Contradictions and Lanes of NonAlignment

it appears that a level of practicality, truth shearing, final wisdom have taken over me, unrivaled by any time in life before. and quite frankly, i am asking myself how come no one else around me.

why am i in a family with two girl young teens, almost wilding on the elders: their grandmother, elder aunt, younger aunt, and forget their mother, they run her and their father. i had to put my hand on my favorite niece last thursday. and called my sister to tell her about it. and it happened in front of our mother. Those girls have an exposure to a life and living in this house that they do not see or process in comparison anywhere else. We know that all or little that they know, they learned here with us, not with or by their parents, who are two big town professionals, vacuous in a fake marriage,, too busy pretending they are. and yet, their girls show and prove their truth. one is a dyslexic and in a school that seems more fraud and farce than anything, that child is learning zero tools to transcend those learning challenges.. seems to me just a school of all the same so they all dont feel threatened or less than. and is that not what I am talking about here...? how we surround ourselves with people that somehow aid us to keep to the bottom, flat and mediocre line...

the other one smart and insightful but wow, with a streak of fire, rage and real madness we have always seen. and i personally thought she had grown out of, but no. maya went beserk on thursday, told me and my mom to "piss off", then used frigging to my mom, and when i tried to tell her to hush and control herself, she refused. I box/slapped her , she persisted, i box/slapped her again, and then do you know this wire of a girl tried to start fighting me. if my mother was not there they would have had a hurting child.

we are too good to her for her to wild out on us.but it was a deep situation. I realized it is because of the silent dimensions they put forth and also too, ignore. they, in total, dismiss and undermine me, and then wonder why they have girls who do them the same. they dont respect me, and wonder why they have girls who disrespect them.

i wonder if i am wrong, but you know what i see. children and especially insightful, wise children, shrewd children even, can see the breaks in the foundation, can see falseness and farce, quicker than any words can shield or achieve. their contempt of me, has bred contempt in those girls for all. and i am not saying it is because I am so important to the girls. not it at all. but children scan and xray the truth of dynamics, relationships, and it does not make sense to them the lies they are told. they only respond to what they see. and energy.

these girls have been indulged to an extent that there is no returning, by all the adults. from early on i wanted to be more stringent and strict with them as I am naturally. and they were shielded from me/ so here we are. cussing their grandmother, aunts, fighting those who try to correct them, and then days later, family meetings with two members, and the one who brought the correction, absent. see what i mean. we keep saying and doing things, that are so far off and away from the mark as to make it just stage theatre. it aint real. and then we act surprised when things blow up in their truth.

the dance of contradictions that I am currently struggling with , wondering why i am the only one in the theatre and trying to decide what to do with it all. how to respond. I just remember my cousin yesterday regaling us on how a few times he sent women or chicks on their way. packing up their things, sending them back home. saying peace out. but i know, i am in lanes of nonalignment.


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when i wrote this above yesterday, it was a much longer piece, but in attempting to copy it from one platform to another, i lost half of it and left it alone. now a day later, I come with another writing and am met with this..."lanes of nonalignment". it is a perfect segue but the writing might still be disjointed. I will leave it so. for how poignant                                                  -----


June 28, 2016 -- an email to my older sister..

Ok Sister.

This is the downside of being present.

So i wake up at what i believe when i turned on the computer at 4:34 am

It was slight heartburn and then answers started flooding my brain, so i woke up to write

I really do feel in my spirit something is wrong. I have been seeing the signs but did not know what they were. Could not nearly prescribe or assess the wildest things for someone you think you know who used to be a friend and an ex-boyfriend

I think to see a learned academic parent ==not parent. To see his very small children literally running amok about him. To see them not pay him zero mind on camera. To sense that long before you saw anything. That I sensed he had zero authority with them and then see it. Them climbing over him as he does a video chat, Them not paying attention to his instruction. 

Seeing autistic behavior in one child, mindlessly beating a stack of plastic drawers. And another

child up in the laptop screen screaming. Lunatic asylum scenes Much?? I marvel now in hindsight.

