Launching
Upful; Saving D’Ruin; and Writing 2013
“I really think that Upful can be a major
tool in helping us all spread health, wellness, sustainability and higher
conscious thought throughout T&T. That said, it can only happen if we all
step up and get involved!” Jade Solis
I responded to an ad; requested to, and was asked, subsequently, to write for a new journal on Health, Wellness, Sustainability and Higher Consciousness in Trinidad and Tobago. With the onslaught of the struggle to survive, however; an odyssey of resilient and persistent frustration and futility going on ten years and running, I faltered. I had not one clue. Not one idea.
I had spent this year thinking I was doing the following things with a partner:
1. Building a relationship
I responded to an ad; requested to, and was asked, subsequently, to write for a new journal on Health, Wellness, Sustainability and Higher Consciousness in Trinidad and Tobago. With the onslaught of the struggle to survive, however; an odyssey of resilient and persistent frustration and futility going on ten years and running, I faltered. I had not one clue. Not one idea.
I had spent this year thinking I was doing the following things with a partner:
1. Building a relationship
2. Taking care of each other
3. Saving his Ancestral Lands – my fancy language for his
mother’s attempt and hands
4. Building an Organic Animal and Food Production Farm and
Permaculture Outfit
5. Making Business in various forms and fields; and,
6. Creating a Life
But instead of that, it was just acrimony, hardship, deceit, cheating, deep heartbreak, a disappointment that I doubt has any repair and with lasting impact for my interaction with men of Trinidad for the future, and, the loss of $50,000 invested. Money that I now do not have to live from, provide maintenance for my vehicle or a bit of security as I edge along on the margins of unemployment for a woman with a PhD in development economics here in this twin island paradise
But instead of that, it was just acrimony, hardship, deceit, cheating, deep heartbreak, a disappointment that I doubt has any repair and with lasting impact for my interaction with men of Trinidad for the future, and, the loss of $50,000 invested. Money that I now do not have to live from, provide maintenance for my vehicle or a bit of security as I edge along on the margins of unemployment for a woman with a PhD in development economics here in this twin island paradise
So what do I really have to say about Health, Wellness,
Sustainability and Higher Consciousness in Trinidad and Tobago? Seems to me
this story for this year alone disqualifies my wisdom, sense and sensibility to
speak authentically; but don’t you love irony and the unexpected? It is
precisely because of my faltering in judgment, choice and shrewdness this 2013
year of the water snake and eros that I can expound on what mistakes never to
repeat, and hopefully share a deepening that can benefit others if not myself
Merle Chase bought twelve acres of land about twenty or so years ago; maybe even longer. I never met her. This very dark chocolate black woman of this Trinidad and Tobago-- that to me, she and her sister look like they could be from Grenada and be the sister or cousin of my grandmother Ruth Huggins.
She bought that land at the divorce from her husband, whose son himself told me how his father maligned his mother and spoke of her detrimental to their perception of her; as if she was senseless, without smarts, competence or wisdom. The son telling me this but lost on him is how he has grown to emulate the same behaviors toward me even at ripe but still immature age of forty-seven. Seems fragile and incompetent men do just that to the bright women about them. He has attempted and done the same thing to me. But from the moment I met him and heard his mother’s story, I took an affinity to Merle Chase. What black woman in this day and age and Trinidad has the vision to buy land and try to farm it by her lonesome, and to be decades my senior in the matter, she had my deep respect and earned my interest and investment to do whatever, to reclaim, establish and advance her hand. I was foolhardy to say the least. But I was reaching out to the dreams I have long held close: To live in the bush, to be in love. Time has not been on my side, but even that might be for recompense, shaken up and amassed.
And either I was made out in a confidence game: me, single, mature, attractive, visionary, enthusiastic woman, who everybody perceives to think I live in a castle filled with bottomless pits of gold and money; So I was taken, I suspect, love and commitment made in jest, declarations of the most promising gifts of land and home; “this land is yours Chase told me many times” until after I had spent my TT$50,000, called Larry Howai to remove the land from a repossession list on May 15, was the sole funder of an event, me and my Aunt Mona Ryan, which was a glowing success/ Only then, was all the promises of love and affection withheld, squeezed out, retracted and broken off. If I tell you the depth of my sobs one day after swallowing so much pain, disappointment and attempts to ride a bad patch out so unwilling was I to believe that I really was taken for a long ride on a short donkey. My mother consoled me that Saturday morning.
I had such grand plans.
I wanted and did grow Organic Produce, Cucumbers were the Best: Sweet and Crunchy. NO chemicals, growth, pesticides or preventatives. Fresh from Pure Fields. The Pumpkins were swamped by water and inadequate drainage. I managed to push off a few buckets of the tenderest dasheen bush and coffee from the Maracas Hills of St. Joseph. My first client begged me for more and referred me to another demanding their own supply.
