Wednesday, July 24, 2013

"I love you but it is difficult" and other proclamations of demented sociopsychopaths





someone just told me i had "a conceited ego"...i could only remember that saying from childhood, i am not conceited i am confident. then i remembered someone telling me i was not confident, because i have chosen to withdraw myself from vapid, vacuous futile efforts, people and environments. sigh. do you see that...exercise your self protection and preservation and you lack confidence. then someone wrote me that something must be wrong with me cause most men want a woman like me and i have had friends* around me who will say to me, but no man would ever 'cheat or mistreat you' and then finally, being told that it is difficult to love me...all of these reports relate to one thing
or maybe more...the first thing is how twisted and upside down people, their brains, their thinking, and how convoluted their cause and effects if not totally defiant of consequential steps, logic and emotional sensibility...

but it sent me googling "difficult to love" because i have a suspicion..anyone you find difficult to love is because you really dont love them, you love yourself and your self interest, and what you think you can get out of them and the reasons why you are connected to them, and their fullness, wholeness happiness is not your mission. I suspect this. i suspect someone is difficult to love when you are insisting on your own selfish decrepit and broken aims to do what you will at all and whatever costs to those around you and the entity that is your relationship. I believe difficult to love is when you dont even see the relationship as an entity and creation to nurture and maintain, you just see the other person as an obstacle to what you want, how you want, when and where. i suspect.

i suspect someone who finds someone difficult to love does not even know what love is. and therein lies likes a Huge Problem. people say love you but have you ever discussed or asked them what is love, how do you define love. folk have no idea what is love..and many just take it as a feeling and treat it as a cloak to put on and put off and that is proof that it is not love. i remember something my daddy told me in my twenties: anyone who loves you will never leave you. he was speaking about men. i think life and living have proven that true. i know when i love someone that means a commitment to see this thing through/ to get you to the other side of whatever obtains/ what man takes that mission/... i am forced to think of rumi, gibran and reilke. they are my standard bearers of love too, should i get lost or confused.

but the one search of difficult to love led me to self love. and what a find.
one of the first early line is "the current definition of self-love on dictionary.com is 'conceit, vanity and narcissism'' ...so no wonder some idiot will think my self actualization and embrace is a conceited ego/ cause i am supposed to be begging company, interest and companionship. not outlining what i want and what works for me under what conditions...that would fall under 'what you want' and i have been told that all my life. "you know what you want" and now that comes up all the time, i really truly understand that most folks dont know what they want so they take, dally and dance with everything>

but i am getting ahead of myself/ be careful what people tell you , be careful of who it is telling you what... a leaking faucet cant tell you how to keep water. people who are in various degrees and depths of self loathing and self hate cant tell you how to celebrate, in fact, when you try to they will douse you with all kinds of ice and cold water. this is so palpable to me it is uncanny. but the messages and bombardment and blast is so consistent, even me, i ask, question and wonder my intuition, knowing and insight...but i found something that validates a few things that i was afraid of

i was afraid of maybe: I really dont love myself and hence my problems
I was afraid of being desperately wrong and wrong headed. i was afraid of being convoluted and complicated so as to be (back to wrong)...but there is a self love test. I pass with flying colors. I am clear on another thing...love is not a feeling it is an action, a verb, a path, a walking. people will proclaim their love for you while holding scissors to cut your sails, mid air; people will see you happy and look to sabotage your joy, all the while and during their "love you , but it is difficult" story..and i realize in capsulate, my common theme and story...these are all forms of one thing: sociopsychopathology and its projections

it is not difficult to love me, it is in fact one of the easiest things: be consistent, have your word carry water, have a memory, be loyal, be committed to the mission of togetherness, safety and protection, walk a straight path, be mindful, be considerate, ...what is difficult in that? man the ship, never abandon deck. recognize there is me, you and the ship we are sailing, all three need to be maintained and cared for. where is the difficulty...but you know what would be difficult to stare me in my eye and lie, to cheat when you tell me i have trust issues, when you entertain trouble by a host of "friends", when you say one thing and do another, when the play on the ground dont fit your stories, when the staging and behind curtains dont match your playbill that you disseminating...that is difficult. when you say you are in a relationship but your only mission is petty selfish actions and thinking that is totally detrimental to self, home, other and hearth. That is Difficult

and only one in self love would see these things like the blinding scorching caribbean sunlight at midday. and still, if they love and chose to love you, they will pause and wonder, what is it that has caused this twistedness, such is the folly of conceit (sarcasm)

http://www.daretoliveyou.com/blog/2011/02/do-you-really-love-yourself.html

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and everything requires sacrifice / you say you love someone, then there are sacrifices to create maintain and grow that love. what sacrifices were you ever willing to make for this love and life you said you wanted/?
I feel to laugh realizing the truth and centrality of this...you cant have the dream without dealing with the shadows, the obstacles, the obstructions
you wanted the gifts and blessings without the sacrifice and work. and that is why this was difficult. you wanted the benefits free
amazing lessons for me

http://archive.constantcontact.com/fs101/1102009605832/archive/1114027693544.html


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