i had an interesting night.
slept about eight to nine hours
and my sleep now i realize, some of it, some nights, some hours are all conscious sleep where my brain is still thinking, viewing, working, while i am in some form of sleep, deep eye stability and closure. last night was like that.
i realized i think in words. words and phrases appear to me in my brain. me seeing them is what instructs me what to do, what to write when i am awake but the value of it to me today is that i see
'how my brain works' and understand that in the context of hateful people who tell me i speak too much - like chase. no one has ever told me that. but it might be true.
another thing i realized last night is that i wish for someone valuable, trustworthy and obeah to speak to. and i remembered when i had the thought how i mentioned it on fb to kola boof on a thread where she wrote of seeing a psychologist because of this zimmerman trial, and that was before the acquittal last night. so imagine what she is feeling and thinking this morning.
all night long, i went to bed because i was distressed and unhappy. i kept praying, calling out for help, from God, the Ancestors, Guides, my Self. and i remembered telling myself, you only know one of them is here and exist so reach out there, to her, to me. and so i began. being aware of what i do. my thoughts, and so when ever i had thoughts of sadness, of chase's mistreatment, or the situation i find myself in; of what he might be doing or not doing, i stopped and brought my thoughts back to me. in the belief that all thoughts are vibrations and energy and support i chose and choose to support me and not lift anyone else up, least of all someone who seems so thoroughly dreadful in lack of loyalty, consideration and reciprocity. i am almost aghast to see how i have helped him in his mission to save his land if not stave off the repossession and this has been my thanks. but,
i am also learning and writing a lot about being zen. about accepting everything, resisting nothing and no one. not fighting, complaining, or arguing, cause there is no requirement or expectation that the animal person does anything other than what they do and choose. i just have no response, reaction or dysfunction. I stay stable. is the plan. I also am learning about release, and flow. i talked to myself of these things all night. i used creative visualization to see myself as a boabab tree and recalled the poem i wrote ages ago about women being trees of lebanon, as soon as i try to cite the poem, the type of tree leaves me...but i think that is then this is now, the call is for my core, back and abdomen to be stronger. for my trunk and torso to be totally immovable, so now, this season, the boabab
then during sleep i was trying to breathe. now i wonder if this was real or a dream, but i thought i was doing it. deep breaths, not shallow. i tried to think of what next and thought of the jobs i applied for: to be Skylar's nanny come September. and oh how life is repeating itself. i thought of my art and how i am not doing it. the thing i was told to do, the thing that could possibly keep my heart still. i thought yesterday while awake how my life has flipped 180 degrees. no longer running the streets in accompaniment to chase, how i have arrived back where i began. at home. in my room, on the computer, in front the tv. take heart. keep it moving and be grateful that i have at least that. i am grateful that i knew to take sleep than to keep myself in mental strife.
i also thought about parenting, and seeing how i am still very emotionally moved by circumstances outside myself, i realize i am not ready to parent, me now, at forty-eight after waiting so long out of fear and lack of opportunity and lack of a mate, and having talked about it for months with chase, i realize, i am not ready and dont need to have a child or children. i feel i would still be marking them. not showing them how to be transcended individuals, but full of angst, imbalance and fear. my issues with trust, and how it keeps coming up and is it because i dont trust myself because i make so many faux pas. why at this age am i going through this shit of smart confidence men? so what is it do i have to teach anyone? what is it? desperation for love, company? fun? companionship? it is not real. and i feel i am surrounded by sociopsychopathological characters, of varying degrees of sickness but the whole landscape is made of them so it is hard to make a distinction.and if you grew up with it see endless all women put up with it, you become inured to know, this is not acceptable. and then last night given my thinking in words and how i spend my days reading on the net, to be with someone who does not read. Madness
but this presumption of signs and wonders and mysticism and universal ancestral designation of us being together, i hold in suspension. i feel it is easy to take yourself down a rabbit hole with neither oxygen nor sight of exit
i am trying to think what else i thought of last night.
one thing is i believe i shall stay away from the farm and d'ruin. i dont plan to take part in any events in the future. we were supposed to be doing an all inclusive bus ride for emancipation. we have not moved on it. and when in the past i tried to keep chase on a path of our goals his response is i am pushing him. hell that is what you said you wanted mfr. a woman to help you along your aims and missions. the biggest thing was supposed to be my bob marley concert and fete, but i am done with that and him and any venture working with him. he is horrible, untenable.
