Lenin once said: “There are decades where nothing happens, and there are weeks where decades happen.” Except in this case, the time frame was hours, not weeks.
the universe and us humans in it are truly full of marvelous contortions and changes. just like that, my sleeping pattern seems to have changed. I am back to sleeping consistently through the night, full eight, nine hours. and i have no understanding as to how or why.
in the last few weeks, i have had some interesting experiences around relationships and friendships.
i saw my father's wife, nine years younger than me, and her youngest daughter in pennywise, i was bemused, i did not speak to them. they were without their hijabs which was peculiar enough, but years ago like in 2008, my father forbade that same daughter, who was coming on a school trip to movietowne, and i told her when she gets here, call me and I will come see her. He told her if she contacted me she would not be allowed to go. I stopped going to visit him. I tried maintaining contact with the mother by phone post that incident but we eventually fell off since it was clear that he forbade all of them to talk to me. such was the fear my father had of me, and i guess in his mind, infiltrating his nest with my mother's side of the family
then my girlfriend who i had been communicating with on my pending life changes, she tells me she was going to tell an old associate of us to come and check me while he visited for a week here. He is the brother of a sister within a group circle when we were in grad school. she reminded me she thought that we would have connected , but didnt the first time she tried , and she could even remember the incident something about mosquitoes and a/c. meanwhile, i dont even remember meeting the man. but what struck me was two things; why mention it if you are not going to do it, and who remembers such bs. and third, and this is what i wrote her, what does twenty years ago have to do with 2016. these are the dynamics that make you wonder about people, about their deepest intentions and vibrations. and my life is so bereft of outside and inspiring stimuli, i see it as her withholding from me. and this is the movements of 'friend'. i wonder. but it also makes me wonder about me. am i really so fine tuned, highly strung, so specific, so meticulous, or am i just aware and see the myriad ways folk sabotage each other under many guises...and names, of love and camaraderie ?
then the situation with my niece, who despite her age, I did consider her my friend, and my closest friend, and me likewise to her. it helped that a seer woman told me years ago that we knew each other in a past life when/where we were friends. our natural and instinctive closeness and similarities made it easy to believe. she is the most honest with me or used to be. well last week, she did some shit in the house, stole all the okra from a pot of stewed turkey my mother cooked, and listen to the convoluted story...my mother without asking anyone in the house about the okra, assumed i ate them all, when i dont do that, strip a pot of its ingredients, and when I was the last one to eat, and i am telling my mother , listening incredulously to her story, that I just ate, saw no okra, had no okra, and i swear to you she looking at me and kept on repeating her story, totally disbelieving me. and I felt crazy and felt so. so hear the story...it is my aunt who comes to tell maya, "see what you are causing" just the day before, my mother, the same one blaming me for tiefing okra, cooked and fried okra for maya and her sister the day before, and that never occurred to her as to the solution to the mystery. and it was only my aunt who indicated this is the treachery of maya, but it all dawned on me over time...and i have been silent about it, in shock actually...that maya, my friend, saw me being excoriated and never admitted her deed, came to my defense. well listen to the plot twist, when my mother and aunt tried to blame maya, i went to her defense. the child thin like a rail cause she has been allowed to be a picky eater, and what picky eater likes okra, and it was not in my knowledge frame that she would go in a pot, and worse yet, strip it of its contents. but then i heard she raids pigtail from pots as well. so despite all that history, my mother focused on me. is that not stunning? now mind you i say mother, but this is my aunt eh, my deceased mother's oldest sister. my godmother and the woman whom i had the closest relationship through my life. i dont need to tell you i have no relationship with her now. the sabotage, hate and resentment i have endured here has been phenomenal. and it all goes back to them hating my father, and them pissed to the devil that i did not sue, or pursue my inheritance from my parents, or father, after my mother's death. and they resentful that I am living in the land I was born to their parents, my grandparents. it is them child i am, no one else, not even the womb who bore me. but this story was to tell you and show you the treachery of 'friends' . the height of deceit. the ugliness of character. from the aged to the young. relationships and friendships. anyway, maya, once caught and identified began to get rude and cussed, yes, this thirteen year old, I was shocked stunned i tell you. i tried to tell her to hush as she was really cussing her grandmother. she refused, I ended up slapping her. she persisted. i slapped her again. you know this trick tried to start fighting me. if her grandmother was not there, I have no idea what that would have come to but i was never enraged or in a mode where i would have torn her to pieces, but i was stunned. then i got on the phone and reported to her mother, marjorie, maya;s grandmother had no intention to tell the mother, and hence why we have this madness going on...but it appears they have been off the rails for years, but i in my own corner, had no clue. it was only that day that i learned my youngest aunt was going to tell her niece to make other arrangements because the girls are out of control and stressing marjorie.. but i have derailed a bit but will close by saying this happened cause this nest of women, and an absent father, allowed these girls to rule, and even excoriated me for being too stern, and demanding of them from the time they were born. so now they reaping. but i was stunned to see the behavior of one who i considered my friend. to allow me to be steam rolled, stand by watch everything and never stopped the persecution. that is deep to me. what kind of sociopath is being developed there. and others may find this an extreme analysis. i dont. i would be sure to hear the cries at the end of the circuit though/
then the other thing that happened in the friend or not zone in the last week...someone i considered a friend, who i have had no dealing with for decades, wrote something to me so sordid, out of my character, kind of doing the same thing my mother does...of having a total lack of faith and trust in me for no reason at all. i dont know if it is of projection, internal ugliness, deep misunderstanding they harbor of others who are not like them...i dont know what. i cant explain it, laid a prospect on my feet so far out of my realm of possibilities and in direct contradiction to discussions. it is like this. If I offered you a gold bracelet, you accept it, and then they retracted and on top of that, tried to say you stole the bracelet. like that.
then too, i was stunned. I swear i have had experiences in the last few weeks that make me feel if i am in the insane asylum. totally apoplexed by the behaviors of nothing but irrationality, treachery, subtle sabotage.
and i am just left looking at my hands, trying to read, what is this all about? what are the messages here, how to make sense , logical, rational, mature and functional sense of all this insanity. and I am stumped. but one thing I wont do, is to presume blame and say, well if all this happening to me, i must be the problem. no. yeah. I am the problem cause i see all these characters.
which is funny. i woke up today realizing that my sleep patterns have changed. I sleep consistently through the night, straight hours of seven to nine...but this morning, i woke up and i swear i felt my eyesight was brighter, wider spectrum. i felt my small chinese eyes were bright with pupil view. it was weird.
i see it all. i see them all. what saddens me is that there really is no escape or means to elude .
all the universe that has happened in my life, in a mere week or two
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