho
    

    • Maven Huggins

      i think that is a good part of it
      I think he is caught between living and surviving in this terrible place called trinidad and being the pure soft hearted soul he is.
      I see him thinking he has great friends and a cousin but they are all shithounds, asshole smartment or proving that they are not for him. from the outside looking in, that is the huge thing i have seen about his life these two months
      but he does not admit it, or when he does, he plays it down. his children have recently shocked him too
    • 
      

      Maven Huggins

      him not knowing who he is might run way deeper than i can know or see too
    • 
      

      Lois H. Y. Lewis

      wow

      ok
    • 
      

      Maven Huggins

      but he is under a great amount of pressure now:
      he said it:
      "war at home"
      "war at work"
      and us and our battles that i now think are not of me. all him. but he does not see it. He does have a lot of dark suffering areas about him. this has been instructive to me.. the first time i tried to relate to a trini man...and though he fits in some areas, in others, not.
      Bizarre i tell you