Saturday, August 3, 2013

Love of Vampires

if they tell you you are too complicated to love is it true?
if they say loving you is difficult is that true?
if they say that you have not opened up to them, do you know it?
what if you opened up to them more than any one else in the past, is that true?
are these things true?

am i damaged goods?
am i handicapped: mentally, emotionally:
-thinking i am an alien
-thinking i am misunderstood wholesale
-talking different to most
do i have trust issues and baggage? or are the men i have encountered and most of the ones that surround me show themselves untrustworthy?
do you really want to be with me when you make and keep yourself open to all your ex girlfriends?
are you really committed to me when you refuse to tell your ex girlfriend you have a woman in your life?

how can you distinguish between the men telling the truth and the ones lying to you to shade their deceit?

how do you know that it is just them trying to break you feeling that you are too powerful?
how do you know the difference between gender bashing and subjugation and real personality flaws that are deal breakers?

how do you tell him I know you are a liar cause i read your phone texts: the quandary between trying to assail the truth and trying to find the real character and being besmirched yourself transgressing someone's privacy. the privacy that has no honor

how do you not bash yourself when you have insecurities about your own correctness but bounced up against confusion

what about when they tell you you are confused, crazy, wrong headed, wrong thinking, overanalyzing, and coming up with the wrong conclusions

if you are in a relationship with someone, will they have regular daily and multiple texts and conversations with an ex girlfriend?

and then you talk about building a network?
how are your ex girlfriends helping you create your life?
when you are in trouble, how come any number of your male friends so close to you not an option?

i dont understand this life
i dont understand life
I am not so smart

how do you know your feelings of sadness and loss are not just your desperation? and not this idea of love? if a man loves you does he leave you? and refuse to put in the work?

he says you never opened up
you never trusted him
you believed he was sleeping with others

 i am futilely trying to write my way out of a love morass, a need crutch? a life 2013 disappointment.
ii thought i found the man who would love me for eternity; at least that is what he promised
iii but evidently i am not the person he met, something about complex, complicated, with trust issues...and all the while i think it is him. if a man walks the straight and narrow and not shady and hypocritical, a woman cant help but be happy. i was for three months. blissfully so

now i am moving on
unsure
unclear
still cursed: "a man will never be with you but for more than a few months"

..when who and what and you thought you were so great and end up being not worth a bag of chips, at all

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