February 6, 2013
my every thought, consideration, theory, muse, word and whim
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Writing to Do
Thursday, February, 14, 2013
EROS, 2013, RainMaker, SoulMate, Found
Trinidad, Carnival, Monday, February, 11, 2013
Watching, Mas, remembering, how, i, landed, here, and, got, fucked, over, from, day, one., Sailor, Mas, dissuaded, by, family./--the, track, and, tone, that, created.
Sunday, February, 10, 2013
why, doesnt, life, come, packaged, presented, and, associated, the, way, you, want, it
always, twists, ironies, cruelties, and, tricks
Love, and, Who, Loves, You
Tobago, from, Trinidad
February, 6, 2013
What, does, a, birthday, mean, in, the, absence, of'.'.'
February, 2, 2013
1.'
Grand, Gestures
Wifey
2.'
/-after, 7am, dreams
MMontano, meeting, ,fete
3.'
What, do, i, want
February, 1, 2013
Day, 333
26, is, todays, number
26/3/$8
Make, money, to, bleed, money
Mechanics, ,Cleaners
26, two, times
Wednesday, January, 30, 2013
Sunda]y, January, 27
Familial Withdrawal, No Love
EROS, 2013, RainMaker, SoulMate, Found
Trinidad, Carnival, Monday, February, 11, 2013
Watching, Mas, remembering, how, i, landed, here, and, got, fucked, over, from, day, one., Sailor, Mas, dissuaded, by, family./--the, track, and, tone, that, created.
Sunday, February, 10, 2013
why, doesnt, life, come, packaged, presented, and, associated, the, way, you, want, it
always, twists, ironies, cruelties, and, tricks
Love, and, Who, Loves, You
Tobago, from, Trinidad
February, 6, 2013
What, does, a, birthday, mean, in, the, absence, of'.'.'
February, 2, 2013
1.'
Grand, Gestures
Wifey
2.'
/-after, 7am, dreams
MMontano, meeting, ,fete
3.'
What, do, i, want
February, 1, 2013
Day, 333
26, is, todays, number
26/3/$8
Make, money, to, bleed, money
Mechanics, ,Cleaners
26, two, times
Wednesday, January, 30, 2013
One, If you stood back from afar and looked at your life, what would you see?
Two, Steve, DeSouza, Car Rental and, New Mechanics
Monday, January, 28, , 2013
Las Cuevas Sea Blasts, Rescues
Sunda]y, January, 27
Familial Withdrawal, No Love
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Men. Becoming
EROS 2013
365 Days to Live: How are you Living/Filling It? Day 339
Saturday, January 26, 2013
So i have had the flu since Wednesday: Dry heaving coughs that rattle the universe. What was always just a head cold developed into symptoms much worse..with body aches, and elevated temperatures.
By Friday, eating prunes and figs, I got a slight purge at night which made me feel much better and lighter. And a fb friend responding to my post that no medicine seems to work told me to get some zebapik and bois canois...i got the former and swigged it twice not before he could tell me that it will affect my cycle and make my periods come early./ I will not be taking more. I dont want anything to affect my cycle; but also thought it peculiar that I would stumble upon the very treatment to help women have babies...More Signs and Wonders possibly.
I had a lovely dinner at Trevor's Lange Park on Wednesday: shrimp scampi, and cemented with Renee that she would network me with Gerard Yorke, businessman, ceo and cfo at WASA...so I am to go to the WASA fete today/ so my whole mind was of the view to get well for tonight.
Another unfolding that just happened and feels good to me is that the few times I went out with Charles, I did not want to drive him home up the San Juan hill, after picking him up, so I let him drop me and he keeps the car. It almost feels like a good arrangement> i have no understanding how or why/ quite bizarre actually
A moment yesterday at Frances' home where i went to get the zebapik, we talked about my father. Frances referred to a fb post where i mentioned him...and i told him we are estranged..he asked why
mentioning..."if it is because you are so unorthodox" and i joked asking him, 'whatever do you mean Frances?' and Charles responded, "you must know how you come appear to the world"///i reflect on it now and realize that was an opportunity, missed, for a great information gathering.
