Excuse Me, The Egg

cedric. i am not gonna do this. i am not gonna keep repeating myself. I am not gonna keep clarifying myself. I am not gonna keep explaining myself. what i will do is just say, ok.

especially since you are not asking me questions but telling me what you find. so fine. that works.

I am not coming in conflict. well i wasnt. but when people push back and talk their peace especially being a woman it is problematic.

i did not ask you to walk away from the academy.

and what i did say was let me stay in my lane.

Amnd for you to mention pushing back my travel after all of this is real real real deep/ it is not pure. It is not of good character.

I have no conflict with you cause I have nothing with you. the only conflict might be all the promises made were not real and not available.

But for you to even remove from me the opportunity to just travel, cross sea, come over there and just air out, is kind of ugly.

because as you stated, I not coming there to do nothing, not cook for you or your boys, not take care of them. I was just coming to read books, vegetate and see what I might do.

today hearing that you want to take debt indicated to me, that your talk of all these months are neither practical or happening any time soon, and I as good with that. I was and been put on a different wavelength when you sent me that memo of all what I need not do.

now let me tell you this. what information you found to day is the income for local trinidadians. NOT THE INCOME THEY PAY FOREIGNERS. get it now.

i gt sick of being doubted, checked on by people who dont know half of what I do

I dont nor expected you to be babysitting me at any time in this process.

I expected as you mentioned, to be in a house by myself for two months as you offered to provide for food, and housing.

Why do you think I wrote to get a suitcase of clothes there? So i would not have to expect or rely on y ou to buy me things as promised.

Your response is incredibly selfish/

self centered of no concern or mind to any side except yours but it was your offer to extend , pretned or rescind/

And you are not even discussing this but instructing. so my dear, it is better always for one to have their own.

Thanks for the egg on my face. It will be interesting tomorrow at my farewell party

bows.

I should laugh. welcome to my life i should tell myself. the endless troll of people who show up offering the world only for it to be a 'psyche'/./ and then you want to write me about TRUST> are you for real. ahahahaaa.. love it. this is better than satire and Irony

yes. i am told I am a mirror. and your life is a shamble/ just like mine. and you were and are in no position to do half the things you presented. and i see it over and over and over again.

And those times were the BAM>

down to you not knowing when your lease was up/

i am being tested though. I used to say i am not easily shamed or embarrassed. I see now your callousness is boundless. and i shall have to find a way to continue on after calling people. saying goodbye, Emptying the last of my money in my accounts, spending it freely these days..

But , so it is/

what is it you said about chips on shoulder? thanks for adding a few more inches and pounds. dealing with...oh what was it you wrote me once, "i am not like the trini men and people as you have encountered"

well you couldnt be more trini if you had a trini passport.

=================

what was it that my friends knew that i did not?
they kept on saying, "i waiting to see if she will leave"
they seemed to have known i was not going anywhere
and kept on saying it.

two days before

Attitude is Self Gratitude

Gerry Anthony

"They say that it's not about what you do but how you do it and not about what you say but about how you say it. It sometimes seems also like a matter of not what is said, but who is saying it. I can tell you that it is sometimes very hard to see that truth manifest itself in the way that I would sometimes, I guess, 'try' to explain certain concepts to persons against much objections and disapproval on their part. Then at some point later I would see the same persons lauding similar or the same concepts, except then it is expressed in more "sophisticated" language by some presumably more qualified or recognized individual. Maybe it is not so much about the concept and idea but refinement of expression."