and i took stock of experiences beyond now ...how it is i am constantly using other people's stuff to try to make my life and experiences if not fortunes. and how i am constantly trying to move people along as a placebo for my failure to move myself along. i need to stop that.. but one thing for sure, my life is rich for all that i do, get involved with, the range of people i engage and are exposed ...but when i take stock, i am not seeing much benefit beyond stating that. i have a rich life
all in all, the whole purpose of last night was to get over my despondency, to allay any depression and i feel that me and my smoking these last few weeks when i purchased my first pack of cigarettes, is a form of depression and boredom, i imagine.. and a reach to innure and drug/ even for a short hit my sadness with the smoking. i feel i awake up with some clarity and some effective steps to be successful
overall, last night and evening was a realization and its wall that i have been sad for awhile, but i was trying to be mature, grown up, and thinking if i just let someone else be who they want to be they will appreciate it enough to be kind.. not so. and what is the point of subjecting oneself to that level of self denial. and upon so unworthy an animal character. and what of my own...i write a lot of not blaming others for your personal mistakes. and i have had and shown no integrity, to go against my word, and my highest good...reminds me of a thought i had last night-- chase talks of the greatest good his action to reverse his engagement with me to be unkind, cold, unemotional, unaffectionate..and i thought- he would slash you and call it for the highest good- and that to me has to be the measure of a sociopsychopath-- and who are the women who find themselves in the lair of such males. ..something for me to google and relate- so i have failed in the caring and management of self, and so have no one to blame but only me to extricate.
and it is funny too because for this period of the waxing moon, on July 8 the New Moon, we were encouraged to write all that we wanted to manifest in this period of growth and expansion to the Full Moon. Half the things I wrote on there, dont need to be. and now i am in recall.
the highest truth of this writing, last night's experience and as i return to facebook and my news stream. i am reminded.. this is a very low time in the cosmos, across lands and waters. in the US is the zimmerman acquittal of a very guilty deplorable man in the murder of an innocent black boy. in child. in trinidad it is the ends of the earth underworld endless stream of madness, thieves and corruption that passes for public life. and then, my personal circumstance. in addition we had a debacle of the guardian newspaper being bought and pocketed by the criminal elite and all women were the characters, the victims, the journalists, some who stayed out of privilege and the darker ones who were left high and dry...and even now as I write, recognize how the agents were all male and the victims, females. the overall powerlessness of my beingness was palpable
towards forms of power, i recall in the dream, my thoughts during sleep trying to get to a dojo to become stronger. Don Jacob is the one I tried to reach. and i saw myself too...my hair was in extension braids, braided down to the end, with a deep side part. instructions all.
i think a next great step for me would be to braid my hair, Yoga, " Train, cleanse, eat well, and pray."
#jijutsu don jacob
how does one link in effortlessly to a zeigeist? a quiet thought?
Kathleen Wells:
"All black folks need to take mixed marital arts -- seriously."
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Ameerah C. Palacios Mba:
"In the midst of so much despair today because of the outcome of the George Zimmerman trial, ..."
Elizabeth Liberty:
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and what does what i went through last evening to last night have to do with the planets? the time and the season?
Just Channeling
Week Beginning 15th July 2013: Uranus Retrograde
An Inner Voyage for Outer Change
"This coming week is one of great significance as the Grand Trine in Water that’s been building for the past month and a half reaches exactitude mid-week (16th/17th) just as Uranus begins a five month retrograde journey back through Aries. I shall be writing more about the Grand Trine tomorrow, but today I want to draw attention to the coming six week period which promises to be a time of deeper anchoring for the energies of the new Aquarian Age.
As we all know, Uranus is currently in a lengthy square dance with Pluto, bringing about upheaval and change on a grand scale both personally and globally. There are peaks and troughs in their action but essentially, from 2012 through 2015, we’re in a profound time of shift during which any aspect of our life which no longer reflects or honours who we are, is being right royally sorted whether we like it or not. This to free up a vast energy source for the burgeoning new age. We are that energy source. It comes from inside us, out of the dark corners of our psyche where we have previously dared not look; it flows from the thoughts and emotions we have denied for so long, once they’re brought into the light of consciousness and finally embraced; it travels through us each time we act according to our inner voice and not the dictates and dogma of the external world. Uranus and Pluto are merely connecting us back into this energy circuit so we can conduct it more readily, now and in the future.