...there is more to be said, but best to leave it unwritten...until a think makes and we know what it is and what to call it...but this has been my last few days
i hugged Frances last night for being so good to me: he provides for me when I am ill and never charges me.. I have no idea why i went to hug him but his response was " i have never had a hug from you, let me savor it" so he did not let me go and lingered...I mentioned it to Charles and he responded..."are you Becoming?"
where i find these men about me?
i am loving them and what they are doing for me
365 Days to Live: How are you Living/Filling It? Day 339
Saturday, January 26, 2013
So i have had the flu since Wednesday: Dry heaving coughs that rattle the universe. What was always just a head cold developed into symptoms much worse..with body aches, and elevated temperatures.
By Friday, eating prunes and figs, I got a slight purge at night which made me feel much better and lighter. And a fb friend responding to my post that no medicine seems to work told me to get some zebapik and bois canois...i got the former and swigged it twice not before he could tell me that it will affect my cycle and make my periods come early./ I will not be taking more. I dont want anything to affect my cycle; but also thought it peculiar that I would stumble upon the very treatment to help women have babies...More Signs and Wonders possibly.
I had a lovely dinner at Trevor's Lange Park on Wednesday: shrimp scampi, and cemented with Renee that she would network me with Gerard Yorke, businessman, ceo and cfo at WASA...so I am to go to the WASA fete today/ so my whole mind was of the view to get well for tonight.
Another unfolding that just happened and feels good to me is that the few times I went out with Charles, I did not want to drive him home up the San Juan hill, after picking him up, so I let him drop me and he keeps the car. It almost feels like a good arrangement> i have no understanding how or why/ quite bizarre actually
A moment yesterday at Frances' home where i went to get the zebapik, we talked about my father. Frances referred to a fb post where i mentioned him...and i told him we are estranged..he asked why
mentioning..."if it is because you are so unorthodox" and i joked asking him, 'whatever do you mean Frances?' and Charles responded, "you must know how you come appear to the world"///i reflect on it now and realize that was an opportunity, missed, for a great information gathering.
...there is more to be said, but best to leave it unwritten...until a think makes and we know what it is and what to call it...but this has been my last few days
i hugged Frances last night for being so good to me: he provides for me when I am ill and never charges me.. I have no idea why i went to hug him but his response was " i have never had a hug from you, let me savor it" so he did not let me go and lingered...I mentioned it to Charles and he responded..."are you Becoming?"
where i find these men about me?
i am loving them and what they are doing for me
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
This is a Thousand Word a Day Three Hundred Sixty Five Essay...
2:45am Thursday January 24, 2013
“Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup,
They slither wildly as they slip away across the universe
Pools of sorrow, waves of joy are drifting through my open mind,
Possessing and caressing me.
Images of broken light which dance before me like a million eyes,
They call me on and on across the universe,
Thoughts meander like a restless wind inside a letter box
They tumble blindly as they make their way
Across the universe
Sounds of laughter shades of love are
Ringing through my open ears inciting and inviting me
Limitless undying love which shines around me like a
Million suns, and calls me on and on
Across the universe”
~John Lennon
“Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup,
They slither wildly as they slip away across the universe
Pools of sorrow, waves of joy are drifting through my open mind,
Possessing and caressing me.
Images of broken light which dance before me like a million eyes,
They call me on and on across the universe,
Thoughts meander like a restless wind inside a letter box
They tumble blindly as they make their way
Across the universe
Sounds of laughter shades of love are
Ringing through my open ears inciting and inviting me
Limitless undying love which shines around me like a
Million suns, and calls me on and on
Across the universe”
~John Lennon
Things to Life and Living
This is EROS 2013 - A Book of Life - How are you filling your days?
Things I need for Life and Living
++--------
what i was going to write...i got up to check the door. and it started me on a rabbit run that i am just now getting back to, only by chance...to answer the phone next to the computer and realize...i have completely ...it has totally left me...all concept. thoughts, motivations, dreams..ideas that iw as coming to write...
maybe it will return
10:40am
12:37pm
this is about what i need. a list of things i need to buy:
Panty /Bra Sets
Bathing suit
Tableland Land- Trevor
Vehicle Cooler
Hammocks
Things I need for Life and Living
++--------
what i was going to write...i got up to check the door. and it started me on a rabbit run that i am just now getting back to, only by chance...to answer the phone next to the computer and realize...i have completely ...it has totally left me...all concept. thoughts, motivations, dreams..ideas that iw as coming to write...
maybe it will return
10:40am
12:37pm
this is about what i need. a list of things i need to buy:
Panty /Bra Sets
Bathing suit
Tableland Land- Trevor
Vehicle Cooler
Hammocks
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Days of Camp
12:36am Wednesday January 23, 2013
Day 342 for days 343, 344 and 345, and 344...