{well. you could have stopped at who is saying it. I came to that insight and conclusion yesterday after the last of a few persons telling me about "my attitude" but when i study the thing I had to ask myself, what is an attitude, what is the attitude they speak of, and when I see instances, they are all the same: me refusing to let other people treat and address and construct me according to their will and interest, me standing up for myself, me being a woman and having the gall to do that against men who step out first step trying to belittle or best me (as it relates to my vehicle), it also means going head to head with folk who would beat and gain an upper hand to control or manipulate you. apart and separate from all of that is an unspoken dynamic too...what is normal for men is unacceptable for women, so like i am supposed to have an attitude of gratitude and 'take what ever you can get', my back not supposed to be too straight, nor my nose...anyway, what i am saying ...is that "who" is very much predominate. but i understand all of what you say otherwise, just giving another spin and perspective on the same story. i guess in my refinement it is to be sugar and honey and smile and charm my way away from the bullshit people try to shovel but in my case, my face straight as a pin and convo short short.}

i am posting this cause so much is on my mind and a good part of it relates to this:: who you are and who and how people will allow or not, you to be.

twelve days left and still revelations of this place reveal themselves. that ever lined onion.

so yesterday i learned that someone i considered a cool associate had been talking to me for weeks and i have known her for over a year, but last week on a lime is telling someone else not to have her sit next to me on a lime. this woman just turned fifty last tuesday. is the mother of three children. and all the weeks prior to last was asking me repeatedly if i was coming to her birthday party. i now wonder as i write, is she, might she not be one of those people who i tell you have mental illness for sport, schizophrenic, bipolar or something else additionally, it so makes no sense.

then i wonder what kind of trini obeah woman i am when a crapaud appears at my door and I neither am afraid, nor does it ever occurred to me that it could be a bad omen or someone sent anything for me, nor do i consider throwing salt on it. instead, i come inside cool and calm, leave it at the landing. and research the meaning for bullfrogs, crapauds, and the numerology...see it is all good and blessings and a flood of good tidings to come, and recognize its number play whed the six pm call the evening prior and its number opposite and total played that day at the afternoon and evening. i tried to get friends to play cause I dont, and well, no one did/ only for weeks later for trinis to tell me that is a bad sign/ and i wonder if that is the power of a true blue unversal obeah woman her tools and kriptonite are not of this world and certainly not of the natural creatures and measures that emanate from her hand. kind of sending bush poison for Osein, it aint possible. he growing, planting and tending the very same. but i find that intriguing

but it made me pray this morning and pump up my hedge and flyback tools and capacities.

and for the first time I thought i need a spirit guide to process and interpret the movie that plays in my brain when i close my eyes. or the constant depiction of faces, endless. or the scenes of images, or like today, the morphing of animals, behind my eyes. effortlessly. I dont know what that is. I want to know what that is. I want to know someone else that happens to/ the first and recent explanation I came up with was actually given to me when chase said i am walking with all the beings i have ever incarnated to.. it was after one of his channelings after we bathed in the river. it seemed sensible and resonated with us both. but now. i have a heightened need to explain it further, especially as the scenes are evolving. and this is what appears in my art and paintings, when they are abstract.. endless faces. that i did not put there.

but i digressed before i finished a point. i think i wake up realizing how untrustworthy everybody is , even when they dont mean to be. like my closest girlfriend telling me 'she dont think i am leaving to go anywhere' and i just looked at her and listened and wondered what could be appearing to her for her to say that? even as i have ticket in hand. but it shows you how people can be undermining when they dont mean to be, but that plenty people are and are in fact malicious

like yesterday, another friend, brought a mechanic whom she has know for months to see my car two weekends ago. yesterday she approaches me and tells me about my attitude. that the man was offering to fix my car and then sell it and give me some change. and I was looking at her stunned. she is a drunk, so i was taking it in stride, but i was shocked. and wondered and asked her how we could have such a divergent view of an interaction. and then i asked her if i was mistaken why did she not tell me what he was offering. but the man offered no such thing. never. and why would someone do that a month before I am to leave. you really think a mechanic is going to stop all other work, make my car priority and dispense with it? you see a scam when you hear one. that was for him to take my car, i have to flyout and they keep my car, and use it and make money off of it as will. but folk will get mad as hell when you foil their schemes. Now i wracking my brain wondering how she could see things as she had, and is only when things dont add up you realize folk had plans for you. she supposed to be a friend. I wonder what she was getting out of it? But then turns around to tell me how she had to beg the mechanic to come and take her daughter's car. I said why you had to beg? She said cause neither she nor the daughter has money. And that is when I look at her and asked her so why you feel this man would have fixed my car for free? She had no answer. jumped up in a fit and say talk done. I know why he would do it, cause I done pass through a paul wau han or what ever he name is...it was a scheme to get your car and make money and I learned from the first smart man, that is a mechanic's tool of trade. i have no idea why i am so cool to let that vehicle sit down right there. did not want it to end up like that, but it served me well and beautifully and at the greatest of envy of other people which surprised me cause the car old as hell and as pedestrian of a quality you can get, but lord, people's eyes were green