I wanted to make the D’Ruin, [https://www.facebook.com/DRuinSanRafael?fref=ts], the site of an Ecological Economic Area Revitalization Plan emphasizing Green Technologies: Solar Energies, Wind Turbines, Green Walls, and Permaculture, with funding from The Magnitudinous billion dollar Green Fund; and even wanted to develop my own water treatment recycling rain water plant on the premises. Inclusive of all this was the rehabilitation of the rivers that bound the twelve acre property: The Cumuto and Caroni.
But all dashed in a dismantling of what I and many others saw and thought was a powerful union between two dazzling star-people; one too innocent to see when she is being smartmanned*. But rising still from the fire and ashes, after months of distance and resilience building. That land and the twelve acres, Merle Chase’s start and purchase, and my vision is just the place to build consciousness for health, wellness by the care and sustainable efforts of in and through nature.
Merle Chase bought twelve acres of land about twenty or so years ago; maybe even longer. I never met her. This very dark chocolate black woman of this Trinidad and Tobago-- that to me, she and her sister look like they could be from Grenada and be the sister or cousin of my grandmother Ruth Huggins.
She bought that land at the divorce from her husband, whose son himself told me how his father maligned his mother and spoke of her detrimental to their perception of her; as if she was senseless, without smarts, competence or wisdom. The son telling me this but lost on him is how he has grown to emulate the same behaviors toward me even at ripe but still immature age of forty-seven. Seems fragile and incompetent men do just that to the bright women about them. He has attempted and done the same thing to me. But from the moment I met him and heard his mother’s story, I took an affinity to Merle Chase. What black woman in this day and age and Trinidad has the vision to buy land and try to farm it by her lonesome, and to be decades my senior in the matter, she had my deep respect and earned my interest and investment to do whatever, to reclaim, establish and advance her hand. I was foolhardy to say the least. But I was reaching out to the dreams I have long held close: To live in the bush, to be in love. Time has not been on my side, but even that might be for recompense, shaken up and amassed.
And either I was made out in a confidence game: me, single, mature, attractive, visionary, enthusiastic woman, who everybody perceives to think I live in a castle filled with bottomless pits of gold and money; So I was taken, I suspect, love and commitment made in jest, declarations of the most promising gifts of land and home; “this land is yours Chase told me many times” until after I had spent my TT$50,000, called Larry Howai to remove the land from a repossession list on May 15, was the sole funder of an event, me and my Aunt Mona Ryan, which was a glowing success/ Only then, was all the promises of love and affection withheld, squeezed out, retracted and broken off. If I tell you the depth of my sobs one day after swallowing so much pain, disappointment and attempts to ride a bad patch out so unwilling was I to believe that I really was taken for a long ride on a short donkey. My mother consoled me that Saturday morning.
I had such grand plans.
I wanted and did grow Organic Produce, Cucumbers were the Best: Sweet and Crunchy. NO chemicals, growth, pesticides or preventatives. Fresh from Pure Fields. The Pumpkins were swamped by water and inadequate drainage. I managed to push off a few buckets of the tenderest dasheen bush and coffee from the Maracas Hills of St. Joseph. My first client begged me for more and referred me to another demanding their own supply.
I wanted to make the D’Ruin, [https://www.facebook.com/DRuinSanRafael?fref=ts], the site of an Ecological Economic Area Revitalization Plan emphasizing Green Technologies: Solar Energies, Wind Turbines, Green Walls, and Permaculture, with funding from The Magnitudinous billion dollar Green Fund; and even wanted to develop my own water treatment recycling rain water plant on the premises. Inclusive of all this was the rehabilitation of the rivers that bound the twelve acre property: The Cumuto and Caroni.
But all dashed in a dismantling of what I and many others saw and thought was a powerful union between two dazzling star-people; one too innocent to see when she is being smartmanned*. But rising still from the fire and ashes, after months of distance and resilience building. That land and the twelve acres, Merle Chase’s start and purchase, and my vision is just the place to build consciousness for health, wellness by the care and sustainable efforts of in and through nature.
“My
love, I don't ask that you are faithful to me. You demonstrate faithfulness to
me through your faithfulness to self. And you betray me only when you betray
yourself.”
~ By Jeff Mincey
FireMaiden, San Rafael
There is no one outlet for organic goods in Trinidad and Tobago.
There is no location for all the artisan, artists and craft makers in these twin islands; and so far no one has brought the wealth of our creations to a website where we can market ourselves and our beautiful creations to the world at large. I think of an etsy.trinbagoyard.
