9:43pm Friday January 18. 2013
Day 347
How Crazy am I - I use names
My disgust at being out of control and overwhelmed with emotions of sadness, disappointment and lack of resilience led me to shut my door, close my windows and put on the fan to dull the noise from within my house: one over loud tv and a neighbor who has been playing the same song on endless rotation since before Christmas...and I think as i write there might be a conspiracy to send me mad cause these things dont make sense. Not someone playing a song . One song. endlessly on rotation day and night for a month straight? but so it is. This is real. It is truth. My lived reality
I realized i was practically holding my breath. As if to really breathe in this madness would be the death of me, really. or breathing shallow so as not to take any more than i absolutely need to to keep my body moving/ It is the total lack of control of my life that sinks me most often, most recently, but a lot of other things besides.
The weight of it all..Of wanting to eat an artisan's yoghurt and he promised to bring it twice and still failed to do so without any explanation and his response is we will keep in touch. Really? As if it is a favor or a gift and I dont have to pay for it. I wrote him saying, I feel like i am begging. but I think, do I need to eat his yoghurt? Do i need to spend money? Have i not stopped eating yoghurt since I could not get Stonyfield's Organic?> And so it is? I shall continue without. For a long time now i have this issue of not what i want but who i want to give my money to. And I realize, I am not going to beg anyone to take my money; nor am i going to make all and sundry rich, wily nilly without considerations and weighings Especially since I live in a country full of thieves and swindlers.
Then someone on fb announced their status of a relationship and i registered how it is supposed to be done---this relationship thing: who you find, how you find them, how you go about doing it...it takes time. and it is someone you are around and spend time with and you all are involved in the same work, livelihood, entertainment or initiatives and it blossoms, evolves, emerges...And it happens when you are young. And I think, oh that is how it is done and pities that i did not learn it sooner, earlier.
Then I take time out and take distance from the past seven days that passed, from this evening at 6pm. And i think how much of living has passed, and the dynamics and emotions that have arisen within/ The mix of attractions, fishing, and idle conversations . The liberties I have extended for someone to ask me if my pubic is shorn of hair and I think, where have i landed myself with who. And how easy it is to slide down a slope there is no calibration from one measure to another. And wishing i could retreat from that corral.
Liming with people you just met and they are sans any such civility, decency or broughtupcy to go into your food, eat it as if it is theirs, without ever asking. and I think in reflection> Really? GhettoFabulous is where i landed? I have nothing in common with the set I am thrown with and I wonder what of this irony and cruelty/
And i think how dismal things may be so that anything that appears becomes as a star. a start, a light to deliver but it is really all illusion and bullshit. The same wooden nickels splitting hairs -no gain, no returns, no purpose...I feel empty inside/ Between an elusive shady and a reactionary bipolar...One who will love you but will cut you the minute they are ready to. And i think of one incident. In this short long of seven days, this person could find it in them to sit me and look me in my face and tell me what i do that dont work and how i think that does not translate but he is telling me that 'because he likes me' and i get scared as I write that cause that kind of behavior is nothing short of signs of a sociopsychopath...for who would want to break you down to nothing long before knowing you. who would think they have the right to say and venture there? but one seeking to subjugate you
All these things flood onto me as I lay down to try to alleviate my mental anguish, emotional pain and physical loneliness of these culminating dynamics.
It is weird.
I am supposed to want to build things with people who other people leave and abandon; whose wives have shut them down and out and the way she ignored me as I said good bye told me a long story...
And people who show up saying they are here to help you but really come to tell you how your idea aint go work and all it is because your landscape and horizon is aeons and ancients beyond their limitations...Who do you trust. Who are you listening to> What lives have these people lived to give substance onto you? And even if you tell yourself you are just trying to make it through the day. and I was./ And I was trying to make this seem okay and full of gaiety and gifts, but is it really? I feel tortured. Between a rock and a hard place. between a closed shut door and a door wide open, breeze pulling but i need not venture near. And it is just vultures circling for a kill. the next kill. Out of sight out of mind.
Then another one playing for my hand or bottom, also married tells me we shall spend time over drinks but he just throws out empty lines, no walking comes after..it is just the emptiness i cannot fathom and contend. Makes me hold them all in contempt
Where is peace to be found
But i felt it is related to Zen: having no expectations. no projections, seeing nothing, being blind . conceiving neither plans nor wishes..just flowing like water, no attachments to nada.
And it was all of this that became too heavy to sit with, so I closed up everything and thought lying down to sleep would relieve me but instead the thoughts rushed me and told me i had to write it down. This was part of the living and writing 2013. This was how today was filled
Piero, Chase, JohnCharles,
Tony Martin died today in a Trini hospital. I have no word what he died from.