so for all these things to be revealed to me in these final days here, smh

just stuns. then i have another friend, a male, and not just him, my cousin too...that story i hear people in trini talk about of males willing to take women around and women using men for transportation. i have written about it once before. I have never had that privilege, luxury or service. and even when I ask folk who are supposed to be tight with me, it is never possible. and I am like. turning to look at myself and ask, you have friends here? you could have survived any more time here?

god bless the child who has got her own, and i always had my own

and these last eighteen months where I had less and less and no vehicle, i just adjusted and kept my narrow but growing ass in my neighborhood.

Resilient and Adjustable as much as folk like to tell me I am not a person who adjusts or have attitude. It is precisely because I survive so elegantly adjust immediately and know how to protect myself even in sheer ignorance that they call that attitude and i earn their intentional hatred

it just feels like there really is no barriers from madness to self well being. not a one.

My Life This Weekend July

 

Aquarius Horoscope for week of July 7, 2016

After an Illinois man's wife whacked him in the neck with a hatchet, he didn't hold a grudge. Just the opposite. Speaking from a hospital room while recovering from his life-threatening wound, Thomas Deas testified that he still loved his attacker, and hoped they could reconcile. Is this admirable or pathetic? I'll go with pathetic. Forgiving one's allies and loved ones for their mistakes is wise, but allowing and enabling their maliciousness and abuse should be taboo. Keep that standard in mind during the coming weeks, Aquarius. People close to you may engage in behavior that lacks full integrity. Be compassionate but tough-minded in your response.

 "You have no idea how WELL you are going to be taken care of, M. 23 OC Place, -------, .. will be your "launching pad"...your "idea playground"...who knows what you could "prototype" right in the back yard!! I'm one of your strongest supporters...and I believe in YOU!!"

"Yes, I own the structure. And yes, you and I shall give it life!!!"

"Can you stand it!!! Just over two weeks...and Jackson will have NO IDEA "The Owl has Landed"!!"

IdeaNation

Drag to Reposition Group Photo

so weird , as much as i watch and see the clock, in the last few days, i am forgetting the time I went to bed and then try to calculate it by fb stamps, but that is not information without error.

but, last night while i dreamed, two big things came out with me, one was lost. i dreamt of being a satiric one woman show, where the comedy is the biting truth I see. doing that in the south, nawlins maybe or in a dark countryside speakeasy. I wonder if they still have those as when i was in central - montgomery/tuskegee, alabama in the late 80s.