So what was my motivation? Since I landed in Trinidad in 2003, I just wanted one thing: to live in the bush, breathe green air and fill my eyes with lush quiet. Best if by a river, spring or ocean…the movement of water, tide and rushings, This Aquarian Water Carrier just wanted to be and inhabit her full righteous self.
I still hold these dreams. The land has a TT$63,000 debt to clear by November 15. By the time you read this I will either have made it or fallen short, but in any case please flood Larry Howai and Taurus Services, the media to bring corrections. Public Action is our only recourse when it becomes late. The rightful owners neither have the capacity ability nor the heart to be committed, to either her or themselves, and I Refuse to let and believe that twelve acres of land can pass on the river of life for so cheap a song. Even if family members planted obeah to destroy my forward movement and success. The famous Africans say, what put to kill is what put to heal. Selah. I shall plant till the earth becomes pregnant with glad light and tidings. I still dream a dream of the impossible, and that the universe will rise up to meet my greatest intention and thus fulfilling a consciousness of fullness, providence, abundance and alignment
And so I shall live there, welcoming you all to a place of retreat, cleansing, reiki, food, rest and all good substance to steel your mind and reassure your heart, that Upful is something representative of preeminence in all our individual lives. This is what my attempt to own, claim and operate D’Ruin San Rafael is to me. My current consciousness.
If you want to help me in this effort, please email me at [mmladyh@gmail.com]
Sunday's Revelations
I think it is possible that Chase in fact may have played a bigger role in his people planting iniquity against me, like he may have known; and like, he agreed, and like, he is in partnership to thwart me, my effect and influence...this new depth of understanding...
"i am struggling to swallow a revelation
for my own doubt of my truth as i see it, doubt of my perspective on observations; doubt to condemn others, but in truth i am left with nothing else:
that pigs never stop being swine
that it is the haters behind you in path, journey, competence, affect and effect who try in futility to obstruct you. the ones who themselves can do nothing have done nothing their whole lives. thirty years sitting on a resource, the most valuable of all, but despised and ignored. but only when i or one such as me, picks it up and it starts to shine, they plant their iniquity for failure -to foil any good thing that evolves
but they could not have wrought their evil without participation. and any time anyone attempts or can do you harm in the presence of someone you call friend, partner or lover, if they make it far, even if to enter, far less to exact, that person, the third party is your enemy; to say not friend is far too subliminal.
that i have to accept the extent to which i was drawn, set up and configured - used, dismantled and dismissed =--and ultimately, something bad cannot be made good. it is the rule of sunk costs..you just waste more money and energy in trying to turn evil and ugly into something still valuable...
the extent to which people are deceitful and the completeness of their sociopsychopathology...that they be against you but dine, drink, lime and smile with you. but it is not real. almost as if people are in split personalities. schizophrenia, the sickness is abiding, neverending and deep
then you struggle with how to exact revenge, and you may not want to but just merely want to pick up your odds and ends, with dignity, a face still, and continue, leaving all traces behind...and the slow seeming impossibility of that prosopect...
i am coming to terms that perhaps 2013 cannot be redeemed
and certainly not San Rafael, and not by me
'it is how it is supposed to be'. gives me pause. really???
I am struggling with the possibility that some places and people are in fact so dark and evil, even their being-ness blocks the entry of light. they will predominate. in their presence, dark is not the absence of light but the insistence that light shall and will not be allowed.
yeah. that
people who are lost, losing, have a lifetime in that tradition, 'sucking salt' and they would prefer to lose again, cause they accustomed, rather than to even let it appear that anyone else, and certainly not the ones they jealous and envy, win or succeed, or elevate, come up on top. classic crab in the barrel. I not going to get it, so you shant either.
the people of the bottom, the bottom people, the barrel crabs
the bodily effects from our physical, mental and emotional experiences are real-- not being able to swallow, or your adams apple seemingly swollen, hurting to go down in the trigger mechanism...when things are hard to swallow...when you have no voice to overpower what is being directed...and the only power you have and salvation available is to change how you think about the situation...i struggle even on that... not sure how to accept, forgive, be gracious and compassionate with the muck i found myself associated
winnowing out truth is no easy business..
do we give up because of impotence or are those statements of spirit and limitations just proof of the former.
If it is the way it is supposed to be- when and how do you know you are to work to change anything? and what to change God help me discern the difference and serenity in the meanwhile
sigh"
i think of my niece last night, visiting my family cemetery for all saints night and to light candle and instead of her just going and observing and keeping to herself, she picks up a candle on an uncle's grave and brings it home with her, as a gift for me, not realizing the risk and danger of that...which i must correct for and take the candle outside after it stood lighting in the salon for a while...believing in its beauty all who looked upon it, me and my two nieces in particular, not knowing what it could have invisibly harboring...all but for my nieces innocence, pure heart, love and generosity toward me...
like that
how do you escape the costs, hurt and price for your purity and innocence amidst those less than?