In a space of seven days I have known two deaths of people in my periphery
Before melancholy set about me, I had a quiet pleasant relaxing reflective day in bed, writing musing...
I got a call from the Eve Anderson Agency for my application to be the Senior Program Manager at the Australian Embassy, Australian AID. I have an interview on Monday/ I know my time is coming. And it was not my time before because my background and career is so rare and specialized here...The call from ACP Migration.. The interview at Australia AID, and my Headhunter Dominique Galt who thinks I would make a great Brand and Strategy Manager for Abovegroup Ogilvy and my application to be Synergy Resources Ltd,s CEO> an outfit that is a one man show, owned and operated. I wondered how am I to make the call of which job to take amongst the four, and given what timeline to wait and what happens if which happens first. Invisible Nonexisting Dilemmas.
Then I had a conversation with a man who was considering being my Sugar Daddy but the way he wrote and spoke I can tell this man is into domination and power dynamics. I stopped answering him.
But by far the greatest gift of the day was for my doctor Lori Linell to finally after years and a few weeks of reviving the conversation to come back to me with a proposed way in which she can come to Trinidad to give medical services..To stem the bleeding and deaths of mothers and infants. and perhaps provide me with the means to get medical training, to enter there in. And from this prospect, I realize the very person with the skills I keep calling, praying and searching for might be for me to get off my duff and perform..It is I
But all in all I see that my purpose is to just be still. To have no aspirations. To try and do and build nothing. I also believe now it is not for me to even pursue any other human being, either male or female as friend, lover, professional partner, cocreator. It is just heartbreak and disappointment. Never a retraction from that story line.
And i do hold myself responsible. Wondering why i put so much on the line and ready and willing to present so much of myself..to whom. I keep asking to whom. No one around me is doing more or better than me. Everyone is struggling and no ones digs are better than my mother's so who am i striving with and for what and is it toward the same things and who is wasting whose time and what delusion am i embroiled...sigh.. too much. I cant make heads tails or sideways of this thing. I just know I am feeling futility. This is what it all looks like.
And i dont even feel like setting up and playing myself anymore.
I am going back. Retreating into the shell. I will look out from there.
Showing yourself to liars and schemers gets you no where...z
Drive the movie seems here to give me some mental distractions...
Dread Ramblings
------------------
===============
Day 347
How Crazy am I - I use names
My disgust at being out of control and overwhelmed with emotions of sadness, disappointment and lack of resilience led me to shut my door, close my windows and put on the fan to dull the noise from within my house: one over loud tv and a neighbor who has been playing the same song on endless rotation since before Christmas...and I think as i write there might be a conspiracy to send me mad cause these things dont make sense. Not someone playing a song . One song. endlessly on rotation day and night for a month straight? but so it is. This is real. It is truth. My lived reality
I realized i was practically holding my breath. As if to really breathe in this madness would be the death of me, really. or breathing shallow so as not to take any more than i absolutely need to to keep my body moving/ It is the total lack of control of my life that sinks me most often, most recently, but a lot of other things besides.
The weight of it all..Of wanting to eat an artisan's yoghurt and he promised to bring it twice and still failed to do so without any explanation and his response is we will keep in touch. Really? As if it is a favor or a gift and I dont have to pay for it. I wrote him saying, I feel like i am begging. but I think, do I need to eat his yoghurt? Do i need to spend money? Have i not stopped eating yoghurt since I could not get Stonyfield's Organic?> And so it is? I shall continue without. For a long time now i have this issue of not what i want but who i want to give my money to. And I realize, I am not going to beg anyone to take my money; nor am i going to make all and sundry rich, wily nilly without considerations and weighings Especially since I live in a country full of thieves and swindlers.
Then someone on fb announced their status of a relationship and i registered how it is supposed to be done---this relationship thing: who you find, how you find them, how you go about doing it...it takes time. and it is someone you are around and spend time with and you all are involved in the same work, livelihood, entertainment or initiatives and it blossoms, evolves, emerges...And it happens when you are young. And I think, oh that is how it is done and pities that i did not learn it sooner, earlier.
Then I take time out and take distance from the past seven days that passed, from this evening at 6pm. And i think how much of living has passed, and the dynamics and emotions that have arisen within/ The mix of attractions, fishing, and idle conversations . The liberties I have extended for someone to ask me if my pubic is shorn of hair and I think, where have i landed myself with who. And how easy it is to slide down a slope there is no calibration from one measure to another. And wishing i could retreat from that corral.
