Asleep or Awake?

  Awakenings

i am so popular these days, i dont get why
for unlike me, no one ever writes an introductory note explaining where they saw me, how they found me or why they want us connected on this thing.

in any case

are you awake? or are you still asleep?
do you know?
do you even know?
cause i realize that requires such a fissure and distance as well an unhooking of self  to look at self to determine, to see.. making it worse, it is like asking if you stop breathing to check to see if you are breathing and then to determine the kind of breathing you do: deep or shallow; if it changes and when, under what conditions. who does that? who is free unburdened, undistracted enough to even entertain such a process

but i ask that because i woke up from these last three hours sleeping

"to give more than we are asked"
now is that a sign of this story i was trying to write for the last half an hour but i stopped to see a story on stage, group and solo performance, something i have long wanted to get into. i think i have a mean solo performance stint waiting to give to the world, and for the first time I saw a stage play that works for me "it is just a stage play" a meta play - a play about a play about the review of the play. in any case, Sunday Morning CBS went onto to tell the story of the woman with cancer who asked her nurse to take her sun when she dies of terminal cancer and instead the nurse with her family took them both in long before as she is still living and something about that evokes my story...see the reason i asked if you are asleep or awake is that i wake up thinking about an experience i had in  michigan in 2003...at a restaurant that had an outdoor patio, i forget the name...i sat there and the state representative the raven haired young woman came in with her young family and the sole and first child at the time literally climbed up on her chair to stand and reached out for me to take her and sat on my lap for the rest of our time there together. that story was always phenomenal for me. her parents were flabbergasted as they were white and why on earth would their child cling to me a stranger and black at that in midwestern predominantly white conservative east lansing.. but i have thought of it a few times before but it was only this morning, this now, did i wake up realizing that moment was a significant crossroad in my life. but because i was asleep, dreadfully, deeply entrenched sleep, i could not see the calling and door that experience was. I did not recognize that child was calling me, anointing me and it was for me to verbalize the opportunity. you see that was when my life was falling apart. and because it had gone on for so long my family was calling me bringing me back home. but what i could and should ?? have done that day was to ask the rep, and I hate that I forget her name...if I could be the nanny to that daughter. My life would have been vastly different. No doubt, she being a state legislator, I would have ended up with significant work, it would not have been this wilderness and unfolding. and i dont know what is and would have been the right or better thing. just this morning i wake up realizing i  slept walked, and missed a huge door.. i try not to beat myself up. try to be sanguine. try to know sense and not take regret. i try to believe everything is as it should be. but when we unfold in knowledge and get deeper into quantum physics, theory and consciousness and the idea that at every moment there are an untold number of unfoldings and options of paths and only our mind, set, choices, and thinking determine which one is taken and all others not...you wonder. and you get to see the centrality of whether you are asleep, a zombie, hypnotized, distracted or awake.

i am also enthralled about stories like that... i wonder what that mother thought of that experience. I wonder if for her that was some major or incidental thing---the view of the other players in scenes and scenarios

i am almost sure I was asleep back then. and had i been awake, i think i would have kept so many things i have been sad to lose: my home, my library, my global jewelry and artifacts...all the things I sold in my estate sale.

anyway. I think it is fascinating too for another reason. at this time in life, when I recount my experiences i am coming upon a thought, question and theory-- how many major crossroads does each life hold? and if one can look back and see endless significant life turning vortexes of paths not taken, I think that is too peculiar. it is an indication of some things: of a life out of alignment? a life way too active? a life of an asleep being, a life of missed opportunities, lives not taken and unlived??? the burden can be heavy

i know i think my pride would not have allowed me to think i would be someone's nanny, let alone ask to be. but that is the thing too eh. the whole behind the curtain aspect of this whole muse is who you are, how you have been, how your characteristics were and are your blockages, and  your unfolding into a fuller being.
how do parents help their children to avoid such. smh. the bar is so high when it is buried. of course it would require that they too be awake.

my lord/ my ladylord
{how do  you know who you were supposed to be, at different times in your life, and when; and how all of that has affected where you now stand}