Maven Huggins i think of my niece last night, visiting my family cemetery for all saints night and to light candle and instead of her just going and observing and keeping to herself, she picks up a candle on an uncle's grave and brings it home with her, as a gift for me, not realizing the risk and danger of that...which i must correct for and take the candle outside after it stood lighting in the salon for a while...believing in its beauty all who looked upon it, me and my two nieces in particular, not knowing what it could have invisibly harboring...all but for my nieces innocence, pure heart, love and generosity toward me...
like that
how do you escape the costs, hurt and price for your purity and innocence amidst those less than?
Brenda Jennifer Peart Her road aint your road... they are parallel yet have various conjunctions. Seems her purpose is to keep you on point!!!- Brenda Jennifer Peart Fi har road ah nuh fi you road... fi har guide ah nuh fi yuh guides... dem ah pickney come with nuf nuf Egun.. and dem is boosy... dem will test the spiritual limitations of their current Elders... we do have to remember that we in our walk did the same...
We were curious, had to TOUCH, SEE, SMELL.. you have to remember she is following suit... you are in an house Guru, Master Teacher, Educator... you are their foundation... but as all magicians know... their apprentices will experiment.. and it is at this time there may actually be new consequences that are beneficial to all.
Your Temple is guarded well... there will have to be perhaps a special place for their "finds" if it rankles your energies... yet know that who and what they are attract is in part of you teaching them and trust and believe.... dem nah bring no harm... bcs it wouldnt even mek it pon de road to de house... Your shield is wide....
It is a beautiful thing for a teacher to realize that the student "gets it"... the road is open... scary isnt it... mini U's!!! Bless you My Sista... may the work begin!!! Sala Malecun - Maven Huggins Sala Malecun. wonderful writing their Brenda!! thank you...that is better written than anything i imagined to understand...and best of all the reminder of my cover and shield...i did have to reassure her she was safe when she tried to get fretful, and then she just calmed and asked me, 'how you know about so much- about the spirits' and i just told her: 'you do too'/ she said : "i do?"
--------------------------------1:27 11.03.2013
clarity
the decision debbie spoke about months ago that i had to make, and in a short window of opportunity is here, been about me, this year. now. the decision is whether to fight the evil and darkness, the deadheads and stone hearts about me, in their peril at their pit, or whether to continue on my path of light and kindness, taking whatever iniquity done to me, and with grace and love, let it all glide, keeping my clean hands, heart and purity, having done no man or woman any harm, refusal or poverty
cloud atlas brings this clear
"we are each bound to others, past and future, and every crime or act of kindness is the birth of the future...
then the clouds and cloud atlas..to see the world as it is.the atlas that moves, morphs, shifts, flows and fluid and what you think you see in this moment of watching a cloud, in the next second vanishes, and then something else, another...so if you hold on to correct or change something, what then are you really doing? what evil ? what unnatural
and do you know that there is the saying in the film ;;" how do you know what to try to change or leave sacred, inviolable
the lessons and instructions are almost too much
------------------2:46pm Sund 11.03.2013
i was given and allowed the power to balance justice and measure recompense, once. in 2010
i realize the only time one really has that power is when you never have to ask anyone else to intervene, be involved or cater. we shall see if this time complies . we will let that be the decision rule for today. this november. this 2013
----------------5:34pm
the only thing i have to console myself with is that " for the human species, selfishness is extinction.”, and so i hope for the swiftness of karma to beasts and peasants who are predators, takers and users.
what role or function does egregiousness perform?
“Lying's wrong, but when the world spins backwards, a small wrong may be a big right.”
“If losers can exploit what their adversaries teach them, yes, losers can become winners in the long term.”
“So winners, Hae-Joo proposed, are the real losers because they learn nothing? What, then, are losers? Winners?”
#cloudatlas
--------------------tues 11.05
http://www.washingtonpost.com/national/health-science/a-womans-success-damages-a-male-partners-ego-says-a-new-study/2013/11/04/c88f227e-3c27-11e3-a94f-b58017bfee6c_story.html
~~
From your post, I can tell we are kindred spirits. While there can be light within the land, the true light is within you. You are the carrier of that light by recognizing your own inner "lightness" of being, remaining true to your self, and pursue your dreams without attachment to others. Be discerning, embrace without clinging, always remember your path. My heart and thoughts are with you during this period of introspection and growth.
ReplyDelete<3
DeleteBless you and thank you 9anda1f