Maybe I am haunted now without sleep because I have so many days of life and activities still with me; unwritten.
From the disappointments on Friday, I hung out on Saturday at a family (not mine) christening that ended up being a cool scene dancing and drinks lime. With Chase. And being cool with strangers and other strange fellows. One rasta man who kept coming up into my personal space and just staring. Chase had to tell him "she is known by me". Then another brother who just oozed sweetness of soul, he kept on spying me but only later at the end did we dance the floor together. While Chase poured drinks.
Then Sunday my two musketeers and I; the whole camp --it is what i am calling the three of us...went to Yorkes fete at Bishop East. It was interesting. Unlike previous fetes I have been to; I was not business with who was there, I was not looking for people; just totally embroiled with my two sentries...dancing, drinking, watching milieu of people and women in fashions and presentations...hearing the Point Fortin Engine Room... The previous night before i heard some phenomenal kalang they panned out that was so tribal, so deep, so profound and cultural. it was amazing...it made me want to transport to previous times and origins. I need to learn what piece that is, and decided that night, Saturday, that i would also have to make a Point Fortin Borough Day. This year, with the Camp> And so we had fun and adventures, Our first such embarking.
Then Monday I had an interview with Eve Anderson for the Australian AID/Embassy. Thought it was for 11am when in fact it was a one o'clock appointment. And the night before I let Charles have the car so he came and picked me up at 10am. And with no traffic; how who knows; i got there in fifteen minutes and had a fortyfive to spare only to discover No it was three hours...So we went to do his errand which was to give blood. And that was interesting. I too decided I would. And even before I could get started, decided I would do that every year from now on for my birthday. but pull up selector, mash brakes. Turns out as always, when ever i try to give blood...my red blood count is low...the blood did not sink when it was pulled. A quick analysis showed i was lacking. So i kept my blood. And today I wondered and remembered of that blind seer man who told me not to ever shed blood in an offering...and i wondered could that issue and consistent block be related to that rule over my life? Kind of a fascinating connection and synchronicity not to wonder. But John gave and that is such a long process. A bare minimum hour and a half for that process. I met people there giving blood for many reasons: a career donor, who i later realized is in a tv commercial for losing weight. She had on the most beautiful purple and brown tank dress with cinched elastic waist. Had she just recently bought it, I would have gone in search of that dress, And a mother who was organizing a number for her daughter to give blood for her and they were humorous; the former rushing the latter. And a mother there with her about 6'5" 18 year old son...And families and wonderful fathers...A huge and tall Indian rasta with his wife and tiny needle of a daughter, and he sat with her on his lap, patting vigorously her legs and the way she was lodged into his chest and arms it well reminded me of grandmother action and practices. I was warmed by that...But my plans to end the day with lunch somewhere relaxing was not to be...Charles went home after a short stop and so ended our Monday Jaunt...even as we talked about being on the boat.
And i wanted to be on the boat...it was a day to celebrate. My interview turned out so well Melissa Dookie was in love with me, so thoroughly researched and investigated me, she found my first published essay on the net and read it. I was floored. It now colors and limits my writing here. I must now be very careful on all what i divulge and to keep things that might be a deter elsewhere. But she was so impressed with my background and feeling that it is a perfect fit for the post with Australia. And it is. And when she called me on Friday for the interview I was given to thought and reflection on the ad again And told myself it is not my fault that i have not been employed these years, and it is not about me and how i am in personality as I have been made to weather the negative comments of the ignorant about me. but The fact that I have a very rare, specialized and not in demand background here in this background turd world country...and so this was the first development post ever in all these years. And Here was Melissa telling me. I was prime and primo among all candidates and many showing up totally unmatched for the qualifications or its veneer...It felt great to have that much support. I have never experienced that. She told me I was the first and chosen. So we shall see if Australia agrees. She also went onto say that Australia is concerned for a well matched person beyond qualifications...she mentioned personality and i asked well what are they looking for and she mentioned: work ethic. and there i was again, thinking BOOM in my mind cause that is one of my cultural gaps in this place. I do not go to work to lime, to chat, to make friends or to dither,..but that all is what trinidad workplace is about... So great hopes
And then that afternoon the Camp again was to go to the bush, but it got late, traffic began and Charles did not feel his best so we put it off till Tuesday morning. And that is what I did with Cammy. Charles saying the flu was at his heels. So I went to San Raphael to see Chase's family land and compound and to hear of his dreams to make money and get sustainability...where I just saw a lovely spot to have a quiet home...I did not get to it, but understand two large rivers intersect at the location: the Caroni and the Cumuto and one is about 20 ft deep, and not really for play or swimming as it is full of caimans. ;( (alligators)...but we feigned work, me more than him. I was just his cleaner and helper. Having fallen on my right wrist and hand Saturday night...I realize I have not much power...
