I have lived the unimaginable again and again
I was born unimaginable in ways i can not extend
Starting with two valid birth certificates
one of my mother's maiden and family name
the other of my father
and so i have been in between and inbetwixt
and so i have been in between and inbetwixt
belonging to no one
proven and shown until now
2014
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the collective of our similar experiences
i am not the only one frustrated and spurned by family
my cousin Jerry tells me how he wanted to open up an aquaponics system in the 80s mind you on his father's land in wallerfield and he denied him. the language he used was selfishness, envy and jealousy. when i asked if that land is still there and what is being done with it, he says it is still there and languishing.
then both anthony and jerry tried to work with their uncle steve and ended up in conflict and blowouts - ideas unreceived, options and opportunities denied. so now we have a failed business man and one who lost everything before his death. jerry;s words./language
and i listened to those stories on saturday and thought to myself something is wrong with these mother fuckers. their parents and the elders and parents of my stories.
then makemba told me last night it was known or at least he got wind that steve was not so great a businessman. i asked where did that view come from he said from someone who tried to do business with him. well. the proof is in the pudding and laundry always washes out in the end.
someone asked me last night 'if i contribute to the household" and i responded when I have. i shared the story with makemba because it was the first time it struck me in all these years, that when asked that question, how can i tell other people that my attempts to contribute were spurned. but makemba cut me off and said, how can you contribute if you not wukking no where' but i still persisted even though true to indicate how unexpected unbelievable and alter my story.
when i was making $15K a month, I gave $2K a month to a household of two women, and a paid for house. my father thought it was too much
then when I was making $21K a month, I offered to pay for everything my mom wanted to do in the house to fix it up, maintain, improve, finish her patio, her landscaping whatever. incidentally, i suggested we go to the same steve since he had a construction company. both ideas were spurned. my money was not taken. , not accepted, not in parts or total. and no we not going by steve. if this is not an attempt of a sizable and big contribution i dont know what is
then when my money threatened to vanish, if i keep picking at it little by little to live, i thought and proposed to build a highrise compact apartment in the back. i designed it. it would have kept use of our back yard to hang clothes and children play. over the concrete side is where I would have built up to twelve feet under house high or more. under the fruit trees i would have built a deck patio to the grassy area...the first floor would have been a huge open space with sliding doors on an L shape and huge windows with push out jalousies. kitchen, gallery living room and patio. then the second level would have been the bedroom and bathroom. with a climb to a roof top to lime and oversee the city, neighborhood. I would have rented it to professional women like myself who rented...and where there is a shortage. the way our land was set up it was a straight cat walk from the curb to the back and so there would have been minimal interference with tenant to our house. that was spurned.
but now they get to say and talk that "i dont contribute"
are their words for that kind of subversion, passive aggressive, deceit and treachery?
Cause I dont think so
even when i had no money...contribution means, i could cook, clean the house, manage affairs, relieve the elders of that role, right..do the gardening...but ah...what is the call and concern then.? I am controlling! i want to take over!
it was clear to me that i was seen as a threat and had been treated as such for years before I even discerned it.
my cleaning was called obsessive and ocd. it wasnt. It was just different.
different like i dont use the scrubbing brush in the laundry room used to scrub tires and the bathroom to scrub provision going in a pot.
no one would ever believe my story and that is what i posed to my friend makemba...how can i defend myself against such unknown madness. who would believe such stories
#bloodishateful
when they out to destroy you
two things have saved me in the recent weeks
a neighbor down the street who lived here/there since the time of my grandfather and knows him to his daughter...and has been wondering "how I managing" and the first time he mentioned it i just glanced it over not offering eye twitch, mum or word. the second time he told me his own experience and story and told me she is a 'manipulator' and i never ever thought of that word but that is exactly what she has been doing...i was the golden girl and so she has sown seeds to everyone that i am such a demon, that i do xyz but it has all been the madness and bad behavior one exhibits under the assault of unforeseen shocking surprising forces from within..and then not so much.
i remember the one thing I heard a lot was that I was controlling and it was surprising to me because my only one mission is just to live my life. i so dont bother with other people and what they doing but it was after a while and several shouting matches that i realized what was going on: projection number one and the fact that it was she, they and them who was trying to control me. that was the building block problem right there. and the first control was their anger at me not suing my father, whom they hate with a passion more than me. that is the third problem or first, however you look at it. i am carl huggins' daughter. the man they hate with the globe of hatefulness. the man they will say destroyed their sister.
and then jerry..jerry said something so profound and insightful indicating a skill i dont have...he said he has been around so long and been around so many different characters he can identify peoples energy intent and vibration effortlessly and that these two women never had him fooled. that they were cold and had an aire that they were better than them. and all the aunties hug in a bear grip and embrace but not and never them... and i listened...and realized wow. the other thing people do is when they feel inferior they often appear to treat others as such...and that is what i was hearing...there is such a package of dynamics. i thought of it while I slept last night...the map to understand and delineate the mind, dysfunctional dynamics of people's motivations is often nonexistent. but we have to contend with it anyway.
it has been a long haul
this is what has been destroyed in the fire
I realize i can do installments of destruction by fire, 2014
family is one. career and professionalism is two. male relationships is three
the one thing still standing and struggling to do so by fingernails is the creative ideas of self determination that sprout up like dandelions...persistent!
selah.
i constantly write my testimony!
now imagine if all this occurs with the one person who is to be the matriarch of a family
the one person who was your sole female example from a child into adulthood
have you any idea of the heartache?
but i been here before
the first time with my father
also someone i would never have conceived a certain set of experiences was ever possible
human demons will surprise you
strap on and be ready
to fly aloft away off the cliff in a wing suit
be prepared for the day when the only thing you can do is take it day by day, hour to hour. it is a kind and form of vagrancy.
or spirituality
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