With that in mind, this turn about of Uranus at the time of the Grand Trine in Water is of particular significance. As the ruling planet of Aquarius, Uranus is ruler of our new age and is eager to get on with the job, not being prone to patience and all…However, as always when relying on human beings to play their part, it eventually has to wait up and let the rest of us catch up! Which is exactly what we’re going to be doing for the final half of this year, eased along with some considerable force in the coming six weeks. I say force but I mean encouragement, of course… it’s just that it’ll be the somewhat unremitting ‘won’t take no for an answer’ kind so characteristic of our friend Uranus.
When retrograde, Uranus pushes us back into ourselves, not to hide from and avoid the outside world, but to encounter and interact with our internal one. It reminds us that what we find ‘out there’ usually has its roots within us and until we can uncover those roots and do what needs to be done with them, we will forever experience ourselves as victims of life rather than its creators. Uranus is always eager to cut us loose and free, wanting only that we act with complete integrity in each moment of our lives, not once sacrificing authenticity in favour of acceptance and approval. But this is a tall order and one that we may struggle with on a daily basis for all kinds of reasons. Not least because we may be well aware that some or even many of our impulses are significantly problematic in the light of everyday life. Much as we may want to slap someone for being so ignorant/irritating/
So as Uranus takes us on an inner voyage of discovery, it is precisely these issues that it begins to raise, asking us to contemplate how to do and be the lightening power of Uranus without striking dead all and everyone who crosses our path! It’s so vital we get to grips with this now. Emotions and feelings have been gaining strength and power of late as the Grand Trine in Water brings deep healing to this area of our lives, but in doing so it brings to our attention many of our less ‘acceptable’ aspects, those bits of us that we really DO NOT want to have to admit to, let alone deal with! Tough! We have to deal with them and now’s the time. We have to face the part of us that feels superior to others, smug in its rightness; the part of us that feels such deep anger it could kill; the bit of us that harbours unpleasant secrets we share with no one, ever. We have to face the fact that there are all kinds of impulses that live within us which forever remind us of just how ‘unacceptable’ we could be if we really let rip!
But in cahoots with Pluto, Uranus loves all these bits and particularly enjoys prodding and poking at them until we can’t ignore them a moment longer. Suddenly they’re right there: the anger and the jealousy, those judgemental thoughts and behaviours, violent impulses towards ourselves and others, addictions, obsessions… you know, all those things we don’t like to talk about, especially when we’re being ‘spiritual’! Well… Uranus wants us to talk about them, to own up, starting with owning up to ourselves. It wants us to know that this is part of being human and the shame which keeps these things hidden and denied is one of the most insidiously destructive forces in the universe. This shame has no place in our lives anymore. There is no room for it in the Aquarian Age. It’s a thing of the past and we need to ensure we leave it where it belongs.
Which is why, as the cosmos is so good to us, it has arranged not one but two Full Moons in Aquarius in the coming six weeks (22nd July and 21st August GMT). The advent of an astrological Blue Moon (the 2nd of two Full Moons in the same astrological sign) always augurs a powerful time in which we can bring into full consciousness aspects of ourselves and our lives which no longer serve our highest good. And with Uranus ruling these Moons we are presented, now, a wonderful opportunity to really dig deep at the first Full Moon in order to get all those creeping roots free at the second. Of course, as always, I’ll be writing more about this nearer the time, but I wanted to give you a heads-up now so you know what’s on the horizon.
This is a challenging road ahead, a powerful one. It has many peaks and troughs as it winds onwards into our future. We are walking it together, each with our own load that we need to shed as we go. My issues may be different to yours but they’re issues none the less and the more we can each accept the other for what we are, in all our flawed humanity, the better able we will be to recognise and respond to the bright potential that lives at the heart of each one of us.
With love to everyone."
~ Sarah Varcas
www.astro-awakenings.co.uk
An Inner Voyage for Outer Change
"This coming week is one of great significance as the Grand Trine in Water that’s been building for the past month and a half reaches exactitude mid-week (16th/17th) just as Uranus begins a five month retrograde journey back through Aries. I shall be writing more about the Grand Trine tomorrow, but today I want to draw attention to the coming six week period which promises to be a time of deeper anchoring for the energies of the new Aquarian Age.