then much later into sleep, most recent, I had some business idea, and for the life of me, i cant remember it at all. but in the dream i went on to construct what would be necessary to make the idea come to life, and that is what i wake up with. some kind of idea nation. a place where unemployed males could consign themselves to do any number of changing tasks, working on projects, being the labor, hand and feet, brains for one innovation or another. a place where they come to make their ideas into manifestation, and they do it for each other, and the conveners of such a place. a place where you can build and write apps, test, and implement them, and also be a salvage yard of old, unused, and garbage machinery and cars for those who are still so inclined. see...my vehicle is what spurred this. a man was brought to see my vehicle yesterday, and he is the kind of male i detest engaging or even responding to. You see I have an internal radar for misogyny and obnoxious male over masculinity...and i sense it, i see it perhaps as energy, and vibration. people like that speak in very condescending forms, ask stupid questions because they think you are stupid, and overall try to undercut and undermine your position by elevating theirs by importance and heaviness. sometimes the contradictions in their comments to reality cues you in to their bullshit. but turns out this guy own one garage that does "everything" from engine, to drivetrain, to tires, to bodywork, to painting, and lord knows what else, if his "everything" is everything. well. he also purchases vehicles for customers because the person who brought him , bought a vehicle from him, he importing it for her. anyway, this man tried to tell us, of all his labors and worries should he take the car...the value, the discovery of unexpected problems, the bumper which he shakes...all reinforcing things I had told him bu that is the thing people do to try and cut you down and i dont even want to be bothered. If you gotta go through that, this aint the car for you. this vehicle is for one who is a collector, one who values old reliables, of a certain specific code of beauty and level of maintenance. the vehicle is meticulous, low mileage. and yet, the negro never had one good thing to say, not of the mileage, not of the condition of the interior or exterior. i hope he never comes back

but it got me thinking. I wish i could take my car to a garage like that. I have no idea why or how that place never was shown to me, supposedly he is in my neighborhood...but to take my vehicle to such a garage and tell them to rebuild it from drive frame up and out. everything rebuilt, recycled, refurbished and reapplied, when possible. and pay whatever that is.

so that is where i got the idea of that place. IdeaNation. a place that is my idea and creation, that i take the myriad ideas i conjure up to, and have the manpower to convert to reality. and them doing that for themselves. I am convinced it is a worthwhile model.

I had a friend tell me how it is I allow all these men and young boys in the neighborhood to be so idle, why I dont set up something for their productivity. well. this is such a thing.

but i think of me. I have so many ideas and neither a drop of money, no backing or support, nor the resources to make the products , problem solving happen.

this place could be a clean up site/ a recycling bay, for everything. and see what is made and explore to be made with the raw inputs.

but you see the thing is, these men and young males will be there working on these projects, not just as labor but as owners, they will own and benefit from their work and productions. you make a car from scrap, it is yours.. just written and cataloged under a roster of productivity of the Foundation...

anyway, I am getting into unnecessary detail.

Learie Hercules, does this make any sense to you.

I know i write about mechanics, but there is also technology, but what i see is that the males are into a range of things not just technology. there are a whole bunch of men who are still into doing the old hand work of building, ironworks, woodworking, mechanics, etc.

also, a big part of this IdeaNation is to create enabling for the innovator. To build walls around their work, ideas, their process and productivity, to keep the negativity and retardation away from them. to create a bubble so to speak where they can move forward freely.

I think how almost a year ago I tried to partner with Ashesi University, look it does not even tag up, i think the wife of the creator must be managing social media because the level blockage and guard as well as nonresponses to my submissions... and yes specific things here on fb make me to think it is a personal dynamic...

The means by which this can work would be an endowment, corporate gifts in the millions that are neither small, nor one-offs, but annually, and not something we must go cap in hand for but an annual line item that is never questioned, parsed or stopped.

I think i am on to a model: revised, renewed, returned, expanded.

One of the collective. One of the eschewing of money. We are going to get to a time when money becomes obsolete. And we will be forced to navigate, purchase and agree on the value of things to exchange, work together and build. It is what Roderick means when he says I am here to teach a new approach, a new way of life..

The question i have is how long will it take to get into that mode. How long will we have to wait for the human beings to take this forward. current ones being so unbelievably crass, obnoxious and selfish about money, means, resources. this gloating attitude of I have and you dont and your not having makes me that much elevated. ..that specie...is holding this back. but the contradiction is that the need, the raw inputs and the unemployed males and labor all exist already, now , and languishing.

i will pick this up again, soon, I am sure

Conscious Creative Collective 99

You know too...writing about this this morning, made me realize what 'legacy' is and is not. i ask myself what is the benefit of a free education, so called, when it does not make you independent of systems, limitations, gates and guards? what is the benefit of that education when we have almost all those people unemployed in a system? what have you really done if you have not built an enabling environment for entrepreneurship, productivity, future creation, etc. etc...or dismantled all the structures that keep a population and a nation retarded? where is the innovation of education? when in that free education the material is the same as was thought as fifty years ago, well, one tweak, it has less material.? I shant go on. if you keep building old structures and means you arent doing us any favors. none.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/CCCollective99/