The two divorces, by fortyfive? or younger? One ex=wife who wants you destroyed? For you to write that you never loved your wives, that you dont recall what led you to marry the first, the latter was the pregnancy . That you in this modern day did not realize that you doing the right thing just meant to take care of your child, not to be yoked in marriage?

You being involved with a huge project, this preK academy and it be so off the chain haywire? Unfinished by the contractor. Delayed opening. And you writing that you will never undertake a big project without your own project plan, instead of relying on the contractor? who does that? Who in our sphere would do that>

For your two boys to be special needs and apart from some apparently very lame and very non-responsive school you have them enrolled, they are not receiving any treatment.

To see the apartment and its condition over the video chat.

To have it happen one time, the first time with the video chat with the boys and your stream buffering you decide to remove yourself from the video without any thought to the fact of what i am seeing, nothing wrong with my video, you be so mindless to just remove yourself, go to the sofa, and recline and all i am seeing is leg.  and then, even, you in your drawers , for a video chat. squenches face. Who Does that? Who of our ilk does that>

Do you sense at all what I am showing you Jackie?

We see signs but explain them away, give them pass, for who might be involved, by various rationale, and permittance. all the while overlooking the obvious, the wrong, the red flags. the daytona runaways.

I wake up this morning believing cb is mentally ill. He is in the throes of episodes. I have no idea what the diagnosis. I wake up wondering now for the first time, why someone like him took a package? took retirement? So young still ? and is not still at Jackson State? But at two lesser universities it appears? But I never ever before this moment thought to ask, now it is too late. 

 I think there is something there . It makes no sense.

How do you say "your boys are your life" but these are the scenes with them? no structure. No patterns. No schedules/ You all sleep together. If you dont sleep when they go to bed, there will be no sleeping? I even wrote him one time, how come it seems there is no practice of doing things together in your household with the boys, like planning dinners and stuff. I get the sense of hamburgers and hotdogs.

something not right Jackie

I do think C might be mentally ill.

He did tell me he takes three types of drugs of a specific class. I cant be bothered to go back in the history to find it, it is too tedious. But for anxiety/ He said he gets attacks, starting at MSU>  after me. and that he takes zoloft.

The whole scene of him being a sheriff. In mississippi, the academic, the school...I just got a sense between all of that and the ex wives, that he seems to be locked into some scene to prove himself, to disprove the obvious. But all the social markers were there..the huge houses, the bikes, the fancy rides. He even told me that his second wife thought he had money. And all i thought about is why did you pick these kinds of women to be with???!!!! Twice.

Seem to me a person obviously not learning. Not picking up clues. Not mature. the Parent thing just stumped me. He told me back when we were together, I seemed to be looking for "an evolved man" part of my alarm bells is meeting him now and realizing and seeing, he seems to be the exact same, totally unevolved.

I am writing to tell you that.

His response yesterday was off, was out of sync and line with the tone of our engagement,

and outside our or my attempts to not let it descend, when I wrote, lets leave it alone and he writes, no lets not and continues. for him to write and offer what he did all these months and then go to "me living off of him" blows my mind.

Yeah. some real extreme swings there.

i really do feel i broke the code here.

And then I wake up to news that brexit might not happen.

Think there is any mirroring going on there at all?

that those people over there thought they had the power to do such and really did not/

Further to all that I wrote, I was also stumped, completely that a mature sane right thinking person , and an academic, and parent would handle this transfer and life shift that was so huge in both our lives in such a casual, rush into everything manner. that was killing me. And if I did not know C, anybody who do that we would have how many red flags and police calling, not so? ehnt we done learn all of that alreadY??

eh eh. I struck some serious cords with him yesterday. I called him out for the second time in our knowing this rounds. And i dont see how he can , we can rebound from this. he jumped way over the deep end yesterday.

The only way i can see this happening is if he writes legal documentation now. Signing me up for everything. Signing me up as beneficiary , and as guardian, and as caretaker. Fuck outta here with that "Living off of you" bullshit. That bitch thought i was desperate. Never. not ever enough to jump from frying pan to fire.

Alright honey. I have shocked you enough. Back to your fine tuned life. smh

Me