And I came home feeling innervated for being in the sun, moving a bit of muscle, and breathing clean air..I cant live there though. My first and main consideration at any time I encounter country property: to search for opportunity. We talked a lot Chase and I. we often do. Share a lot of personal stuff. It is interesting. I between two wonderful men and wanting both of them.
And that gets me to now. I was feeling real sleepy early in the evening. Falling on myself in front the computer. Tried to go to bed at 9pm but made the mistake to keep the tv on, and so my head filled with thoughts. How i could have approached and introduced myself to Yorke for him to help me manifest and out on my Feb 10 event.. And how i thought to dig out (i have made great strides for i dont even remember his name) eye's for being so hateful toward me and not responding to my communications...But that is good. My mind was just running circles and playing snakes and ladders, what ifs and possible encounters and outcomes. The things you do to keep sane in real life: playing out the vengeful so you dont have to in real life...and so awakeneness took me. And when this happens I wonder if there is not some spirit about me. I was never like this. And this has happened twice in recent days. I just suspect it is the level of human interaction and activity...The body and mind never gets to download and empty to not be entertained and interconnected to find rest. So unusual for me..
But this is life this 2013
And then this evening in between trying to get to sleep and doing facebook, a friend gave me a coded message...Seeming to indicated I was and have been and will be chosen for an ACP (African Caribbean Pacific) contract..making big Euros per day...How Hallelujah!. Time will tell.So you see what i mean? All this in my brain...
And speaking of brain, sometime I swear I am losing cells like weight...I could not add today. II am forgetting much and many things..But I prayer and will just have to work to reverse it. I imagine just falling myself into allowing love to just envelope me and that will cure me. Or I will have to do more brain work to stop the slide. Who knows. Hopefully this is just my overworking thoughts that can be stilled
Hopefully this purge and writing is just that...
But in the midst of all this activity...there have been moments, twice i remember, night times where I feel and recognize how at peace i am in this camp. It is like they have an overwhelming calming effect on me. Charles in particular and Chase too, but to a lesser extent. it is wild. I felt it clearly yesterday...I am lucky. I hope i stay so. I hope it grows.
Good Night
1:13am
"We all take peeks at the other side of the veil every night."
Rob Brezny's Freewill Astrology
Friday, January 18, 2013
Deafening Delusions/Damning Disappointments
9:43pm Friday January 18. 2013
Day 347
How Crazy am I - I use names
My disgust at being out of control and overwhelmed with emotions of sadness, disappointment and lack of resilience led me to shut my door, close my windows and put on the fan to dull the noise from within my house: one over loud tv and a neighbor who has been playing the same song on endless rotation since before Christmas...and I think as i write there might be a conspiracy to send me mad cause these things dont make sense. Not someone playing a song . One song. endlessly on rotation day and night for a month straight? but so it is. This is real. It is truth. My lived reality
I realized i was practically holding my breath. As if to really breathe in this madness would be the death of me, really. or breathing shallow so as not to take any more than i absolutely need to to keep my body moving/ It is the total lack of control of my life that sinks me most often, most recently, but a lot of other things besides.
The weight of it all..Of wanting to eat an artisan's yoghurt and he promised to bring it twice and still failed to do so without any explanation and his response is we will keep in touch. Really? As if it is a favor or a gift and I dont have to pay for it. I wrote him saying, I feel like i am begging. but I think, do I need to eat his yoghurt? Do i need to spend money? Have i not stopped eating yoghurt since I could not get Stonyfield's Organic?> And so it is? I shall continue without. For a long time now i have this issue of not what i want but who i want to give my money to. And I realize, I am not going to beg anyone to take my money; nor am i going to make all and sundry rich, wily nilly without considerations and weighings Especially since I live in a country full of thieves and swindlers.