ImMorality Reports

 

 

 

Lenin once said: “There are decades where nothing happens, and there are weeks where decades happen.” Except in this case, the time frame was hours, not weeks.

the universe and us humans in it are truly full of marvelous contortions and changes. just like that, my sleeping pattern seems to have changed. I am back to sleeping consistently through the night, full eight, nine hours. and i have no understanding as to how or why.

in the last few weeks, i have had some interesting experiences around relationships and friendships.

i saw my father's wife, nine years younger than me, and her youngest daughter in pennywise, i was bemused, i did not speak to them. they were without their hijabs which was peculiar enough, but years ago like in 2008, my father forbade that same daughter, who was coming on a school trip to movietowne, and i told her when she gets here, call me and I will come see her. He told her if she contacted me she would not be allowed to go. I stopped going to visit him. I tried maintaining contact with the mother by phone post that incident but we eventually fell off since it was clear that he forbade all of them to talk to me. such was the fear my father had of me, and i guess in his mind, infiltrating his nest with my mother's side of the family

then my girlfriend who i had been communicating with on my pending life changes, she tells me she was going to tell an old associate of us to come and check me while he visited for a week here. He is the brother of a sister within a group circle when we were in grad school. she reminded me she thought that we would have connected , but didnt the first time she tried , and she could even remember the incident something about mosquitoes and a/c. meanwhile, i dont even remember meeting the man. but what struck me was two things; why mention it if you are not going to do it, and who remembers such bs. and third, and this is what i wrote her, what does twenty years ago have to do with 2016. these are the dynamics that make you wonder about people, about their deepest intentions and vibrations. and my life is so bereft of outside and inspiring stimuli, i see it as her withholding from me. and this is the movements of 'friend'. i wonder. but it also makes me wonder about me. am i really so fine tuned, highly strung, so specific, so meticulous, or am i just aware and see the myriad ways folk sabotage each other under many guises...and names, of love and camaraderie ?

then the situation with my niece, who despite her age, I did consider her my friend, and my closest friend, and me likewise to her. it helped that a seer woman told me years ago that we knew each other in a past life when/where we were friends. our natural and instinctive closeness and similarities made it easy to believe. she is the most honest with me or used to be. well last week, she did some shit in the house, stole all the okra from a pot of stewed turkey my mother cooked, and listen to the convoluted story...my mother without asking anyone in the house about the okra, assumed i ate them all, when i dont do that, strip a pot of its ingredients, and when I was the last one to eat, and i am telling my mother , listening incredulously to her story, that I just ate, saw no okra, had no okra, and i swear to you she looking at me and kept on repeating her story, totally disbelieving me. and I felt crazy and felt so. so hear the story...it is my aunt who comes to tell maya, "see what you are causing" just the day before, my mother, the same one blaming me for tiefing okra, cooked and fried okra for maya and her sister the day before, and that never occurred to her as to the solution to the mystery. and it was only my aunt who indicated this is the treachery of maya, but it all dawned on me over time...and i have been silent about it, in shock actually...that maya, my friend, saw me being excoriated and never admitted her deed, came to my defense. well listen to the plot twist, when my mother and aunt tried to blame maya, i went to her defense. the child thin like a rail cause she has been allowed to be a picky eater, and what picky eater likes okra, and it was not in my knowledge frame that she would go in a pot, and worse yet, strip it of its contents. but then i heard she raids pigtail from pots as well. so despite all that history, my mother focused on me. is that not stunning? now mind you i say mother, but this is my aunt eh, my deceased mother's oldest sister. my godmother and the woman whom i had the closest relationship through my life. i dont need to tell you i have no relationship with her now. the sabotage, hate and resentment i have endured here has been phenomenal. and it all goes back to them hating my father, and them pissed to the devil that i did not sue, or pursue my inheritance from my parents, or father, after my mother's death. and they resentful that I am living in the land I was born to their parents, my grandparents. it is them child i am, no one else, not even the womb who bore me. but this story was to tell you and show you the treachery of 'friends' . the height of deceit. the ugliness of character. from the aged to the young. relationships and friendships. anyway, maya, once caught and identified began to get rude and cussed, yes, this thirteen year old, I was shocked stunned i tell you. i tried to tell her to hush as she was really cussing her grandmother. she refused, I ended up slapping her. she persisted. i slapped her again. you know this trick tried to start fighting me. if her grandmother was not there, I have no idea what that would have come to but i was never enraged or in a mode where i would have torn her to pieces, but i was stunned. then i got on the phone and reported to her mother, marjorie, maya;s grandmother had no intention to tell the mother, and hence why we have this madness going on...but it appears they have been off the rails for years, but i in my own corner, had no clue. it was only that day that i learned my youngest aunt was going to tell her niece to make other arrangements because the girls are out of control and stressing marjorie.. but i have derailed a bit but will close by saying this happened cause this nest of women, and an absent father, allowed these girls to rule, and even excoriated me for being too stern, and demanding of them from the time they were born. so now they reaping. but i was stunned to see the behavior of one who i considered my friend. to allow me to be steam rolled, stand by watch everything and never stopped the persecution. that is deep to me. what kind of sociopath is being developed there. and others may find this an extreme analysis. i dont. i would be sure to hear the cries at the end of the circuit though/

