dear cam newton...\\
such a perfect meme for my thoughts..i am understanding some new revelations...things i have heard and intellectually nodded in agreement, but only now is it soaked in to the sinew of my being:
being brilliant and genius is one of the hardest things to be in this world, probably the most, depending on one's environment, community, family, country, culture...
i was given to consider earlier today what it really means when little black boys are 'forced' to be dunce, and cool, instead of being the bright bulbs and genius children they are inherently...cause the burden to be and of sense, insight, intuitive, feeling in a sea of beasts and demons is quite frankly impossible. we have all heard that right...boys who are compelled to eschew the books: 'it is not cool to be smart'. we grew up hearing of that experience and reality for them. but have we ever done anything about it. all the mentoring and support programs do they teach people how to survive and thrive being 'different as smart, brilliant, capable and genius when you are completely surrounded by the opposite' where you going with that? i think perhaps just perhaps all the schizophrenia and other mental illness occurring in our communities might be sourced in that schism , that struggle. those who eventually choose to be criminal for what else do those choices lead to? or being useless, as apparent as we class the boys unemployed, unschooled, loiterers.
i write about the boys but this is a reality for girls too, and women.
i write about it all the time but i am constantly stunned to see the response of fragile men who are shown up or feel they have been embarrassed or to ward off such feels as inferiority or incompetence, cuss, call all kinds of cunts, to be offensive, abusive is the response. they know nothing else. al men mostly here in this trinidad. the various means people shut down others they cannot contend with. we see it all over. talk about someone's sexuality, their legitimacy, ...charge them as mad. unstable even
what brought this on?
a surprising exchange and conversation with a friend two days ago, i have been trying to process it. then this morning i shared it with another male friend. then another conversation i had with a buddy in the neighborhood.
in all three instances, they were telling me of their views, revelations, experiences of things I rail and rant about, was denied even by them, only for them to come and validate what i saw, giving me quiet silent confirmation , proving my vision is right on specs. and in a few instances I had to ask two of them "are you hearing yourself?"
the biggest one of all was the one who is most middle class, from money, who i had asked me to help sell my car months ago. someone pulled up with a newer model to my car. he said I wonder how much he selling it for...it had a for sale car in the window. I asked the gentleman, an indian male. he says to me "i dont know, i borrow the car". meanwhile, the owner of the establishment another indian male saw from his cameras the car, and the sign, to my astonishment and i was told of his high res system...comes to ask himself* the other indian male, the same question, in front of my male friend. and the man proceeds to answer him: $150K. i was not there. so i return for my friend to pull me away , telling me, come let me tell you this but i dont want you to get mad...i am puzzled . only for him to regale me the story. i laughed. i said to him, you shocked about that?
That is my life. being black, and female. I am just a nigger nobody. no respect, no regard. he would never think i have money for his car. he would never believe i driving the same thing and is no man, husband, lover, father buy it for me as everyone surmised through seeing me with the vehicle. I had to tell him "why you think i asked you to help me sell the car?" is that level of treatment I getting right through. Why you think the car in the condition it is in? cause of fuckers fucking me up right through. as a black nigger woman. the fact that i can land here, and know these truths, and this black male living here and clueless stuns me, even though I knew and saw this dynamic of ignorance, chosen, feigned or created as dissonance to survive. I even told him, listen we have had conversations where I just stop engaging to avoid conflict because even you have denied things I tried to tell you, and you think i am ignorant and your knowing is right and more valid. and here it is, you getting surprised in 2016 to see how an indian man denied me truth, access, engagement.
"he never saw before; that never happened to him before"
and this is small pennyanny bullshit, nothing outstanding. but the burden and pressure to know and see things that others either dont see, choose to be silent on, or only whisper in the ears of others, is a painful thing, when you are on the front lines making it plain and public, bearing the brunt of doing so, with neither company, protection or support, and in fact, really a beat down for daring. only for them to eventually prove you were right.
that. my dear, is a hard ass thing to bear.
how do the wretched of the earth?
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