Liming with people you just met and they are sans any such civility, decency or broughtupcy to go into your food, eat it as if it is theirs, without ever asking. and I think in reflection> Really? GhettoFabulous is where i landed? I have nothing in common with the set I am thrown with and I wonder what of this irony and cruelty/
And i think how dismal things may be so that anything that appears becomes as a star. a start, a light to deliver but it is really all illusion and bullshit. The same wooden nickels splitting hairs -no gain, no returns, no purpose...I feel empty inside/ Between an elusive shady and a reactionary bipolar...One who will love you but will cut you the minute they are ready to. And i think of one incident. In this short long of seven days, this person could find it in them to sit me and look me in my face and tell me what i do that dont work and how i think that does not translate but he is telling me that 'because he likes me' and i get scared as I write that cause that kind of behavior is nothing short of signs of a sociopsychopath...for who would want to break you down to nothing long before knowing you. who would think they have the right to say and venture there? but one seeking to subjugate you
All these things flood onto me as I lay down to try to alleviate my mental anguish, emotional pain and physical loneliness of these culminating dynamics.
It is weird.
I am supposed to want to build things with people who other people leave and abandon; whose wives have shut them down and out and the way she ignored me as I said good bye told me a long story...
And people who show up saying they are here to help you but really come to tell you how your idea aint go work and all it is because your landscape and horizon is aeons and ancients beyond their limitations...Who do you trust. Who are you listening to> What lives have these people lived to give substance onto you? And even if you tell yourself you are just trying to make it through the day. and I was./ And I was trying to make this seem okay and full of gaiety and gifts, but is it really? I feel tortured. Between a rock and a hard place. between a closed shut door and a door wide open, breeze pulling but i need not venture near. And it is just vultures circling for a kill. the next kill. Out of sight out of mind.
Then another one playing for my hand or bottom, also married tells me we shall spend time over drinks but he just throws out empty lines, no walking comes after..it is just the emptiness i cannot fathom and contend. Makes me hold them all in contempt
Where is peace to be found
But i felt it is related to Zen: having no expectations. no projections, seeing nothing, being blind . conceiving neither plans nor wishes..just flowing like water, no attachments to nada.
And it was all of this that became too heavy to sit with, so I closed up everything and thought lying down to sleep would relieve me but instead the thoughts rushed me and told me i had to write it down. This was part of the living and writing 2013. This was how today was filled
Piero, Chase, JohnCharles,
Tony Martin died today in a Trini hospital. I have no word what he died from.
In a space of seven days I have known two deaths of people in my periphery
Before melancholy set about me, I had a quiet pleasant relaxing reflective day in bed, writing musing...
I got a call from the Eve Anderson Agency for my application to be the Senior Program Manager at the Australian Embassy, Australian AID. I have an interview on Monday/ I know my time is coming. And it was not my time before because my background and career is so rare and specialized here...The call from ACP Migration.. The interview at Australia AID, and my Headhunter Dominique Galt who thinks I would make a great Brand and Strategy Manager for Abovegroup Ogilvy and my application to be Synergy Resources Ltd,s CEO> an outfit that is a one man show, owned and operated. I wondered how am I to make the call of which job to take amongst the four, and given what timeline to wait and what happens if which happens first. Invisible Nonexisting Dilemmas.
Then I had a conversation with a man who was considering being my Sugar Daddy but the way he wrote and spoke I can tell this man is into domination and power dynamics. I stopped answering him.
But by far the greatest gift of the day was for my doctor Lori Linell to finally after years and a few weeks of reviving the conversation to come back to me with a proposed way in which she can come to Trinidad to give medical services..To stem the bleeding and deaths of mothers and infants. and perhaps provide me with the means to get medical training, to enter there in. And from this prospect, I realize the very person with the skills I keep calling, praying and searching for might be for me to get off my duff and perform..It is I
But all in all I see that my purpose is to just be still. To have no aspirations. To try and do and build nothing. I also believe now it is not for me to even pursue any other human being, either male or female as friend, lover, professional partner, cocreator. It is just heartbreak and disappointment. Never a retraction from that story line.
And i do hold myself responsible. Wondering why i put so much on the line and ready and willing to present so much of myself..to whom. I keep asking to whom. No one around me is doing more or better than me. Everyone is struggling and no ones digs are better than my mother's so who am i striving with and for what and is it toward the same things and who is wasting whose time and what delusion am i embroiled...sigh.. too much. I cant make heads tails or sideways of this thing. I just know I am feeling futility. This is what it all looks like.
And i dont even feel like setting up and playing myself anymore.
I am going back. Retreating into the shell. I will look out from there.
Showing yourself to liars and schemers gets you no where...z
Drive the movie seems here to give me some mental distractions...
Dread Ramblings
------------------
JEFF BROWN
===============
About Aquarius::::
#Aquarius enjoy a wide range of surprising and wild experiences hoping to understand greater possibilities.
-----------------------
Lis Bleu
-----------------------
No comments:
Post a Comment