Then someone on fb announced their status of a relationship and i registered how it is supposed to be done---this relationship thing: who you find, how you find them, how you go about doing it...it takes time. and it is someone you are around and spend time with and you all are involved in the same work, livelihood, entertainment or initiatives and it blossoms, evolves, emerges...And it happens when you are young. And I think, oh that is how it is done and pities that i did not learn it sooner, earlier.
Then I take time out and take distance from the past seven days that passed, from this evening at 6pm. And i think how much of living has passed, and the dynamics and emotions that have arisen within/ The mix of attractions, fishing, and idle conversations . The liberties I have extended for someone to ask me if my pubic is shorn of hair and I think, where have i landed myself with who. And how easy it is to slide down a slope there is no calibration from one measure to another. And wishing i could retreat from that corral.
Liming with people you just met and they are sans any such civility, decency or broughtupcy to go into your food, eat it as if it is theirs, without ever asking. and I think in reflection> Really? GhettoFabulous is where i landed? I have nothing in common with the set I am thrown with and I wonder what of this irony and cruelty/
And i think how dismal things may be so that anything that appears becomes as a star. a start, a light to deliver but it is really all illusion and bullshit. The same wooden nickels splitting hairs -no gain, no returns, no purpose...I feel empty inside/ Between an elusive shady and a reactionary bipolar...One who will love you but will cut you the minute they are ready to. And i think of one incident. In this short long of seven days, this person could find it in them to sit me and look me in my face and tell me what i do that dont work and how i think that does not translate but he is telling me that 'because he likes me' and i get scared as I write that cause that kind of behavior is nothing short of signs of a sociopsychopath...for who would want to break you down to nothing long before knowing you. who would think they have the right to say and venture there? but one seeking to subjugate you
All these things flood onto me as I lay down to try to alleviate my mental anguish, emotional pain and physical loneliness of these culminating dynamics.
It is weird.
I am supposed to want to build things with people who other people leave and abandon; whose wives have shut them down and out and the way she ignored me as I said good bye told me a long story...
And people who show up saying they are here to help you but really come to tell you how your idea aint go work and all it is because your landscape and horizon is aeons and ancients beyond their limitations...Who do you trust. Who are you listening to> What lives have these people lived to give substance onto you? And even if you tell yourself you are just trying to make it through the day. and I was./ And I was trying to make this seem okay and full of gaiety and gifts, but is it really? I feel tortured. Between a rock and a hard place. between a closed shut door and a door wide open, breeze pulling but i need not venture near. And it is just vultures circling for a kill. the next kill. Out of sight out of mind.
Then another one playing for my hand or bottom, also married tells me we shall spend time over drinks but he just throws out empty lines, no walking comes after..it is just the emptiness i cannot fathom and contend. Makes me hold them all in contempt
Where is peace to be found
But i felt it is related to Zen: having no expectations. no projections, seeing nothing, being blind . conceiving neither plans nor wishes..just flowing like water, no attachments to nada.
And it was all of this that became too heavy to sit with, so I closed up everything and thought lying down to sleep would relieve me but instead the thoughts rushed me and told me i had to write it down. This was part of the living and writing 2013. This was how today was filled
Piero, Chase, JohnCharles,
Tony Martin died today in a Trini hospital. I have no word what he died from.
In a space of seven days I have known two deaths of people in my periphery
Before melancholy set about me, I had a quiet pleasant relaxing reflective day in bed, writing musing...
I got a call from the Eve Anderson Agency for my application to be the Senior Program Manager at the Australian Embassy, Australian AID. I have an interview on Monday/ I know my time is coming. And it was not my time before because my background and career is so rare and specialized here...The call from ACP Migration.. The interview at Australia AID, and my Headhunter Dominique Galt who thinks I would make a great Brand and Strategy Manager for Abovegroup Ogilvy and my application to be Synergy Resources Ltd,s CEO> an outfit that is a one man show, owned and operated. I wondered how am I to make the call of which job to take amongst the four, and given what timeline to wait and what happens if which happens first. Invisible Nonexisting Dilemmas.