then the other thing that happened in the friend or not zone in the last week...someone i considered a friend, who i have had no dealing with for decades, wrote something to me so sordid, out of my character, kind of doing the same thing my mother does...of having a total lack of faith and trust in me for no reason at all. i dont know if it is of projection, internal ugliness, deep misunderstanding they harbor of others who are not like them...i dont know what. i cant explain it, laid a prospect on my feet so far out of my realm of possibilities and in direct contradiction to discussions. it is like this. If I offered you a gold bracelet, you accept it, and then they retracted and on top of that, tried to say you stole the bracelet. like that.

then too, i was stunned. I swear i have had experiences in the last few weeks that make me feel if i am in the insane asylum. totally apoplexed by the behaviors of nothing but irrationality, treachery, subtle sabotage.

and i am just left looking at my hands, trying to read, what is this all about? what are the messages here, how to make sense , logical, rational, mature and functional sense of all this insanity. and I am stumped. but one thing I wont do, is to presume blame and say, well if all this happening to me, i must be the problem. no. yeah. I am the problem cause i see all these characters.

which is funny. i woke up today realizing that my sleep patterns have changed. I sleep consistently through the night, straight hours of seven to nine...but this morning, i woke up and i swear i felt my eyesight was brighter, wider spectrum. i felt my small chinese eyes were bright with pupil view. it was weird.

i see it all. i see them all. what saddens me is that there really is no escape or means to elude .

all the universe that has happened in my life, in a mere week or two

Contradictions and Lanes of NonAlignment

it appears that a level of practicality, truth shearing, final wisdom have taken over me, unrivaled by any time in life before. and quite frankly, i am asking myself how come no one else around me.

why am i in a family with two girl young teens, almost wilding on the elders: their grandmother, elder aunt, younger aunt, and forget their mother, they run her and their father. i had to put my hand on my favorite niece last thursday. and called my sister to tell her about it. and it happened in front of our mother. Those girls have an exposure to a life and living in this house that they do not see or process in comparison anywhere else. We know that all or little that they know, they learned here with us, not with or by their parents, who are two big town professionals, vacuous in a fake marriage,, too busy pretending they are. and yet, their girls show and prove their truth. one is a dyslexic and in a school that seems more fraud and farce than anything, that child is learning zero tools to transcend those learning challenges.. seems to me just a school of all the same so they all dont feel threatened or less than. and is that not what I am talking about here...? how we surround ourselves with people that somehow aid us to keep to the bottom, flat and mediocre line...

