good morning:
{the call for the day: Self Confessions or Negative Self Confessions}
have i been unfair to you?
have i held a price or cost to you but given far more to another for nothing or much less than what i charge you for? and in your face, apparent?
have i lied to you? have i manipulated you? have i schemed against you to enrich myself, take what you have for my benefit? did i then turn around and deny you anything> whatever i could have done to allow you to pass through unimpeded?
have i resented you? have I resented the gifts you bring? have i resented your blessings? do i feel you are too lucky so if there is a small innocuous thing that you are getting if i hear any good of it at all, do i resent you getting/? and getting all? of that very small thing? that i get every day and seven times on sunday even if i wanted to? am i that ugly to you?
have i planted obeah against you? seeing how talented and skilled your hands? your abilities that surpass all I have seen in my meagre life?
have i hurt you? have i given gifts thinking i am helping you? but then withhold something else that is far more nourishing and enabling?
have i taken you for granted?
do I take liberties about your body and self? do i touch you unbidden?
do I take the audacity to touch you in places I shouldnt? your butt a good place to example? do i exercise my privilege on your personal space? even when I call us friends? do I betray that word when i have ulterior motives? when I want you for my own self, purposes, in my own defined confines of spaces?
do i bristtle at your entitlement? do i get sharp and play devil's advocate when i hear your unrepressed spirit to pursue what ever your soul guides you to?
do i think even if I never say it, "who is you?" "why are you special?" "why are you different?" "why should your suffering and sorrows end when all of us are so entrapped and sucking salt?"
have i harbored unfriendly, soul stripping, personhood defiling thoughts about you?
have i sabotaged you in anyway
have i been unkind while i parade as kind personified to the outside world?
=---------------------
after yesterday i feel i want to be more positive, less abrasive, less aggressive, less confrontational. but then i remember I am in babylon. in its belly really, the depth and bottom of all it can give...whatever worse is possible, the belly is where you will see it first, at its raw and most unrefined. then i thought why... why would i be placed here having been and travailed in the most sanitized of places like the silent monied american and academic midwest. i suppose for sanitation purposes, after there would be switzerland/sweden.. but it made me imagine and think..i wish i could appear before the council and ask, so they can tell me how to be in the jungle amidst all the animals and natives to make it well with my being and theirs. and that also serves the purpose and complete the mission for which the council sent me. and i write council this morning and think they are always all about me. can you peer deep into the picture on the wall that is attached? instead of bashing then, i posed questions of the ways in which people strip your soul and dont even know it. the ways people show you at the core and by their belly who they really are. i see all the times in a variety of ways people when they see who you are and what you have believe it is their purpose to rape it or you. if you are more than them, they feel it is their right to take what they can. i have had this happened by landladies, to men who want you to boyfriends who tried to play you. seen it in work offices where people feel you are above them so they will withhold friendship. people who have amazing houses sitting idle and empty. they would prefer that than let it be lived in lovingly.. yesterday i got to see how money is not everything and there will and is coming a time when it will mean nothing and i want to see all those people who dscern life via paper, i want to see what they will eat then how they wlll survive. i wrote a post the other day about the myriad confusions concerning land...and all of it relates to people who have it yet it is fallow, growing nothing..i have this weird sense that those folk like so about and around me will be coming to me in the future. and if not that, i will see them scrambling just as i am observing now.. i literally have friends on here who in other places are trying to make and create other systems of value using other that fiat money, paper we use now. barter is the thing. but it is hard to barter with people who at their belly tell themselves and seep to you how unworthy they think you. meanwhile it is you dancing to and fro, freely with the bank of life.
yesterday, i saw me ushered into a community, effortlessly where someone else has wished they could be for years. situations like that make the lessers resentful
something so.
but read the questions to yourself. i get the sense it can be real valuable.
like prayers, psalms or exhortations? maybe it can get us to a place pure.
(there is that word again)
but those questions seem to me now having written them, like a vacuum cleaner in the soul, to each person.
Selah Saturday/
Good Journeying
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