Then I had a conversation with a man who was considering being my Sugar Daddy but the way he wrote and spoke I can tell this man is into domination and power dynamics. I stopped answering him.
But by far the greatest gift of the day was for my doctor Lori Linell to finally after years and a few weeks of reviving the conversation to come back to me with a proposed way in which she can come to Trinidad to give medical services..To stem the bleeding and deaths of mothers and infants. and perhaps provide me with the means to get medical training, to enter there in. And from this prospect, I realize the very person with the skills I keep calling, praying and searching for might be for me to get off my duff and perform..It is I
But all in all I see that my purpose is to just be still. To have no aspirations. To try and do and build nothing. I also believe now it is not for me to even pursue any other human being, either male or female as friend, lover, professional partner, cocreator. It is just heartbreak and disappointment. Never a retraction from that story line.
And i do hold myself responsible. Wondering why i put so much on the line and ready and willing to present so much of myself..to whom. I keep asking to whom. No one around me is doing more or better than me. Everyone is struggling and no ones digs are better than my mother's so who am i striving with and for what and is it toward the same things and who is wasting whose time and what delusion am i embroiled...sigh.. too much. I cant make heads tails or sideways of this thing. I just know I am feeling futility. This is what it all looks like.
And i dont even feel like setting up and playing myself anymore.
I am going back. Retreating into the shell. I will look out from there.
Showing yourself to liars and schemers gets you no where...z
Drive the movie seems here to give me some mental distractions...
Dread Ramblings
------------------
===============
Day 347
How Crazy am I - I use names
My disgust at being out of control and overwhelmed with emotions of sadness, disappointment and lack of resilience led me to shut my door, close my windows and put on the fan to dull the noise from within my house: one over loud tv and a neighbor who has been playing the same song on endless rotation since before Christmas...and I think as i write there might be a conspiracy to send me mad cause these things dont make sense. Not someone playing a song . One song. endlessly on rotation day and night for a month straight? but so it is. This is real. It is truth. My lived reality
I realized i was practically holding my breath. As if to really breathe in this madness would be the death of me, really. or breathing shallow so as not to take any more than i absolutely need to to keep my body moving/ It is the total lack of control of my life that sinks me most often, most recently, but a lot of other things besides.
The weight of it all..Of wanting to eat an artisan's yoghurt and he promised to bring it twice and still failed to do so without any explanation and his response is we will keep in touch. Really? As if it is a favor or a gift and I dont have to pay for it. I wrote him saying, I feel like i am begging. but I think, do I need to eat his yoghurt? Do i need to spend money? Have i not stopped eating yoghurt since I could not get Stonyfield's Organic?> And so it is? I shall continue without. For a long time now i have this issue of not what i want but who i want to give my money to. And I realize, I am not going to beg anyone to take my money; nor am i going to make all and sundry rich, wily nilly without considerations and weighings Especially since I live in a country full of thieves and swindlers.
Then someone on fb announced their status of a relationship and i registered how it is supposed to be done---this relationship thing: who you find, how you find them, how you go about doing it...it takes time. and it is someone you are around and spend time with and you all are involved in the same work, livelihood, entertainment or initiatives and it blossoms, evolves, emerges...And it happens when you are young. And I think, oh that is how it is done and pities that i did not learn it sooner, earlier.
Then I take time out and take distance from the past seven days that passed, from this evening at 6pm. And i think how much of living has passed, and the dynamics and emotions that have arisen within/ The mix of attractions, fishing, and idle conversations . The liberties I have extended for someone to ask me if my pubic is shorn of hair and I think, where have i landed myself with who. And how easy it is to slide down a slope there is no calibration from one measure to another. And wishing i could retreat from that corral.
Liming with people you just met and they are sans any such civility, decency or broughtupcy to go into your food, eat it as if it is theirs, without ever asking. and I think in reflection> Really? GhettoFabulous is where i landed? I have nothing in common with the set I am thrown with and I wonder what of this irony and cruelty/
And i think how dismal things may be so that anything that appears becomes as a star. a start, a light to deliver but it is really all illusion and bullshit. The same wooden nickels splitting hairs -no gain, no returns, no purpose...I feel empty inside/ Between an elusive shady and a reactionary bipolar...One who will love you but will cut you the minute they are ready to. And i think of one incident. In this short long of seven days, this person could find it in them to sit me and look me in my face and tell me what i do that dont work and how i think that does not translate but he is telling me that 'because he likes me' and i get scared as I write that cause that kind of behavior is nothing short of signs of a sociopsychopath...for who would want to break you down to nothing long before knowing you. who would think they have the right to say and venture there? but one seeking to subjugate you
All these things flood onto me as I lay down to try to alleviate my mental anguish, emotional pain and physical loneliness of these culminating dynamics.