the other one smart and insightful but wow, with a streak of fire, rage and real madness we have always seen. and i personally thought she had grown out of, but no. maya went beserk on thursday, told me and my mom to "piss off", then used frigging to my mom, and when i tried to tell her to hush and control herself, she refused. I box/slapped her , she persisted, i box/slapped her again, and then do you know this wire of a girl tried to start fighting me. if my mother was not there they would have had a hurting child.

we are too good to her for her to wild out on us.but it was a deep situation. I realized it is because of the silent dimensions they put forth and also too, ignore. they, in total, dismiss and undermine me, and then wonder why they have girls who do them the same. they dont respect me, and wonder why they have girls who disrespect them.

i wonder if i am wrong, but you know what i see. children and especially insightful, wise children, shrewd children even, can see the breaks in the foundation, can see falseness and farce, quicker than any words can shield or achieve. their contempt of me, has bred contempt in those girls for all. and i am not saying it is because I am so important to the girls. not it at all. but children scan and xray the truth of dynamics, relationships, and it does not make sense to them the lies they are told. they only respond to what they see. and energy.

these girls have been indulged to an extent that there is no returning, by all the adults. from early on i wanted to be more stringent and strict with them as I am naturally. and they were shielded from me/ so here we are. cussing their grandmother, aunts, fighting those who try to correct them, and then days later, family meetings with two members, and the one who brought the correction, absent. see what i mean. we keep saying and doing things, that are so far off and away from the mark as to make it just stage theatre. it aint real. and then we act surprised when things blow up in their truth.

the dance of contradictions that I am currently struggling with , wondering why i am the only one in the theatre and trying to decide what to do with it all. how to respond. I just remember my cousin yesterday regaling us on how a few times he sent women or chicks on their way. packing up their things, sending them back home. saying peace out. but i know, i am in lanes of nonalignment.


-----

when i wrote this above yesterday, it was a much longer piece, but in attempting to copy it from one platform to another, i lost half of it and left it alone. now a day later, I come with another writing and am met with this..."lanes of nonalignment". it is a perfect segue but the writing might still be disjointed. I will leave it so. for how poignant                                                  -----


June 28, 2016 -- an email to my older sister..

Ok Sister.

This is the downside of being present.

So i wake up at what i believe when i turned on the computer at 4:34 am

It was slight heartburn and then answers started flooding my brain, so i woke up to write

I really do feel in my spirit something is wrong. I have been seeing the signs but did not know what they were. Could not nearly prescribe or assess the wildest things for someone you think you know who used to be a friend and an ex-boyfriend

I think to see a learned academic parent ==not parent. To see his very small children literally running amok about him. To see them not pay him zero mind on camera. To sense that long before you saw anything. That I sensed he had zero authority with them and then see it. Them climbing over him as he does a video chat, Them not paying attention to his instruction. 

Seeing autistic behavior in one child, mindlessly beating a stack of plastic drawers. And another

child up in the laptop screen screaming. Lunatic asylum scenes Much?? I marvel now in hindsight.

The two divorces, by fortyfive? or younger? One ex=wife who wants you destroyed? For you to write that you never loved your wives, that you dont recall what led you to marry the first, the latter was the pregnancy . That you in this modern day did not realize that you doing the right thing just meant to take care of your child, not to be yoked in marriage?

You being involved with a huge project, this preK academy and it be so off the chain haywire? Unfinished by the contractor. Delayed opening. And you writing that you will never undertake a big project without your own project plan, instead of relying on the contractor? who does that? Who in our sphere would do that>

For your two boys to be special needs and apart from some apparently very lame and very non-responsive school you have them enrolled, they are not receiving any treatment.

To see the apartment and its condition over the video chat.

