this morning, when i woke up..i woke up brimming. wrote about it...titled...Highest Good: Thoughts, Self Talk and Words. i think after that as I made the bed, seem like spirit told me, or my self, or just internal instruction..."t0 light the candle". i did. i forgot about it. Just now entering the sanctuary, and realize candle still burning. having posted so much of Son of Baldwin's meditations, I now realize and believe why. at least part of the reason.
then as I was just minding turtle, Chavez, i come out reflecting on many of what Son of Baldwin wrote there...something i did not post...about apologists...and i thought, hm. it made me ponder forgiveness. i am not a forgiving person, i regret to say. So much of life tells you to be that. But just that i have seen how much it is the people you forgive who will kill you, if not by dint o indifference, the sword, the word, deed or murder, it happens. so is best not to forget yourself and your carriaged interests>
i dont now..but some how it tied in...I think, at this late stage learning about myself..and taking descriptors...i may also not be an Apologists. i dont seek to nor do I explain away the shit people do. and that infuriates a lot of people. cause people would like to casually and conveniently forget the shit they do you. under many guises and names and rationales. and i know i have done shit in my life. woi boy when i was young i was a piece of work. I often wish i could go back and apologize to those people i trampled. but the funny thing, now , i still do shit. this time i would like to think well. i would be rationalizing right? if i continued...but i think this rounds, i am more aware and conscious. and when i do fuckup, it is almost intentional. i am aware, i am doing x, i am refusing to do y, and this is my explanation to myself z. spoken only to myself and prepared to take and suffer the price and consequences...that might be the difference
cause you know what i know? i been at war for a long time, and perhaps from birth, and even before birth in marina's womb for all that she was going through; and definitely for all the women's lives in my parental lines, mainly, expressly among my paternal...and if not for them all, to be released of myriad curses and stories, then for myself...i am at war for my safety, wellbeing and sanity, and aint no body ever committed to that mission, sometimes not even me. of that i am clear and painfully aware.
so forgive me if I go about my business. i am learning, you dont get a second chance. hence my unforgiveness...i have always been intense and over serious. trying to lighten up but shit, there aint nothing light about the war people and women like me endure. so again, forgive me eh. forgive me, until you are ready to pay for the sufferations of generations and peoples and cultures before that arrived me here, forgive me eh forgive me
as i go about my business.
then as I was just minding turtle, Chavez, i come out reflecting on many of what Son of Baldwin wrote there...something i did not post...about apologists...and i thought, hm. it made me ponder forgiveness. i am not a forgiving person, i regret to say. So much of life tells you to be that. But just that i have seen how much it is the people you forgive who will kill you, if not by dint o indifference, the sword, the word, deed or murder, it happens. so is best not to forget yourself and your carriaged interests>
i dont now..but some how it tied in...I think, at this late stage learning about myself..and taking descriptors...i may also not be an Apologists. i dont seek to nor do I explain away the shit people do. and that infuriates a lot of people. cause people would like to casually and conveniently forget the shit they do you. under many guises and names and rationales. and i know i have done shit in my life. woi boy when i was young i was a piece of work. I often wish i could go back and apologize to those people i trampled. but the funny thing, now , i still do shit. this time i would like to think well. i would be rationalizing right? if i continued...but i think this rounds, i am more aware and conscious. and when i do fuckup, it is almost intentional. i am aware, i am doing x, i am refusing to do y, and this is my explanation to myself z. spoken only to myself and prepared to take and suffer the price and consequences...that might be the difference
cause you know what i know? i been at war for a long time, and perhaps from birth, and even before birth in marina's womb for all that she was going through; and definitely for all the women's lives in my parental lines, mainly, expressly among my paternal...and if not for them all, to be released of myriad curses and stories, then for myself...i am at war for my safety, wellbeing and sanity, and aint no body ever committed to that mission, sometimes not even me. of that i am clear and painfully aware.
so forgive me if I go about my business. i am learning, you dont get a second chance. hence my unforgiveness...i have always been intense and over serious. trying to lighten up but shit, there aint nothing light about the war people and women like me endure. so again, forgive me eh. forgive me, until you are ready to pay for the sufferations of generations and peoples and cultures before that arrived me here, forgive me eh forgive me
as i go about my business.
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