As we all know, Uranus is currently in a lengthy square dance with Pluto, bringing about upheaval and change on a grand scale both personally and globally. There are peaks and troughs in their action but essentially, from 2012 through 2015, we’re in a profound time of shift during which any aspect of our life which no longer reflects or honours who we are, is being right royally sorted whether we like it or not. This to free up a vast energy source for the burgeoning new age. We are that energy source. It comes from inside us, out of the dark corners of our psyche where we have previously dared not look; it flows from the thoughts and emotions we have denied for so long, once they’re brought into the light of consciousness and finally embraced; it travels through us each time we act according to our inner voice and not the dictates and dogma of the external world. Uranus and Pluto are merely connecting us back into this energy circuit so we can conduct it more readily, now and in the future.
With that in mind, this turn about of Uranus at the time of the Grand Trine in Water is of particular significance. As the ruling planet of Aquarius, Uranus is ruler of our new age and is eager to get on with the job, not being prone to patience and all…However, as always when relying on human beings to play their part, it eventually has to wait up and let the rest of us catch up! Which is exactly what we’re going to be doing for the final half of this year, eased along with some considerable force in the coming six weeks. I say force but I mean encouragement, of course… it’s just that it’ll be the somewhat unremitting ‘won’t take no for an answer’ kind so characteristic of our friend Uranus.
When retrograde, Uranus pushes us back into ourselves, not to hide from and avoid the outside world, but to encounter and interact with our internal one. It reminds us that what we find ‘out there’ usually has its roots within us and until we can uncover those roots and do what needs to be done with them, we will forever experience ourselves as victims of life rather than its creators. Uranus is always eager to cut us loose and free, wanting only that we act with complete integrity in each moment of our lives, not once sacrificing authenticity in favour of acceptance and approval. But this is a tall order and one that we may struggle with on a daily basis for all kinds of reasons. Not least because we may be well aware that some or even many of our impulses are significantly problematic in the light of everyday life. Much as we may want to slap someone for being so ignorant/irritating/
So as Uranus takes us on an inner voyage of discovery, it is precisely these issues that it begins to raise, asking us to contemplate how to do and be the lightening power of Uranus without striking dead all and everyone who crosses our path! It’s so vital we get to grips with this now. Emotions and feelings have been gaining strength and power of late as the Grand Trine in Water brings deep healing to this area of our lives, but in doing so it brings to our attention many of our less ‘acceptable’ aspects, those bits of us that we really DO NOT want to have to admit to, let alone deal with! Tough! We have to deal with them and now’s the time. We have to face the part of us that feels superior to others, smug in its rightness; the part of us that feels such deep anger it could kill; the bit of us that harbours unpleasant secrets we share with no one, ever. We have to face the fact that there are all kinds of impulses that live within us which forever remind us of just how ‘unacceptable’ we could be if we really let rip!
But in cahoots with Pluto, Uranus loves all these bits and particularly enjoys prodding and poking at them until we can’t ignore them a moment longer. Suddenly they’re right there: the anger and the jealousy, those judgemental thoughts and behaviours, violent impulses towards ourselves and others, addictions, obsessions… you know, all those things we don’t like to talk about, especially when we’re being ‘spiritual’! Well… Uranus wants us to talk about them, to own up, starting with owning up to ourselves. It wants us to know that this is part of being human and the shame which keeps these things hidden and denied is one of the most insidiously destructive forces in the universe. This shame has no place in our lives anymore. There is no room for it in the Aquarian Age. It’s a thing of the past and we need to ensure we leave it where it belongs.
Which is why, as the cosmos is so good to us, it has arranged not one but two Full Moons in Aquarius in the coming six weeks (22nd July and 21st August GMT). The advent of an astrological Blue Moon (the 2nd of two Full Moons in the same astrological sign) always augurs a powerful time in which we can bring into full consciousness aspects of ourselves and our lives which no longer serve our highest good. And with Uranus ruling these Moons we are presented, now, a wonderful opportunity to really dig deep at the first Full Moon in order to get all those creeping roots free at the second. Of course, as always, I’ll be writing more about this nearer the time, but I wanted to give you a heads-up now so you know what’s on the horizon.
This is a challenging road ahead, a powerful one. It has many peaks and troughs as it winds onwards into our future. We are walking it together, each with our own load that we need to shed as we go. My issues may be different to yours but they’re issues none the less and the more we can each accept the other for what we are, in all our flawed humanity, the better able we will be to recognise and respond to the bright potential that lives at the heart of each one of us.
With love to everyone."
~ Sarah Varcas
www.astro-awakenings.co.uk
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