To have it happen one time, the first time with the video chat with the boys and your stream buffering you decide to remove yourself from the video without any thought to the fact of what i am seeing, nothing wrong with my video, you be so mindless to just remove yourself, go to the sofa, and recline and all i am seeing is leg.  and then, even, you in your drawers , for a video chat. squenches face. Who Does that? Who of our ilk does that>

Do you sense at all what I am showing you Jackie?

We see signs but explain them away, give them pass, for who might be involved, by various rationale, and permittance. all the while overlooking the obvious, the wrong, the red flags. the daytona runaways.

I wake up this morning believing cb is mentally ill. He is in the throes of episodes. I have no idea what the diagnosis. I wake up wondering now for the first time, why someone like him took a package? took retirement? So young still ? and is not still at Jackson State? But at two lesser universities it appears? But I never ever before this moment thought to ask, now it is too late. 

 I think there is something there . It makes no sense.

How do you say "your boys are your life" but these are the scenes with them? no structure. No patterns. No schedules/ You all sleep together. If you dont sleep when they go to bed, there will be no sleeping? I even wrote him one time, how come it seems there is no practice of doing things together in your household with the boys, like planning dinners and stuff. I get the sense of hamburgers and hotdogs.

something not right Jackie

I do think C might be mentally ill.

He did tell me he takes three types of drugs of a specific class. I cant be bothered to go back in the history to find it, it is too tedious. But for anxiety/ He said he gets attacks, starting at MSU>  after me. and that he takes zoloft.

The whole scene of him being a sheriff. In mississippi, the academic, the school...I just got a sense between all of that and the ex wives, that he seems to be locked into some scene to prove himself, to disprove the obvious. But all the social markers were there..the huge houses, the bikes, the fancy rides. He even told me that his second wife thought he had money. And all i thought about is why did you pick these kinds of women to be with???!!!! Twice.

Seem to me a person obviously not learning. Not picking up clues. Not mature. the Parent thing just stumped me. He told me back when we were together, I seemed to be looking for "an evolved man" part of my alarm bells is meeting him now and realizing and seeing, he seems to be the exact same, totally unevolved.

I am writing to tell you that.

His response yesterday was off, was out of sync and line with the tone of our engagement,

and outside our or my attempts to not let it descend, when I wrote, lets leave it alone and he writes, no lets not and continues. for him to write and offer what he did all these months and then go to "me living off of him" blows my mind.

Yeah. some real extreme swings there.

i really do feel i broke the code here.

And then I wake up to news that brexit might not happen.

Think there is any mirroring going on there at all?

that those people over there thought they had the power to do such and really did not/

Further to all that I wrote, I was also stumped, completely that a mature sane right thinking person , and an academic, and parent would handle this transfer and life shift that was so huge in both our lives in such a casual, rush into everything manner. that was killing me. And if I did not know C, anybody who do that we would have how many red flags and police calling, not so? ehnt we done learn all of that alreadY??

eh eh. I struck some serious cords with him yesterday. I called him out for the second time in our knowing this rounds. And i dont see how he can , we can rebound from this. he jumped way over the deep end yesterday.

The only way i can see this happening is if he writes legal documentation now. Signing me up for everything. Signing me up as beneficiary , and as guardian, and as caretaker. Fuck outta here with that "Living off of you" bullshit. That bitch thought i was desperate. Never. not ever enough to jump from frying pan to fire.

Alright honey. I have shocked you enough. Back to your fine tuned life. smh

Me

Spiritual Partnerships and Social Enterprises

We should make a product and brand out of our novel partnership.

I thought if it as Social Enterprise of Partnerships or Personal Partnerships as Public Enterprise.

The new experiment for a new world is to see how people can come together in unexpected and novel ways to build empires, survival, and means. A new form of the Celestine Prophecy maybe?

that literally just flashed before me while I slept and made me get up. I went to bed at 4:44, woke up at 7, went back to sleep at 9...12:37pm

We should somehow brand this, write about it, make it public, get publicity for it, speaking engagements, monitoring of our evolution and maybe even finding ways to help other people get together