It is weird.
I am supposed to want to build things with people who other people leave and abandon; whose wives have shut them down and out and the way she ignored me as I said good bye told me a long story...
And people who show up saying they are here to help you but really come to tell you how your idea aint go work and all it is because your landscape and horizon is aeons and ancients beyond their limitations...Who do you trust. Who are you listening to> What lives have these people lived to give substance onto you? And even if you tell yourself you are just trying to make it through the day. and I was./ And I was trying to make this seem okay and full of gaiety and gifts, but is it really? I feel tortured. Between a rock and a hard place. between a closed shut door and a door wide open, breeze pulling but i need not venture near. And it is just vultures circling for a kill. the next kill. Out of sight out of mind.
Then another one playing for my hand or bottom, also married tells me we shall spend time over drinks but he just throws out empty lines, no walking comes after..it is just the emptiness i cannot fathom and contend. Makes me hold them all in contempt
Where is peace to be found
But i felt it is related to Zen: having no expectations. no projections, seeing nothing, being blind . conceiving neither plans nor wishes..just flowing like water, no attachments to nada.
And it was all of this that became too heavy to sit with, so I closed up everything and thought lying down to sleep would relieve me but instead the thoughts rushed me and told me i had to write it down. This was part of the living and writing 2013. This was how today was filled
Piero, Chase, JohnCharles,
Tony Martin died today in a Trini hospital. I have no word what he died from.
In a space of seven days I have known two deaths of people in my periphery
Before melancholy set about me, I had a quiet pleasant relaxing reflective day in bed, writing musing...
I got a call from the Eve Anderson Agency for my application to be the Senior Program Manager at the Australian Embassy, Australian AID. I have an interview on Monday/ I know my time is coming. And it was not my time before because my background and career is so rare and specialized here...The call from ACP Migration.. The interview at Australia AID, and my Headhunter Dominique Galt who thinks I would make a great Brand and Strategy Manager for Abovegroup Ogilvy and my application to be Synergy Resources Ltd,s CEO> an outfit that is a one man show, owned and operated. I wondered how am I to make the call of which job to take amongst the four, and given what timeline to wait and what happens if which happens first. Invisible Nonexisting Dilemmas.
Then I had a conversation with a man who was considering being my Sugar Daddy but the way he wrote and spoke I can tell this man is into domination and power dynamics. I stopped answering him.
But by far the greatest gift of the day was for my doctor Lori Linell to finally after years and a few weeks of reviving the conversation to come back to me with a proposed way in which she can come to Trinidad to give medical services..To stem the bleeding and deaths of mothers and infants. and perhaps provide me with the means to get medical training, to enter there in. And from this prospect, I realize the very person with the skills I keep calling, praying and searching for might be for me to get off my duff and perform..It is I
But all in all I see that my purpose is to just be still. To have no aspirations. To try and do and build nothing. I also believe now it is not for me to even pursue any other human being, either male or female as friend, lover, professional partner, cocreator. It is just heartbreak and disappointment. Never a retraction from that story line.
And i do hold myself responsible. Wondering why i put so much on the line and ready and willing to present so much of myself..to whom. I keep asking to whom. No one around me is doing more or better than me. Everyone is struggling and no ones digs are better than my mother's so who am i striving with and for what and is it toward the same things and who is wasting whose time and what delusion am i embroiled...sigh.. too much. I cant make heads tails or sideways of this thing. I just know I am feeling futility. This is what it all looks like.
And i dont even feel like setting up and playing myself anymore.
I am going back. Retreating into the shell. I will look out from there.
Showing yourself to liars and schemers gets you no where...z
Drive the movie seems here to give me some mental distractions...
Dread Ramblings
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JEFF BROWN
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About Aquarius::::
#Aquarius enjoy a wide range of surprising and wild experiences hoping to understand greater possibilities.
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Lis Bleu
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Lis Bleu
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